Relationship Woes and Advice: Sweet Sixteen

[Syka]

Previous Thread: Relationship Woes and Advice: 15-Love (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=167780)

obligatory copypasta


Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Three years old and growing. As Pancake says, this isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. :smallsmile: All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. (http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/rape.html#abusive) Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

Another list (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm) - courtesy of Pheehelm and arkady

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka

Previous Thread: Relationship Woes and Advice: 15-Love (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=167780)

[Trog]

Well let's start this off, shall we.

*EDIT* False Alarm, thankfully.

Carry on with your lives.

[Serpentine]

Aw, that's a shame. Friendly?

[Cobra_Ikari]

Awws. *scaly snuggle*



I never know if I want a relationship because I never know what I want from it. All the important things, I get in friendship, too. =\

[Syka]

Still, the end to relationships almost always suck in some way. *Hugs* are here if you need them.



Also, absolmorph, if you stop by this new thread before the old one, I left you some advice there. :) I can repaste if desired.

[Trog]

Awws. *scaly snuggle*



I never know if I want a relationship because I never know what I want from it. All the important things, I get in friendship, too. =\
Thanks, Cobes.

Knowing what you want will come to you in time, I think. Finding what you want is a whole other thing, I'm afraid.

Still, the end to relationships almost always suck in some way. *Hugs* are here if you need them.
Thank you, Syka, that's very kind.

[Dusk Eclipse]

Sorry to hear that Trog, :hugs:

[Lillith]

So I got a question. I went to my therapist today (finally, first time since May. Therapy here SUCKS) and I've been having this problem with my LDR lately. My and my LDR both got some issues and I have absolutely no idea how people with the same situation cope with them. My therapist told me to first try and find out for myself and start asking people. For example, put up a 'question form' of some sorts on a website.

Now here's my question: Can I do this here, or would it be smarter (especially considering I'd like to see a lot of answers) to make a separate thread for it in the Friendly Banter section? Since this is mainly focused on LDR's and well... yeah that. I have no clue how many people on here have experience with that so yeah, I thought I should ask before doing anything.

[absolmorph]

Also, absolmorph, if you stop by this new thread before the old one, I left you some advice there. :) I can repaste if desired.
I already saw.


absolmorph, sounds like a classic case of her trying to make you jealous. She knows you like another girl (apparently also at the party?) and is feeling insecure and jealous. She knows you know E is after her, so to make you feel the same way, she acts all touchy feely with him after being stand offish with you.

It's sadly common, and a very immature* way of dealing with insecurity. I know you guys are young (if I'm remembering correctly), but that is no excuse. Sit her down, impress upon her that you can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act. You want to be with HER, not the other girl. You would also like to be extended the same courtesy by not having her act as if she'd rather be with another guy.

All that said, it sounds like this relationship is getting very drama filled. How long have you been together? Is it really worth the stress of this drama?

Sweet Sixteen (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9766674#post9766674)

*Immature not referring to age. I've seen women and men my age and older pull the same stuff. It's really petty and a horrible way of going about 'solving' problems.
I've tried to get that across every time the subject has come up, and the last time it did she said she'd trust me about it, but she still seems kinda... bitter, I guess.
To answer your questions: we've been together for six months and 19 days, and I'm not sure if it's worth it right now. It feels worse every time one of us does something the other doesn't like, and I kinda feel like enough's enough.
On the other hand, she's a wonderful girl and being with her can be fun. Well, it usually is.
And her jumping up to greet him was the only time (at the party) she really showed him more affection than me.

[cdstephens]

So I got a question. I went to my therapist today (finally, first time since May. Therapy here SUCKS) and I've been having this problem with my LDR lately. My and my LDR both got some issues and I have absolutely no idea how people with the same situation cope with them. My therapist told me to first try and find out for myself and start asking people. For example, put up a 'question form' of some sorts on a website.

Now here's my question: Can I do this here, or would it be smarter (especially considering I'd like to see a lot of answers) to make a separate thread for it in the Friendly Banter section? Since this is mainly focused on LDR's and well... yeah that. I have no clue how many people on here have experience with that so yeah, I thought I should ask before doing anything.

If I were you I'd put it here just in case making a new thread about it would get it closed or something, and worst case people who want to answer and can jump over to that thread.

Although I don't have experience with LDR (though I tried to be in one, didn't work out, see last page of last thread), my best friend is currently in a very successful LDR. Had a few rocky bumps (at one point he was considering breaking up), but right now things are better than ever for them it seems. What's amazing is the amount of distance that separate them; he's in the Midwest while she's on the East coast. So they may only see each other a few times a year now that they just grad from high school.

Since you didn't ask a specific question (yet), I guess my general advice would be to set up boundaries (is it open? what can you do and not do?) and specified times you talk to each other (everyday? every other day? vid chat days?), etc. Also, like with anything long distance, whether it's friends, significant others, or family, if you don't keep at it eventually you will drift apart. But if you make an effort to talk to the person and if they reciprocate, you can easily prevent this from happening. Like my old gf and I are very close now, despite being in separate states and not having any physical contact for the last 3 months because we make an effort to talk to each other a lot (basically everyday now, and from what I've ascertained a LOT more than how much the average couple that are actually in a relationship, I still don't know why).

[Eloel]

RL, don't read. Seriously. If you know me, chances are you know what I'm talking about, and I do NOT want you to know it. Simple, eh?
When your logic tells you someone is 'the perfect one' for you, but your feelings say you 'love' (or attracted, heavily, at any rate) someone else, who do you pursue?
Neither of them has shown any specific interest in a relationship with me, so that's not a factor. But really, my logic tells me that the computer geek whom I've known for over 5 years now is the best chance I'll ever have. My instincts tell me to go pursue some other girl who, even if we ended up dating, would likely be way out of sync with me lifestyle-wise. Now yes, the first girl is not overly-attractive physically, but I should NOT care about physical appearence, I know that, I believe that, logic tells that. But something in me, something I'd rather have dead, I guess, is pulling me away.

I turn to your wisdom playground. Please?

[Innis Cabal]

The answer is neither. As the old saying goes, go after two birds and you'll go home hungry. Focus on one and you may not see the rabbit at your feet.

If they're not interested in you (the one after 5 years) that ship has sailed, and no amount of rowing will get you to it.

[Destro_Yersul]

So I got a question. I went to my therapist today (finally, first time since May. Therapy here SUCKS) and I've been having this problem with my LDR lately. My and my LDR both got some issues and I have absolutely no idea how people with the same situation cope with them. My therapist told me to first try and find out for myself and start asking people. For example, put up a 'question form' of some sorts on a website.

Now here's my question: Can I do this here, or would it be smarter (especially considering I'd like to see a lot of answers) to make a separate thread for it in the Friendly Banter section? Since this is mainly focused on LDR's and well... yeah that. I have no clue how many people on here have experience with that so yeah, I thought I should ask before doing anything.

My current relationship is long distance. It's been going for over a year now, and still strong. I may not be the most experienced person out there in the ways of relationships, but on this, at least, I have some small amount. Ask away, and I'll do my best to answer. Here or in another thread, though here would probably be better for getting advice. Or the other thread may just get merged with this one.

[Eloel]

If they're not interested in you (the one after 5 years) that ship has sailed, and no amount of rowing will get you to it.

I'm completely unable to understand what anyone feels without them telling me. That includes hatred, and interest as well. That makes me suspect everyone of being interested in me AND hating me.
Yes, I suck. I try to live with it. I pretty much fail at it. Thus, I'm turning to you guys.

[Daimbert]

RL, don't read. Seriously. If you know me, chances are you know what I'm talking about, and I do NOT want you to know it. Simple, eh?

You DO realize that this is like creating a button that says "Do not press", right [grin]?


When your logic tells you someone is 'the perfect one' for you, but your feelings say you 'love' (or attracted, heavily, at any rate) someone else, who do you pursue?
Neither of them has shown any specific interest in a relationship with me, so that's not a factor. But really, my logic tells me that the computer geek whom I've known for over 5 years now is the best chance I'll ever have. My instincts tell me to go pursue some other girl who, even if we ended up dating, would likely be way out of sync with me lifestyle-wise. Now yes, the first girl is not overly-attractive physically, but I should NOT care about physical appearence, I know that, I believe that, logic tells that. But something in me, something I'd rather have dead, I guess, is pulling me away.

I turn to your wisdom playground. Please?

Well, I'm not going to proclaim to be an expert or even have wisdom in these matters, but I'll give you some advice based on my own principles (spoilered, I hope, so as not to get you in trouble):


The answer might well be: neither. But that's going to be up to you.

Let's start with the second girl. I'm going to make some presumptions here, which are that you are interested in a relationship -- at least eventually -- and that you don't think that you and this girl are going to be compatible. But you find her very attractive. The problem is exactly this: attraction is not enough for a relationship. If you two aren't compatible, a relationship won't work, no matter how attractive you find her. So, if you want to pursue her, you really need to think about whether you think either she or you or both can change enough to eliminate the incompatibilities. If you can't, then it won't work and it isn't a good idea.

Now, to the first girl. You don't seem to find her as attractive as the second girl, and I'm here to tell ya that, hey, looks DO matter ... but not as much as some people think. Do you find her attractive? At all? Or is she just not as attractive as other girls you see? Do you like her? Do you think her really compatible with you? If you don't find her attractive at all but like her personality, you're looking at her as a friend and not as someone you'd date, and so it wouldn't be good to set that up only to decide later "Ya know what? I don't think you're attractive enough. See ya!". So, with her is it non-existent or just overshadowed? And have you ever seen her when she dressed to the nines to really show how attractive she is?

So that's the choice. If you think that you and the second girl just might be compatible -- and think of that rationally, not rationalized -- then she might be the one to pursue. If you think that the first girl is attractive but not incredibly so, but that she's probably quite compatible with you, then she might be the one to pursue, and might grow on you in terms of attractiveness. But if you don't think either is the case, then neither is right for you.

So, onto my principles: I am very well-aware, personally, that I will find some women very attractive that a relationship would just not work out with. And I've also found that as long as there is a basic level of attractiveness that part would work out fine for me, and can grow later. Thus, for me, I have one simple principle: I will choose the woman who is less attractive but more compatible with me over the woman who is more attractive but less compatible every time ... as long as I can see myself actually considering her attractive.

Your mileage, of course, may vary. And I don't proclaim to be an expert on relationships since I'm not exactly successful at that sort of thing. So, just my two cents based on observation.

[Innis Cabal]

I'm completely unable to understand what anyone feels without them telling me. That includes hatred, and interest as well. That makes me suspect everyone of being interested in me AND hating me.
Yes, I suck. I try to live with it. I pretty much fail at it. Thus, I'm turning to you guys.

Then the option is to ask them both in some way. If you got shot down...meh. Get on the horse and try again. If the answer is yes, well party for you.You won't have a clue if you don't try though.

[absolmorph]

Then the option is to ask them both in some way. If you got shot down...meh. Get on the horse and try again. If the answer is yes, well party for you.You won't have a clue if you don't try though.
This is my stance on the inability to assess interest. Of the 7 girls I've asked, I had no clue what 5 of them would say and only hints and inferred stuff from a sixth.
And if they say no, at least now you know they said no and won't have to wonder what they would have said if you asked.

[Lillith]

Alright so I'll ask my question here. But first! Background information! :smallbiggrin:

My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for just little over a year, but have known each other longer then that. He lives in the US, I live in Europe. We both have some anti social skills that makes it a bit difficult for us to communicate, but in general we're online a lot and therefore have a lot of options to talk to each other. We're pretty close, though we're neither the type to actually express our affections. It's not that bothersome really, it's just how we are.

Now the problem is this pretty much: I'm the kind of person that relaxes by talking (female genetics yay) he isn't that much. I found out together with my therapist that to relieve stress I talk and talk etc. But that it's a bit on the obsessive compulsive side, which I'm working at. This does however mean that I have this annoying habit of wanting to talk with my boyfriend all, the freaking, time. Which is a habit for me that's very hard to kick but I'm trying to work this out. Not working up till this point though...

So after finding that out, I came to the conclusion with my therapist that I do desire contact with my boyfriend, however he's not the talkative type. All fine and good, if we'd make it, this would only be a 2 year problem, since IRL we're good. And well my boyfriend does have stuff to do and can't always talk to me cause well, he's got a life.

We do set time away for each other, but when the talking stops I usually end up with a loss of what to do. Which is where the 'OCD' thing comes in. My therapist said I should find different ways to have contact with my boyfriend. But whoopie, we don't really have that much time outside of our talking time, so stuff like writing letters is not really going to be an option.

So here's the thing, I'm looking for new ways, besides talking and doing the occasional online game with each other, to have contact in my LDR. I just can't seem to come up with anything. So how do you guys deal with a LDR? How do you cope with the time you're apart? Or don't have a lot of time with each other? How do you keep contact outside of talking at least? Any other tips you guys can give me?
Also if anybody recognizes him/herself in my little 'OCD' problem and has tips on that GREAT. And yes I did try to talk that one out with my bf but it's the feeling that I'm trying to get rid off. But it is causing a rift between us.

If I didn't make any sense then ask away of course. I hope I outlined the problem well enough.

[Syka]

Oz and I would have TV shows that we'd watch 'together'. On commercial breaks we'd call each other to talk about it. Given you are on different continents, a better option might be to both rent the same movie or some such and Skype it together. We also would recommend movies to each other and talk about it afterwards.

I've found texting to be a nice substitute for phone calls, but I'm guessing that could be prohibitively expensive in your situation. Skyping a lot- not necessarily talking, but having Skype on as you each go about your daily routine could help.

Other than that...I just made sure we knew when we'd next be together. That helped me deal with the conversational lulls, and the hate of being separated.


My credentials on this? 3 year LDR (about 1000 miles) that ended for reasons other than distance, and a 15 month LDR (about 200 miles) that ended for the reason that it became just the R.

[Mauve Shirt]

I text Blace a lot. We actually don't do many activities outside of talking to each other via text, IM, skype, whatever. Syka's movie idea is a good one.

[Coidzor]

Ugh. People. Biting your head off for not knowing everything about them and asking what's up with them from ambiguous facebook statuses.

And then acting like facebook statuses are verboten to be commented on.

Edit: So, how does this sound?
I've been informed that I annoy all of you and that we're not actually friends in any form or fashion, and that I've even managed to earn the hate of some of you.

If this is so, please, by all means, don't feel obligated to keep me as a contact on here or anywhere else for that matter.

[DeadManSleeping]

I've been informed that I annoy all of you and that we're not actually friends in any form or fashion, and that I've even managed to earn the hate of some of you.

If this is so, please, by all means, don't feel obligated to keep me as a contact on here or anywhere else for that matter.

Heck, I say that to many of the people I know on a frequent basis. I mean, most people are just going to ignore it, but you might at least get some people to either try and bridge the gap or just cut ties.

[blackfox]

There's a website called Livestream where you can broadcast what's going on on your computer. If one of you guys has a lot of DVD's or, ah, otherwise acquired video files, you can play them for anyone who tunes into the channel.

Skype is your friend. Especially if for whatever reason you can't call/text each other.

I play a lot of multiplayer video games on Steam, which is nice because we can include/be sickening at other people as well.

No idea how much this helps, but, here's my 2c.

[Syka]

Dude, if they are being jerks and YOU don't want to know them, just delete them yourself. I periodically do a sweep of my FB and delete people I haven't spoken to in forever, just 'cause. At least you'd have a reason.

There isn't really a point to saying that to them, probably, though. Most people will be all "Oh, I didn't mean it that way!" etc etc.



ION, I definitely need this semester to be over. 3 more weeks. Thank God. I didn't realize until this weekend how much I miss Oz. Which is sad since I see him everyday. :smallsigh:

[Coidzor]

Dude, if they are being jerks and YOU don't want to know them, just delete them yourself. I periodically do a sweep of my FB and delete people I haven't spoken to in forever, just 'cause. At least you'd have a reason.

There isn't really a point to saying that to them, probably, though. Most people will be all "Oh, I didn't mean it that way!" etc etc.

It was formulated to be addressed to the others of the group who haven't spoken up, really.

I'm going to sit on it for now so I don't go and axe everyone by acting irrationally in my current upset emotional state.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Er...
um...

Well, I guess its not over just yet. Please, don't let it be over anytime soon...
I don't really want to say much, but I'm very, very lucky Trog took me back after my meltdown this morning. Incredibly so.
And I don't intend on ever repeating the activities that occurred today.

Edit: Coid, seriously, if they're not cool enough to say it to your face, and get angry because they're not being clear, I wouldn't even bother with 'em.

[Greensleeve]

Not really a regular around these parts, but I've lurked this thread sporadically.

I don't really have any relationship woes at the moment, but some quick background anyway: I recently moved to Dublin from Sweden after graduating high school and starting college here in Ireland.

Despite not really having any woes, I do want to drop in to say that Stephens comment about keeping in touch, even if it's just with friends, made me realise that I should message some friends back home and arrange a get together once I get home over Christmas. So thanks for reminding me. :smallsmile:

[Trog]

I don't really want to say much, but I'm very, very lucky Trog took me back after my meltdown this morning. Incredibly so.
I think I'm the lucky one, really. And I'm glad you took me back too. <3

[cdstephens]

Alright so I'll ask my question here. But first! Background information! :smallbiggrin:

My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for just little over a year, but have known each other longer then that. He lives in the US, I live in Europe. We both have some anti social skills that makes it a bit difficult for us to communicate, but in general we're online a lot and therefore have a lot of options to talk to each other. We're pretty close, though we're neither the type to actually express our affections. It's not that bothersome really, it's just how we are.

Now the problem is this pretty much: I'm the kind of person that relaxes by talking (female genetics yay) he isn't that much. I found out together with my therapist that to relieve stress I talk and talk etc. But that it's a bit on the obsessive compulsive side, which I'm working at. This does however mean that I have this annoying habit of wanting to talk with my boyfriend all, the freaking, time. Which is a habit for me that's very hard to kick but I'm trying to work this out. Not working up till this point though...

So after finding that out, I came to the conclusion with my therapist that I do desire contact with my boyfriend, however he's not the talkative type. All fine and good, if we'd make it, this would only be a 2 year problem, since IRL we're good. And well my boyfriend does have stuff to do and can't always talk to me cause well, he's got a life.

We do set time away for each other, but when the talking stops I usually end up with a loss of what to do. Which is where the 'OCD' thing comes in. My therapist said I should find different ways to have contact with my boyfriend. But whoopie, we don't really have that much time outside of our talking time, so stuff like writing letters is not really going to be an option.

So here's the thing, I'm looking for new ways, besides talking and doing the occasional online game with each other, to have contact in my LDR. I just can't seem to come up with anything. So how do you guys deal with a LDR? How do you cope with the time you're apart? Or don't have a lot of time with each other? How do you keep contact outside of talking at least? Any other tips you guys can give me?
Also if anybody recognizes him/herself in my little 'OCD' problem and has tips on that GREAT. And yes I did try to talk that one out with my bf but it's the feeling that I'm trying to get rid off. But it is causing a rift between us.

If I didn't make any sense then ask away of course. I hope I outlined the problem well enough.

Nothing screams sentimental like snail mail. Letters and the occasional gift or two "just cause" always help.

If you haven't already, you could schedule dates every week or whenever you want to do something together using Skype or some other program, like watch a movie together.

In fact, you could even have each other go to the same movie at a different theater at the same time. Sure it's not the same as being with him, but it's rather romantic imo.

I have kinda an OCD problem, too. I'd be a lot less worried if we were in an actual relationship, but it's gotten to the point where sometimes if I have nothing to do, I'll wait for this person who I have extremely strong feelings for to get online. My background is in the last thread, but basically we used to date, but distance made us break up fairly quickly (even though I wanted to continue).

[onthetown]

This isn't so much a woe as it is me needing to talk to somebody before I explode:

My boyfriend is very depressed over something (non-relationship-related) that happened in his life. He says he just wants to be alone and needs space, so I'm trying to give it to him, but we're two different people: he wants space when he's upset, I crave to be near him when either of us are upset. I'm just scared that if I do what he tells me to and to leave him alone to try to move past this for now, he'll not want me to come back to him or we just won't get close again. I know, it's foolish.

I can't bring this up to him right now, he has enough on his plate. We've talked about it before in other situations and he likely knows that I'm feeling this way right now. I don't blame him or anything for not wanting to be near me, I understand him wanting to be alone, I'm just sincerely worried about him and it bothers me that I can't be near him when he's this upset.

[absolmorph]

So, I worked out things with Annie.
She said she believes me about the other girl just being a friend and that she'd stop all the stuff with E.
I didn't ask her to do either, she just volunteered it.
So, that's taken care of. I'll have to see if E is still coming on Wednesday...

Also, Syka, her mom said her behavior with E seems like she was trying to make me jealous, too. But she said she wasn't trying to, and I'm inclined to trust her on this, so I guess it was just her not really thinking.

onthetown:
Give him space and time to be alone, but ask if you can spend some time with him, or even just talking to him. Don't ask for a lot of time; just enough that you get some comfort from it. And don't push for it. Respect his desire to have space and be alone.

[cdstephens]

This isn't so much a woe as it is me needing to talk to somebody before I explode:

My boyfriend is very depressed over something (non-relationship-related) that happened in his life. He says he just wants to be alone and needs space, so I'm trying to give it to him, but we're two different people: he wants space when he's upset, I crave to be near him when either of us are upset. I'm just scared that if I do what he tells me to and to leave him alone to try to move past this for now, he'll not want me to come back to him or we just won't get close again. I know, it's foolish.

I can't bring this up to him right now, he has enough on his plate. We've talked about it before in other situations and he likely knows that I'm feeling this way right now. I don't blame him or anything for not wanting to be near me, I understand him wanting to be alone, I'm just sincerely worried about him and it bothers me that I can't be near him when he's this upset.

Well I would just remind him that even if he wants to be alone, that if he ever needs you, you'll be right there. I know even if I needed to be alone that would make me feel a lot better.

[xPANCAKEx]

onthetown

unfortunately you have to sit back and tough it out

he needs time and space. If you impinge on that he'll resent you

your only choice is to wait it out and see how he feels after.

[Lillith]

I have kinda an OCD problem, too. I'd be a lot less worried if we were in an actual relationship, but it's gotten to the point where sometimes if I have nothing to do, I'll wait for this person who I have extremely strong feelings for to get online. My background is in the last thread, but basically we used to date, but distance made us break up fairly quickly (even though I wanted to continue).

Yeah, that's sort of my problem too. I sometimes think that I try to compensate the distance by wanting to talk to him. Constantly. So bad that I notice that if we're not talking, my brain starts to come up with 'what can we talk about?' or coming up with topics I know that interest him so he'll talk again. It's extremely annoying! It's like this constant nagging feeling and I really want to get rid of it because it's frustrating to both of us. He has a life too and can't always respond or talk to me and I know that, but that feeling is soooo freaking nagging. I sometimes remove myself from the computer when I notice the conversation has gone dead. For example when he went AFK for an hour (indicating he either left or is watching a movie) or just isn't responding (prolly playing a game). So I pick myself up, go away from my computer (after saying bye of course) and try to do something else. Nagging feeling still exists through the night though and sometimes I even go to sleep with it. I HATE IT! :smallmad:

Wow sorry I'm venting. ><

[Destro_Yersul]

Yeah, that's sort of my problem too. I sometimes think that I try to compensate the distance by wanting to talk to him. Constantly. So bad that I notice that if we're not talking, my brain starts to come up with 'what can we talk about?' or coming up with topics I know that interest him so he'll talk again. It's extremely annoying! It's like this constant nagging feeling and I really want to get rid of it because it's frustrating to both of us. He has a life too and can't always respond or talk to me and I know that, but that feeling is soooo freaking nagging. I sometimes remove myself from the computer when I notice the conversation has gone dead. For example when he went AFK for an hour (indicating he either left or is watching a movie) or just isn't responding (prolly playing a game). So I pick myself up, go away from my computer (after saying bye of course) and try to do something else. Nagging feeling still exists through the night though and sometimes I even go to sleep with it. I HATE IT! :smallmad:

Wow sorry I'm venting. ><

I had this in previous LDR. That one only went 6 months, I think, but yeah, it happened to me. Made me do stupid things, sometimes. Current one is better, partly because we have a lot in common as far as interests and whatnot go, and partly because we're very similar in the ways we express love. Both of us love talking to the other, and can go on and on and on about nothing in particular.

That said, Skype, as mentioned before, is a good option. E-mails are also possible. They don't take long to read or write, they're free, and you can send one from any computer. Really, the best solution is that if you don't have anything to say, don't try to say something. If something pops into your head that you want to say, go ahead and bring it up, or send an email if he's not online, or whatever. But don't try to force conversation, it won't work out very well.

[Lady Moreta]

So here's the thing, I'm looking for new ways, besides talking and doing the occasional online game with each other, to have contact in my LDR. I just can't seem to come up with anything. So how do you guys deal with a LDR? How do you cope with the time you're apart? Or don't have a lot of time with each other? How do you keep contact outside of talking at least? Any other tips you guys can give me?
Also if anybody recognizes him/herself in my little 'OCD' problem and has tips on that GREAT. And yes I did try to talk that one out with my bf but it's the feeling that I'm trying to get rid off. But it is causing a rift between us.

If I didn't make any sense then ask away of course. I hope I outlined the problem well enough.

Skype is fantastic... also, when you say you don't have time for letters - is it that you don't have the time to sit down and write one? Because there's no reason you can just write a little bit when you have time. And a letter doesn't have to be a huge missive. Send him a card every so often. Is there anything he likes from where you are that he can't get where he is? Send him a care package filled with bits and pieces. If you want to feel close, ask him to send you a top or something of his that he doesn't mind doing without. When you start missing him, you've got something of his. And you can send him something of yours in return.

I was in a long distance relationship for a year... then I got bored with it and moved over to be with him. Now we're married :smallsmile: but when we were in different countries, he sent me a jumper of his, I wore it when I missed him. It was really nice.

If you've got webcam capabilities try that. He might find it easier to talk if he can see your face.


Yeah, that's sort of my problem too. I sometimes think that I try to compensate the distance by wanting to talk to him. Constantly. So bad that I notice that if we're not talking, my brain starts to come up with 'what can we talk about?' or coming up with topics I know that interest him so he'll talk again. It's extremely annoying! It's like this constant nagging feeling and I really want to get rid of it because it's frustrating to both of us. He has a life too and can't always respond or talk to me and I know that, but that feeling is soooo freaking nagging. I sometimes remove myself from the computer when I notice the conversation has gone dead. For example when he went AFK for an hour (indicating he either left or is watching a movie) or just isn't responding (prolly playing a game). So I pick myself up, go away from my computer (after saying bye of course) and try to do something else. Nagging feeling still exists through the night though and sometimes I even go to sleep with it. I HATE IT! :smallmad:

Wow sorry I'm venting. ><

My husband was like that too - struggled to just chat sometimes. I used to do the same thing, felt like I had to carry the conversation and would go nuts trying to think up new things to say.

I finally learned to make sure I had other things to do while I talked with him. I was at uni when we were dating, so I usually had some uni work handy, or I was chatting with other people at the same time. Realise that it's okay if you both go silent for a while, it's not the end of the world.

I would say though, that if he's going to go afk or stop responding - ask him to let you know what he's doing. If he's going to play a game or watch a movie, ask him to tell you first so you know he's going to be busy for an hour or so and you can go off and do something else. Otherwise you'll just end up sitting there stressing and wondering. He should be able to let you know so you don't have to wonder what's going on.

[Eldritch Knight]

So, what does one do when you receive conflicting advice?

Two people I trust, who are both familiar with the situation with my now ex-fiancee, have given me the following pieces of advice:

First person: Wait and see.

Second Person: Even though she has said she wants nothing more to do with you, (not even friends) if you have bared your heart to her, and still love her as strongly as you ever did, then fight for it. Get in touch with her and press the issue. If you do nothing, then you've lost before you've started.


I am leaning to the advice of the first person for two reasons: First, He knows both her and myself, having been one of our professors at college for several years, and second, His advice is more in keeping with my experiential data.

In any case, she said she'd be sending some of my things back to me, so I am waiting at least until then before taking any other action.

I know my heart, I love her as strongly as I ever have, and it is as a result of her help and support that I am where I am, so even if it has come to an end, as all evidence seems to indicate, it was well worth the 5 years we had.

Right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

[arguskos]

So, what does one do when you receive conflicting advice?
You listen to the advice that logically works.


First person: Wait and see.
See, this makes some sense. Wait, let the situation develop, etc.


Second Person: Even though she has said she wants nothing more to do with you, (not even friends) if you have bared your heart to her, and still love her as strongly as you ever did, then fight for it. Get in touch with her and press the issue. If you do nothing, then you've lost before you've started.
This... really doesn't. Look, if she's been *that* vehement about the thing, you pressing the issue isn't going to change her mind. In fact, most people react to pressure by growing stronger in their convictions. Don't do this, really trust me, just don't do it.


I know my heart, I love her as strongly as I ever have, and it is as a result of her help and support that I am where I am, so even if it has come to an end, as all evidence seems to indicate, it was well worth the 5 years we had.

Right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.
Indeed. This is entirely correct. Sometimes, you have to just put it down, and walk away. You cannot make someone love you who doesn't, it's not going to happen. Walk away before you break yourself over it.

[Kuma Da]

Right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

True that.

Although, maybe it would be appropriate to mix and match the advice you're getting as you see fit. Ultimately, you're the one who's closest to your own experiences in the situation. You might not be sure what to do, but you have all the first-hand data.

It might be worth it--if you haven't already--to take some time and talk non-confrontationally about what happened with your ex-fiancee. I'm not recommending this as a solution, and it might not even be a good idea (if you're prone to fighting, or the break is still way too raw,) but understanding is a pretty good first step towards healing.

[Syka]

Eldritch, go with the first person. Seeing as she has been vehement in not even wanting to be friends, trying for romance again is just a Bad Idea.

Take it from the girl whose ex tried to speak with her again after a very blunt "Don't contact me ever again." I bet he was getting advice from the same second person you did.

It only firmed my resolve that he was not someone I wanted to know, because he really didn't respect my choices. (When asked why he hadn't listened, he said he didn't think I was serious).

If it's meant to be, it will be. Your pushing the issue now will NOT help that.

[onthetown]

I have been backing off and I tell him I'm here for him. He still comes online to talk to me, that's what's really confusing me. I asked him today if I could just go see him for an hour before supper, and it was just a flat-out, "No." He told me I could call him today, but he refused to pick up the phone and only just logged on to tell me that he did get the message. He acts like he needs me online, but as soon as I try to be there for him he just shoves me off. He threatened to break up with me yesterday because he didn't think I loved him -- I know that's just a part of the depression, but it's majorly confusing right after me saying that I want to be there for him.

So I'm kind of confused, and this is starting to take a turn toward my last abusive relationship. I guess I just have to wait out the depression.

It's just frustrating that I can't bring up how much he's stressing me out and his lack of explanation for basically anything. I've tried talking to him about relationship stuff when he was depressed before and the condescending lecture that follows (more or less, "You think you're stressed out?") doesn't make me want to try again.

[Lillith]

Onthetown: Yeah I can imagine how that is kind of confusing. I've had that kind of situations with my bf too. Though cause of our difference I can't actually visit him so it would usually end up with him going offline. What I do is that I don't pick up conversations with him if he's like that. If he picks up conversation, I'll let him lead the conversation. Pretty much let him have his way, if he wants contact then good. If not then okay too. Wait till he asks you to come by.

I know the fear of him getting distant and maybe eventually leave you, but if he really loves you and is just depressed it will go over. It's something he has to go through by himself and he'll probably think about you in his own way. Just give him space.

[onthetown]

Onthetown: Yeah I can imagine how that is kind of confusing. I've had that kind of situations with my bf too. Though cause of our difference I can't actually visit him so it would usually end up with him going offline. What I do is that I don't pick up conversations with him if he's like that. If he picks up conversation, I'll let him lead the conversation. Pretty much let him have his way, if he wants contact then good. If not then okay too. Wait till he asks you to come by.

I know the fear of him getting distant and maybe eventually leave you, but if he really loves you and is just depressed it will go over. It's something he has to go through by himself and he'll probably think about you in his own way. Just give him space.

Yeah, problem is he never asks me to come by. He's probably content to have the entire relationship just on AIM for the rest of our lives. I'm always the one that has to ask when we're hanging out again.

Still, I'm not asking after it right now. Just sort of letting him sit around on AIM and trying not to pull my hair out.

[DeadManSleeping]

Yeah, problem is he never asks me to come by. He's probably content to have the entire relationship just on AIM for the rest of our lives. I'm always the one that has to ask when we're hanging out again.

Still, I'm not asking after it right now. Just sort of letting him sit around on AIM and trying not to pull my hair out.

I think you're at the stage where you have to demand him to ask to hang out. Yes, be willing to give The Ultimatum. If he refuses, and he won't give you a good reason, then he's just not invested enough in the relationship for it to work between you two, and you'd better get out before you get hurt even worse.

Of course, you should give him a chance to explain. Don't attribute to character what you can attribute to circumstance.

[onthetown]

I think you're at the stage where you have to demand him to ask to hang out. Yes, be willing to give The Ultimatum. If he refuses, and he won't give you a good reason, then he's just not invested enough in the relationship for it to work between you two, and you'd better get out before you get hurt even worse.

Of course, you should give him a chance to explain. Don't attribute to character what you can attribute to circumstance.

We've been best friends for 5 years, just started going out in the spring. I'm sure it just has to do with this depression right now, but once he's feeling better I'll get on his back about that. As much as I love him, I don't want to waste another 3 years of my life in a relationship like my previous ones.

Edit: I just tried to talk to him about whether or not he needs me right now, because the way he's going back and forth online is just completely confusing and I don't know what to do if I don't ask, and I got exactly what I thought I would get: I'm having a bad time of things, I'm screwed up right now, leave me alone. I don't expect him to suddenly act all happy and try to solve my emotional issues, but it would have been nice if he had said it in a way that felt slightly less like, "My problems are more important than how you feel so don't question me."
Editedit: And it resolves with him finally, solidly telling me to stay away. Hopefully I will be significantly less puzzled from here on out.

[xPANCAKEx]

onthetown

as much as i understand you're trying to be there for him, you have to also consider whats in your best interests. If what he brings to the table in the relationship isnt enough to meet your own needs then call it off. Its not something to feel guilty over and youre not abandonning him. You've tried, hes not receptive to help. Nagging him wont resolve that. A break (if only a temporary one) should give him all the space he needs. If he decides he WANTS you to be part of his life he has to do it on terms that are a bit more accomadating to your needs as well - relationships are a two way thing, even at the harshest of time.

[cdstephens]

Right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

I wish this just wasn't true, but egh. :smallfrown:

[Pocketa]

Last January, I posted my picture on a site (4chan). Someone saw it, posted that they recognized me, I dared them to release my first name then.

Derp, they did. But only that.

I asked who they were, they wouldn't tell me but they gave me a clue in the form of a code. I followed a string of codes around my school but stopped when I couldn't solve a code referencing to an obscure game and I ended up losing the codes and never solving the mystery.

Should I attempt to?

What I know:


It's a guy.
He is in my grade.
He took a certain class last year that only 60 students took.
He can draw.
He reads books by a certain author.
He posts on 4chan and on a certain board (not /b/).
He goes to my school.
He isn't actually creepy, he just wanted to give me something to do.


Or, should I just leave it? I haven't thought about it in a while, but the reward was going to be tickets to the prom and seeing as I still have senior prom left...

[Serpentine]

Sounds great fun to me! What were the clues?

[Coidzor]

Or, should I just leave it? I haven't thought about it in a while, but the reward was going to be tickets to the prom and seeing as I still have senior prom left...

How can you even attempt to try again if you lost all the work you had already done? :smallconfused:

[Lillith]

Eh... I find it kind of fishy to be honest. Honestly if he likes you then he should just come out and talk to you, not sending you on a wild goose chase. If I were you I should just forget about it and move on. Find someone who does have the courage to meet you face to face and doesn't act like a freakish Riddler. It's his loss. This sounds more like he wants to have some sort of power over you by letting you run around and become obsessed about him. Not a healthy start for a friendship.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Eh... I find it kind of fishy to be honest. Honestly if he likes you then he should just come out and talk to you, not sending you on a wild goose chase. If I were you I should just forget about it and move on. Find someone who does have the courage to meet you face to face and doesn't act like a freakish Riddler. It's his loss. This sounds more like he wants to have some sort of power over you by letting you run around and become obsessed about him. Not a healthy start for a friendship.

I agree with the "kinda fishy" thing. Did he come up with the idea for the game, or did you? Being reluctant to reveal who you are is not a positive sign. Even if he said it's just "so you have something to do"...people don't...do that. I mean, thinking up elaborate clues to keep someone from finding out who you are, using obscure things?

[Serpentine]

Someones didn't like Amelie :smallamused:
Sounds like fun, to me. I'd be quite happy if someone did something like that for me, albiet with potential awkardness if s/he was doing it with romantic intentions and then it turned out I wasn't the least bit attracted to them. I don't think it really sounded like it was necessarily romantic, though... Just silliness.
edit: Depends whether the "tickets to prom" reward was in the sense of "I'll give you these tickets" or "I will invite you to go as my date". The information given is uncertain, and even if certain may still be ambiguous if he's just doing a sneaky, convoluted way of asking her to the prom. In that case, again, I think it's pretty snazzy, although quite risky on his end if he goes to all that effort and then it turns out she's not interested.
Still. Not fishy.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Someones didn't like Amelie :smallamused:

Someone works off personal experience and the experiences of those he knows instead of watching moves. :smalltongue:

Oh, and there's the whole "10 months ago" thing, anyway. *shrugs*

[Serpentine]

True, but the fact that he didn't bug her about it suggests against the "fishy creepy liking you" thing, and supports the "thought it would be fun" thing. Either way, it boils down to, would you find this entertaining to do Pocketa?

[Coidzor]

Or was trolling her for some amusement and has since forgotten about it. Can't really spin possible scenarios beyond that without additional data, I think.

But, yeah, the most important thing is whether you would find this worthwhile and enjoyable in and of itself, accepting that it could just be a wild goose chase or lead to something or someone you did not want to find. But you've already taken those two into account, I'm sure. So, yeah.

[Moonshadow]

Right now, I don't know if I'm going to be able to work things out with my ex and fix problems and get back together with her. This really hurts.

What hurts even more is that she still wants me to stay in her life even if we can't things, and I know in my heart that doing so will hurt me so so much.


But if I have to never talk to her again for my sake, it will be like someone cuts me open, pours jagged, broken glass inside me, then sews me back up again.

I don't know if I can live with myself if I do that to her :smallfrown: I fear that I will end up doing something stupid to myself if that happens.


But right now, I just can't deal with the stress this situation is causing me. I'm having nausea, and I'm starting to get headaches, and honestly, I'm really scared for myself if the stress keeps building. Really scared :smallfrown:

[rakkoon]

*hugs* Naoto. Let time pass as you say yourself. How about a break of seeing her for three months or so? That would let you calm down a but and give you a fresh look at the situation?

[Aedilred]

From my experience, I think three months is too long- at least if you're not the one in control of when you meet up again. When my ex left me, a break of two or three months was suggested; I thought at the time it was too long but went along with it because I thought it would be stupid to argue. I tore myself apart over it for the whole of the time I wasn't seeing her and even now haven't really made any emotional progress. For her part, it seems that time was just about long enough to get used to not having me around, but not enough to get rid of all the feelings and the awkwardness that results from them. We still get on really well, but we never see each other- I don't want to be hassling her for obvious reasons, but she never takes the initiative to see me even after she's already accepted open invitations from me to meet up. I've left it for three weeks to see what would happen and have heard nothing directly- I'm seriously wondering whether, should I continue with my non-contact policy, I'll ever actually see her again. This is not what I wanted, and I don't think it's really what she wanted either.

I would advise a break, though, because time numbs the pain a bit and allows you to process things a bit more rationally. I found three months to be too long for me, but every relationship (and so every breakup) is different so it might work out for you. I'd suggest taking a month of not seeing or contacting her first, though, and see where you are at the end of that- you can always extend it. It might be an idea to tell her you're taking a break to sort your head out though (you don't have to specify how long) so that she doesn't feel you're ignoring her out of spite.

[Ego Slayer]

Not really a problem, just blahhhh...

*hits head on desk repeatedly* God do I suddenly kinda wish I was in any position to put myself out there for dating... cos it took me damn forever but I finally found the most attractive guy at my school. And he's actually Russian, which makes him about six times more awesome. Wish I ever saw him around school at all :x ... The only times have been at the International Students club that my brother participates in so because we drive in to school together I had to go to one of the meetings today... The last time I was at one he still had longish hair, which was pretty cute... well, its short now and oddly enough about a million times more attractive. JSERIUSHEKIRUBAJWRB!!! Do. Want. ARGH. Why do I have to be so socially inept.

Eh... don't really need advice... just complaining. :smallsigh:

[Coidzor]

Ego: So why can't you go out and date?

[Ego Slayer]

Ego: So why can't you go out and date?
Because I have zero confidence and people scare the **** out of me. Can't get a damn sentence out without sounding like an idiot. I'm already so stressed to the point of barely functioning, I can't deal with anything else. :smallsigh:

[Coidzor]

Because I have zero confidence and people scare the **** out of me. Can't get a damn sentence out without sounding like an idiot. I'm already so stressed to the point of barely functioning, I can't deal with anything else. :smallsigh:

Hmm. Have you investigated counseling for all of this? :/

[Ego Slayer]

Hmm. Have you investigated counseling for all of this? :/
No. Probably should. I just don't know if I care enough. I mean, it doesn't really SHOW, but its just so much anxiety. I can talk so easily and openly with people online (actual voice chat). I'm a normal damn human being in that respect in that situation, but put me around physical people and its just stress. I feel awkward and unattractive and I want to punch something anytime I stumble over words. Nothing feels natural because I get so focused on my own physical actions or words. It's like I'm simultaneously socially okay on the outside and a train wreck on the inside. I still don't really have friends solely offline much still, let alone ever attempt intelligent conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Speaking up in class makes my heart race a mile a minute...

Plus I'm just damn afraid. The first think I think of when I hear "relationship" is pure f'ing stress and worry and stuff like that.

/f'ing pathetic

[Coidzor]

No. Probably should. I just don't know if I care enough. I mean, it doesn't really SHOW, but its just so much anxiety. I can talk so easily and openly with people online (actual voice chat). I'm a normal damn human being in that respect in that situation, but put me around physical people and its just stress. I feel awkward and unattractive and I want to punch something anytime I stumble over words. Nothing feels natural because I get so focused on my own physical actions or words. It's like I'm simultaneously socially okay on the outside and a train wreck on the inside. I still don't really have friends solely offline much still, let alone ever attempt intelligent conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Speaking up in class makes my heart race a mile a minute...

Plus I'm just damn afraid. The first think I think of when I hear "relationship" is pure f'ing stress and worry and stuff like that.

/f'ing pathetic

If you're suffering anxiety from it, I can't urge you strongly enough to look into treatment. If you care enough to call yourself pathetic and build up bad feelings in yourself against yourself, then you should care enough to want to change how things are. It's scary and difficult, and I'm nowhere near as good at dealing with this as some of the members of the depression thread, even... but it is possible to win and get on with your life so you can feel a lover's caress rather than having to settle for voice-chat stimulation.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Ego

Yeah, seems to me you simply need confidence in yourself. Well, no, that's no *simply*, because there's no such thing as a *simple* problem, but it's not too hard to "fix". Counselling could be a solution, but it isn't a fix-all. However, it won't hurt, so you might want to give it a try. That, or, do the "hot songbird" treatment: immerse yourself in as much social things as you can. It's... so hard at the first, but it's like the opposite of cold turkey. It worked for me, but it's not for everyone.

Just my 2c

[Syka]

Feeling a meltdown trying to come on again (same reasons as before; not romantically linked). Slightly different, though. At least I was panic-free for most of the month. :) In about two weeks, it'll allll be over.

Keeping looking toward the light and hope it's not a bug zapper...

I also learned that by simply calling Boyfriend and actually sharing how I'm feeling, rather than panicking in private, helps ward of said panicking.

I think I'll just stick to working retail. It's, sadly, far less stressful.

[Helanna]

No. Probably should. I just don't know if I care enough. I mean, it doesn't really SHOW, but its just so much anxiety. I can talk so easily and openly with people online (actual voice chat). I'm a normal damn human being in that respect in that situation, but put me around physical people and its just stress. I feel awkward and unattractive and I want to punch something anytime I stumble over words. Nothing feels natural because I get so focused on my own physical actions or words. It's like I'm simultaneously socially okay on the outside and a train wreck on the inside. I still don't really have friends solely offline much still, let alone ever attempt intelligent conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Speaking up in class makes my heart race a mile a minute...

Plus I'm just damn afraid. The first think I think of when I hear "relationship" is pure f'ing stress and worry and stuff like that.

/f'ing pathetic

Well, if nothing else, you're not alone. I've consigned myself to just never having a romantic relationship because I just really can't imagine myself ever getting close enough to someone to be at all comfortable with it. I'm actually pretty okay with that - I really don't want to be in a relationship - but if you do, I also would advise getting some help for it, some type of counseling or therapy.

Although Gwyn's suggestion of just throwing yourself into social activities might also work - practice makes perfect and all. Try choosing a venue where you won't be interacting with anyone you'll see on a regular basis, and just remember that if you mess up, nobody'll really mind, and you don't have to see these people again if you don't want to anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

[Aiani]

I lurk this thread a lot but I think I need to vent a bit tonight. This isn't even about my own relationship. I have a friend who seems to go out with the worst men possible.

Tonight (we're at work now) she has been complainging to me about her BF and the way that he talks to other women. He has a lot of female friends on Facebook and the things they say to each other seem very suggestive. For example one girl asked him if he liked the new body she's working on, and he said that there was nothing wrong with her old one but the way she looks now makes him fantasize. There are plenty more along the same lines.

The thing is I've heard this same complaint before and I honestly don't know why she puts up with him. Worse than that is that he puts her down. He once told her that she was gaining weight. Another time he told her that a meal she cooked for him tasted like she put a half effort into it. Who tells their girlfriend things like that? The saddest thing of all is that he still manages to be better than her ex who was very physically abusive.

I'm just a bit frustrated at the moment. I just try to listen to her when she's upset and I give what advice I can but I feel that I have to be cautious. I know that I can't say anything too negative about the guy because they are still together and she probably wouldn't appreciate it if I talk about him badly. I wish so much that she would seek some counseling and I've suggested it but so far she hasn't gone for it. I think she has extremely low self esteem. I don't know why but that seems to be the case. Anyway I just needed to vent a little bit. I hope that wasn't too full of rambling.

[Cobra_Ikari]

*hugs*

It is always difficult watching friends in abusive relationships and trying to help them look out for themselves. I'm sorry, but that's something I don't know what to do about, either. =\

*hugs more*

[Zeb The Troll]

*snip*He's Russian? I have a phrase for you to learn.

oo tehbYA hoROsheeyeh VOHluhsee

It looks like this...

у тебя хорошие волосы

:smallsmile:

Also, I second the notion of putting yourself into moderately social situations in order to just get practice being more social than you are now. I wasn't always the social butterfly I am now. :smalltongue:

Start small, though. Maybe something like a book club or something. Nothing too overwhelming.

[Pocketa]

Oh, so okay, important details I forgot.

1. It was mutual. Conversation went semi like this:

me: *post pic*
him: oh, I know you, OP.
me: nah, then post my real name.
him: first name is ****, dox are stupid!
me: totally. but who are you?
him: I'd rather not say.
me: plz?
him: no, sorry.
me: my pic was a clue to my identity, lemme see a clue to yours.
him: fine. here's a clue, if you solve it, you can see me there tomorrow.

Code:

8085: C]---->((( L THU

8085 > BOBS > BuildON Bake Sale
C]---->((( > physical directions from one building to the next.

I went.
He wasn't there until the end, by which time I'd left. I took a photo of the bake sale (no faces) as a sign I'd been.

He left a code on the site. It led to a locker. The locker had a hanging doll in it. The doll was origami and unfolded, there was a note. The note led to a book. The book had a crane. The crane led to another book. The note there led to another locker. The locker led to a tin under a bush. The bush's note led to a note on the underside of a table. And somewhere after that, the codes were less easily figured out and made obscure video game references.

The prom tickets were jokingly offered, not a date, but the tickets themselves, or a yearbook, or something like that.

I'd post the notes, but to be fair, some could find them objectional. I still have some scans, you see. The objectional content is violence and reference to controversial media.

There was a miniplot. The notes were suppposed to have been left as a trail of clues leading to a murderer. I know it's really creepy, but my school has a lot of people that are into ARG's. Plus, my school is split into subschools, and the arts subschool encourages darker art.

Also, it wasn't supposed to make me obsessive. He could've posted his identity since then, but I've been banned from 4chan (ban evasion, apparently, because I had mentioned I'd been unbanned, and the original ban had been from posting too fast so they thought I was a bot).

Plus, e-cred=fun things. A lot of my friends make scavenger hunt/treasure hunts for me to follow.

[Lillith]

I asked a friend of mine who knows 4Chan pretty well. She said you wouldn't be the first one who got send on a chase like that and that a lot of 4Chan'ers actually do that to pass time. She also said he prolly is in your class else he wouldn't be able to provide clues but that you shouldn't take it serious and that he has probably forgotten about it by now. They only do it to troll people and gain some amusement while they let someone run around.

Just thought I should let you know.

[Lioness]

So...a professional relationship problem. In short, I stuffed up badly, and I don't know how to get out of it with grace.

I've been at my current job for 2 years now. In that time, I've been a pretty reliable employee. I turn up to all my shifts, often cover other people's, and have called in sick maybe three times.
A few days ago, a friend posted that her work was looking for some casual photographers to work on a weekend in December. I applied for it, because I thought it would be in December, which gives me plenty of time to organise time off work.
Person emailed me back, saying could I please come in friday night to do training...I said "I have work, but if there's no other time available, I can get time off"
I organised a shift swap, which was all good, so emailed the person back saying I could come in. Then person I'd swapped with messaged me back...she'd thought I meant next friday rather than this one. She can't swap. I frantically message lots of other people to see whether they can swap...no replies yet.
In the meantime, prospective employer and I have been exchanging what place, time, what to wear, etc. I'm pretty much in.

So if I can't get someone to swap my shift, I don't know what I can reasonably do. Pulling out of the photography thing at this stage will probably lose me the work, whereas not turning up for my shift probably won't lose me the job. But I can't just not turn up...
My only realistic option is calling in sick. As I'm a casual employee, I can do so without proof of a doctor's certificate. However, because I've already asked for the time off, they'll want to see one. I have a sore throat, and I can probably go to the doctor and get one. But that feels...cheating. And dishonest. And it is, but I don't really know what better alternative there is if I can't find anyone to swap.

What would be the best thing to do?

EDIT: I talked to the all-knowing mother of doom, and after discussing it with her, have email prospective employer and told her about the confusion regarding shift swapping problems...Waiting to hear back.

[Serpentine]

That's what I would've suggested. You already said you might not be able to make it, so they should be understanding. Stress that you're really interested, but that your current job is your first priority, and you're happy to make other arrangements.

[Heliomance]

So I says she hates me. Why? Because I'm too nice and sweet, apparently, and it makes her think things she doesn't want to think, like thinking it would be nice to love me and spend the rest of her life with me. And she knows it's far too early to be thinking things like that, but she can't stop.

^^ I'm happy ^^

[Trog]

Ego:
Well you talk to a lot of people online and you say you're fine with voice chat but not in person and don't have a lot of friends to hang out with. Maybe try video chat? If the opposite sex is scary and all maybe try chatting with females first? If video chat scares you try voice chat in front of a mirror when you can practice watching yourself and getting comfortable with that until you feel up to video. Sort of wade into it? Just an idea.

As to the feelings of unattractiveness can I point you to the You thread for Ego ego therapy. :smalltongue: But seriously you should have no problem with that from other's point of view. Finding someone to be with who also finds you attractive is one of the best medicines I know of for healing low self esteem. I know all too well it's easy to feel unattractive. You have the looks, you just need some confidence. Remember the note that one guy in the library dropped off for you? Yeah. See? You were probably just going about your day and the dude still thought you were attractive even though you weren't trying to do anything. Looks are there. Confidence comes in time. And with some practice and faith in yourself that you can do it.

I'm saying all this because... well first because I'm your Uncle Trog. Second because, honestly, I really empathize with you because you can remind me a lot of me sometimes. (*Cue Ego screaming "OH NUUUUU!!" D8 somewhere off in Egoland right about now* >> ) Er... minus the reindeer ears. No, but seriously you do. And I always have this urge to cheer you up and cheer you on which is why I make silly remarks in your FB from time to time. Seriously, you're an awesome person and YOU CAN DOOO EEEEEEEET!

Go nab that Russian dude! *hands Ego a nabbing sack* Stuff him in there. Stuff him in there and haul him away. :smallbiggrin: If that don't work (or if they don't allow nabbing sacks) just walk up to him, grab his hand, and go "Me Hermione. You Viktor Krumm. We date now." And haul him off to buy you lunch.

Final note: "Pretending" to be sexy makes one sexy. Thinking one is sexy builds confidence. Just pretend. Pretend when you are walking somewhere. Tell yourself that every male/female/unfixed animal thinks you're hot and wants you. Make eyes at everyone like you have a coy secret and smile at them. See how it effects people as you pass. You don't have to stop to interact with /any/ of them, but you will start to notice people's reactions. You can build up your comfort level that way.

Anyway I feel like I rambled there. Hope this helps some and isn't just a big, rambly mess. >>

*points* Nabbing sack. Use it!

[DeadManSleeping]

@Ego
Ah, I remember the days when I was so incredibly socially awkward that I had no friends. The only person who really hung out with me in Freshman year of U basically did so because there was nobody else for her to hang out with.

Years later, plenty of people consider me a good enough friend to invite to those events that only good friends get invited to. Since my method is proven effective, I will share it with you.

Gwyn shared one of the central tenets above with his "hot songbird" method. However, that's hardly enough instruction on properly acclimating yourself to human interaction. If you have problems approaching people (even well-socialized people do, to say nothing of those who have extra troubles), then you're not going to be able to throw yourself into social situations easily.

There's a very easy trick to getting yourself into human interaction: you have to find interactions to which you need no invitation. Your brother's club is an excellent one, so try going to that. Also try finding other clubs/associations in your area that you can join. It's best if they're associated around something that you're interested in (because then you'll want to go more), but something is better than nothing.

Now, if you're anything like you say you are, you'll end up just sitting in the corner not talking to anybody. That's okay. If you're actually participating in whatever the activity is, people will inevitably start conversations with you (especially given how attractive you are. Attractiveness applies to non-romantic situations more than you'd think!). Likely, this will be scary and awkward for you. That's fine. Just don't let it stop you from coming. People will keep talking to you as long as you don't lash out at them too much.

Eventually, people won't seem as scary anymore, just because you're forced to interact with them so frequently. Humans are really adaptive. You'll begin to form mental rotes and shortcuts based around social interaction just from having to do it so often. It's sort of a social version of muscle memory.

As a disclaimer, this method is NOT fast. It took a minimum of two years before I was a remotely enjoyable person to be around (I'd say I still wasn't, but that goes against objective evidence). You'll still be considered kind of shy and quiet even after all is said and done. You'll probably even still have problems approaching new people. But it's worth all that work just for that one tenth of a percent of the time that you'll be able to actually work up the nerve to do it. And, hey, you might get way more than that.

As a further disclaimer, the group I ended up sticking with was an acting group. We had actual training on being social and personable. I'd recommend finding an improv/acting group in your own area that doesn't require auditions, but if you're shy, it might be too much for you to handle. I can't guarantee that your results will be as effective as mine were if you don't go with acting.

I hope nothing I said sounds like I'm insulting you or anything. I'm just trying to guess how you regularly interact with people based on what you said. I could be entirely wrong.

And do feel free to PM me if you have other questions about this or something. I have not only my own experience, but the experience of watching many other people go from shy to fly. It's really possible for anyone!

[xPANCAKEx]

Aiani

shes not going to take any of your 'advice' seriously now if shes never done so before. I wouldn't take this personally, theres a lot of people who seek 'advice' when really they just want to vent and a shoulder to cry on. If she wants to stick at it with him then next time she complains, remind her she knows what hes like, and that hes not going to change. Dont get drawn into a discussion with her as you'll just be wasting your own breathe.Iits not abandoning your friend - its sticking up for yourself. Its unfair of her to keep dumping on you when she doesn intent to change a thing about her current circumstance.

But if you're comfortable being the shoulder to cry on, then stop offering the advice, just listen and comfort instead. It does really seem to be an either/or situation in your case im afraid. If she out right asks "so what should i do?" then ask her first if she actually wants to do something about it.

[Destro_Yersul]

Final note: "Pretending" to be sexy makes one sexy. Thinking one is sexy builds confidence.

Just want to add, this is truth. I am not a confident person. Not at all. So I decided I'd act like a cocky, confident sonuva. I make jokes about how attractive and awesome I am. Usually I add 'and also modest and humble' to the end, just for fun. Know what? I'm more confident now.

[Ego Slayer]

Thanks for the responses and stuff guys...
I'll have to think about some of these things.
Especially Trog... made me smile. :smallsmile:


He's Russian? I have a phrase for you to learn.

oo tehbYA hoROsheeyeh VOHluhsee

It looks like this...

у тебя хорошие волосы

I sure hope you're not tricking me into saying "your mother is a goat" or something. :smallwink:

[DeadManSleeping]

I sure hope you're not tricking me into saying "your mother is a goat" or something. :smallwink:

I believe it glosses to "you have nice hair", but online translators are really hard to work with.

And I can't read Cyrillic, so it's entirely possible that Zeb expected the use of a translator and gave Cyrillic that didn't correspond to the pronunciation. That would be a very sneaky way of doing it.

Try it anyway. No matter what, you'll have something to talk about!

[absolmorph]

Google Translate can give the pronunciation, and says Zeb gave the right one and it does, in fact, mean "You have nice hair".

[Ego Slayer]

I see that turning into an awkward and embarrassing situation. xD I'm lucky I can speak coherent English. :smalltongue:

[Coidzor]

So tell him in English then. :smallwink:

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Although Gwyn's suggestion of just throwing yourself into social activities might also work - practice makes perfect and all..

Again, while it worked for me, and it seems a bunch of other people are backing me up on this, it miiiight be too much for you, depending on your mental state and such. I don't know you toooo well, so that's why I'm being cautious like this. I've known people who, when they tried this, they just couldn't handle the pressure well. Then again, they really couldn't handle any pressure well, of any kind, so YMMV.

Edit: Also, remember the whole "people will talk to you cause you're cute" thing? Just look at how many people are responding to you here. Can you guess why? Point in case. :smallbiggrin:

[Coidzor]

Edit: Also, remember the whole "people will talk to you cause you're cute" thing? Just look at how many people are responding to you here. Can you guess why? Point in case. :smallbiggrin:

Yeah, pretty much.

[Moonshadow]

How exactly does one define a casual relationship as opposed to a serious one? Would a casual relationship be, if you boiled it down to the bare bones of the matter, just friends-with-benefits for all intents and purposes, seeing as casual by its very nature would imply a lack of any sort of planning for the future?

[DeadManSleeping]

Do you take it seriously? Then it's serious :smalltongue:

Seriously, the whole term "casual relationship" is bullschlock. All it means is that the person who wants it defined as such is simply trying to act like they don't have significant emotional investment in the relationship, whether they do or not. It has little to do with how much the two actually care about each other.

And you can certainly have a "casual" relationship without anything sexual involved.

[Moonshadow]

What if one person wants things to be serious, and the other person doesn't yet know what they want? I can't resolve this issue with my former partner until I understand it better.

[DeadManSleeping]

Then you've got one person who wants to be in a relationship and isn't scared of what that means, and one person who is scared.

Honestly, you don't lose anything by saying your relationship is "serious" other than your own feeling of security and stuff. It's not like your partner will be less hurt if you break off or cheat in a "casual" relationship.

Yes, I am tired of people hurting themselves and each other because they throw around ambiguous words without knowing what they really mean. Stop it. Now. I mean all of you.

[Moonshadow]

Thats why I asked for clarification. That's generally what you do when you don't understand something and want to change that. I'm just trying to sort things out in my head, and I can't use something to justify a decision if I don't know what it means.

[DeadManSleeping]

If you want real clarification, you ask the person who was silly enough to call it a "casual" relationship.

As a disclaimer, you're pretty much required to call any relationship "casual" if you've had less than three dates. That's just how things are. After that, you need to start asking.

[xPANCAKEx]

i'd disagree

a casual relationship can mean just that: its casual. There is no obligation in the situation, no neccessity to see each other, nor neccessarily 'loyalty' that you'd expect in a "normal" relationship. You arnt as "tied down" as with a normal relationship... hence: its casual

[DeadManSleeping]

Aye, it's a great theory, but I've yet to see that live itself out as an actuality. Breaking off a "casual" relationship seems to have the exact range of results as breaking off a "committed" relationship.

[cdstephens]

Right now, I don't know if I'm going to be able to work things out with my ex and fix problems and get back together with her. This really hurts.

What hurts even more is that she still wants me to stay in her life even if we can't things, and I know in my heart that doing so will hurt me so so much.


But if I have to never talk to her again for my sake, it will be like someone cuts me open, pours jagged, broken glass inside me, then sews me back up again.

I don't know if I can live with myself if I do that to her :smallfrown: I fear that I will end up doing something stupid to myself if that happens.


But right now, I just can't deal with the stress this situation is causing me. I'm having nausea, and I'm starting to get headaches, and honestly, I'm really scared for myself if the stress keeps building. Really scared :smallfrown:

Why would doing so hurt so much?

I had a somewhat similar situation with my old gf after we broke up and I still had feelings for her 3 months later; I either could have cut off from her, or explained my feelings to her.

I did the latter, and even though the feelings weren't reciprocated, she said that she wouldn't start ignoring me because she thought that would just be cruel. For some reason we're closer than ever, even though I wish I was in a relationship with her. But ultimately it's better, because I was in a bad place before I talked to her, and now I'm not sad anymore.

If it's important, if it's hurting you, and it concerns her, she deserves to know about it. Keeping it bottled inside won't help.

[xPANCAKEx]

Aye, it's a great theory, but I've yet to see that live itself out as an actuality. Breaking off a "casual" relationship seems to have the exact range of results as breaking off a "committed" relationship.

speaking as someone who has been in a few casual relationships, i can say its far from a theory. Sure there are a few out there (well, more than a few) where one half wants something casual and the other doesnt but goes along with it anyway and inevitably gets bent out of shape when the former of the two finds someone else they DO want to be serious with, but thats why being honest with yourself and the other person about the extent and intent of your feelings is essential

cant manage that? steer clear of anything intended to be casual

[Zeb The Troll]

I sure hope you're not tricking me into saying "your mother is a goat" or something. :smallwink:I'm appalled at the notion that I might sabotage someone in this thread like that. Appalled I say! :smallcool:


Google Translate can give the pronunciation, and says Zeb gave the right one and it does, in fact, mean "You have nice hair".There are also a few Russians on these forums that can validate my claim. Don Julio for one, and I suppose Rubakhin, but I've not seen him here in a great long while.

[DeadManSleeping]

I'm appalled at the notion that I might sabotage someone in this thread like that. Appalled I say! :smallcool:

*cough*emphasis mine

[Goosefeather]

Here's a good one for y'all. So, I’m not entirely sober and I want to express myself. Express myself for me, later, and for whoever wants to look back on this moment in my life and judge me. Tonight. Tonight wasn’t much on the grand scale of things, but listen to the background details, it gets better... So I’m an Erasmus student, spending four or so months in France, before moving on to Spain. I’ve made a lot of friends here, among which are various Spanish girls, among which is one, called A. I like A. She’s got the right attitude, she’s artistic, she has imagination, she’s creative and funny and charming and beautiful. We’ve made out a couple of times. But, continuing it further, given that I’m only here for 6 weeks more, it wouldn’t make sense. At least, that was the reason I gave myself for our mutual ‘is-it-isn’t-it’ drunken activity. Today, I learnt that she has an STD. It made me think. It made me think various things, different, contradictory, I don’t know. She’s A. I like her. She’s ... She’s led a life far more interesting than mine. We’ve talked on philosophical, life issues, and she takes a position more advanced, ‘older’ than mine. Now I feel I know why. It comes down to sex. There it is. Her life has been active, fun, full of sex. There are downsides, obviously. But I can’t help but feel irrational tinges of jealousy. I’m not likely to catch an STD. I’m not likely to, but for reasons that I don’t like – I can't do sex. I can make friends with girls just like that, I can do one-night stands, but my only real girlfriend was a crazy stalker and my sexual relationships are nothing to speak of. The point is, a couple of weeks ago, before making out with A, I was very drunk. I was very drunk and I slept with an English girl, B. Three or four weeks ago. Everything with A happened after. However, today. Today I learnt that A has a fairly serious STD. I acted as normal. I didn’t know what to say, but words speak louder than actions and we went to the clinic together for her regular vaccinations. It was my way of saying ‘ok, I don’t judge you.’ But. It did upset me. For weird reasons. I don’t expect a girl I like to be a virgin, of course not, but for her to have so much experience in life, and me so little... And obviously this affects the way I think about her. I don’t want it to, but it does. I’m weirdly jealous. There’s no way it can’t affect me. We got drunk tonight. There was a party. I saw B, the girl from weeks ago, for the first time in ages. We spoke, we were drunk, we made out. I don’t know when, I don’t know who saw, I don’t know if A had already left or not. But I was drunk, and I wanted, needed, to express myself, to prove myself. I can’t do girls. A can do all this. I can’t. I need to prove to myself, to her, to whoever. But this isn’t the way. This proves nothing. This makes me appear a drunken slut. A sent me a text at 3am or so, I only just got it. All it says is ‘eres imbecil’, you’re an idiot. I can assume why, I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that this text embarrasses me, it makes me feel bad. B is not girlfriend material. A is. But I can’t have A, and I can have B. I can’t have A because of so many reasons, the STD only being one among them, ever so physical and ‘easy’ to deal with. But she makes me feel inferior. She knows so much about art, music, drawing, sculpture, literature, everything, but it’s because of this that I like her. It’s not that. That’s a good thing. To be honest, where she knows more is that I have very little sexual experience. She has so much. For this reason, I feel inferior. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. I can’t help it. I’m embarrassed by my inexperience, by my lack, by what I haven’t done and she has. What I don’t have, what I haven’t. It hurts. And now, she’s angry with me. Because of B. Because of something that helps me give myself some value, helps me see myself in a less **** way. Because I don’t know, I attracted a girl, and I don’t have the confidence to do that normally. A girl. Not her, but a girl. And I also feel **** because I’m treating B as ‘a girl’. I don’t know how to deal with this. Me cago en todo.

[The_JJ]

So, fun times. I'm walking a girl I'm interested in back to her dorm with the intention of capping a nice dinner with a 'hey this was nice, you wanna do it as, like, a date?' (Yes, that's really about as articulate as I'd end up being.)

Anyway, conversation takes a weird turn, to childhood, the good, the bad, then all of a sudden I'm bringing up half-repressed memories from my mother's car accident, and having to be home alone, then answer the door when the policeman shows up and... blahblahblah. Anyway. So yeah, I'm doing one of those TV psychologist things, the memory comes up and then I just can't stop talking. I finally finish what I'm saying, apologize for subjecting her to my ****, step outside, lean on a wall until my hands stop shaking, then head on back to my room.

tl;dr I ended up spilling my guts and making myself super emotionally vunerable... in a totally different way than intended. :smallbiggrin:

Moral of the story: none really. Just thought I'd share some schadenfreude for you all to pick over. Hopefully I didn't totally freak her out. I'l

Also, Goosefeather, dude, tell her everything you just told us. If it works it does, if it doesn't it never will.*

*Note, I'm not the best person to be taking advice from. It's still good advice though.

Also, if someone suggests 'Pity Date' I will look at you with the smallannoyed smiley of disapproval.

[Moonshadow]

Why would doing so hurt so much?

I had a somewhat similar situation with my old gf after we broke up and I still had feelings for her 3 months later; I either could have cut off from her, or explained my feelings to her.

I did the latter, and even though the feelings weren't reciprocated, she said that she wouldn't start ignoring me because she thought that would just be cruel. For some reason we're closer than ever, even though I wish I was in a relationship with her. But ultimately it's better, because I was in a bad place before I talked to her, and now I'm not sad anymore.

If it's important, if it's hurting you, and it concerns her, she deserves to know about it. Keeping it bottled inside won't help.

Bolded is the reason why. I'm not going to put myself through pining for another ex girlfriend and screwing my emotions up even further. I can't cope with the middle ground again, the middle ground will just mess me up.

[Innis Cabal]

Here's a good one for y'all. So, I’m not entirely sober and I want to express myself. Express myself for me, later, and for whoever wants to look back on this moment in my life and judge me. Tonight. Tonight wasn’t much on the grand scale of things, but listen to the background details, it gets better... So I’m an Erasmus student, spending four or so months in France, before moving on to Spain. I’ve made a lot of friends here, among which are various Spanish girls, among which is one, called A. I like A. She’s got the right attitude, she’s artistic, she has imagination, she’s creative and funny and charming and beautiful. We’ve made out a couple of times. But, continuing it further, given that I’m only here for 6 weeks more, it wouldn’t make sense. At least, that was the reason I gave myself for our mutual ‘is-it-isn’t-it’ drunken activity. Today, I learnt that she has an STD. It made me think. It made me think various things, different, contradictory, I don’t know. She’s A. I like her. She’s ... She’s led a life far more interesting than mine. We’ve talked on philosophical, life issues, and she takes a position more advanced, ‘older’ than mine. Now I feel I know why. It comes down to sex. There it is. Her life has been active, fun, full of sex. There are downsides, obviously. But I can’t help but feel irrational tinges of jealousy. I’m not likely to catch an STD. I’m not likely to, but for reasons that I don’t like – I can't do sex. I can make friends with girls just like that, I can do one-night stands, but my only real girlfriend was a crazy stalker and my sexual relationships are nothing to speak of. The point is, a couple of weeks ago, before making out with A, I was very drunk. I was very drunk and I slept with an English girl, B. Three or four weeks ago. Everything with A happened after. However, today. Today I learnt that A has a fairly serious STD. I acted as normal. I didn’t know what to say, but words speak louder than actions and we went to the clinic together for her regular vaccinations. It was my way of saying ‘ok, I don’t judge you.’ But. It did upset me. For weird reasons. I don’t expect a girl I like to be a virgin, of course not, but for her to have so much experience in life, and me so little... And obviously this affects the way I think about her. I don’t want it to, but it does. I’m weirdly jealous. There’s no way it can’t affect me. We got drunk tonight. There was a party. I saw B, the girl from weeks ago, for the first time in ages. We spoke, we were drunk, we made out. I don’t know when, I don’t know who saw, I don’t know if A had already left or not. But I was drunk, and I wanted, needed, to express myself, to prove myself. I can’t do girls. A can do all this. I can’t. I need to prove to myself, to her, to whoever. But this isn’t the way. This proves nothing. This makes me appear a drunken slut. A sent me a text at 3am or so, I only just got it. All it says is ‘eres imbecil’, you’re an idiot. I can assume why, I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that this text embarrasses me, it makes me feel bad. B is not girlfriend material. A is. But I can’t have A, and I can have B. I can’t have A because of so many reasons, the STD only being one among them, ever so physical and ‘easy’ to deal with. But she makes me feel inferior. She knows so much about art, music, drawing, sculpture, literature, everything, but it’s because of this that I like her. It’s not that. That’s a good thing. To be honest, where she knows more is that I have very little sexual experience. She has so much. For this reason, I feel inferior. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. I can’t help it. I’m embarrassed by my inexperience, by my lack, by what I haven’t done and she has. What I don’t have, what I haven’t. It hurts. And now, she’s angry with me. Because of B. Because of something that helps me give myself some value, helps me see myself in a less **** way. Because I don’t know, I attracted a girl, and I don’t have the confidence to do that normally. A girl. Not her, but a girl. And I also feel **** because I’m treating B as ‘a girl’. I don’t know how to deal with this. Me cago en todo.

I think your under some strange feeling that sex means much of anything. You seem to be focusing on it a great deal and while sex is a part of any relationship...it is not the foundation in which you build anything good. Yes, sex helps build emotional ties but clearly A isn't what your looking for in a chick. B might not be either. You also point out that you'll be moving around a lot, so is building any form of relationship with girls you may not be romantically involved with such a good idea? You say A has an "older outlook" from you, though between you and I, I can't see it. This is purely because your only focusing on her sexual promiscuity which...truth be told isn't a sign of maturity in the least. And that's the cut of it. Your judging yourself against someone who you shouldn't be judging yourself against (or at the very least have a skewed opinion on). And not to pry, but why do you think sex is such a mature and grand thing, something to focus on which clearly your doing.

Not to disparage the young lady any, but has being so open with her body really done her much good? She has a serious STD, do you want one at the cost of getting a lot of tail? There are lines you have to draw in life, this being one of them. Do you want to take the risk of getting a serious disease that may very well cut your life short for a few years of rampant sex with a dozen people or more? Or...do you want to have fewer notches in your belt but be clean. This is in no way looking down on people who've picked either side, it's simply the facts in it all.

Also, this is just a small suggestion...but laying off the drink might do you a bit of good sorting all this out. Your judgement is impaired a great deal under the sup and honestly that isn't what you need at this juncture.

[Aiani]

Cobra and Pancake thanks for the hugs (always nice) and the advice. I know really all I can do is listen to my friend and hope that one day she makes some changes for herself. It made me feel better to put my thoughts down and to have them read so thank you for listening. :smallsmile:

[Syka]

Casual relationships do happen. I dated a guy casually for almost 9 months. We never called each other boyfriend/girlfriend, but we definitely dated and did coupley things. Everyone knew we were together. I'd met his extended family and was invited to events that were predominantly family (brother's graduation, etc). But there was never comittment there. It was most certainly not FWB, but it wasn't an exclusive romantic relationship. And it wasn't an open relationship. It was just casual.

I broke it off when I knew I needed something more serious. No harm, no foul. We still talk on occasion, even.



Goosefeather, I'm not sure I get what you meant by you don't do sex? When you obviously do? Unless you meant something other than sex for the ONS.

As for A, with the STD, it's all a matter of if you would want to pursue a relationship and if it is worth the risk. I know Oz has likely been exposed to a cancer-causing strain of HPV, because a girl he dated has it (she let him know as soon as she knew, and he let me know). I didn't let this stop us from becoming intimate. It was also a question I had to ask myself when I had him get tested- what would I do if it was positive for something? I decided we'd figure it out. Even if it meant never having sex.

But the answer will be different for everyone. Some people can't deal with it, or don't think it is worth the risk. There is NOTHING wrong with that. But if you can't handle it, DO NOT lead her on. That would just be mean. Be glad she was honest with you about it- it is something very hard.


As for her promiscuity, how in the world does that affect her maturity? Oz is more experienced than I, yet I don't think anyone would call him more mature than me. (:smallwink:) I understand it making you feel inferior, even though it shouldn't, but it doesn't actually make her that much different.

As for B, if you are just using her...that isn't nice either. I'm getting the impression that you aren't really viewing these women as potential relationships, but only how they fit in to your life sexually. That's not always bad, but it doesn't exactly lay the foundation for the best friendships.

[Jessicat]

A pickle..



I met someone several months ago that I really, really like. He's a friend of a friend and we regularly play tabletop games together as part of a larger group. I've been going through some tough times recently and after seeing me upset he was nice enough to offer me a shoulder to cry on as well as some amazing advice for various issues that have cropped up. Since that, we've been chit chatting a lot and I find I really enjoy talking with him. Its easy to confide in him, too. He's got a good head on his shoulders and is really down to earth. It's nice.

And though I never would have guessed before, he's fourteen years older than me - I'm 23. Which means we're in completely different places in our lives. He's a nuclear physicist. I've got no formal education under my belt and i'm struggling to make ends meet while working in a call centre.

But EVERY time we interact I walk away smiling and feeling butterflies and happiness. Which is great. Because this happiness is currently what's helping keep me afloat.

Recently he's started staying up all hours of the night just to see if i'm online to talk to. He tries to be cute. He texts me a lot and playfully flirts and I think it's a bad thing so I try not to encourage it. Not that I don't absolutely adore him, but I'm about to go into college (again) and.. well... If anything became of this situation he'd be 40 before I was even 30, which speaks to me as something that could never, EVER work. And i'm not about to spark anything just to have 'temporary fun' because this guy is far too much of a decent dude for me to do that to.

In addition to that, he recently did me a HUGE favour just to help me get into school. Let me tell you, this guy has the biggest heart EVER and I seriously cried with happiness over what he did. So I can't just cut him out of my life and stop being around him; he's been an amazing friend. So not only would it make me seem mean and cold, but I'm also one of his D&D group members and there is no.way. I am leaving that game EVER.

Sigh. But omg I love him and want to kill him with love and cuddles.

I just think that an age difference that great is far too much to let anything develop. But I can't help but think that if the conversation ever comes up that it would be a really sucky reason to give a person as to why you don't want to date them. "Sorry, but i'm not old enough to date you". It's kind of a kick in the pants. Should I talk to him? Should I -not- bring it up and just hide my feelings? Help!

[DeadManSleeping]

A pickle..



I met someone several months ago that I really, really like. He's a friend of a friend and we regularly play tabletop games together as part of a larger group. I've been going through some tough times recently and after seeing me upset he was nice enough to offer me a shoulder to cry on as well as some amazing advice for various issues that have cropped up. Since that, we've been chit chatting a lot and I find I really enjoy talking with him. Its easy to confide in him, too. He's got a good head on his shoulders and is really down to earth. It's nice.

And though I never would have guessed before, he's fourteen years older than me - I'm 23. Which means we're in completely different places in our lives. He's a nuclear physicist. I've got no formal education under my belt and i'm struggling to make ends meet while working in a call centre.

But EVERY time we interact I walk away smiling and feeling butterflies and happiness. Which is great. Because this happiness is currently what's helping keep me afloat.

Recently he's started staying up all hours of the night just to see if i'm online to talk to. He tries to be cute. He texts me a lot and playfully flirts and I think it's a bad thing so I try not to encourage it. Not that I don't absolutely adore him, but I'm about to go into college (again) and.. well... If anything became of this situation he'd be 40 before I was even 30, which speaks to me as something that could never, EVER work. And i'm not about to spark anything just to have 'temporary fun' because this guy is far too much of a decent dude for me to do that to.

In addition to that, he recently did me a HUGE favour just to help me get into school. Let me tell you, this guy has the biggest heart EVER and I seriously cried with happiness over what he did. So I can't just cut him out of my life and stop being around him; he's been an amazing friend. So not only would it make me seem mean and cold, but I'm also one of his D&D group members and there is no.way. I am leaving that game EVER.

Sigh. But omg I love him and want to kill him with love and cuddles.

I just think that an age difference that great is far too much to let anything develop. But I can't help but think that if the conversation ever comes up that it would be a really sucky reason to give a person as to why you don't want to date them. "Sorry, but i'm not old enough to date you". It's kind of a kick in the pants. Should I talk to him? Should I -not- bring it up and just hide my feelings? Help!

First, I was extremely disappointed that there was no depiction of a pickle whatsoever :smallannoyed:

...

Sorry, real advice time.

It needs to be mentioned that there have been many people who have been happy in relationships with an age disparity of even so great as over half the younger's life. It's possible. You don't always need to be at the same place in your life to relate well. Humans are funny like that.

That said, seeing as you don't feel comfortable pursuing a romantic relationship with him...don't. Even if your personalities mesh well, if that age thing is always hanging over your head (and I'd bet money it hangs over his, too), it will cause lots of bad. Yes, it's understandable that you're enamored with this guy. But I don't think that it will be healthy for either of you to attempt a romantic relationship.

Still, stay friends with him. Don't shut him out. I'm guessing that he's the kind of guy who, even if he did ask you out, would be understanding if you said no. It can kind of suck to be around someone that you wish you could be with, but it sucks way more to try to be with someone that there's a reason you shouldn't. You'll find someone else...23 isn't that old, and you're going back to college, a great place to meet someone in your age range.

[Trog]

A pickle..



I met someone several months ago that I really, really like. He's a friend of a friend and we regularly play tabletop games together as part of a larger group. I've been going through some tough times recently and after seeing me upset he was nice enough to offer me a shoulder to cry on as well as some amazing advice for various issues that have cropped up. Since that, we've been chit chatting a lot and I find I really enjoy talking with him. Its easy to confide in him, too. He's got a good head on his shoulders and is really down to earth. It's nice.

And though I never would have guessed before, he's fourteen years older than me - I'm 23. Which means we're in completely different places in our lives. He's a nuclear physicist. I've got no formal education under my belt and i'm struggling to make ends meet while working in a call centre.

But EVERY time we interact I walk away smiling and feeling butterflies and happiness. Which is great. Because this happiness is currently what's helping keep me afloat.

Recently he's started staying up all hours of the night just to see if i'm online to talk to. He tries to be cute. He texts me a lot and playfully flirts and I think it's a bad thing so I try not to encourage it. Not that I don't absolutely adore him, but I'm about to go into college (again) and.. well... If anything became of this situation he'd be 40 before I was even 30, which speaks to me as something that could never, EVER work. And i'm not about to spark anything just to have 'temporary fun' because this guy is far too much of a decent dude for me to do that to.

In addition to that, he recently did me a HUGE favour just to help me get into school. Let me tell you, this guy has the biggest heart EVER and I seriously cried with happiness over what he did. So I can't just cut him out of my life and stop being around him; he's been an amazing friend. So not only would it make me seem mean and cold, but I'm also one of his D&D group members and there is no.way. I am leaving that game EVER.

Sigh. But omg I love him and want to kill him with love and cuddles.

I just think that an age difference that great is far too much to let anything develop. But I can't help but think that if the conversation ever comes up that it would be a really sucky reason to give a person as to why you don't want to date them. "Sorry, but i'm not old enough to date you". It's kind of a kick in the pants. Should I talk to him? Should I -not- bring it up and just hide my feelings? Help!

I'm in a relationship with someone many years younger. Surprisingly I don't notice the difference much and she says neither does she. *shrug* Honestly you never know how such things are going to work out. Would you rather suppress your feelings for him and never pursue him and have to live with that for the rest of your life? Or would you rather give it a chance and see what became of it like you would any other relationship and live with the consequences of doing so?

Many relationships don't work out in the long run. But if you don't pursue the spark when it happens and when you really want it... I dunno... not being true to yourself seems worse than potential heartache down the line sometimes, imo.

In the end it's your call. Best of luck no matter what you decide. :smallsmile:

[Coidzor]

Jessicat: He's staying up late to talk to you? Hmm...... Sounds like there might be something on his end too. :smalltongue:

Not much to say that the above two didn't say. Do what you want, what you will, and the only of all possible worlds will fall into place.

[xPANCAKEx]

Jessicat

its not really a pickle. You've already said the age difference makes it a no go.

if you want to reconsider that, then its up to you to decide

[Cobra_Ikari]

Jessicat

its not really a pickle. You've already said the age difference makes it a no go.

if you want to reconsider that, then its up to you to decide

I would agree with this. The fact that there are other people enjoying relationships like this does not necessarily mean it's the type for you. If you eventually find yourself comfortable with the idea, by all means, reconsider. *hugs tight*

[TFT]

Definitely me and the girl I keep talking about in this thread are getting closer. I haven't asked her out yet, but I've just decided to see how things go for now. It seems like we are heading in a dating direction either way. (Not due to fear or anything. Really.) We started talking on facebook, but something weird just happened. She logged on, we talked for about 5 or so minutes(She had a friend with her), but then she got off. I don't know what to think, not only about that but about, you know, everything. Right now, I'm pretty sure we are close friends, but I honestly can't tell past that. Not looking for advice, but I though I'd let people who gave advice see what was going on.

I'm sorry, I'm really really tired. 4 hours of sleep this whole week. Hopefully that made some semblance of sense.

[Zeb The Troll]

Jessicat - Alarra turns 30 only three months before I turn 40. Age gaps happen. It doesn't have to be a non-starter just because of that unless it makes you feel uncomfortable with it. I, personally, think you should give it a try. Dating the guy doesn't mean you have to make a final commitment. It's just dating.

That said, if he's harboring any romantic interest in you, and it comes up, and you say "Look, I think you're awesome, and if I were ten years older I would say yes in a hearbeat" I don't think he'd be hurt. He's old enough to know that the difference is potentially a problem and has probably already steeled himself for that eventuality.

[Cerlis]

Not to interrupt anyone else. But i just had an issue like...right now and wanted to get some advice (or rather, i'm exasperated and wanted to rant, because i didnt see any decent answer to my quandry).

Basically what just happened is my boyfriend whos been stressed all week and suffering from food poisoning, thanks to his other stressor (his mom who just moved here and is looking for a place to live, and being a total invalid at it) buying bad meat. He's totally depressed apparently, though i didnt know how bad it was till about 10 minutes ago (about 2 hours after i thought he should have turned in. He texted me about 10 minutes after i got off work at 2 am, and i replied i thought he was asleep)

anyways, I think i'll actually type the conversation (his mom is in the other room so no calls, and i've been at work since 3 pm so only text, thats why we are conversing in text)


Him:I feel like i want to throw up and im in pain
Me:Im Sorry
Him: And im in a bad mood and im anxious and the best<Man?boy? he means me> i love is no where near
Me: You shouldnt be anxious cus u do great and ur awesome
Him: Well i spent 900 dollars and i feel stupid..like why.. im so screwed and broke
Me:What you spend it on the cds?
Him: no the cds and the show
me:Whes ur next paycheck babe?
Him:two weeks
Me: How much u have sweety?
Him:And i dont know what to do, as far as stay here or move
Me:Well if u do pack up u will have me to help u so u still have time to decide
Him: Only 10 days
Him: I should be happy but i'm not I am really sad
Me: Listen to some good music or u got a book to read? Do something happy
Him: U dont understand ...Im going to bed
Me: Yes i do. I just dont know how to cheer you up.
Me:I love you and ur an outstanding person and i'm here for you
Him:Im trying to talk to u about stuff and u keep brushing me off
Me: No I'm not :(
Me: just trying to tell you it will all be ok.
Him:Thats not what i want to hear...I dont need pat answers i was looking for someone to talk it all through with
Me: Then i'm here for that
Him: Well i need sleep now have to get up early and i feel horrible. Thanks for trying
Me:Good luck babe. Sweet dreams

End


Now i've chatted up a guy and aggravated him once. He told me that he appreciates what people do but having everyone all trying to help and suggesting stuff just stresses him out. That he wants someone to just be there for them. And i understood and agreed, and i seek to be that. A S/O is someone who should be there for you, even if its just silently

However. I can tell you i'm confident with this man, that small responses would probably result in a "You dont care".

I guess my ultimate question is. "How do you shut up and dont pester someone by telling them what to do, but honestly show your support" I mean i tried to imagine what it woulda been like in person, and i just see myself hugging him and...well "I'm sorry" would get old and fake really fast. What would i do what would i say. I guess asking them about the problem? a "i'm a diary , write in me"

I dont know what i could have done...

[Cerlis]

A pickle..



I met someone several months ago that I really, really like. He's a friend of a friend and we regularly play tabletop games together as part of a larger group. I've been going through some tough times recently and after seeing me upset he was nice enough to offer me a shoulder to cry on as well as some amazing advice for various issues that have cropped up. Since that, we've been chit chatting a lot and I find I really enjoy talking with him. Its easy to confide in him, too. He's got a good head on his shoulders and is really down to earth. It's nice.

And though I never would have guessed before, he's fourteen years older than me - I'm 23. Which means we're in completely different places in our lives. He's a nuclear physicist. I've got no formal education under my belt and i'm struggling to make ends meet while working in a call centre.

But EVERY time we interact I walk away smiling and feeling butterflies and happiness. Which is great. Because this happiness is currently what's helping keep me afloat.

Recently he's started staying up all hours of the night just to see if i'm online to talk to. He tries to be cute. He texts me a lot and playfully flirts and I think it's a bad thing so I try not to encourage it. Not that I don't absolutely adore him, but I'm about to go into college (again) and.. well... If anything became of this situation he'd be 40 before I was even 30, which speaks to me as something that could never, EVER work. And i'm not about to spark anything just to have 'temporary fun' because this guy is far too much of a decent dude for me to do that to.

In addition to that, he recently did me a HUGE favour just to help me get into school. Let me tell you, this guy has the biggest heart EVER and I seriously cried with happiness over what he did. So I can't just cut him out of my life and stop being around him; he's been an amazing friend. So not only would it make me seem mean and cold, but I'm also one of his D&D group members and there is no.way. I am leaving that game EVER.

Sigh. But omg I love him and want to kill him with love and cuddles.

I just think that an age difference that great is far too much to let anything develop. But I can't help but think that if the conversation ever comes up that it would be a really sucky reason to give a person as to why you don't want to date them. "Sorry, but i'm not old enough to date you". It's kind of a kick in the pants. Should I talk to him? Should I -not- bring it up and just hide my feelings? Help!

well except for my first person, i've dated consistently older and older men. One thing to note is that people are people are people. Differences are happenstantial. You really got to think about your differences. For instance, my first real boyfriend is 38, I'm 24. Big difference, but we get along great, like same music, he is more into the "Scene" but that just makes me interested in it. I'm not sure how EXACTLY he felt about my exuberant nerdery but unlike with others, i dont think he looked down upon it. So despite a large age gap we got along great.

Now my second boyfriend, is more of an issue. if you want to be one dimensional, yes the problems are cus of age, but that is happenstantial. He identifies with the culture of the "gay scene" because he grew up in a time of severe opression, while i see gay as just being a footnote for me. Since there has been generation upon generation of music between when he was a kid and now, he seems less tolerant of new music. Because he was raised babtist and even in a religious school,, he has strong conservitive Morals. One of biggest fights was when he got pissed that I didnt fight for 10 dollars i lost in a Casino. I understood where he was comming from, that it was the issue of "me just rolling over and letting them take advantage", not the actual 10 dollars, and he didnt calm down till i finally got it through to him that it was just a matter of value differences, that i'd fight for something important.

Not sure if i did a good job but basically, we have a huge age difference, and because of that we grew up in different cities, different eras, ect... That has RESULTED in a severe cultural, moral and world view differences between us. Its possible for anyone to have the same opinions as him. Yes the differences between us are "Because of age" cus age resulted in it. But that doesnt mean that a relationship is impossible just because he is older.

So by that same token, as with my first example, that you could easily find a person a SCORE older than you, and as long as you respected each other, and took an interest in each other, and your morals didnt violate each others, then it would be fine (as long as yall both realized the implications such as health difference). Essentially Age just increases the chances of big differences that will matter.
-------------
TWo of my major qualms with dating an older person i've observed of late that are major issues are
1) If he is single, its for a reason. One major reason could be that he's been in many bad relationships, and thus "the right one" hasnt come along. years of this, from what i see, makes people defensive. They will take longer to commit, protect themselves from heartbreak. A friend of my first boyfriend is a great guy, smart, funny, morals on the same track as mine. But as i got to know him i realized bad relationships, and life in general made him so thick skinned i didnt think i could ever get close to him, or to do it would require years of work while fearing one argument is going to have him throw me out.
People are social creatures, and in order to survive "Alone", their behavior changes, so an older person may be more independent and harder to get close to

2) the other more upsetting thing is that, an older person has more time to set up a life. Loads of friends they see, talking about this story and relating that story to another story to another. They've lost more jobs than i've ever had. Sometimes I feel like They have this entire life, thats entirely independant and its their constructive way of living, and since they've constructed their life to function without a Significant other, it feels like I can only cut off bits and pieces of myself to fit into the few remaining holes in their life. Its depressing that i know if we break up, i wont have been a changing moment in their life, i will just be one more annecdote.

[Zeb The Troll]

To be frank, I can kind of see where he's coming from. He said "I'm anxious" and instead of asking why or what you can do, you just said "Don't be". It seems like a nice thing to say (you don't need to be anxious because you're doing great) but, in the kind of mood he sounds like he's in, that may have come off as dismissive or invalidating. Where he says "I don't know what to do" it sounds like he's asking for help making the decision. You simply stated "no matter what you decide, I'll be there to help you". Again, not a bad answer on the face of it, but I think he was more looking for "well, let's weigh and compare your options and see if we can figure out which option makes more sense".

He may have stated previously that those kinds of responses bother him, but in this specific case, he's flat out stating "I want you to talk this through with me" which means giving him more than cheerful platitudes, even if they're honest and well meant.

Others may have a differing view.

[Cerlis]

To be frank, I can kind of see where he's coming from. He said "I'm anxious" and instead of asking why or what you can do, you just said "Don't be". It seems like a nice thing to say (you don't need to be anxious because you're doing great) but, in the kind of mood he sounds like he's in, that may have come off as dismissive or invalidating. Where he says "I don't know what to do" it sounds like he's asking for help making the decision. You simply stated "no matter what you decide, I'll be there to help you". Again, not a bad answer on the face of it, but I think he was more looking for "well, let's weigh and compare your options and see if we can figure out which option makes more sense".

He may have stated previously that those kinds of responses bother him, but in this specific case, he's flat out stating "I want you to talk this through with me" which means giving him more than cheerful platitudes, even if they're honest and well meant.

Others may have a differing view.

At the current moment, I feel enough angst to say "Shouldnt an adult be emotionally together enough to make it known that they want to talk sometime before they decide to throw the conversation away". He was only upfront with me when he got angry/depressed enough to be straight with me. and by that time when i said I was here to work it through with him, "I need to sleep.

Halfway through making the above reply my roomate helped me understand what a Platitude is (and, misspellings aside i believe he mentioned "pat" answers where i believe was meant to be "plat"), and it oh so infuriates me. It made me realize what conversation he read, and what one yall likely read, and i appreciate you pointing out "cheerful platitudes". What makes me mad is that he thinks of those as Plats. Those where not just well wishes, those where real answers. Without going into Wall o'Text mode, essentially what i get from him is that what is most important is having someone there, not feeling alone. I tell him about all his accomplishments and "I dont care about all that stuff, you are what is important." So. Depressed boyfriend. Give him the compliments his Exes never gave him. Remind him of his accomplishments. I dont know, maybe i didnt do that, and in hindsight after your answer i do indeed see he didnt see that. And i think you (I hope i managed to avoid it seeming that any of this aggrivation is pointed to you, cus it isnt).

Ug. I dont understand him, and i fail at basic human communication.

P.S. I hate contextless text conversations, and I just to make sure, i really really appreciate your answer (and I promise when i calm down I wont be doing anything destructive)

[Zeb The Troll]

You're absolutely right, it's a basic, common example of miscommunication. People don't always realize that the receiver isn't always parsing what the sender is saying the same way the sender is. You had every reason to believe you were telling him what he needed to hear based on previous conversations and interactions with him. From his point of view, it was probably obvious that he was seeking a deeper conversation this time. The only thing you did "wrong" (and I use the term very loosely here) was to not read between the lines to get at what he was actually needing from you. The thing is, that's hard enough to do when you're actually speaking to a person face to face, let alone remotely, and even worse via text where all non-verbal cues are stripped from the conversation. My recommendation to you is two fold. First, don't beat yourself up about it. You meant well and you weren't trying to be difficult or dismissive. Second, next time you talk to him, apologize for not getting the "message" soon enough and explain that you were honestly trying to be helpful, but weren't sure what kind of help he needed from you. (Note that I may very well have misinterpreted what was going through his mind as well, since I've only got the same cue-less text that you provided and don't have the benefit of knowing your man in any way.)

[Side Note - No, he almost certainly meant "pat answers". It's an expression meaning something like "a typical or expected response". It does not necessarily mean the response is not genuine. As an example, if someone were to come to work and say "my cat/dog/mother/cousin/aunt/grandpa passed away this weekend", the pat response would be "Oh, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Most everybody means that when they say it, but you know they're going to say it even before you've told them the news.]

[absolmorph]

So, as I mentioned on Monday, all the problems 'tween myself and Annie came to a head Sunday night.
I laid out all of my problems (which, up 'til then, I hadn't considered significant enough to bother with) and now things are calm. At least for now. There haven't been any problems about the other girl (who I've actually been avoiding mentioning to Annie for weeks), despite us talking a few times on Facebook via comments (none of which got beyond focusing on some joke).
So, that's good. Though she might just not be saying anything but still have a problem with it (which would go directly against my request for her to tell me about stuff I do she has a problem with).
And we spent Wednesday together. We were with each other for about 8 hours, though E was also around for 4 of those hours (though he didn't bother me too much, and Annie didn't ignore me in favor of him, or vice versa [well... she didn't ignore him in favor of me much...]). That was good.
And we're currently talking, and she asked me why I stare at her and I took that opportunity to basically lay compliments on her. I ended it with saying she has nice skin. I don't know if she got the reference, but I'm still proud that I can honestly say I've used that compliment.

So, things are going smoothly at the moment. Hopefully, they'll stay calm for a while longer.

Oh, and I found out the reason behind some stuff that confused me with another girl back on Halloween.
Specifically, she told me that 10-11 was a good time to leave her house (where I was going after a small party-thing), but everyone else left by 9:30 so it was just the two of us downstairs for half an hour. Apparently there was a change of plans and she forgot to tell me. She proceeded to keep apologizing until I threatened to lick her like she'd never been licked before. Apparently she considers accidentally making me spend time with her worth an apology. I disagree.

So, in short, today has been a pleasant day for me, putting one question to rest and having pretty much entirely pleasant conversations with Annie.
Pleased absolmorph is pleased.

[Cerlis]

[Side Note - No, he almost certainly meant "pat answers". It's an expression meaning something like "a typical or expected response". It does not necessarily mean the response is not genuine. As an example, if someone were to come to work and say "my cat/dog/mother/cousin/aunt/grandpa passed away this weekend", the pat response would be "Oh, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Most everybody means that when they say it, but you know they're going to say it even before you've told them the news.]
__________________

Well that actually hits on my original question. If/when we talk/wouldhave talked...I'm wondering what the best thing to do. "i'm sorry" pretty much works once. I was thinking, in hindsight, the best thing is just to simply ask questions "Are you ok? What can i do? Then what happened?" under the idea of simultaniously letting them know i'm interested( or rather they have my attention), my sympathy, and my willingness to help.

...I'm pretty sure i'm clever enough to modifiy the intent where appropriate (I.E. I wouldnt be giving robotic responses). I'm just paranoid about being afraid to answer and not saying anything and then that making it seem like I dont care and am just "nodding my head"

[Zeb The Troll]

"Are you ok? What can i do? Then what happened?" under the idea of simultaniously letting them know i'm interested( or rather they have my attention), my sympathy, and my willingness to help.In my "expert, professional opinion" this, exactly. (points for getting the reference) :smallcool:

[MountainKing]

AHHHHHHHHHHH you fiends started the new thread without me! D: Good thing I caught it today. Got some catching up to do, and now I'm all behind, and stuff... Half of what I'm about to say probably isn't relevant anymore. :smallfrown:

But I'mma say it anyhow! :smallbiggrin: LET'S GET STARTED!


Well, I guess its not over just yet. Please, don't let it be over anytime soon...
I don't really want to say much, but I'm very, very lucky Trog took me back after my meltdown this morning. Incredibly so.
And I don't intend on ever repeating the activities that occurred today.



I think I'm the lucky one, really. And I'm glad you took me back too. <3

Oh my God you guys you made my heart explode. I don't even know you guys and my heart, it has an explode. Just, augh. So cute.


Here's a good one for y'all. So, I’m not entirely sober and I want to express myself. Express myself for me, later, and for whoever wants to look back on this moment in my life and judge me. Tonight. Tonight wasn’t much on the grand scale of things, but listen to the background details, it gets better... So I’m an Erasmus student, spending four or so months in France, before moving on to Spain. I’ve made a lot of friends here, among which are various Spanish girls, among which is one, called A. I like A. She’s got the right attitude, she’s artistic, she has imagination, she’s creative and funny and charming and beautiful. We’ve made out a couple of times. But, continuing it further, given that I’m only here for 6 weeks more, it wouldn’t make sense. At least, that was the reason I gave myself for our mutual ‘is-it-isn’t-it’ drunken activity. Today, I learnt that she has an STD. It made me think. It made me think various things, different, contradictory, I don’t know. She’s A. I like her. She’s ... She’s led a life far more interesting than mine. We’ve talked on philosophical, life issues, and she takes a position more advanced, ‘older’ than mine. Now I feel I know why. It comes down to sex. There it is. Her life has been active, fun, full of sex. There are downsides, obviously. But I can’t help but feel irrational tinges of jealousy. I’m not likely to catch an STD. I’m not likely to, but for reasons that I don’t like – I can't do sex. I can make friends with girls just like that, I can do one-night stands, but my only real girlfriend was a crazy stalker and my sexual relationships are nothing to speak of. The point is, a couple of weeks ago, before making out with A, I was very drunk. I was very drunk and I slept with an English girl, B. Three or four weeks ago. Everything with A happened after. However, today. Today I learnt that A has a fairly serious STD. I acted as normal. I didn’t know what to say, but words speak louder than actions and we went to the clinic together for her regular vaccinations. It was my way of saying ‘ok, I don’t judge you.’ But. It did upset me. For weird reasons. I don’t expect a girl I like to be a virgin, of course not, but for her to have so much experience in life, and me so little... And obviously this affects the way I think about her. I don’t want it to, but it does. I’m weirdly jealous. There’s no way it can’t affect me. We got drunk tonight. There was a party. I saw B, the girl from weeks ago, for the first time in ages. We spoke, we were drunk, we made out. I don’t know when, I don’t know who saw, I don’t know if A had already left or not. But I was drunk, and I wanted, needed, to express myself, to prove myself. I can’t do girls. A can do all this. I can’t. I need to prove to myself, to her, to whoever. But this isn’t the way. This proves nothing. This makes me appear a drunken slut. A sent me a text at 3am or so, I only just got it. All it says is ‘eres imbecil’, you’re an idiot. I can assume why, I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that this text embarrasses me, it makes me feel bad. B is not girlfriend material. A is. But I can’t have A, and I can have B. I can’t have A because of so many reasons, the STD only being one among them, ever so physical and ‘easy’ to deal with. But she makes me feel inferior. She knows so much about art, music, drawing, sculpture, literature, everything, but it’s because of this that I like her. It’s not that. That’s a good thing. To be honest, where she knows more is that I have very little sexual experience. She has so much. For this reason, I feel inferior. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. I can’t help it. I’m embarrassed by my inexperience, by my lack, by what I haven’t done and she has. What I don’t have, what I haven’t. It hurts. And now, she’s angry with me. Because of B. Because of something that helps me give myself some value, helps me see myself in a less **** way. Because I don’t know, I attracted a girl, and I don’t have the confidence to do that normally. A girl. Not her, but a girl. And I also feel **** because I’m treating B as ‘a girl’. I don’t know how to deal with this. Me cago en todo.

O_o

Well then. The only thing I can really say is, "You're right, that is pretty irrational of you, but the good thing is, you cop to it." Sex is fun, and for some, it can have a deeper emotional and romantic meaning. Intimacy is what makes sex bring people closer; sex doesn't do it by itself, because sex is just sex. Intimacy is far larger in scope. Weigh your options against your feelings; you'll find your answer.


A pickle..



I met someone several months ago that I really, really like. He's a friend of a friend and we regularly play tabletop games together as part of a larger group. I've been going through some tough times recently and after seeing me upset he was nice enough to offer me a shoulder to cry on as well as some amazing advice for various issues that have cropped up. Since that, we've been chit chatting a lot and I find I really enjoy talking with him. Its easy to confide in him, too. He's got a good head on his shoulders and is really down to earth. It's nice.

And though I never would have guessed before, he's fourteen years older than me - I'm 23. Which means we're in completely different places in our lives. He's a nuclear physicist. I've got no formal education under my belt and i'm struggling to make ends meet while working in a call centre.

But EVERY time we interact I walk away smiling and feeling butterflies and happiness. Which is great. Because this happiness is currently what's helping keep me afloat.

Recently he's started staying up all hours of the night just to see if i'm online to talk to. He tries to be cute. He texts me a lot and playfully flirts and I think it's a bad thing so I try not to encourage it. Not that I don't absolutely adore him, but I'm about to go into college (again) and.. well... If anything became of this situation he'd be 40 before I was even 30, which speaks to me as something that could never, EVER work. And i'm not about to spark anything just to have 'temporary fun' because this guy is far too much of a decent dude for me to do that to.

In addition to that, he recently did me a HUGE favour just to help me get into school. Let me tell you, this guy has the biggest heart EVER and I seriously cried with happiness over what he did. So I can't just cut him out of my life and stop being around him; he's been an amazing friend. So not only would it make me seem mean and cold, but I'm also one of his D&D group members and there is no.way. I am leaving that game EVER.

Sigh. But omg I love him and want to kill him with love and cuddles.

I just think that an age difference that great is far too much to let anything develop. But I can't help but think that if the conversation ever comes up that it would be a really sucky reason to give a person as to why you don't want to date them. "Sorry, but i'm not old enough to date you". It's kind of a kick in the pants. Should I talk to him? Should I -not- bring it up and just hide my feelings? Help!

Silly Jessicat, the "not creepy to date" rule is "half your age, plus seven years." 37 / 2 = 18.5, plus seven is twenty five and a half. Now, watch as everyone puts in their calls of "That rule means bull!" or "That's so true!" :smalltongue:

In all seriousness, age only matters if you let it. If you like the guy so much, then don't let it. You're twenty three years old; just about anywhere in the world, that means you're a full fledged adult, and that means you've got the full fledged adult benefit of dating whoever the Hell you want.

If he really makes you as happy as you say, then it would be (in my opinion) just about a sin to not give him a chance.

[Trog]

Here's a good one for y'all. *stuff*
You're only going to be there for four months. You like A but being with her brings you pain. You're not likely to get over this in the time you are there. Say you get together? What happens in four months? You'll be moving away and the distance will be yet another strain on the relationship. And more pain. This whole situation for you effects you enough that it brings you a lot of emotional pain...

Do yourself a favor and let her go, man. Some women aren't worth it.

EDIT:

Oh my God you guys you made my heart explode. I don't even know you guys and my heart, it has an explode. Just, augh. So cute.
:smallbiggrin:

[Starbuck_II]

No. Probably should. I just don't know if I care enough. I mean, it doesn't really SHOW, but its just so much anxiety. I can talk so easily and openly with people online (actual voice chat). I'm a normal damn human being in that respect in that situation, but put me around physical people and its just stress. I feel awkward and unattractive and I want to punch something anytime I stumble over words. Nothing feels natural because I get so focused on my own physical actions or words. It's like I'm simultaneously socially okay on the outside and a train wreck on the inside. I still don't really have friends solely offline much still, let alone ever attempt intelligent conversation with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Speaking up in class makes my heart race a mile a minute...

Plus I'm just damn afraid. The first think I think of when I hear "relationship" is pure f'ing stress and worry and stuff like that.

/f'ing pathetic
It sounds like Stage Fright except not on stage.
Have you considered picturing everyone in their underwear?
Or picturing someone doing the funky chicken dance nearby.

It is hard to be feeling bad when laughing.

[MountainKing]

It sounds like Stage Fright except not on stage.
Have you considered picturing everyone in their underwear?
Or picturing someone doing the funky chicken dance nearby.

It is hard to be feeling bad when laughing.

I have it on good authority that doing the bolded one can be just as hazardous for ladies as it is for mens. It may not be visible, but I'm told it's just as embarrassing.

[xPANCAKEx]

The Fiery Tower

simple answer: if she has a friend with her it would be pretty anti-social to sit there on facebook.

stop worrying and just ask her out. Then you'll know for sure one way or the other if things can progress beyond a friendly level.

and if you're tired, dont start mulling over things - the mind plays tricks on you at the tired times

[darbythegambler]

uhm... this is my first time posting on a thread like this and i'm not sure if my question works here... here goes

I seem to have a recurring problem in a relationship... not one relationship specifically, but nearly all of my previous relationships end like this... the person i'm with leaves me for someone else they've been seeing behind my back. This has left me rather... paranoid. Now in my current relationship, I can't help but get unnerved whenever my girlfriend so much as even looks at another man... I can keep this paranoia in check for now, but after being cheated on more times than a high school biology test, I'm not certain how long I can go without my suspicion showing... so my question is this: How can I shake this paranoia off? How can I have faith in the person I'm with after dealing with deception time and time again?

[Trog]

uhm... this is my first time posting on a thread like this and i'm not sure if my question works here... here goes

I seem to have a recurring problem in a relationship... not one relationship specifically, but nearly all of my previous relationships end like this... the person i'm with leaves me for someone else they've been seeing behind my back. This has left me rather... paranoid. Now in my current relationship, I can't help but get unnerved whenever my girlfriend so much as even looks at another man... I can keep this paranoia in check for now, but after being cheated on more times than a high school biology test, I'm not certain how long I can go without my suspicion showing... so my question is this: How can I shake this paranoia off? How can I have faith in the person I'm with after dealing with deception time and time again?
Well first of all that's rather crappy of them to do to you and *hugs* and all that.

Basically it comes down to this. Ask yourself this question:

Do I really want to not trust anyone for the rest of my life or would I be much happier just trusting and hoping for the best even though I might get hurt by it?

Do you have reasons to be skittish? Of course. Have you been hurt in the past? Of course. Do our past experiences help to shape us? Again, yes, of course.

But you can shape your future too. Choosing to trust someone... even though you know you might get hurt... gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. And people in your life deserve that much.

Until they don't, of course.

Imagine if your girl didn't trust you. While it's probably safe to say you'd feel at least a little sympathetic to her worrying since you've been through that before if she kept it up all the time you can probably begin to see how that could become problematic. And that's how you could appear to your significant other if you were that way. And they may or may not be sympathetic. Be careful not to become a self-fulfilling prophesy by driving them away with paranoia and jealousy.

Now I'm certainly not saying that this was your fault - they choose their own actions, after all, not you. But your actions are the only things you can change and decide - you can't change someone else or control their actions. So change your own for your sake. Living a life which says: "I'm a good person and I'm going to trust you because I believe you are a good person too" might sound a bit... naieve?

But it beats living a life of paranoia.

Best of luck in the future. :smallsmile:

[The Rose Dragon]

I need help handling a crush, with three complications in the way.

1) She is my cousin's friend, which is how I know her.
2) I don't want my cousin to know about it.
3) I don't know how else to contact her (technically, there is facebook, but I don't want to look stalker-ish).

Any suggestions as to what to do?

[Malfunctioned]

Remember how I was talking about B?

Well I kinda met another girl in college that week.

We quite hit it off.

And well....

To sum it up I could be in a relationship within the space of a few hours if I answer a question waiting for me online.

I'm just not sure whether to go with it or not.

Gah. :smallfrown:

EDIT: Just to sum it up, she's attractive, cute, a gamer and quite fun to talk to. We click really well and we have pretty much been flirting all the time. I do want to be with her it's just that I don't really want it to seem like I was leading B on this whole time, I really wasn't but me and her just seem way too shy around each other to actually properly go any further than friends.

[xPANCAKEx]

darbythegambler

if you dont trust the girl you're with, then call it quits. If its something more internal, such as you dont trust ANY girl, then take time off dating/relationships until you've got a handle on it, but make sure you're honest with them when you call things off. The real danger is as trog put it: becoming a self fulfulling prophecy

If you decide to let the anxiety go and trust her, then dont tell her. As re-assuring/complimentry it may be in your head, the last thing anyone needs is that little seed of doubt that may sprout into thoughts of "wait... maybe he didnt trust me fully before. HEEEY! why the heck not?". Just carry on things with a renewed smile on your face. If they notice a change and ask whats up just tell them "im happy". They dont need to know the details, and no one with any sanity questions happiness when it comes along :smallwink:

The Rose Dragon

words of caution

if you dont "know" her well enough to be able to contact her off your own back then really you have to ask yourself is this girl relationship material. And really, if your cousin is that bad that you dont want them to know, how bad do you think they would be if you DID start dating this girl.

all kinds of flags of many shades of red being thrown around here

Malfunctioned

Its not leading someone on if you had the intention of taking things further (even if you are so shy around each other that it would have made things difficult). As for this other potential relationship. Well with regards to B... tough. If she gets bent out of shape about it, remind her that if she was that interested she could have made a move.

You're single, you're not emotionally tied down to one person at a time.

You dont owe B any loyalty to turn down someone else if they take your interest and make a move

yes its a bit annoying for B, but it doesnt make any attraction you held for her any less valid

[Malfunctioned]

Malfunctioned

Its not leading someone on if you had the intention of taking things further (even if you are so shy around each other that it would have made things difficult). As for this other potential relationship. Well with regards to B... tough. If she gets bent out of shape about it, remind her that if she was that interested she could have made a move.

You're single, you're not emotionally tied down to one person at a time.

You dont owe B any loyalty to turn down someone else if they take your interest and make a move

yes its a bit annoying for B, but it doesnt make any attraction you held for her any less valid

And once again I'm extremely glad to have you on this forum Pancake. Again this advice is great.

Wish me luck. :smalleek: :smallsmile:

[The Rose Dragon]

The Rose Dragon

words of caution

if you dont "know" her well enough to be able to contact her off your own back then really you have to ask yourself is this girl relationship material. And really, if your cousin is that bad that you dont want them to know, how bad do you think they would be if you DID start dating this girl.

all kinds of flags of many shades of red being thrown around here

Words of advice: capitals, punctuation and such are great fun. :smalltongue:

I can contact her on my own, though I have to go through facebook, and I dislike facebook. The alternative is to ask for her IM information or cell phone, but again, I have to meet her through facebook or my cousin.

My cousin is not really a problem, since she already suggested that we could hook up... two years ago. It's more that I want to avoid the awkwardness of doing something I said I wasn't interested in doing earlier (because I was genuinely not interested at that point).

[Fax Celestis]

<_< Didn't see there was a new thread....

For those of you following the Fax Parental Dramafest 2010, I present last night's latest addition:

My wife and I met with my parents at a counselor's session. We agreed to not talk about specifics, but I will say one thing: at the end of the session, we were each asked by the counselor individually if we were willing to go to further sessions to work on the relationship. Unsurprisingly, my mother gave a noncommittal "not really" answer and my father gave a "yes". My wife, equally unsurprisingly, said "not for a long time".

This is the part I have trouble with: before the session, I was convinced I was seeking an apology and a goodbye, nothing more. But once we got into the session and I saw my parents, I wasn't so certain, and without my resolve to back me up, I waffled and said "maybe, when I'm not so angry".

Now I feel like I've betrayed both myself and my wife, and I fear I may get roped into additional meetings that I'm not fully committed to and my wife doesn't want to go to at all.

tl;dr I felt better about everything yesterday, before the meeting, and now I feel like a new pokemon evolution: Sighduck.

[Heliomance]

<_< Didn't see there was a new thread....

For those of you following the Fax Parental Dramafest 2010, I present last night's latest addition:

My wife and I met with my parents at a counselor's session. We agreed to not talk about specifics, but I will say one thing: at the end of the session, we were each asked by the counselor individually if we were willing to go to further sessions to work on the relationship. Unsurprisingly, my mother gave a noncommittal "not really" answer and my father gave a "yes". My wife, equally unsurprisingly, said "not for a long time".

This is the part I have trouble with: before the session, I was convinced I was seeking an apology and a goodbye, nothing more. But once we got into the session and I saw my parents, I wasn't so certain, and without my resolve to back me up, I waffled and said "maybe, when I'm not so angry".

Now I feel like I've betrayed both myself and my wife, and I fear I may get roped into additional meetings that I'm not fully committed to and my wife doesn't want to go to at all.

tl;dr I felt better about everything yesterday, before the meeting, and now I feel like a new pokemon evolution: Sighduck.

For those of us who haven't seen the previous installments of Fax Parental Dramafest 2010, would you mind giving a "what you missed on" summary?

[junglesteve]

Ok! So I met this lady on a dating site she lives about two hours from me we've been texting a lot. She was apparently in the works of organizing her friends for a get together so we could meet in real life. Anyway this was before we started actually talking on the phone.

Last night we had our first real time convo and I was crazy nervous. I have no idea why, it just struck me. I was smooth calm and in control through the beginning of the convo then BAM. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I was some aspergers kid. Looking back at one point I was honestly talking AT her not really with. !!$##@#! The kicker, at the end of the convo, I apologized for the nervousness. Wtf.... She sent a pic of her dog earlier today and I gave her another call after work. I would really be surprised if she called back. I really suck at this ****.


What do some of you do when you're lacking on things to talk about? Like on the fly no prep ****.

Oh another kicker! I went off on a ****ing mac schpeel... talk about elitist prick geekness....

[xPANCAKEx]

What do some of you do when you're lacking on things to talk about? Like on the fly no prep ****.

on the phone? easy - make an excuse and get OFF the phone.

in person? get them talking about themself and ask follow up questions

[Fax Celestis]

For those of us who haven't seen the previous installments of Fax Parental Dramafest 2010, would you mind giving a "what you missed on" summary?

Start here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9398969#post9398969). Also this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9401600&postcount=248).

[junglesteve]

on the phone? easy - make an excuse and get OFF the phone.

in person? get them talking about themself and ask follow up questions

Thanks lol I'll put the excuse phone knowledge into use.

On a side not she is still contacting me through ... text... which I guess is a good thing. I was all worried that she would be done with it. Seriously, I went off on a ****ing mac rant? What the hell happened to my mind?

[TFT]

You know the facebook chat thing me and the one person have been doing, that I mentioned... I think it was yesterday? Well, I've been starting all of the conversations. And while it doesn't seem like she doesn't want to talk to me(Except the one time she was doing homework and tried to hint at it. I don't take hints well. :smallsigh:), it feels kind of weird to start every conversation. What also feels weird is we started poking each other a few times a day(on facebook), and then 2 or 3 days later she stopped randomly, without mention of why. So overall, I think my last couple of days have felt like :smallconfused:. Is it normal to feel weird about those sort of things?

[Coidzor]

Did you tell her to just tell you if she was busy and couldn't chat?

Poking's... poking. Don't read into it at all, best advice I can give to you.

[Koury]

And today was going so damn good...

OK, so today me, one of my two very close personal friends and her boyfriend were hanging out. My friend (refered to from here on out as she/her) had finally saved out enough money to get herself an Ipad so the three of us headed out to the mall so she could get it. On the way there, her boyfriend (him/he from here on out) remembered a previous activity he needed to do, so we dropped him off and just the two of us went.

We go get it and spend a bit of time wandering the mall. Everything is good, shes excited and all that. We go get him since he's done with his thing now and we head out to Dennys for some food.

We eat. Everything is cool. Smiles, laughs, hugs, what have you.

We swing by Walmart, buy a movie (Scott Pilgrim) and head to his house to watch it. We start watching it. They're laying down together cuddling and we're all watching it and everything is good.

He gets a call. Doesn't know the number so he doesn't answer it. They call back. Ingnored again. Third time. He says he doesn't know who it is, she asks if she can answer it. He says no problem. She does. She says something smartass and hangs up. They call back and he answers, putting it on speaker. Its some chick (someone he knew from school? Not sure.) She (phone chick) asks who answered the phone the first time, he says his girlfriend did. Phone chick says she sounded like a b---- and keeps on talking. She (friend) gets up (visibly irritated, at least, I noticed) and heads into the bathroom. He finished the call (it didn't last very long) and goes to get her.

Movie is still playing. I'm still just sitting there. I hear a bit of a thud. I listen in a bit now, but it sounds like laughing I hear. I assume it was nothing and they're just being, you know, 18. I hear another thud. He comes out of the bathroom a moment later and I hear her crying. Hes visibly upset now. I get up and go over to the bathroom. I ask her whats up, she says to go away. I go get my coat and ask him whats up. He says something along the lines of she was upset about him not defending her on the phone to that chick. She tried to leave the bathroom and he tried to stop her apparently. I go back to the bathroom and ask her if we need to go on a walk or something. She says no. I start getting her things together, assuming I'm about to take her home (I'm the only one with a car). She comes out and asks me to leave. (She only lives like 3 blocks away, so walking home isn't a weird thing)

I'm kinda surprised by this. I ask her if shes sure. She says yeah. I wait a sec, giving her her things kinda slow. I ask her again if shes sure. She says yeah, shes sorry.

So, I give her the rest of her things and show myself out. This was something I was really not comfortable doing, to be honest. I wait outside for a minuite or two (one radio song, to be more exact), but after nothing happens, I leave.

I live 45 minutes away from them, but have no phone, so she has no way to text me until I'm home. I make it home in all of 30 minutes. No text. I text her, asking her to text me tonight. Nothing. I wait a few. I send another one. Nothing. I send HIM a text asking if shes still there. Nothing from him either, and he usually answers.

Thats where I am right now. I feel like I shouldn't have left. I really want her to text me and let me know shes home or something. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do aside from sit here and wait. I don't like this at all.

[Innis Cabal]

And today was going so damn good...

OK, so today me, one of my two very close personal friends and her boyfriend were hanging out. My friend (refered to from here on out as she/her) had finally saved out enough money to get herself an Ipad so the three of us headed out to the mall so she could get it. On the way there, her boyfriend (him/he from here on out) remembered a previous activity he needed to do, so we dropped him off and just the two of us went.

We go get it and spend a bit of time wandering the mall. Everything is good, shes excited and all that. We go get him since he's done with his thing now and we head out to Dennys for some food.

We eat. Everything is cool. Smiles, laughs, hugs, what have you.

We swing by Walmart, buy a movie (Scott Pilgrim) and head to his house to watch it. We start watching it. They're laying down together cuddling and we're all watching it and everything is good.

He gets a call. Doesn't know the number so he doesn't answer it. They call back. Ingnored again. Third time. He says he doesn't know who it is, she asks if she can answer it. He says no problem. She does. She says something smartass and hangs up. They call back and he answers, putting it on speaker. Its some chick (someone he knew from school? Not sure.) She (phone chick) asks who answered the phone the first time, he says his girlfriend did. Phone chick says she sounded like a b---- and keeps on talking. She (friend) gets up (visibly irritated, at least, I noticed) and heads into the bathroom. He finished the call (it didn't last very long) and goes to get her.

Movie is still playing. I'm still just sitting there. I hear a bit of a thud. I listen in a bit now, but it sounds like laughing I hear. I assume it was nothing and they're just being, you know, 18. I hear another thud. He comes out of the bathroom a moment later and I hear her crying. Hes visibly upset now. I get up and go over to the bathroom. I ask her whats up, she says to go away. I go get my coat and ask him whats up. He says something along the lines of she was upset about him not defending her on the phone to that chick. She tried to leave the bathroom and he tried to stop her apparently. I go back to the bathroom and ask her if we need to go on a walk or something. She says no. I start getting her things together, assuming I'm about to take her home (I'm the only one with a car). She comes out and asks me to leave. (She only lives like 3 blocks away, so walking home isn't a weird thing)

I'm kinda surprised by this. I ask her if shes sure. She says yeah. I wait a sec, giving her her things kinda slow. I ask her again if shes sure. She says yeah, shes sorry.

So, I give her the rest of her things and show myself out. This was something I was really not comfortable doing, to be honest. I wait outside for a minuite or two (one radio song, to be more exact), but after nothing happens, I leave.

I live 45 minutes away from them, but have no phone, so she has no way to text me until I'm home. I make it home in all of 30 minutes. No text. I text her, asking her to text me tonight. Nothing. I wait a few. I send another one. Nothing. I send HIM a text asking if shes still there. Nothing from him either, and he usually answers.

Thats where I am right now. I feel like I shouldn't have left. I really want her to text me and let me know shes home or something. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do aside from sit here and wait. I don't like this at all.

So............

Let me get this straight. After a relativly good day with your friends and one of your friends boyfriends you went home and watched a movie together. Some chick called, upset your one friend because her boyfriend didn't stand up for her. She asked you to leave but you didn't want to, but you did in the end. You expected her to stop you or contact you after but she hasn't. And your unhappy.

1. She just had a fight with her boyfriend, which your not.

2. Again, your not her boyfriend, she's upset and wants you to leave because she wants to be alone

3. You, instead of leaving immediately after she asks press on and pester her. She again asks you to leave, you dawdle, but finally leave. For some reason your not ok with this even though she asked you to more then once when she should have only had to ask you the one time.

4. You sent a text to them both, neither answered after a big fight between the two of them and for some reason -your- upset about them not answering you.


What exactly is the problem here? That is exactly what your supposed to do, just sit there. Find something else to do and stop focusing on it. It really doesn't involve you. Your not a player in this little issue that's going on between them, your just a friend, not involved romantically with either of them and honestly they have no reason to involve you in their fight/make up/what ever they want to do at all.

If they want to talk to you about it later, let them. But don't hound them like your doing. It's just going to make them both madder, and they're going to take the anger they have at one another and focus it on you. I don't mean this to sound so harsh but...seriously.

[Serpentine]

I think the problem is, rather, that there is concern that violence may have been involved, and so he's worried about his friend/s. You make good points, but that doesn't mean Koury has no reason to be concerned, nor that he should be abused for being so.

[Innis Cabal]

I see no abuse what so ever...anywhere. Also, if there was physical violence (which...there's literaly nothing pointing to that save the "thumbs") then it would -STILL- not be his problem and pestering either party would still not only be completely unhelpful but exasperate the issue even more. He didn't note that she was hit, or that she was angry or that any sort of altercation happened. Which there would have been signs of. So...I think that's a totally unwarranted assumption with the information given.

[Koury]

Her not contacting me is unusual.

You'll excuse me worrying about my friend of six years after what sounded like some sort of physical fight with some new boyfriend, yeah?

[Cobra_Ikari]

I see no abuse what so ever...anywhere. Also, if there was physical violence (which...there's literaly nothing pointing to that save the "thumbs") then it would -STILL- not be his problem and pestering either party would still not only be completely unhelpful but exasperate the issue even more. He didn't note that she was hit, or that she was angry or that any sort of altercation happened. Which there would have been signs of. So...I think that's a totally unwarranted assumption with the information given.

Woah, woah, woah. Loud noises during fights ARE little tipoffs to abusiveness. Worrying about the well-being of a friend definitely falls into "friend" business. If it is an abusive relationship, her being hit or angry are not necessarily reactions that would be noticed.

It is perhaps a worst-case scenario for the info provided, but by no means an illogical jump.

Actually, lemme get back to something.


if there was physical violence then it would -STILL- not be his problem and pestering either party would still not only be completely unhelpful but exasperate the issue even more.

So, if his friend IS being physically abused, it's none of his business and he should just butt out? I...there are so many things I feel are wrong with that. I think at that point, you would almost be obligated to report it to the authorities, if nothing else.

[Innis Cabal]

As said above, nothing in your post indicated a physical altercation. Unless you've omitted things from the post that would lend credence to that, then I apologize for not knowing about it and only speaking on the issue with the information given.


I hear a bit of a thud. I listen in a bit now, but it sounds like laughing I hear. I assume it was nothing and they're just being, you know, 18. I hear another thud. He comes out of the bathroom a moment later and I hear her crying.

That's the part where any sort of "physical fight" could have occured. Some laughter, two thuds and some crying. No marks to indicate a hit or anything of the sort. There was -laughter-, frankly...no...there probably wasn't any hitting involved. One of them might have hit a wall or something, but no one was physically hurt from the sounds of it. Again, that's an assumption but you are frankly working off the same.

You'll note I also never said you weren't allowed to worry, but the fact of the matter remains that unless one or the other asks for you to be apart of what went down, don't get involved. Ya, it sucks but that's how it goes. Doesn't matter how long you've known anyone in the deal, if your not asked to get involved, don't. If she calls you tomorrow and asks for your advice or help go ahead and just go nuts.


Her not contacting me is unusual.

You'll excuse me worrying about my friend of six years after what sounded like some sort of physical fight with some new boyfriend, yeah?

Her not contacting you or her not contacting you after a seriously huge fight with her boyfriend in which she specifically asked you to go home is unusual.

[Innis Cabal]

Woah, woah, woah. Loud noises during fights ARE little tipoffs to abusiveness. Worrying about the well-being of a friend definitely falls into "friend" business. If it is an abusive relationship, her being hit or angry are not necessarily reactions that would be noticed.

It is perhaps a worst-case scenario for the info provided, but by no means an illogical jump.

Actually, lemme get back to something.

Um....no not always. There was....ya know...laughter like they were just being "18" as indicated by Koury. I also, again, never said not to worry. I said don't get involved. Totally different. Again, if there is other information that would indicate this is an abusive relationship, it wasn't given and thus...how am I to make any statements based on that?

But the "thumping noises", all of which -two- occurred, during a fight is not a screaming warning bell of physical abuse. He or she could have hit a wall because they were angry and were trying to release some of the stress. There could be a thousand mitigating issues outside this that...none of us know about. Always assuming abuse isn't healthy or helpful.




So, if his friend IS being physically abused, it's none of his business and he should just butt out? I...there are so many things I feel are wrong with that. I think at that point, you would almost be obligated to report it to the authorities, if nothing else.

If she is being abused, but he has no proof of it (which thus far in his post he -doesn't-, and she hasn't said anything to him...yes. He shouldn't get involved on assumptions. Thems the breaks. If she says something or he somehow finds out there really -IS- abuse going on, then he should get involved. And get the police involved as well because it's a criminal matter at that point.

[Koury]

Thank you, Innis, for your opinion. I suspect the laughter I heard was in fact crying, however.

And the thuds were -loud-. Someone else who was asleep at the time came out of their room to see what was going on.

Either way, he replied saying I could come back over. I asked him to have her text me real quick, she did. She said she was tired and was gonna talk to me tomorrow. I asked her a quick question about something from earlier today when it was just the two of us, she answered it (I've had people get other peoples phones in situations like this and say they were the other person. Call me paranoid, but I felt the need to verify).

So thats it. I guess I'm waiting til tomorrow to know what happened.

[Serpentine]

There was -laughter-, frankly...no...there probably wasn't any hitting involved..No. He said it "sounded like" laughter. Sobs can sound a lot like laughter, and that's what appears to've been the case.
Physical violence against objects and the like can be a warning sign of abusiveness. And your claim that someone has to have hard proof of abuse before they're allowed to take an interest is potentially dangerously incorrect. Someone only has to have a suspicion for them to look into it, even just to have it confirmed that there's no need for it. To do otherwise is to perpetuate abuse from people who happen to be good at hiding it.

[xPANCAKEx]

Koury

next time you talk to her, flat out ask "did he hit you"

if not - then the rest is none of your business

if he did - dont try to involve yourself and be the hero, point her in the direction of a domestic abuse hotline

google spat me out this number for the tacoma area:
Pierce County Domestic Violence HELPLINE at (253) 798 4166

[The Rose Dragon]

Koury

next time you talk to her, flat out ask "did he hit you"

if not - then the rest is none of your business

if he did - dont try to involve yourself and be the hero, point her in the direction of a domestic abuse hotline

Of course, it is quite common for abuse victims to lie about what happened if they don't justify it to themselves in the first place, so asking her won't necessarily get you the truth.

Still, it's a good start.

[Innis Cabal]

No. He said it "sounded like" laughter. Sobs can sound a lot like laughter, and that's what appears to've been the case.
Physical violence against objects and the like can be a warning sign of abusiveness. And your claim that someone has to have hard proof of abuse before they're allowed to take an interest is potentially dangerously incorrect. Someone only has to have a suspicion for them to look into it, even just to have it confirmed that there's no need for it. To do otherwise is to perpetuate abuse from people who happen to be good at hiding it.

1. It seems to have been, assuming is never a good thing though.

2. It -CAN- be a warning sign. But it isn't always. Erring on the side of caution is a good idea, but if someone is physically abusive confronting them on it is -dangerous- and you should get someone -else- to deal with it who is trained to. Like the police.

3. They -do- have to have hard evidence there has been abuse to deal with it in it's proper avenue's. For a lot of reasons that can't be stated on the board here, but the major one is that the Police (at least in America) can't act without probable cause. There doesn't seem to be any here thus they can't act.

4. They can be suspecious all they want, legally they need evidence. Period.

5. That happens all the time sadly. The thing is, the reason it happens so much is that the authorities are not allowed to get involved unless there is evidence that it's going on. All they can do is go and ask them. Which...well I'll address that in bulk.


Alerting a potentially physical abuser (or any abuser for that matter) that someone is on to them is incredibly dangerous to the person or people they are abusing. If they're not caught (and they can just lie to the police and cow the people their abusing to as well because that's a fairly common thing) they're going to assume either one of the people their abusing ratted them out and hurt them more, or get even sneakier and then they won't get caught period.

Speaking from personal experience, when someone asks you flat out "are you being abused" my answer was "no" because I was terrified if the person who abused me found out I'd told someone, my life would be an even more miserable hell hole then it already was. If someone, without my permission or knowledge, went to someone -else- for help, I'd feel betrayed and angry.

[Malfunctioned]

So me and that girl....we're kinda....

Somewhat together, if not together than that bit just before the relationship actually starts.

The annoying thing is that I could of seen her today. Today also happens to be the one day where I decided to concentrate on getting some work done. Work which I'm still doing despite her invite to go see her earlier tonight.

I am either very dedicated or an idiot.

I'm gonna go with the second one. :smalltongue:

[Innis Cabal]

Pictures or it didn't happen :smalltongue:

[Coidzor]

The annoying thing is that I could of seen her today. Today also happens to be the one day where I decided to concentrate on getting some work done. Work which I'm still doing despite her invite to go see her earlier tonight.

I am either very dedicated or an idiot.

Or both, Mr. Could Have. :smallwink:

Well, just remember, gotta balance between always coming running (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCIEO__Vyic) and leaving the woman lonely. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klhK_4evO5c)

[Malfunctioned]

And now it seems that that's not what happening.

Or maybe it is.

Gah.

Confusion. So much. :smallfrown:

EDIT:: My god this girl is confusing. I'm just gonna ask her out now to avoid any more confusion.


Wow. Confusion makes me assertive. Yay! :smallcool:


EDIT 2:: And now I'm too late. A few seconds and another guy got there first. GAH DAMMIT. :smallmad:


On a side note, how unethical would it be for someone who's very good at manipulating people but hates doing so too.....change certain peoples minds about certain decisions?

Completely theoretically of course..... *cough*

[Coidzor]

Well, some kind of formal declaration of intent and interest is generally considered necessary.

Good luck.

[Malfunctioned]

This is just a quite odd situation I seem to be in now.


She pretty much 'just' taken now. Except she does like me. The messages we've been sending even after that are pretty much saying that there's still a chance for us.

If I'm right this other guy is pretty much the reason I got to know her anyway, considering we started talking after she was pretty much abandoned by him when they had plans after college.

So yeah. I may have to use my full charismatic powers if I do try and do what I'm thinking of doing. But I'm just not sure if I should.

EDIT:: (Hah yes I know this all seems kinda rambly but this is how my mind is basically going at the moment. :smalltongue:) So I've come to a conclusion, this new girl is off the table, B is there.

B; the cute, smart, funny, very nerdy and just plain awesome girl who looks quite more than a bit like Bonnie Wright.

I'm an idiot....well, perhaps not an idiot but at the very least I'm easily distracted, I guess I'll have to work on that.

And so I have a course of action, ask out B. This week it shall be done.

Until then RWA thread, thank you for your help and time. :smallbiggrin:

[xPANCAKEx]

Malfunctioned

you know, you could just stay single? you dont HAVE to get yourself into a relationship

[Starbuck_II]

This is just a quite odd situation I seem to be in now.


She pretty much 'just' taken now. Except she does like me. The messages we've been sending even after that are pretty much saying that there's still a chance for us.

Don't wait for a taken girl.
How'd you like it if someone took your girl? Not a very good idea.
If it happens it happens, but don't factor it till it does.


EDIT:: (Hah yes I know this all seems kinda rambly but this is how my mind is basically going at the moment. :smalltongue:) So I've come to a conclusion, this new girl is off the table, B is there.

B; the cute, smart, funny, very nerdy and just plain awesome girl who looks quite more than a bit like Bonnie Wright.

I'm an idiot....well, perhaps not an idiot but at the very least I'm easily distracted, I guess I'll have to work on that.

And so I have a course of action, ask out B. This week it shall be done.

Until then RWA thread, thank you for your help and time. :smallbiggrin:

Stay with B if she is so awesome... good luck with B.

[Syka]

Malfunctioned

you know, you could just stay single? you dont HAVE to get yourself into a relationship

I was trying to figure out a way to say this. If you are having trouble deciding, do you really want any of them?

[Dallas-Dakota]

So my girlfriend just got my ex's msn, they semi-know eachother. My ex and I are still good friends.

I'm still scared ****less for some reason.:smalleek::smalltongue:

[Cobra_Ikari]

So my girlfriend just got my ex's msn, they semi-know eachother. My ex and I are still good friends.

I'm still scared ****less for some reason.:smalleek::smalltongue:

This is because two women you know may or may not be conspiring. Don't worry, the fear is normal, and probably justified. :smalltongue:

*hugs*

[Fax Celestis]

...can I get some advice on my previous post? It seems to have gotten lost in the flurry of posts around Koury's problem.

[Malfunctioned]

Don't wait for a taken girl.
How'd you like it if someone took your girl? Not a very good idea.
If it happens it happens, but don't factor it till it does.


Stay with B if she is so awesome... good luck with B.

Well to cut a long story short..... The guy that asked her yesterday before I did? He stood her up, lied about being ill and was around another girls house instead and told her he still had feelings for his ex.

I have a lunch-date-thing with her tomorrow now.


Malfunctioned

you know, you could just stay single? you dont HAVE to get yourself into a relationship

I was trying to figure out a way to say this. If you are having trouble deciding, do you really want any of them?

I know this. It's just that I develop attractions quite easily and well, I like being in a relationship. I wouldn't just try to enter a relationship with people that I have nothing in common with or don't have any attraction to, but if there is someone that I do have an attraction to then I don't see why not to pursue it.

[DeadManSleeping]

...can I get some advice on my previous post? It seems to have gotten lost in the flurry of posts around Koury's problem.

You wanted advice? It looked like more of a "woe" than an "advice"

Anyway, here's a shot at it.

It's hard to tell people to GTFO of your life, isn't it? Not only are we psychologically built to not do that, but it's especially awful when you've got parents involved. But it sounds like they're causing you a lot of grief.

From your mother's communiques, it sounds like you've already gotten to the point where the issue is believed to be that you interact at all, nothing to do with the manner in which you interact. If it were possible to step back from that, I'd advise doing so, but from a realistic point of view, once that idea is out there, it's never going away.

I'd personally advise against completely cutting off your parents. It will have some short-term benefits, but honestly, there will be a point in your future, probably not far off, where you'll never again be able to say "I'm glad that I don't talk to my parents anymore". Let's discount that as an option for now.

The only possible solution I can think of is to find a way to positively encourage your parents to interact with you and your wife in positive ways. There are certain things that are good for parents to do. Let them know what those are. If they do them already, let them know how much you appreciate it, and they'll probably do them more.

If you respond positively to SOME behaviors, then action is encouraged. If you respond negatively to OTHER behaviors, those behaviors are discouraged, but the encouragement of interaction at all still exists.

Oh, and I know I'm making it sound simple, and I know that only a dunderhead would think it's easy. You're looking at a stressful, difficult road here. But I think you'll be happier, in the end, if you go through with it.

[MountainKing]

...can I get some advice on my previous post? It seems to have gotten lost in the flurry of posts around Koury's problem.

I'll take a shot at it, mate (I too, noticed that you'd been missed, but I don't feel like delving into the "maybe he hit her!" "maybe he didn't!" thing; I've far too many warnings and such for that one xD).

You feel like you failed; to be perfectly honest with you dude, after the things you said, and the feelings you expressed last time... You kind of did. Don't let that bring you down too hard though, for one simple reason: it's perfectly understandable. Maybe it's the fact that it was a mediated discussion, and it's tied to the skill of the mediator. Maybe it was being face to face with your parents like you were. It's kind of hard to say without having actually been there. The fight got taken out of you, is all. It's not an easy thing, to face down somebody you love/care about/have feelings more positive than Orwellian social horror toward, and say "Hey, they way you're acting is BS. Why are you hurting me like this?" and so on.

So, *hugs*. Don't give up on it, mate. Give it another try, and see how you feel then.

[Syka]

This is because two women you know may or may not be conspiring. Don't worry, the fear is normal, and probably justified. :smalltongue:

*hugs*

Oz always got a slightly panic stricken look if me and his ex were talking for any length of time just the two of us. It was actually mildly amusing.:smalltongue:

In all seriousness, if you are still good friends with your ex, your girlfriend probably feels better getting to know her better. Oz and his ex used to be really good friends (lot less contact now) and seeing how they interact is why I'm actually friends with her now. Every now and then he'll come up as a topic, but normally it's other stuff that is completely different.

When she had a bad break up, I was actually one of the main ones to help her through it. I know it's kinda weird, but having your current and your ex be friends doesn't have to be bad. :)

[xPANCAKEx]

So my girlfriend just got my ex's msn, they semi-know eachother. My ex and I are still good friends.

I'm still scared ****less for some reason.:smalleek::smalltongue:

in this situation you should only be scared if theres a REASON to be scared, such as you didnt end things well/behave appropriately during your last relationship and have yet to disclose that to your current partner (although in fairness sometimes it does fall under the "its none of their business" catagory)

your gf and your ex are aquaintances anyway - let them get on with it, dont pry and dont interfere, else you'll come across as insecure and this starts up a "no smoke without fire" mentality and your girlfriend may start looking for issues where there arnt any

[Cobra_Ikari]

Oh, yeah, it's probably nothing to ACTUALLY worry about. The last time two of my close female friends met and hit it off, though, they actually did conspire to teamkill me over and over in amusing ways. =P

*hugs* You should be fine. =)

[Starbuck_II]

<_< Didn't see there was a new thread....

For those of you following the Fax Parental Dramafest 2010, I present last night's latest addition:

My wife and I met with my parents at a counselor's session. We agreed to not talk about specifics, but I will say one thing: at the end of the session, we were each asked by the counselor individually if we were willing to go to further sessions to work on the relationship. Unsurprisingly, my mother gave a noncommittal "not really" answer and my father gave a "yes". My wife, equally unsurprisingly, said "not for a long time".

This is the part I have trouble with: before the session, I was convinced I was seeking an apology and a goodbye, nothing more. But once we got into the session and I saw my parents, I wasn't so certain, and without my resolve to back me up, I waffled and said "maybe, when I'm not so angry".

Now I feel like I've betrayed both myself and my wife, and I fear I may get roped into additional meetings that I'm not fully committed to and my wife doesn't want to go to at all.

tl;dr I felt better about everything yesterday, before the meeting, and now I feel like a new pokemon evolution: Sighduck.

Wow, you have serious stuff. (reading previous link)

On Sept 20: You really shouldn't have avoided replying to mom: basically say I'll ask when I can (busy). But hind sight 20/20.

Sept 21: Your mom is passive agressive.

So you are going to a counselor to ease the tension between you 4?
Why not ask at the session (since you are face to face): why a blog was so important (same could be said for your wife)?

That is the appropriate time to speak of the event since it semed to trigger something.
Did you guys have tensions between you 4 prior to that event?

[Cobra_Ikari]

This is a friendship and a woe thing, not really sure what to do.

Anyway, I used to hang out with someone a lot, this awesome girl, somewhat younger than me. I rather thought of her as a little sibling replacement (because my actual little sister is an abusive nightmare), but never told her so. We stopped being able to hang out for about two months due to me being busy and forgetting to contact everyone, and we fell out of contact. Once I had some free time, I sent a text about missing hanging out and that we should do so again sometime...

...which she somehow interpreted as me having a thing for her, and now she won't talk to me so that I can clear that up. =\

Is just a weird feeling.

[DeadManSleeping]

she somehow interpreted as me having a thing for her, and now she won't talk to me so that I can clear that up. =\

How do you know she interpreted it that way? That's an unkind thing to guess offhand. Maybe she's too busy to call/text you back?

Sadly, I have no advice on how to deal with girls who don't want to talk to you because they know/think you have a thing for them. It causes problems for me, too.

And people wonder why I never ask girls out.Well, no, they don't wonder, but they would if they cared

[Cobra_Ikari]

How do you know she interpreted it that way? That's an unkind thing to guess offhand. Maybe she's too busy to call/text you back?

Sadly, I have no advice on how to deal with girls who don't want to talk to you because they know/think you have a thing for them. It causes problems for me, too.

And people wonder why I never ask girls out.Well, no, they don't wonder, but they would if they cared

Because she told her brother and he raged at our mutual friends about it. >.<

But really, wouldn't asking me have been so simple? Ah, well.

[Coidzor]

Is just a weird feeling.

Yeah, having someone who was established as well entrenched in the category of people who are friends think the worst of you out of the blue always reminds me of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTj6tauY1JU)*.

*Only, y'know, sans pornography starring anyone's mother. Or the humor.

If she won't listen to you or your proxies, then it merely serves to show that she never really was on your side. :smallfrown:

Brother certainly sounds like a wuss if he complained to his friends about it though. :smallconfused: One has to wonder what she claimed you said or did that would provoke such an attempt to turn a large group of people against you.

[Fax Celestis]

So you are going to a counselor to ease the tension between you 4?
Why not ask at the session (since you are face to face): why a blog was so important (same could be said for your wife)?That was brought up and discussed. Not resolved, though.


Did you guys have tensions between you 4 prior to that event?Every three months, like clockwork: we'd see them, and I'd get a phone call two days later with a complaint about her. :smallannoyed:

[xPANCAKEx]

Cobra_Ikari

Dont get too stressed, you're innocent until proven guilty on this one. If anyone asks about it, just calmly set em straight, tell them you view her more as a little sister type (if you can voice that with a tone of disgust it will add weight to the whole "liking your little sister is ew" undertone).... If you throw a hissy fit about it then people will think you're trying to cover your embaressment at being shot down (even though its not the case), where as if you keep

Infact in all fairness if she thought you had more-than-just-friendly intentions, and shes supposedly such a good friend why did she not just say "im sorry i dont like you in that way" then you could have set the record straight there and then. Instead, shes made assumptions about you, not talked to you, caused drama with your friends by telling her brother (hey, if youre family, you know how likely your siblings are to go mouth off about something). Besides, if she thought you had feelings before, why was it not a problem to hang out then, but is now? Unless you said something really out of hand in your txt shes hardly going to think out of the blue "oh he must be into me"

in all right, i'd actually be pretty peeved at her

as it stands, its up to her to set things right, not you

[Quincunx]

Fax Celestis: Blogs are text. Blogs are published. Blogs are permanent. Contrast this with the mindset of the woman who's ready to forget her ill behavior of yesterday. (As a side note, she will endeavor to roast you in hellfire should she become aware of the existence of this thread.) Tell them all that if you can't get peace you will have an outlet, and if the outlet isn't talking in front of a stranger, it will be writing.

[Malfunctioned]

Date went well.

Extremely well.

A 9/10 according to her, especially from a first date.

Malfunctioned is now incredibly happy.

That is all.

[Fax Celestis]

Fax Celestis: Blogs are text. Blogs are published. Blogs are permanent. Contrast this with the mindset of the woman who's ready to forget her ill behavior of yesterday. (As a side note, she will endeavor to roast you in hellfire should she become aware of the existence of this thread.) Tell them all that if you can't get peace you will have an outlet, and if the outlet isn't talking in front of a stranger, it will be writing.

Oh, we did. And as for finding this thread (if she hasn't already :smallsigh:), I find myself not caring. I've stayed within the bounds we agreed to at the meeting, and I've taken care to describe how I feel without describing what I think they are.

Still, I am nearing that "I am done" point, where I just don't want to even bother with the hassle of trying to make the relationship work because it is too much for too little.

[Coidzor]

Ok, playground. I'm at a loss. I just received a text message from my best friend asking for advice. He feels that there's going to be a breakup imminent with his new girlfriend (they've been together maybe 3 months if that) over "projected difficulties w/ raising a family." In additiion to friction over religious differences that didn't stop them from getting together in the first place. Is it just me or is that utterly ****** for either of them to bring up in the first place as a topic this early on and especially borked for the both of them to get distracted from the initial getting a feel for one another by getting bogged down with something that's by definition of the place they are in life far off unless they manage to mess things up badly.

But more to the point of my post... I have no idea what to say now that I've been asked for help and advice

[Quincunx]

This unfortunately looks like one of those times where the advice-giving part of the brain is advised to put a cork in it. That conversation was inevitable, and now that it's been had, it's extraordinarily difficult to ignore and will loom over the relationship until they get to the point where they must answer that conversation. No way forward without pain. . .and no advice from me.

[xPANCAKEx]

Ok, playground. I'm at a loss. I just received a text message from my best friend asking for advice. He feels that there's going to be a breakup imminent with his new girlfriend (they've been together maybe 3 months if that) over "projected difficulties w/ raising a family." In additiion to friction over religious differences that didn't stop them from getting together in the first place. Is it just me or is that utterly ****** for either of them to bring up in the first place as a topic this early on and especially borked for the both of them to get distracted from the initial getting a feel for one another by getting bogged down with something that's by definition of the place they are in life far off unless they manage to mess things up badly.

But more to the point of my post... I have no idea what to say now that I've been asked for help and advice

i dont see it lasting long. YES their values may change in future where-by accomadating each others differences may be possible... but right now those changes do no exist. It will cause too much resentment now for things to continue

[MountainKing]

Ok, playground. I'm at a loss. I just received a text message from my best friend asking for advice. He feels that there's going to be a breakup imminent with his new girlfriend (they've been together maybe 3 months if that) over "projected difficulties w/ raising a family." In additiion to friction over religious differences that didn't stop them from getting together in the first place. Is it just me or is that utterly ****** for either of them to bring up in the first place as a topic this early on and especially borked for the both of them to get distracted from the initial getting a feel for one another by getting bogged down with something that's by definition of the place they are in life far off unless they manage to mess things up badly.

But more to the point of my post... I have no idea what to say now that I've been asked for help and advice

>_>

Dude, I think your friend needs a good smack upside the head. Less than three months, and they're talking about raising a family together? What the Hell? Tell your friend that he needs to realize that he does NOT live in Speed. The metaphorical bus will NOT explode if it goes slower than 55. :smallannoyed:

[Quincunx]

Yeah, but that's advice for the next relationship, 'cause it can't be un-seen in this one.

[MountainKing]

Yeah, but that's advice for the next relationship, 'cause it can't be un-seen in this one.

Heh, wait what, I'm more the optimist this time than Quin is? What on Earth is happening? xD No, realistically speaking, you're right. They've already gazed into the Abyss, and now the Abyss is gazing back into them... but I still think that with a little time, space, and solid communication, they can recover.

[xPANCAKEx]

for some couples, family values are very important. Even in this day an age of fancy computers and automobiles, some people still get together with one of the primary intentions being to find a suitable person to raise a family with

i may not share their values, but if someone had such vastly different ethics/choices to me that i saw any form of future with them being difficult at best i'd consider calling it off too. Dating someone is one thing, but having a relationship requires commitment, and you cant blame someone for not wanting to commit when you think "am i really going to want to be with this person in 2 years time?"

[MountainKing]

I feel strongly that, while sure, the commitment aspect is very important, time is very necessary. I can't fathom people who claim they know somebody so well that they can see spending the rest of forever with them after any period of time less than a year, *especially* without actually living with the person for a length of time longer than a week. Religious/faith/spiritual beliefs aside, the divorce rate (at least here) is far, far higher than it ought to be, and I think a lot of it has to do with people just rushing headlong into committed relationships without bothering to actually learn who this other person really IS.

[Syka]

I don't think it's necessarily bad they were discussing family that early. Oz and I were discussing sex and our feelings about it, etc, within the first week of dating. By two months he mentioned he'd like to get married (eventually some day way down the line definitely not right now). Kids have been brought up a handful of times, also early in the relationship.

It's not "Lets have a family together!" but more "What's your thoughts on X?" Like, I know if we have kids, he would want more than one. He knows if we have kids, my max is 2 and the tubes be getting tied after that. We learned this within the first few months. If he had his heart set on a big family...well, seeing as I'm ambivalent on having kids anyway, I'd probably have to end the relationship. I wouldn't want to make that compromise, nor would I want him to sacrifice such a dream.

I know that even though he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he's skittish about marriage. If I was someone who put a lot of stock in getting married, I can tell you right now- we wouldn't be working, and finding that out sooner than later is good.

On the other side of the spectrum, our very conservative and traditional friend was with a girl for a good bit who is a bit of a commitmentphobe. Their relationship ended because she just couldn't handle the level of commitment they were getting to, where as I'm sure he could see himself marrying her. He's still shocked Oz and I aren't any closer to tying the knot, despite knowing us for years. Their way's of going about relationships were just totally different and, despite being very happy together otherwise, it didn't work.

It's just whatever the two people are comfortable with. Obviously, how they want to raise their family is important. It's not saying they want to raise a family with each other Right Now, but that before proceeding further in the relationship they want to know if it is worth it. No matter how well they get on, if they have vastly different views of how to raise children...there will be major difficulties, and I wouldn't be surprised if it ended a relationship down the road.



EDIT: I could tell within three months I wanted to be with Oz for as long as we could be together. Did I consciously know him well enough? Certainly not. Would I have married him then? Hell no. But did I have that gut feeling it was just...right? Without a doubt. 3 years since then, and knowing him far better and with both of us having pissed each other off, and even being in a bit of a rough patch right now, I can't imagine wanting anyone else to be pissing me off in 50 years. :smallsmile:

[MountainKing]

Without a doubt. 3 years since then, and knowing him far better and with both of us having pissed each other off, and even being in a bit of a rough patch right now, I can't imagine wanting anyone else to be pissing me off in 50 years. :smallsmile:

I'm not ignoring the rest of what you said, I just wanted to state that this thread should have a warning label about heart asplosions. That's just cute. It really is. *hugs*

As for the rest? I'm generally a pretty intuitive, impulse driven person, so I can definitely agree with what you're saying, and where you're coming from... I guess, in my own way, I've altered my views on the matter because frankly, the divorce rate is flat out depressing, and it seems like a good chunk of that would just cease to be if people would just slow down and think.

[Syka]

Most certainly it would. No matter how many butterflies someone gives you, is it really right.

I have a friend who met/began dating her fiance last year around Halloween time. Within about 6 months they were engaged, and they are getting married early next year I think.

Oz's good friend was engaged to her ex within three months. They were together about 2.5 years and the wedding had been pushed back twice. They ended up breaking up, for good reason. If they'd stuck with the original date, they'd've been divorced rather than just broken up.


I know sooo many people- male and female- who are in such a rush to get married. I understand people give a relationship more legitimacy then, etc. But...really? If you want to be with the person the rest of your life, why not wait until you've been together long enough to see how each other grows and if you not only want to, but CAN, be with the person for the rest of your life.


I'm not advocating rushing in to stuff, quite the opposite. I'm just saying that discussing major aspects of your future life isn't necessarily bad, and can actually be helpful towards finding someone compatible.



Also, it's true. :smallredface: I never saw a future with my ex. I wanted to be with him and all that jazz, I could just never picture being 70 with him. I figured it was more normal pragmatism at work. With Oz, I have since very early in the relationship. I can see us at 70-something and me yelling at him for being mean to the kids on the lawn. :smallwink:

Edit: It also wasn't until him that I could see myself maybe wanting kids. Kids are my big boogeyman. In a similar vein, marriage is his boogeyman, and apparently the effect he has on me with kids, I do the same thing to him with marriage. x.x I guess it's a good sign? Even though neither of us really wants to admit it to anyone else?

[Lillith]

To be honest I can understand why people would want to talk about kids early on in the relationship. With that I don't mean like 'our first kid will be named...' but more like what your ideas are about them. With my current bf, because we're in a LDR we discussed the subject briefly early on during the phase that we knew we were interested in each other. This to me is kind of important because I don't want any kids. While I know I might change my mind in the future I do believe that this mindset will stay the same. It would not be fair for the boy to spend lots of money on a ticket only to find out the girl he's interested in does not share his uh... family values.

So yes, people can talk about that early in the relationship. It's good to know what/who you're dealing with.

Coidzor: If your friend finds it that there's not compromise to be made with this person, might as well count your losses and quit. It's a big point in a relationship later on, it's no use to get deeply attached to a person only to find out your problems aren't solvable and the hurt to be even bigger.

[Coidzor]

Yeah, but that's advice for the next relationship, 'cause it can't be un-seen in this one.

I guess so. Sorta miffed at how stupid she was being and how he put up with it. Until they started dating. Then he finally realized, hey, there could be some issues here that would need to be worked on in order to have any kind of long-term success.

But, seriously, being too preoccupied by thinking about "Do I want to have kids with this person?" to enjoy their company suggests a problem with one's ability to perceive time and a set of priorities that would lead them into rushing into marriage with the first person who seems the right shape.

I don't know, it just...offends me on about the same level as someone who only views sex as a way to satisfy a selfish desire to have babies.

[Zeb The Troll]

[...] the divorce rate (at least here) is far, far higher than it ought to be, and I think a lot of it has to do with people just rushing headlong into committed relationships without bothering to actually learn who this other person really IS.Interesting fact: I just heard a radio story (http://www.wtop.com/?sid=2123049&nid=104) the other day about how fewer people are opting to make the leap to marriage than previously. More and more of those who do intend to marry are opting to live with their partner for an extended period of time as a step towards eventual marriage.


_About 44 percent of people say they have lived with a partner without being married; for 30-to-49-year-olds, that share rose to 57 percent. In most cases, those couples said they considered cohabitation as a step toward marriage.

[Coidzor]

Which brings to mind a cracked article that mentioned something about marriages happening that result in divorces mostly because people were too lazy to break out of the rut early on.

[absolmorph]

:smalleek:
The beginnings of a bad day are in the spoiler. More significant than my other posts in these threads.

Holy...
My Thanksgiving is off to a really, really bad start.
Annie got on Facebook after being off for about an hour and a half, and she'd mentioned that she wasn't very happy earlier. She said she couldn't talk about it when I asked.
And about half an hour ago, she told me that she wants to kill herself. Or rather, the only way she can think of to deal with her life is do die.
And I've spent the time since then trying to get her thinking on a different track and talking to one of my friends (who, unfortunately, has experience with this with which to give advice from) in order to avoid f***ing this up and get some comfort of my own.
This is probably the most terrifying night of my life.

On the bright side, the friend who I'm getting my comfort from is gonna give me a really big hug the next time I see her. So, I have something to look forward to.

[xPANCAKEx]

absolmorph

im not sure how serious to take annie at this point to be honest.

She doesn't half seem to crave being the centre of attention. You've gone through the recent adventure with e where she 'didnt realise' the negative effect her behavior would have on you until you really truely laid it all out flat for her. Now this: its thanks giving, a day where we're supposed to spend time with our family/loved ones and yet shes got your sole attention firmly focused on her. I may sound a bit harsh, but my views are coloured by recent experiance with a person very similar to what youre going through.

if shes genuinely suicidal, get her the number of a mental health care hotline for the area (google should spit one out at you in about 2 seconds flat) and make sure she rings them - you're not the person to help her at this point, a trained mental health care professional is

edit: And its a bit worrying that annie isnt the person who can provide you comfort. Yes, sometimes relationships with give and take are a bit more about giving when the other person is in hard times, but there always has to be some degree of give too. You need to restore the balance in your relationship

[Meg]

Hey. Never posted here before (never really had a reason to), so I'm sorry if I'm disrupting anything.

Anyway, I've made a mistake, and I'm conflicted about it. About two years ago, there was a boy who I was absolutely crazy about. He was my first love, and I haven't felt anything even remotely like what I felt for him about anyone since. We never really dated, but I know he like me, too.

Anyway, so two years pass, and one of my friends has a crush on me. I don't like him, but we get along pretty well. He wanted to ask me out, so I told one of my guyfriends to give him the go-ahead to ask me out. So the boy did ask me out, and I said yes. We haven't even been on a date yet, but I'm already freaking about it. I realized the other night that I'm still in love with the other boy. We go to different schools, so I've only seen him a few times in two years, but every time I see him, my heart starts beating like crazy and I freeze up and get all starey.

So I feel like I should break it off with the new boy, but we haven't been on a date yet, so it's awkward, plus it turns out that pretty much ALL of our mutual friends have been shipping us for a year. It's extremely awkward, and I have no idea how I should proceed. Advice?

[Starbuck_II]

So I feel like I should break it off with the new boy, but we haven't been on a date yet, so it's awkward, plus it turns out that pretty much ALL of our mutual friends have been shipping us for a year. It's extremely awkward, and I have no idea how I should proceed. Advice?

I think you shouuld give him a chance: that way neither of you will have "what ifs".

At least the one date.

[xPANCAKEx]

Meg

drop in when ever you feel like asking anything - theres no "take a number, wait your turn" rubbish here.

But as for what to do - you sound fairly young from everything you've said, so its possible that you're confusing infatuation with love - not that older people arnt capable of making the same mistake. You're hung up on the other boy pretty bad by all sounds of it, but as starbuck rightly suggested, go on one date. Its not like you're leading the new boy on: you obviously find him attractive else you'd never have agreed to the date in the first place.

And thats all a date is: a social occasion between two people who find each other attractive to see how they feel about the subject. If you come out the otherside thinking "nah, this guys not for me" - then let him down gently. You dont have to explain yourself, just say: "i dont think it will work"

if it works out, great. The past boy should have made a move when he had a chance. If not, then look up that boy from time gone by, to see how he is. He may be a completely different person by now

[absolmorph]

absolmorph

im not sure how serious to take annie at this point to be honest.

She doesn't half seem to crave being the centre of attention. You've gone through the recent adventure with e where she 'didnt realise' the negative effect her behavior would have on you until you really truely laid it all out flat for her. Now this: its thanks giving, a day where we're supposed to spend time with our family/loved ones and yet shes got your sole attention firmly focused on her. I may sound a bit harsh, but my views are coloured by recent experiance with a person very similar to what youre going through.

if shes genuinely suicidal, get her the number of a mental health care hotline for the area (google should spit one out at you in about 2 seconds flat) and make sure she rings them - you're not the person to help her at this point, a trained mental health care professional is

edit: And its a bit worrying that annie isnt the person who can provide you comfort. Yes, sometimes relationships with give and take are a bit more about giving when the other person is in hard times, but there always has to be some degree of give too. You need to restore the balance in your relationship
It was in the wee hours of the morning (it was 2 AM for me when I made the post).
I also gave her the number of a suicide help hotline. The advice I got from my friend was "Just talk to her."

And she wasn't the one I was drawing comfort from because of what was happening.

[Nameless]

I haven't said anything to anyone appart from one friend who nagged me for two days because I dislike having people know how I feel, and I've especially avoided posting anything here because I have a couple of friends that post here regularly, one of which I know uses this particular thread on a regular basis but I'm quite desperate, and I think I need to went out some stuff with out phycially saying anything so here I go;


Since I've started developing romantic feelings, I've always kept them locked away. I've had crushes, sure, but never anything more and I never really acted on my emotions. I usually find that keeping my emotions locked inside is better for me.
I met a girl last June while I was waiting outside for a gig. She didn't even know me, and offered me some of her home-made flapjacks. She was so damn beautiful, and I almost instantly fell for her. Of course, I didn't say anything, I never did, and thought this was no different then any of those other time. We became friens quickly and started meeting up a lot, usually on weekends. I really liked her. During summer, we were already good friends. My family left for two and a half weeks and she was away for a week. During this time, she wrote me a letter, one wich I still keep in the envelope pinned on my wall. I wrote her a letter back with a painting I did of her, me feelings really started to grow. When she came back, she came round to my house and stayed for a few nights, at first on her own when she blessed me with my firt kiss and I can still remember it now and how scared I was but also how amasing it felt. Long story short, even though I really liked her, I still didn't want to be in a relationship and we spoke online, she told me that she didn't want to either and we agreed to remain friends but still be romanticaly attatched. I can honestly say that this was the best summer of my life, I've never felt so happy and I could really be myself around her, my feelings constantly grew and I can even say that I completely fell in love with her. She was always so good to me and always made me feel so happy. She was in bad relationships in the past, and said that I was the first she actually had strong feelings for, but this was the first time she felt like she actually wanted someone. Of course it being me, no matter how much I wanted to tell her how I feel, I couldn't, I knew she had strong feelings for me, but she said she didn't want a relationship and I was scared of ending what we had. Looking back, I can honestly say that every minute I shared with her was amazing, and the best of my life. She completely broke through the wall I put around me and I could really be myself around her, becuase she accepted and liked me for who I was, I actually felt relaxed and like I could really be myself. I could be who I wanted and say how I felt, everything appart from how I really felt about her.
After Summer, we were already sort of togethor for about almost three months. But over a month ago, she went away with her college while I started my first year at uni to New York and during these five days, I actually worked up the courage to tell her how I feel. I wanted to envite her round or go round to hers, it didn't really matter and I wanted tell her so much. A week after she came back though and we still had no contactwith one another and I didn't see her online. I finally called her two days before the MCM expo because I had planned to stay round hers and go togethor round the next day, I was so exited to finally be able to see her but also worried about her reaction to what I wanted to tell her.
We spoke for the first time in three weeks and she told me she had met someone and was seeing him. She also said I couldn't stay round her house for different reason but I could meet her there instead. This, I think was the single most painful thing someone has said to me, I was so hurt but kept a brave face and prettended to be happy because we agreed that if this happened we wouldn't get upset. She also asked me if this guy could come and I said yes, she seemed so happy and even though I was upset I didn't want to throw back all the times she made me feel good in her face. I met them both at the expo and he seemed like a good guy, I held back from saying anything because I didn't want to hurt either of them. She did ask me what I thought of him, and I said Thst I thought he was a great guy, which he is. And I like him so I didn't want to hurt him and I really didn't want to hurt her. After they left, I think my emotions started to show, I was holding back from the rest of my friends, but I'm certain they know how I felt then, even if they didn't know the whole story. I came home on the train and then walked the rest of the way in the evening on my own. The next day after my family went out, I went into the kitchin and cried for the first time since a family member passed away several years back. I didn't tell anyone for the first week, but after a friend nagged me for two days and knows half the story I caved in and told her everything, at the moment, she's been a real help. It's been about a month since the expo. This friend convinced me to tell her how I felt and to forget about her boyfriend, and eventually, I did, I told her everything. She told me she was upset because the whole time she felt the exact same way. At times, I was a little cold to her because I was scared she'd work it out or I'd show it, and this gave her mixed messages, she was confused and eventually gave up and found someone else, even though she told me she still had those feelings for me. She said she didn't want to hurt him and has feelings for him too, that he gives her emotional support, something she needs. But she also told me she loved me and that she still did loved me. I told my friend and I think she may of have talked to her, because a week later she contacted me and we talked again, said a few things that were left out the last time. We remained friends regardless but we're speeking a lot less. I actually met her properly last week and we held hands for most of the night, it was the first time in weeks I was actually happy. And the end of the night, I told her I was sorry and we hugged ofr a while. We spoke again over Skype for the next couple of days, as friends. But even now, I'm completely paranoid. I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I've found it really hard to simply stand, I'm just so sad, Even during a really harsh year, this is emotionally far worse. I'm still completely in love with her,and she says she is too. The friend I was talking about before worked up the courage in me a couple of days ago to message her over Skype agin to tell her that I'm confused and fustrated because I'm not sure if she still has any feelings for me, or if she hates me, I really have no clue, I'm so confused. I con't stand by my self now. I keep almost falling over and I dread having to go to uni and only keep going because I paid for it and failing the course would mean Hell for me. But two days later and she hasn't been on. My friend even managed to get me to reluctantly call her even though I wasn't sure if she even wanted to hear my voice, or if she resented me, I keep feeling like I'm getting in the way of her life and hate myself so much for it. She was at her boyfreind and didn't want to get in the way, so I told her to come onine when she got home and had a minute. I think she knew something was wrong because of how I sounded over the phone, but even though she said she'd be on, it's she never came on. It's night the day after and she's still not on, so she hasn't had a chance to read my message. Right now, I'm terrifyed and shaking, I can hardly stand and walk. Eating makes me feel ill, I almost want to vomit after... I have to force breakfest down my throught. and if I'm not awake thinking about her then I dream about her. I can't get her out of my head, and to be honest, I've never been so sad in my life. And worse thing is I think I've been taking it out on the wrong people, but most of the time I can't get off my chair, let alone leave my room.
I'm just so confused, and it hurts my both mentally and physically. I wish so hard she I knew how she felt, because even if she hates me, it would be better the not knowing at all and I feel so deeply in love with her, I feel so small and pathetic, I promised myself I wouldn't go through any of this but she ripped through everything so easily. It seems that avoiding it was the cause of everything I'm feeling.


There. :smallsigh:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well I"m going to bed in a bit and don't have time to read the entire story(read half) and all I can is, I'm going to read and respond later and for now. *hugs* Hold on man, life is tough. But it'l get better sometime.

[Malfunctioned]

Nameless. All I can say is that I know what that is about without even having to read it, so make sure to correct me if I'm acting on the wrong assumptions.

It's tough man, I know it is, trust me I've gone through the same thing plenty of times. I knew at MCM what was up but just didn't want to press it.

All I can say is that I'm here whenever you need me dude, you have my number and plenty of other ways to contact me. I wish I could say more on here but I'll make sure to have to time for you if you need it.

I'll always be here for you man.

[Nameless]

Nameless. All I can say is that I know what that is about without even having to read it, so make sure to correct me if I'm acting on the wrong assumptions.

It's tough man, I know it is, trust me I've gone through the same thing plenty of times. I knew at MCM what was up but just didn't want to press it.

All I can say is that I'm here whenever you need me dude, you have my number and plenty of other ways to contact me. I wish I could say more on here but I'll make sure to have to time for you if you need it.

I'll always be here for you man.

Thank you.

I'd call her again and speak to her, but I don't want to be in her way for a third time. She say's she still has really storg feelings for me, and I don't want to be just another one of those boys that made her life Hell.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Nameless: Oh, sweetie :smallfrown:
I have stuff to say to this, my own personal thoughts, but I think they're better kept inside.
I don't trust girls, and reading this causes me not to trust this one, but you're hurting, so I don't want to make that any worse.

I love you, kid. Like a creepy older sister that sometimes makes inappropriate remarks.
It'll get better.

[Lillith]

...snip...

Alright I'm no expert about this at all so I bet other people's advice is much better but here goes.
I do know that sick nauseous feeling that involves stress/emotions/love. Don't really have a solution for it because I still struggle with it myself. Though from what this girl is doing I'm getting a bit of a feeling that she's struggling too. Comes across as a nice girl and everything. So maybe right now she's in the whole 'Go after the guy I'm crazy about and hurt the guy I'm currently dating/don't break up and hurt the guy I'm crazy about' dilemma.

This might explain why she hasn't come online yet because she herself is trying to make sense of things and in the end prolly a decision. Which might take some time.

But if your feeling is anything like mine if I'm like that, that's not really going to help. Since it's the feeling that won't stop until you have answers. I wish I could give decent help. ><

[Reinholdt]

*pops in just to give Nameless kitty hugs and cuddles*
Wish I had some proper advice.
Just make sure you get some food in you, alright? Things are usually a bit clearer if you aren't hungry.

[Nameless]

Nameless: Oh, sweetie :smallfrown:
I have stuff to say to this, my own personal thoughts, but I think they're better kept inside.
I don't trust girls, and reading this causes me not to trust this one, but you're hurting, so I don't want to make that any worse.

I love you, kid. Like a creepy older sister that sometimes makes inappropriate remarks.
It'll get better.

Thanks. But if you have something to say, I'd rather you do istead of just hiding it from me. I'm so tired of not knowing.


Alright I'm no expert about this at all so I bet other people's advice is much better but here goes.
I do know that sick nauseous feeling that involves stress/emotions/love. Don't really have a solution for it because I still struggle with it myself. Though from what this girl is doing I'm getting a bit of a feeling that she's struggling too. Comes across as a nice girl and everything. So maybe right now she's in the whole 'Go after the guy I'm crazy about and hurt the guy I'm currently dating/don't break up and hurt the guy I'm crazy about' dilemma.

This might explain why she hasn't come online yet because she herself is trying to make sense of things and in the end prolly a decision. Which might take some time.

But if your feeling is anything like mine if I'm like that, that's not really going to help. Since it's the feeling that won't stop until you have answers. I wish I could give decent help. ><

Thank you. I feel dreadful, Uness I sort this out I don't think i'll ever let anyone in again. I didn't mean for it to happen this time, and because it did it ended in everything I've tried to avoid for so long. I can bearly get through it this time, I don't think I could go through it all again. I feel so strongly about her, but just hanging around is painful.


*pops in just to give Nameless kitty hugs and cuddles*
Wish I had some proper advice.
Just make sure you get some food in you, alright? Things are usually a bit clearer if you aren't hungry.

I am hungry, but I feel like vometing after I've eaten anything. Thanks though.

[Lillith]

Thank you. I feel dreadful, Uness I sort this out I don't think i'll ever let anyone in again. I didn't mean for it to happen this time, and because it did it ended in everything I've tried to avoid for so long. I can bearly get through it this time, I don't think I could go through it all again. I feel so strongly about her, but just hanging around is painful.

Well before you do anything like that, might I suggest that you try to see this as a learning experience first. Alright, this situations sucks we got that. Now what I got from what you said that she said was that she wasn't sure if you wanted a relationship. You both had established you didn't want to, but I'm getting the feeling you two kind did. So that's like, lots of communication errors everywhere which ends up in her starting to date a different guy.

Going to tread as lightly as I can now. Say this thing doesn't work out (which we don't know, who knows you might feel the luckiest man on the planet by the end of this week!) then if it does happen again that someone manages to move you like this, you could take this as a learning experience. Make it clear to yourself what you want, talk with her etc. But if you really feel like you don't want a relationship/romantic interest/whatever you call it at all in the future that's of course your right and choice.

Honestly I wouldn't be able to do it, which is ironic because I'm a complete emotional shut in with absolutely no social skills and still some guy managed to get me to go nuts. So I guess in that aspect I can relate to you. However you're not me and I don't know you so I can't tell what's right or wrong. That said I do want to advice you that if this doesn't happen on a happy note you might want to consider if you a. truly want to be alone for the rest of your life and b. what you'd do if you do stumble on someone who rocks you off your feet.

[Nameless]

Now what I got from what you said that she said was that she wasn't sure if you wanted a relationship. You both had established you didn't want to, but I'm getting the feeling you two kind did. So that's like, lots of communication errors everywhere which ends up in her starting to date a different guy.

That's what she told me, but I now know she does. I now know she want a strong relationship and I think she only said that because I came out with it first. But I love her so damn much, I want to give that to her.


Going to tread as lightly as I can now. Say this thing doesn't work out (which we don't know, who knows you might feel the luckiest man on the planet by the end of this week!) then if it does happen again that someone manages to move you like this, you could take this as a learning experience. Make it clear to yourself what you want, talk with her etc. But if you really feel like you don't want a relationship/romantic interest/whatever you call it at all in the future that's of course your right and choice.

If this is how relatiohships end, then I'm not sure I want to go through it again. And right now at least, I can't feel attracted to anyone, let alone anything deeper.


Honestly I wouldn't be able to do it, which is ironic because I'm a complete emotional shut in with absolutely no social skills and still some guy managed to get me to go nuts. So I guess in that aspect I can relate to you. However you're not me and I don't know you so I can't tell what's right or wrong. That said I do want to advice you that if this doesn't happen on a happy note you might want to consider if you a. truly want to be alone for the rest of your life and b. what you'd do if you do stumble on someone who rocks you off your feet.

Spending the rest of my life alone is something which scares me, but all this... it emotionally hurts more then anything I've ever felt. I've been through some stuff before, some worse stuff, but I gave her my heart, and I know know what they mean by "heart-broken" because honestly, it really feel like that. And it's something which hurts me physically as well as emotionally. I even forgot to do my work a couple for uni a couple of times, which seems small, but it's something I've never done before and I promised myself I would do all of my work at the start of the year.

I've also learnt something new. I think that if she doesn't respond by tomorrow evening when I get back at 7, I'll call her. I can't really go on not knowing anything. I just hate getting in her way if she is happy.

[Lillith]

Yeah I can relate to what you're saying. I actually felt that way once about someone before I realized that he was abusing me emotionally and didn't care **** about me. (Not saying this relates to her) Though before that realization I was a complete wreck. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 2-3 kilo's in 3 days. Didn't even go to school for 2 days (I never EVER skip school). Also I was completely convinced that I'd never fall for someone else again. But that is natural at that point, you're hurt and wounded, you need answers/closure first and then after some time if needs be you can start to heal.

Also I know what you're talking about with feeling scared of being alone. I have that too and even know, while I enjoy having a relationship with my current BF I fear every single day that it will end and that it will end nasty. Personally it took me a long time and a lot of consideration to even think about dating the guy I'm currently dating. So yeah I think I can relate to the feelings you're having now.

Anyways if you ever feel the need to talk more (privately) my pm box is always open. I live in Europe though so I react during different timezones just and FYI. But I think people around here are prolly better at giving advice then me. The only thing I can tell you is personal experience and that I can relate. :smallsigh:

[Syka]

This is why communication is so important. Yeah, it hurts to put yourself out there, but if you hide how you feel often times this can result in further hurt- as you have discovered.

Now, she needs to learn this too. But as it stands, you screwed up and she screwed up. I doubt there were any bad intentions on either side.

Just...learn for the future. If you really like someone, go for it. Being rejected sucks, having a relationship end sucks. Not knowing what could happen and/or losing out on it because you didn't act in time can suck worse.

[Nameless]

I had a long talk with her just now. She said while she had the deepest of feelings for me, she doesn't feel the same anymore and is with someone else. I tried, but I don't want her to be with me unless she want to. I still love her, really, I do, and I think she still want to be friend but I feel so terrible, I don't know why I ever put myself out there.

Thanks anyway.

[RabbitHoleLost]

I had a long talk with her just now. She said while she had the deepest of feelings for me, she doesn't feel the same anymore and is with someone else. I tried, but I don't want her to be with me unless she want to. I still love her, really, I do, and I think she still want to be friend but I feel so terrible, I don't know why I ever put myself out there.

Thanks anyway.

Oh, sweetie.
You put yourself out there because of what could have been.
I'm sorry this didn't work out, but don't think of it as a reason not to put yourself out there again- see it as a reason to do so sooner.

[Coidzor]

So I feel like I should break it off with the new boy, but we haven't been on a date yet, so it's awkward, plus it turns out that pretty much ALL of our mutual friends have been shipping us for a year. It's extremely awkward, and I have no idea how I should proceed. Advice?

You don't like him. You aren't interested in him. And you're doing it because he wants you and your friends are pressuring you into it. If my analysis of the situation is correct, you need to break it off and tell him that you don't like him in that way, or go on the date, don't let him try anything and then give it to him straight and tell your friends to stop trying to get you together with someone you're not interested in.

Though, I must say, I am a bit confused, why did you tell someone else that it was ok for him to ask you out if 1. he wasn't up to asking you out without getting a proxy to find out for him and 2. you aren't interested? :smallconfused:

As to how to gauge whether this other guy still remembers you, if he's willing to try with you, and if you're willing/able to put in the necessary effort and time... I can't really advise you there, sorry. As far as I can see.... you're probably going to have to talk to him and then bring it up in the flow of the conversation and deal with him mostly on a direct level. Probably coffee-to-date level to start depending upon circumstances.

Nameless: My condolences. :smallfrown: That always sucks.

[Nameless]

Thanks, both of you. But I have have no idea how I got even up today, I don't want to go through any of this again.

[arguskos]

Thanks, both of you. But I have have no idea how I got even up today, I don't want to go through any of this again.
You know, I'm about to say some stuff that will likely get me yelled out by some folks, but frankly, I think you need to hear it.

Dude, dude, you need to prioritize here. Listen, Nameless, the facts of the situation are as follows:
-You screwed up.
-She screwed up.
-It's done.

The solution to what happened is to say to yourself "hell, that really ****ing sucked, let's *not* do that again". The solution is *not* to mope about it. Take it from a guy who did that way too long about someone he really shouldn't have, and payed for it by being miserable and boring for way too long. The longer you let this eat at you, the longer you're going to be messed up and unhappy. You NEED to force the cheer, force the interaction, and force yourself to put this on the backburner for a moment, until the shock and brute-force "ohgodwhathappened" feeling dims a little.

Don't bother with the high-minded "this is a lesson for the future" crap (though quite true), cause it's not comforting or helpful, nor what you need to hear at the moment, in the throes of "whygodwhy". That talk is for later, when the initial emotion has faded a little, and you can look at it more rationally and clinically.

You need to step away from this, force it to the back of your mind, and live a little. Go out drinking with some buddies, go do something you really enjoy, play sports if you like that. Odds are you won't enjoy whatever it is nearly as much, but it'll get your mind away from the incident, which is what you need right now. Our subconscious is very powerful, and will chew on things like this while our conscious fiddles around and lies to itself. In a day or two, when the rush of hurt and pain goes away a little, then come back to it and ask yourself some hard questions, like "What did I do wrong? How can I change from this? What can I learn here?"

For what it's worth, I've been in a few similar situations before, so I know the pain in question here.

Biggest thing to do right now is to give it time and space. Let your unconscious mind chew on the issue, it'll solve a lot of problems. Trick is to get your conscious thoughts off the situation, so do that and hit it again in a few days.

Don't think about stuff like "why did I get up today". You know why you got up today? Cause you did. Bam, answer. Now, get out there, go have a beer with the fellas or see a movie or eat a pizza or play a round of bowling or whatever it is you do, and get your mind thinking about other stuff.

[Coidzor]

Thanks, both of you. But I have have no idea how I got even up today, I don't want to go through any of this again.

Very few people would want to experience what you just went through, especially repeatedly. I would probably be afraid of them.

But, something I found was that I was always pleasantly surprised how much better things were if I managed to get out of bed when I had a bad spell there.

So the best thing for you is to keep on moving forward and being part of the world.

[Dusk Eclipse]

Ok... I need to tell someone this, and you guys are the best for this kind of things.

I am really depressed right now, because of a girl. I really like this girl, some might even say that I love her, though I a sure that isn't the case (at least not now). The thin is that I have been going out with this girl for some months, simple things like going to the movies, or going for a coffee; you know normal stuff that a high schooler does. Finally two weeks ago I gather courage and kiss her, she kisses me back, everything is nice, I feel... well I can't describe it, but I am sure you know what I am talking about. I ask her for a date the next day, she says yes.

She didn't talk to me for three days, finally she said we should talk because...well she didn't say why. I said yes.... I haven't received any kind of message from her since then. I tried to call her a few times, she didn't answer, msn? the same... eventually I just decided to give up.

The thing is that I still like her, I still think about her, and it torns my heart now knowing anything about her, or why she needed us to talk.

Sorry, I needed some venting. Thanks for reading I guess :sadsmile:

[Coidzor]

That's definitely a bewildering and cruel/unfair thing to do to someone, but them's the breaks with free will. :/

you have much passing, casual exposure to one another or pretty much nada without specially seeking her out? Because if the former, you might want to try walking different routes for a little bit to aid the process of getting her out of your heart and head.

[Adumbration]

Oh wow. Wow. So. I'm pretty well pleased at the moment. :smallbiggrin:

You probably don't remember it, but there was this girl that I've been seeing at parties, a few years my senior. Up until yesterday, we've just talked and danced a little.

Up until yesterday. We basically ended up dancing very close to each other, and made out pretty much the whole evening. My first kiss, but not my last one. I haven't got the faintest idea who seduced who. We were first at an academic party, separately, but we left together for the afterparty. She waited for me at the exit, which was very sweet, and hooked her arm to mine due to the icy roads.

At the afterparty, we danced, and she taught me a few moves that required close contact... Next thing I know, I'm nibbling at her ear. A fun night, all together. She told me she doesn't usually do something like this. She's a bit uncertain about what's next, since she has some sort of a thing going on with someone in her home town about 600 km away, but not really. It's complicated. She also asked to make sure that I wasn't taking it too seriously. I'm not. I think. I pretty much knew what I was getting into, or could guess at the very least.

We left separate ways after the party - it was almost dawn. I saw her today very briefly, with a smile. She returned my hat, which she had borrowed. No awkwardness that I could detect.

I'm hopeful, but I don't want to invest emotionally all the way just yet. There's a christmas student cruise that we're both attending next week. At the very least I'm several great experiences richer already. I know now what it feels like to have woman melting in your arms. I can't say for sure, but I think I'm a decent kisser. At least she kept coming back for more.

Did I mention I'm feeling pretty happy at the moment?

[Lillith]

Okay, I've never had to do this before, but I think I'm going to need some help.

I'm 17 years old, and have never had a girlfriend, or even a date, my whole life. This doesn't bother me, but I fear it's left me unprepared for something that came up recently: I was talking to a friend of mine, and he was telling me about a party he's having this weekend, it's sort of a couples thing that he and his girlfriend set up. But anyways, halfway through the conversation he kind of mention's that he wants me to go, because he was talking to his gf and her firend, and now I've kind of been set up. Yes, thats right, it's my first date ever, and its a blind date. This is code freakin' Red people!

I guess I should be thankful that a lot of my friends will be there to ease the tension, but I'm still uncertain about a lot of thing's (Conversation topics, kissing etc.), I mean, I've never even met this girl before!

If I'm going to go anywhere for relationship advice, it might as well be here. So, does anyone here have any tips on how to make things go smoother for an aspiring Romeo? Thanks in advance!

Not sure if this is allowed, but importing this from the old relationship thread who apparently wasn't locked yet. It's now locked but this guy still has a question and I'd feel bad if he doesn't get advice. :smallfrown:

[rakkoon]

@Adumbration: yeeha, good for you

@Logarr
I would say start slowly, just try to talk with her and connect (what does she do as a hobby, does she do sports, favourite tv show,...)
and if you go for the kiss, start with your mouth closed, no wet towels on the first kiss :smallsmile:

[Serpentine]

Make sure you converse! Ask questions, listen to the answer, give her multi-word answers in response. And never underestimate the value of a good smile.

[Syka]

This is just some stuff I found in a pamphlet from my old college that I thought was topical.

15 Quick Tips for Making a Relationship Work



1. Be yourself and take care of yourself.

2. Communicate in an open and honest manner.

3. Be actively concerned about your partner's growth and happiness.

4. Give equal importance to each other's thoughts, feelings, needs, and interests.

5. Do not attempt to control and/or manipulate your partner.

6. Treat one another as equals in the relationship.

7. Keep your life balanced.

8. Be honest, dependable, and trustworthy.

9. Express support, appreciation, and emotional warmth for your partner regularly.

10. Keep wants, needs, and expectations realistic.

11. Accept each other's individual differences.

12. Fight fair and resolve conflict through negotiation and compromise.

13. Learn to agree to disagree and not hold grudges.

14. Be flexible with change.

15. Enjoy each other and spend quality time together.


Healthy Vs Unhealthy Relationships


Healthy:

Treat each other with trust and respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Resolve conflicts safely and adequately
Do not control one another or resort to violence
Share in decision-making and compromise
Take interest in, are supportive of and encourage each other
Allow time for one's own interests and friends/family
Are sexual with one another by choice
Communicate clearly, openly and honestly
Enjoy the time spent with each other


Unhealthy:

Attempts to control and/or manipulate the other
Ridicules, name calls, and/or makes the other feel bad for himself/herself
Does not make time for the other and/or the relationship
Is afraid of the other's temper
Threatens to harm the other and/or objects of personal value (my addition: or him/herself)
Is physically, sexually, and/or mentally aggressive
Ignores or disregards the other when speaking
Is overly possessive and/or jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticizes the other's friends and/or family
Discourages friendships/relationships with friends and/or family



When a relationship feels rocky, ask...



How does each partner make the other feel?
Has the relationship been different in the past?
Have there been past problems that were left unresolved and are now surfacing?
Is there a current stressor that may be impacting the relationship, such as a recent move, job change, financial burden, or personal/family crisis?
What specifically seems to be bothersome?
What actions would help promote change and offer greater comfort in the relationship?
Can each partner discuss his/her feelings, fears, and concerns in a calm and rational manner?



Ways to cope with the loss of a relationship:



Take time to experience and express emotions like sadness, anger, or hurt, because denying these feelings will only prolong them*
Do not use guilt, self-blame, and/or bargaining to end the relationship, as one cannot control another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors.
Recognize and accept the reasons why the relationship ended.
Allow for time without high pressure or demands, and mobilize an effective support system.
Take care of oneself during the process through self-renewal and various self help practices.


*Not sure how I feel about this. I think for most people it definitely is better this way. For some, and you'll probably know who you are, dealing with it right away by being emotional may cause more harm then good. I know in my situation it would have. I suggest handling it in that case by making yourself busy and dealing with it little by little when you feel ready and know it won't cripple you for days.


I'd say not entirely perfect lists, but good enough guidelines.

[Nameless]

You know, I'm about to say some stuff that will likely get me yelled out by some folks, but frankly, I think you need to hear it.

Dude, dude, you need to prioritize here. Listen, Nameless, the facts of the situation are as follows:
-You screwed up.
-She screwed up.
-It's done.

The solution to what happened is to say to yourself "hell, that really ****ing sucked, let's *not* do that again". The solution is *not* to mope about it. Take it from a guy who did that way too long about someone he really shouldn't have, and payed for it by being miserable and boring for way too long. The longer you let this eat at you, the longer you're going to be messed up and unhappy. You NEED to force the cheer, force the interaction, and force yourself to put this on the backburner for a moment, until the shock and brute-force "ohgodwhathappened" feeling dims a little.

Don't bother with the high-minded "this is a lesson for the future" crap (though quite true), cause it's not comforting or helpful, nor what you need to hear at the moment, in the throes of "whygodwhy". That talk is for later, when the initial emotion has faded a little, and you can look at it more rationally and clinically.

You need to step away from this, force it to the back of your mind, and live a little. Go out drinking with some buddies, go do something you really enjoy, play sports if you like that. Odds are you won't enjoy whatever it is nearly as much, but it'll get your mind away from the incident, which is what you need right now. Our subconscious is very powerful, and will chew on things like this while our conscious fiddles around and lies to itself. In a day or two, when the rush of hurt and pain goes away a little, then come back to it and ask yourself some hard questions, like "What did I do wrong? How can I change from this? What can I learn here?"

For what it's worth, I've been in a few similar situations before, so I know the pain in question here.

Biggest thing to do right now is to give it time and space. Let your unconscious mind chew on the issue, it'll solve a lot of problems. Trick is to get your conscious thoughts off the situation, so do that and hit it again in a few days.

Don't think about stuff like "why did I get up today". You know why you got up today? Cause you did. Bam, answer. Now, get out there, go have a beer with the fellas or see a movie or eat a pizza or play a round of bowling or whatever it is you do, and get your mind thinking about other stuff.

I know I screwed up, and I know how much I hurt her, I don't think I could ever really forgive myself for it, I've put her through a lot because I wasn't sure how she was feeling. I know that I'm hurt emotionally, I don't think I've ever been this low. I can usually assess situations with logic, but right now, I can't. Wich is a first for me, I usualy try and succeed. The wall I put around myself for so long is down, and I have no protection now, before I had her to lean on but now I have no one. I just feel completely alone. I'm trying my hardest to do what you say, but it's been weeks and I'm starting to find it really hard. I want to go out with friends and enjoy myself, something you rightly said, but I just can't.
I've been through more then this, and the fact that a failed relashionship managed to get me into this state make me hate myself and question everything I believed in.
I appreciate you honesty though, it doesn't bother me if it was a little harsh, I need to hear the truth.

[Trog]

This is just some stuff I found in a pamphlet from my old college that I thought was topical.

15 Quick Tips for Making a Relationship Work


Healthy Vs Unhealthy Relationships


When a relationship feels rocky, ask...


Ways to cope with the loss of a relationship:


I'd say not entirely perfect lists, but good enough guidelines.

Pretty good guidelines indeed. And doing a quick litmus test on my past and present relationships with these guidelines finds me in my healthiest one yet, actually. Good news. :smallsmile:

[CynicalAvocado]

Nameless: listen man, if you really love her, and want her to be happy then the best thing to do is let her go. yes, it's gonna suck, but it's for the best. honestly, i wish i could word this better, but i cant.

[Coidzor]

Nameless: listen man, if you really love her, and want her to be happy then the best thing to do is let her go. yes, it's gonna suck, but it's for the best. honestly, i wish i could word this better, but i cant.

Hell, the best thing for HIM is to get her out of his everything.

[Nameless]

Nameless: listen man, if you really love her, and want her to be happy then the best thing to do is let her go. yes, it's gonna suck, but it's for the best. honestly, i wish i could word this better, but i cant.

I'm planning on doing that. It was hard enough to call her last night, now that I know that her feelings for me are gone, I don't think I could confront her with it again. Even though I really am completely in love wth her, it's more important to me that she's happy, and being with me will clearly only do to opposite of that.

[Syka]

Even if her feelings AREN'T gone, if she has chosen to be with someone else it would be rude and inconsiderate to confront her again.


This will be harsh but it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they do not want to be with you. Period. End of story. They owe you nothing. It sucks hard, but it's the truth and if you want to have interpersonal relationships of any sort, you have to accept that how YOU feel entitles you to absolutely nothing from the other person.


That fact of the matter is you both fell down on the job with communication. She followed your lead while wanting something different; you followed your own lead while wanting something different.

You know how to change this for the future- if you want to be with someone, do NOT wait.


I know you don't want to go out with friends right now and all. Force yourself to. Get your mind off of the wallowing misery. Once you get out there, you'll probably enjoy yourself. The next step is every day to force yourself to get out of bed. Make yourself eat something remotely healthy. Do at least one sociable thing.

One bad experience should not ruin everything for you that is romantic. You will like someone again, just make sure you learn from this experience when you get to that point.

[Nameless]

Even if her feelings AREN'T gone, if she has chosen to be with someone else it would be rude and inconsiderate to confront her again.


This will be harsh but it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they do not want to be with you. Period. End of story. They owe you nothing. It sucks hard, but it's the truth and if you want to have interpersonal relationships of any sort, you have to accept that how YOU feel entitles you to absolutely nothing from the other person.


That fact of the matter is you both fell down on the job with communication. She followed your lead while wanting something different; you followed your own lead while wanting something different.

You know how to change this for the future- if you want to be with someone, do NOT wait.


I know you don't want to go out with friends right now and all. Force yourself to. Get your mind off of the wallowing misery. Once you get out there, you'll probably enjoy yourself. The next step is every day to force yourself to get out of bed. Make yourself eat something remotely healthy. Do at least one sociable thing.

One bad experience should not ruin everything for you that is romantic. You will like someone again, just make sure you learn from this experience when you get to that point.

Thing is, I never wanted relashionship, and like I said before she was the only person to ever break that wall I forced up around me... And for the first time, the crave to hold someone is there, but I don't have anyone. And although half of me wants someone to share my life with, the other half of me doesn't want to go through this again and I really don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm worried that I will hurt them and that unlike this girl of whom, I believe, still wants to be friends, I'll loose them forever. That's something which to be honesr, scares me a lot. I don't want to hurt anyone.

[Syka]

You could still possibly get that, but you have to find someone who is willing to have a relationship without it being a relationship.

If that makes sense? Most people aren't going to just chill and be relationship-y with someone who will never want a relationship, etc.

Why don't you want a relationship with someone you like, by the way?


Also, super *hugs*.

[MountainKing]

The only thing I can suggest for you, Nameless, is that you need to quit focusing so hard on the negative. And yeah, that's hard to do; hard as balls... but reminding yourself constantly that you screwed up is never, ever going to get you out of the hole you're in right now. Being cognizant of the fact that she also screwed up doesn't make it any different; while you've been quite straightforward and honest about the lot of it, I can say with almost perfect certainty that you're blaming yourself for it all, and you're beating yourself up rather fiercely every time that you do it.

If you need to know how I can say something like that, without knowing *anything* about the real you, I'll tell you this: I can say what I am, because you are now the second person to post in this thread, whom sounds damn near identical to how I have sounded in the past, and how I sound in the present when I'm upset, and how I'll probably always sound.

I know I've used the reference already for something else, but I'll use it again anyway. You're beyond gazing into the Abyss at this point. Every time you let yourself sink and stay sunk, that's the Abyss gazing back into you.

You have friends. More close ones, I suspect, than I have. They're there for you to lean on, so do so, no matter how hard it can be to motivate yourself. Don't try to get with anyone strictly so you guys can hang out and have fun; you're not in the mindset for that, and anybody who knows you well should know that immediately. You need time to recover, and you need support while you do so, so don't go into things expecting everyone to have a ball. Go to your friends with the express intention of needing them, letting them know you need them, and letting them support you emotionally.

For example, if Mal is half the person I think he is, I think he would be the perfect place to start. He's already made the offer; don't be afraid of being a downer for now, Nameless. It's going to happen, because you *are* hurting right now. It's the real friends that are going to be willing to take that in stride.

Now, as I tell everyone who sounds like I do when I'm hurting: chin up, and keep a stiff upper lip. You are better than this.

[Nameless]

Why don't you want a relationship with someone you like, by the way?


Also, super *hugs*.

I avoided getting to close to anyone for this long because I wanted to avoid feeling the way I do now. Right now for the first time, like I said, part of me really wants to be with someone. But the other half is scared of this happening all over again, and what scares me even more is putting said person through what I put this girl. I despise myself for it.

*hugs back*


The only thing I can suggest for you, Nameless, is that you need to quit focusing so hard on the negative. And yeah, that's hard to do; hard as balls... but reminding yourself constantly that you screwed up is never, ever going to get you out of the hole you're in right now. Being cognizant of the fact that she also screwed up doesn't make it any different; while you've been quite straightforward and honest about the lot of it, I can say with almost perfect certainty that you're blaming yourself for it all, and you're beating yourself up rather fiercely every time that you do it.

If you need to know how I can say something like that, without knowing *anything* about the real you, I'll tell you this: I can say what I am, because you are now the second person to post in this thread, whom sounds damn near identical to how I have sounded in the past, and how I sound in the present when I'm upset, and how I'll probably always sound.

I know I've used the reference already for something else, but I'll use it again anyway. You're beyond gazing into the Abyss at this point. Every time you let yourself sink and stay sunk, that's the Abyss gazing back into you.

You have friends. More close ones, I suspect, than I have. They're there for you to lean on, so do so, no matter how hard it can be to motivate yourself. Don't try to get with anyone strictly so you guys can hang out and have fun; you're not in the mindset for that, and anybody who knows you well should know that immediately. You need time to recover, and you need support while you do so, so don't go into things expecting everyone to have a ball. Go to your friends with the express intention of needing them, letting them know you need them, and letting them support you emotionally.

For example, if Mal is half the person I think he is, I think he would be the perfect place to start. He's already made the offer; don't be afraid of being a downer for now, Nameless. It's going to happen, because you *are* hurting right now. It's the real friends that are going to be willing to take that in stride.

Now, as I tell everyone who sounds like I do when I'm hurting: chin up, and keep a stiff upper lip. You are better than this.

Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it. Mal is a really good guy, and things seem to be going really well for him, I really don't want to burden him with my problems. If he read what I posted then he knows everything now, if he hasn't then he knows part of it. Posting here took a lot out of me, I dislike telling people things but I'm feeling so damn sad. >.<

[Warrior/Mage]

Well done for posting, it was really courageous. Probably something I could never do.
A relationship is one of the best things, but there are right times for it. There'll come a time when you know what to do.
Sorry for intruding or anything...

[Nameless]

Well done for posting, it was really courageous. Probably something I could never do.
A relationship is one of the best things, but there are right times for it. There'll come a time when you know what to do.
Sorry for intruding or anything...

Not at all, you did a good thing and tried to help me. If anything, I should thank you.

[MountainKing]

Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it. Mal is a really good guy, and things seem to be going really well for him, I really don't want to burden him with my problems. If he read what I posted then he knows everything now, if he hasn't then he knows part of it. Posting here took a lot out of me, I dislike telling people things but I'm feeling so damn sad. >.<

No worries, it's what we're here for. But you should know, that "we" includes Mal, and he made the offer first. If you'd rather talk with people who are unrelated to the situation, who are more than happy to offer a shoulder to lean on (and I assure you, my shoulders are both broad and load bearing), my PM box is open, and I can almost always be reached on MSN or Skype.

That being said, I'll reiterate; Mal made the offer first. He's your friend, right? Don't you think it'd be more of a burden for him to know that you need somebody close to you to help you through what you're feeling, but you're not willing to reach out? Like I said, mate: the real friends are the ones who are willing to take that in stride. It's not a burden if you ask for it.

Sure, he knows the situation now. You don't have to talk about it, sure... but then again, you don't have to talk about your pain to feel relief from it via company.

I know, I sound pushy. I'm an abrasive person by nature, and I don't do "delicate, gentle care". The way you've expressed yourself, however, has triggered my protective instincts; I may not be the best person to nurture you back to health, but I'll be damned if I'll sit by and let a good person feel miserable when I can at least try to help.

*friendly punch on the shoulder*

[Malfunctioned]

Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it. Mal is a really good guy, and things seem to be going really well for him, I really don't want to burden him with my problems. If he read what I posted then he knows everything now, if he hasn't then he knows part of it. Posting here took a lot out of me, I dislike telling people things but I'm feeling so damn sad. >.<

Dude, you know I'll drop almost anything if you need to talk, it's in no way a burden and I'll just repeat the statement that posting this takes a hell of a lot of courage. Well done man. :smallsmile:

[absolmorph]

Well, I suspect that my romantic relationship with Annie will be coming to an end shortly.
You see, she saw Harry Potter today.
With E.
The same guy she said she'd "stop things" with. Whatever that was supposed to mean. I knew about this before, but I didn't think much about it until last night, when I put 2 and 2 together and realized that she didn't stick to her word.
Seriously, if she hadn't said she'd stop, I would've ended things on the 15th. But it now appears that my beginning trust that she'd handle things with E was misplaced, and my trust that she'd do as she said so I would no longer need to think about it was even more misplaced.
Oh, and she may not even be on tonight. And my brother leaves to go back to college tomorrow afternoon, so I may need to handle my emotions afterward entirely on my own.

... Honestly, this week has been kinda crappy, all things considered, aside from my brother being around for some mindless, stupid fun.

[xPANCAKEx]

absolmorph

if you cant trust annie then i cant see it working, so call things off sooner rather than later to maintain some degree of self respect. Whether she just craves the attention, or has more illicit intentions, her actions just arnt honest.

You have (as a couple) set a boundry, shes overstepped it.

[absolmorph]

Apparently she meant she'd stop talking to me about him as much when she said she'd stop things last Monday.
So, a combination of E and bad communication caused things to go past the limits.
And, 40 minutes after we broke up, she's in a new relationship (according to Facebook). With E.

Though, I'm doing pretty good, all things considered. Nobody has gotten mad or "GRRRR, YOU DID BAD!" or anything, and we're still talking just fine.
Though, people are gonna be rather interested in the sudden new relationship. Poor Annie :smallfrown:

[Gnomish Lab]

Advice needed regarding meeting someone in facebook and making the transition of meeting them in real life.

One was suggested by a friend who met her once in real life (in a science fiction convention) [let's call her p1], who is a great fan of scientific jokes and horrible puns (that's a good thing :smallwink: ). We chatted a bit regarding scientific jokes and I sent her one half of a horrible scientific pun I made for the occasion (that is, it's a question where the answer, which I haven't sent yet, is the horrible pun). Got no response for that (it has been half a week, and she has updated her wall, so I know she probably saw it).
How shall I proceed?

The other one [p2] I came across as the both of us responded to a status update of a mutual friend (who is not such a close friend of either of us).

We chatted a bit more via messages, but nothing truly special (talked a bit about fantasy books and about science [we are both students of the sciences, although at different fields]).

I should also mention that according to intelligence resources [:smallbiggrin:] , they are probably both currently single.

Any advice?

[Dallas-Dakota]

I don't know how regular (those kind of) conventions are around your area, but a easy one for p1 would be ''hey are you also going to that convention?''.


Aaand Nameless. *hugs* People really have already said what I wanted to say, so yeah, seconding the recommendation that you should go out with Mal sometimes. He's a awesome guy and you'l have tons of fun, most likely. Or you'l atleast feel better.:smalltongue:

[Fax Celestis]

Why can't I stand up to my parents? We told them we were not interested in contact until at least after the holidays, and yet when my parents called on Thanksgiving, I picked up the phone and talked to them. Now I look (and feel) weak and compromised. :smallannoyed:

[Lillith]

Why can't I stand up to my parents? We told them we were not interested in contact until at least after the holidays, and yet when my parents called on Thanksgiving, I picked up the phone and talked to them. Now I look (and feel) weak and compromised. :smallannoyed:

Cause they're your parents and they programmed you to obey their every command you love them. You're not the only one with that problem. If you don't want contact then block them out of your life for a bit? Their email address, on Facebook, I heard you can do that on some phones too. Maybe then you can get some peace and quiet?

[Meg]

Thanks for the advice given to me earlier. I just wanted to give an update on what happened. I went on the date with my friend. As it turns out, there was a misunderstanding. We were both told that the other person really liked us, but that wasn't true in either case. Kind of awkward, but it mutated from a date to just hanging out with a friend. Sort of fun, we got hot chocolate and then fed some ducks. As for me, I'm going to take some time off from dating and try to figure out why I'm still so hung up on someone I haven't spoken to in a couple years. I kind of have a lot to figure out about myself before I'm ready to try to figure out other people in a romantic sense.

So thanks again.