Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[Syka]

Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.


Private Advice Givers:
Eh, I'm pretty sure any regular has an open PM box for you.


RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

Cheers,
Syka

[Quincunx]

(psst, misspelling in the thread title, fix it now before the option passes away!)

Some seduction pointers I've been wanting to get off of my chest for a few years now:

1) There are other options for seduction songs than Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters". It's a great song. I like it. Nevertheless, a song associated with the memories of every other guy that's tried it on your woman is not setting the mood you desire.

2) No pawing in the sauna, please.
2.1) I'm suffocating, but that doesn't mean my judgment's been impaired by oxygen deprivation--yet;
2.2) I'm thinking about the 6029475486 other people who have had the same idea in the same sauna;
2.3) Other objects taken into the sauna are too hot to continuously handle (extrapolate from there).

[Syka]

I dunno how to edit the title. Help? Mod?

Cheers,
Syka

[averagejoe]

1) There are other options for seduction songs than Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters". It's a great song. I like it. Nevertheless, a song associated with the memories of every other guy that's tried it on your woman is not setting the mood you desire.

Take my advice, fellas, the one that never fails is "The Happy Happy Joy Joy Song." No one thinks it would work, which is why most people don't find out about this, but it works like a charm.

Okay, yes, I am a horrible person.

[Syka]

Here, here about Nothing Else Matters. That was my ex and my's song. Yah, there are definitely fond memories attached to it (we'd listen to it on New Years, whether we were physically with each other or not), but I wouldn't want to take that to another relationship.

Thankfully, I thus far do not have to worry. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[FdL]

Regarding your situation, Syka, I only know the few things I learned for myself. And how they work for me. And one is that I can't keep being friends.

I find it to be the healthiest option, to stop seeing that person, to cut any form of relationship. If we're a couple and we break up, then we have no bussiness together. For the sake of ourselves, to keep it clean and avoid hurting and confusing each other even more.
And if we weren't friends when it began, we're not going to be friends now. I can't be friends with someone I love (but that's another lesson learned much before this breakup; learning that cost me a friendship but it saved me a lot of pain).

It took years and buckets of tears to learn it, but I found what is right for me. It may be different for everyone. I can only speak my truth.

[Sir_Norbert]

Staying friends is certainly difficult. :( Though so far I've only had one ex-girlfriend, and we did stay good friends for a while, until she moved house.

But against that, there was a girl I was crazily in love with around the beginning of this year, and she made it clear she didn't want me, which was hard to take, but I still wanted us to be friends. Only every time I said something that was meant to be friendly, she was like, "Stop hitting on me!" and I was like "wtf?"

It ended with us deciding to break off contact for a while, see if that made it easier for us to forget the past and start afresh. Only she never replied to the birthday card I sent her -- this was a couple of months later -- so I guess that was just her trying to be polite and not say outright that she had no interest in being friends.

It still hurts.

[Ego Slayer]

I dunno how to edit the title. Help? Mod?

Cheers,
Syka

Just hit "edit" on the OP, or double-click the blank area round the title of the thread when you're viewing the list of threads in FB.

[ForzaFiori]

i usually go back to whatever relationship me and my ex had b4 we started dating. of my 2 most recent ex's, one was a person i hardly new before dating, and its like that now. we rarely speak, arn't good friends, etc. The other was and still is one of my best friends.

[Pyrian]

I really can't imagine falling in love with someone whom I wouldn't want to be friends with if it didn't work out. The latter is like a prerequisite for me; if I didn't like them enough to want to be friends with them, why would I love them? But it is very tough, especially at first. I'm pretty ruthless with myself in that situation: NO indication to her that I am hurt by her actions or feelings, and NO indication to her that I'm anything but happy for her in whatever relationship she's in. I can't really trust myself to be impartial on those subjects, and my (admittedly bitter) feelings simply aren't fair to her when the basic problem is I want her more than she wants me.

In contrast, I've seen people try to be "friends" with someone who spurned them, only to punish them verbally (and, I think, in some cases entirely unintentionally) for the pain the spurned party is feeling. I mean, it's basic animal nature to lash out when you're in pain, but that's the very opposite of being caring. And even the act of admitting that you're in pain because of them spurning you is ultimately a hurtful act if that person is at all empathic and/or cares about you.

So many people rationalize so much, and have so little self-awareness.

[FdL]

It still hurts.

It sure does. But it can save you from more pain.

i usually go back to whatever relationship me and my ex had b4 we started dating. of my 2 most recent ex's, one was a person i hardly new before dating, and its like that now. we rarely speak, arn't good friends, etc. The other was and still is one of my best friends.

Well, yeah, when I met my ex I fell in love with her and always thought of her in a romantic way. So there's nothing before to go back to.

Even then, if you have a true intimate relationship with someone, even if you were friends before, I think you cannot go back to it and forget as if nothing had happened. At least I can't. It would mean that what happened between you doesn't matter. And it would require a complete brain/heart formatting on my part.

I really can't imagine falling in love with someone whom I wouldn't want to be friends with if it didn't work out. The latter is like a prerequisite for me; if I didn't like them enough to want to be friends with them, why would I love them?

I think of a love relationship as something more than a friendship with that person. It does include it at some level, but it's beyond that IMHO. That's why it's a difficult line to cross.

Besides, can you not be friends with your gf/bf?


All said, I don't know if *I* believe in friendship between men and women. There. Said it.

I may sound awful, but to some extent, and to be honest with myself, I can tell that there's some level of attraction with the women I relate to. Attraction at different levels, after all you are friends with people you like, aren't you?
It can turn into a friendship once the attraction thing goes to the background for many possible reasons...But you know, it's a defect of mine that I can't help to see women as women.

That sounded a lot worse than it is, I'm afraid, I don't want to sound as a jerk, because I know I'm not.

[Jibar]

All said, I don't know if *I* believe in friendship between men and women. There. Said it.

There will be attraction, however dim. I'm attracted to all my girls, but I also know that given the option, I wouldn't date them.
I'm desperate and lonely yes, but they're friends first.
You can't help attraction, it's a natural thing and will happen no matter what you try, but it doesn't mean you can't be friends.
It doesn't hurt to see women as women at all. Hell, I think I'm only so close to my girls because they're women. But don't think that just because they're women you're meant to jump all over them at every option. Women are people too. And certainly better people than men are.

[mudbunny]

And certainly better people than men are.

Hah!!

That is so wrong that isn't even funny.

Women can be just as cruel, mean-spirited and ugly as men are. In fact, during adolescence, they can be even worse.

My wife is coach of her high-school's cheerleading team, trust me, I know and hear all of the infighting, backstabbing, badmouthing and general bitchiness that goes on amongst the members of the team.

[Sir_Norbert]

All said, I don't know if *I* believe in friendship between men and women. There. Said it.

I may sound awful, but to some extent, and to be honest with myself, I can tell that there's some level of attraction with the women I relate to. Attraction at different levels, after all you are friends with people you like, aren't you?
It can turn into a friendship once the attraction thing goes to the background for many possible reasons...But you know, it's a defect of mine that I can't help to see women as women.

That sounded a lot worse than it is, I'm afraid, I don't want to sound as a jerk, because I know I'm not.

Nah, you don't come across as a jerk, just someone who's different from me in this respect. I make friends with women much more easily than with men, and it doesn't have to be women I find attractive (although that's one of many things that helps slightly). Some people aren't like this and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Jibar]

Sorry, I have a completely justified hatred of all men.
It's one of the many reasons why I seem to have only 1 male friend in real life, and why my gender is female.
Of course, I really am female, so

[InaVegt]

And certainly better people than men are.

While I love to hear things like that from males, I'm afraid it's just plain wrong.

Look at me, as an example, I have created 124 plans to conquer the world as of now, and if I had the capability wouldn't hesitate to put them to action. If I conquer the world I would be of a very simple legal system, you do what I say or you be killed.

And you dare say men are worse, not buying it.

[Syka]

Trust me, I wanted to stay friends. I wish we could. But the way he acted last night (which was a day after apologizing for acting the SAME way 2 nights before) was just completely rude to me. We had gotten to know each other as friends before we dated some, so it's really hurting me a lot to know that I've lost that.

I dunno, I'm really not sure if he's "moved on" like he said last night, but I think the sting of me finding out hasn't gone away. But I think I was a lot more hurt by the accusations he leveled at me last night then what caused the disagreements in the first place. His reactions also make me feel like I only have the tip of the iceberg and that there is other stuff I don't know...and don't want to know.

My mom evidently was surprised that I had wanted to stay friends. Part of me wants to try again at being friends, but I know he's going to do exactly what my ex did: just keep trying to pry the answers out of me to questions I don't want to give.

And this makes me terribly sad. Maybe, if given time, he can prove that he will act mature, I can let him back in, but not at the moment.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: There is a reason pretty much all my friends in high school were girls. *shakes head* We women can fight just as dirty as the boys, worse sometimes. My self restraint happens to be good. What I want to say to the guy I was dating and what I actually said to the guy I'm dating were different.

[PhoeKun]

Women are people too. And certainly better people than men are.

No! Wrong! Bad Jibar! No... what sort of treats do people give cat muffins, anyway?

But seriously... don't make blanket statements like that. Sexism isn't ok. Gender and sex aren't... they aren't the things that make us good or bad people. It's all the rest of it that's important.

edit: I am saddened by the fact that the only other responses to this comment were "girls can be terrible people, too! Look at [fill in blank]!" That's... come on, people, are your views on humanity really that low?

[Jibar]

No! Wrong! Bad Jibar! No... what sort of treats do people give cat muffins, anyway?

But seriously... don't make blanket statements like that. Sexism isn't ok. Gender and sex aren't... they aren't the things that make us good or bad people. It's all the rest of it that's important.

We eat eucalyptus.
Well, I eat eucalyptus because the koalas just leave it lying around the castle.

And as I said, perfectly justified.
While I'm willing to admit that you guys here aren't like the men in my life, unfortunately every guy I have had the pleasure of meeting has... not done good.
Best left there, considering the nature of the boards.

[InaVegt]

are your views on humanity really that low?

Actually, yes. I even have a theory why humanity is so much worse than it used to be, but that's a religious theory.

[mudbunny]

And this makes me terribly sad. Maybe, if given time, he can prove that he will act mature, I can let him back in, but not at the moment.

Sometimes Syka, despite all of our wishes, the other person is just a jerk.

If you were me, I would be cutting off all contact with this guy. The only way that he can make you feel bad is if you let him. By you taking control, and cutting off contact, you will no longer be allowing him the opportunity to hurt you.

[Syka]

Yah, lets just agree to disagree. If I went by the guys I've dated and some family members, rather than the guys I'm friends with, I'd probably feel the same way admittedly.

Make sure everything is within forum rules, remember. No thread locking, is a good thread.

Mudbunny, at least until Friday I've got him as seeing me as offline on AIM and Yahoo, so unless he contacts me through Myspace or tries calling me I should be good. I'm still holding out for a few days before deleting his profile from Myspace, although it may come to that. It depends on how I handle it. With my ex, it was too tempting having access to his facebook. I might be able to handle this.

Admittedly, it's really weird not having him on my top friends, but at this point in time I don't want to see him unless I choose to look. I've only had Myspace since Nov and he's been sitting at number 2 the entire time (I've been 3 on his so, once he gets a top friends again, I'm curious to see if I've been completely dropped off there). *sigh*

Oh well, time to reevaluate, figure out the warning signs that come with this breed of Jerk, and avoid the subspecies in the future.

Cheers,
Syka

[PhoeKun]

And as I said, perfectly justified.
While I'm willing to admit that you guys here aren't like the men in my life, unfortunately every guy I have had the pleasure of meeting has... not done good.
Best left there, considering the nature of the boards.

Well... that really sounds like something you should talk about, but I won't pursue it any farther if you'd rather I didn't. I will say, though, that if what you're saying isn't simply teenage exaggeration (and even if it is), I'm sorry you've had such unpleasant experiences. People can be jerks. Guys and girls alike. But I've known plenty of each that I can consider friends, and it's a guy I've given my heart to.

You are not justified in claiming men are universally inferior to women.

edit: And while I'm in this thread (warning: complete change of topic), I wanted to take a couple of seconds to extend just one more sympathetic hand out to Syka. This guy is clearly a jerk. But I hope that, in the coming days, things happen such as they need to so that you can walk away content.

[Jibar]

Well... that really sounds like something you should talk about, but I won't pursue it any farther if you'd rather I didn't. I will say, though, that if what you're saying isn't simply teenage exaggeration (and even if it is), I'm sorry you've had such unpleasant experiences. People can be jerks. Guys and girls alike. But I've known plenty of each that I can consider friends, and it's a guy I've given my heart to.

You are not justified in claiming men are universally inferior to women.

I'm willing to talk about it, and probably should just to get it off my chest, but forum rules. PG-13.

I'm sorry as well, I may have forgotten the
It was meant only in jest and as personal preference.
I apologise immensly for any harm done.

[PhoeKun]

I'm willing to talk about it, and probably should just to get it off my chest, but forum rules. PG-13.

I'm sorry as well, I may have forgotten the
It was meant only in jest and as personal preference.
I apologise immensly for any harm done.

I've got a PM box with a fair amount of space in it, if you'd like to talk.

But, boy, is this ever a good example of the importance of emoticons on the internets...

[Hell Puppi]

Heh I have to believe in friendship between men and women. I currently have only 1 female friend, all the rest are guys....and it's been that way pretty much my whole life.

[zeratul]

edit: I am saddened by the fact that the only other responses to this comment were "girls can be terrible people, too! Look at [fill in blank]!" That's... come on, people, are your views on humanity really that low?

Basically. The worlds going down hill, and it wasn't that great before.

[Quincunx]

Until high school, I was unwilling to extend males common courtesy, let alone friendship. By the time high school ended, I had more male almost-friends than female. Nowadays, males have the majority and will keep it for the foreseeable future, since females keep dropping off the list as they lose their minds.

[averagejoe]

Basically. The worlds going down hill, and it wasn't that great before.

People have been saying THAT since there were people. People are people, same as always. The world is the world, and little changes.

[zeratul]

People have been saying THAT since there were people. People are people, same as always. The world is the world, and little changes.

Ok, I'll change it then.

The world is, always has been, and always will be inredibally flawed, and lame.