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  1. - Top - End - #661
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Bath View Post
    In this vein a coffee-style meet up might be a better bet (even if you don't like coffee there must be something you find palatable on the menu? Who hates tea? Crazies that's who) as it is a nice safe busy place in daylight(ish).
    I actually dislike tea as well. It's not so much the tea that's a problem, as the fact that hot drinks are really unappetizing to me for some reason. And I've never bothered to try to find something I do like, so getting something cold would be shooting blind. And yes, if this means I'm a crazy, than so be it. I've been called worse

    If you do want to go down the bar route maybe try one that neither you nor she knows, so if it really does suck you can at least get a laugh out of the experience and if it doesn't BOOM new bar that you like. I wouldn't really over-think it though, just find somewhere that'll have lots of other people about so no one is at risk of being kidnapped by the other.

    Feel free to completely ignore my advice however, or at least take it with a pinch of salt. I'm not exactly successful in my own endeavours ever.
    Yeah, the overthinking part is my problem, as I tend to overthink EVERYTHING. Heck, in the last message before the break in communication, I had mentioned that I used to play a lot of video games, but haven't played any in 9 months (completely true) - somehow, I kept coming back to her somehow overreacting to the fact that I *used to* play video games. And yes, I knew every time it crossed my mind that it was completely ridiculous that that would be the reason for a complete stopping of messages. Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a crazy? Yeah... (at me)
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  2. - Top - End - #662
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    I actually dislike tea as well. It's not so much the tea that's a problem, as the fact that hot drinks are really unappetizing to me for some reason. And I've never bothered to try to find something I do like, so getting something cold would be shooting blind. And yes, if this means I'm a crazy, than so be it. I've been called worse
    Eh you get a pass this time. Shooting blind isn't so bad, you making faces over some strange fruit based drink will at least be amusing for your date. Adventure awaits as they say (they in this case being the villain from Up).

    Quote Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
    Yeah, the overthinking part is my problem, as I tend to overthink EVERYTHING. Heck, in the last message before the break in communication, I had mentioned that I used to play a lot of video games, but haven't played any in 9 months (completely true) - somehow, I kept coming back to her somehow overreacting to the fact that I *used to* play video games. And yes, I knew every time it crossed my mind that it was completely ridiculous that that would be the reason for a complete stopping of messages. Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a crazy? Yeah... (at me)
    Pfft, stop that nonsense. I do it all the time about pretty much everything and it is the exact opposite of helpful. Other people have lives too is the thing to remember! And look at it this way, at least she gave an excuse (busy week). Much better than complete silence out of nowhere. If she gets back in touch have a go asking her out, see where that takes you. If not: don't worry about it, you had a good time chatting so just take away the positives.

  3. - Top - End - #663
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Bath View Post
    Pfft, stop that nonsense. I do it all the time about pretty much everything and it is the exact opposite of helpful. Other people have lives too is the thing to remember! And look at it this way, at least she gave an excuse (busy week). Much better than complete silence out of nowhere. If she gets back in touch have a go asking her out, see where that takes you. If not: don't worry about it, you had a good time chatting so just take away the positives.
    She got back to me this morning, actually, which is when she mentioned the busy week. And she sent the message at 5:30 this morning, which I'm taking as a good sign for her being interested, since it means she made a point to send me the message before starting her day.

    And yes, I know overthinking is incredibly counterproductive. Yet somehow, I keep winding up back there and having to fight my instinct to dwell on the "what ifs". It's slowly becoming easier, and the fact that I've been doing nothing for a few months probably isn't helping, as I have too much time to think (I start classes on Monday, so hopefully that'll help).

    Part of why I mention things that I'm overthinking here is that I find it helps me minimize the overthinking, especially when people yell at me for it I do what I can to deal with my crazy, and sometimes it's enough to make me do something. Other times it's just a distraction to keep me from thinking about the same thing I've been thinking about for hours.
    Last edited by rogueboy; 2013-09-20 at 04:55 PM.
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    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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  4. - Top - End - #664
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Ah, you're fine then. Just ask her out when it seems appropriate. Get the dates! Be the winner! Eye of the tiger! Feel the burn! I don't know what I'm doing!

  5. - Top - End - #665
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    So I have a bit of a situation with one of my 'friends'. I've sent him a Facebook message addressing his behaviour, but I thought I'd also post it here. I don't know what I'm expecting here, but if anyone has any comments or opinions (including if you think I'm in the wrong! Please don't hesitate to let me know) then I think I'd like to hear them.

    The situation:
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    I started going out with a girl (referred to here as L) in February of this year. Everything's ideal between the two of us, but this 'friend' (I'll call him K) is a constant thorn in our side. He has carried a torch for L for a good few years now, but I was hoping he'd at least respect our relationship, as he initially claimed to do. Well that hasn't happened, and he continuously tries to weasel his way into her good books or do other things to undermine our relationship. He won't get anywhere with it, but it's still incredibly disrespectful to attempt to do that. Things like if I'm sitting next to her and I get up, even if it's just for a minute, I'll come back and he's moved into my seat. Or if me and L are having a mock argument - one of our favourite things to do - he'll agree with everything she says to me but whenever I respond he'll offer sympathy to her (together with an overly-long hug and two or three comments about how mean I am).
    I've held off saying anything so far because I've been worried that he'll just take it as a "jealous boyfriend" type thing. And if he does that then not only will he just totally ignore everything I say, he'll almost certainly use it as evidence that he needs to leap to L's protection. The last thing I want to do if make him think he's somehow justified in this.
    However, last night we were all at a gathering at another friend's house. He was working his way through the bingo card of "K's antics" pretty well all night actually. He jumped in my seat in order to sit next to L twice, he made several sarcastic comments about me, but the coup de grāce at the end of it was something I've never seen him do before - he sat next to L on the couch and put his arm around her. Now maybe that doesn't sound all that bad, but to me that's something that should only really happen between a person and their SO. I was so infuriated that I didn't say much for the rest of the night and headed home soon after, but today I decided to finally express my thoughts about his behaviour.


    The message itself:
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    Here's the message I sent, word for word (except for name omissions).
    Hi K,
    I've been meaning to talk to you about your behaviour towards myself and L for a while now, and your actions last night proved to be the final push to get me to do so. Basically, I'm at the end of my patience with the frankly disrespectful way you act towards to the pair of us. For over seven months now I have put up with you trying to invade L's personal space, making sarcastic comments about my adequacy as a boyfriend, even as far as getting drunk and attacking us - not just verbally but also physically on at least one occasion. The final straw for me was last night, when you decided it was ok to put your arm around someone else's girlfriend. This confirmed my long-held suspicion that you have no respect for me or L, either as a couple or as individuals.
    I can only suggest that in the future you learn how to treat other people with respect, and also how to act like an adult and respect other people's personal boundaries. If you ever do something this disgustingly rude again, I will not hesitate to come down on you like a stack of bricks.


    What do you guys think? I'm a little worried that the second paragraph especially is a little over-aggressive, but it's always good to get outside opinions. Am I out of line?
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  6. - Top - End - #666
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Have you talked to L about this?

    With the arm thing, that depends entirely on boundaries and context. I've been in circles and situations where it's totally fine for everyone to lie all over one another, and others where that would be completely out of line. Heck, even in one circle there's been one couple that's fine with each other making out with others in a particular set of circumstances, and another that has asked me to remove photos that have one member, and another person of the same sex, carrying and... uh... "threatening to bite the boob" of a person of the other sex. Another person is fine with some girls hugging and poking and otherwise fooling around with her partner, and completely not fine with others doing similar things.
    So yeah. In this specific situation, where you've noticed an unwelcome pattern with him (and presumably your girlfriend noticed and disliked it as well?), that's a fair criticism.

    Kinda reminds me of a guy I met once, and his behaviour around my friend's girlfriend. It was painfully obvious by his behaviour on Facebook and around her in person that he had a major thing for her. And I found it incredibly insulting on my friend's behalf when he openly and uncomfortably flirted with her right in front of him. Now I'm pretty sure my friends up here know him and want to see him and stuff, and it still makes me kinda uncomfortable...

  7. - Top - End - #667
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Yeah I've spoken with L about it. She's about as annoyed by this pattern as I am, but she's even less confrontational than me and so hasn't said anything to him.
    And yeah, insulting is exactly what it is. I guess that word just didn't occur to me earlier, that sometimes happens to me
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  8. - Top - End - #668
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    you did end on a bit of a heavy note (bricks are heavy)..
    I would probably have handled it differently, in a less "physical" manner, but the message per sé itself was justified.
    what I would have done, since your SO shares your feelings on the topic, would be a joint message from the pair of you asking him to back off and respect personal boundaries. your message is a bit too confrontational for my tastes and risks transforming this into a pissing context.
    that said, speaking up was probably the right thing to do.
    has your SO read your message? if not, you may want to share it with her..just to keep everything above board and not end up looking like the jealous boyfriend.
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  9. - Top - End - #669
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Having been K once upon a time, I have to tell you this won't have a happy ending, at least initially. Loving someone like that, it's hard to let go of them in your head, so if you'll need to be extremely blunt with K. Talk to him in person, preferably with your SO there, so that he realizes it's a joint message from both of you. If you try to do it alone, you'll just be reinforcing the "hostile boyfriend" thing he has painted you as in his head.

    A few other things. Make a specific time to do it, agreed with both you, him and your SO - a proper sit down conversation so that the seriousness of the message gets through. Avoid doing it in front of others - this is going to be very uncomfortable for him anyway, humiliating him in front of all his friends won't help.

    The last bit - and this is from personal experience - if he has another friend he can talk to, make sure they're there for him. If the message does get through, he's going to feel like a real jerk afterward. I know I did. =|

  10. - Top - End - #670
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    It would be a very good idea to bring L in on this. In fact, I think her comfort should have had at least a share of that message. It's important as well, and it makes it less "I'm a jealous boyfriend" as "we are an annoyed couple".



    Random letter to a friend, cuz I need to get it out somewhere. No advice (nor even reading) needed.
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    It turns out I'm still pretty angry at you for not being there when I needed you, fairly or not. You promised to reschedule, but you haven't, and I've given up on that. It doesn't matter, anyway: you weren't there when I needed you, and now I don't really need you so there's no point, and the next time I do I'll know better than to call on you. It feels like this has been a fairly one-sided relationship, and you've drifted away. Which isn't really a bad thing: It's good that you've grown enough that you don't have to rely on me any more, and I really don't have any right to want to depend on you. I think I'd be more okay with that if I had someone to replace you with. But they're all too busy too.
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2013-09-23 at 08:42 AM.

  11. - Top - End - #671
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Tum te tum.
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  12. - Top - End - #672
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    So uh, hi. More of a woe then advice, but if there unexpectedly is any advice, it would be welcome.

    Social life going good and all. Yet the lack of a relationship in my life for the last 3 years now has been bothering me a bit. They say ''it'l come to you'' and such, but it isn't. Now three years in the big picture really is nothing but still feelings of annoyance are still annoying.

    One of the biggest reasons that I don't have a relationship or well, anything romantic at the moment is because there's just not that click that I had with any of the girls I used to have crushes upon, date or my exes. Basically I ain't feeling the spark with a girl but I am feeling the desire for a relationship...So it's annoying. And there's really nothing much I can do but ''wait for that girl''.

    So. Bleh.
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  13. - Top - End - #673
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    Although Y encouraged their relationship, around the time that it started she did ask me if I would like her to set me up on a date with Z.
    This seems a bit odd to me. Not that it really makes much difference given that you have put her in the "off-limits" category anyhow (which I agree with).

    I've been looking back on the situation somewhat aghast. Essentially, Z was/is someone I get on well with, have been seeing reasonably regularly and frequently, is someone I find attractive, and has been single for the whole time I've known her, she's been right in front of me for nine months or so, and at least one independent party who knows us both well thinks that it would at least have been worth a try, and it didn't even occur to me to do anything about it until (firstly) someone pointed it out, and (secondly) it was already, by my standards, too late.

    With judgment like that, I can't see how I'm not going to be single forever.
    Learn from it. I've had the same problem. Remember that experience and make an effort to not repeat it the next time around. Mistakes aren't the way most people would pick to learn, but don't pass up their lessons when they come.

    And you never know. Z and X may break up on their own. Just wait for another opportunity or until you move on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota View Post
    Social life going good and all. Yet the lack of a relationship in my life for the last 3 years now has been bothering me a bit. They say ''it'l come to you'' and such, but it isn't. Now three years in the big picture really is nothing but still feelings of annoyance are still annoying.
    I am in the same boat as you. Well, a similar one, at least. Not much really helpful I can say. Just hang in there.
    Last edited by rs2excelsior; 2013-09-23 at 07:55 PM.
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  14. - Top - End - #674
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Bath View Post
    Ah, you're fine then. Just ask her out when it seems appropriate. Get the dates! Be the winner! Eye of the tiger! Feel the burn! I don't know what I'm doing!
    Just asked her out. Eye of the tiger-ing and all of that! We'll see how she responds, I also gave her my number. She's also going on 3 weeks of daily migraines now, so she may or may not be up for much any time soon. Guess I just have to wait and see!
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    you're like a male Felicia Day
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.
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    When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur, just go back to the basics.

  15. - Top - End - #675
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by rs2excelsior View Post
    This seems a bit odd to me. Not that it really makes much difference given that you have put her in the "off-limits" category anyhow (which I agree with).
    Well, realistically I was never going to say yes at that stage, but it perhaps wasn't quite as odd as it might appear; when they first started seeing each other it was very tentative, with weeks between dates and no real certainty about what was going on; there will also certainly have been conversations I wasn't privy to (not necessarily about me, but shedding more light on the situation).
    Learn from it. I've had the same problem. Remember that experience and make an effort to not repeat it the next time around. Mistakes aren't the way most people would pick to learn, but don't pass up their lessons when they come.
    Sadly this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, although it is probably the most egregious. It seems to be something I either have a mental block about or am just incapable.
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  16. - Top - End - #676
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Okay, I'm feeling in a ranting mood. I guess you can help if you want, though the matter of the fact is quite clear to me, I'm mostly just being stubborn.

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    Okay, so there's two girls now that I might be interested in going out: R and B.

    The first one, R, is a girl I met at my school's comic club last semester, and at the time I didn't really have many feelings for her. However, after the term ended and summer vacation began, I began to grow feelings for her after a discussion with a penpal of mine where I said that she might've caught my interest. I decided to talk to her, and we chatted several times over the course of the summer. However, my feelings dialed down after she had disappeared for a week, and after the first conversation I had with her then, I began to lose interest. Of course, they came back in a later conversation, but in the same convo I found out she had decided to not go to my school anymore because the one course they give for what she's interested in, well, is kind of crap. However, she recently reappeared at the club for a visit, which brought her back into my mind.

    The second one, B, is a girl I met in my first semester of college at my school's comic club and developed a crush on after a while. I actually already went out with her once to watch a movie (albeit with one of my male friends and his to-be boyfriend, who actually ended up together as a result of this outing. Of course they're broken up now, and my friend has found another partner as of yesterday). However, since I had no clue on how to follow it up, I ended up doing nothing, and in February this year she got back with one of her exes. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when she appears at the comic club after nobody had heard from her for a while, saying that she was taking the semester off due to failing the previous one due to depression, and also saying that she had broken up with her boyfriend because he was being a complete jerk. It took me no time to fall back in love with her. However, a friend of mine cautioned me that it might not work out with her because I'm not her type, which would be 'bad boys'. So instead of listening to her, I decided it was time that I grow out of my shell and become more confident (the train of reasoning was that I read somewhere, maybe here, that girls are mostly attracted to bad boys because they're much more confident than "nice guys"). I'm not trying to change myself, though, because I know that's a stupid idea. I'm just trying to push out all these mental blocks that prevent me from taking action by drawing from my "inner demon" and its energy. It counts because it's something that's still me, it's just not the part of me that everyone is used to!

    Now, in doing this, I've been smacking myself into several walls: first of all, I'm constantly reminding myself of what my friend said, which makes me unable to feel entirely confident in any attempts I might make in the future. Also, the thought comes to mind: even if I do become confident, how do I show her my newly-gained confidence? It doesn't help that she has been close to impossible to reach for a while now, to the point where I began to feel like she was no longer going to school solely because of me. Speaking of which, I've been long afraid that I had managed to draw her away somehow, even though I haven't really talked much to her through Skype chat save for one or two occasions where she didn't reply, which I fear would bring back horrible memories of a time where something like that did happen, and bring about a wave of depression not seen since last year...

    Also there's the problem that I'm also in the "who do I pick" situation. The thing is that while I seem to have more chances with R, the biggest drawback is that she doesn't strike me as somewhat emotionally distant, which is bad for me since I'm all about the romantic moments, and I'm a complete sucker for sunsets and all that stuff. B seems like a girl who would appreciate those more, but as mentioned above, she's going to be a difficult one to get.

    While I know that the reasonable solution would be to move on from B and focus my energy on R, I just can't let that sit by. As I said at the start, I'm stubborn... I really need to try my luck with B again or else it'll just clog up my mind and possibly drive me insane. At the very least, I'd like for her to actually reject me than to leave it at "some friend said it might not work out", because that friend is not her. So yeah, after I've mastered the art of being confident (or maybe not), when I get a good opportunity I'll ask her out again, or maybe even ask her if she's interested in giving things a try.


    So yeah, that's that. I needed to let that out somewhere... If you have advice on how to calibrate my approach, go ahead! You could also give advice on the situation in general if you want, but I don't really plan on derailing on my intentions just yet...

    Thanks in advance!
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  17. - Top - End - #677
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by BeethroBudkin07 View Post
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    Go for both, see which one you really want once you get to know both of them better.

  18. - Top - End - #678
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    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    Sadly this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, although it is probably the most egregious. It seems to be something I either have a mental block about or am just incapable.
    You aren't incapable, even if it's happened multiple times before. It's taken me a while, and I still haven't fully fixed the same tendency in myself, but it's gotten better.
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  19. - Top - End - #679
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    Dvil's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Dvil View Post
    <snip>
    Argh, there's an update and it's nothing good. I was hoping to organise a sat-down meeting with the three of us as was mentioned here, but L is pretty non-confrontational so we opted not to, instead seeing whether the Facebook message alone would be enough to do the trick. However, life never lets things go that smoothly

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    K has very little respect for anyone's boundaries really. This isn't a problem that only L and I experience but we do get the brunt of it as he's carrying this torch for her. This ties into the latest news.
    I had a phone call today from someone who is not only a committee member of the RPG society at my uni, she's also a member of GitP and so had read about my situation here. Apparently the committee had quite a few people this year saying they were uncomfortable with K's behaviour and that if he was a member this year they would leave. As a result he has been informed that he's not being granted membership this year as some people have said this, though he's not being told who.
    The problem here of course is that I'm almost certainly going to be suspect number 1 if he goes looking for someone to blame, and it's difficult/impossible to show that I had nothing to do with this. His sulks are quite legendary among our group too, so I can see things getting awkward in group settings for the next few weeks


    So yeah, that's the situation now. No-one's really at fault for this new turn of events but it's still no fun for anyone involved. Ah well.
    Last edited by Dvil; 2013-09-24 at 04:13 PM.
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  20. - Top - End - #680
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    So he's not responded at all?

    And nobody of the above mentioned people actually like him? Then who keeps inviting him/telling him about events?

    Just ignore him/kick him out of your social life if you can.(Granted that you don't have the same classes or somesuch)
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  21. - Top - End - #681
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    I really didn't feel like exposing myself to this thread over Dvil's matter due to my position in this situation (I'm not L if someone wonders ), but, Dallas,
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    according to a lot of people K is not a person that understands other people's wishes over him to back off, respect them, all that. I know that to certain things where we hang out he invites himself and to be fair K has some friends and there are some people he's not rude to, but I think we're at a point where more and more people are coming forward actually expressing that they are no longer putting up with his antics. To my knowledge people have repeatedly told K he's not desired company, yet he continues with his behaviour.


    I will say no more over the matter due to wanting to keep some sort of privacy over what sort of stuff I go through IRL and well Dvil is free to tell as much as he's willing to tell, but from this on I'm hands off from these events as much as I can.
    I'm sort of wound up by having to deal with this that I needed to vent in the most neutral way possible. So, sorry Dvil for butting in like this.
    (and yes, I am a bit afraid K will somehow find this message, do a 1 + 1 = 3 and make unnecessary assumptions and start blaming me over something without any evidence.)
    Last edited by FinnLassie; 2013-09-24 at 05:26 PM.
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  22. - Top - End - #682
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    So random question, has anyone seen a heterosexual relationship (in America) work when the guy doesn't have a pretty clear declaration of interest from the girl in some form or another?
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  23. - Top - End - #683
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    So random question, has anyone seen a heterosexual relationship (in America) work when the guy doesn't have a pretty clear declaration of interest from the girl in some form or another?
    uhhh... If one person doesn't give some indication of reciprocal interest at some point, then what you have there is not so much a relationship as either abuse or stalking. Do you maybe need to clarify your question a bit? Like "expression of interest from the girl before the relationship starts" or something?

  24. - Top - End - #684
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    uhhh... If one person doesn't give some indication of reciprocal interest at some point, then what you have there is not so much a relationship as either abuse or stalking. Do you maybe need to clarify your question a bit? Like "expression of interest from the girl before the relationship starts" or something?
    Yes. As in, guy asks girl out without an absolute clear sign that she already likes him and has it work out. Doesn't matter now, anyways. Adding another "no" to my list. I'm getting good at this getting rejected thing.
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  25. - Top - End - #685
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    I think most successful asking outs are preceded by an indication by the askee that they are receptive to such an approach. I don't think this is always, nor even often, explicit, but more in the form of body language, flirting, etc. Not all successful askings out feature this, I expect, but most. Not all askings out that do feature it are successful - some may involve a misinterpretation (e.g. they were just being friendly), a lack of intent behind the actions (e.g. they might just be flirty), a change of mind, and so on.

    Good on you for trying, though. Really. Well done
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2013-09-25 at 12:42 AM.

  26. - Top - End - #686
    Colossus in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Dvil View Post
    Argh, there's an update and it's nothing good. I was hoping to organise a sat-down meeting with the three of us as was mentioned here, but L is pretty non-confrontational so we opted not to, instead seeing whether the Facebook message alone would be enough to do the trick. However, life never lets things go that smoothly

    Spoiler
    Show
    K has very little respect for anyone's boundaries really. This isn't a problem that only L and I experience but we do get the brunt of it as he's carrying this torch for her. This ties into the latest news.
    I had a phone call today from someone who is not only a committee member of the RPG society at my uni, she's also a member of GitP and so had read about my situation here. Apparently the committee had quite a few people this year saying they were uncomfortable with K's behaviour and that if he was a member this year they would leave. As a result he has been informed that he's not being granted membership this year as some people have said this, though he's not being told who.
    The problem here of course is that I'm almost certainly going to be suspect number 1 if he goes looking for someone to blame, and it's difficult/impossible to show that I had nothing to do with this. His sulks are quite legendary among our group too, so I can see things getting awkward in group settings for the next few weeks


    So yeah, that's the situation now. No-one's really at fault for this new turn of events but it's still no fun for anyone involved. Ah well.
    Oooo, this thing I was recently pointed at is so quickly relevant!
    What we have here is a clear case of Geek Social Fallacy #1, and quite possibly #2 on his part, as well.
    I am of the belief that people should almost always be given a clear warning to fix undesirable behaviour, and specific details of what behaviour is undesirable, before punishing or excluding them. It sounds like that's been done here, but he didn't learn and kept on doing it. He was warned, and now he's meeting the consequence of that. Too bad. The comfort of multiple people wins out over the ego of one person who was given ample warning. And that is okay. We don't actually have to include or be friends with everybody. Maybe he'll learn for next time. Or find a new group of people that are fine with his behaviour.

  27. - Top - End - #687
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    I think most successful asking outs are preceded by an indication by the askee that they are receptive to such an approach. I don't think this is always, nor even often, explicit, but more in the form of body language, flirting, etc. Not all successful askings out feature this, I expect, but most. Not all askings out that do feature it are successful - some may involve a misinterpretation (e.g. they were just being friendly), a lack of intent behind the actions (e.g. they might just be flirty), a change of mind, and so on.
    Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I don't think I've ever really been flirted with or had a girl be interested in me so far.

    Good on you for trying, though. Really. Well done
    Thanks. I'd like to start actually succeeding, though, rather than just going through a long string of failures.
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  28. - Top - End - #688
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Quote Originally Posted by MrDirt View Post
    Go for both, see which one you really want once you get to know both of them better.
    Well, you see, that's far from being the problem. I've known the two of them for a long amount of time. In fact, I kind of already decided I would try my luck with B. The thing is, it feels like Life in itself is trying to put a wrench into my plans whenever I attempt to make the process to make myself more confident. One minute I'll feel ready to take on the world, the next I go back to being an indecisive wreck. And also I've had far too little luck in actually getting a chance to reach her. She's barely ever logged in on Skype (and the few times I did try to reach her when she was online, she wasn't responsive), and I haven't seen her since that one time she appeared at my school's comic club.

    But as I said, I'm determined to at least ask her if she's interested in "giving things a try", even if I might've not made the best impression in the past, but it seems I'm going through the waiting game, and that tends to sorely test the limits of my resolve... But I'll make it through.
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  29. - Top - End - #689
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Update on my situation which has left me rather confused:
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    Today when I went on fb and the girl who I love and was rejected by and stayed friends with for months then recently cut me off (I'll say A because everyone else seems to use letters), had poked me on both her profiles. A sometimes used the pokes to tell me that she wants to talk, other times A's just poking everyone on her list cause she's bored.

    The realistic part of me said it was the latter. So I just poked back and ignored it. Then when I checked later she had poked me again, and this happened several times in the day. But everytime A was offline by the time I went on. About an hour ago A sent it while it was online and because of the rather large number of pokes the realistic part sorta gave into my desperate want for hope and basically immediately sent a message saying "umm... hey..." and from there I awkwardly asked if A still hated me.

    She said idk... so I decided to give her space, said sorry for bothering her and was just going to leave. But then A told me to not say sorry, "Just... Coz". Deciding to not interrogate her about why any further I decided to leave "again" and just said that if she stops hating her to tell me and that I missed her... Which was a really bad move...

    A immediately told me not to say that I miss her and that hearing me say that makes her feel like crying.... which immediately made me go back to my habit of trying to make her feel better (I'm not good at it, but sometimes I "apparently" made a difference)... which caused A to send her symbol of I don't know what to say....

    So again I decided to leave because obviously I was just making things worse...
    Last edited by Milo v3; 2013-09-25 at 08:19 AM.
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  30. - Top - End - #690
    Troll in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vis versa

    Hard as it might be, I think you just need to cut this person out. They were willing to do the same to you and basically they don't appear to care that distress they're causing you. Go for the clean break I think.

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