Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Man on Fire]

"Dear Torm

I'm sorry for that whole "making a deal with a demon" thing". I assure you it won't change anything in our relations.

PS: Do you think you could let me add Divine Smite to Eldritch Blast?"

From a PC's diary.

[DigoDragon]

"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

I almost spat out my drink. XD



GM: (misreading) "Today's high is a balmy 231 kelvin."
Icebreaker: "Did... did you just say 231 kelvin?"
Nebula: "I'm crying."

Nebula: "I'm just gonna be eternally on fire, all day it seems. ...this is fine."

Icebreaker: "I thought you were Smirkfluff's daughter?"
Nebula: "Uh... kinda, but not really..."
Icebreaker: "I mean not biologically."
Smirkfluff: (relieved) "Oh thank gods!"

Nebula: "Can I roll Intimidate to make the dice nice to me?"

Nebula: "Make the password Swordfish. Unless that's already taken, then make it Swordfish1."
Smirkfluff: "That's evil incarnate. Calm down, Satan."

Icebreaker: "I have no problems doing a posthumous mission."
GM: "Those are the best. There's no way you can let your Johnson down... well, they can't complain about getting let down."
Nebula: "Challenge accepted."
Smirkfluff: "Their expectations are about as low as they're gonna get."
Icebreaker: "About six feet under."

Icebreaker: "Friends I have great news. Our house comes with a Hatsune Miku."

GM: "The address is off State Road 9. It appears to be a cow farm."
Smirkfluff: "Oh gods..."
Oze: Huh."
Nivix: "I gotta do it. So this farm is dealing with a lot of bull****?"
Smirkfluff: "And there it is."

Lethe: "At least it's not a roomba with a flamethrower. For getting at those really really tough spots."

Smirkfluff: "I'm Smirkfluff, and welcome to Jackass."
Nearby Donkey: "Hey!"

Icebreaker: "Half a tank? Wow, this is a generous U-Haul place. We got four tires? Fancy!"

Smirkfluff: "When did I become the party tent?"

Smirkfluff: "What would happen if you try to enter Disney with just... a door?"
Icebreaker: "They give you a door charge."
Everyone: *groans*

Icebreaker: "Let me try the password. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5."
GM: *rolls a luck check. Nat 20*
GM: "Icebreaker..."
Icebreaker: "Don't tell me..."

Icebreaker: "Might be easier to edit my eyeball."

Oze: "Oze wants to steal this lab. Not just parts, the whole thing."

Icebreaker: "Very important question we didn't think of until now. Are there vents?"
GM: "Like air vents?"
Nebula: "Ssss, nnnggg!"
GM: "There is an HVAC system, yes."
Nebula: "Ngguh, no!"
Smirkfluff: "How big is it?"
GM: "It's very small. You're not gonna get more than like, a cat through that."
Nebula: "Okay so no..."
Icebreaker: "It's not going to be an alien from Alien. It'll be a thing from The Thing."
Nebula: "It's not a xenomorph, so it's fine!"

Smirkfluff: "Not that I don't trust weird pony voodoo, but... I don't trust weird pony voodoo."

Icebreaker: "I know what you're thinking, those brand name blood prices are too high."

Smirkfluff: "I'm shooting the zombie because it needs to stop having opinions."

Icebreaker: "And the body hasn't moved, right?"
GM: "Right, none of the bodies have moved."
Smirkfluff "I like how this is a thing we have to ask now."
Icebreaker: "I was only talking about the one in the truck, but..."

[DeTess]

DM: you manage to find a masterwork teddy bear.

[Duff]

"The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months

[DeTess]

"The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months

I've never seen or done the minus variant, but I've both experienced and inflicted the plus variant of this one XD

[Personification]

"And what is your specialty?"
"Prime Rib."
"So... it's not even?"
"No, it means it's indivisible."
"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:

Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
...
Newscaster 2: I do!

[AdmiralCheez]

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:

Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
...
Newscaster 2: I do!

I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!

[Personification]

I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!

Honestly, there is a non-zero chance it was me posting in the Playground.

[Xervous]

“The boulder is strangely indifferent.”

[Rater202]

"The truth is, part of me has always wondered what it would be like to vivisect myself. I imagine it would hurt but what would the sensation of poking my own organs feel like besides that.

[Wizard_Lizard]

“This is a picture of Dyrrn the corruptor”
“Damn he looks hot”

[ZeroGear]

R: *violently shaking captured enemy* "TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!"
DM: You don't here him say anything
R: "Guess it's time for this special dance! Let me go get my fishing hook and magnifying glass."
X: "Or you could take the gag off first."
R: "You crazy? He could bite!"

E: "It's definitely the way! My sense of direction is never wrong!"
A: "Leave it to a tree to find a forest."

E: "... I hereby grant thee Alexander, the title of False Sage of the Stew Pot!"
A: "Better false sage than false parsley."

O: "Why would smoke be coming out of a dragon's cave?"

[Man on Fire]

"Hello, could you please spare a minute of your time to talk about our lord and savior FIREBALL!"

[LordCdrMilitant]

Emma's Player [OOC]: I play RPG's to get away from the bureaucracy! Why are you doing this to me?!

[NRSASD]

May you always be counted among His Holy Numbers

We need a grandparent worth of babies

We're going to kill him... unless he has my mother's teeth.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: couple responses

Show

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS

Oh wow, Word Girl. I remember watching that with my daughter when she was just a tot. Was an oddly funny show.

A: "Better false sage than false parsley."

Ayyyy. XD

Oze: "Technically not on fire yet!"

Icebreaker: "It's just 10 minutes of commercials, isn't it?"
Nebula: "Ten minutes of trollololololooo--"
Party: "Trollololoo looloo lolololololooo..."
GM: "Alrighty then."

Oze: "Just making sure the third generator is fully shut down."
GM: "Yes, it's shut down."
Smirkfluff: "Or is it? Dun da dunn..."
Icebreaker: "It depends on what's living it, I guess."
GM: "You'd have to open the access hatch to see what's inside it."
Icebreaker: "Yeah that wasn't a suggestion. That was me 'playing a lot of Carrion'."

Icebreaker: "I'd like to know why, so that someone doesn't confuse my neck with a communication cable."

Icebreaker: "Do we have a way to communicate with Lethe?"
Smirkfluff: "Yell really loud?"

GM: "Nothing unusual, dead bodies being dead bodies."
Nivix: "I'm scanning the bodies to see if there's anything here that jumps out at me."
GM: "Literally or figuratively?"
Nivix: "Both, sure."

GM: "It is the one thing down here that's OSHA compliant."

GM: "You find 20 boxes of coffee grounds, and two packages of Twinkies. The Twinkies are good for another 3 years."
Icebreaker: "Wow, they're pretty old already."

Smirkfluff: "I do the most responsible thing in this situation - I tap the glass."

Computer notes: "The good news is that only two scientists were eaten by this thing."

GM: "The security chief Hammer was in here a month ago from burns and bite marks due to an experiment involving a cybernetic-enhanced dog with a flamethrower."

GM: "Let's say it's playing Bach. Because I like Bach."
Nebula: "I turn the radio off and then back on."
Icebreaker: "No, no, turn it Bach on."

Oze: "Where's Nebby?"
Icebreaker: "She's playing as bait right now."

Scientist: *beep beep* "Ah, my alarm. It's time to take EVERY STIMULANT!"

Smirkfluff: "Stop annoying Slimey."
Nebula: "Don't name it Slimey."
Smirkfluff: "Hang on. I check my pockets and... no, I'm out of cards that say I can't."

Icebreaker: "We have an A.I. for that!"
Smirkfluff: "I'm on a science experiment!"
Icebreaker: "Do you even KNOW any science?"
Smirkfluff: "I know Nebby, that's close enough."
Nebula: "HEY!!"

Nebula: "Which do we want, electrified sparking or murderous fillies?"
Nivix: "What?!"
Nebula: "I didn't stutter."

Smirkfluff: "I'm just gonna walk in cause what could go wrong? ...whoaaa a lot!"

GM: "The samples and container are incinerated to ash, then crushed into a small cube."
Icebreaker: "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

Smirkfluff: "Am I all clear to shoot the goose?"
Icebreaker: "So then I started blastin'."
Nivix: "A real honking mess."
Peanut Gallery: "Rake in a lake."

Icebreaker: "You mess with the honk, you get the bonk!"

GM: "You gonna flush it down the toilet like a baby alligator?"
Smirkfluff: "Oh yeah, that'll go well with no repercussions."

[Edea]

"You see a huge spire in the distance, crackling with eldritch energy and wreathed in unholy flames-"
"It's only a model."
"...dude."
"I'm not ready for this. My vest of resistance isn't even sequined!"
"Should've prepared create food and water, I didn't bring any spam."
"Let's not go to this spire. My divinations tell me it is a silly place."
"GUYS."

[Hellpyre]

Horell: We didn’t expect sneaky ninjas!
Lonji: they’re sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.

I always enjoy me some BNL.

As far as my current campaign:

(After John puts his sleeping half-brother's hand in a bowl of water)
GM: He tosses and turns, but his bladder control is strong.
John: Okay, well, now I'm sure it was magic.

GM: What are you looking for during your watches?
Elara: I'm making sure no one tries to enter the manor.
Fianna: Especially any tumbleweeds.

[DigoDragon]

Alexis: (shoves holy symbol in vampire's face) "Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I need ta get my manager involved?"

[ZeroGear]

E: "I don't suppose we could try talking?"
X: "With the giant death dragon that's trying to kill us with dragon and death?"
E: "...good point."

R: "I'm going to ROCK your world!"
*triggers a cave-in*

O: "Wow it's dark in here. How is anyone supposed to see anything?"
X: "You could try taking the sack off your your head."

A: "Prepare yourself, I'VE GOT OREGANO!"

[BlueHamsterBean]

"Excuse me Mr. Tome, but may I have some good tea?"
"What?"
"Aha, pardon, some extravagant tea."
"What? Nooo! You fool!"

[Bunny Commando]

Guard: "I'm sorry sir, but you can't pass through."
John: "I have an authorization from the president."
Guard: "...what?"
John: "Several presidents, actually. Franklin, Grant and Jackson."

[DigoDragon]

Nivix: "It's a secret lab, it's bound to have an 'Oh s*** it's getting out!' button."

Lethe: "I'm going to try something. It may backfire, but it will be VERY apparent if it does."

Icebreaker: "Tartarus 2.0, another fine product from Shirewase!"

Icebreaker: "Hi, we know what you did. And we'd like to talk about why."

GM: "They're kinda like a gang, but not a dangerous one."
Icebreaker: "The apartment teens..."
Nebula: "You mean like grade school gangs that think they're all that?"
Smirkfluff: "Get off my stairs, you teens!"
Icebreaker: "Two colts afraid to leave the stoop."

Nebula: "Pick acid. Aciiiiid!"

Smirkfluff: "I'm going to try something different and NOT pull my gun out to start shooting everybody."

GM: "This is a double-nope situation, with ice cream on top."

Icebreaker: "My fatique is at 8. I don't know why there's a Q."

Smirkfluff: "I take a side step back and then full auto into #3 for being wrong."

Nivix: "Icebreaker, what's your reflex save?"
Icebreaker: "An excellent question... +5?"
Nivix: "You should be okay then."
*Nivix does the thing*

Icebreaker: "The knife is not battery powered. Unless you count me as a battery, and I use food to create energy. To stab."

Ganger: "Whatever dude. At least it wasn't Tai food. They'd be leaving a hole in the floor."
PC changelings: *nervous laugh*
Ponynapped NPC: *nervous laugh*
Hole in the floor: *nervous laugh*

Lance: "One, two... many... lots..."
Smirkfluff: "One two is twenty-two. so I have twenty-two hooves, right?"
Icebreaker: "And that's how I won the Kentucky Derby. Because I'm Sleipnir."

Smirkfluff: "I wouldn't trust him to wipe his own butt with a map and a guide."

Smirkfluff: "So when I find him, I'm going to find a fire grenade, and I'm going to shove it so far up him he breathes fire."
Icebreaker: "Have you thought of getting into poetry?"
Smirkfluff: "Not my thing."
Icebreaker: "It really isn't."

[Personification]

From Honey Heist:

"I always said I hated Steve's guts, but they turned out to be really useful here."
"Dude, eat a honey. You're not you when you're hungry."

From D&D
Cas the Changeling (who we only know as Bill the Long Goblin): I go into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I also go into the room
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me: I am going to make an insight check to see if I can tell that you aren't being mind controlled.
*Rolls dirty 20*
Me: OK, now I am just confused.
Loghan: While he is doing that, I push past him into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I poke the Modron.
Me: Not to overuse the phrase, but WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Cas (an artificer with both a homunculus and a steel defender): I pull an animal out of my bag of tricks. I can control it using my bonus action.
Me: *move the "Days since acquiring a new pet" counter to 0*

[ZeroGear]

R: "I'm getting drilled by a shark! Get over here and help me already!"

O: "My Magic's not working!"
X: "The fireball isn't working against a monster that lives in molten rock, what a surprise."

A: "If this thing has molten rock in its body, and it shoots globs of it from its mouth, is it shooting magma or lava?"
E: "...not sure. It's magma while it's in the body, but if magma becomes lava when it's above ground, maybe it's shooting lava balls because the magma becomes lava when it leaves the body."
A: "It could also be that it's got lava in it's body because it's above ground, but when it "swims" through the earth it's classified as magma because it's underground?"
E: "Oh! that's another good theory!"
R: "Could we discuss this when we AREN'T BEING ATTACKED BY MOLTEN ROCK MONSTERS?!"

X: "There's a heard of giant kiwis coming right at us."
O: "The bird or the fruit?"
X: "Take a guess."

R: "Get off me you savage, kiwi-riding, unwashed midget!"
Enemy Halfling Barbarian: "Crikey! Look at the gnashers on this-a-one!"

[Rynjin]

"Please! Don't hurt me! I am but a humble Dagon worshiper!"

[Necroticplague]

“Hold on, clarifying this might be life or death: is that ‘stuffed’ as in, taxidermy, or ‘stuffed’ as in a plushie?”

[Ninjadeadbeard]

"Well, if I know doors, this could have been worse."

[DeTess]

"This is our territory! Except when the giant worm is here, then it's his territory."

"Wait.... I've got a white dragon bloodline, so I get cold resistance! That means I'm at 15 hp instead of -8!"

[dunfluff]

Lonji: maybe the river was pissed because it was pissed in?

Horell: Did we get kaminapped?
Scar: we went of our own free will, so more like kamibambozeled.
Sasani: Kamicond

Horell: THE HAPPY GRASS IS SINGING TO ME!

Horell: Don’t encourage the grass.
Lonji: if the grass has musical inclinations it is in our best interest to encourage it.

Loni: I have my own musical accompaniment. This is all I’ve ever wanted.

Sasani: I’ve seen weirder things this week. I saw a table backstab a ninja.

GM: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a string"?

GM: the GM does not know enough about physics for this.

Lonji: Mend me like one of your French wagons.

Alum: I summon a pillar of light, It’s basically a healing shower
Scar: All I heard was golden shower

Horell: the only way to get rid of spirits is to help them with what they want. The problem is that the
Spirit wants to kill us... so not really any good options here.

Horell: Why did you want to eat the murder mushrooms?!
Scar: Because I’m stupid that’s why

GM: They look like edible berries once you smell them and shove them up...
Group: Shove them up where?!

Horell: I have no problem letting them think were idiots. so long as they think were harmless idiots.

Lonji: I’m not judging you; I’m just confirming the madness.

Horell: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a stick"?

Loni: Please kill the spider so I don’t have to make the moral choice?
Horell: you fail at morals?
Lonji: heal friend, kill spider, heal friend, kill spider, heal spider, kill friend.
GM: your going to end up sticking Horell with the rapier.
Scar: It all ends with you hitting the spider with the wand of healing and realizing: "huh. where did my rapier go”?

GM: strangely the intruders are friend shaped.

Lonji: I like the strategy of waving the rabid swashbuckler at the enemy.

Lonji: I know what you are going to say, don’t do, it is bellow your dignity. To which I say: no, its not!

Lonji: I know we see weird sh--- every other day, but the sight of Sasanis horse walking upstairs is just unnatural.

Scar: you get exp for walking into traps, right?
GM: Only if it is EXPlosions.

Lonji: My head is not my default measuring device.

Lonji: hello ambush, my name is amtree.

GM: people are paralyzed and about to be eaten by spiders, this is supposed to be terrifying.
Group: it is. that’s why we’re trying to deflate the tension with bad jokes.

Alum: I have the same strength as a table.
GM: And like a table you’re not moving.

Lonji: We go downstairs and plant our cleric like a flower.

Scar: and for once scar the murderhobo just wanted to talk to him.
Lonji: We´ve done the switchero.

Sasani: Maybe we could convert him?
Alum: we´re going to convert him into mulch.

Lonji: Are the spiders communicating using websters dictionary or are they using the net.
Scar: If their appearance is any hint, their using the dark web.

Scar: and then I calm down again. you may hurt me now.

GM: everyone roll a reflex save, including the furries.

Horell: this is the third worst pain.
Alum: yes, but we´ve all heard underlings laugh at their bosses bad jokes before.