Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated

[Grytorm]

Yeah, thank you all for your help. I have a lot to think about I guess. Thank you for the help.

[lio45]

... and Habitat for Humanity is fulfilling to volunteer for (admittedly I initially did for Apprentice credit during the last recession).

Good advice! Grytorm, why don't you just go and volunteer somewhere? Your presence and contributions are guaranteed to be appreciated. (Just try and pick a better cause than that, ideally...... :p)

It's a great way to meet people.

[Glass Mouse]

Seconding the volunteering. There is no easier way to have lots of positive interactions with other human beings.

I'll also reiterate what I've said before, Grytorm: Friends first, romance later. I was happy to see that your list of people includes at least a few people you haven't tried to date, but it is unclear how many of them are people you want to date. Try focusing on male friendships for a while. It's less complicated, and I think that's something you need right now. Maybe K? He sounds cool.

And please please please find a good therapist. What you're experiencing is not normal, and it is heartbreaking, and I wish so much more for you. People here are telling you that your friendships are "nothing" because it is so unusual to have a bus acquantance as your best friend, not because we wish to take anything away from you. Acquaintances are important and they make everyday life better, and they occasionally grow into actual, close friends. So please don't discount the people you know. You need to forge new connections but you also need to learn to deepen the ones you have and will form in the future.

Which is where I really really don't think we are qualified to help you. Human connections are so fundamental and so important, and when you're struggling on the level you are, you need more than a handful of strangers as your emotional cavalry. You need to understand what's going on in your head in these interactions, what you're expecting from others, how you're sabotaging yourself (it's scary how adept people are at lying to themselves and holding themselves back when they fundamentally believe themselves unworthy of love). All these things you need to go through, and it'll be painful and hard work, and you need someone in your corner who can help.

Currently you are using friendly acquaintances for this emotional work, which is indeed one of the many things we have friends for, but you need someone who is smart enough to not just soothe your pain but to direct you to more helpful coping mechanisms and to face the painful truths. I don't know where you can find that. Some friends are fantastically emotionally intelligent and can help there. Some therapists are good enough. Or, hell, commit to spending a month answering something like this every day.

But you need to do the introspective work somehow.

L: We were pretty good friends early on in High School we visited each other quite a few times. Probably an aspie, but I've never directly asked. I feel slightly uncomfortable around him because he is a really friendly guy, but he is kind of a shadow archetype of me. He is in many ways everything I fear that I am. Also later on high school he became really boring and would call looking for me to just talk about his half baked ideas and go on for twenty minutes. Unlike most people he actively tries to spend time with me. I really could do better with him.

This is interesting because this is the first person you've mentioned who actively seeks you out. Have you tried redirecting him when he starts getting boring? "Hey, you've been talking for a long time now, so how about that [subject change]?". It's hard, I know, but it works wonders on the emotionally dense people I know.

Don't let perfect become the enemy of good, okay? Everyone has their annoying habits and ticks. Maybe this guy is truly too boring for you to derive pleasure from his company, but "I can do better" is not really a good mindset - or, hell, maybe it is, but it was majorly frustrating when I tried to make friends in high school and kept running into nerdy, awkward guys who utterly ignored me to go chase the pretty girls. Maybe they don't regret it today, but they seemed really lonely at the time.

Just... don't sit and stare enviously at the popular kids while ignoring the perfectly nice guy eating alone, okay?


As a last point that others haven't already hammered home: This guy is who you do not want to be. Can you identify people you would like to be? If so, observe them. Observe what they do, how they act, how they interact with other people. Do they ask a lot of questions? What kind? Do they laugh at other people's jokes? How do they talk about their interests? How do their conversations flow and change? What is their body language like?

Maybe take an acting class to try out those observations in practice.

We learn by imitation. If you can identify and mimic the people you admire, I think there's much to gain.

The hard part about this is... just... I dunno. Almost everyone agrees with me. But I don't want to come forward with that argument since that's immature and not what I want to say. Feels hard to give him feedback about his behaviour and making it feel like I'm the only one with an issue.

It's probably too late now, but it is generally not a good idea to invoke the majority argument when it comes to sensitive conversations. Sure, it can be necessary, but it's really a Plan G type of thing, not Plan A. Speak about your own experience, and if he is reasonable and kind, he will be mortified and reexamine his behaviour and see patterns in the ways other people are treating him. If he's not, you need heavier artillery, but give him a chance to course correct before making him feel like he's been ostrasizing everyone and everyone hates him.

[Heliomance]

I've just overhauled my OKCupid profile, it having been several years out of date and rather dull to boot. Would anyone be willing to critique it?

[lio45]

I've just overhauled my OKCupid profile, it having been several years out of date and rather dull to boot. Would anyone be willing to critique it?

To my own surprise, I was actually willing enough to even create a bogus throwaway profile in order to get to see and critique yours, but not enough to overcome the "you actually have to post at least one pic of a human face (ideally, you) and you also have to write an essay about yourself" barrier.

Can't you copy/paste the text, simply?

[Aedilred]

I do have an account (turns out I hadn't logged in for four years, whoops), but when I clicked on Heliomance's link I was told "Either this account is private or it doesn't exist".

[dehro]

Same here. It is set to private

[Heliomance]

That's... Bizarre. It shouldn't be, and I can't find anything in the settings that would account for that. Here's a dump of the text.

Spoiler

Show

My self-summary
Who am I? Who can truly know the measure of a woman?

Well, I suppose I have to try - there'd be little point in having this page if I didn't try to sell myself, would there now?

I am an experienced geek, well-versed in the art of pretending to be a mighty hero in a fantasy realm. I have saved many worlds, and rescued uncounted innocents from perils untold.

I am a theoretical traveller, dreaming about the distant lands I'll go and see someday, when I find someone to share them with.

I am a baby queer, less than a year on from my first Pride and excited for the bright colours and camaraderie of the next.

I am the granddaughter of the woman that invented Ready Brek.

Who am I? 2460- wait, no, that's something else.

What I’m doing with my life
Working nine to five. Learning to code better. Gaming with friends. Attending a lot of other people's weddings. Dodging questions about when it's my turn. Learning to play the tin whistle. Sewing a dress. Learning to live, rather than exist.

I’m really good at
Singing - though not in any sensible range
Advanced maths - a skill that, having graduated university, I will never use again
Pretending I know how to adult

The first things people usually notice about me
Once upon a time, it would have been my waistcoats, top hat, and fancy longcoat. That stopped a few years ago. I have just bought half a dozen new waistcoats though, so watch this space...

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: I sadly don't read nearly as much as I used to. I've been an ardent devourer of fantasy and sci-fi in my time - Terry Pratchett, Anne McCaffrey, Jim Butcher, Tamora Pierce... These days I mostly read fanfiction. I miss books, but the internet is just so convenient.

Films: I am fickle in my favour for films, fleetingly fancying first one, then another, depending on what I've seen recently. I do have a fondness for the current trend of superhero films, though.

TV: Doctor Who, Sens8, iZombie, Lucifer, American Gods, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong. American Gods is still great, though, despite being a lot darker than the others I've listed!

Music: By number of tracks on my phone, my top four artists are Nightwish, Meatloaf, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and Lindsey Stirling. I like a pretty eclectic mix, quite heavy on the classic rock and symphonic metal, but there's space for some good old-fashioned cheese in my heart!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Life, the Universe, and Everything. The idea of thought. Who I am. Which of my favourite fiction settings would make totally awesome crossovers.

On a typical Friday night I am
Gaming with friends in lands as exotic as they are distant (by which I mean Southampton). The ability of the Internet to bridge a little thing like spatial disparity is a wondrous thing.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My sexuality confuses me.

You should message me if
you understand what the connection is between what I think about and the number 42, you'd like to ask me questions about something on here, or if you find my particular brand of self-deprecating humour amusing! Mostly, though, if you like what you've seen here and think you'd like to get to know me.

In the interests of full disclosure, I'm trans. If you're okay with that, I'd really love to hear from you! If you're not, better you know now than us both being disappointed once we've struck up a connection.

EDIT: I've just realised I had the "no straight people allowed" flag set. I've unchecked it now, page might be working again.

[georgie_leech]

Well, for what it's worth I'd be certain to respond to a profile like that. If only to get some solace for the coffee I lost at the "pretending to adult" bit. Don't take my opinion as gospel though, I'm weird.

[AuthorGirl]

So I'm a bit conflicted about a romantic relationship that I recently got into. I really love the guy and we've been great friends for a while, but there are some unforeseen issues - nothing of an abusive nature. I don't want out. I just want to know how best to move forward with the matter.

The first "little" fact that complicates things between us is our different religions. I am Christian and he is pagan (a worshiper of the goddess Morrigan). Please don't give me any hate about either religion. We respect and care for eachother. I trust him absolutely and I know that he won't ask me to do anything that is against my values. Naturally this consideration is two-way. Still, we disagree on a lot of issues concerning faith and morality. (For example, "love thine enemies" on one hand and "war is a necessary balancing force and we must engage in it to prove ourselves" on the other.) I want to make this work but I don't want to lose my ties to my faith community. I wouldn't dream of trying to convert him; he was raised Christian and had many excellent reasons to break with his church (most of them related to the fact that his church was much more conservative, dare I say intolerant, than mine is). So things are a bit complicated, especially if we want to marry and live together one day.

The second issue is war. I sort of mentioned this earlier. He wants a career in the military and I can't stand to think of him killing people. Or getting hurt or killed.

The third issue, and the one that has me most concerned, is the fact that he has feelings for another girl. He helped her get together with one of his friends, but was beginning to have feelings for her at the time. Later it came to light that she'd have been very happy to be in a romantic relationship with him if she'd thought he was interested. But she's still with the friend and they're happy. My boyfriend (it feels rather strange to type those two words) says that he's always loyal to the girl he's with, so I haven't thought for a moment that he's cheating on me. Still, I'm a little concerned about whether our relationship can ever truly be the right thing to happen - he already has someone to love. Please, no disgusting comments about romantic relationships involving more than two people. That's not the kind of thing I need to hear right now.

And, finally, there are a few things solely inside my head that I could use some encouraging stuff said about. My previous relationship, which ended over two years ago, was a giant mistake. I took it hard. I have a difficult time being comfortable moving forward with this relationship at anything faster than a crawl. He doesn't pressure me in any way but I get frustrated with myself - I want to just trust him and move forward, and I do trust him, but there's something in me that keeps me back. That's just fuzzy stuff though, all in my head, and it is dissipating.

So anyway. Advice would be appreciated. Even just an "I hear you" would be appreciated.

[Honest Tiefling]

So I'm a bit conflicted about a romantic relationship that I recently got into. I really love the guy and we've been great friends for a while, but there are some unforeseen issues - nothing of an abusive nature. I don't want out. I just want to know how best to move forward with the matter.

You can't even type the word boyfriend. I think you are having issues trusting him. Not that he would physically cheat on you, but that he is emotionally invested in you and you alone. Does he talk a lot to this other girl? Does he give you the emotional support you need or does this other girl take it away from you? Is he aware of these feelings and has he tried to distance himself from this girl? He has feelings not just for another woman, but for his friend's girlfriend so that isn't respectful to anyone involved.

[Comrade]

My previous relationship, which ended over two years ago, was a giant mistake. I took it hard. I have a difficult time being comfortable moving forward with this relationship at anything faster than a crawl.

I definitely hear you there. That stuff can be hard to work through.

Anyway, with regards to differences of religion, you wouldn't be the first people with strong attachments to different religions who made a relationship work; it just depends on the areas of morality where you disagree and how important those areas are to you. Is there anything in particular about your religious differences (besides the question of war and the military career matter) that has left you conflicted?

Truth be told it sounds like what really has you conflicted here is the matter of the other woman he's had feelings for, which Honest Tiefling addressed pretty well. Does he still have such feelings for her, though?

[Chen]

The third issue, and the one that has me most concerned, is the fact that he has feelings for another girl. He helped her get together with one of his friends, but was beginning to have feelings for her at the time. Later it came to light that she'd have been very happy to be in a romantic relationship with him if she'd thought he was interested. But she's still with the friend and they're happy. My boyfriend (it feels rather strange to type those two words) says that he's always loyal to the girl he's with, so I haven't thought for a moment that he's cheating on me. Still, I'm a little concerned about whether our relationship can ever truly be the right thing to happen - he already has someone to love. Please, no disgusting comments about romantic relationships involving more than two people. That's not the kind of thing I need to hear right now.

Has he told you he has romantic feelings about this other woman? Details somewhat matter here. Something like just being attracted to another person is likely not a big deal. That's a completely different level than what you've said here about "he already has someone to love".

[AuthorGirl]

You can't even type the word boyfriend. I think you are having issues trusting him. Not that he would physically cheat on you, but that he is emotionally invested in you and you alone. Does he talk a lot to this other girl? Does he give you the emotional support you need or does this other girl take it away from you? Is he aware of these feelings and has he tried to distance himself from this girl? He has feelings not just for another woman, but for his friend's girlfriend so that isn't respectful to anyone involved.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and your quick response.

Typing the word was just a "really? This is not something I thought I'd ever do" thing.

He's good friends with the other girl despite everything - I get the impression they'd been friends since they were little. So he talks to her about as much as he'd talk to any of his other friends. Slightly less, I think, because they both try to keep their distance somewhat. They definitely don't spend as much time together as they used to (before various complicated feelings were talked about).

He gives me all the emotional support I need. As for the other girl taking things away from me - she's not exactly a friend, but certainly a treasured acquaintance and she simply wouldn't do that. She's said that she's quite happy for me and for my boyfriend.

Emotional commitment. Even if I didn't trust his word (which I do), there's plenty of evidence for it. Throughout this whole thing, all he's wanted is to make me happy. It would take quite some time to type out all my supporting arguments, so here are the highlights:

1. If he hadn't wanted to make a commitment, our relationship would be over by now. Regrettably, I'm a bit of a porcupine and there's stuff I need to work through in my head. So I've needed a lot of patience and understanding, which he's given me.

2. He's trusted me with knowing a lot of personal stuff that there would be no reason to mention if this wasn't meant to last.

3. We respect eachother and we care about eachother enough that we can talk about practically anything without hurt feelings. (For example, religion. Past history of the close-to-home variety.)

[AuthorGirl]

Has he told you he has romantic feelings about this other woman? Details somewhat matter here. Something like just being attracted to another person is likely not a big deal. That's a completely different level than what you've said here about "he already has someone to love".

That's a good point, thanks for bringing it up. It's also a bit complicated to assess. It is, of course, possible to love someone deeply without any romantic feelings whatsoever, and that's what they had before developing feelings for eachother. It's what they still have, just with some complications in the way.

[AuthorGirl]

I definitely hear you there. That stuff can be hard to work through.

Anyway, with regards to differences of religion, you wouldn't be the first people with strong attachments to different religions who made a relationship work; it just depends on the areas of morality where you disagree and how important those areas are to you. Is there anything in particular about your religious differences (besides the question of war and the military career matter) that has left you conflicted?

Truth be told it sounds like what really has you conflicted here is the matter of the other woman he's had feelings for, which Honest Tiefling addressed pretty well. Does he still have such feelings for her, though?

Thank you for your thoughts.

We respectfully disagree on a lot of things, war is just the most upsetting one. Most of the other ones just affect personal boundaries, which neither of us are going to push.

[dehro]

going out on a limb here, and relying completely on how I've interpreted your post...
I have a strong feeling that what's holding you back is not just your past experience, but your gut feeling that this relationship is maybe more complicated than you are rationalising, and that in the long run your differences may be too big of an obstacle.
This is of course entirely theoretical and I cannot sustain the previous statement with other than my own perception.
If you have no, or very little, reason to doubt his loyalty to you, his genuine commitment and personal investment towards you, then I would stop thinking of the "other girl". There is simply no way for you to rationally come to a correct conclusion as to his feelings for her, the strength of those feelings and whether they are mutual and/or either of them will act on them. All you can do is take his word on faith and accept that he won't cheat on you with her, and that he is genuinely happy with your relationship.
Does that mean that there is not a possibility that you may break up for whatever reason sometimes in the future (whether it be related to that girl or not) and that at that stage, should she be also single they might end up getting into a relationship?
There's simply no way to tell, and Hollywood does love telling us similar stories, so it makes complete sense that you might have the concern.
Again, if you believe his commitment to be genuine, forget all that. It's immaterial and over-analysing the possibility does you no good.
If you are not convinced by his arguments or his sentiments as he presents them to you, then that's another story altogether, but really, that's for you to decide.

The other thing, his desire for a career in the military and your strong sense of "I don't want him to kill people/don't want to be with someone who accepts/embraces the possibility of ending a life"...
honestly, I see that as much more of a potential dealbreaker.
His ethical view, as shaped by paganism or whatever else brought him to it, is that war is both justified and occasionally necessary... and that partaking in it is something he actually considers more than just a job opportunity or a display of patriotism.
your view, at least judging by your choice of words in expressing it, seems to be very strongly against this.
I think that before you can decide anything about this relationship on the other issue, this is something that will potentially cause the biggest fights and disagreements... because this is not a matter of "well.. I'll be glad to go to church with you/let you go to church, and you could come with me to do whatever it is you do when you pray to Morrigan.. or let me go alone"
This runs deeper and is much harder to find a compromise on.
so the question is.. can you, and do you want to, find a compromise on such a big issue?
if not, what are the outcomes?
if he renounces to pursue a military career for you, will that sour your relationship? will he hold it against you?
if you ignore your sentiments on the matter, will you stand by him as he gets shipped of to somewhere with a loaded rifle in his hands?
what if he ends up getting into the thick of it? putting aside potential injuries and ptsd or trauma for him.. can YOU live with it?
I think those are decisions you need to dwell on and maybe talk through with him.
When you've resolved the issue of his military ambitions, you will know whether this is meant to last.
if you don't resolve it, sooner or later it will crop up again. maybe the issue will fizzle out.. but chances are it won't.

[kyoryu]

So, first off: You're not going to change him. Accept this. I mean, it's possible, but unlikely, and you should move forward with the acceptance that he is what he is.

How would you feel about it if he did join the military? Could you deal with that?

What if you have children? What values would he teach them? How would you deal with this? Yeah, it's too early to think about that, but still, it's worth considering, since it does sound like you're both adults.

As far as the other woman... I dunno, but him having feelings for her, and vice versa, is one thing. If he's hanging out with her, especially in a one-on-one situation, that's a pretty huge red flag.

[Ninja_Prawn]

I don't always agree with dehro, but this statement:

The other thing, his desire for a career in the military and your strong sense of "I don't want him to kill people/don't want to be with someone who accepts/embraces the possibility of ending a life"...
honestly, I see that as much more of a potential dealbreaker.

Echoes how I felt when I read your post. The ideological differences underpinning this conflict seem... really significant.

[Chen]

That's a good point, thanks for bringing it up. It's also a bit complicated to assess. It is, of course, possible to love someone deeply without any romantic feelings whatsoever, and that's what they had before developing feelings for eachother. It's what they still have, just with some complications in the way.

Well what do you mean by "he has feelings for another woman" then? And how do you know this?

[Knaight]

Dump him. You sound like either a pacifist or inclined that way but willing to make exceptions if necessary, and he sounds like someone who's bought into honor culture myths about warfare, sees it as heroic, and is pursuing a career in the military (and I wouldn't be surprised if he saw it as pursuing a career as a warrior). The rest of the religious differences are minor, the close friend of his irrelevant; a fundamental philosophical difference that's really important to both of you is a disaster waiting to happen. Bail.

[WarKitty]

On a more light-hearted note: What's appropriate to get parents/family members of your SO as gifts? And when would you consider such a gift appropriate?

[AMFV]

On a more light-hearted note: What's appropriate to get parents/family members of your SO as gifts? And when would you consider such a gift appropriate?

It depends on the occasion, what you'd get somebody for an Anniversary Gift is different than what you would for a birthday or Christmas or what-not. After that it depends on your relationship with them and how well you know them.

[Ninja_Prawn]

On a more light-hearted note: What's appropriate to get parents/family members of your SO as gifts? And when would you consider such a gift appropriate?

Ooh, I can answer this one! Well, I mean, I don't know about 'appropriate' (I will take any opportunity to give people gifts), but what to get...

I'm assuming you can't or won't ask your SO? In that case, I'd stick to 'safe' gifts unless you know them well. Flowers, chocolate, porcelain figures, charm bracelets, jumpers, stuffed toys... Those sorts of things.

For those you do know well, I'd treat them the same way you treat your own family. Personalised gifts, 'experience' gifts, handmade gifts are all fair game.

[WarKitty]

It depends on the occasion, what you'd get somebody for an Anniversary Gift is different than what you would for a birthday or Christmas or what-not. After that it depends on your relationship with them and how well you know them.

I was thinking of a general "Hi, I'm dating your son/daughter now and I'd like to get you a small gift in appreciation" type of deal.

[Ninja_Prawn]

I was thinking of a general "Hi, I'm dating your son/daughter now and I'd like to get you a small gift in appreciation" type of deal.

That's not a gift. That's a bribe.

Here's what you do: take them out for a meal.

This has the advantages of being less transparently a bribe, being something most people will enjoy, and it gives them a chance to get to know you better. Because after all, the real gift here... is you!

Spoiler: gif

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[AMFV]

That's not a gift. That's a bribe.

Here's what you do: take them out for a meal.

This has the advantages of being less transparently a bribe, being something most people will enjoy, and it gives them a chance to get to know you better. Because after all, the real gift here... is you!

Spoiler: gif

Show

Seconded!

Also, dinner has the advantage of people being able to choose something that they like, rather than you having to guess since you don't know them very well. Also you get conversation which can be nice.

[lio45]

Has he told you he has romantic feelings about this other woman? Details somewhat matter here. Something like just being attracted to another person is likely not a big deal. That's a completely different level than what you've said here about "he already has someone to love".

Personally, what I find the most worrying is his feelings for her combined with the fact that she would have reciprocated them. Sure, he's loyal, but do draw the bar that low? Loyal just means he will wait until your relationship is officially over before moving on.

I'm 100% loyal but it doesn't mean I'll stay with the wrong girl forever. If the girl I love is actually around and is interested in me, even though we might both be in other relationships for the time being, it seems pretty evident that we'll end up together.

He'd have to honestly say he's not interested at all in her anymore, if I were you. (And, of course, that would obviously have to be true.)

[Chen]

Personally, what I find the most worrying is his feelings for her combined with the fact that she would have reciprocated them. Sure, he's loyal, but do draw the bar that low? Loyal just means he will wait until your relationship is officially over before moving on.

I'm 100% loyal but it doesn't mean I'll stay with the wrong girl forever. If the girl I love is actually around and is interested in me, even though we might both be in other relationships for the time being, it seems pretty evident that we'll end up together.

He'd have to honestly say he's not interested at all in her anymore, if I were you. (And, of course, that would obviously have to be true.)

I can agree with this, if the boyfriend in question said something like "I have romantic feelings for this other girl. I would be with them but they're with someone else and I'm with you". But that would be an absurd thing for any normal person to say which led me to ask what exactly was said. There's a difference between wanting to be with someone romantically and just being very close with someone. Saying they have feelings for each other is just vague and unclear.

[WarKitty]

Seconded!

Also, dinner has the advantage of people being able to choose something that they like, rather than you having to guess since you don't know them very well. Also you get conversation which can be nice.

The main worry I have is dinner might be a bit too intimate. Particularly with my parents, who are rather hostile towards the whole idea.