Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[CrazyPenguin]

Let the shipping begin.

My thoughts exactly.

[DigoDragon]

Let the shipping begin.

My thoughts exactly.

There are no brakes on the shipping train?


Viridia: “I have something to say! I look, frankly, magnificent in my new armor, and nobody has complimented me.”
Moon: “Now, let's all admire Viridia, so she won't worry about not being the prettiest Pegasi in the Wasteland.”
Dr. Stitchheart: “I am pleasantly surprised that they made riot gear sized for teenagers.”

Lead Sugar: “We're wizards. We have a satellite connection and crystal balls.”
Doc: *Snerk*

Doc: “As long as both ghouls were alive, someone was gonna want someone dead.”

Moon: “I think I found Moonshadow's theme song for living in the Wasteland.”

Moon: “And Stellar took them both down by herself.”
Stellar: “This is maybe slightly glossing over the part where Stellar had total surprise and still took a shotgun blast.”
Choro: “Being taken down by Stellar doesn't count. I'm pretty sure Stellar could take down any two other members of the party with the same circs just as easily.”
Moon: “Bah, details!”

Choro: “They did also say they'd consider Doc's medical care to offset their costs to start with. We can turn Doc's charity into free mercenary support!”
Doc: “Did you just privatize Doc's cutie mark talent?”

[ZeroGear]

Moon: “I think I found Moonshadow's theme song for living in the Wasteland.”

And I think I have found one for Viridia.

[digiman619]

Choro: (*badly wounded*) “Glad you're both all right.”
Doc: “Glad *I'M* right? What about you, you silly filly! Geez, he did a freakin' number on you. Just... here, let me take care of the bleeding.” (*bandages Choro*)
Choro: “Hey, we wizards are tougher than we look. At least this way he didn't shoot either of you, right?”
Doc: “Choro, I was trying to draw his fire because you aren’t wearing any armor! Still, whatever spell you cast a minute ago seemed to drop him. Just, next time...”
[Beat]
Doc: (*gives Choro a warm hug*) “Next time, please put on some armor first.”
Choro: (*hugs back*) “Point taken.”

Let the shipping begin. None can stop the shipping.

My thoughts exactly.

There are no brakes on the shipping train?

[GrayGriffin]

"Fun note: Cori is only smacking Brand lightly because she realizes he has an interrogation to do still and hitting him in the face may hamper his ability to do it"

"That would trigger the Justice bond, if it weren't for you yourself being Justice."

[Inevitability]

"Either this is going to explode, or it's going to work really well."

[IZ42]

Bahat: The halflings are pretty useful as a food source. Maybe we should capture some.
Nephit: For breeding purposes? They take a while to mature though.
Bahat: Yeah, it'd be a work in progress. We could probably select for lowered maturation times, slowly bring em down that way.
Nephit: It would solve our food crisis.
Bahat: That's the point.
DM (ooc): Guys why

Spoiler: Context!

Show

We're playing a post-apocalyptic evil Kobolds game. We're currently raiding a halfling village because we were looking for the library near it, and halflings are tasty. Bahat, the brains of the group, realized that halflings could be a sustainable food source. Thus the conversation. Bahat is mildly specist.

[Inevitability]

Bahat: The halflings are pretty useful as a food source. Maybe we should capture some.
Nephit: For breeding purposes? They take a while to mature though.
Bahat: Yeah, it'd be a work in progress. We could probably select for lowered maturation times, slowly bring em down that way.
Nephit: It would solve our food crisis.
Bahat: That's the point.
DM (ooc): Guys why

Spoiler: Context!

Show

We're playing a post-apocalyptic evil Kobolds game. We're currently raiding a halfling village because we were looking for the library near it, and halflings are tasty. Bahat, the brains of the group, realized that halflings could be a sustainable food source. Thus the conversation. Bahat is mildly specist.

Isn't the main point of raising other species for food converting stuff you can't eat (grass, seeds) into stuff you can eat (steak, mutton)? Unless there's a specific lack of protein or some plentiful nearby food can only be metabolized by halflings, breeding them for food seems impractical.

Oh, and there's the ethical stuff too, I guess. Treating sentient species like cattle is bad and all that.

[Inevitability]

DM: No taxation without oxidation!

[Freed]

Bard: I use my Harp of Slumber on the Dragon!
Cleric: Some frosty spell or other!
DM: Well, Mr. Sleepy Dragon decides to find somewhere warm to sleep. You've annoyed the Dragon Away.
Bard/Cleric: Yay!

.................................................. .................................................. ..........................................
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Bard: So this person has the same name as Markus? (Our Fighter) What does he look like?
DM: Brown hair, Blue eyes, and he's in a straightjacket mumbling about a chained god.
Bard: Let's call him Cool Markus!

[IZ42]

Isn't the main point of raising other species for food converting stuff you can't eat (grass, seeds) into stuff you can eat (steak, mutton)? Unless there's a specific lack of protein or some plentiful nearby food can only be metabolized by halflings, breeding them for food seems impractical.

Oh, and there's the ethical stuff too, I guess. Treating sentient species like cattle is bad and all that.

We're Kobolds, and we're being evil. Practicality is a secondary concern over being depraved

[JBPuffin]

Spoiler: Pics For Days

Show

Can I sig this? It's so...beautiful. O_O

[Sith_Happens]

August (OOC): [In Freud voice/accent:] "Speaking of therapy, I think a real life session is in order. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by 2016."

Richard: "Do we have to listen to the entire musical number?"
August: "No."
Shonen: "Yes."

Shonen (OOC): "Oh... Okay... The way you were rolling the die in your hand it looked like pantomiming..."
Logan (OOC): [*disgusted facepalm*]

DM: "So you might say that Logan comes inside."
Shonen (OOC): "No that's Brur."
Logan (OOC): [*stares in contempt*]

Shonen: "I feel slight discomfort at the conspicuous lack of an expository flashback."

August: "I seduce the dragon."
Shonen (OOC): "Whose therapist you were about six hours ago."
DM: "Yeah, major breach of professional ethics much?"
August: "I'm not a professional therapist."

[MasterMercury]

Dave-san: I grab one of the mushrooms.
DM: What's your AC?

Dionysus: Can I roll to recognize the creature? Rolls 1
DM: It's the Grinch.
Everyone else rolls poorly: Yeah it is!

Tyrath: wait, what have I been eating?

DM: You see a pig.
Gertrude: Fire bolt!
Kaskata: Arrow!
Dionysus: Dagger!
Gaius: Befriend!

Dionysus: Can I steal the pig carcass?

Gaius: Wait a second, I have a hell hound.

Dionysus; Can I throw Gaius's body? Rolls well
DM: yeah, and you crush 3 blood sucking bats with it.
Dionysus: wait, I have a pig carcass!

Gertrude: Does a lake have AC?

DM: You are in a lake, floating on a mushroom, surrounded by scaly, gray, bipedal fish-men.
Gaius: I befriend one!
Kaskata: I shoot one!
Gertrude: Witch Bolt!
Tyrath: Lightning Horn!
Dionysus: Wait, I have a pig carcass!

12-year old brother playing for Dionysus: What's a D****?
DM: Why is that on his sheet!

Gertrude: But does a lake have hit points?

DM: So, there were 28 Troglodytes. 12 killed by Gertrude, 4 by the general party, and the rest are alive.

DM: Oil of slipperiness.
Party: Laughs.

Gaius: So where do I put my troglodyte on my page?
DM: Equipment?

[digiman619]

Can I sig this? It's so...beautiful. O_O

Feel free. I can't stop you.

[ElFi]

Rico: Need a hand, my lady?
Faeli: Mr. Rico, are you suggesting I need help getting across flat ground?
Rico: ...never mind.

Rico: So, how much is breakfast, then?
Innkeeper: Well, after you helped me so much last night...
Faeli (OOC): Free food, free food, free food!
Innkeeper: ...I'd say it's on the house.
Faeli (OOC): Yaaassss!!!

[Vihlrune]

Theresa: Oh, by the way, I was never really here.
GM: And with that, Theresa disappears.
Troy: ...It's a really good thing that I didn't start punching, that would've been awkward.

---------

Rico: I tell Victor about what happened.
DM: Victor, roll a wisdom check.
*Victor rolls low*
DM: He's disrespecting your honor!
Victor: Alright, I go back to sleep.
[brief silence]
DM: You guys are no fun.

[DigoDragon]

Choro: “So the plan is Moonshadow and Doc stealthily entering the factory…”
Doc: “Why did I think you were going to write a ship just now? 'Doc and Moonshadow, Moving stealthily, K I S S I N G...' But yes, we stealth and y’all provide fire support. Should be fine.”
Choro: “I really don't buy things going that smoothly. They never do.”
Doc: “What, with the shipping or the stealth? Cause the one not needing a skill check has a better chance of success with my kind of luck.”

Dr. Stitchheart: “If you would please remove your armor and spread your wings, we could start.”

Choro: “I expect robots, robots, robots... and then ponies, right when we don't expect.”
Doc: “Well there's likely at least one ‘pony’ in there, Hoi Sin. I say pony in quotes because I didn't get confirmation on a species. He could be a camel for all I know. …In fact, with this GM the camel theory is more likely.”

Strata: “Alright, unicorns magic, pegusi fly, and earth ponies earth.”
Doc: “'Earth ponies earth'. Can't say that's a new one.”
Strata: “A question; when's the last time you earthed?”

Doc: “I applaud the GM for putting some crunch behind earth pony resilience by allowing EPs to have two more effective slots than other races for cybernetics. Thus, unicorns magic, pegusi fly, and earth ponies cyborg.”

[Belac93]

DM (me): "So, are all of you prostitute paladins?"
Everyone else: "Yep! Except for Silver."
DM: "And this was planned?"
Everyone else: "Nope!"

Quinn: "No! I'd never do that!"
NPC: "I can pay you!"
Quinn: "I am listening intently..."

Darvin: "How much AC does my chain lingerie give me?"

Silver: "I curl up in a ball and cry until the noises stop."

Quinn: "So, now we are off to find the plot!"
DM: "Yes, the plot! You will be blown away..." Proceeds to look at a single sheet of paper containing the words: 'conqueror of narcolepsy,' 'don't forget the portal under Silver's nipple,' and 'quickling strip club.' Topping it all off in big red letters: 'IMPROVISE.'

[Inevitability]

Quinn: "So, now we are off to find the plot!"
DM: "Yes, the plot! You will be blown away..." Proceeds to look at a single sheet of paper containing the words: 'conqueror of narcolepsy,' 'don't forget the portal under Silver's nipple,' and 'quickling strip club.' Topping it all off in big red letters: 'IMPROVISE.'

I don't know this DM, but I feel an odd kinship with him.

[Belac93]

I don't know this DM, but I feel an odd kinship with him.

The DM is me. I really stopped trying to write a plot a year ago, I just do whatever feels right at this point.

[ZeroGear]

Dr. Stitchheart: “If you would please remove your armor and spread your wings, we could start.”

Goodnight everypony! Wait, was Stitchheart talking to Viridia or Moonshadow?

Choro: “I expect robots, robots, robots... and then ponies, right when we don't expect.”
Doc: “Well there's likely at least one ‘pony’ in there, Hoi Sin. I say pony in quotes because I didn't get confirmation on a species. He could be a camel for all I know. …In fact, with this GM the camel theory is more likely.”

Why am I suddenly reminded of the womanizing camel from One Piece?

[BladeofObliviom]

NPC: "Oh, and don't mind Ogre. She's the best bodyguard a man could ask for but sadly not much for conversation."
Blossom: "Is that what you named her? It doesn't suit her, she's a delicate maiden."
NPC: "Personally, I think it rolls off the tongue better than 'Rare and Terrifying Result of Contaminants in the Water Supply', but perhaps that's a matter of taste."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Darvin: "How much AC does my chain lingerie give me?"

Hmm, so it's one of those kind of games.

Goodnight everypony! Wait, was Stitchheart talking to Viridia or Moonshadow?

Viridia. She's kind of a big deal among the NPC mares. :3

Why am I suddenly reminded of the womanizing camel from One Piece?

A womanizing... camel?

NPC: "Personally, I think it rolls off the tongue better than 'Rare and Terrifying Result of Contaminants in the Water Supply', but perhaps that's a matter of taste."

I am both curious and wary of this lady's powers.

Viridia: “...who's in charge of naming this crap? More to the point, who wants to sleep with a griffon?”
Choro: *creates an illusion of the sexiest lady hippogryph the young pony can think of flaps down from the night sky*
Doc: “If I weren't already taken and she were real, I'd tap that.”

Doc: “What physical anatomical characteristic makes an earth pony unique of the three tribes?”
Viridia: *resisted the urge to say ‘Tiny dongs’*

Moon: “If more Earth Ponies are surviving then Unicorns, then doesn't that point to Earth Ponies being more resilient then other ponies?”
Doc: “I just thought it was because earth ponies don't mess with corrupting magic and explode as often.”

Stellar: “Viridia and Moonshadow would probably be most interested in these 'benefits' you offer.”
Doc: “Pssst, ask what these 'benefits' are first.”

[BladeofObliviom]

I am both curious and wary of this lady's powers.

Spoiler: Dread Context

Show

As perhaps implied by the name Ogre, the lady in question is...very big. The setting is science fiction so Ogres don't actually exist; she's a mutant.

There's someone you don't recognize watching the Elevator: A twisted hulk of a woman with long and stringy black hair, snaggle-teeth, a dull expression, and a visibly hunched posture. Despite this, she's almost nine feet tall and built of muscle. One can only imagine what kind of heart she must have to avoid passing out: She looks like she could crush rocks to dust with her bare hands. With this in mind, she looks almost comical in an apparently custom-tailored, bright red smoking jacket. She isn't carrying any visible weapons, but it's hard to imagine she needs them.

EDIT: Have I mentioned that your FO:E campaign sounds like a delight? Because it does.

[Inevitability]

Tons of quotes!

DM: So, you guys are playing an evil lightsaber paladin, a psycho sorcerer, a hyperactive bard and a horror monk?
Monk: Reaper monk, not horror monk. That's why I bought a sickle.
DM: The Grim Reaper wields a scythe.
Monk: Those are basically the same thing, right?

Bard: I'm just a guy with a green cape and nice slippers.

Bard: Let's kill the paladin! Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

Sorcerer: I look for secret doors!
DM: You look for secret doors?
Sorcerer: Yes.
DM: At the base of an icy mountain?
Sorcerer: Yes.
DM: While you have no reason to believe there's any secret doors here?
Sorcerer: Yes.
DM: Without any kind of positive intelligence modifier or training in Investigation?
Sorcerer: Yes.
DM: You don't find anything. What did you roll, by the way?

Sorcerer: It's easy; just polymorph into a tyrannosaur.
DM: Did practical solutions kill your parents or something?

Paladin: I command my zombies to bow down and praise my greatness!
DM: That's the only reason you got them, isn't it?

Sorcerer: Does anyone have an idea how I'm going to get down this mountain?
Paladin: We'll tie you to this hunk of metal, then throw it off the edge.

Sorcerer: FIREBALL!
Monk: I'm in the blast radius!
Sorcerer: Good point; better cast it again to be sure.

DM: Two reindeer fall to your salmon rays.

Monk: What do you mean, we're not friends? We're robbing a castle together!

Bard: Let's kill the zombies! Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

Monk: I still don't trust the sorcerer. What if he tries to disintegrate me?
Sorcerer: Why would I do that?
DM: Well, if we're talking about disintegrating that player's monks, you've done so twice before.
Sorcerer: The first one doesn't count! He got better!

Paladin: Can my zombies climb down the cliff?
DM: Well, you can command them to climb down the cliff...
Paladin: They're going to fail, aren't they?

DM: Let me get this straight. You want to use your spellbook as an improvised thrown weapon. Your spellbook.
Sorcerer: Never mind that, I've got a better idea.
DM: Every idea is a better idea!

DM: Make an attack roll.
Monk: It's far outside his attack range; skill shouldn't matter here!
DM: Fine, make a dumb luck roll.

DM: Okay guys, time to advance the plot.
Paladin: I think he wants me to kick down a door.

Monk: I loot the hinges!

Paladin: How does it feel to have killed zero enemies so far when I've killed five?
Sorcerer: Those thirty-two elf captives are all standing near each other, right?
DM: They are.
Sorcerer: Fireball. How's it feel to be twenty-seven kills behind?

Bard: OH GOD IT'S JINGLE BELLS THE TERRIBLE!

Monk: Well, it's not like I can run up wal... oh wait.

[CrazyPenguin]

DM: Make an attack roll.
Monk: It's far outside his attack range; skill shouldn't matter here!
DM: Fine, make a dumb luck roll.

Sorcerers don't even have spellbooks.

[Inevitability]

Sorcerers don't even have spellbooks.

The player in question was a sorcerer pretending to be a wizard. At the time, the other players didn't know he wasn't a wizard, and I decided to respond to his statement as if he were one, to maintain the illusion.

[Absol197]

New ones from just now in our campaign!

"We're not cannibals, we're scientists! There's a difference!"

"If we put all these fish brains in series, we can increase their computing power exponentially!"

[LastCenturion]

Tiefling: "I shut the door and bar it. Now the chocolate can't get us."

DM: "Wait, what are you using to bar the door? You don't have anything on you."

Tiefling: "Oh, hmm... I'll use the elf."