Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION! [Archive] - Page 5

Janus

2014-02-08, 10:13 PM

*wielding a zweihander around like a madman* ":smallfurious: THERE WILL BE GOLF!"

---

"You're the first person to ever get past that part of this campaign without a fight."
"That is how I paladin."

---

"Fare thee well, dirty old man!"

---

"Captain, you should know that my friend and I have a very particular set of skills. Skills which make us a nightmare for people like those outside the walls."

---

"Yeah, the church has fallen on hard times. The bishop had to lay off his toilet attendant!"

---

"What ho!"
"Don't call my daughter a 'ho!'"
":smallannoyed: See this here?" *shows holy symbol*
"Ah, yes, a venerable knight of the Holy Order of God or Whatever You Want to Call It! How can I help you?"

---

"Well, I saw a knight out there from One of the Other Holy Orders of God or Whatever You Want to Call It."
"Actually, he's from the Holy Order of God or Some Such."

---

"I've seen some crap that'll turn you WHITE!"

---

"So, I have some questions I'd like to ask."
"Tagli does not answer questions."
"Where're you from, Tagli?"
"From here."
"Thanks for answering my question, Tagli."
"...:smallamused:"

---

"I'm a different kind of priest."

---

"You ever hear the one about the bishop, the honeycomb, and the brothel?" *roll Interaction* "And that's the story of how I became a paladin!"

---

*stab* "Go with God, my son." *rushes skewered man into his buddy, killing both* "May He have mercy on your soul."

ddude987

2014-02-08, 11:49 PM

*singing* "I gave birth to my myself twice"

Player: "Did he eat the furniture?"
DM: "What do you think?"
*the answer was yes*

Player: "If you know so much, what's in my bag then?"
Player 2: "A child, its been obvious the whole time."
Player 3: "Yeah, he's been carrying it for 6 months now."

Player: "Well, he isn't a prisoner, its his stuff." *Points at piles of magic stuff*
Player 2: "Well I'm keeping this!" *pulls out toilet seat*
DM: "Should I mention its chrome..."

Sith_Happens

2014-02-09, 08:11 AM

"What ho!"
"Don't call my daughter a 'ho!'"
":smallannoyed: See this here?" *shows holy symbol*
"Ah, yes, a venerable knight of the Holy Order of God or Whatever You Want to Call It! How can I help you?"

---

"Well, I saw a knight out there from One of the Other Holy Orders of God or Whatever You Want to Call It."
"Actually, he's from the Holy Order of God or Some Such."

These both sound like part of a great Monty Python sketch.

...And now for something completely different! (SPOILER ALERT: I'm talking about quotes.)

"I like your tights."
"I didn't realize that those qualified as business-wear, though. ...At least not that kind of business."

"Firstly, [shapeshifting PC], is that you, secondly, was that a Mountain Hammer, thirdly, what the hell just happened here, and fourthly, that guy had better be alive."

"Either [BBEG] was really concerned about his dinnerware being stolen, or there's something important in here somewhere."

"My weapon is Merciful now."
"Huh, you're the last person I'd expect to have one of those."
"I do have the Healing Domain."

DM: "...Yes, what an interesting development."
Player 1: "By which you mean 'I in no way planned for this.'"
Player 2: "Hey, he's the one who said there was a scroll of Dispel Magic in the last room."

"I KICK DOWN THE DOOR."
"The door was not locked."

"Upon meeting your character, I proposition him."

"You recognize it as the phallic architecture of the Freudonians."

Recherché

2014-02-09, 12:48 PM

"Are you sure you want to show up in [Big Neutral Good Aligned Port] in a stolen war galley crewed by deserters and pirates with a huge chest of stolen religious artifacts and several strippers on board?

"What other choice do we have?"

Heritic

2014-02-09, 05:19 PM

"Dwarves are meant to carry stuff FACT"

"Is stop becoming a Bromance when payment is involved"

"Barbra the defiler will not be trifled with!"

"I didn't realize that was YOUR character"

"We all may have died but at least we killed that damn gnome"

GPuzzle

2014-02-09, 05:54 PM

"Wait, when did you start watching Gainax anime?"
"Last night."

"ACTIVATE THE POWAH!"

"C'mon, you aren't Kamina and you'll never be."
"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" *this was towards the player, not the character*

"Great, it's like a Saturday morning on Tumblr again."

Spore

2014-02-09, 07:05 PM

"Wait, when did you start watching Gainax anime?"
"Last night."

"Your character pic is from Full Metal Alchemist."
"What's that?"

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120324105143/spongebob/images/e/e8/24_Hours_Later..._.png

"Alphonse is quite the character."
"I agree. How much did you watch of it?"
"Uhm....all?"

Zale

2014-02-10, 04:47 PM

"Would anyone like to purchase a slightly used hobbit?"

Prehysterical

2014-02-11, 11:09 PM

"Who wants to ride in the meat canoe?"

Lothmar

2014-02-12, 02:19 PM

me: Dont rock the pope!
other players: Dont rock the pope baby~
Me: ...Rock the pope?
other players: Dont tip the pope over~

--------

Me: Sir if you would *cough* excuse me, now as I was *Cough* sorry as I was *cough*
Gm: Three strikes, you're out. Diplomacy fail.

-------

Player 1: Brrr, it's getting cold out. Throw another refugee on the fire.
Player 2: You want a live one, or a dead one?
Player 1: Make it a live one, the refugees will need something to eat to keep up their strength for the march out of the mountains tomorrow.

Ionbound

2014-02-12, 09:07 PM

This one goes out to you, Samshiir.

"That's...That's really evil.
I learned from the masters."

Baroncognito

2014-02-13, 01:22 AM

"Did you know you taste like a half-elf?"

Werephilosopher

2014-02-13, 04:15 AM

"If you don't have a wooden stake, I guess you could kill the vampire with your solid-gold dildo."

"I grab the orc by his (expletive) and fling him into the bonfire!" "The amount of oil he has on should cause him to catch fire immediately."

"He throws his greatsword down at you, and it spears through your chest and pins you to the ground." "Cool!"

Tassyr

2014-02-13, 04:31 AM

"Braining someone with a wooden leg is not subtle!"

"How dead is he?"
"Well, on the sliding scale of 'dead' to 'dead,' I think he's STILL DEAD."

"Oh, and our spellcaster is bleeding from his eyes. Was that important?"

"The mage is on fire again."

GM: "Congratulations. You failed that bluff check so hard that the priest is going to try and EXORCISE you now."

Sith_Happens

2014-02-13, 07:51 AM

"I grab the orc by his (expletive) and fling him into the bonfire!" "The amount of oil he has on should cause him to catch fire immediately."

I suddenly get the feeling that this is something that's going to happen in my group too at some point.:smallsigh:

Ionbound

2014-02-13, 09:34 PM

"Why does everything we face have to be fire-based?!"

Janus

2014-02-13, 09:46 PM

"Stewart the Steward?" *holds up holy symbol like a police/FBI/whatever badge* "I have some questions regarding your lord's recent disappearance."

LadyMeyers

2014-02-14, 03:34 PM

"You still don't get dinner. At least not from me."
"Aw, does that mean you won't be going to the prom with me?"

Cristo Meyers

2014-02-14, 04:37 PM

"Dice? You don't understand. I don't have dice. What I've got is pure malice and deceit crystallized into polyhedral form. They hate everyone."

GPuzzle

2014-02-14, 04:52 PM

"Gentlemen, I've gathered you today to blow up this damn building while you are in."
"That was unexpected."

"RUN! IT'S BORIS, THE FLUFFY RUSSIAN RABBIT!"
"BRING ME THE HOLY ATOMIC BOMB!"

"He's gonna sing! Run for your lifes!"

"I know how to fix this! I need someone to knock me unconscious, 2 meters of rope, a tall building and someone that knows how to make good knots."
"This is either suicide or the weirdest fetish I've ever heard."
"It's sort of both."

Turalisj

2014-02-14, 05:33 PM

"Dwarves taste like beer. Beer and loneliness."

Janus

2014-02-14, 05:36 PM

":smallmad: Where's Alex?"
"Not gonna lie- Alex is dead. Who wants his stuff? :smallbiggrin:"
*half of Alex's guards drop their weapons and run to Alex's room*

---

"Wow, Brother, you're certainly stronger than you seem."
"I am, aren't I? Seriously, check out my character sheet!"

---

"He killed her near the golf course? :smallfurious: IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!?"

---

"Do you even believe us?"
"Most wouldn't. However, I've seen some crap. I once saw a werewolf. I killed it. I saw a water demon. Killed that, too. When I took off Alex's head, it landed perfectly on his plate. I had to roll a SAN check for that, lady!"

---

"I fear the Duke is in danger. Lord Lothair is wearing the Duchess's skin... flaunting her breasts... her sweet, supple breasts..."

---

"Bad language! ROLL INITIATIVE!"

---

"I spend an Edge point so that all the women's clothes suddenly fall off. By the time they get them on again, it's too late. I've seen everything. I've seen it all."

Doorhandle

2014-02-14, 08:14 PM

"I regret NOTHING!"

*One action later*

"I regret EVERYTHING!"

Tassyr

2014-02-14, 09:27 PM

"No time to explain! GET ON THE FORKLIFT!"

"He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, he's kinda more of a spoon."

PhallicWarrior

2014-02-15, 01:39 AM

"Did you just summon a crate golem?"

"I summoned a crate golem."

Sith_Happens

2014-02-15, 06:23 AM

PC: "37 Hide."
DM: "The DM can no longer see your character."

"That's not nice."
"Neither is Prestidigitating someone's drink to taste like frog bile."

DM: "A harpy flies out."
Player 1: "Hot harpy-on-owlbear action?"
DM: "Just don't ask me the story behind that because I don't know."
Player 2: "You knew the story behind that human and giant ant queen..."

hemming

2014-02-15, 08:18 AM

NPC: I don't believe I've seen you at the Baron's galas before but you are an intriguing sort. What is your name?

Fighter PC bluffing: I am....uh....Glomnock?

NPC: It is so exciting to meet a Grand Turos in these part. where do you hail from Glomnock?

Fighter PC: The ...uh....hamlet of....Klamkoc

NPC: Well...Glomnock of Klamkoc. You must have had cruel parents indeed

------------------------------

"How far can we launch him if we stick him in the catapult?"

---------------------------------

"I feel like I'm making a meat golem!"

----------------------------------

unarmed NPC: I am Mathias - who are you? what are you doing here?

PC: I rush forward and attack him with my axe!

Sad DM: Your bring your axe down on the sitting man, easily splitting his skull

Samshiir

2014-02-15, 10:58 AM

"Well, guys, it's been good. Nine months, four levels, and a whole bunch of answers later, we finally got the main quest. A round of applause for everyone!"

Baroncognito

2014-02-16, 06:46 AM

"You know, you've got bridges over a seemingly bottomless pit over there and we think it'd be a lot safer if you put up hand-rails."

"You've set-up a false dichotomy there. I am both a fool and someone who doesn't want to mess with you."

TechnoWarforged

2014-02-16, 07:36 AM

DM: Okay this is too hard to go back and forth from trying to draw and referencing the original from behind the screen. I need you guys to get out of the room while I try to redraw the map.

Player A: Are you trying to redraw the map because the monsters won't fit?

Player B: Lol, (Player A) is right! Look at the DM, He's Blushing!

Lothmar

2014-02-17, 01:13 AM

player 1: No one, is safe...
Npc: But~
Player 1: NO ONE! *Flees the gaming table*

--------

Player 2: I cast knock, then quicken spell knock.
Gm: For some reason a magic mouth appears on this unattended door and says "Who's there?"

-------

Dm: "I dont care what you~"
Player 1: I roll to slap him with the back of my hand, critical success. "BITCH, DEED! Deal with it." And I turn to walk away leaving him embarassed in front of the remaining nobles in the dancing hall as I go to get some punch.

-------

Gm: "Your blood might have been able to stop me but that ends soon enough."
Player 1: "You fool~ Even should I die blood will find a way."
Player 2: I just pray he doesn't know i've been his best man for the last 15 wedding ceremonies he's had in this campaign. Heck im not even considering the likely numerous illegitimate bastards he's sired either but I think i've been with him to most if not all of those places.
Gm: Your fear proves justified as you feel a tingle, like a spoon dragging across jello and rolling up surface bits like a cresting wave for consumption.
Player 2: Except it's my brain?
Gm: You are correct sir!

DigoDragon

2014-02-17, 10:49 AM

"Uhm....all?"

I had a friend who did that with Cowboy Bebop just after a scifi RPG we played. :smallsmile:

Rodrigo: "Crud, I could have kept the Vest of Escape!"
DM: "The Vest of Escaped you."

Victor: "I'll take the board game."
Kess: "Put a little mozzarella on it, get Par-cheesy."

Drelua

2014-02-17, 12:44 PM

DM: "Why does this guys bite attack do dex damage?"
Me: "I guess he just likes having dex in his mouth."

DigoDragon

2014-02-17, 01:57 PM

DM: "Why does this guys bite attack do dex damage?"
Me: "I guess he just likes having dex in his mouth."

I had to hold my breath for a good 30 seconds just to stop laughing.
That's the winning quote of the month right there.

I found quotes from a game back in 2012. I don't think I shared them yet--

Trixie: "Who are you and why have you restrained the Great and Powerful Trixie? Release her at once!"
Biologist: "You can talk? Amazing! Since when have you been able to talk?"
Trixie: "Since ten seconds ago demanding that you release Trixie!"

River Song: "There was a time they played America the Beautiful after the Star Speckled Banner at the ball games."
GM: "Was that to get the bad taste out of their mouth?"

Paul the Martian: "So what does the star tatoo mean?"
Trixie: "It is not a tatoo! This is the shining symbol of greatness!"
Everyone But Trixie: (singing) "The stars at night, are shining bright! *clap clap clap* Deep in the heart of Texas!"
Trixie: "...What just happened?"

Trixie: "Why does the creature with the grotesquely large head curse in strange words?"
Paul: "If you haven't guessed, I'm not from this planet."
James: "I'm also from another world- Canada!"

Defiled Cross

2014-02-17, 02:13 PM

"I'm going to get to the bottom of this, and I don't give a **** if you're at the top!"

Alex Star

2014-02-17, 02:34 PM

"I rip the door off the car quietly"

"I pick up the dresser, and carry it across the courtyard to block the door trying to be as discrete as possible"

hymer

2014-02-17, 02:50 PM

"Can I tumble while I hide in the bush?"

Erberor

2014-02-17, 04:38 PM

"The shark's name is Shaun the Sheep. They'll be caught completely by surprise!"

ZeroGear

2014-02-17, 06:12 PM

"I'm trying to sunder his mouth."

"The owlbear snuck into the room unnoticed."

"New Sven: better than the old Sven!"
"I keep calling him Svengali."

"He is now an unholy stegosaurus."

"I stuff the pillows into my priest robe, and now I look like a fat monk."

"I put [the giant mole's skull] on my head."

"Hello nutjob, go back to Quickfix."
"What? Why?"
"You come to me with an afro and a mole skull on your head. In a Friar's robe."
"With pillows!"
"…with pillows…go back to Quickfix."

"What are you doing here?"
"I NEED TO PEEEEEEEE!"

"This gate…is going straight up [A**h*** player's] a**!"

Sith_Happens

2014-02-17, 09:08 PM

Snip

Heh, reminds me of a crossover LARP I randomly decided to join at a con last year. Here's the most memorable quote from that that I was there to observe:

Hercule (Me): "I discreetly take out the Soul Gem."
Nyaruko: "I missed that, what did he say?"
The Question (GMPC): "He's using an item that lets him see people's souls."
Nyaruko: "...You realize who I am, right?"
Hercule: "No?"
The Question: "She's Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos."
Hercule: "...Oh."
The Question: "Yeah, I'm going to need you to make a check now."

Thankfully I passed.

GrayGriffin

2014-02-17, 09:36 PM

"We are just going to enslave this entire group"
"Lateral thinking ftw"

7th son of sons

2014-02-17, 10:08 PM

Player: "What the are the writing penalties for having no opposable thumbs??"

Player: "How does it make sense for the Dragonborn Bear Monk to go to Jail for nudity, but not for the Bard to be able to speak to Cthulhu Monsters?"

DM: "Wait... you have 95 Movespeed... where's the five come from?"

Player:"I Hide in the Shadow of his ego"
DM:"+10 to the check"

"Can my wolf take Wild Talent, Wild Cohort, Bind Vestige, and Open Least Chakra as bonus feats? He's very talented"

"They will regret the day they messed with Troy, Captain of the three mightiest ships in ALL OF THIS PORT!!!"""

DigoDragon

2014-02-18, 12:59 PM

The Question: "She's Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos."

Eep. :smalleek:
(Glad you passed the check!)

James: "SeaQuest was a great show, but it jumped the shark in the second season."
Trixie: "A shark? The sub tried jumping a continent and failed. Over Iowa."

Trixie: "Where Trixie comes from, our ruler uses magic move the sun."
James: "Where are you from, ancient Egypt? Do you know what a 'con' is?"

Trixie: "Will there be guards at this college?"
Professor: "Yeah. We need a way to sneak in."
Trixie: "The Great & Powerful Trixie can sneak you all in with her magic."
James: "Please, you're a complete distraction."
Trixie: "Exactly the point, my simple human. Trixie shall display her great magical act to distract the guards while you lot sneak in the backway and explore the office."
James: "Huh, you're smarter than you look-- DON'T respond to that."

Trixie: "Oh gee, let Trixie cast Detect Common Sense. Hey, the spell failed. Trixie wonders why?"

Trixie: "We could break in the back door and scare them out."
James: "We could surround them."
Paul the Alien: "I like the second idea."
Trixie: "No, give them a way to rout. We don't need to fight to the death."
Paul: "I don't like dying. I have a better idea..."
Trixie: "What is your idea?"
Paul: "Let's all go in the back door and scare them out the front door."
Trixie: "...brilliant." (/Sarcasm)

GM: "Stealth rolls, and you're all at -3 for the wooden floor."
River: "Failed by 1. Damn."
James: "Failed by... a lot."
Paul: "I'd have to roll a 2 on 3d6 to succeed."
Trixie: "Critical success! Trixie is but a shadow of death entering the kitchen!"
GM: "So... the bright blue unicorn in the purple hat and cape is the most stealthy character?!"

Trixie: "I cast Mass Sneak Attack!"
James: "That's not a real spell."
Trixie: *Casts Telekinesis on a block of knives and force shunts them at the unsuspecting bad guys*
GM: "You are one EVIL little pony."
River: (Singing) "My evil pony, I used to wonder what murder could be, Until you just threw the kitchen at me..."

Cristo Meyers

2014-02-18, 04:20 PM

PC1 "Wait, I want to summon a honey badger!"
PC2 "Are those even native to Pennsylvania?"
*rolls, crit success*
GM "No, they aren't, but Honey Badger don't care!"

Mekboy

2014-02-18, 05:33 PM

'You successfully summon the corpse of Florence Nightingale'.

Ionbound

2014-02-18, 06:30 PM

"... I have three eyes but I cannot SEE!!!!"

DigoDragon

2014-02-19, 10:31 AM

James: "The upcoming campaign should be fun, in a semi-evil-prank-fest kind of way."
Trixie: "Trixie hopes you had the foresight to make yourself resistant to your own element, because The Great and Powerful Trixie does not get 'pranked'."
James: "And The Great and Powerful (In Her Own Mind) Trixie let her ego out of control again, for believing she'd be the main target. No, no modesty problem there."
Trixie: *Blushing Scrunch Face*
Paul: "Is... is your ego collapsing into a neutron star or something?"

Trixie: "This adventure shall be full of glorious character building and friendship!"
Party: (beat) *Everyone breaks down laughing*
Trixie: "Nope, Trixie cannot keep a straight face."
James: "Hahaha, oh that was a good one! Let's go kill random NPCs."

James: "Friendship ain't magic until people and ponies get to know each other."
Trixie: "Uh..."
Paul: "I cast 'Power Word: Friendship'. I have the material components for it."
GM: "Which are...?"
Paul: "A case of Vodka and a gallon of orange juice."

Paul: "So... why do half your spells make you stealthy?"
Trixie: "Humans cannot see how truely great Trixie is, thereby she automatically has partial cover!"
James: "Stop encouraging her."

KOedBarbarian

2014-02-19, 11:02 AM

"Wait, he named his character Kami? You can just call me God from now on"

DM: An angry goblin with a burning torch bursts into the inn.
Me: Can I see him from my table?
DM: Yeah, you have clear line of sight from there.
Me: I shoot him with my handcrossbow, then go back to eating my soup.

PC1: Wait, so [PC3's vampire dwarf] is working in the medic tent during the siege?
DM: Yeah, turns out he's amazing at blood transfusions.
PC2: Bleh, I don't want to think about how that works.

DM: A bunch of bloodthirsty orc warriors approach as you arrive at the landing.
PC: [activates Warlock power] CAREBEAR STARE!
DM: Their looks of confusion and the snickering die away and are replaced with screams as they melt under the rainbow beams of your attack.

PC1 [Playing a fighter]: I attack the unarmed Shadar-Kai with my warhammer. [Rolls, hits]
DM [rolls]: He disarms you, swings the warhammer at you (rolls to hit - succeeds), and chucks the warhammer at [PC2 - hits]
PC1: Well this isn't good.

LadyMeyers

2014-02-19, 07:32 PM

"You know, if you guys are putting your ears to the ground and hearing hoofbeats, you probably shouldn't be thinking 'zebras.'"

"At this point, it's probably more like putting our ears to the ground and getting trampled by bison."

GPuzzle

2014-02-19, 07:56 PM

"What do we do now?"
"Should we talk to Asmodeus? That's our only option."

"Oh dear, it's raining Warforgeds."
"Actually it's raining Warforgeds and Kalashtars."

"Run like hell before my Wisdom score drops to 1!"
"It has already dropped to 1, you moron!"
"No, that was my Intelligence score."

"I jump off the helicopter after breaking its controls."
"Okay, let me check where is the helicopter going to fall..."
- 5 minutes later -
"Helicopter falls, you guys on the train die."

"No one likes Dol Dorn except for me."
- Giant phantasmagorical wooden sword appears in the sky and hits the evil Cleric of The Mockery, killing him -
"Well, THAT was unexpected."

DigoDragon

2014-02-20, 10:38 AM

Trixie: "He had a face only a mother could love... if he wore a bag over his head."

River: "If you boys are going out to pick a fight, you may want to put some clothes on your unicorn."
GM: *Enters the room* "What did I just walk in on?"

Trixie: "What is this ugly thing you are putting on Trixie?"
James: "This is a Kevlar vest. It's made of a special fabric weave to stop bullets."
Trixie: "Magical armor? No, of course not. Your world has very little magic."
James: "Right, we're not magically delicious. -No, that came out wrong."

GM: "You enter the Starbucks internet cafe. How old are you?"
James: "I'm twenty."
GM: "You're the oldest one here. This includes the cashier."

James: "Where's Trixie?"
Paul: "I don't know, she disappeared in the crowd when the fight started."
James: "How can I not notice a bright blue pony?!"
GM: "You're in the capitol of Japan. Everything's neon."

GM: "The guy in front has an AT-4."
James: "What?! An AT-4?!"
GM: "Yeah, an Anti-Tank-"
James: "I know what an AT-4 is, I read Clancy!"

Trixie: *Accidently discharges a handgun at a portrait on the wall*
James: "What did the painting of the Japanese prime minister do to you?"
Trixie: "Uh, The Great & Powerful Trixie was attempting to master your primative weapon. And succeeded!"
James: *Facepalm*
Trixie: "Hmm, that explains the flat forehead."
James: "NO. Never steal my snark thunder!"

James: "I check the door."
GM: "The door is locked from the other side."
River: *Punches through the rice-paper wall and unlocks the door*
Paul: "Why do they even have a lock?"

Doorhandle

2014-02-20, 09:03 PM

FabulousFizban

2014-02-21, 12:33 AM

"I fall off the necromancer's chimera as a free action. I use stand up to stand as a free action. I full round sneak attack."

Dimers

2014-02-21, 01:09 AM

"I never thought I would need to say this, ever in my life, but ... is that snowman pooping a shark?"

DigoDragon

2014-02-21, 12:19 PM

...I have got to know more about that campaign.

The concept was that all the Super Heros and Villains of Earth vanished. SHIELD was trying to figure that part out, but in the meanwhile, mundane mooks from the missing villains started to steal "office supplies" and run amok. Thus SHIELD had to hire mundanes with talents or Supers outside the planet that didn't vanish to take care of the loose minions. The team was:

Trixie: Unicorn magician from another dimension
Paul: 'Classic' gray alien from another planet
River: Half-Timelord traveler
James: Skilled SHIELD agent

Later on we picked up an actual super hero PC when he came back to Earth from a field trip.

The campaign sadly ended too soon. It was a fun concept and we had a lot of fun because the team chemistry was there. Our missions dealt a lot with tracking down folks with tech from AIM or HYDRA that they shouldn't be playing with.

GPuzzle

2014-02-21, 12:24 PM

Dear Lord, I'm so bringing this to my RPG table.

Cristo Meyers

2014-02-21, 12:32 PM

Dear Lord, I'm so bringing this to my RPG table.

We've started taking notes at ours.

Case in point:

"You mean you've never used Gaseous Form to travel down someone's throat and make them explode?"

and

*Holds up a set of manacles*
"Hey, remind you of Madrid?"
"That was Barcelona."

GPuzzle

2014-02-21, 12:47 PM

Okay, some that were from an old James Bond-like one-shot that ran through 10 different sessions.

"What in the Nine Hells is going in this table?"
"We're just trying to figure out who would win in a fight: Hastur vs Asmodeus."
"And who's winning?"
"Old Man Henderson."

"This is probably the most racist campaign I've ever played."
"C'mon, I haven't even mentioned the KKK yet!"

"I don't know how to drive a car, much less a jet."
"Well, you're gonna learn by trying."

"I enter the Walmart to buy some provisions."
"How much do you have?"
"I think I have 30 bucks. That's right, 30 bucks."
"Okay, that should be enough to last for an year."

"This isn't Counter-Strike, you know."
"I know, this is Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Blacklist, isn't it?"

imaloony

2014-02-21, 04:15 PM

DM: "They blow up."
Me: "What do?"
DM: "Your eyes."

sktarq

2014-02-21, 04:33 PM

in Vampire the Requiem:
Player 1: "Okay guys I could actually raise this woman from the dead, but she'd be a vampire"
Player 2: "Would there be any mental effects?"
Player 1: "Well-mental may not be a perfect description but only the other hand being bright pink should help her cover as human when the she tries to feed-balance out and all that."
Player 3:"You guys do know this would be a breach of the 2nd tradition and all of us could be executed for this"
Player 2:"sure-moving on"
Player 4:"aaaaaanD? How else would you suggest we talk to a dead woman. I know you are a priest of the Vodoun and all but we can't ask for help on this can we?"
Player 3:"Well..."
Player 2:"But I like the unstable arsonist girl - I say we keep her"
DM "well she is a corpse on your lap-you could store her in your haven"
Player 4: Oh that's right I would crying blood tears all over her.
Player 1: "Riiight so this should be interesting. I need her in a desecrated grave. Ed? Your gator farm? It's only for a night"
Player 5(Ed): "Only if you get an adult's permission."

And this is why I don't try to predict what my players are going to do.

LadyMeyers

2014-02-21, 06:35 PM

"So wait, why is my badger with him?"
"Because he fed him."
"But why isn't he following the guy we let go?"
"Because honey badger don't care... and because you tried to feed him an orange."

--

"I'm happy that she was happy, but from now on, guests cannot leave without my express permission."

ddude987

2014-02-21, 08:08 PM

Player 1: "I'm going to punch myself in the face."
Player 2: "Here, let me help you with that."

Player: "I mountain hammer with the pillow."

Player: "You shouldn't eat stables."

Alberic Strein

2014-02-22, 10:38 AM

"You're a Ragabash, a jester-like character!"
"Well, I Drop-kicked an Abomination!"

Rizhail

2014-02-22, 06:05 PM

Sven the Barbarian: What do you mean I can't intimidate the entire pack of hyenas? My reputation should be enough to go on.

Parko Molo the bard: I'm pretty sure hyenas wouldn't have heard of you.

Sven: I'm pretty sure hyenas should have heard of me. I SHALL TEACH THEM THE FOLLY OF THEIR HUBRIS!

***
From one session, the many skills of Parko Molo, as said by the bard himself:

"I know a little something about animals"
"I happen to know a little something about making camel jerky"
"I happen to know a little something about making hyena jerky"
"I know a little something about crafting displacer furniture"
"I know a little something about deciphering dead languages"

***

Parko molo: I NEED TO ROOFIE THE PORPOISE

DigoDragon

2014-02-22, 07:06 PM

Trixie: *Shaking a cellphone* "Hello? Hello? ...What happened?"
James: "His phone cut out."
Paul: "Its a P.O.S. phone."
James: "Stands for Pathetic Other..."
Paul: "Phone Ostracized..."
Trixie: "It stands for 'This Thing Is Junk'." *Throws the phone into the path of rushing traffic*

River: "Usually when you hear Lloyds of London, you think of celebrities."
GM: "No, they can insure big ticket items as well."
River: "True, they insured J'Lo's butt."
Paul: "That's a big item." >_>
Trixie: "Is there a limit to what they insure?"
James: "Anything smaller than your ego."
Trixie: *Angry Scrunch-Face*
Paul: "There's that ego-imploding-to-neutron-star look again."

Paul: "Someone tried to kill us today. At a burger stand!"
James: "Who would profit from us being... less than effective?"
Trixie: "Any criminal organization ever that wants to get work done?"
James: "You're not helping."
Trixie: "But it's the truth!" D:

GM: "You see a 1969 Volkswagon Bus. You can still smell the marijuana."
James: "Wow, that takes me back to experiences I never had."

GM: "Its a Bradly Armored Personnel Character. I mean Carrier."
(The GM makes this mistake three additional times during the encounter)

James: "Wouldn't it be something to get our hands on a real samurai sword?"
River: "You know the only way to do that is to KILL the samurai wielding it."
James: "I wasn't implying anything! You're putting words in my mouth!"
River: "Sweetie, the only thing I'd put in your mouth right now is a gag."

Trixie: "Which way is to the beach?"
James: "It would be that way."
Trixie: "Come, civilization is always found by water. And do bring the dangerous magical gem thing."
James: "Sigh. Yes, princess."
Trixie: "Finally, he gets it."
James: "I heard that!"

GM: "Roll a Health check."
Trixie: "Failed by 2."
GM: "Okay, the smelling salts under your nose awaken you abruptly."
Trixie: *Startled* "What happened?! I'll take you on together! I'll take you both apart!"
River: "Calm down, Dread Pirate Sweetie."
Paul: "Wait, did Trixie just use a first-person pronoun? Damn, I think we broke her!"

GM: "Well, that turned out awesome."
James: "Of course you thought it was awesome; You did all the work and left us table scraps!"
Trixie: "Trixie admits she could have communicated her battle plan a bit better than she did."
Paul: "You had a plan? I thought you were just trying to kill us all with a magic fart cloud in a sealed room."
Trixie: "Yeah, definitely should have communicated the plan better."

James: "What, you've never eaten wax fruit?"
Trixie: "No..."
James: "Oh, it might be before you time."
River: "Wouldn't that technically be after her time though? Her world's current tech is like our steam age."
Paul: "What's the newest material your society invented? Rayon? Titanium? Aluminum?"
Trixie: "Paraffin I think."
Paul: "What the hell is that?"
James: "Not even at their first plastic?"
River: "Um..."

Alberic Strein

2014-02-22, 08:45 PM

PC1: "Ok, so we go to the place indicated on the map."
GM: "To the temple of madness then?"
*beat*
PC1 : "TO WHERE?"
*without missing a beat, completely deadpan, as if asking a question"
GM: "To where?"

ddude987

2014-02-22, 11:09 PM

*talking about boef*
Player 1: "what's the boef?"
Player 2: "book of erotic fantasy"
DM: "I don't use it, its third party."
Player 2: "Plus, new books are expensive, and you don't want to buy that book used."
Everyone: ... ... ...
DM: "I hate you"

Sith_Happens

2014-02-23, 04:18 AM

"Yes, the owl is drinking tea."

"Our Cleric is... troubled."
"I can tell."
"She's... discovering herself, is the thing."
"You mean discovering her vagina and the wonderful things it contains."
"...In so many words."

DM: "You hear a fox yipping."
PC: "What does the fox say?"

Player: "[My character]'s 18."
DM: "I thought he was significantly older than that."
Player: "I meant my initiative."

"So the lance is how you compensate."
"I just said that was non-canon."

DM: "[PC2's leg] hurts all to hell."
PC1: "All nine of them?"
PC2: "I start swearing in every language I know. I have nine of them."
PC1: "One for each hell!"

PC: "Why are you so angry?"
DM: "[The dragon] breathes fire at you."
PC: "And how does that make you feel?"

DM: "...Why is [the Bard] speaking in a German accent?"
Not-the-Bard's Player: "Because that's his therapist voice."
*a few minutes later*
Not-the-Bard's Player: "We're actually about to psychoanalyze our way past an Adult Red Dragon, aren't we?"
*more time*
Bard: "...And did [the dragon's late handler] ever tell you he vanted you to be happy?"
Dragon: "...No."
Bard: "Well I vant you to be happy."
*more time*
DM: "As the dragon flies away, you hear a voice. 'But turn back.'"

Baroncognito

2014-02-23, 07:47 AM

"We gave you a month to put in guard rails and you wasted it summoning undead?"

"If we had followed my plan of eating all the corpses we wouldn't have been in this situation."

Ravenica

2014-02-23, 02:20 PM

"She will probably be able to stand by the time you get back."

ZeroGear

2014-02-23, 08:25 PM

"Thank you my friends, I would have not liked lose my head over this!"
"We would also have not liked to lose your head."
"Well, we could have used it as an improvised weapon…"
"You are a horrible, horrible thing, you know that?"

"You almost have the intellect of a zombie."
"But it does not have my BOOMING VOICE!"

"I move forward, because I am crazy!"

"So 'nap sack' has ruined my life forever?"
All others simultaneously :"Yes."

--------------------------------------------

"So we're in Pittsburgh, and I just woke up in a bathtub."

"So not only did I shoot him in the head, I gave him brain cancer."

"My character rolls to see her own brain."

"What would happen if I took all four Jets, and forced her to use them at the same time?"
"She would get really, REALLY hugh!"

"I want you to take three magnum bullets to your D*** and not pass out!"

"Can 'Juggernaut's B***s' be a legendary item now?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ReaderAt2046

2014-02-23, 10:18 PM

"You scored a critical success on Perception. You can now see everyone's auras."

"I think that's the first time I've seen someone pull a hat out of a rabbit."

"You look like a vodka cranberry."

"For my action, I scream like a little girl."

"I killed an enemy soldier. By throwing a billiard ball at him."

Legato Endless

2014-02-24, 12:05 AM

GM: The basilisk lands on the parapet, preparing to attack.
Summoner: *covers eyes with hands* I am immune to your powers! I can't see anything!
Ranger: With your perception that's pretty much always true.
Summoner: Hey!

Druid: *looks up* Why is the Summoner covering her eyes?
Fighter: There's a basilisk. With a stone gaze.
Druid: How can you tell? There's like a dozen dragons covering the castle. I'm not sure there's a ground. It's just dragons all the way down.

GM: The basilisk sees the Dragon-kin fall and retreats 30 feet.
Druid: Wait, it's running away? Coward, I challenge it!
GM: To what?
Druid: Staring contest. If it makes it past the first round, I'll fireball it. When it flinches, I win. *moves to within 30 feet*
GM: What if it petrifies you?
Druid: I'll still win!

Paladin: I charge!
GM: You fail. You're petrified.
Druid: Were her eyes open when she charged?
Paladin: …Yes?
Druid: Awesome! We're now double team staring it down.

GM: The basilisk falls.
Summoner: I start gathering blood from the creature to cure my gal.
Druid: I cast speak to stone.
GM: Oh what?
Druid: The paladin. Hey. How's things?
Paladin: Um, I can't see anything. What's happening?
Druid: The Summoner is gathering blood to slather on your body for kicks.
Paladin: Uh, why?
Druid: I dunno. She's got really strange kinks. You should have seen her last ex, now that…yeah.
Paladin: Wait, what do you mean?
Druid: Nothing.
Summoner: Can I hear this?
GM: No.

Druid: You know, I think we need to think about the possibilities here about your future.
Paladin: What?
Druid: Look, you're a pretty good paladin normally. But right now, you're an absolutely kick ass piece of statuary. Do you really want to return to merely above average?
Paladin: I'm frozen in place!
Druid: In a most heroic pose! Hey guys. The paladin might be having doubts about being turned back. We're gonna need time to think about this.
Paladin: No, I'm good. I can't pursue justice as a statue.
Druid: Can we at least paint you before you're restored?

GM: Why did you have stone speak prepared?
Druid: I wanted to talk to the castle. Ask the keep how it was handling all the dragon attacks.

Erik Vale

2014-02-24, 12:10 AM

ROFLAMAO, just ROFLMAO.

I need to find these people you guys are playing with.

Svata

2014-02-24, 02:17 AM

"Wait, did you just convince the were-rat who killed your parents to give you his soul-stealing sword?"

"Yep." *gets max damage crit on were-rat*

DigoDragon

2014-02-24, 10:57 AM

James: "Why is SHIELD sending us? Are we the best they have?"
Trixie: "No, the cheapest. Trixie hasn't been paid yet."
River: "Paid? I'm doing this as Community Service."
Paul: "What did you get in trouble for?"
River: "I killed a good man."
James: "Uh, you've killed like four men since you been on the team."
Paul: "Five if her story about Hitler was true."

SHIELD: "You will be codenamed Team A."
James: "No! I refuse to be acknowledged as being part of the A-Team."
SHIELD: "I see. Well then do you have a suggestion?"
Trixie: "How about Team T?"
SHIELD: "Team T?"
Paul: "Like in Tea? Or if you say it fast enough it sounds like TIMMY."
Trixie: " *Muttering* "Or T as in Trixie." >_>
SHIELD: "Very well, so you are codenamed Team T."
Trixie: "They took Trixie seriously?" O_O
James: "First time for everything."

River: "I was thinking of taking up a clever alias."
GM: "B**ch Brook?"
River: "No. Seriously, I was thinking Harmony Lake."
James & Paul: *Facepalm*
Trixie: "Aww, does that mean Trixie has to rewrite all your quotes today?"
River: "Yes. Now."

Mason: "This is Europe. No one uses film cameras."
Trixie: "Cameras in Trixie's world still do. We even use flash powder."
GM: "Trixie comes from a time where it was legal to marry a horse."
James, Paul, & Mason: "Hahaha!"
Trixie: "Trixie not sure if that was a burn..." 9_9

GM: "You're about to crash into the car in front of you."
James: "I press the brake."
GM: "You mean you slam the brake?"
James: "No, I press the brake."
Mason: "A light slam. Medium slam. Medium rare. Rare steak. I'm hungry."

Paul: "I'll take care of the rooms. Looks like it's going to be... Wait, 50 Francs per room? Damn inflation."
Trixie: "Maybe there is a country who's currency is Pauls."
Mason: "Rupauls?"
River: "Ugh... keep your jokes west of the pesos."

James: "Should we rent another panel van?"
Mason: "Whatever it is, make sure it has sliding side doors this time."
James: "Good idea, that way more of us can take combat actions in a chase."
Trixie: "Trixie noticed a disturbing trend that we're choosing our vehicles based on how well we can kill other people with them."

James: "Oww, all this talk of economics makes my brain hurt.
Trixie: "Congratulations, your brain isn't completely dead."
James: "You know, a back-hoof compliment is still a back-hoof compliment."
Trixie: "Oh that was never meant to be a compliment."

James: "Here's your passport."
Trixie: "Would Trixie need such a thing? Trixie is not human."
Paul: "For you it's more of an... Animal license? I'll pretend you're my service horse."
Mason: "Excellent, we gave the moron a Seeing Eye Pony."

Mason: *Over walkie-talkie* "Anoyone find out anything?"
Trixie: *Walkie-talkie* "German sounds like a very angry language. Also, German kids are scarily fast."
James: *Walkie-talkie* "Got chased down, did you?"
Trixie: *Walkie-talkie* "Well, just for a block, but then Trixie ran up the side of a building and lost them."
Mason: *Walkie-talkie* "...what?"
Trixie: *Walkie-talkie* "A wizard did it." >_>

Blackfish

2014-02-24, 05:54 PM

"You're just listing things you don't want in your anus."

Erik Vale

2014-02-24, 08:51 PM

I, buh, bwa!? I really want/don't want to know. At all. Do I?

Anyhow:
Me=Party Wizard

Me: "Yes, Exactly, we loud up on as many archers with explosive arrows as possible, put them on a wooden platform, you two hold them up, and we rain death on them, with me acting as the engine teleporting around."
Others: "Cool."
DM: "Your Making a tri-engine magic bomber. That works."
Us: "Awesome."

Me: "Fire at will."
Time-skip of rolling.
DM: "So the archers have killed hundreds as magical barriers begin errecting themselves as you retreat to let horde mages exhaust themselves."
Me: Ok, we wait an hour, check back.
DM: "They aren't moving, they have completely encased themselves."
Us: "Good enough, if they don't move there's no siege, no siege, no dead humans, victory. If not, we're slowing them down to by time."
Me: "However, to make sure, Let's wait another hour and check to be sure. We wait an hour, since I'm our transport, and I check."
DM: "They're moving."

DM: Yes, in summary, The Horde army have fully encased themselves in 150 active point mobile force-walls, that are self sustaining, and moving within it.
Me: "Sh*t... I relay this through [Our Telepath] to the cities court mage."
Court Mage/DM: "Oh Sh*t."

Me: So your telling me, I and we just taught the Horde a new defensive tactic that essentially makes them hyper resilient to preemptive attacks and defensive strategims for the siege, such that the not-quite archmage goes "Oh crap"
DM: "... Yes."
Me: I... Yay?.. Sh*t?..

Buddha's_Cookie

2014-02-24, 09:02 PM

"Bards are the white collar criminals of the medieval world."

Alberic Strein

2014-02-25, 10:24 AM

"I put the idol behind my back. I can't see the idol. I put the idol in front of me again. The idol is still invisible."

Binks

2014-02-25, 01:31 PM

DM: "So the Sith Lord returns from his hidden chamber and finds you peeing on his throne...roll initiatives."

DM: "How do you intend to stop his ship from escaping?"
Player over comms: "(pilot droid)! Turn the sound system on and deploy the rave lights! Maximum volume!"

Player: "I pull a 'look over there', 26 deception, then move object him into the juggernaut, 32 utf, and detonate the charges."

Player: "(pilot droid)! Binder cuffs!"
DM: "There is the sound of an aircannon firing and a set of binder cuffs fall into your hands."
Player: "Knew that would come in handy someday."

That was a good campaign...

QuidEst

2014-02-25, 01:53 PM

Doesn't Matter Who: "And miss the spectacle of a hydra vomiting? Have you no sense of wonder?"

Somebody Else: "I'm picturing one of wacky-wavy sprinklers… only not."

DSmaster21

2014-02-25, 04:02 PM

High op PF 6th level dungeon crawl
Spectre (Me): Why do you have a fifty masterwork daggers?
Sir Obesitay teh Epic: I had space in my handy haversack.

DM: Roll a will save DC 15
Sir I(a)n Vince(nt) Able: You know I have a +14 right? :smallbiggrin:

Sir Invincible: I smite evil and full attack him.
DM: To-hits?
SI: Let me see 8 and 10...
DM: No
SI: No wait let me add mods okay... +3,+6/+1,+1 from weapon focus, +9 from smite evil. 27 and 24? :smallbiggrin:
DM: Yeah they both hit. :smallmad:

Leeeeroy Ogkins: I full attack fighting defensively.
DM: Roll for it
LO: 17,13,14,11 Mods of +12 on the first two and +7 on the last two so 31,25, 21, and 18
DM: last one misses roll damage for others
LO: 2d6+11, 2d6+11 and 2d6+11 coming up. 20, 18, and 14. :smallbiggrin:

(I kinda forgot the exact number's leeeeroy's player said because we were packing up to leave at that point)

DM: It hits vs AC 25 and 28
LO: No hits on me.
DM: How does that not hit. What's your AC
LO: Flatfooted 25 Touch 18 Total AC 34 (I think) :smallbiggrin:

mikeejimbo

2014-02-25, 04:29 PM

"Rub that spider juice all over my pointy bits!"

Samshiir

2014-02-25, 04:45 PM

"Knowing Samshiir, probably. Speaking of which, I should probably flesh out details of my family in a PM so they can get horribly killed."

DigoDragon

2014-02-26, 09:33 AM

River: "We need evidence that these people are evil."
Trixie: "They walk on two legs, they're evil."
James: "Thanks, Trixie."
Trixie: "You're welcome."

James: "There's just no explaining The Great & Powerful Trixie."
Trixie: "Nope. ...wait."

Paul: "At least MY plan involved the right building."
James: "Wasn't I in the right building?"
Paul: "Did the building protest?"
James: "Yes it did!!"
Paul: *Holds up a bundle of cut security cam wires* "Then you were in the wrong building."

Paul: "We're one baka leader short of the Aquabats."

Trixie: "Turns out Trixie's intuition of not wanting to go along with your plan was correct."
Mason: "I didn't know you weren't used to horsenip."
Paul: "That smells like marijuana to me..."
Mason: "Shut up."
Trixie: "Next time we listen to the woman's intuition, okay?"
James: "You're a mare, not a woman."
Trixie: "And that's why you're single."

Trixie: "Well then... Trixie just failed her Thaumatology roll."
Mason: "Ewww, did you just say vomitology?"
James: "That's the study of reading puke for the answers."
River: "Where'd the unicorn get the carrots?"

James: "I was worried the GM was going to do something horrible."
Mason: "We haven't given him enough time yet."

Mason: *Faking a cough/wheeze attack*
Trixie: "What are you doing?"
River: *Walkie-Talkie* "He's faking an asthma attack as a distraction."
Trixie: "Unless humans are inherently weak, this seems rather unconvincing."
Mason: "Hey, I'm not from some other dimension with magical cure-alls for every ailment!"
Trixie: "Right, because without magic human lungs will collapse at the drop of a little dust."
Mason: "How is it that faking a cough has become the hardest thing in my entire acting career?!"

Su-Chef: *In shock from allergic reaction*
Mason: "Would an EpiPen break kosher?"
James: "What's in them, pork? Pork and cheese? Pretty sure it's safe."
Trixie: "Wait, can you do that? Could Trixie use one to inject magical powers into herself?"
Mason: "No, I don't think that's how EpiPens work."

James: "The bad news is that the people we're trying to get to are leaving. The good news is that we have a hostile (and hackable) security system that will attack anyone. I'm in heaven."
Trixie: "You have a funny definition of heaven."

GM: "Trixie, as you ascend the stairwell, two guards with MP5s stop you. 'HALT!' they shout."
Trixie: "Aww snap, um..." *panicking* Trixie throws her lightning bolt at the left guard's face!"
GM: "Okay, -5 penalty for a called shot, another -2 beause of the metal railing nearby. Roll to hit."
Trixie: "Critical hit!"
GM: "Well his day just went bad."

GM: "A mean woman comes through the doorway intent on hurting you."
Mason: "How mean a person we're taking here?"
GM: "Imagine Margaret Thatcher giving birth to a flaming porcupine."

Mason: "This bank is great and all, but I'm gonna have to be..."
James: *Hands Mason a pair of shades*
Mason: "...checking out."
Trixie & River: "YEAHHHHHHH!"

GM: "Trixie, the guard you're grappling hits you with the butt of his MP5. Take four damage."
Trixie: "Trixie bites the pin on the grenade he's wearing and then jumps away!"
GM: "I'm making that a -6. Roll to grapple."
Trixie: "Critical success!"
GM: "The guard's grenade detonates in his pants."
Mason: "Wait, he has a grenade?!"
Trixie: "Had."
James: "He had pants too at one point."

GM: "Trixie, the remaining guard punches you for three damage. What do you do?"
Trixie: "Okay, we're in a stairwell and it spirals around an open shaft... Trixie casts Force Shove to push him down the shaft."
GM: "Can he defend? ...nevermind, he doesn't with this bad roll."
Trixie: "FUS-ROH-DAH!" *Rolls knockback damage*
GM: "He falls a couple flights and breaks his leg. Now what?"
Trixie: *Picks up the two MP5s dropped by the security guards* "THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!!"

James: "You took almost no damage in a fight against guards with MP5s! Does Trixie have bullet-proof nudity?"
Trixie: "Trixie isn't completely naked. She is wearing the kevlar vest."
Mason: "Trixie has 'saddle bags'."

Kesnit

2014-02-27, 07:25 PM

Jaime: [NPC] looks just like me, but more rugged. And shorter. And more grizzled.
Me: And white.

NPC: Hello, darling. I'm sorry I'm so late getting home. I was attacked after I left work.
Players: *groan and bang heads*

DigoDragon

2014-02-27, 11:24 PM

GM: "Here's money for the cat food and litter."
Trixie: "This is too much. The tab's only $21."
GM: "It's okay. Lincoln's a war criminal."
Trixie: "???" *Looks at the $5 bill*
$5 Bill: *Has a stamp reading 'Lincoln is a war criminal'*
Trixie: "What the fu**?!"

Mason: "I'm so proud of this team. We're going to be sending a unicorn home with the knowledge of every swear word in our culture."

Mason: "So, what's going on?"
River: "Everyone is wondering if you're coming."
Paul: "-To the game!"
James: "Yes, thank you for clarifying."

GM: "Okay, you make it to the parking lot."
James: "The building collapses."
GM: "Don't. Tempt. Me."

GM: "Trixie, there is a guard trying to shoot at you."
Trixie: "Trixie is in a parking lot, yes? Then she'll hide behind a small, maneuverable vehicle"
GM: "You hide behind a Fiat."
James: "That's more like fake body armor than a car."

James: "Maybe we should stop so some of you can change your underwear?"
Trixie: "Why? River and Mason live off the adrenaline rush of combat and Trixie isn't wearing any."

James: "Here I come to save the day!" *Gets hit by a taxi*

GM: "This is Monte Carlo. You can't afford the 5-Star hotel and there are no 3-Star hotels."

Trixie: "So how does Trixie play this game?"
Mason: "Okay, you're playing Craps. First, put on your Craps face."
James: *Spittake*

Mason: "This guy gave me his phone number."
James: "What's the number?"
Mason: "Uh, HerpyDerpiDerpiBorkBork-nine."
Paul: "Is that a Swedish area code?"

Trixie: "Trixie is trying to understand why anyone would want to jump out of a perfectly good building."

Paul: *Calling James on cell phones* "James, did you find where they're stashing the bomb?"
James: "Yeah, the parts for the bomb are stashed in the various pit stops along the race track."
Trixie: "So the pit crew assembles the bomb at each stop?"
James: "Yeah, that's actually a bit brilliant. Wish I thought of it."
Trixie: "Then let us find River. The three of us will be competence enough!"
Paul: *Over the phone* "Hello? I can still hear you both."
Trixie: "Shut up Paul, the adults are talking." *Hangs up on Paul*

Mason: "I don't have my staff? That doesn't sound like me."
GM: "You take your staff to breakfast?"
Mason: "Well yeah!"
Trixie: "What, can't get up in the morning without your... oh."
Mason: "Mwahaha, now who's great and powerful?"
Trixie: "Sigh, Trixie is going to hurt you."
Mason: "And how do you plan to do that?"
River: "Challenge Mason to a game of leapfrog, Trixie!"

Dromuthra

2014-02-28, 01:16 AM

"Free action until further notice: Screaming obscenities in the Rat Wizard's mind."

Lothmar

2014-02-28, 05:51 PM

@ Digo - Has trixie ever had scenes where they were bothered/interacted with by animal control, non talking Equus animals (horses, donkeys, etc) and or little girls/kids obsessed with ponies or want a ride?

---------

I wish she'd salt my mackerel.

player 1: Was that real?
me: SKEEeerherb! *Nodding upbeat aknowledgment as he pounds his chest*
Player 1: Not helping!

Player 1: So how much will you pay me?
Gm: Getting a little cocky aren't we?
Player 1: Well I did just save you.
Gm: So you've made yourself useful twice~
Me: *Heavy Swedish accent* And you'v made yourself useful never!

Cristo Meyers

2014-02-28, 10:59 PM

PC1: "Hey, Rook was a very...valued acquaintance."
PC2: *turns to PC3* "Didn't you tell me that Rook put a gun to this guy's head once?"
PC3: "Yes."
PC1: "Like I said: valued acquaintance."

Teapot Salty

2014-03-01, 12:26 AM

Stop being so classy, where pirates.

LadyMeyers

2014-03-01, 12:49 AM

"You will see the pot later."

--

"Touching is more appropriate."
"Not like that!"

--

"His parents wanted him to be tough on the outside."
"And, what, marshmallow on the inside?"

--

"That wasn't a dead body. That was a living person when I did that."

AntiTrust

2014-03-01, 02:13 AM

Player 1: "Do you think he'll become good by the time he hits the ground?"
Player 2: "In a way...we're helping him"

Temporal Echo

2014-03-01, 02:23 AM

Alchemist: Well, no use crying over spilled blood!
GM: ...How much health do you have left?
---
Alchemist: In case of emergency your monarch can be used as a floatation device.
---
Alchemist: This may be the first fantasy setting where burning the witch is out of the question.
---
GM: The manticore humiliates you, I can only assume sexually.
---
Cleric: Of course we are, what kind of murder hobos would we be otherwise?
---
GM: The elk is now sentient and scared out of its mind.
---
GM: You start bleeding out of your eyes.
---
Gunslinger: We should call it Fobgoblin Day.

Sir Conkey

2014-03-01, 08:10 AM

"Looks like you just brought a knife to a chair fight, son"

"Can anyone fly a plane?"
"Me! I can!"
"Can anyone fly a plane correctly?"

"Oh, and if anyone sees a gelatinous spider tank-thingy, watch out cause it's got my gun."

"I have faith in your ability to get out of that thing's stomach without my help."
"I have faith in your ability to go to hell!"

"I think your 'chair' is still alive"

"I planted the C4!"
"Where? No, what? What C4? Oh god, what C4?"
"Happy Birthday!"

"He died a hero"
"Albeit one who drowned in cake flavoured vodka"

ddude987

2014-03-01, 10:18 PM

Dm: "take 10 damage"
Player: "nah, I don't wanna."

DigoDragon

2014-03-02, 11:21 AM

@ Digo - Has trixie ever had scenes where they were bothered/interacted with by animal control, non talking Equus animals (horses, donkeys, etc) and or little girls/kids obsessed with ponies or want a ride?

Not counting the scientists that caught her in the campaign's beginning, we had two such incidents.

The first was in Germany. The team was casing a building and Trixie was in a back alley checking on rear entrances. She came out of the alley and crossed paths with a group of German school children who apparently thought a bright blue unicorn was the best thing ever. So they chased her down a block until she used her Spider-Climb spell to run up another building.

The second incident was a wealthy rancher in the hills outside Monte Carlo. His daughter bumped into Trixie and was so enamored by a talking Unicorn that she wanted to take Trixie shopping in town. Trixie willingly went along, as this quickly turned into a lot of attention for the unicorn. :smallbiggrin:
That bit her in the behind later, but hey, that's Trixie.

Spore

2014-03-02, 11:34 AM

Sorcerer [while casting hideous laughter onto an Fire Elemental]: You're fired.

Cleric: Of course we are, what kind of murder hobos would we be otherwise?

I would LOVE to be part of that group.

Erberor

2014-03-02, 02:57 PM

"The one time I try diplomacy we end up starting a war..."

"He's also carrying a bag of chips, so he gets a snack attack bonus!"

Player 1 "Give them the ale!"
Player 2 "What? Why on earth would I do that?"
Player 1 "Because you're trying to be friends with them, and we have as much cheap all as we want!"
Player 2 "Exactly! I don't want to give my friends weak ale!"

Player: "I summon Lionel Richie, the lantern archon!"
DM: "You realize that every time you cast the summon spell, you summon a different creature, right?"
Player: "I don't care. They're ALL Lionel Richie!"

ZeroGear

2014-03-02, 04:07 PM

"You leave that human outside, uyou hear me stegosaurus!"

"Shrink!" *whoosh* "You are now a mini-me!"

"I hit it with an acid arrow!"
"I summon a giant ant!"
"…Oh my god! We've got ant-acid!"

"I fail miserably…and it obeys me."

"Are we supposed to kill him yet?"
*all together*: "NO!"

"Golem go down the hooooole!"

"How big is there pit?"
"30ft"
Oh, ok."
"We can drop stuff on it's head now."
"Yeah."
"We can drop Sven on it now!"

"This shall forever known as the adventure that invented dino-bombing!"

Silus

2014-03-02, 09:00 PM

Not an actual campaign quote, but a buddy of mine are chatting about a Star Wars game he's gonna run.

"Well how are we going to stop the Empire from screwing us with the Interdiction class Star Destroyer?"
"Weeeeeell I have this capsule here...."
"What's in it?"
"Ever heard of Blackwing?"

YOU GET ALL THE DARK SIDE POINTS
ALL OF THEM

:smallbiggrin:

Forrestfire

2014-03-02, 09:55 PM

[21:49] Player "horse-based"
[21:49] Player I'd ask for elaboration, but I think it's better as a mental image
[21:49] DM It's at least 20% horse by volume.

Sith_Happens

2014-03-03, 06:33 AM

DM: "You set off a Chain Lightning trap." *rolls for damage*
Suddenly-Extremely-Crispy Bard: "...Remind me which of you can keep that from happening next time?"
Not-Crispy-Because-Evasion Ranger: [Loudly] "You know, this reminds me of a story..."

DM: "You find a crystal ball with 'Boob-o-Vision' engraved on the stand. It is currently cycling between nude female targets selected at random."
Player: "Is the opposite wall covered in fedoras?"
DM: "Yes."

Fighter: "I poke the undead bird with my halberd."
DM: "It snaps at you."
Fighter: "I poke it harder."
DM: "It dies."

Bard: "I stare at the crystal ball inquisitively for about ten seconds, then turn it off."
DM: "You're not the one who Identified it, so make whatever kind of check that is."
Bard: "Whatever, I succeed on a 2..."
*rolls a 1*
DM: "It zooms in."

Bard (OOC): "No, we had the Shield Guardian do that... And could totally be having it do this for us too. I roll to see how stupid I feel for not thinking of that before everyone took a bunch of damage."
*rolls a 5*
DM: "You feel extremely stupid."
Bard: "I say 'Hang on' loudly, look thoughtful for about ten seconds, then simultaneously facepalm and point at the Shield Guardian."

*Ranger kills a Fiendish Megaraptor in one full attack*
*player immediately plays Rules of Nature on his laptop*

"We stuff the corpse-goo into the hand slot as best we can."

Samshiir

2014-03-03, 03:48 PM

Player (Paladin): "It's really a shame that (the dryad) said 'the aura of evil you brought with you' just as I was using my unholy sword to hack apart some trees..."

Spacebatsy

2014-03-03, 04:09 PM

Berserker: "*sigh* Oh, well. What’s a royal ball?"
GM: "Nothing your character will ever experience"

Player: "I'll look for the control"
GM: "You find the assassin, he's doing sit-ups"

Player: "What does the carouse skill do?"
GM: "It makes you able to eat and drink"
Player: "A rather important skill I take it?"

"I'll shoot the chubby with my shotgun… oh repeat that three times while drunk"

"Today I've killed a suitcase"

"You better be nice to me, because you’re just a figure of my imagination"

"You know the guy we were supposed to capture or kill? We work for him now"

Player 1: "So he’s in a bathtub covered in the blood of our hostages, but no, that piece of bone around my neck is the real problem"
Player 2: "Yes, because it vibrates, I don’t"

Player: "Will the fiends get here before we get out?"
Oracle: "Time is of the essence"
Player: "I know, that's why I need quick answers"

"With my most charming whisky voice and my rawest bedchamber glare I introduce myself as Riggi Straws"

Player: "You call that a knife? This is a knife!"
NPC: "That’s no knife, that’s a revolv…"
*Bang*
Player: "Stupid **** should have paid attention!"

DSmaster21

2014-03-03, 04:16 PM

"Your Friends are most ... unusual."

*Throws Hood Back* "I have horns."
"D-Demon" *Sprints out of Room*
:smallannoyed:

He starts punching you in the face.

Do I have any bruises or a nosebleed?

"I would suggest you not try that again."

Your character is a dwarf with charisma of 5 just because I said that being of the opposite gender as a character gives you +2 to diplomacy does not mean you can seduce NPCs by stripping naked and changing right in front of them into a dress and rolling a disguise check.

You killed your mom for 10 gold.
Hey, shut up I bought 5 daggers with that gold!
Was that IC?

Sure why not.

Sure why not.

Sure why not. (The DM probably said that at least twice a minute)

No more explosives for the dwarf.
No more dresses for the dwarf.
No more feminine undergarments for the dwarf.
No more swords for the dwarf.
No more minions for the dwarf.
No more bothering other's minions, dwarf.
No seducing fellow PCs, dwarf.

This session went very well.
The Rogue is a matricidal criminal, the Dwarf is highly disturbing, Your guy is planning to kill me, I made a sword OOC that is evil and just stole the powers of a lich and the dwarf and you have elevated it to big bad, and our paladin is not sure he will ever be able to attend a session.
Like I said it went very well.

Ionbound

2014-03-03, 09:31 PM

I swear, this campaign just keeps making quotes:

"Samshiir's +5 Keen Vorpal Monkey Wrench of Fear(tm) has been hurled into the gears of this conversation."

Mekboy

2014-03-04, 04:37 AM

"Who knows how to drive?"
"No ranks, but I'm an enthusiastic amateur."

DigoDragon

2014-03-04, 08:50 AM

"No ranks, but I'm an enthusiastic amateur."

I used to have a player who was like that. His nickname was "Captain Default".
The guy wore it like a badge and he was quite entertaining.

ReaderAt2046

2014-03-04, 01:17 PM

"Who knew a phone could have gender identity issues?"

"I summon... The Magnifying Glass FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!"

"I hit the elf in the face with my sword, rolling Bluff to make it look like an accident."

"Your psion tried to telepathically communicate. With. A. Mind. Flayer."

hemming

2014-03-04, 05:09 PM

2 players in unison enthusiastically - a third player face palms: "Move Lich, get out the way - get out the way Lich - get out the way"

Erik Vale

2014-03-04, 07:11 PM

DnD Next IRL is fun with a good dm.

Me [Suggestion]: "No, your charging the wrong group! Charge the other humans!"
DM: "The Cyclops/Ogre charges back the way it came."
Others [Slight Variation]: "The Hostages!"

"Don't, [The Warforged] has cameras for eyes!"

[Warforged Player]: "[Warforged] always tells the truth."
Me: "I suggest you don't."
Party: "There are more of us then you have spell slots."

[Pixie mage of godlyness]: [PMoG] just glares at you, and shoots at you twice. Roll saves.
Me: 19 and 16.
DM: You fall asleep.

[Asleep, PMoG is reading my mind, and apparently I can still here surroundings]

Me: I didn't kill them.
PMoG: Don't lie to me again young man.
Me: I dream the Cyclops squashing the hostages. And me collecting their bloody smears for resurrection.

PMoG: So are these men good for anything? [Directed to the two girls in the party, who are staying very quiet]
Me: Apparently killing hostages.
Party: Would you like a shovel?
Me: Hey, it could have killed the guys in the caps instead of the hostages. Heck, they were closer.

DM: Okay, you wake up as a Girl, a hairy, scally girl. [Me, LE Tiefling]
Me: Thank god, at least I'm not a lemure... I may forget to prepare spells tomorrow.

----
I think I'll start taking notes for better quotes.

Doorhandle

2014-03-04, 11:34 PM

"Even Azathoth is intimidated!"

Ksheep

2014-03-05, 02:31 AM

"So, we need to get him back after the tourney. Otherwise, I'm a sitting duck. Well, a heavily armored duck. More like a battleship, but still…"

Erberor

2014-03-05, 03:54 AM

"Unless you can kill it with your soulful, brooding gaze, I suggest you try hitting it."

"I don't need red bull to get my wings! I ALREADY HAVE WINGS!"

Player: "I am beginning to regret my decision..."
DM: "You came crashing down from 200 feet into the center of a military camp. You didn't think they were going to be nice, did you?"

Lord Lemming

2014-03-05, 05:38 PM

Female Elf Fighter: "So, um, Mr. Dragon? Do you have any weak spots?"

Female Elf Wizard: "But what if they present themselves to us!?"
(On the subject of the all-female-elf party bunking for the night in a fort mostly manned by human men.)

Ionbound

2014-03-05, 09:59 PM

"It is like she is both panicked and so very clam at the same time."

Samshiir

2014-03-05, 10:05 PM

"It is like she is both panicked and so very clam at the same time."

Oh the calamity!

Beowulf DW

2014-03-05, 11:05 PM

DM: "You know how some weapons are designed to kill a rider and steed at the same time?"
Me: "Yeah"
DM: "You've done that with a dagger."

DM: "The druid begins whimpering for his life and the purity of his orifices."

Oh the clamity!

Fixed it.

Turalisj

2014-03-06, 12:22 AM

"The statue assassinates you. You are now dead."

Sith_Happens

2014-03-06, 06:17 AM

(On the subject of the all-female-elf party bunking for the night in a fort mostly manned by human men.)

Hey, the thread title clearly says "No Context.":smalltongue:

Leon

2014-03-06, 07:37 AM

"I could throw a wheel of cheese at it and do the same damage"

"We are deforesting the elven lands, care to join us"

"So it took 40 elves in groups of ten to seriously hurt me"

"She's my daughter
Why is she coming on this hunt
She's quite able in combat
"Intense combat"
She's not your daughter is she
No, but don't advertise that. We are under cover"

"But we promised him freedom....
You and the elves did, I wanted vengeance for what he did to my people"

"The blood won't come off, its cursed.
Well fine least it is and not me, we just won't let them see the spear"

Tied into this one

"I show them the spear"

" We have a Axe that can fell a tree with one blow, of course its going to want to control what can kill it"

"Halfling Blood Magic"

Svata

2014-03-06, 11:07 AM

Player 1:"I need the spell, 'Summon Rules Lawyer'
Its Epic, probably. "

Player 2:"Protection from RAI is cheaper, has a spellcraft DC of 36 instead of 52, and you still get most of the benefits."

Lord Lemming

2014-03-06, 08:00 PM

Hey, the thread title clearly says "No Context.":smalltongue:

BLARG! I was sure I saw someone else posting context-laden quotes somewhere around here...:smalltongue:

Dimers

2014-03-06, 08:12 PM

"Now she's in a position to go house on the monster. Well ... go cottage, anyway, her DPS isn't that good."

TuggyNE

2014-03-06, 09:30 PM

BLARG! I was sure I saw someone else posting context-laden quotes somewhere around here...:smalltongue:

You probably did, but that doesn't mean you should imitate their poorly-chosen samples. :smalltongue::smallbiggrin:

Taet

2014-03-06, 10:16 PM

"Here, let me text you her number, maybe she'll believe you." :smallsigh:
"Dude. Dude! Give him the Rickroll number!!!!" :smalltongue:
"There's a Rickroll number?" :smallconfused:
"YES! This needs to happen." :smallbiggrin:
/texts
"He just sent me back a text saying You ******." :smallamused:
"Hahahaha. Ok I have completely lost track of what is going on. Whose roll is it?" :smallsmile:
"Rick's." :smallcool:

Codex

2014-03-07, 03:00 AM

"My ears are more firmly toned than your whole freaking battle fleet!"

"There are Dragons IN THE LATRINES! This is MOST unacceptable!"

"My ears don't need a corset!"

"I fully expected you to double-cross us. I just didn't think the dog would be involved."

"Halflings aren't bats! Do we need to go over this again?"

Mutazoia

2014-03-07, 08:56 AM

You probably did, but that doesn't mean you should imitate their poorly-chosen samples. :smalltongue::smallbiggrin:

He IS a lemming after all.....

DigoDragon

2014-03-07, 02:26 PM

He IS a lemming after all.....

Your icon really sells that post.

PC1: "Should we invite PC3 over?"
PC2: "Why? The the only thing he does here is sleep on the futon."
DM: "If he even shows up at all."
PC2: "Besides, he's already playing in another group."
DM: "Actually he stopped showing up to that group's sessions too."
PC1: "Wait, doesn't he host that group? At his place?"
DM: "Eeyup."

The Prince of Cats

2014-03-07, 03:04 PM

Wizard: I think I have to perform a caesarian...
Rogue: Do you want to take some of my drugs to knock her out then?
Wizard: Oh... I was just going to use Hold Person, but maybe you're right...
NPC: What‽ Are you sure that you're a real physician?

Ryu_Bonkosi

2014-03-08, 04:48 PM

"You may be the Son of God, but I am the Son of SLAM!"

Samshiir

2014-03-08, 05:10 PM

PC: That is why we brought four Red Dragons with us!

ddude987

2014-03-08, 05:16 PM

Player: I walk over to inspect the body. What action is that?
Dm: its an initiative roll.

Dm: [player2] is grappled.
Player 1: you probably should have taken escape artist for when you're not wild shaped.
Player 2: ehh I'd rather have prof (gambler)

d13

2014-03-09, 03:46 AM

"So, the only thing we have to do is find this old lady's balls, put them in a cup, shake 'em around a little, and then smacking them on this tablet?
Sounds easy..."

"...Sounds painful".

Baroncognito

2014-03-09, 06:16 AM

"Oh, well apparently Meridash doesn't need to make a will save because he just agreed to eat it. Make a fort save."

"The whole room detects as poison."

"Will you give me a bucket ride?"

Zazax

2014-03-09, 06:36 AM

Player 1: *Evil grin* My airship is vastly superior to yours. It's twice the size of yours, heavily armored, and has a main cannon that could split your ship in half with a single shot. I am willing to listen to the terms of your surrender, and perhaps I'll kill you quickly if you do.
Player 2: Not so fast. Your airship has one glaring weakness.
Player 1: And what would that be?
Player 2: *stabs Player 1*

DM: *facepalm* Congratulations, [Player 3]. Your brother is now an animated pile of spaghetti.
Player 3: Whoops.
DM: His roiling mass quivers with discontent

The Fury

2014-03-09, 11:13 AM

"You were electrocuted. We could see your skeleton."

"Oh... See anything you liked?"

DigoDragon

2014-03-09, 11:36 AM

PC Ninja/Monk Build: "I'll take the AoO from the golem and try to jump back into the church through the window."
DM: "Through the broken window you made earlier?"
PC N/M: "No, I'll make a new one, gotta have style. My Jump check is a 14."
DM: "The DC was 15. So the golem hits you..."
PC N/M: "I can take it."
DM: "Correction, crit-hits you for 47 damage. You take another 5 from broken glass as you fail to clear the window."
PC Bard: "Ninja Monk, Ninja Monk, tried the window but he got stuck. Can he fight or cast a spell? No he can't, he's a Ninja-Monk. Look out here comes the Ninja-Monk!"

Svata

2014-03-09, 11:38 AM

DM: *facepalm* Congratulations, [Player 3]. Your brother is now an animated pile of spaghetti.
Player 3: Whoops.
DM: His roiling mass quivers with discontent

That is the funniest thing I have read in a while.

Legato Endless

2014-03-09, 12:51 PM

"You were electrocuted. We could see your skeleton."

"Oh... See anything you liked?"

More romances need to be written like this.

The Fury

2014-03-09, 12:59 PM

More romances need to be written like this.

Hey, I'd read that.

ZeroGear

2014-03-09, 01:06 PM

"He's so stuck up, the'll probably assume he's nobility."

"My career as a bodyguard will be over if they ever find out I was involved in their kidnapping."

"Do they smell dead?"

"Consume them and multiply!"
"NO way! I am NOT getting in the middle of some kind of undead orgy!"

"Take the youngest ones first!"
"I am a hundred-and-fourty, that clearly puts me last!"

"I am going to" *rolls* "fall into the pit."

"They have to die horribly, so everything *I* kill will become a zombie."

Baroncognito

2014-03-10, 01:42 AM

"Would a sommelier use 'Profession: Cook' or would it be 'Profession: Sommelier'?"

Spacebatsy

2014-03-10, 09:49 AM

GM: “He is dead”
Imi: “I give him Regenerate II”
GM: “His skull is crushed”
Imi: “Oh, I didn’t know he was THAT dead”

Julia: “I think someone’s shooting at us from the windows!”
Seb: “Wait I’ll check. No, I don’t see any… *BANG*”

GM: “You are under attack! Roll for…”
Imi: “Yeah, yeah, we know the drill: Seb, take your pick of critical wound to head and/or chest in the first round. I’ll make a “tactical retreat” and Julia, throw yourself behind a rock and scream “We are going to die!””

“I don’t like this, my mutant sense is tingling”

Seb: “Wait, wait! I don’t get it, why is Blue Flares helping us?”
Julia: “Because he hates the gangsters and they were the ones who attacked us”
Seb: “I thought we worked for the gangsters”
GM: “Blue Flares raises his guns…”

GM: “Where are you in this, Seb?"
Seb: “Where do you think? On the floor with a critical chest wound"
GM: “Oh… well, you see a grenade roll towards you"
Seb: “I hate you…”

NPC: Are you true Pyrian patriots?
*In unison*
Julia: “Yes!”
Vyrl: “Ehm…”
Imi: “No!”

Julia: “Can’t we just assure them he is a good fighter?”
GM: “Come to think about it, have any of you actually seen Seb fight? All you ever seen is how he, time after another, takes critical damage to head and/or chest. Have you any idea how much he has cost you in healing drugs?! Seb is not a mutant anymore, he is a cyborg due to all the metal that’s etched into his increasingly blown-apart walking corpse!”

GM: It seems to be a puppy-dog and...
Imi: A puppy-dog!
GM: ... In the Zone, mind you. You all know there is nothing more dangerous than touching anything from the Zone...
Imi: I cuddle it!

hellmonkeyd2

2014-03-10, 10:19 AM

"... and that was when the genocidal pacifist, wielding the anointed AK-47, loaded with the holy ammo, unloaded into the Demon lieutenant and totally stole the archangel's kill."

Pokonic

2014-03-10, 12:06 PM

"Delusions of godhood? Hah! I have no delusions!"

DigoDragon

2014-03-10, 03:32 PM

"Yarr, avast, yo-ho-ho and... um, other pirate phrases."

"Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think so Spark, but corduroy pants itch a lot."

A Tad Insane

2014-03-10, 04:12 PM

"If your purpose is sagrado, I will gladly smite your enemies with my fists of justice!"
"You are the singular worst weeabo ever"

Grim Portent

2014-03-10, 05:22 PM

Me: I saw you fighting the squishyliscious offworlder and though I'd join in.
PC: I don't know if I should feel insulted or not.

Me: Three to one is hardly fair, I'll let you got get more friends so I may have a challenge.

Me: I play elevator music from my vox-implant.
Other-Player: Is that your battle cry?

Me: You organics are like eclairs.
PC: What?
Me: A crisp pastry outside filled with soft cream.
PC: What?

DigoDragon

2014-03-11, 08:12 AM

"He was run over by a Mac truck."
"Ah. I guess he was a man of no spoilers."
"What do you mean?"
"Because he... *shades* ...didn't see the trailer." :smallcool:

Spacebatsy

2014-03-11, 04:44 PM

GM: “It seems like the village of monsters are too preoccupied with their captives to have noticed you”
Julia: “Good, then we’ll silently make our way around it”
Johanna/Seb: *Deep sigh* “Seb takes aim”
Sarah/Julia: “No, no Johanna, that’s really stupid!”
Johanna/Seb: “I have no control over him! He clearly has higher morality then me. So you better start running, join in or hit him over the head”
All: “We run”
Johanna/Seb: “You are such good friends”

GM: “Make me some spaghetti!”
Sarah/Julia: “No way, it’s your turn”
GM: “Well, then I can’t be held responsible for what happens to Julia”
Emily/Imi: “It’s not okay to keep a character hostage for personal gain!”

Imi: “All of mine is mine and all of yours is mine when you look away”

NPC: “[…] and I’ll take your rifle”
Seb: “What, my rifle? MY RIFLE?!”
Julia: “Calm down, just give him your rifle”
Seb: “What the? I will not qualify as a sniper carrying nothing but a hatchet!”

Imi: “You should have just given him the rifle, Julia gave him her plasma pistol, and that one’s worth at least ten times as much as your rifle”
Seb: “That may be true, but this is my rifle. There are many others like it, but this one is mine…”
In unison with the GM: “My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless” *High-fives GM*
Imi: “I thought we agreed on no flirting with the GM?”

““Over there” Shouts the robot-head and poin… and nod… and can in no way whatsoever incline what direction he is referring to”

Julia: “I’ll try and communicate with Seb telepathically”
Johanna/Seb: “Sure about that?”
GM: “No off-talk. Go ahead”
Julia: “Don’t freak out now…”
Seb: *Freaks out*
GM: “Your drinking-buddies stares at your friend acting like a madman”
Julia: “Oh, don’t mind her, she’s drunk”
Seb: “No, I’m not! And that would be him and he thank you very much! *voice climbing towards falsetto* Do you always have to question my manliness?!”

Kazudo

2014-03-11, 10:57 PM

"So what we have to do is pin the giant stone ice-cream monster down and jam bananas in its eyes to-"

quote cut short by a lolquit.

Necroticplague

2014-03-12, 02:22 PM

DM: you see PC2 walking down the inn hall, the pale bloodless look like the time she tried to memorize the version of the Necromonicon written in dark speech.
PC3: What the heck happened to you?
PC2:I saw [PC1] bathing. Some things were truly not meant for man to know.

Lord Raziere

2014-03-13, 01:34 AM

"For Communism!"

"What the hell is communism?"

"I will savor that expression. It tastes like victory."

Spacebatsy

2014-03-14, 12:07 PM

GM: “Roll to see what you know about North Home”
Julia: “Nothing”
Imi: “Me neither”
Seb: “I know EVERYTHING there is to know about North Home!”
Imi: “How? I thought you were stationed at Pirit?”
Seb: “Yes well… It was a crazy leave, woke up here, like three days drive away, hoping no-one seen me sign up for the voluntary frontier guard…”

GM: “You look up just in time to see a half-naked bear soaring through the air, smashing into the concrete bridge and painfully crawling up on top of it”

Seb: “I don’t get it! Why do they attack us? Because we work for the colonel?”
Imi: “No, it’s because they’re looking for Mr S”
Julia: “No, no, it’s not us they’re after, it’s the girlfriend!”
GM: “How can three people interpret the same information in three different ways, all of them wrong?”

GM: “Alright, the mercs hear someone shout “can’t we talk about this” at almost the exacts same time as a crazy marauder pops up in the doorway and breaths a cone of fire over them”

GM: “So. After month of dragging it around Seb finally gets to use the rocket-launcher. By effectively derailing a train, not knowing what’s inside or who’s driving it, causing a massive havoc that makes it quite easy for the advancing enemy troops to pick their way through you defenses. Well done.”
Seb: “I’m not even sorry, it was totally worth it!”

GM: As you open it a tiny [feline monster] cub blinks at you sleepily”
All: “Aaaw”
GM: *Face-palms* Is that really how your characters react?
Imi: “True... I jump back in horror!”
Julia: “Kill it! Kill it!

Julia: “We knock him out”
GM: “With what?”
Julia: “With our… come on what have you got?
Imi: “A lock pick?”
Seb: “I have a flashlight”
Julia: “With Sebs flashlight!”
GM: “You do not manage to knock out the guard who cries out in pain as the flashlight breaks. The guards cries seems to have attracted the attention of the nearby patrol”
Seb: “Is this a good time to remember I also have a baton?”

GM: “Well then, Vyrl has almost had her arms ripped off, Seb has, as usual, critical chest wounds, Imi is DEAD and Julia… has got a slight headache”

ddude987

2014-03-14, 06:35 PM

OOC:

Player 1: All in favor of leaving [PC 5] tied up?
*PC 1,2,3* raise hands
Player 4: All in favor of you guys are giant pricks?
*PC 1,2,4* raise hands

Player 3: I'm going to gargle my dice...
Player 1: Why not just eat a d20, poop it out, and see what you get.
Player 3: That's the crappiest thing I've heard all day.

Sith_Happens

2014-03-14, 07:02 PM

"The dragon said that there's worse inside."
"I don't believe it."
"It's a dragon."
"With terrible self-esteem issues."

"I [the Cleric] go with you [the Bard]."
"We don't need the oni to have sex, we need them to riot."

"I [the Knight] go with you [the Bard]. I don't see a nobleman taking part in what's essentially a proletariat revolution."

"I didn't know he had a wife, who told me he had a wife?"
"You hear from a shop miles away: 'I TOLD YOU.'"

"Whatever, she wants to glare at people."

"This place is inexplicably not smoggy, I think it's pretty darn affluent."

Player 1: "I look for the nanny."
DM: *starts chuckling*
Player 2: "Way ahead of you." *plays The Nanny intro*
DM: "Now I really want to name her Fran."
Player 1: "So do it."

Bard: "Would you like my servant to make tea?"
Fran: "No, let me."
DM: "She makes... Wow, a natural 20."

Bard: "I would like to speak to [the next boss] as a fellow father."
(Female) Beguiler: "You have children? I didn't know that."
Warblade: "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't know if you had children."
Ranger: "SHOTS FIRED."

"I roll Decipher Drunk Script."

Beowulf DW

2014-03-14, 08:06 PM

"We're going to stick out like an ice-cream truck in a war zone!"
"We ARE an ice-cream truck in a war zone!"

Jakodee

2014-03-14, 09:42 PM

"And the ogre-magi drives the dagger into the daimyo's daughter's chest causing a blinding golden flash. Out of the eye appears the avatar of grumush."
"I...****"

Ionbound

2014-03-15, 10:21 AM

"You're in a convent even! Do I have a giant chainsword?!"

The Fury

2014-03-15, 03:36 PM

"And the ogre-magi drives the dagger into the daimyo's daughter's chest causing a blinding golden flash. Out of the eye appears the avatar of grumush."
"I...****"

... That sounds like context wouldn't even really help.

Pokonic

2014-03-15, 04:57 PM

"So, it's an angel. That's good, right?"

"No, it's sort of the opposite of good."

"Huh? Why?"

"Does the word 'Jubileus' mean anything to you, by perchance?"

Erth16

2014-03-16, 12:58 AM

"The bazooka guy, after firing his four bazookas with his hands and feet tosses them all in the air, and pulls out a fifth bazooka, and fires it at you with his teeth. He then begins juggling all five of his bazooka, that he has because his a bazooka guy."

"You are ambushed by a horde of Slakoth."

"DODGE IT DODGE DODGE IT!"
"I CAN'T, THIS IS A TRAIN!"
"GO IN REVERSE!"

"Okay, so here is the situation. We are in the New California Republic, which is actually just California+cyborg nazis. We are at war with the USA, which has no legislative branch, and its executive branch consists entirely of JFK. There is also the CSA, which exists exactly as it did at the start of the American Civil War, except we are in the year 2040. Meanwhile, New Cuba, which consists of Puerto Rico, Guam, The Virgin Islands, Maine, Nebraska, Hawaii, and Alaska, and is led by Zhuge Liang, George Washington, Genghis Khan, and Xiahou Mao. Any questions?"

"We would like to give a eulogy at this mans funeral"
Fighter: "We both liked swords. Him, because they interested him in the way they were made. I just like stabbing people."
Crowd: "BOOOOO!!!!"
Wizard: "He was pretty cool. I mean we worshiped the same demon lord and all."
Crowd: "BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Druid: "He had good nuts."
Crowd: "Umm....."
Mammoth: "Trumpeting of trunk"
DM: "The crowd is brought to tears by the beauty of the mammoths eulogy."

Sith_Happens

2014-03-16, 03:01 AM

Beguiler: "Perhaps I could seduce him?"
Bard: "He's happily married."
Beguiler: *evil laugh*

"Oh, so you can knock out the Cleric."

ddude987

2014-03-16, 03:11 AM

"You're not just arguing, you're killing each other over bacon."

"I demand a recount!"
"So you're al gore?"
"I vote the pigs should die, I AM Al Gore!"

"Trial by fire on the pigs."
"So the witch test?"
"If they don't die, they're evil. If they do die... bacon!"

"I'm not going to rest! First chance, I'll run away in the night and kill the pigs!"
"No!!! They're my kin!"
*Incomprehensible arguing*
"CALM DOWN!! GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER SAYS CALM DOWN!"

"We have to test if the pigs are evil"
"Use the candle of truth on the pigs."
DM: "Open your mind broooooo, open your mind"

Necroticplague

2014-03-16, 02:05 PM

PC1:Hold on, every slime we've seen so far has been female, how do these things reproduce?
PC2:For the love of god, don't ask that kind of stuff. He's probably not only thought of the answer, but has a whole powerpoint off stuff we don't want to know.
DM:Hey, what kind of person do you take me for!
PC2:The type who would play Trials in Tainted Space and Corruption of Champ in one browser while DMing in another.On a related note, I can see your screen in your glasses reflection.

Ionbound

2014-03-16, 03:16 PM

Cobalt313

2014-03-16, 04:26 PM

"Why were you digging a trench?"
"He told me to."

"I never thought I'd say this but... take 3d8 boat damage".

Ryu_Bonkosi

2014-03-16, 05:10 PM

I want to start a new thread based on this...I don't know what it should be about, though.

I second this motion. If only because T.i.T.S & Corruption of Champions would be interesting campaign settings.

ZeroGear

2014-03-16, 08:16 PM

"Oh god, please tell me we are not going to wind up getting to the end boss, where [PC1] is tied to a post, and the villain says: 'Too late heroes! I've already taken the hostages virginity!'"
"That ship has sailed long ago buddy."

"So basically you were g*y-r*ped by a bunch of pirates?"
"That is not what I intended to say!"

"A small snail falls out of the shoot…and turns into a gelatinous cube."

"He's having a grand-old time rubbing evil all over it's body."

"The halfling is our only hope…we're doomed."

"Nooo! Incorporeal pr*cks!"

"The ball says 'Touch me. Touch this ball!'"

"Riddlemastery! What? It's a word, I'm a dragon, I make up my own language!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A man falls out of the closet covered in a paper bag."

"Your character climbs back into the closet, puts the bag back onto his head, and starts screaming about the aliens."

"One of them has a mini-gun, one of them has a rocket launcher, and one of them just has a really big rock."

"What do you use to brace [PC1]'s leg?"
"[PC2]'s leg!"

"So, after causing the thousand-super-mutant-migration and escaping the Pitt, what are you doing now?"
"I'm going to try crossbreeding those puppies we found with our baby death claw."
"Oh god, you've created hellhounds!"
"Sweet! We can breed and sell them to armies and make millions!"

ReaderAt2046

2014-03-16, 10:12 PM

GM: "Well, we're out of time, so we'll start the next session here, as you guys prepare to throw down with the High Priest Of Dagon."

(minutes earlier)

Pissed-off High Priest Of Dagon: "You miserable WORMS! You Descendants of APES!..."

Me: (raises hand) "Not true."

Jay R

2014-03-17, 12:29 AM

BBEG: You? You're the great heroes that plan to stop me?
Me: Nope. We're just those meddling kids you'd have gotten away with it if not for.

Ninjaxenomorph

2014-03-17, 09:29 AM

Conman Veteran: Oh, we're not smuggling spice or guns or even this prototype engine, we're smuggling this ship.
Imperial Customs Officer: This junker? Really? (Laughs)
Veteran: Oh, your superiors didn't tell you? Guess they don't want you getting a cut of the profits.
Officer: I... I'm going to get orders. You all star here.

imaloony

2014-03-17, 02:10 PM

"If you eat this, I'm sorry, your adventure is OVER."

------------------------------

"Has it been two days yet?"

------------------------------

"Is that the Druid that seduced me?"

Necroticplague

2014-03-17, 02:25 PM

PC1:"HATE FEEDS THE MEAT!"
PC2:Your reflexive insanity kick in?
PC1:"I'M READY FOR A SPINE-TINGLER!"
PC2:I'll take that as a 'yes'.

Spacebatsy

2014-03-17, 04:12 PM

GM: “He wants 24 credits”
PC: “We can live with that, how much money does [absent PC’s character] have anyway?”

GM: “You have three options when it comes to guides, one…”
PC 1: “Does any of them have a hat?”
GM: “… yes”
PC 2: “Does any of them have a gasmask?”
GM: “yes”
PC 3: “Does any of them have both?”
GM: “Yes”
All: “Sold!”

“Who are you? How did you get in here, and most importantly, why do you look like me?!”

“Sauron is actually the good guy, he only want the orcs to be accepted and have a place to live. He’s like a mace wielding Martin Luther King”

“We fight chaos in the name of economy”

Halfling bard: ”I’m sure there is something you can share about yourself, like, do you have a big family?”
Orc: “Yes”
[…]
Halfling bard: “No, of course [the orc] will come along if I ask. We share a special bond, we’ve talked about our families and everything”

GM: “A man is preaching in the square”
PC 1: “What are the quantities of rotten tomatoes?”
GM: “Zero!”
PC 2: “They’re all taken…”

PC 1: “Sorry, I can’t help you right now!”
PC 2: “Don’t worry we’re in no hurry… you know, since we’re dead!”
PC 3: “Nah, we’re just chilling, relaxing, maximum cool. Then a couple undead, they were up to no good, starting making trouble in our neighborhood. We had one little fight... and then death.”
PC 2: “We’re the fresh kills of Bell Air”

Sith_Happens

2014-03-17, 11:02 PM

PC 1: "Why did [PC 1's mother] have to die?"
Elemental Weird: "Because you killed her." *shrug* "**** happens."
PC 2: "That second sentence strikes me as rather unprofessional."

"We're about to get cocaine-covered healing items."

Player 1: "I think he just said he's attacking the DM through the fourth wall."
DM: "Okay, make an attack roll."
Player 1: "Please be a natural 20."
Player 2: *rolls* "It is."
Player 1: "ATTACK ON DUNGEON MASTER." *immediately plays Guren no Yumiya on laptop*

Bard: "31 Perform (Percussion Instruments). I am somehow playing every part in Rules of Nature simultaneously, on my drum. Including the vocals."
DM: "I will allow this."

"I hit it with my ****ing axe."
"A ****ing axe? I want to know what kind of item that is exactly."
"Then we'd actually be in FATAL territory."

Senshi Akai

2014-03-18, 09:47 AM

PC: Oh god, the DM is smiling! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

--------------------------------------------

PC 1: Hey [DM], that’s so little exp. Here, have a chocolate.
PC 2: Are you bribing the DM for more exp? With chocolate?!
DM: *eating chocolate* I would never accept such thing!

Necroticplague

2014-03-18, 11:24 AM

PC:DESTROY THE HERESAY!
*ducks behind cover*
PC:BURN THE HERETIC!
Voice in PC head:We'll burn all the heretics later. But right now, if you don't do something, the only way safely through the warp, resistance against enemy psykers, and chance of getting lucky are all going to go up in smoke.
*growls*
PC:HIT THE GROUND, PRETTY LADY!
*chucks vortex grenade*

The Prince of Cats

2014-03-18, 11:41 AM

"If you are trying to seduce her, you're barking up the wrong druid..."

FallenFallcrest

2014-03-18, 10:59 PM

Paraphrased, so not really a quote but still pretty funny:

PC 1: "How are you going to explain to them, when they wake up, why they are in a pool of vomit?"

PC 2: "They won't notice, come on, let's go to the cave."

PC 1: "But what if something tries to attack them while they are unconscious?"

PC 2: "I've got that covered, I hung them from the trees, like what you do to stop bears from getting your picnic food!"

*Later*

Out of character PC 2: "So, how are we going to explain how he got eaten by zombies while his character was unconscious? I am not admitting to them it was my fault!"

DM: "I guess we will have to find some way to cheat and say he survived... oh! I had never actually added his armor. None of those attacks would have hit."

*Everyone facepalms*

Our of character PC 2: "Oh come on! I wouldn't have been so nice to them, had I known that!"

Cloud

2014-03-19, 07:05 AM

"Hmm, could an all ranger party work?"
"Depends, how cheesy can we go?"
"All the cheese, the worst of it."
"Even Faerun cheese?"
"..."

"So, I use cunning surge and-"
"No! You belt of battle the door!"
"You know I have an actual class feature and it's not called that, right?"

"So, we reincarnate him, and he comes back as...a half elf."
"...Wait, he was a dwarf right? Can half elves even grow facial hair?"
"Only if it's really bad and they're truenamers."

"I'm sorry to intrude your lovely little diplomatic chat, but I felt it prudent to remind the Druid that you have an 8th level spell like ability and an active transmutation spell on your body. Care to tell us again who you are?"

"Do you know how much filth I dig through for you guys just because I'm the only one that can search? Seriously, the least you guys can do for me is buy me some goggles and decent gloves, I think I got snake gore in my eye..."
"Quit whining and keep searching..."
---
"So, is that room clear of traps or not!"
"...Yes, yes it is entirely clear, go on right ahead."

DSmaster21

2014-03-19, 08:43 AM

DM: He is sitting next to two unarmed orks.
PC1: I level my katana at the nearest one.
DM: Fire springs to his fingers.
PC1: I put my katana away slowly.

DM: The black-helmeted biker slices this guy in half.
PC1: I say we join him, I shoot the other guard.
DM: He gets hit and wipes out. The tank fires and hit? Wow ok, the DH biker explodes.
PC2: This man does not speak for us.

PC3: We should hijack the tank ourselves, I try to hack it. Level 12.
DM: Roll for it. Success. Resist the strain damage.
PC3: 1 hit.
DM: Yeah no, you get a nosebleed and blood starts to pour from your ears.

DM: k, absent PC4's turn. He looks back and sees blood on his seats and, oh, he hits the brakes.
PC1: ****, **** you sir, **** you.

DM: Okay, uh you tilt the bike up and ramp off the trunk.

Braininthejar2

2014-03-19, 10:32 AM

- "Congratulations! You are a psychopath :smalltongue: !"
- "But... I haven't achieved enlightment yet..."

Senshi Akai

2014-03-19, 01:01 PM

Some more I just remembered, while playing a SW campaign:

*PC 1 rolls Perception, fails miserable*
PC 2: How the hell you did not see a starship landing behind you?!
PC 1: I was thinking about turnip soup. I like turnips!

DM: A cruiser aim at [PC 1] area. *rolls* He takes damage and is launched 20 feet west.
PC 1: *shouts to the sky* GODDAMMIT! COULD YOU GUYS UP THERE FOCUS SOMEONE ELSE?
PC 2: Hey, you are the one who decided to tank the damage from a Republic fleet.

PC 1: You know, I never liked the Jedi.
PC 2: You exploded their temple!
PC 1: They took my weapons!

PC 2: Ok, get us out of this planet [droid]!
*rolls for droid, nat 1*
Droid: Sir, I believe we ended up in the middle of a Mandalorian fleet.
PC 1: No worries, I will tank them.

PC 2: Droid, attack them!
DM: It is a repair droid, it just have a circular saw.
PC 2: Use that!
*rolls for PC 2’s droid, nat 20 two times in a row*
DM: The [enemy] dies horrible, screaming as the droid cuts him in half.
PC 1: I wanna buy this droid!

PC 1: You know, she is cute. You should date her.
PC 2: I am a trandoshan, and she is human!
PC 1: That never stopped you before.
PC 2: She tried to kill me!
PC 1: Details.

PC 2: *charging* FOR THE TURNIP SOUP!

PC 2: Wait, let me get this straight. You are trapped in a cloning facility.
PC 1: Yep.
PC 2: Battling nine clones of yourself, single-handed.
PC 1: Uh-uh.
PC 2: And you are WINNING?
PC 1: That’s right.
DM: You know, I think I have to review your character sheet now.

PC 2: Wait, I was supposed to be evil! Why are you more evil than me?

PC 1: Why did you kill your apprentice?
PC 3: He was supposed to block the lightsaber attack!
PC 2: He was disarmed!

PC 1: I am so proud of you, [PC 2]!
PC 2: You know, this comment just gave me the hint I am going too far in the dark side.
DM: I am using PC 1 as a reference of evilness here.

PC 3: Heal check to see if I can cure him.
*rolls nat 1*
DM: You gave him cancer.

PC 1: Why did you shot at me?
Droid: Because he ordered.
PC 2: No, I didn’t!
Droid: Well, someone did!
PC 3: … I think the droid is hallucinating.

DigoDragon

2014-03-19, 01:18 PM

GM: "The enemy druid casts Call Lightning. Since he's confused, I'll roll randomly to see who gets hit."
*The druid's wolf animal companion gets hit. By Every. Single. Bolt.*
Rogue: "What did the wolf do, pee on Yggdrasil?"
GM: *Crumples up the druid's NPC sheet* "...Okay, not doing that again."

Spacebatsy

2014-03-19, 03:46 PM

“Alright, if everybody would just CALM DOWN maybe we can solve this like grown ups who put on their pants themselves this morning”

PC: “ I’ll google “huge claws” to find out what killed my father”
GM: “Seems like Wolverine killed your father”

PC: “Is he dead now?”
GM: “His skull has been crushed”
PC: “Like that’s an excuse”

PC 1: “Well, can you come up with a better explination then werewolves?”
PC2: “Can you come up with a worse explination than werevolves?”

PC: “Can we take this conversation in private?”
Priest: “No-one can hear us my child, except God. And Jesus. And the Holy Spirit. And Paul, the Janitor”

“How did you capture it?”
“With nets. And clubs. And women”
“In that order?”
“In that order.”

“Have you ever been on a hunt?”
“I once ran over a cat, does that count?”

PC: “How did you die?”
Ghost: “I can’t see how that’s any of your business. How did you die?!

“If this continues... you will be stuffed with paper“

GM: “But it gives you the ability to see into the twilight”
PC: “10 XP to watch Twilight? Hell no!”

“It seems like we’re being hunted by ku klux klan in collaboration with heyrobics teams”

Zazax

2014-03-19, 11:35 PM

PC 1: Wait. My wife's a dragon?
PC 2: You didn't know? You've been married to her for 20 years! I'm training one of your kids!
DM: "Don't worry, [DM], I'm a wizard. I don't need ranks in Spot. That's what magic and [PC 2] are for."

PC 1: Genius intellect!
PC 2: Unparalleled strength!
PC 3: Indomitable will!
PC 4: Laser blood!
*PCs 1, 2 and 3 look at 4*

DM as Enemy General: That's all well and good, but I see a bit of a plaw in your flan.
*beat*
*PCs 1 through 4 burst out laughing*
DM: Okay, I guess this means the General now has a speech impediment.

TuggyNE

2014-03-19, 11:54 PM

DM as Enemy General: That's all well and good, but I see a bit of a plaw in your flan.
*beat*
*PCs 1 through 4 burst out laughing*
DM: Okay, I guess this means the General now has a speech impediment.

Spoonerisms under stress? Seems legit!

Sith_Happens

2014-03-20, 12:27 AM

banjo1985

2014-03-20, 06:37 AM

"Wow, I guess he really doesn't like Ready Brek, huh?"

"I never miss with the trout cannon."

The Prince of Cats

2014-03-20, 07:00 AM

PC: I lay out my dining clothes for tomorrow.
DM: What dining clothes?
PC: The ones I bought earlier. Right here on my sheet, I have a "Courtier's Outfit (dining)" that I bought when I went shopping with [NPC]...
DM: Oh... I forgot about that...

"I use my disguise skill to put together a suitable outfit. I have +19 to disguise, but I probably should have just put them in Craft (Fashion Designer) because that's all I seem to use it for..."

(my character is a spy / diplomat, so clothing comes up in our game more than usual...)

Cristo Meyers

2014-03-20, 07:55 AM

"Time to do what I do best."
"Get shot out of your Viper and spend the rest of the time waiting for pickup?"
"I...yes."

DigoDragon

2014-03-20, 08:35 AM

PC 1: Wait. My wife's a dragon?

Heh, that almost happened to a character of mine. Stupid party bard tried hooking me up with someone at the bar (because he loved playing matchmaker) and he used an Elixir of Love to make it happen. Turned out she was a red dragon. And not a gentle one. Thankfully, when the effect ended after I took her back to her place like a real gentleman, she decided not to eat me on the promise we both never speak of this. :smallbiggrin:

Ian: "How's your character concept coming along?"
Henry: "Not bad, but I was seriously considering changing it."
Ian: "Why is that?"
Henry: "I wasn't sure I'd have fun playing a hacker."
Ian: "Bah, who needs fun. Everyone play as burgers!"

Fox: "Mayor Crotty is going to the downtown party. As a gesture of community, the entire OPD is invited too. In uniform."

DM: "So there's a man wearing only two turbans in front of a computer, Googling 'Cumberbund'."

Kesnit

2014-03-20, 03:43 PM

Female PC: I need boxes, and cloth, and men. Lots of men!

DigoDragon

2014-03-20, 08:00 PM

I don't think context would help in a number of these~
- - - - -

Ian: "George Edward Richard Winsor becomes too many names of England."

DM: "Would you like to speak into the mic and introduce yourself?"
Joe: "No."
Henry: "I am Henry Caberley, my profession is primarily in hacking-"
Recording Tech: "Wait! The mic isn't on yet!"
Ian: "What have you been doing?"
Recording Tech: "I've been Number Munching!"

Hugo: "How many dice did you just roll?"
Daphne: "I think he rolled all of them."
Henry: "I have a Perception of 6 dice, plus 6 for the software, 2 for my specialty, 2 more for..."
DM: "His Dice Pool is Olympic sized."

Henry: "Is the suit armed?"
DM: "No, he is not."
Henry: "What about the French Maid?"
Joe: "She's carrying a sausage."
Hugo: "You activated her trap card!"

Hugo: "My butterfly knife is broken. It's not flashy at all." D:
Joe: "It's like a one-legged hunting dog."

Blackwolf: "Just look for the team that knows what they're doing."
DM: "Well that means you all will never find each other."

DM: "The gang drops what they're doing and opens fire. They hit wildly; catching ground, air, and a lamp post."
Henry: "Are you saying one gang member managed to peg a post? Per-post-erous!"
DM: "Ease up dude. The kid has a Post-traumatic stress disorder."

Joe: "I do not dual-wield literature."
Fox: "Give me some Playboy mags and I'll show you how it's done."

Joe: *Critical fail on a search check*
Fox: "What are you looking for?"
Joe: "Butts. Frosted butts."

DM: "Wait, why are we blowing up the Yakuza's limo??"
Joe: "Bad tea."
Blackwolf: "Urban renewal."
Fox: "Pest control."
Hugo: "Deniable Plausibility."

Henry: "Wait, how much did you spend on that painting?"
Mrs. Johnson: *Dr. Evil Voice* "Three Million Nuyen."
Hugo: "And you spent that money on a painting because...?"
Mrs. Johnson: "Because I like American art that's not a white canvas with a red square."

Joe: "Can I make my disguise out of C4?"

Blackwolf: "Can I tell if this painting is a fake?"
DM: "You would need a high Art skill."
Joe: *Critical Success with an untrained Appraise Check* "Why is it signed I. C. Wiener?"

Hugo: "Ha-ha, you have a father."
Blackwolf: "No, he has a dad."
Joe: "I gotta have my pops."

Henry: "The best option will be to do this job without Von Sault knowing we're stealing the art."
Joe: "And that was my plan, but with more fire suppression."

Mr.Sandman

2014-03-21, 09:52 PM

Wizard: I cast Rock to Puppies.
DM: The Goblins focus their attacks on the spawn of their great enemies.

Wizard: Hobo's have the best spells!

Wizard: I cast Cardboard Shelter.
Me: Whats that do?
Wizard: Its like Tiny Hut, except just me and cooler looking.

Fable Wright

2014-03-21, 11:11 PM

Wizard: Hobo's have the best spells!

Wizard: I cast Cardboard Shelter.
Me: Whats that do?
Wizard: Its like Tiny Hut, except just me and cooler looking.

...
I need to steal this.

Codex

2014-03-22, 02:55 AM

"You may experience some side affects."
"The entire lower half of my body is on fire!"
"Yes, that's normally considered a side affect."

"No matter how many times you roll to disbelieve, the Platypus will NOT go away!"

"Look on the bright side: I finally proved that the laws of physics have no place here."

Ninjaxenomorph

2014-03-31, 08:50 AM

Me: Good lord, I've unleashed a new super weapon on the Star Wars galaxy. Huttese scat porn cyber-warfare.
Player: Dark side points?
Me: Dark side points.

DigoDragon

2014-03-31, 10:37 AM

DM: "Ian, you only used up two bullets."
Ian: "Two bullets?"
DM: "No, Bullets."
Ian: "That's what I said."
DM: "Oh... sorry, the mic got in my way."
Henry: "It's sensative you know. You'll hurt it's feelings."
Blackwolf: "Should we buy it tea and crumpets then?"

DM: "What is everyone bringing to this party?"
Joe: "I'll bring my lightfire, and a grenade."
Blackwolf: "No grenades! We're robbing the place, not occupying it."

DM: "The caterers drive by in a huge delivery truck."
Blackwolf: "Hmmm... we could hold many of our operations in that."
Joe: "We're stealing the truck, not occupying it."
Henry: "We'll be occupying it on the trip to the party."
Joe: "...shut up, don't judge me!"

DM: "You're greeted at the rear door by a... um, what's a female butler called, a buttless?"
Team: *Blank stare*
DM: "I'll give you all 2 karma points to ignore that."
Joe: "Done and forgotten!"

Blackwolf: "I've been in the woods so long, I think I won't be talking to anyone."
Hugo: "Ha-ha, you're old... I like the woods."

DM: "You know Ian, you could fit into that Dumb Waiter, and it's not like the Yakuza will be expecting someone to be an idiot and try that..."
Ian: "Well they thought wrong, Cabinet Sanchez!"

Fox: "I try to get the servant girl's phone number."
Hugo: "You know it'll probably be the main number to Von Sault's mansion."
Blackwolf: "Ewww, what if Von Sault picks up?"
DM: "Welcome to the Von Sault rejection hotline..."

DM: "I assumed all shadowrunners have the Infiltration skill."
Ian: "No, I don't have that skill."
DM: "Then roll... Donut plus Willpower..."

Blackwolf: "Well I could tell you about it, or I could tell you to go to hell."
Fox: "Do I get a choice?"

Sophia: "I know what I can do, but my personal life back past a month? I don't know Jack."
Team: "Who's Jack?"
Sophia: *Beat* "I... Don't... Know..."

Fox: "Do you want a gun?"
Sophia: "Why...?"
Fox: "To defend yourself in case someone tries to put a hole in you."
Sophia: "Maybe I can do that by staying away from you."

Daniel: "Knowing too much is dangerous. If I were you, I'd stay stupid."
Joe: "Can do!"

Renaldo: "You will let me through! I am Renaldo, the most important fixer in all of Seattle!"
Ian: "I really can't let you in. Sorry."
Renaldo: "You will let me in or else!"
Joe: *Brings up his assault rifle to bear* "Look, either you turn around and walk away, or I'm going to have to get rough. And to show you how crazy I am, I'm going to take you down without the magazine clip." *Removes the rifle ammo clip and stares and Renaldo with a smile*
Renaldo: "..." *leaves quickly*

Hugo: "Are flamethrowers illegal?"
Fox: "Yes, on any planet!"

DM: "Okay, the two gangers charge on their bikes for you Ian."
Ian: "I'll take the left one down." *Fast draws, called shot-head*
Blackwolf: "Taking a burst shot on the right motorcycle."
DM: *Rolls* "Okay, so the left bike keeps going without his rider and the right ganger keeps going without his bike..."

Zelda: "I'd like to know about the pavillion there."
Hugo: "It's a building."
Zelda: "But what's inside it?"
Hugo: "...It's a building."
Fox: "What, is that building a Russian matryoshka?"
Blackwolf: "Building, building, building, and a guy with a candy bar."

Henry: "Wait, someone just hacked into team chat."
Zelda: "Hello. I'm in your chat, copying your files." :)
Henry: "Oh no you don't! Get outta my commlink!"
Zelda: "Maybe I don't want to?"
Henry: "Don't mess with me, there's nothing you can get away with!"
Zelda: *Rolls eight hits and crashes Henry's commlink and the entire team chat*
Henry: "...s**t on me."

Fox: "It's not a little girl, it's a gundam in disguise!"

Henry: "It's a demonstration. Wuxing military UAVs."
Fox: "With live ammunition?!"
Henry: "Well... they're using nonlethal Gel rounds."
Blackwolf: "In a large machine gun?"
Fox: "That's like giving the ED209 a 50,000 volt tazer and calling it nonlethal!"

Hugo: "Is anyone using the internet irresponsibly?"
Party: *Everyone raises their hand*

Blackwolf: "When I do hear about it, I'll be able to put 2 and 2 together and get 6."
DM: "Wait, 6?"
Blackwolf: "Yeah, more than I want."

Blackwolf: "Hey Joe, did you smoke that peace pipe or did that peace pipe smoke you?"
Hugo: "In Soviet Russia... there is no peace."

Sith_Happens

2014-03-31, 01:12 PM

From two different campaigns, in no particular order:

Tibbit DFA: "But... rat!"
Bard: "But... gruesome death!"

DM: *sigh* "So after about ten minutes you've finally finished electrocuting the shark."
Player: *begins singing Victory Fanfare*

PC 1: "Once again, I feel sorry for whoever's job it was to go in there."
PC 2: "No one had to go in there, there's a magic meat generator."
PC 1: "Yes, and someone had to go in periodically and clean up the meat after the hydra re-generated it."

"The other fish are exfoliating you."

"I may be a bird, but I'm a sophisticated bird."

"I eat the spaghetti seductively."

DM: "The DM's puke rains from the sky."

"So basically you're going to talk economics at him REALLY fast until he thinks it's a good idea."

"I go to the nearest river and jump in. Forever."

PC 1: "I think you know what I mean."
PC 2: "I think I'm a terrible lip-reader."
PC 3: "I think I'm going to stab myself."

PC 1: "Well aren't you an idiot?"
NPC: "Yes, ma'am. I am indeed."
PC 2: "But at least you're confident!"

PC 1: "I'll have a virgin white Russian."
DM: "He hands you a naked, white-skinned human female."
PC 2: "--Who is somehow Russian."
DM: "Yes."
PC 1: "I hand it back. 'I meant milk.'"
DM: "He gives you a glass of milk. It tastes like uranium waste."
PC 1: "I spit it out into his face."
DM: *rolls* "He dodges it."
PC 2: "Unless he's a Rogue then that milk is a cone effect and he only dodges half of it."

DM: "A Marut bursts through the wall."
PC: *holds up orb* "I assume this is the problem?"
Marut: "Yes. Hand it over immediately."

"If I knew you were going to destroy it this quickly I'd have stayed and watched. I didn't think you were this clever."
"Well you should have thought I was cleverer."

DM: "You appear in the middle of the city. A number of people are staring at you curiously. Before long, though, you hear excited squeals of 'Oh my gods, it's [Bard's name]!'"
Ranger: "Oh, great..."

"I don't suppose the Elemental Weird would be interested in the Deck of Many Things?"

PC 1: "I give him some of 'The Good Stuff.'"
PC 2: "--A.k.a. everclear with a hint of sewer water."
DM: "Yes, this is canon now."

"Okay, so first you need to make a DC 14 caster level check. If you fail that, you need to make a Wisdom check to avoid to mishap. It's a DC 5 that fails automatically on a natural 1 or 2, SO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE 10 ON THAT ONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Jay R

2014-03-31, 04:03 PM

"I eat the spaghetti seductively."

OK, I've seen Lady and the Tramp. Are you eating the other end of your companion's strand of spaghetti, or rolling a meatball over to her with your nose?

GPuzzle

2014-03-31, 04:25 PM

You perform pole dance on raw spaghetti when it is still like a stick while eating spaghetti.

Pokonic

2014-04-01, 02:02 AM

"What's that sound of crying and gnashing of teeth? Oh, wait, that's coming from the peasantry outside. Ugg. Someone get me a servant to puke on."

Necroticplague

2014-04-01, 05:35 AM

DM:You know, given those flaws you all toke, you are aware that basically means I can say, at any time, that you start fights, right?
PLAYER1:Yes, but the advantages they buy ensure I survive said combat.
PLAYER2:Really?You bought 'Easy to Kill' more than 50 times.
PLAYER1:In order to buy Unkillable 3 And Supernatural Toughness!
PLAYER3:does anyone else find it really weird those two aren't mutually exclusive with Easy to Kill?

DigoDragon

2014-04-01, 08:01 AM

Hugo: "Can I use Animal Empathy on Sophia to strike up a conversation?"
DM: "No... that skill only works on non-sapient critters. Sophia isn't an animal."
Fox: "She's a catgirl, that's half animal."
Hugo: "See! So I should get half a skill check minimum to try!"
DM: *Facepalm* "Why not try something more classy, like asking her out to dinner and a movie?"
Hugo: "That's too much work. Can I just throw on some Old Spice and ride a horse?"
Fox: "Are you taking the horse out to dinner and a movie?"
DM: "Roll Animal Empathy." :smallamused:
Hugo: "I'd like to abandon this conversation now."

KnotKnormal

2014-04-01, 11:36 AM

"It's amazing what you can learn when you b**** slap corn."

"why are you so obsessed with finding your bowl of popcorn?"
"because I don't know who has it but I can only assume they are using it for evil."

"what do you have to trade?"
"we have a nice tasty gnome here."

"I dip the couch cushion in the pool of blood and proceed to paint the walls."

"I look at the door"
DM: it looks like wood
"I listen to the door"
DM: it sounds like wood
"I sniff the door"
DM: it smells like wood
"I lick the door"
DM: it tastes like wood, you get splinters in your tongue take 1d4 wis damage.
*holding tongue* "I knew it!!!"

"ugh, what happened?"
"well... we touched your hand... and we thought you were an undead thing, so... we kind of snapped your neck... just a little though."
"... what?"
"we killed you"
"so you thought I was a lich or something based on the feel of my hand, so you first thought was to kill me...?"
"...yeah, but we only killed you a little"
"...please leave my office, I'll call you when I figure anything new out."

those are just a few.

Erik Vale

2014-04-01, 05:56 PM

"Plan? The only plan I have is of holding this city long enough to buy the townsfolk the time they need."
"... Then I'm taking out a loan."

"Come get some!"
*Splat*
"Got Some..."

KnotKnormal

2014-04-01, 08:50 PM

In addition to my others.

"hey...hey you... Hey you by the fire... F*** YOU!!!"

KING "did he just compare me to a dog?"
PC1 "he didn't actually say that..."
PC2 "that's wierd, because I distinctly remember saying that.

PC1 "what can we do to earn money?"
PC2 "I can help out at the blacksmith."
PC3 "I'll play music on the street"
PC1 "I''ll sell my spells"
PC4 "I'll go to the brothel then... To earn money this time"

PC1 "I made 100gp what about you 3?"
PC2 "about 60gp"
PC3 "ha... I made almost 500gp"
PC4 "what's are all these really shiny ones?
PC2 "how did you get that many platinum?"
PC4 "why is that good?"

GrayGriffin

2014-04-02, 02:44 AM

OOC CROSSOVER SILLINESS!

Nira Tyr: Also, maybe I haven't been getting enough sleep, but our game does have some parallels to the Yugioh storyline.
It starts out with normal, casual adventures between some friends.
Then things get more and more serious.
ANCIENT MURDEROUS SPIRITS
GODS
Vern Craine: Then ends with trying to save the damn world
Nira Tyr: SUPERNATURAL ARTIFACTS OF IMMENSE POWER
Vern Craine: FEELINGS

Fiona Caldwell: Flint with the Millennium Ring, Anza with the Key, Nira with the Scales...
Gene Rosso: What does Gene have?
Fiona Caldwell: Kyla should get the Eye...Gene and Fiona I'm not sure yet. Leaning towards the Rod for Fiona because she can control people with music and secret evilness now.
Vern Craine: Vern is just Joey in the story lol
Fiona Caldwell: Make that the Necklace for Kyla. I forgot what that one actually did!
Kyla Mystia: xD
Fiona Caldwell: There's the Eye and the Puzzle left and I'm not sure what should go to who.^^"
Kyla Mystia: ALL the Future Sight!
Anza Faraji: Oh yeaah. The key does fit.
Fiona Caldwell: Mhm, it's basically Aura stuffs. Scales are for the Terrakion alignment, Vern could actually get the Ring, which I only set to Flint cause he's like the Bakura of our group. Disappearing and popping back up when there's something to steal. x3

Gene Rosso: Gene has money, so Gene is Kaiba.
Fiona Caldwell: Ooh, that works too.
Nira Tyr: Man, does that mean Nira is Yugi? Since she's someone who got picked on at school a lot until she encountered a supernatural power.

DigoDragon

2014-04-02, 08:22 AM

DM: "If your one-track mind was any more narrow, I could make a laser."

Sophia: "The Drone rack can launch the lynx drone... well, ok, not literally."
Blackwolf: "Drone cat missile!"

Sophia: "Okay, so this Yakuza Thai boxing ring we're going to? It's the deadliest underground arena in Seattle."
Blackwolf: "So they gotta be on the up-and-up to keep face or risk dying?"
Daphne: "Pretty sure the title of 'deadliest underground arena' supersedes that, love."

Blackwolf: "I'm from the wild, I'm used to real food."
Sophia: "What, squirrel on a stick?"

DM: "Roll to decrypt the file."
Henry: *Rolls 12 dice in a cup* "Two successes."
Fox: "Burn the cup."
Henry: *Rolls 12 dice without the cup* "Two successes."
Fox: "Burn the dice."

Joe: "I can finally bring grenades and none of you can say anything! Well, besides 'AHH!' I mean."

Fox: "So do we go in and remove each guard nonlethally?"
Joe: "I think the most nonlethal thing I have is my grenades."
Fox: "The most nonlethal thing you have is your wit."

DM: "Okay, you're looking at a 12-foot chain-link fence..."
Hugo: "A 12-foot fence? I can easily climb that!"
DM: "-Topped with coils of razor-wire."
Hugo: "But I think we'll try some other idea first."

Fox: "Excuse me sir, are you guarding the DocWagon facility we're going to blow up?"
Guard: "Yes. Wait, what?"

Fox: "We're just here to blow up your facility. Don't worry. No really, it's no big deal."

DM: "Okay, so from Blackwolf's shot the guard has to soak 10 damage and...
Dice: *No successes*
DM: "...I see early retirement in his immediate future."

Fox: "If you can dodge a forklift, you can dodge a ball!"
DM: "I'm not even going to bother looking up the damage code for that."

Daphne: "Alright boys, let's blow this popsicle stand so we can go out for drinks."
Henry: "Uh... do you do anything besides drinking?"
Daphne: "Eat, love, and Wolfgang Puck. ...It's a restaurant, I swear."
Ian: "I think we found Joe's cousin."

Blackwolf: "I send Mr. Johnson a success report and then I crash."
Joe: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we left a crater of the place and thpppppppppppppppppppp..."
Mr. Johnson: "Thank you for your 48 page report. However, I think you trailed off somewhere after page 2."

Hugo: "Deep fried Twinkies on a stick. Pork Chop on a stick... why is everything in Seattle served on sticks?"
Blackwolf: "Yuck, leave Twinkies out of this. They make deep-fried lard seem healthy for you."
Fox: "Ohh, I like the idea of porkchops on a stick. I just need to find myself a stick... and some porkchops"

Ian: "So Daphne, is your character voiced by Johnny Depp? Just asking."
Blackwolf: "From her somewhat less than linear style, I "heard" Judy Tenuda."
Daphne: "Oh there's a lot about me that isn't linear."

Hugo: *Patching himself with First-Aid* "Damn Razor wire."
Daphne: "I know! Its like they want to keep people out of their turf."
Hugo: "No. The fence was to stop regular people. The razor wire was just an insult to me."
Sophia: "Well why don't you and Daphne go blow up the place for their insolence? ...oh wait, you did!"
Hugo: "What's with the sarcasm?"
Sophia: "Because my other option was kicking you in the pants."
Joe: "How much to watch you mutlitask?"

Blackwolf: "So the final score is me 1.5, Snipers 0.5."
Ian: "Wait, how did the enemy get half a point?"
Blackwolf: "The second sniper grazed me. Not that he reveled in his brief victory. Also, Sophia opened her spanking account."
Hugo: "There are spanking accounts?" o.O
Blackwolf: "For cheeky little cat-girls, yes."
Ian: "This is news to me as well. What Suntrust branch did Sophia go to open one of those?"
Fox: "It's probably a subsidiary of Saeder-Krupp."
Joe: "I'm sure Sophia has only just begun to cheek."
Sophia: "I CAN HEAR YOU ALL FROM THE KITCHEN YOU KNOW!!" D:<

sengmeng

2014-04-02, 11:16 AM

NPC: I know you'd like to question her, but my niece was recently widowed.
ME: So, she's available?

Reverent-One

2014-04-02, 12:05 PM

DM: Zeal stands up from his meditations, turns to the ocean, and runs screaming into it, the waters parting before him and then closing behind him.
Reginald: Well, ****.

Neli42

2014-04-03, 04:16 AM

(To the bard): Inspire some flippin' courage, you moron!

Barbarian fighter: My waterskin is made from a weasel.

GM: You can't tell what she said. It's hard for her to talk with two tongues in her mouth.

Player: We are now the Order of the Sinister Loons.

DigoDragon

2014-04-03, 01:09 PM

Fox: "Can you regain essence?"
DM: "Technically no. You might through years of gene therepy and cellular-"
Fox: "I'd rather just steal the essence from children."
Blackwolf: "I don't think essence gain works that way."

DM: "Blackwolf, your phone rings."
Blackwolf: "Hello?"
Lydia: "Hoi, you might not know me-"
Fox: "Okay, bye." *click*

Fox: "Thanks to this knowledge skill, I know where to go now."
Ian: "Aren't knowledge skills great?"
Fox: "What do I know, I'm just a-"
Mr. Johnson: "Go back to eating your corn, you American tourist!"
Blackwolf: "Fox, I'll race you there if you're-"
Mr. Johnson: "To the corn?!"

Blackwolf: "Is there any place I can hide to observe the outside?"
Fox: "Yeah, across the street with the other pedos."

Fox: "We can do both plans."
Joe: "We get drunk AND shoot up the place?"
Blackwolf: "Is it Thursday already?"

Daphne: "Well while you boys decide on which plan to run with, I'll be right back." *Player leaves the room*
Blackwolf: "Okay. Wonder what she's up to?"
DM: *Shrugs*
Daphne: *LARP calling on a smart phone* "Hey, you boys want to use the covert plan or the overt plan?"
Fox: "The covert one if possible."
*Sound of some dice rolling over the phone*
Daphne: "DM, 6 hits to take out the power transformer for this city block with my rifle"
DM: "That... okay, so the entire block goes dark."
Blackwolf: "Nice..."
Daphne: "Okay boys, don't just stand there looking pretty." ;)

Fox: "Okay, so the guy in SWAT gear is codenamed Shredder."
Daphne: "He named himself after a kitchen utensil?"

Fox: "My favorite skit was Who's On Food. Err, I mean..."
DM: "What? Who's on Food? What?"

Terrorist : *Firing an assult cannon from within the second floor office*
Joe: *Humming the G.I. Joe theme and lobbing a grenade up into the office window* "Yo, Destro!"
Office: *Explodes with Terrorist in it*

Fox: "Well the war won't last too long since they're almost out of their main source of weapons- roadside cars."

Joe: "You know, somewhere out there is a Johnson that's miffed because his team is bleeding all over their commlink. That thought makes me feel good."
Sophia: "That's... morbid."

Ian: "So, did this mission just get personal for us?"
Blackwolf: "Could be Tango and Cash, could be Thelma and Louise."
Daphne: "Could also be Spies Like Us."

Blackwolf: "Please stop channeling John Adams from 1776."
Sophia: "Well it's a valid 234 year old question!"

Red Fel

2014-04-03, 02:26 PM

Blackwolf: "Please stop channeling John Adams from 1776."
Sophia: "Well it's a valid 234 year old question!"

I have often admired how magnificent your group is. But quoting 1776 in a campaign? I am now in total awe.

Total awe.

sengmeng

2014-04-03, 05:49 PM

ME (mimicking another player's character who is my character's identical twin): Look, I've stupidly bumped my head and knocked myself unconscious, and threw myself into an open grave.

Necroticplague

2014-04-03, 06:31 PM

DM:Stop trying to kill him, what part of 'he won't be killed by anything short of a nuke' don't you guys get?!
Ingrat:Oh, I think I see the problem.Your always the GM aren't you?
DM:Yeah, what's it matter?
Ingrat:You clearly don't speak PC. You may be saying words, but we here different ones.
DM:*Exasperated sigh* What are you guys hearing when I say that?
Yugsloth: 'He can be killed by something in excess of a nuke'.
Chulu:'There is some theoretical amount of firepower that can take him out'
Ingrat:'This dude totally has magic items worth looting off his body.'
Kogath:'This guy is either going to be a spotlight-hog I'll hate or a villain I'll hate. Save time and gut him now.'

KnotKnormal

2014-04-03, 11:11 PM

Gora: Go away, you're annoying.
Garth: you're the annoying one.
Calabor: I swear to god if you to don't stop I'm throwing you in a closet with lube and weapons, and one way or another you'll stop bickering.

Calabor: hmm... so it turns out you 2 are related.
Gora and Garth: What?!?
Calabor: You're brother and sister.
*awkward silence*
Calabor: wait, didn't you to-
Gora and Garth begin vomiting.

Carg: so if your-
[ribbit]
Carg: ...men need any-
[ribbit]
Carg:...thing, feel free to stop by-
[ribbit]
Carg: AND I WILL MURDER YOUR DAMN FROG!!!

[RIBBIT]
[ribbit]
[ribbit]
[RIBBIT]
Carg: why god?
[RIBBIT]
Carg: why did you let her catch a second one?
[ribbit]
Carg:SHUT UP!!!
*silence*
[ribbit]

Sarota: Carg what happened? Are you crying? what's wrong?
Carg: the frogs... they're dead... I killed them all...

DigoDragon

2014-04-04, 12:35 PM

I have often admired how magnificent your group is. But quoting 1776 in a campaign? I am now in total awe.

Total awe.

Thanks! Some of my players have a thing for really obscure classics, so we sometimes get very interesting quotes out of our arguments.

The Fury

2014-04-04, 01:26 PM

"It's tangle-tooth taffy!"

"See, this is why accordions are awesome!"

DigoDragon

2014-04-04, 05:49 PM

Spark: "When Spark gets to Tenn's room, he just leans in a corner."
Sabina: "I'm picturing Spark with a biker jacket, greased head scales, and a jukebox to lean against now."
Spark: *Faceplam* but he has yet to show any skill with the ladies, LOL."
Adepha: "Spark forgot to turn his swag on and woke up not covered in fillies."

Neli42

2014-04-04, 07:50 PM

ME (mimicking another player's character who is my character's identical twin): Look, I've stupidly bumped my head and knocked myself unconscious, and threw myself into an open grave.

:smallamused:

heh heh heh
We're playing twins in our campaign, too, but we're male/female fraternals, so this wouldn't work for us.

PS - Greetings from another Minnesotan!

Neli42

2014-04-04, 07:56 PM

Monk: Your grandfather was drunk half the time.
Fighter: And passed out the other half.
Bard: Yes, yes, he was a great man.

The Prince of Cats

2014-04-05, 07:07 AM

DM: “I am so, so sorry about last night everyone. I feel unclean… But it was very, very funny. Enjoyed it immensely. Next time: let the screaming and running commence.”

DigoDragon

2014-04-05, 08:35 AM

Blackwolf: "Convention time! That time of year the Old Ones drive around in fez hats."
Daphne: "And Honda Fits."

Blackwolf: "Oh goodie, I get to use my explosive rounds."
Daphne: *Imitating Elmo* "How do explosives work? Let's ask a baby."
TV: *Actual baby noises* "Goooo" *Slobber*
Sophia: *Falls out of chair laughing*
Blackwolf: "Works for me."

Blackwolf: "You know, some grenades would be handy about now."
Sophia: "I thought you said you brought your explosives?"
Blackwolf: "Explosive rounds yes, but not grenades."
Daphne: "What, did you not think size mattered?"

Daphne: "I've noticed an inordinate number of working security cameras here."
Blackwolf: "So someone has something to hide."
Daphne: "That or Candid Camera is in town pestering hobos."

Daphne: "Shall we start our decent into madness?"
Blackwolf: "I think we're all already mad."
Daphne: "Well, we could always just make out in the stairwell."
Fox: :D :D :D
Rydia: "No, no we're not."
Fox: :( :( :(

Rydia: *Accidently bends Daphne's crowbar 90 degrees while prying open a door* "Here's your uh... boomerang."
Daphne: "Oh. Gee. Thanks love."

Blackwolf: "Okay, time for a distraction."
Fox: "Who wants to go first?"
Rydia: *Transforms into a wolf and runs under the camera*
Blackwolf: "That'll do."

Rydia: *Is sitting on the injured security chief as a large wolf*
Blackwolf: "Good bad wolf." *pat pat*

Blackwolf: "I'm checking the whiteboard for any info on what this place is used for."
DM: "You learn that this place is a weapons research facility."
Sophia: "Any information in the database on what projects they're working on down here?"
DM: "You see the words Insect and Spirit show up a few times. Often in the same sentence."
Blackwolf: *In Hellboy tone* "Crap."

DM: "A jet-black man, a catgirl, and a blind boxer walker into a bar..."

Blackwolf: "Heaven's Gate travel agency booking!"

DM: "You find an already dead ghoul in the meeting room."
Blackwolf: "Hmm... someone else is here?"
Snowfire: "Maybe it was looking for brains and starved to death?"

Sophia: "I look out the window to see if if anyone is trying to break into this room."
DM: *Hands Sophia a note*
Sophia: *Reads note* "...Gang, how long did we have to complete this mission?"
Blackwolf: "Twenty-four hours."
Sophia: "Okay, 'cause I seriously don't think we'll finish in that time frame."
Outside: *Mob of over 60 ghouls climbing up the office building the team is in*

Sophia: "It's like watching that second Lord of the Rings movie."
Rydia: "Snowfire, toss me! I cannot make the jump myself!"
Snowfire: "Uh... okay."
Rydia: "But don't tell the elf."
Blackwolf: "I heard that!"

Snowfire: "How does this thing work?"
Daphne: "Its a fire-and-forget grenade launcher. Pull that trigger to fire, then forget why you didn't choose a safer profession of work."

Snowfire: *Shoots a grenade into the sniper nest*
Sniper: *Explodes into chunky little bits*
Daphne: "Remember Blackwolf, Always. Bring. Grenades."

Blackwolf: "Are there showers at this facility? Because I don't want to wake up with a craving for flesh. Your family avoids you. Your employers stop calling. It just ruins the rest of your week..."

Zelda: "So... you signed on a dragon to our team?"
Daphne: "Eyup."
Zelda: "Even though the team motto is 'Never deal with a dragon?'"
Daphne: "Eyup."
Zelda: "Can I interview him?"
Blackwolf: "Just remember, Snowfire isn't Dunkelzahn. And he's having a really bad week."
Zelda: "How bad of a week are we talking here?"
Blackwolf: "You'd be very tasty, sweetheart."
Snowfire: "Ewww, do you all realize what all that artificial soy stuff has done to your flavor?"