Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION!

[Ulysses WkAmil]

"Ok Uguhbee, you drink the potion and...turn into...a tiger...Tuguhbee the Tiger..."

[Deepbluediver]

(speaking via magic-crystal/spellphone)

PC1: Hey, where are you?

PC2: Ugh, I dunno, I think it looks like the observatory.

PC1: What are you doing up there?

PC2: I have no idea, I just woke up.

PC1: Can you tell me anything else about your situation? Like the last thing you remember or what you're wearing?

PC2: I've got my fish-pants on.

[Lothmar]

~Dnd characters exploring the abilities of a new magical keep that has come into their possession~

Look just because you can create portals that lead to other portals does not mean you should create a railgun system to launch the contents of the first two portals out of a new portal after changing one of the portals destinations to the third!

Did you just summon a door to the citadel to escape crushing/acid damage from inside the monster?

me: So you created a hot air hide balloon and attached it to a basket, so that you can open the trap door to the roof into the floor of the basket and attack the enemy on the ground from above, but you're shooting up?
Archer: Yes.
Me: That's all well and good but my special mount is not Ammo even if it can survive a terminal velocity fall!
Archer: But you keep going on and on how she is a boss killer.

Me: Wait, you're telling me you've figured out a way to add the portal property of the keep to equipment?
Artificer: That's correct, though it's barely the circumference of a banana.
Archer: ~smirks~ That's perfect...
Me: So instead of taking cover behind me or a long ways away in a conflict you'll simply fire from the safety of the interdimensional fortress at opponents who cannot perceive you?
archer: You act like your fame will not increase drastically as a killing machine from this.
Me: ~sigh~

archer: Wait, you mean we can remove doors, stairs and other features at will simply by concentrating?
Me: Waaaah! ~lands face first on lower floor~

gm: Your mechanized staff of doodads has been devoured by the spirit of gluttony, what do you do.
Artificer: He choose the wrong place to fight me then. I activate the replicator and I fire, the ham of ages with telekinesis!
gm: The what?
Artificer: You remember that Pizza, stuffed inside a turkey, stuffed inside a ham that was deep fried and dipped in chocolate that the cook made with a 40 cooking check right?
Gm: Yeah...
Artificer: That's what im attacking with.
gm: But you guys ate that...
Artificer: Don't you remember that I placed it in the replicator before we ate to make sure we could create it again.
gm: Hmm true... ~rolls some dice~ the ham hits with a wet thud doing relatively little damage. The creature however appears to be focused on it now and devours it with a full round action.
artificer: I'll lather rinse and repeat as necessary and pray that help comes somewhat soon.
~10 rounds later~
me: What the hell is this!? ~gluttony spirit has grown 2 size categories and is now incapable of flight as it continues to eat what falls close to it~
artificer: Help me, my finger is cramping!
me: Are you sure you need my help, I don't think it can move... ~Walks over and kicks the thing in the side~
artificer: ...Really? Oh thank goodness your +4 against fear helped me pass that, I was too terrified from its menace to consider moving. ~Artificer leaves the room~
Me: HEY! Gah, guess I gotta clean up this mess.
Gluttony spirt: ~gagging burp~

[cfalcon]

"Does the asparagus look threatening?"

"We're going to get you a very special kind of armor. It's called 'armor'."

[Lakaz]

"DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS, THE PAINTINGS MIGHT SEE YOU!"

"Is it just me, or do the players in this campaign have a lower san score than the characters?"

[Paperback]

"Elk are Overpowered! Nerf Elk!"

"Anyone who thought that you were me deserves to be scammed."

"Doing this let's us activate Hard Mode, right?"
*one overcomplicated event and half an encounter later*
"I changed my mind. I don't like hard mode."

"I like to call it the 'Get out of Boss Fight free' gun."

"I don't believe it! Here we were, all four of us separately developing convoluted plans to kill each other and you just railroad the ending for a goddamned sequel?"

DM: You see a hunting pack of Deathclaws running down the hillside at you.
PC 1: How many Deathclaws?
DM: Five
PC 1: Whelp, that's good game everyone. Nice knowing you.
PC 2: What are you talking about? I can just dimension door away!
PC 1: You can, the rest of us can't. We'll die.
PC 2: I'll remember you fondly though.

[Snowbluff]

"I Excavate Brain Matter. 13. I remove his brain, right?"

[Kymme]

"He embarrassed? Right. I follow him around the corner and stab him to death."

[Arcane_Snowman]

"Do you even know how to drive a car?"
"... no."

"You see, the only time you have to include a duration for a spell is when you're altering a person's Essential Nature, dismembering them doesn't change anything fundamental about them, they just have less limbs."

[Milo v3]

"Why do all your characters end up with brawls with gods?"

"I swing my dagger so quickly that it melts into his face."

"Would it be possible.... To make my monkey's explode?"

"It's not a pokeball, it doesn't have a button."

"What happened to him?"
"He attacked the grass. He lost."

"Quickly friends, get inside me and collect your weapons."

"You know, sometimes I don't think there is a nice way to eat peoples souls."

"I eat him."

"So I can't be a peeble?"

"Behold the magnificence of my flower concubines."

"For the last time, that's not a skeleton head it's a skull."

[ZeroGear]

"I cast Detect Magic."
"Only him."
"My foul stench!"

DM: "There are things in here you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole."
PC 1 & PC 2: "He would."
PC 3: "HEY!"

"I go and stand in the middle of the room!"

"Let's get out of here before something weird happens."
"Nothing's happening."

"We're penetrating deeper into the chamber."

"So, whatever goes into those waters gets dispelled?"
"Is my disease magical?"

"Summoning room?"
"For the exotic pleasures of the flesh...."

"Why does everything here have to do with madness?!"
"Blue b*lls man, blue b*lls."

DM: "You lose a point of wisdom damage..."
PC 3: "So you're losing your wits."
DM: "...and you're deaf."
PC 3: "...and your hearing."

DM: "It looks like a monster manual."
PC 3: "Does it say 'Penned by Gary Gygax'?"
DM: "No, it says 'Penned by Sorshen, Runelord of Lust'."
PC 2: "That most likely goes in the 'Oh S***' pile."

DM: "When you pick up [character's] body, it crumbles and the mustache detaches and flies off."
PC 2: "Ok...am I going crazier?"

"So It's going to keep the body there until the body rots?"
"Well. it can't move on its own power."

"The strange sound of a woman's voice calls your name."
"I knew this was going to get f***** up."

"So you're not going to answer the door?"
"We are in a dungeon where we've been getting our a**es handed to us."

"So you've become less of a man?"
"Essentially, yes."

[Flail_master]

*Flatline*
"NOOO, your booty shaking killed him!"

[EdokTheTwitch]

We Need More Tentacles!

[DigoDragon]

"Mint? Oh yeah, I love Mint. What I wouldn't do to have a private evening with her, a pocket of gold, a bottle of fine wine and... you were talking about the cake frosting, weren't you?"

"I'm trying to remember my motivation for sneaking into the thieves guild with a drunk paladin, but then it dawned on me; I'm Chaotic Nutters."

"Ladies and walking experience points, it's time for the Murder Circus!"

"Is it possible for a paladin to be too drunk to fall from grace?"

[Lothmar]

The paladin finishes explaining something ic.
Gm: "I must redeem myself, through genocide." the gm mocks.
Other players laughing their asses off and explaining how they view the situation in similar light.
paladin ooc: "There has to be a more honorable word for the slaughter of innocents..."
~laughter filled smoke break~

[Jbr208]

"I love the smell of nested leadership feats in the morning. It smells like... victory."

[Axinian]

PC1: I want it.

PC2: The destrachan!?!?!

PC1: Yes. I shall name him Shouty.

[ClockShock]

"It's not a trap, it's a boulder storage device."

[OverdrivePrime]

"Turtles are Nature's professionals."

[Buddha's_Cookie]

PC: I go to turn the key.
DM: Are you doing that in power armor?
PC: *scared*.....no.... (lie)

PC: I poke his wound.
NPC: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why did you do that?
PC: I wanted to be sure it was real.

[Lothmar]

~rolls a 1 on his diplomacy~
"Gentlemen, I don't mean to alarm you but I think we're beaing followed."
"IM ALARMED! IM ALARMED!" ~He adds panicking~

[Samshiir]

"You just rolled high enough to pickpocket the chastity belt off of him undetected."

"And you crash from orbit into..." (rolls dice) "...the Saarlacc Pit."

"Run! The Owl-God is here to kill us!"

"Your car locks its doors, drives off, calls your cell phone, and cusses at you for a while."

PC: "FINE! I'm just going to go to the gas station to buy 15 cents of gas and a cigarette lighter!"

DM: "Where did you teleport the paragon demon spider to?"
PC: "Umm...I don't know?"

"Why does your map have four different compass roses?"

"Hey, its possible! I might roll twenty 1's in a row!."

"That is so amazing that half of the pantheon you worship teleports in to watch for a few seconds."

[ZeroGear]

"There is a reason succubi are found in a school of Lust."

"I feel like ghost busters: We all got slimed."

"all right, what's in the next death trap?"

"So, naked chained up people; that's your department, right?"

"I thought you were dead."
"I got better."

"I kiss my feet."

"Tell me when you squish that thing into oblivion."
"There's 23 electrical..."
"I think it's been squished."

"Anything happen when I sit on the throne?"
"You look tiny."
"Oh,"
"In fact you look like an actual cat."

"Why is everyone here tied up an partially naked?"
"Why do you ask these questions?"

"If I wasn't the real Sorshen, why would I take rescue you from the hag?"
"I don't know, to toy with me more?"
"If she wanted to do that, she would have given you to the cat."
"Thanks SO much for the vote of confidence!"

"I don't feel comfortable engaging people who are not fully prepared."
"Just yell 'Sneak Attack' and all will be fine."

"Since they aren't wearing the armor at the moment, they don't get the bonuses, but since they're wearing the pants they're still slowed."

"You turn into a microwave."
"A MICROWAVE?"
"I invented it motha-f*****!"

"Oi! We don't want to kill him, I only need his unconscious body for a bit."

[Waspinator]

"I think it's from the Elemental Plane of Birds with Cool Sunglasses."

[DigoDragon]

"The barbarian's hair has DR 2/Humidity."

"You do realize we left the narcissistic barbarian and the alpha-jerk archer alone in a cave filled with hill giants, right?"

[Lothmar]

"Terminal velocity you ain't shiiiiii~"

"Did the barbarian just jump off the cliff to deliver the peoples elbow to the enemy general sitting at the strategy table below?" The archer adds confusedly.
"God bless his patriotism" The cleric salutes as the other **** their eyebrows simultaneously.

Only a thawed head in a block of ice. "Talk about an ice princess..."

[BWR]

GM: The good news, you're stable at -8 hp. The bad news, you're grappled by an Elder Black Pudding. What do you do?

[DigoDragon]

GM: The good news, you're stable at -8 hp. The bad news, you're grappled by an Elder Black Pudding. What do you do?

To quote from The Last Starfighter~ "We die."


"Well if we don't count the elf, then our only choices for the role of Hugh Hefner is either the barbarian Johnny Bravo or the wizard's female horse familiar."

"The trick to being a ninja is to not dress like you're a lost stage hand from the Kabuki theatre."

"If we ever return to the other campaign, I'm giving the unicorn a machine gun."

[SeekAndDestroy]

"I'll be the good cop to his bad cop."
"Roll a Diplomacy check."
*roll*
"...zero."
"What?"
"Natural 1, -1 Charisma modifier."
"She's more scared of your good cop than his bad cop!"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"I'm not as dumb as I think I am... wait"

"Which part? the part where we fought a Lava Kraken or the part where it shook us like maracas to the tune of otto's irresistible dance?"

"There are intruders in the castle and they've dominated my mind!"

"I've always assumed but... Zorr are you actually male?"

"Do not butter his toast."

"What do you mean your my father? I'm half-drow and my father's a High Elf."

"Its Lizardman not folk, do we call your kind hufolk."

"Never bluff at being a masochist to a sadist"

[Shadroth]

"That's not a dragon! It's a giant rat with wings!"

[Drakevarg]

"...We really should get him some rope."
"Bah. Let him rot!"
"Okay, I'll tell him you said that when he gets up here."
"...We really should get him some rope."

[The Fury]

PC: "I cast Summon Self!"

DM: "It doesn't work and you fail to appear."

[Hunter Noventa]

"Okay, we headbutt the Protodevlin!"

[malmblad]

"I sap the dog"
"Whoa, where am I? Why am I naked? That was some mushroom."
"The church? Oh it was evil. We cleansed it with fire. Twice."
"And that's why you guys are never getting a rod of immovability"
"I'm going to play slap the bull with it"

[The Fury]

Dog: "Hey, guys don't you think we should be going after the thing and not standing around jabbering?"

PC: "Holy poop! A talking dog!"

Dog: "Darn it!"

*Universe resets to the moment before the conversation*

Dog: "Woof!"

PC: "Darn right!"

(Later, same campaign)

Dog: "Dear god, you people!"

All PCs: "HOLY POOP! A TALKING DOG!"

Dog: "DARN IT!"

*Universe resets to the moment before the conversation*

[Azreal]

"Is talking a free action?"

"Yes."

*screams*

[Kazyan]

"I'm going to need a scroll of Disguise Self, a casting of Protection From Evil from you, and a stick."

[ZeroGear]

"Ok, who wants to go down the dark creepy tunnel first?"

"Great, we've entered the Lust Pit."

"Smells like a Calistrian wh**e"

"Didn't I say this was the "Lust" "Pitt"?"

"Watch that first step!"

"At the bottom is a green, incandescent slime."
"I think we all know what that is."
"Lube?"

"I don't want to touch weird things, or have them touch me."
"I thought that was your job."

"It sounds like a bunch of voices mushed together."
"Alright! sounds like an org*!"

"20 points for Griffendor."
"NOOOOO!!"
"I meant Slitherin."
"NOOOOO!!"
"Hufflepuff?"
"NOOOOO!!"
"GRiffendoor then?"
"NOOOOO!!"
"What are you then?"
"No thing to do with Harry Potter!"

"I'm a gunslinger, not a mage! As cool as it would be, I can't just load myself into my gun and shoot myself back to town!"

[Kornaki]

"Yes! He's using his hands for things that aren't killing us! VICTORY!!!"

[DigoDragon]

"I see that my career path is in another castle."

"I murdered him with a semi-colon."

"Freya has less hit points than that crunchy cookie shield."

"Next time I ask for information, don't tell me anything."

"Wait, my bed just got declared a midnight snack!"

"I got an eight. Who's number eight? Oh wait, the number is upside-down."

"It gave me the little filly eyes, I couldn't kill it!"

"I hope someone picks up that crystal ball, because I scry'd it!"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Shoot her! I can't grapple the eye stocks much longer!"

[Thetad]

Ranger: "We need that key, what value does it hold to you?

Gnome NPC: "It's... Shiny."

Bard: "How about we give you this pendant for it?"

*Bard rolls 4 on diplomacy check*

Gnome: "No!"

Bard: "How about this golden spyglass?"

*Bard rolls another 4*

Gnome: "No!"

Bard: "How about these bed sheets?"

*Rolls natural 20*

Gnome: "Bed sheets? Now you're talking! Here, take the key!"

[DigoDragon]

Gnome: "Bed sheets? Now you're talking! Here, take the key!"

That moment when the die roll makes the situation much funnier than it was meant to be. :smallbiggrin:

~


Sparks: "Either her ninja character is just never going to show up to the game, or she's just a really skilled ninja."

[Lothmar]

That's not teleportation, that's Ballistics!

[maximus25]

"Water fountain is not an alignment!"

"Head. Off stick. On hand. Puppet!"

[Drglenn]

"We need to keep an eye out for the invisible thief!"

[Yodas_Free_Boat]

"Okay, I pour the scotch on my crotch"

player- "Okay, so I release the flesh eating bacteria"
Gm - "On the space yacht"
Player- "Yeah"
Gm- "the space yacht which you are currently on"
Player- "yeah"
GM - "Didn't your character have a high intelligence?"

Gm- "Alright, let me describe your vampire sex adventure"

Player 1- "wait, so we're hunting vampires, right? I go to a gay bar"
Player 2- "How is that different than what you did last time?"
player 3- "this time he'll only spend half of the time oogling crotches"

[Marxism]

"I smoke it"
"It's a healing herb, you regain some hit points."
"I drink it"
"It's a strength potion you gain 4 temporary str."
"I insufflate it"
"It's highly purified poison, that you just made, why would you do that?"
"Rock star life style man."


"Asmodeus I think you either need more friends or less."

[gooddragon1]

[Party sees a group of miners walking towards the cave at night (actually ghost miners)]
"So you're telling me there's a bunch of unsupervised minors walking around at this time of night? Where are their parents?"

*skeleton companion removes chattering teeth from mouth and points at them while in the dreamer cultist temple*
Random Cultist: He does jokes that's nice :) *clapping hands*
Random Cultist 2: Nice skeleton.

"Wait, wait, I've got it, me and the warlock stay behind and see what happens when we shatter the obelisk because he's level 1 and I don't care about my character and you can go through the portal."
"Are you sure you want to do that?"
"What's the worst that can happen?"
DM: I assume that's what you're trying to find out then...

DM: So the man tells you about how the trade routes are being ambushed and how people who have no interest in either side of the war and are just bringing supplies are being killed.
"You know what they call those people?"
DM: ...
"Traders." (pronounced to sound like traitors and traders)

[EriktheRed]

"I never want to hear the words 'I have a bad feeling about this' come out of your mouth ever again, and that's an order!"

5 minutes later... *cough* "I'm not saying anything."

--

"These are delicious! I'll take the whole cart!"
"But your wedding! You won't fit in your dress!"
"It's enchanted! It'll SIZE!"

--

"I like you; you hit the buttons that make it go..."

[TheFallenOne]

What the hell guys, you now spent longer talking to him than you spent fighting him. And no one even mentioned looting the sucker yet.
You're doing Murder Hobo-ing wrong!


P1: Well, this went downhill fast.
P2: I like how often we say that.
P1: Our party seems to be the living incarnation of Murphy's law.
DM: Who told you about my Murphy Golem?
P3: I love the idea of Murphy's Golem. Perhaps a gnomish clockwork that always almost does what you want it to do, but either breaks down or does something unexpected.
DM: It has +n on every roll, where n is 'just short of enough'.


Base, request tactical bard strike. Bard unit, come in, over.

[The Fury]

"This is a magnifying glass! So you can find evil! Wherever it may lie! And this is a hammer so you can smash evil once you've found it! And here's a shovel so you can bury it when you're done smashing. And here's a signet ring so you can leave your mark to let people know you were there! And finally, an hourglass so you can time yourself!"

[Scarey Nerd]

"Holy £&%$, you're Moses!"

[Flail_master]

PC1: "Don't worry, if things get too hot I'll just drive my boat into the arena"
PC2: "TOURNAMENT'S OVER, B**CHES"


"What would I need to roll... To throw a bear at him?"


"Hey, do you like... B-bread?"

DM: "You are now invisible"
PC: "Sweet!"
DM: *rolls* "... You are now blind"
PC: "...So I'm high, invisible and blind?"

[Ailowynn]

"Wait. We're looking for a mansion?! I thought we were looking for a man's shin!"


"Tell me more about this stripping technique."
That ^^^^ was in SWSE. Stripping weapons adds upgrade slots.
:smallbiggrin:

"[Dwarvish accent]Torag, my friend, your spear has a beard to be proud of![/Dwarvish accent]"

[Marillion]

"Do you have a moment to talk about the Grumfather?"

"Ugh, there's sanguine all over the floor."

"I swear, by all the fabric in the tailor's shop."

"It looks like pee, but tastes like apples. It's applepee."

"Alright, leave some food out for my wife and let's go."

[Waspinator]

My stealth modifier is "Dwarf".

[The Fury]

"Oh, it's OK. I can totally fix it, just set it on this rock."

*SMASH!*

"Whoa... that's a resilient toad."

[DigoDragon]

"I suppose the king died the way he lived, sliding around in frictionless silk pjamas. ...maybe this is best for the kingdom."


"Uh, gang, I'm seeing that striped horse creature again. It's out surfing the waves now. ...I swear I'm not stoned this time."


"Okay, when the pirate captain said it was called 'Crotch Island', I figured it was just some odd nick name. Now that I look at the map... you know, I don't know what I was expecting."

[Adanedhel]

"I assumed committing a massacre here and drinking their blood wasn't an acceptable course of action, so instead I took a liberty of buying these. I hope Logan can appreciate all the sacrifices I am willing to make."

[Vknight]

"Standing in the doorway you see a man standing next too him is a large lemon wearing a wedding ring"

"Its a boy made of newpaper wearing normal clothing"

"Or there are some Scurvy Dogs, beside them are some other Scurvy Dogs that seem to have Scurvy"

"So the Bizarre Bazaar is following the Floating Market? What happens when they meet?"
"You get a Newmarket"

"Come along honey I don't like this neighborhood"

"Mommy says my daddy was an Eclair"
"But we live with a cream puff"

PC; "Finally a normal person, that is not based around a pun"
NPC; "Are you racist?"
PC; "What no!"
NPC; "Honey go on inside"

"I don't see what could go wrong. Its just a army of clockwork police"

Gm; "Not one of you figured out the 'New Life' store was a place to get reincarnated?"
PC; "No. No we did not but why is it run by the Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland"

Gm; "You approach the stock market"
PC; "Ok time to find the best going rate on soup"
Gm; "You step inside and the market is selling stockades"
PC; "Huh... I did not expect that"

Gm: "Its a gorilla wearing a monkey suit"
PC: "Wait... What type of Monkey suit?"
Gm: "Its a suit that looks like a large monkey"

Gm: "The gorilla has been replaced by a monkey in a nice suit"
PC: "Anything odd about the suit?"
Gm: "Besides being made of Gorilla fur nope nothing"

PC: "So can I remove the chance of reincarnating as a Squid?"
Mad Hatter: "Yes but it will boost your chances of being a Dolphin"

Gm: "I realize just now after the session the whole chances of becoming female from reincarnating was weird"
PC: "It makes sense though"
Gm: "Thank you why I did it, I mean makes no sense for to only reincarnate into your current gender"
Other PC: "Reminds me of that Troll and the Wee Wizard comic a bit"
Gm: "I did not need you to say that you think that is what I'm into."

PC: "I think this was a great game. Though it does feel like the podcast I listened too"
Gm: "You do remember we only did this because 3 of the other people couldn't show?"
PC: "...Oh you are right this wasn't a bonus game; wait was this all free form?"
Gm: "Yup"
PC: "Ok that elevates this from crazy fun. Too awesome crazy fun"

[Doorhandle]

"Standing in the doorway you see a man standing next too him is a large lemon wearing a wedding ring"

"Its a boy made of newpaper wearing normal clothing"

"Or there are some Scurvy Dogs, beside them are some other Scurvy Dogs that seem to have Scurvy"

"So the Bizarre Bazaar is following the Floating Market? What happens when they meet?"
"You get a Newmarket"

"Come along honey I don't like this neighborhood"

"Mommy says my daddy was an Eclair"
"But we live with a cream puff"

PC; "Finally a normal person, that is not based around a pun"
NPC; "Are you racist?"
PC; "What no!"
NPC; "Honey go on inside"

"I don't see what could go wrong. Its just a army of clockwork police"

Gm; "Not one of you figured out the 'New Life' store was a place to get reincarnated?"
PC; "No. No we did not but why is it run by the Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland"

Gm; "You approach the stock market"
PC; "Ok time to find the best going rate on soup"
Gm; "You step inside and the market is selling stockades"
PC; "Huh... I did not expect that"

Gm: "Its a gorilla wearing a monkey suit"
PC: "Wait... What type of Monkey suit?"
Gm: "Its a suit that looks like a large monkey"

Gm: "The gorilla has been replaced by a monkey in a nice suit"
PC: "Anything odd about the suit?"
Gm: "Besides being made of Gorilla fur nope nothing"

PC: "So can I remove the chance of reincarnating as a Squid?"
Mad Hatter: "Yes but it will boost your chances of being a Dolphin"

Gm: "I realize just now after the session the whole chances of becoming female from reincarnating was weird"
PC: "It makes sense though"
Gm: "Thank you why I did it, I mean makes no sense for to only reincarnate into your current gender"
Other PC: "Reminds me of that Troll and the Wee Wizard comic a bit"
Gm: "I did not need you to say that you think that is what I'm into."

PC: "I think this was a great game. Though it does feel like the podcast I listened too"
Gm: "You do remember we only did this because 3 of the other people couldn't show?"
PC: "...Oh you are right this wasn't a bonus game; wait was this all free form?"
Gm: "Yup"
PC: "Ok that elevates this from crazy fun. Too awesome crazy fun"

Based off don't rest your head, I expect?

[Centric]

Now that you've knocked over all the pillars, the Draconian Hopscotch is much easier.

You are overcome by a wave of Communism. You are now level three.

Oh, they must have adopted from the Eastern Continent. It's a trend started by Behiris Hilton.

Just roll everything in your dice bag.

[TuggyNE]

Just roll everything in your dice bag.

Let me guess: Shadowrun.

[Lothmar]

~singing~ "I will kill everything unlike me, for that is the paladin cree~!"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Our arrows will bloat out the sun!"

"Then we'll fight in Zorr's shade!"

[mythmonster2]

Player 1: "How do you know this isn't my shop?"
Player 2: "Cause this is Chinatown, dammit!"

[Arkhosia]

"Can I kill the boat?"

[NM020110]

"Those rolls will be perfect to make exactly what you needed to build the every thing."

[Crazyfailure13]

"I'm a maniac that won his freedom from a gladiatorial arena after thirteen years, this is my benefactor, it is a canary, he is rich, we have come to solve your boar problem."

"Just light up their eyeballs."

"It's nice to have a good carriage ride with you follows, hope you don't hold the light thing against me, Also... Rapier through the face!"

[mythmonster2]

"Hey, if you're not gonna nuke me, I'll nuke myself!"

[Vknight]

Based off don't rest your head, I expect?

Correct it was a one-shot. The PC's were a Criminal in jail for life, a college student about to turn to drugs and things to deal with life, and a guy that failed at everything.

"Listen you have a flesh eating virus"
"Wait how does that work?"
"I don't know, why do you think I'm confused!"

"So were is my Kidney?"
"Well the GPS says its in Maine, correction India"
"Wait. How is my Kidney in India?"
"It teleports, did you not hear the thing I told your friend about the flesh eating virus and the fact his right arm seems to be made of rubber?"

"Its the philosophers stone"

"The first murder was done by a copy cat"
"Well he must have been really on the ball then"
"... Wait, wait I mean the first murder was the only one not committed by the copy cat!"

"It seems to be a skin disco ball"

"You just gave birth to another man through your torso; and magic is somehow not real?"
"Yes"

"Barney, Edward, Scott, Ted, Matt. Or B.E.S.Tm"

"So I leave the police station. As you step outside a body lands on the stairs in front of you"

"So what does that make it 3 bodies that have landed, or been found by you?"
"Yeah"
"4 Bodies including the person before the game started"

"So the librarian is ok with the skinned man but not the trained soldier."
"To be fair the dead guy is the soldiers friend and the librarian is a jerk"

"I grab the duck"
"Ok you are now holding onto a duck. A few minutes ago it was a gun"
"I squeeze it"
"It quacks in frustration"

[Souju]

"His bone marrow is missing."

"Why are you carrying 50 feet of chains?"

"Xena, Warrior Bird"

"STOP BLEEDING THINGS!"

"I turn into you."
"Can you...not?"

"I ate that kobold to preserve the ties between our great nations."

"Why couldn't it be a hawksparrow or beardog?"

[Marillion]

"Think of it as his second belly button."

"I was afraid your uvula had become detached!"

[WindStruck]

Nobody ****s with a magistrate, not even owlbears.

[DigoDragon]

"I just realized that my pony familiar has a higher armor class than I do."

"Zecora did tell us she was a part-time cannibal. That makes us a 'sometimes' food."

"Six GP for a single owl feather?! This thing better come with an owl attached!"

"No, just no. I'm not a melee combatant. I'm a squishy wizard turns chunky salsa if I get anywhere near the business end of anything I didn't pay to have sitting on a bed."

[Vknight]

"The group enters the board room."
"The first too enter is a small metal man whose parts fly off and reattach in various places changing from a small man too a large dog and back"
"The second too enter is a large metallic figure with a really large left arm and a blank facial expression"
"The third is a red-skinned man with blue tattoos across his body, and a narwhal tattoo on his back, and several piercings"
"The fourth that enters is a woman in her late 20's she is tall and strikingly attractive, there seems to be a twinkle in her eye"

"So you have a crush on the hyper-elite?"

"Your greeted by a girl between 10 & 15"

"Wait your not a proxy for the woman in the board room?"
"That is correct"

"Oh come on telling them we know who they are and we want some information nothing else should not have lead too this"

"So we could all be potentially infected by this"

"When did we all last backup?"

"So the plan is too use the fact I'm rich too get a tour, well you all sneak off to find the bad guy"

"I'll hack the guy I have in the ghost-rider to be completely loyal too me"

"Did you just ask the Gm if I should make a check to change?"

"I so want too turn on all of you right now out of character just too be an evil jerk. It would just be so tempting too have power-armor guys hunt you down and hopefully taking out the bad guy"

[Doorhandle]

"I think everyone's been on that conversation if you know what I mean."

"Yes I have a healing potion, it's in a large green vial labelled 'in case of emergency, break glass' "

"I hydraulic push him down the stairs."

[Necroticplague]

"When I said it was o.k. for you to be a vampire, I meant a Bram Stoker, or maybe even twilight, type vampire. I did not mean a tentacled aberration only called a vampire because it drains blood straight out of Lovecraft. Or the lesser-tentacled one that's always on fire."

"I don't care how many extra internet actions the hacker is using, you can't be a cyberzombie just to be "equally competitive in a different competition""

"Good lord, you're aware that that one section on the end of all the books is reserved for villians, right? There's a reason the left-handed paths are all listed a good two chapters away from everything else.And why chimeras are. Is building a standard PC that hard?"

[Amidus Drexel]

Me: "It's a cat. Totally."
Guard: "Okay sure, whatever."

Some time later...

Guard: "Hey, that's not a cat!"
Cleric: "Yeah, but it's on a leash."
Guard: "I don't... see any leash."
Cleric: "A TELEPATHIC leash!"
Me: "Please, entertain him this once. He's not right in the head."
------
"Why do you know my character's stats off the top of your head?"
"Why don't you?"
------
"Scorpions aren't hot-blooded!"
"These ones are! We're in a desert, and [the psion] set both of them on fire. If they weren't hot-blooded before, they are now."

[Dimers]

"I understand you entered the household through magical means; allow me to
show you the front door."

"It takes an hour to cast." "I'm bored already and I haven't even started!"

"Haste wouldn't help. I'm limited to my companion's speed anyway." "So just carry the companion!" "No, then my speed would be reduced by encumbrance." "So the speed buffs you really need are Bull's Strength and Enlarge Person ..."

"You realize my 'research' is going to be 'buff myself and go break it,' right?"

"You people and your corporeality."

"Do you have *any* non-combat spells?" "Define 'non-combat.'"

"Heeeeeere, trouble trouble trouble!"

"I believe I owe you guys an explanation." "Well, yes, but you could cover that with money."

"So you committed seppuku with a rabbit."

"I'm not laughing AT you. I'm laughing WITH you. You're just not joining in."

"Why is there a wood giant's Huge bowyer toolkit in my bag of holding?" "You must have been tired of the rest of the party being the only giant tools around."

"Thor has great bedside manner! Tell me about all the things you killed while I'm patching you up."

"I have satiable curiosity."

"Are we going into the dark?" "First we are going to talk about how stupid it is."

"Slashing weapons fail. Anybody got a fire hose?"

o/~ You walked into the clearing
And the fog it was really dense
You had strategically tried to fly above
The pools of muck in the fens
Detecting psi and magic too, you found a source of healing below
I heard a scream from the clouds in the clearing (clouds in the clearing) saying:
I'm in pain
I bet you think this yell was a warning
I'm in pain (you're in pain)
I bet you think this yell was a warning (warning, warning) o/~

[Gwazi Magnum]

*Defense for still being a good aligned character after setting a town on fire* "I was curious!"

*Rips vault door open and shuts it behind him while invisible* "It was the wind"

"I activate my sneak skill!"

[Kymme]

"You're at the end of a pier, being confronted by a pirate ship covered in singing crabs. What more do you need to know?"

[Jon_Dahl]

"May I have an audience Sir Ear?... errrr... Sir Hound Archon?"

[murph04]

DM: By listening carefully you can hear Oloros' quickened footsteps approaching
Player 1: Crap! We've got to get rid of the bodies!
Player 2: But I've already made a fort out of them!
Player 3: Screw the fort! Burn them! Burn them all!

[Recherché]

"But where are they going to hide an orangutan on a rowboat?"

Player 1 "How smart is the kraken"
GM "About as smart as a particularly dim dog"
Player 2 "Awww that sounds so cute when you describe the kraken that way!"

"BTW I want to start bringing Aristotle [the PC's semi domesticated pet baby kraken] out of his tank and around with me using my Manipulate Elements spell to keep him hydrated and buoyant, just like a silent, squishy wet parrot who enjoys a good herring"

"Professor, I believe your pet has inked himself on the top deck. How...adorable."

Player 1 "Is it just me or is [the DM] laughing hysterically a bad sign?"

Player 2 "The wizard brought a Kraken onboard!" "Prepare for combat."
Player 1"The ship is smuggling contraband goods!" "Prepare for combat."
Player 3 Tthe water looks weird" "Prepare for combat!"
Player 2 "The bard is sneaking off to go to a gentleman's cabin unchaperoned!" "Prepare for combat"

DM "You recognize them as containers of preserved organs, standards of East Asian medicine
Player 1 "mmmm marmalade"
Dm "I'm going to carefully forget that you said that"
(He misheard it as "oranges" not "organs)

[jaybird]

"As the Cleric before you roars out Litanies of Protection and the unfortunate mech-wright assigned to service the vending machine you are hiding within cowers behind a counter, you take careful aim and eject a can of carbonated beverage with great force into the Cleric's groin."

/rolls

"The Cleric screeches in pain as the hypervelocity can crushes his genitalia. Take 1d10+5 insanity."

[fishjam]

Me-"i use summon intrument to summon the worlds smallest violin and play a sad song"
DM- "but you dont have perform string intrusments"
Me- "Then i play it very badly.. the point remains, I use cantrip, I play sad song, we continue."

"Its ok officer this isnt My feces!" *points to hands*

"No one mutiny whilst im gone.. and no volleyball! just have a beer and relax for a day or 2, but tidy up after ok. I may be nice, but i do want to keep some order on this murderous pirate ship."

"I shoot the pillow next to him with a magnum, to wake him up"

[The Fury]

DM: "Johan tells you the story about the mushrooms. It is a sad story."

[ClockShock]

"He shattered your world."
"Also, your nose."

[Necroticplague]

"Of course you would get a nat 20 on Knowlege checks for pineapples."

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Don't do it, What would your wife have you do?"

"She'd break every bone in his body, then have him healed so she could break every bone again she'd make him beg for death before finally granting it."

"Wait... you were the soft one in the relationship?"

[Lothmar]

~Gm explains a magic device but stops me as a I hold up a finger and open my mouth~
Gm: No you cannot use the horn of Valhalla to summon the Shinsengumi!
me: Woah...

Me: Can I use perform dance to open the door?
Gm: Why would you think that is an applicable skill here?
Me: Well I could use it to pop the lock.
~Entire table sighs or shakes head in disappointment~

Gm: ~sigh~ Ok fine, im sorry I didn't believe you that you could pull off a series of suggestions at the bardic college that would in turn pull off a series of suggestions to start a village wide flash mob music video.

Gm: The druids slug companion refuses to tell you anything after you brutally murdered its master.
Me: ~Small grin~
Player 2: attempt's to bribe the slug with a head of lettuce.
~the gm and player roll dice after rp~
Gm: The slug sees through what you are attempting to accomplish after thoroughly sliming the head of lettuce you gave it before it spits it out and onto your shoes.
Me: ~medium grin~
Player 3: Attempts to explain why they were forced to kill the druid and how the creatures cooperation is needed if they are to save the grove.
~the gm and player roll dice after rp~
Gm: The slug weeping dramatically not only doesn't believe you but is utterly insulted by what you had to say about his closest and most personal companion. The man that cared for him and raised him from a normal sized slug to a slug the size of a small mini van and imbued him with human like intellect. The slug is now refusing to speak to you because of your failings.
Me: ~Extra large grin~
Gm: Ok im getting really creeped out here, do you have something you want to contribute to this? ~The Gm asks me after noticing my smile.~
Me: I just find it funny how the entire party has made fun of me from session one for the pocketful of salt I have written on my character ~rolls a natural 20~ AND IT PERFECTLY SEASONS THE CROW THEY'RE ABOUT TO EAT WITH A 40 INTIMIDATE! ~Stands up from seat and does a pelvic thrust~

[Reltzik]

Me: "Who has two thumbs and is the BEST PIRATE EVER?!?!?"
Hooks: *hanging head in disappointment* "yarrrr."

[Callos_DeTerran]

"You have two options open to you, either you can get out of my chair or I can commit regicide...does regicide apply if I'm the rightful king? Is there a word for usurper-cide?"

[Phoenixguard09]

Here's some more from our six month old second session. :smallwink:

"I'm a dog-man, I don't have to be illiterate."

"Maebh, pull the middle one." - Harold
"No way, I'm way back here. You pull it." - Maebh
"Right. Breanna, how about you pull it?" - Harold
"NO!" - Breanna

"A massive six foot tall dog-man swiping wildly at the child-sized little lizard people shouting, "Go away! Go away!" at the top of his lungs."

“You want him to punch the door?”

"The others are happy to “accidentally” blow both of the combatants up. But they are dissuaded from doing so.
Eventually. "

“Oh and Maebh, you might want to hide that necklace. Oh and don’t stab them yet either Breanna, we might need them.” - Harold
“Don’t worry, I’ll probably miss anyway.” – Breanna

Hmm, not too many there that are funny without context... I shall keep combing I guess.

[Sith_Happens]

"You really want to not be kicked in the nuts, don't you?"

Old Man Who Owns the Castle: "...All I ask is that you do not go upstairs."
Me (as soon as he's gone): "So we're going upstairs, right?"

"Perhaps you would like to help with KOBOLD SCIENCE?"

"...And the goo we found?"
*beat* "...Kobold science have good days, kobold science have bad days."

[Dimers]

"You really want to not be kicked in the nuts, don't you?"

Which reminds me --

"Stop trying to not make money!"

[Spacebatsy]

”- I’ll google ”huge claws” to find out what killed my father
- Wolverine killed your father”

“- Is he really dead now?
- His skull is crushed
- That’s no excuse!”

“- Can we find somewere private were we could talk, father?
- No-one can hear us my child. Exept God. And Jesus. And the Holy Ghost… And Paul the Janitor.”

“DM – You have no memory of the past six month
PC – I’m guessing the Inquisition got us”

“- But if we capture one of the werewolves, instead of killing it, it might lead us to more. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
- That’s why we’ll kill them all, and there will be nothing in the bushes”

"- What did you die from?
- That’s none of your buissness, what did YOU die from?"

“I’ll shoot the chubby with my shotgun… Woah! Repeat that quickly five times while drunk!”

“Alright, if everybody just CALMED DOWN we could figure this out like adults who put on their pants themselfe this morning”

“You better be nice to me, because you’re just a figure of my imagination”

“You know the guy we were supposed to kill or capture? Well, we’re working for him now…”

“- How did you capture it?
- With nets. And clubs. And women.
- In that order?
- In that order”

“I’ll give her my most charming smile and my rawest bedchamber stare and introduce myself as Riggi Straws”

“Step aside so that we can do some righteous looting … I see you’re targeting our weapon system “

“I thought I should make some hot-dogs, since I’m removed from reality”

“I don’t think it’s possible to land on a celestial phenomenon“

“Everyone’s so secretive. I also want secrets, but I have none, so I had a hamburger instead”

“- But a piece of bone around the neck is so dangerous?
- But it vibrates! I don’t!”

“- I have plans on stealing a spaceship, travel into the void and sleep with an eldar
- …okay?
- A female one of course!”

“- How did you know this?
- I had a feeling in my gut
- You knew a time and a place, that’s a very precise gut you have there.”

“DM – Do you interact with your team members?
PC – Oh yes, I divide them into two groups: The test group and the control group”

“- Have you ever been on a hunt?
- I ran over a cat once, does that count?"

DM – You have three choices when it comes to zone guides. One is…
PC - Does any of them have a hat?
DM - …yes
PC - Does any of them have a gasmask?
DM – Yes
PC’s – Does anyone have both?
DM – Yes
PC’s – Sold!

“Are we going to talk RPG or personal hygiene?”

“NPC - They have murdered 15 people!
PC – That’s irrelevant!
NPC – And they think it’s irrelevant!”

“Evasive maneuver! I’ll fly in to the rock wall, He’ll never expect that!”

"PC Interrogator – I would like a raise
NPC Inquisitor – Am I paying you?
PC Interrogator - … now could be a good time to start?"

[Saito Takuji]

"this guy isnt so much a ninja, as a non-ja"

[Balmas]

I fully reserve the right to tell physics to bugger off if it makes for a better story. :smallcool:

[Lothmar]

~someone I know in game contacts me telepathically and explains that they've been reading my thoughts~
~Concentration check to focus on my imagination and surface thoughts to create an incredibly elaborate and graphic mature audiences only scene involving them~ Nat 20
Psychic - "Oh my~ WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?" He adds in embarrassment going bright red.
Me - "It's your own fault for being a voyeur, dont say 'hey im peaking' to an exhibitionist if your not ready for the show."

[Pokonic]

"Sir, the sociopath we have been fighting for the last five levels want's to go on a date with me."

"Bring a healing potion and a rope."

------

"Is that a magical Ipod?"

"What is this eye-pod you speak of?"

-----

"You want to know something? We are currently in a house owned by a elf-drow couple, that naked vampire who showed up a hour ago tried to hit on me and then you, here's a sea monster outside who want's you to jump her bones, and I died yesterday. And this is the most normal weekend I have had in months!"

-----

"Boss, why are you pulling out the BoEF?"

"The Kraken looks at the elven maiden and attempts to grapple."

-----

"Wait, were we supposed to save the dragon from the princess or vice versa?"

-----

"She has the pesudonatural template."

"Isn't she the best girlfriend ever?"

----

"So, what you are saying is, you can rule in hell while still rule in heaven as long as we kill the cosmic force of Law?"

[Balmas]

"Wait. Your solution to fire is... Explosives?"

[TuggyNE]

"Wait. Your solution to fire is... Explosives?"

Is that from a game about oil rig troubleshooters, by any chance?

[Mnemophage]

"Oooo! Can I NPC the gay android?"

(I could!)

[Alcyius]

Crew: "You ran over the mind flayer, WITH THE AIRSHIP!"
Captain: "I thought it needed a racing stripe."

Elf Ranger: "Nat 20...Nat 20...Nat 20...How much damage?"
DM: "You are the monster mind flayers tell to their kids to keep them in line."

Elf Ranger: "Nat 20...Nat 20...Nat 20...Does that go through the zombie?"
DM: "It goes through, and kills the next one in line."

NPC: "You see, the zombies eat magic items, as well as people."
Barbarian: "So we should send the warforged in!"
Warforged Cleric: "I'M A MAGIC ITEM IDIOT!"

DM: "The warforged is powered by an undead hamster on a little wheel."

DM: "So, the troll is the warforged, because wibbly wobbly timey wimey."

Favored Soul: "So, I wonder what the thing carrying raw magic towards the city is?"
Captain: "That would be us...idiot.'

DM: "The gnome is in a Colossal++ suit of steam armor."
Goliath: "So, he's compensating for something then?"

Bartender: "The maid went to clean his room, and we needed a new roof. It didn't even register as magical!"

Frog: "You gotta try these Vodka Flies. They're delicious!"

[Sith_Happens]

*DM rolls*
*DM rolls again*
"I have a bad feeling about this."
*DM rolls two more times*
"A very, VERY bad feeling."

"FORGET ME, SAVE THE KOBOLD!"

"Wow, our dice don't want anyone to actually fight during this fight, do they?"

"FOR SCIENCE!"

"The moment I hear the world 'negotiate,' I pivot on my feet and walk out the door."

[Forrestfire]

"Well what we should do is attempt to recruit the barkeep, item shop owner, and the random street urchin on the street thrown there for flavor. If we go out into the swamp to smush the other tribes then the snakes we have in our basement may be less inclined to bite us in the back."

[Lothmar]

Me: "Phew, for a minute there I didn't think i'd be the first one to attack someone in the crotch in this campaign." I jokingly add wiping my brow as I dig into my gaming bag.

Gm: "Now what are you doing?"

Me: "Just updating my personal achievements." I add taking out my homemade personal 'Crotch Shot' achievement badge and pin it to my shirt.

Gm: "And this is why I called that vote on banning arts and crafts related props for game night."

[GlorinSteampike]

"Well like a normal person I'll just fly over there."

"We spoke abyssal at the dinner table."

[ZeroGear]

"You might want to think about getting a refund."

"I think I should give this back to you now."
"You should hold on to it, it might be useful later on."
"Yeah, it's better to have you as a decoy."

[Sith_Happens]

"I try to convince [the BBEG] to play strip poker with [the party sorceress.]"

"Would someone please slap the halfling for me?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."
"YOU'RE A WIZARD, YOUR ENTIRE JOB IS THINKING!"

[Jay R]

"That's because you're a Paladin. You're sworn to do what's Lawful. I'm a Thief, free to do what's right."

"If you need a thief's approval to set up a church, you have no business setting up a church."

[Yipyioh]

"Wait, wait, wait! I get a roll!!!!! I HAVE RIGHTS!!!!!!"

"Ugh, I don't like the feeling of Loki down my throat!"

*Trudging through a giant desert*
Paladin: "MAGE MAN! RAY OF COLD ME!"
Cleric: "I'm not a mage, I'm a priest of-"
Paladin: "I REQUIRE AIR CONDITIONING!!!!!"

[Ninja_Grand]

"You don't sparkle, do you?


"Meatshield on a stick!"

"No, you cant pray it away"

[Lothmar]

"OOF! Hey, I get the whole you dragging me around full body bound by a length of rope and all but could you please, oh I dont know, STOP ATTACKING PEOPLE WITH ME LIKE A FLAIL BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO DRAW A WEAPON!"

Player 1: "Ok Gm, I'd like to reverse pickpocket the opponent whispering to me and with X he doesn't notice im casting correct?
Gm: Correct... And he doesn't notice you. So What's he gonna get?
Player 1: A delayed blast fireball bead.
Gm: Ok, well it looks like they fail to notice the glowing pocket... Guh I hate my badguys sometimes. ~villainous monoluge here, followed by villians abandoning us to our fate and closeing secure doors~ Everyone make a listen check. Okay you all pass and hear a sudden, OOmph! as the door shakes suddenly from the change in temperature and pressure on the other side.
Player 1: Hotpocket!
Player 2: Funny I have that same reaction to hotpockets.

Captain Player 1: "PREPARE THE COFFIN ROUNDS, they're coming about for another pass!"
Vampire Player 2: "I love being a vampire pirate, MINIONS TO YOUR BOARDING PROJECTILES! Today we feed!"
Gunner player 3: "So their choices are death by undead feeding or grapeshot if they flee onto the deck eh? Why do I suddenly feel like I should envy them?" He adds with a sigh looking at the other crew.


Ranger: "Ah so you've come to hear the tails of the forest king, the mighty boar Troll rut."
Party in unison: "...Do we want to know how it got the name?"
Ranger: "Ah yes, the forest king is famous for raping an alpha troll to death to become the leader of the pack and apparently the experience was so horrendous it refused to regenerate... Either that or maybe its secretions are acidic or flaming or something?"
Wizard: "Urph!" ~Rolls a 1 for a fort save for the mental image~
Player 1: "All in favor of abandoning this subquest?"
Rest of party in unison: "AYE!"
Player 1: "Ok we go with the paladins quest of tending the leaper colony?"
Rest of party in unison: "Much better..."

[Dimers]

PC: "I have a temple about a day's walk from Kamalekala."
DM: "Six days' walk."
PC: "Whatever."

DM: "Traveling that fast assumes you're riding the horse into the ground."
PC: "You can't ride horses into the ground. You need something with a burrow speed."

"Unless of course that Norse is Mr. Dwarf."

PC1: "This is clearly not something for the whole party to be doing."
PC2: "Clearly it's not something the whole party should be *caught* doing."
PC1: "So when do you want to go do it?"

DM: "I'm not a big fan of save-or-dies."
PC: "Except when we're beating the snot out of your dragon."

DM: "Well, you could charge down the tunnel directly at the beholder ..."
PC: "That sounds like a dumb idea."
DM: "Yes. ... Clearly, you belong in a different party."

"So you're suggesting we set an ambush for ourselves?"

PC1: "You know, carts are really cheap."
PC2: "You know, dragons can carry carts to great heights and then drop them."
PC1: "You know, I can cast make whole."

PC1: "So a god-touched person can tell if someone else is god-touched?"
DM: "Sometimes. It's a little like gaydar."
Simultaneously, PC2: "Show us on the doll where the god touched you."

PC1: "We can charge them a lot for the stone to flesh!"
PC2: "So, I was more of the idea of going and rescuing them and bringing beer and having a 'Welcome back to not being stone' party."
PC1: "Sure. We can get them drunk and then I can pick their pockets."
PC2: "I sense an alignment discrepancy."

"Does this armor make me look pregnant?"

PC1: "Can we stop for ice cream first?"
PC2: "Don't make me turn this dragon around."

"The spell isn't called heroes' fast food... you have to take your time."

"So does that make it a thirty-sixthling?"

"She's going to try a Diplomacy check! RUN AWAY!"

"Quick, do something reasonable!"

PC1: "If we're about to open that door, my eyes are closed."
PC2: "If you open your eyes you get a bonus on Spot checks."
PC1: "If you are turned to stone you get a very big penalty on Spot checks and other things."

PC1: "I know I'm in darkness because my light isn't working."
PC2: "You know you're in darkness because you can't see."

PC1: "I have a vermilion cloak."
PC2: "What does that do?"
PC1: "It allows me to look purple."
PC2: "How does that help?"
PC1: "I guess it doesn't."

"I am the nun of Vecna!"

"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like ... an orc."

PC1: "PC2 just likes Drow erotic poetry."
PC2: "I am not the Goth you're looking for!"

PC: "Macha pulls from her pack a spoon and pot ..."
The rest of the party: "Sssstthhhhfffff!"

PC: "So it's an underground dwarven water park?"
GM: "You must be this short to ride."

PC: "God, if we tried that the DM would shoot us."
DM: "Oh, that reminds me --"

"First, assume a spherical zombie ..."

PC1: "What does a misanthrope turn into during the full moon?"
PC2: "Our DM."

"Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational battle hut!"

"View. Or View not. There is no Scry."

[Lord Vukodlak]

Dwarf: "Where's the tavern I could use some ale?"
Mayor: "Ale... what's ale?"
Dwarf: "Noooooooooooooooooooooo (takes deep breath)ooooooooooooooooooo
Mayor: "Oh calm down why don't you head downstairs to the Tavern and have some ale."
Dwarf: "Can we go back to the Kender village."

[Zavoniki]

PC1: "Have you heard of Star Wars?"
PC2: "Uhm... "
PC1: "Right, the carriage I'm in is full of girls and I need to change somewhere, let me in please?"

And from the same session and in a similar vein:

PC2: "Let me guess you're the ones who didn't know what Star Wars was."
NPCs: "No... we didn't. Is it important?"
PC2: "No."
PC1: "It's very important! I think everyone should know what Star Wars is."
PC2: "I firmly agree, I just don't think its important."

More:

GM(me): "No, the dice are forcing you now."

[The Fury]

PC1: "We can still let the cult sacrifice convicted felons to their dark god right?"

PC2: "NO!"

[Amidus Drexel]

"You know things have gotten bad when you suddenly qualify for shrink item."

[TuggyNE]

"You know things have gotten bad when you suddenly qualify for shrink item."

I like this a lot because I can tell, without context, what the context was. :smallamused: A lot of these seem to require a disturbing amount of context to make sense, which isn't quite the purpose of the thread?

[DigoDragon]

"You know, the GM seems to have this disturbing desire to name all these islands after mid-section body parts. So where on this map is... oh, there's Florida."

[Amidus Drexel]

I like this a lot because I can tell, without context, what the context was. :smallamused: A lot of these seem to require a disturbing amount of context to make sense, which isn't quite the purpose of the thread?

Well, not all of the context. The relevant bits, though. Some of these I don't get (i.e., they need context for the humor), but a lot of them are quite funny regardless. :smallamused:

[Ghoradinn]

"ANNND, possibly for the first time in history, a gelatinous ooze is attempting to break grapple"

[Lothmar]

Attack, Attack, Siege the Castles! Destroy the Sculptures! Reclaim the beach! Mwhahaha!

Excuse me, is that your Halfling riding the giant mudcrab terrorizing the sandcastle competition?

Riding, no he's attempting to stop the beasts rampage.

It looks like he's whipping the beast into a frenzy!

No, no, he just rolled a 1 on his handle animal.

Oh well, guess it cant be helped then… So, he'll handle this eventually?

Oh yeah sure, we got this. We're adventurers you know.

Good enough for me, come on boys lets get back to enjoying the perks of being a guard at a festival. ~cheers~


Ya-HA!

AAHHH! ~Falls out of chair~ HEY GET BACK HERE! Sir, thank goodness
please help me that Giant bat riding halfling just stole my produce.

Stole you say? You didn't see that Stirges hiding behind the apples getting ready to drain you of blood you while you napped in that chair did you?

I~ what?

Yup, that halfling just saved your life.

Oh my, I guess a bushel of lost fruit is easily written off then.

I should hope so, keep up the good work.


Ok, yes I get that but you're not 'RIDING' so much as 'Successfully hanging on with grapple' and 'bullying' the troll into following your directions.
Yeah riding.

[jindra34]

From my last session:

"17 guards no problem, but 17 guards and a noblewoman just waking up is enough to get you to surrender?"
"Considering that of the nobles we've encountered the only one who wasn't capable of handing us our asses was a toddler I think it was an educated choice."

[Deathkeeper]

"You failed to notice the present your bull companion left as you entered the cave five minutes ago. Your boot now smells unpleasant."
That's-
"We all know the joke you're about to make, don't even bother."

[Alex12]

"Would 3000 planetars do the job?"


"Hey, wait a minute! I'm drunk!"


"Man, good thing I'm not evil, or I'd never be able to shoot the angel!"

[Lothmar]

Gm: "Roll a notice check." The Gm adds as he passes me a note as I was the only one that made it - 'Sharknado' was all that was written on it.
Me: '...Really, a Sharknado?' I scribble and return the note.
Gm: ~nods~
Me: ~sigh~
Player 1: "This could either be really good, or really bad."
Player 2: "All I know is, this better be worth it if im missing the premier of Sharknado tonight."

[Taet]

"and I won't worry, and I won't fret,
ain't no law against it yet!"
"Yes there is a law against it. Otherwise you wouldn't have been arrested."
"Not for me, I'm a girl!"
"PUT ON THE OUT OF CHARACTER HAT BEFORE SAYING THAT."
"Why?"

[Balmas]

"I make a search check."
"What are you looking for?"
"My pants."

[Alex12]

"THRUD HAVE PLAN!"


"It's a cockatrice riding a dire ape"

[Hunter Noventa]

"You mean I can use Smite Evil on the Soviets? YES!"

[DigoDragon]

"They didn't defile the temple, they had a bar-mitzvah interrupted by a frat party in the middle of a kegger during a riot."

"Think untasty thoughts! Think untasty thoughts!"

"I can only imagine it's Zecora in Bermuda shorts."

"Wait, how did he roll a 3.5 on a d8?"

"So you rolled a 22 on Search, but can't find your relevant skill?"

"Apparently we found the hallway where they invented the ancient game of Red Rover."

[PhallicWarrior]

"What were we fighting again? What system is this? Oh, bandits. We must be playing D&D!" (We were not playing D&D. We were playing A Song of Ice & Fire RPG)

"Oooh, that hits him a lot!"

"When we last left our heroes, he was playing Shadowrun, he was playing Mutants & Masterminds, he was playing Genius, and HE was playing D&D." "I'm a druid now!" (He was not a druid.)

EDIT: One more!

"You insulted Jaime Lannister right out of his saddle. And his pants."

[ZeroGear]

"How are you enjoying your tea?"
"I finish it....do I need a fortitude save?"

"You were stabbed by somebody for standing in the street?"
"Yes."
"Sounds like probable cause to me, let's go kick the door down."

"That should delay it's awakening for at least a round, if we're lucky?"
"We're not lucky."

"Does this look like the face of a liar?"
"...Yes."

"Don't worry, I'm resistant to your balls now."

"Let's not make us look like things..."
"But we are thugs."
"...and instead make us look like thieves."
"But we're thugs too."

"I think it's vengeful-something-or-other..."
"'Vengeful-something-or-other', I think that's in the 'Complete Bull**it."

"I'm going to take my cookies, find some bitches, and give the cookies to them."

[Pokonic]

"So, we are now the rulers of a large underground nation of chaotic evil gnomes, and we still cannot get our pants back?"


.......

"You cannot wear more than one ring on a finger, I think. That's just tacky."

"Even if he does look stupid, it doesn't change the fact still doesn't need to prepare spell slots now."

......

"Wait, where did you find a pair of blue jeans in the middle of Ebberon?"

"Portal, see? It has the 'made in Faerun' tag right here."

"...That just raises more questions!"

.......

"No, you cannot wear things on your horns, even if you pay a modification price for it. Especially swords."

[JediSoth]

"The poop deck is the one with the aft hole."

[Axinian]

"You realize your surroundings are photoshopped. Your life is a lie."

[Draconisister]

"There's only one right? ..... I shoot it in the face."

[Lothmar]

GM: You enter the initial cavern room, the floor is porous with small puddles and a two foot diameter hole in the center.
Player 1: "I scry the goblin leader we're searching for."
Player 2: "Well that might take awhile so im gonna use that hole in the center of the room and take a dump."
GM: "You see the goblin you are looking for stealthfully waving to his forces and is suddenly drenched in a brown substance that falls from the cieling on top of him."
Player 1: 'Goblin' - "You should raise the white flag, our dwarf needs something to wipe with anyway."

[kazrya]

"I'm a dwarf, why am I the one buying torches? That's the human's job."
"I have no money for torches."
"Not my fault you can't see in the dark."

[Ceiling_Squid]

Fighter: I mark the swarm of hands, to keep it away from my allies.
GM: I wonder how you mark a swarm?
Rogue: Now its just me and you, and you and you and you...

-------------

GM: That crit is more than enough to kill him. Your mighty blow cuts the poor Halfling in half.
Fighter: Ha! I made a Quarterling.

[ReaderAt2046]

A few goodies from a couple of my adventures:

"You wished to turn into a girl?"

"Who would think that he could find over a thousand rhymes for the word potato?"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"This is the end Nyarlathotep the final spin of your horrific processor!"

[PersonofJid]

"If anyone can do it, a rogue can."

"I turn into a wagon."

[DM Rage]

"NOT A DOUBLE MUMMY!"

"Don't eat that! It's poison! You're an idiot!"

"I am Raglar the swordmaster and Servant of Fenris". "I am Aleena, a Curate of Cuthbert" "I am Warf..... just Warf..."

[Jon_Dahl]

"I eavesdrop the goblins."
"They sound like an after-school club for mentally handicapped violent criminals."
"Well... They are like us then."

[Sith_Happens]

Player 1: "The short story is, he started the fight. That rather simplified things."
NPC: "It does tend to."
Player 2: "He also had a rather strange obsession with chipmunks."
NPC: "...That rather tends to complicate things."

"Wait, do we have to fall down the trapdoor again?"

Player 1: "So you agree to keep your original story a secret then?"
NPC: "...Oh, no. As a bard, I have an obligation to share it with the world!"
Player 1: "*sigh* How much money do you want?"
NPC: "300 gold pieces."
Player 1: "Very well. *turns to Player 2* I assume your people can arrange for the money?"
Player 3: "Wait! I sneak up behind him and threaten him with my knife."
NPC: "500."
Player 4: "I facepalm."
Player 2: "I summon a skeleton."
DM: "As he sees the skeleton claw its way from the earth, he runs."
Player 4: "I continue to facepalm."

[AmbientRaven]

"I shoot the ferret with my crossbow in anger"

~~~~~~~~~~~

(imagine this being sung) "Onwards my friends, its the goblins time to end, Their combat skills are such a farse, lets go **** them in the ****"

[Zigg'rrauglurr]

"Cookie sword!" (as in sword made from cookies)

"Can't you see that you can't see me?"

"Sorry kid. I'm afraid that your parents... are still alive"

Bandit Leader: "Vorpal dagger? That's bulls***"
*SHNUKT*
Surrendering bandit: "Sure as hell it wasn't"

"Wait so you are the me from the future that came to tell the me from the past that time travel would cause us to die prematurely causing a paradox?"
"Yes"
"Who am I again?"

Verbena: "I give the "W"itch herpes"
GM: To the coven's leader? The ancient matron with 250+ years of experience?
V: Yeah! That will teach her!
GM *rolls a couple of times* She detected your spell, she counterspelled, you now have no sex.
V: What do you mean? Like, I'm not f*****g?
GM: No, as in you lack genitals or any kind of sexual characteristic, at all.
Cultist of Ecstasy: I leave the cabal! G'night chumps.

[Lothmar]

Ewww, gummy mummy.

Gm: Ok just say you have favored enemy undead.
Player 1: Nooo, it's favored enemy Blackula.
Gm: But I have no intention on ever having a story arc related to blackulas!
Player 1: Oh so you're fine with all undead beside blackulas huh!? Racist.
Gm: ~whimper/laugh/cry~ Thats why I said just take favored enemy undead since it also applies to them, cant you just roleplay it?
Player 1: Dont you railroad me!
GM: Choo choo... ~GM glare~
Rest of party: HE'LL CHANGE IT!

Male Vampire: "And when I see Van Hellsing, I swear to the lord I will~"
Player 1: "You'll what?"
Vampire: "Ooh uh, hey Van..." Cough. "How's it uh, going?"
Player 1: "No no please, dont let me interrupt. You were just telling your minions here something." He swaggers into sight.
Vampire: "Oh it's nothing important really." He shies away slightly moving his shoulders in a curious fashion.
Player 1: "I insist..." he presses in closer.
Vampire: "This is alot harder to do then I thought it would be but i'll just come right out and say it before god and all my minions... I love you." He adds cupping your hands gently around yours and staring into your eyes as if they were the heavenly night skies before delivering a passionate kiss. ~rolls die~
Player 1: SENSE MOTIVE!
Gm: Do you really want to know if he's telling the truth?
Player 1: Ye~s~no? ~drops die and panics~
Gm: Natural 20 eh? You know from a fact while vampires are expert liars your study of them as a favored enemy negates this entirely and then some to such an extent that you would swear he is actually showing signs that he is enamored with you.
Player 1: I uhm... ~looks at sheet~ wait a minute, weren't there reports that this vampire was an absolute womanizer and when we were investigating we saved a young female noble from him!
Gm: Well yes but you used turn undead and he survived.
Player 1: SO!?
Gm: Well after fleeing from his change and fear of his new sexuality he has decided to embrace it by confessing to the man who made him realize he was gay. ~Gm adds poking him on the nose with his pointer finger~ And, that, would, be. You.
Player 2: Hah, and you thought ramming the Shaft of wood into him was gay!

[Alabenson]

I like wolves.

You look up and see an undead baby clinging to the top of your hang-glider.

Deploy pistons.

I use Legendary Arm and throw the tank at him.

This calls for subtlety, so I use Legendary Arm and throw the car at the electric pole.

Me: I run down the hall screaming FREEDOM! while waving my sword.
GM: You see a huge wall of water rushing towards you.
Me: I turn and run the other way screaming RUN AWAY! while waving my sword.

Dammit, how many times do we have to kill these bugbears?

Me: I charge the kobolds!
GM: You trip over a wire, setting off a trap that drops a large amount of rubble on you.
Me: "Hurray! Throg disarmed the trap!"

I cast light on the boar's carcass and toss it down the shaft.

Arise, my undead porcine minions!

[Paperback]

"Here lies the Adventuring Party, brutally slain by the dungeon master's shift into late-game content."

"Well I guess I'll just have to distract them with my ARMY OF GIANT SPIDERS."

PC: "I am SO Neutral Good!"
DM: "Like hell you are. Neutral Good involves things like donating to charities, hugging kittens, and generally just letting everyone else live a happy life. Neutral Good does NOT include anywhere murdering your defenseless teammate while he's in the hospital after trying to save the city because a dream told you to do it."

PC 1: "Stop! The android has a live bomb planted inside of him. Take another step and I'll blow us all to pieces."
NPC:"You're crazy! There's no way you would steal a police airship just to blow it up."
PC 1:"Try me."
PC 2:"WHY DADDY, WHY."

[Mutazoia]

"Werewolfs got nards..."

GM: The next clue seems to point to the Isle of the White-Gold towers.
Player 1: White-Gold towers? So there's an island covered in giant peni?
GM: Why do you guys always make gay jokes about my campaign?
Player 2: Hey, YOUR the one that made the isle of peni...
Player 3 (from the kitchen): I am NOT scaling the GM's mythic penis!

Dragon: "You DARE trespass in my lair and steal from MY treasure....I shall enjoy eating you all..."
Basheba: "Whoa, slow down there! You could at least offer to buy me dinner first..."

Cleric: Quick! Polymorph me into a mosquito!
Mage: Huh?
Cleric: I'll land on the giant and cast "Slay Living"...when has a mosquito ever failed a touch attack?
Fighter: When ever I use bug spray..
Cleric: Oh sure...the first thing hill giants do when they get up in the morning is bathe in "OFF"
Bard: Well they sure smell like it....

GM: You hear a gun shot and a bullet whizzes past your head.
Me: I go prone and hide in the underbrush.
GM: There is no underbrush...
Me: Crap....ok I return fire.
GM: You can't see the shooter.
Me: Why not?
GM: He's hiding in the underbrush

GM: As you peer over the railing you see the entire foyer is filled with Zombies.
Bard tugs on mages sleeve
Mage: What?
Bard (whispering): I see dead people...
Mage: (eyeroll) I cast Ice Storm
Bard tugs on mages sleeve
Mage: what?
Bard (whispering): Icy dead people....

Bard: You know we're in trouble when the pack mule has a higher body count than the Barbarian...

GM: The far walls of the chamber are hidden in shadow, the only light coming from burning brassiere's hanging from the nearby arches...
Player 1: Burning what?
GM: Brassieres'...you know large brass bowls with burning oil
Player 2: That's Brasiers!
GM: I thought it was pronounced "brassieres"
Player 1: no...brassiers are bra's
Player 3: Good god...for a moment there I thought we'd stumbled onto the set of "Indiana Jones and the temple of the rampant femi-nazi's"

Bounty hunter: I'll fire my blasters through the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles!
GM: Can't you go just ONE session with out a Monty Python reference?
Bounty hunter: (cheesy french accent)NO! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time....

Bard: "Money is not the root of all evil....NO MONEY is...."

Player 1: Man...for being "lazy sleen's" these things sure are hyper.
Player 2: Well just think...there you are quietly sunning yourself on a rock minding your own business when a wanna-be sith proctologist runs up and shoves his light saber up your tail hole...

Player 1 (Halfling): Can somebody lend me 10 gold so I can get this extra healing potion?
Player 2: Coming up SHORT?
Player 1: Yeah...so can I get the 10 gp?
Player 3: That went right over his head...
Player 2: And it wasn't even a LITTLE bit subtle...

"Wouldn't "Feminist Amazons" be redundant?

Player 1: I love kicking Horanth eggs!
Player 2: I wonder what Horanth meat tastes like
Player 3: It tastes like chicken....
Player 4: I'm pretty sure Horanth tastes like ham..
Player 5: I do not like them Sam I Am, I will not eat Horanth eggs and ham...

"How do you shimmy up a ROCK?"

"Why do you think they call them animal 'COMPANIONS'..."?

"Wait...so your telling me this is a plumb dyed, forlorned, LYING purple people feeder?"

GM: When I told you all to roll up Cleric's and pick two domains, I didn't expect you to take Death and Trickery..
Player 1: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
Player 2: Oh God....
GM: What's your character's name?
Player 1: Father Guido Sarduchi
Player 2: Check please!


Player 1: Everything my character know's in life he learned from Star Wars...
GM: Great..so did Star Wars teach him how to disarm this Nuke before it detonates?
Player 1: Yup...I blast it!
GM: You BLAST it?
Player 1: Yup...boring conversation anyway....

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Werewolfs got nards..."

So close to a direct quote from the movie.

[Sith_Happens]

"Why do you think they call them animal 'COMPANIONS'..."?

:smalleek:

[ericgrau]

"Just get through the same way you got through the first time"
"I'm 3/4 dead from the first time. I don't want to do that twice."

[Arkhosia]

"Just get through the same way you got through the first time"
"I'm 3/4 dead from the first time. I don't want to do that twice."

But why does he worry? He's only MOSTLY dead, after all.

[Mutazoia]

So close to a direct quote from the movie.

And about the same situation too....

[Gahrer]

Kind of long but still funny. No rolls where fudged during this session.

GM: The cult leader runs away from your grenade as it explodes, frantically trying to punch in the final part of the code on the console embedded in his right arm.
Player 1: Stop him before he releases the nerve gas!
Player 2: Called shot on his left arm! *roll* Critical hit! *roll* Maximum damage.
GM: Your gauss rifle blasts his arm clear of his body in a spray of blood. *roll* The cult leader is doesn't break stride. He screams to his subordinate to enter the code for him.
Player 3: Called shot on his right arm! *roll* *roll*
GM: Your gauss rifle severs his right arm in another spray of blood. It arcs through the air and lands a couple of yards away from the cult leader. *roll* The cult leader yells for his subordinate to get the arm. The subordinate jumps down and kneels in front of the mostly intact lower arm, turning it to expose the console. The cult leader attempts to shield him with his body.
Player 2: ****. How is this guy still concious? We need the leader alive. Do I have a shot?
GM: (Checking the map.) No, only Player 3 has a clear shot to the subordinate.
Player 3: Fire! *roll* *roll*
GM: Your salvo takes the subordinate straight in the bak. He topples over the arm, dead.
Player 2: Score! Let's move in and subdue the leader.
(All PC:s apporach the cult leader.)
GM: The cult leader screams in anger. He kicks the corpse of his dead comrade away from his arm. The console is still exposed.
Player 2: (Only a few yards away.) What's he going to do? Punch the keyes with his tounge?
GM: The cult leader quickly drops to his knees, trying to hit the final key before you reach him. *rolls Dexterity* *Critical success* He manages to hit the final button with his nose moments before you reach him. He erupts in manical laughter.
All players: :smalleek:
GM: You hear a hissing sound as nerve gas begins to fill the room.

[Lord Torath]

Hmm... I think many of there really belong here: More Funny D&D Stories (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=248776)

This is one I can't really take credit for. But I thought I'd share it anyway.

"Don't make me come over there and find out how much XP you're worth!"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Hey Mister Minotaur... Mooo!"

[Sith_Happens]

PC: "And what is your name?"
DM: *rolls* "...I have no idea what I just rolled for, but it's a 20."

"...Wait, where's Kluk-chuk been in all this."
*laughter*
"Wow, he's like a familiar, but even worse."

"I throw a rock at it."
"It turns to face you, but otherwise does nothing."
"I throw another rock at it."
"It charges you."

"Kluk-chuk seen things, man. Kluk-chuk no longer like city. Kluk-chuk country science from now on."

"I still can't believe you have four Strength."

[DigoDragon]

Tyllae: "How many guards did you bring with you?"
Prince: "None, why?"
Tyllae: *Critical hit- Punch to the Prince's face*

[ZeroGear]

"Oh yeah, 'Search his body to find his rod and touch it', sounds reasonable."

"It was Cake."
"Cake?"
"It was a lie, therefore it must be cake!"

"You teleported into a tsunami."

"Thank-you our magical, walking swiss-army-knife."

"It is specific to the pacific!"

"It's natural!"
"It's not!"

"So he's watching us right now?"
"Possibly."
"Alright, I drop my pants!"

"Who would you call first if you were in a dire situation?"
"Mom?"

"How about we keep turning everyone into bunnies?"

"We took out a Demon Duke!"
"Devil Duke."
"We took out a Devil Duke!"
"A duplicated Devil Duke!"

"Be a monk, then you car really put people down with your ba**s."

"There's no doors in here! Man that travel agent lied!"

[Arkhosia]

"Behold Conan, the mighty mino-bunny barbarian!"

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Lord send me a nemesis who isn't my brother-in-law."

[Cealocanth]

"If you were not meant to be eaten you wouldn't be so tasty."

[Dimers]

PC 1: "Everything that we killed has been zombifimicated."
PC 2: "That what y'all call a 'scientific term?'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's, like, an evil undead Noah's Ark."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PC 1: "So we've got mummy bears..."
PC 2: "And daddy bears."
PC 3: "Someone's been sleeping in *my* coffin!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"We could look under the bed, too, but that's probably just his collection of evil Playboys."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Elves don't get constipated. They glow."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
o/~ I'm bringin' home a demon bumblebee ... o/~
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wait, I didn't sign up for greased demon wrestling."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oy! Gruumsh led us around the desert for 40 years, because he had only one eye!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"'She's an elf,' you said. 'She's just short for an elf,' you said, 'and some elves have gills,' you said."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PC 1: "They're sending us a message in Norse code."
PC 2: "Borkbork, bork, borkborkbork, bork, borkbork!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"I make several assumptions, all contradictory."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PC 1: "We can make camp in the woods, or we can make camp here."
PC 2: "Are the trees still on fire?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Humans will believe anything. That's why there are half-elves."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DM: "You see the ogre looting PC 1's body."
PC 2: "Dammit, that was my plan!"

[Deathkeeper]

"Hey Mister Minotaur... Mooo!"

I can't tell if thinking doing this is appropriate means someone has or has not been reading a certain part of Dragonlance.

[Yukitsu]

"You know, I'm pretty sure I can get us out of this problem by getting eaten."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (x400)"
"Seriously, stop laughing it's been four hours."

"I just wanted you all to know, I hate you all and am pretty glad that none of you will be joining me in hell."

"It ate me? Little does it know that this is when I'm at my strongest!"

"PLASMA MISSILES!"

"It's been eating adventurers for decades? That means there's decades of loot in there. Lemme in there!"

"OK, you've forced my hand. The only way out of this is to go back in time to turn Hitler into a zombie."
"I think I must have screwed up somewhere."
"Yes, you did."

"It ate me? Frags out!"
"Goddamnit, stop getting eaten."

[Jay R]

"Seriously, stop laughing it's been four hours."

For elations lasting more than four hours, please consult a doctor.

[Dimers]

For elations lasting more than four hours, please consult a doctor.

Or a mage of sufficient level to cast crushing despair on you. (Please remove any leaden items you may be wearing on your head.)

[Arkhosia]

Or a mage of sufficient level to cast crushing despair on you. (Please remove any leaden items you may be wearing on your head.)

Halflings who follow their ancient customs need not apply.

[Sgt. Cookie]

"So yesterday really DID happen? Great. Well, better get the day going then."

"OK, so no one is attacking any one else. Why?"

"You look like you expect a crossbow bolt to appear out of the shelves."

"Looks like some bog standard beatings are what we need to use."

"Any idea as to what it does?"

"Reality itself is streamlining these encounters for us"

"We seem to lack purpose, beyond 'keep breathing' ... a good, if short-sighted goal."

"Fear not, small, bookish person."

"I assure this won't hurt at all. Unless it is miscast. Or you violate the tenets of the spell. Or if you resist me."

[Scarey Nerd]

"I give the book all my memories, so I have amnesia. For the second time."

[Rover]

"Did you upset the balance of nature AGAIN?"
"Maybe..."

[Darthteej]

"I'm gonna midwife your children!"

[Lothmar]

"I know you have improved unarmed strike, but did you really need to Paunch him?"

-----

Buff character - "Get your Ab cakes here, available in singles, sets or the money saving six pack! And for large functions we also offer the Ab and pectoral set!"
Fat Hedonist Noble NPC - "Mmmmm-Ohhh yes, can I get an ab and pectoral set with a honey glaze so that it shimmers like fresh oil?"
Player of Buff Character to GM - "...For some reason, im less comfortable with what im doing. Well played sir."

---------

Party Thief: "How did you find us, it was the perfect crime!"
NPC: "We may not have discovered it was you, if it were not for your associate deviating to leave behind some scrying material in the chamber pot."
Party Bard: "Ok guys, considering all the **** that mage had to go through to find us I think we should turn ourselves in."

[Forrestfire]

"When we last left off, our brave heroes or low-fat hero substitutes had decided that, of all the ancient entities in Runeterra, the most reasonable would probably be the horrifyingly alien sea monster."

[Pokonic]

"Okay, I have to admit the mental image of a Solar and a Pit Fiend fighting back-to-back is pretty sweet, but that doesn't explain why there kid is LN."

[xkaliburr]

"And as your lance pierces it, it splits in two. Now there are two buttholes on the wall."

[Doomboy911]

"Plan A is now chickens"

Message me if you want context.

[Fireheart]

"Elwin, take off your helmet."

"I'm not going anywhere without my Krag!"

[DigoDragon]

GM: "He looks like a combination of Thurston Howell the 3rd and Mr. Magoo."
Tyllae: "That's the SAME guy!"


GM: "He's a wizard with a few million imaginary friends."
Tegan: "Imaginary, huh?"
Tyllae: "Let me remind you that he's a wizard. They aren't imaginary."
Sparks: "Let me remind you that I'm also a wizard. They're imaginary if he's an illusionist."
Tegan: "And if he's a necromancer?"
Bravo: "That's more like non-imaginary slave friends."
Tyllae: "Friends that you keep around past their prime."


Sparks: "That might be for the best. She doesn't want to touch it and I'm wondering if it's either flammable or if it'll blend."

[Lord Vukodlak]

"Real gods of trickery don't grant the domain its a dead give away."

[ericgrau]

PC 1 (sits on prince's throne): "I'm the ruler of the land!"
Prince: "Fortunately leadership isn't determined by what you sit in."
PC 2 (in a wheel chair, cartoon drama voice): "If that were true I would be the leader of these... X men"

[Reltzik]

"That's NOT WHAT RECTIFY MEANS!"

[Zavoniki]

"I'm Dwight."

[Lord Vukodlak]

"We left the priestess, unconscious, and-cuffed to the bed after taking her clothes".
—The Paladin.

[Yukitsu]

"We're just going to loot all their stuff then hand them into the local woman's prison."
"They didn't actually commit any crimes."
"Bring them to a rival gang?"
"After taking all their clothes? I think that makes us the criminals here."

"No, you can't take the spider prisoner."

"I report complete success! We have a kill to death ratio of 4 to 1! As an aside, I'm going to need a lot more pathfinders. Have you got any more kicking about?"

"OK look guys, we're going to have to institute a sole survivor policy where I'm the only one that can carry party journals or plot items, because really, none of you rubes ever seem to make it out alive. Alternatively, stop dying all the time."

[Sith_Happens]

"Dangit d20, you know just how to make my character look bad, don't you?"

"There's a rather large hole in your plan."
"And what would that be?"
"Chain Lightning."

"Your mother is uglier than me."

"Wait, where's [the kobold] been this whole time?"
"That line's going to be the running gag of this campaign, isn't it?"

"Seriously guys, at least my cliché tragic backstory is played for laughs."

[Amidus Drexel]

"Take that, you stupid piece of igneous rock!"
"Er... that's iron."
"Yeah, I know. It gets sadder when you talk down to it, though."

[Kazyan]

"You know what? Fine. I've seen weirder things. You can be a bear."

[The Fury]

"This is just a cup of melted butter. I am not drinking this!"

[One Step Two]

"We're gonna backstab her aren't we?"
"We're the good guys, of course we are!"
"No, we're not going to betray her damnit, we're just going to mind-control her and make her do our bidding, why are you trying to make this so difficult?"

"So, what are you guys doing during downtime?"
"The Fox-lady and her daughter."
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"My characters wife approves!"

"This fight is easy, aslong as we keep our pants on."
"The breath-weapon can dissolve our clothes."
"Damnit!"

"Does everything we do need to be couched in sex and innuendo?"
"More like bedded."
"I hate you."

[ericgrau]

DM: I dunno can you make an instrument out in the wilderness
PC1: Ya we just brought back some antelopes for meat. I can make strings out of the intestines and glue out of a connective tissue. Assuming I can get a boiling pot and a carving knife from camp?
DM: Ok, ya.
...
PC2: What shall I name my horse?
PC1: Strings and Glue!

[Pokonic]

"So, the local vampire lord sounds like Gilbert Gottfried?"

"No, he is Gilbert Gottfried."

[Alex12]

"I'll eat it!"
"It's fruit that's been left to rot for years. Your positive wisdom modifier tells you this is a bad idea."
"I'll eat it anyway!"
"Fine. Make a Fort save against poison."
"17"
"Okay. You fight off the waves of nausea threatening to overwhelm you. Now what do you do?"
"I'll eat some more!"

[Necroticplague]

P:"Yes, natural 20!"
DM:"Unfortunately, natural 20s on spot checks aren't automatic successes."
*everyone else rolls spot*
DM:"The only person who had a decent chance of pulling this off rolled a one."

[Doomboy911]

"Ok I use shapechange to look like the terminator."
"I kick down the door to the town hall and threaten to eat a pomeranian"
"Fine I eat the pomeranian but use shapechange so it lives"

"What's that the spells about to run out I cough up the pomeranian"
"Why did you eat a pomeranian?"
"To fight city hall"

"I'm nowhere near the door I'm inspecting chickens"

[Sith_Happens]

"...Did you just write the bard down in your inventory?"

Player: "It's the Shield of Wonder, isn't it?"
DM: "As far as you know, it isn't called that."

"I kiss it and see if anything happens."
"The shield blushes and says 'No, not on the first date.'"

"I fall into a deep depression."

[TimeWizard]

"You think I'm a terrible person? Good. The Empire needs terrible people. Lots of them."

[Amidus Drexel]

Gah, there were so many good ones from this last session... I wish I'd written them all down. Hell, every conversation with the priestess was hilarious, as the players' desperate attempts to convince her that they were telling the truth made them sound like paranoid conspiracy theorists. :smallbiggrin:


PC1: "I mountain hammer the door!"
PC2: "...Did you even try opening it?"
PC1: "Nope!"


PC1: "Have you seen Swiss cheese? You will be envious of the holes in Swiss cheese!"


PC1: "Ahahaha! One point for the crazy grave-robbers!"

[ZeroGear]

"Chewie; thinking with your stomach, back up."

"You don't have to do mythbusters, you hit the rope: it breaks."

"Bumble fumbles."

"It had one hit point left for the last ten rounds."

"Alright, let's roast it!"

"Sparkly sparklies!...Oh no!"

"I am the Sprite Smasher!"

"Ghost! Run!"

"You're going to suck the thing that sucks vitality?"

[TriForce]

"i fireball the gnome children in the playground"

*female PC shaking hands with every female in a elf village*
"why are you doing that?"
" IM MAKING BABIES! "

"can i model the chicken in a way that it is the general shape and size of a human hand?"

"they have some standard improvised tents"

[Marillion]

"You should not grumble about not killing children!"

"My name is Tonov. As in, bricks. As in, what I hit you like."

"You heroically leap over the unconscious damsel"

"Does it land with a splortch?"

"Bulk up that thumb muscle."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Duh, they want the king to return home. They need a fop to die for their country."
King: "You do realize I'm standing right here."
Sparks: "Who do you think I was talking to, the barbarian?"
King: "Sheesh, thanks for the vote of confidence."
Tyllae: (In best British accent) "You don't vote for kings."

[Lothmar]

Wait a second, the slip's ship name is 'The Freudian'!?

[CarpeGuitarrem]

"You know who I am? I'M THE F%$#^ING LION OF BRAELAND!"

"ABC Creature Catchers speaking; the 'd' is for 'discretion'."

[Lorin]

-You're not a witch, aren't you?
- No, in my city we don't have any witches
- And who you DO have?
- Inqusition!


- Our city is not stretchable!
- But i AM good at stretching!

"My character is starting to talk when i am in his paranoia zone"

- Victim had any enemies?
- I think he was a drow...

- She looked at me with SUCH eyes! Maybe she is a Fate Witch! I don't want to be friends with her!
- Well, maybe she is not a fate witch and just your fate?

- Is that your girlfriend?
- Yes, we have made weapons together...
- Is that how kids call it this days?
- Yes! EXACTLY! At night, boy and girl, alone, sit together in a basement and make weapons, because in our ravaged country we don't have time for anything else!

- You have done this traps brilliantly!
- Yup, so brilliantly that i think everyone can see them...

-Have you ever heard of Baphomet?
- Oh, i have!
- And...
- It is a Russian Clown! VERY funny!

[Dovius]

"Oh christ, the heads are still in my bag."

[Zazax]

PC1: "So I'm an ace mecha pilot who can create and destroy entire alternate realities just by thinking about it, and you're a half-human hybrid with memory problems who also happens to have broken the laws of the universe and been resurrected. Somehow, we're still the most normal couple at this table."

PC 1: "So, what's your deal?"
NPC: "I'm... alone..."
PC 1: "Nice to meet you, Alone!"
NPC: *death glare*

PC 1: "I'm not going to question how the Chinese were able to bury an artillery piece the size of a city block in the middle of the United States."
DM: "We'll just say it happened a long time ago."
PC 1: "Taking their cues from martians then, I suppose."

PC 2: "Oh, you've got to be kidding..."
PC 1: "I'm sorry, I just don't see it."
NPC: "Do I need to spell it out for you?"
PC 1: "That would be most helpful, actually. Please do."
NPC: "She wants to ride you to the moon, mate."
PC 1: "She what?!"
PC 2: "I hate you so much right now."

[Tsubakii]

PC1: You have to pull out!
PC2: PULLING OUT IS FOR QUITERS!!!!!!!!!

[Galileo]

"Even with Enlarge Person, you can't fart the fog away."

DM: He spits in your face.
Me: I spit in his lunch.
DM: He throws his lunch in your face.
Me: I eat the lunch!

[Brennan1214]

How would they not notice a wheelbarrow full of molotov cocktails?

I call him "The person".

There is now a dead guy leaking blood on the sidewalk. Didn't you say something about being stealthy?

I steal the table.

[Jon_Dahl]

DM: "All right, guess the level of the human fighter you just defeated?"
Player 1: "Six."
Player 2: "Hmmm... Six..."
Player 3: "Seven."
Player 4: "Nine."
DM: "Four. Strictly Core only."

[TriForce]

from the campaign 2 days ago:

"i think we just made the lich cry"

"i grab the marilith and throw her away"

[Lord Raziere]

From one of my favorite campaigns:
"What? Eeeeew, no! I'm not a Skinny! You look ugly, no fur, no fangs, no claws or even a tail! You are not in any ways, a desirable mate. I'd rather mate with the ugliest Kryannan in the world, than an Apefolk."

"I hope they don't set me up with another stupid axe-wielding Kryan-Man high on catnip."

"Druids Grove, Pawn and shop. Oh gimme a break. Somewhere theres a horde of pissed off tree huggers right now my dear. Welp lets get this charade overwith."

"Do you want to anger such gods, Hadrick Half-Assed?"

"Watch it. Pink Dragon boots are workable if your a bad ass"

"Ow, Da hell dad? No magical wings to ferry me safely to earth? No archons of light singing my glory in a magical entrance? Just ok faceplant? You cheap bastard!"

"Oh sure, just what I want a four legged smart ass horse or worse some celestial freaking Unicorn walking one sparkles and rainbows spreading love and justice! Bogden, No. I got this, see this sick freaking sword of holy fire? See how it glows with righteous fury? This right here is a good trade off."

[Lothmar]

Dragon: "I see, your battle plan is quite impressive and you seem to have all the details set so the question remains. Why did you need me to come here?"
Me: "Well, I suppose we could use an audience."


Can I use a grapple check to unfurl the mummy like a Japanese woman wearing one of those sashes?


Gm: The buckshot wrenches stuffing from its body and tears apart its seams. One of its ears is now missing and only one of its button like eyes remains dangling by a thread from its now almost missing face as the stuffed bear continues to waddle towards you with its arms spread wide in... palpable...Anticipation.
Player: I've never been so freighted of receiving a hug from a teddy bear.


I walk into a bar and set a large chest of coin on a table followed by a six shooter pistol and a box of ammunition. "Come ye brave and suicidal to a five bullet game of Russian roulette. One hundred gold entry goes into the pot, sign the waiver before playing. Victory wins you the chest of gold, failure gets you a bullet in the head. As the house I am willing to play first, or we can decide turn order via dice or lots."

A gang of ten approaches. "Me and four boys will play but i'd like to inspect the gun first." They add setting the coin on the table. After they check it they hand it back and the bullets are loaded and I let it spin before pointing it to my head and pulling the trigger with a 'click'.

"You lose." I add shooting the five others. The other five have drawn their guns at this point. The tension is thick, they have me out numbered and with no ammo left in my gun and yet all I had to say was. "Double or nothing gentlemen?" And they look at each other and run for the door.

[ZeroGear]

"You guys are mounted."

"Great, we have a cleric sandwich!"
"We're magically delicious."

"We are no longer dooming people, the horse is healed."

"Fellas, I think we're being watched by the forest."

"This is going to turn into an episode of 'when trees attack', I just know it."

"You have been stickafied!"

"You have not been stickafied,"
"Yay!"
"The spooge missed you."
*facepalm*

"What are you doing?"
"EVIL DOLL!"

"It's time for the Bad Touch!"

"You rat-b**tards!"
"Rat? No, weasel!"
"MY WEASEL!"

"Back you over-grown ice-thingie!"

"He like to whip it."
"Whip it good!"

"You're going to priest it to death."

"You're going to literally spank the bad little girl."

"I guess there is a memphit to this madness."

"Bring out the stake!"
"But where are we going to get a cow at this time of night?"

"Don't cook the ice memphit! Don't cook the ice memphit! Don't cook the ice memphit! Don't cook the ice memphit!"

"I don't know how I can add to this... I take a stick and put on a marsh n' mellow."

"Smack him in his stupid face."

"[the ice troll] [is] running away, on fire, and screaming like a little girl."

"What did you just do?"
"I'm using the goblin to check for traps."

"Holy molly! There's some fungus among us!"

"What do you see around the corner?"
"Abbot and Costello!"

"You notice that everyday, when you wake up, the goblin is covered in glitter."
"The goblin LIKES being shiny."
"OH GOD! The goblin is a VAMPIRE!"

"I detect evil!"
"You detect something."
"Guys, there's something evil in this room!"
"Yeah, evil SH*T!"

"There's a squid on my head!"

[SassyQuatch]

"Zeevox let mage general finish, but Zeevox have to say that the best inspiring bard song belongs to Arsala."

"Arsala! Need song to help! Sing! Row row row boat down dangerous rapids with hideous beast!"

"And high priest has been kidnapping elves for dark sacrifices."
Mic drop.
"Zeevox thinks running now is good idea."

[sparky9042]

"You think 'Bob' is a Drow name."

[Deathkeeper]

"Wait, so I can have a dragon working customer support?"

Paladin: "Can I stab that baby?"

GM: "The Paladin's bovine mount has officially been cursed to switch gender every time he calls it the wrong word."

[Pokonic]

"Okay, who Awakened the horse and painted it pink?"

"Who care's, we needed a new rogue anyway."

[Cloud]

"Seriously, we're the worst group of people ever."

"Why is the Dread Necromancer the most good party member?"

"How exactly do you stop your zombies smelling like, well, corpses?"
"+5 Air Freshener"

"The silence rock implodes."

"...So that's 84d6 damage."
"Right, let's take the average."
"Aww, can't I roll it, please?"

[Mekboy]

"Operation Brian Blessed is go!"

[Vortalism]

"I remove the door from matter."

"Why did we just pray to an arse god?"

"If I'm undead and inflict spells heal me...then if I hurt myself, I will become invincible!!!"

"Damn it, I didn't remove him from matter.. just atomised him.."

[Cloud]

"I rub the elf on the wall."

"Would you guys for once just kill them!"

[Amidus Drexel]

Three session's worth of quotes... and I've missed a whole bunch.

PC1: "When I feel **** going on in my noggin', and it's just after harassing a woman... something's going down."

PC2: "But... you're good!"
PC1: "I'm neutral anger-management issues, and suspicious."

PC1: "I can't prove it yet, but if you just take into account that all my insane ramblings have been correct so far..."

PC2: "We got jumped by Satan himself!"

PC1: "What I'm thinking, is that we kill the s*** out of this woman."

PC2: "Come to my room, we'll tie him up."
PC1: "We're in a burning building!"
PC2: "Oh, right."

PC1: "Lemme see your greatsword."
PC2: "Why?"
PC1: "I'm going to kill you with it."

PC1: "You don't find anyone just laying in a crypt that's evil unless they're evil."

[Ceaon]

Paladin: "Let's think of how to make the king respect us."
Rogue: *opens his mouth*
Paladin: "Without killing him."

Rogue who is secretly a vampire: "I could cross the water, but I don't want to.
Rest of the party: "Why not?"
Rogue: "Ehm, because I am a vampire."
Rest of the party: "Yeah, right."

Halfling: "I bite the werewolf."
DM: "From your height? Ouch."

Cleric: "We have to thank my god for this victory."
Barbarian: "You have a funny way of saying 'roar'."

Wizard: "Look at my little stick."
Fighter: "He means his magic wand.
...
His boomstick.
...
His rod of wonder.
...
Not his penis."

[Alex12]

"I eat the broken glass."
(later)
"I autohypnotize myself to stay asleep while he's feeding me sand"
(later)
"I eat the bat guano."

"I write in my notes: Unlike broken glass and sand, crows cannot eat bat guano."


"Man, Truenamer is really powerful."


"Wait, how did the pony get over the pit?"
"Her name is Pinkie Pie, and you're asking that question?"

[The Rose Dragon]

"I snort some of the unidentified dust in the crates we found."

"Finally, someone does something smart!"

_/_/_/_/

"My puppy (the werewolf PC) can beat your puppy (the dragon NPC)."

[Man on Fire]

"I have the feeling we're going to guard a borthel."

"So then this huge guy tried to have me under him but I wouldn't let him. And then those two guys double-sided on me. Things got really hasty and one took it really badly in the back. The onther one wasn't that interested so he called that really horny guy..."
Yes, it's from DBZ Abriged. I still used it, I swear to god.

"I'm not playing with my flute in public. First I hide in the shadows."

[ZeroGear]

"It's not the size of the spear, it's how you use it."

"I'm a halfling, I could just back up under a table."

Inattentive Guard: "She pulled out this gigantic piece if food; I think she was trying to marry me!"

*Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak*
*Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak*
*Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak*
*Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!*

"What are you doing this far north, Pathfinder?"
"Um...Finding paths?"

"No, not orgy!"
"Wait, what?"
"Was trying to type 'murder of crows', I hate spellcheck."

"There's the goat...where's the guy?"

"Beware the goat!"

"I'll provide a delicious distraction!"

"In the name of touching goats!"

"Hey, do you know what a spire is?"
"Did you just ask a GOD that?"

"Here's Arial, goddess of mermaids, talk to her."

"Oh, you said camps of concentration, not concentration camps!"

"How many of you are on this boat?"
"Three times as many as you guys!"
*counts fingers* "Alright, that's 13!"
"Well, someone failed their intelligence check."

"Does this look like the face of a liar?"
"Yes."

"Can I do now?"
"No, I don't think so."

"You were talking philosophy with a manta ray."

"The turtle is the spanish inquisition."

"3.5 and pathfinder are rule stupid."
"You have a turtle that goes first!"
"Point taken."

[Pokonic]

"Ah, Cuddlesnort, we meet again! Prepare yourself!"



"Well, the Gem-Bearers hate the Silvered Blades for killing there leader and consuming his child, while the Bloodsprayers hate the both of them because of the team up the had going on against them in the last war, the Soulsplitters and the Knife-Eaters are in the middle of a war because of the fact that it was discovered that the leadership of both of them were taking orders from the Dragonshearers, who are also trying to suppress a peasant uprising that is being funded by the Gem-Bearers and Soulsplitters, even though both of them are at war with each other as a response to both parties betraying each other in the middle of there war with the Dragonshearers, who they also were assisting in suppressing the Bloodsprayers."

"Ah, politics. Reminds me of home!"

[Cloud]

"I lick it."
"...It...tastes like moss?"

"I lick it."
"Make a fort save."

"Yay, I get to sleep with the horses!"

"I lay on hands myself at night."

"Easy if handled with fire ball."

[Silva Stormrage]

"Look I am sure your all powerful and all but your last four minions said that too. Could you just give us back our friend or are we going to have to murder you first? After the 5th collapsing lair we went through we ARE kinda in the mood to kill something"

[Milo v3]

During the Playtest of a system I was making
"The rules did say a vampire could slaughter a whole army without difficultly didn't it?"
"Technically...."

"I place my pistol to the side of my head, and shoot the jerk."

"Are you okay?"
"I just blew my brains out the side of my skull and that's what you ask!"

[Sith_Happens]

During the Playtest of a system I was making
"The rules did say a vampire could slaughter a whole army without difficultly didn't it?"
"Technically...."

"I place my pistol to the side of my head, and shoot the jerk."

"Are you okay?"
"I just blew my brains out the side of my skull and that's what you ask!"

Were you making a new edition of Don't Rest Your Head or something?:smallconfused:

[Milo v3]

Were you making a new edition of Don't Rest Your Head or something?:smallconfused:

Nope, this is Darkness the Sworn. Never heard of Don't Rest Your Head; and after a glance at Tvtropes, no it's not really like that.

It's more like a World of Darkness setting, using non-standard system specific monsters, and basing the mechanics off of another homebrew system called Pokemon Tabletop United.

[Ace Nex]

"I want to lick it, but I'm scared".

[Doc_Pippin]

"Ok so to maximize range the catapult launches the Goliath the Goliath throws the Elf the elf chucks the halfling and the halfling throws a bunch of stuff, it's perfect"

"Ninja theory is always applicable"

"A gnome is just a fancy name for an anthropomorphized football, and therefore punting it is not against my paladin's code"

"A paladin with 5 int can justify any action with stupid

Barbarian 1: I punch the goo
"Make a fort save... you fall unconscious"
Barbarian 2: I taste the goo
"Now you make a fort save... you also fall unconscious"
Barbarian 3: I scoop up the goo and throw it at the rogue
"YOU ALL DIE IS SUDDEN CASCADE OF STUPIDITY"
Rogue: Don't I get a reflex roll to avoid said cascade

[ZeroGear]

"Hey, Listen! hey, Listen!"

"I go to the bar to see if I can find any good leads."
"Alright, how do you go about it?"
"I'm going to find a barmaid and ask her if she knows anything."
"Do you use the gossip skill?"
"Nope, no ranks in that."
"What skills do you use then?"
"Presence skill with my body stat!"

"Your 'Running from the mob' skill is better than theirs."

"So the noble and his escort are visiting the monarch, the mage is healing the sick people in the church, the gambler is running form the mob of angry villagers, and I'm 'getting information' in the bar, correct?"

"So I can actually blast people with fire while I'm healing this guy?"

[Man on Fire]

I pick horse out of my equipment and throw it at the guards.

[Lothmar]

Me: "I feel, a disturbance. As though a million monkeys had cried out at once and then were silenced..." ~snicker~
Gm: "DARK SIDE POINT!"
Me: "Damnit, ok i'll accept that darkside point if anyone can say that with a straight face."