LGBTAI+ #58 Infinity 2.0: The Darth Arminius Apology Thread

[Jerry]

This thread needs more kittens.



I also have taken a bold pro-kitten stance.

http://dailypicksandflicks.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/love-cat-cute-kitten-with-heart-pattern-fur.jpg

[JusticeZero]

My husband announced that he is going to transition, get HRT and top surgery, wear binders instead of bras until then, and has pondered a name change but hasn't thought of one he likes yet.
This is a big relief, because it is a big improvement over watching him mull around without taking any action in a pit of dysphoria.

[Heliomance]

A year ago today was the first time I felt comfortable sharing a picture without any makeup on. Now I only wear makeup on special occasions. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress, but I actually am. It may not be as fast as I like, but it's gradually happening.

[Asmodean_]

Another cute kitten for yous:

http://i.imgur.com/rD4Dkqq.gif

EDIT: I DUN MESSED UP THAT'S THE WRONG GIF

[GrayGriffin]

It's okay, I'm now imagining a cute kitten doing the aggressive chicken dance and it's even more adorable.

[JetpackJimmy]

I have a bit of a question. It seems like pretty much every trans* person I know kind of "knew" their gender identity before knowing it, and so their journey was kind of coming to terms with it.

I legitimately have no idea what my identity is. Not at all. I feel clear dysphoria, but there's a million things it might be, I've tried to figure it out, had false starts, and nothing seems to fit. Maybe it's just because I'm young and I need to give it more time to settle out from the current chaos that it is, or maybe I'm broken, or actually just cis and very deluded, or something?

Has anyone here had a process anything like this? Apologies if I'm being sort of vague.

[JusticeZero]

I have a bit of a question. It seems like pretty much every trans* person I know kind of "knew" their gender identity before knowing it, and so their journey was kind of coming to terms with it.OK, I'm going to stop you right there.
I did NOT know my gender identity. I just knew I was completely awful at living life like I was supposed to, inexplicably exhausted by a lot of innocuous situations, and had a bunch of really strange privacy twitches.
Then I found out that the issues I had were symptoms of textbook gender dysphoria.. BUT I STILL WASN'T SURE WHAT MY GENDER ACTUALLY WAS. because non-binary is a thing, and all I knew what what I was NOT.
It took some pretty aggressive experimentation and some odd situation with an enby before I could actually get it narrowed down exactly. So do not for an instant think that it is the overwhelming norm for everybody to know what they were from the time they were young. I can identify the clues that WOULD have tipped me off if I had known at the time what I know now stretching far back, but i had NO clue how to interpret them at the time.
Start by just getting everything together. Look for change or a general absence of it. Start digging through all your clues. TRY things. Try out gender-flipped pronouns and terminology for a bit. AT LEAST a month of regularly getting that stuff, because it will likely sound beyond strange the first few times. For me, it took about two weeks, and then the 'new car smell' faded and it was like finally coming home. READ stuff. Talk to people.

[Siosilvar]

I don't really have anything to add to that except "same", but I feel that needs said, so here's a post longer than ten characters saying just that.

[Dire Moose]

OK, I'm going to stop you right there.
I did NOT know my gender identity. I just knew I was completely awful at living life like I was supposed to, inexplicably exhausted by a lot of innocuous situations, and had a bunch of really strange privacy twitches.
Then I found out that the issues I had were symptoms of textbook gender dysphoria.. BUT I STILL WASN'T SURE WHAT MY GENDER ACTUALLY WAS. because non-binary is a thing, and all I knew what what I was NOT.
It took some pretty aggressive experimentation and some odd situation with an enby before I could actually get it narrowed down exactly. So do not for an instant think that it is the overwhelming norm for everybody to know what they were from the time they were young. I can identify the clues that WOULD have tipped me off if I had known at the time what I know now stretching far back, but i had NO clue how to interpret them at the time.
Start by just getting everything together. Look for change or a general absence of it. Start digging through all your clues. TRY things. Try out gender-flipped pronouns and terminology for a bit. AT LEAST a month of regularly getting that stuff, because it will likely sound beyond strange the first few times. For me, it took about two weeks, and then the 'new car smell' faded and it was like finally coming home. READ stuff. Talk to people.

I don't know about that. I tried all of that myself and all it did was make me even more anxious and confused than before.

[Lissou]

I don't even know what my gender is now although I've reached some sort of comfort not really worrying about it, for which I guess I'm pretty lucky.

[Dire Moose]

I don't even know what my gender is now although I've reached some sort of comfort not really worrying about it, for which I guess I'm pretty lucky.

That's exactly what I discovered; I was much happier when I wasn't trying to figure out my gender identity and just living life.

Trying to do things and experimenting with pronouns, clothing, etc. to understand my feelings was just stressing me out and doing nothing good for me. Backing away from all that calmed me down.

As for what my identity is and why I have a male symbol on my profile... I can't really say I "know" for sure that I am male, or that I'm "supposed" to be male. The fact is really inertia; I've been comfortable living as such for most of my life and might as well keep things that way.

[Xihirli]

People are using my new name.

People are using "she" pronouns.

It's... it's incredible. I'm... I love it so much.

[Jormengand]

People are using my new name.

People are using "she" pronouns.

It's... it's incredible. I'm... I love it so much.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. :smallbiggrin:

[Togath]

So I've been female pretty much full time, including going out in public to stores and restaurants and such, and having a wonderful time with no-one judging me oddly at all.:smallbiggrin:
I keep passing for female even when speaking, even despite being pre[any kind of medical transition at all].
Apparently I'm also very confident, according to several friends, which makes me wonder if that might be part of it.
I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.:smallsmile:
http://i.imgur.com/gqPycbW.jpg
Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.

[Xihirli]

Well, probably no one judges you because you're pretty.

[The Succubus]

I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.:smallsmile:

Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.

You might even say....

:smallcool:

....you don't give a hoot.

[Dire Moose]

you might even say....

:smallcool:

....you don't give a hoot.

Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

[Grytorm]

So I've been female pretty much full time, including going out in public to stores and restaurants and such, and having a wonderful time with no-one judging me oddly at all.:smallbiggrin:
I keep passing for female even when speaking, even despite being pre[any kind of medical transition at all].
Apparently I'm also very confident, according to several friends, which makes me wonder if that might be part of it.
I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.:smallsmile:
http://i.imgur.com/gqPycbW.jpg
Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.

Some pictures are better than others, and in that one. You look great. :smallsmile:

[JNAProductions]

So I've been female pretty much full time, including going out in public to stores and restaurants and such, and having a wonderful time with no-one judging me oddly at all.:smallbiggrin:
I keep passing for female even when speaking, even despite being pre[any kind of medical transition at all].
Apparently I'm also very confident, according to several friends, which makes me wonder if that might be part of it.
I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.:smallsmile:
-Snip for data-
Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.

Hey cutie. You look fantastic!

And congratulations on being full-time lady! I hear that's an exhausting job. :P

[Heliomance]

Pride! I went to it! It was amazing fun!

http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5425175/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424356/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424358/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424363/?type=responsive-gallery

[JusticeZero]

I don't even know what my gender is now although I've reached some sort of comfort not really worrying about it, for which I guess I'm pretty lucky.
Yeah, I don't actually think it's necessary to categorize and name so much as to understand it. I don't classify my orientation, since doesn't neatly fall into any specific label, and I'm completely okay with that. My gender has given me enough information to conform within a standard label, and that's fine too. I know enough about the communities near what I am that I can find what I need.

[Simsimillia]

I have a bit of a question. It seems like pretty much every trans* person I know kind of "knew" their gender identity before knowing it, and so their journey was kind of coming to terms with it.

I legitimately have no idea what my identity is. Not at all. I feel clear dysphoria, but there's a million things it might be, I've tried to figure it out, had false starts, and nothing seems to fit. Maybe it's just because I'm young and I need to give it more time to settle out from the current chaos that it is, or maybe I'm broken, or actually just cis and very deluded, or something?

Has anyone here had a process anything like this? Apologies if I'm being sort of vague.

I can only speak for myself and I'm still kinda figuring stuff out myself, well namely how to come out and what to do and stuff.

What "tipped me off" to me knowing I'm female is mostly I think that looking back nine to ten years that in all that time I exclusively played female Characters in Video Games, Roleplaying Games, etc. when it was possible to chose. In the case of Roleplaying Games there was only one exception, which I made as "not to seem weird".
When playing Games where I could only play a male character I took less enjoyment from it. The same basically goes for movies and who I identify with in a movie/TV Show.

[GrayGriffin]

So I've been female pretty much full time, including going out in public to stores and restaurants and such, and having a wonderful time with no-one judging me oddly at all.:smallbiggrin:
I keep passing for female even when speaking, even despite being pre[any kind of medical transition at all].
Apparently I'm also very confident, according to several friends, which makes me wonder if that might be part of it.
I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.:smallsmile:
http://i.imgur.com/gqPycbW.jpg
Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.
That plushie is adorable.

[Thufir]

Pride! I went to it! It was amazing fun!

http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5425175/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424356/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424358/?type=responsive-gallery
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/resources/images/5424363/?type=responsive-gallery

It definitely looks it! I've been meaning to go to my local Pride event for like 3 years now but every year I've had something else on that weekend...

[Icewraith]

I can only speak for myself and I'm still kinda figuring stuff out myself, well namely how to come out and what to do and stuff.

What "tipped me off" to me knowing I'm female is mostly I think that looking back nine to ten years that in all that time I exclusively played female Characters in Video Games, Roleplaying Games, etc. when it was possible to chose. In the case of Roleplaying Games there was only one exception, which I made as "not to seem weird".
When playing Games where I could only play a male character I took less enjoyment from it. The same basically goes for movies and who I identify with in a movie/TV Show.

I was going to point out some things here with regards to art and character models in videogames, but then I realized the difference between "often" and "exclusively". I often, but not exclusively, pick female character models because I either think they're better done or there's something I find objectionable about the male models (like the faces mostly being frozen into some horrible battle rictus, for instance).

(I mean, if you want to talk about unrealistic proportions in video games, I've seen a few women with really impressive figures- maybe not quite video game ridiculous, but close - but I haven't met any men with forearms thicker than their neck.)

In-person roleplaying games I tend to talk in first person and that just doesn't work (in my mind, which is the one that matters when I'm playing the character- more power to you if you can make it work) with playing a female character due to having a deep voice. If I could pull it off I probably would play more female characters just to have some more gender balance at the table.

But yeah, exclusively playing female characters, and diminished enjoyment from playing male characters I can see where that might be more of a signal.

RE: Dysphoria

When it comes to most adverse mental health issues, I think the most illuminating question to answer would be "what are your triggers?" If there are times, places or events that seem to make things worse - even if you can't identify why things are worse, when are they worse?

Also, in trying to figure things out and having false starts, have any of those attempts included a therapist or other medical professional? If no, there's a likely helpful course of action for you right there.

[Dire Moose]

I actually went to a gender therapist myself back in the winter and found she was really able to do very little for me.

I'd had three different people on an online trans support group recommend her as the best in my area, and had high hopes that she'd be able to help me sort things out. Being told by people there and here as well that going to a gender therapist would help me sort things out added to my hopes.

What a disappointment. First off, she was very out of touch with a lot of the cultural specifics (details of different roles I played in video games, etc.) that were causing me confusion and got everything about them wrong when she tried to research them. So no help there.

Second, she gave me a handout showing a very outdated concept of "degrees of being transgender" that included different levels of sexual desire and orientation as indicators of how trans someone was. I'm not sure she believed all of it herself, but she did react with interest and took notes when I mentioned I was bisexual.

Next, she made one major foul-up that affected her perception of me. On the intake form, she had indicted that I should write my legal name and whatever name I preferred to be called. Naturally, I answered accurately that my legal name was James and I preferred to be called Jamie. Jamie was a diminutive form of James that my parents had called me since I was a baby, and because it flowed better with my last name I had kept using it instead of James. She, however, assumed there was only one reason why i would want to go by that name: Jamie was a name that could be female, and since I was there, I must have adopted Jamie to express a female identity. Attempting to correct her didn't really help.

That leads to the major problem with her. She seems to have assumed I must be trans from the beginning. To her, the people she saw tended to be trans already and just needed help transitioning; that was what she was doing. That was confirmed in her view by, in her words "You told me that you wanted to be called Jamie instead of James. That tells me something." What she tried to to with me was to help me accept the inner identity she felt I was trying to express, whereas I didn't want that kind of help. I was really confused about my identity and needed someone who would actually help me figure out what it was. And she was so set on validating my supposed identity and letting me know it was OK to "be who I was" that she didn't realize that was not what I was looking for!

Really, everything that did help me I did not get from her, and like everything else my sessions with her only added to my frustration. To be perfectly honest, I think the recommendations I got about her being "the best in the area" were misguided and the people making them were looking at it from an angle of "Which therapists will sign off on letters for HRT/surgery most quickly and painlessly?"'

In short, don't expect that therapy is necessarily going to help you figure things out. Maybe for some it will, but definitely not in my case.

[Coidzor]

First off, she was very out of touch with a lot of the cultural specifics (details of different roles I played in video games, etc.) that were causing me confusion and got everything about them wrong when she tried to research them. So no help there.

What do you mean by that? Because the first place I went to was her not knowing what an MMORPG was and thus not knowing about DPS, tanks, and healers. Or MOBAs and thus having no idea about feeding or going top, bottom, or middle; or jungling.


To be perfectly honest, I think the recommendations I got about her being "the best in the area" were misguided and the people making them were looking at it from an angle of "Which therapists will sign off on letters for HRT/surgery most quickly and painlessly?"'

Isn't that what is generally meant/desired due to the fear of gatekeeping?

[Dire Moose]

What do you mean by that? Because the first place I went to was her not knowing what an MMORPG was and thus not knowing about DPS, tanks, and healers. Or MOBAs and thus having no idea about feeding or going top, bottom, or middle; or jungling.
Namely, the fact that I identified very strongly with Link to the point where trying to play Zelda and trying to maintain my attempt at identifying as female at the same time was causing me almost physical pain. That may sound silly, but that was causing me a lot of conflict and she couldn't help because she had no idea what I was talking about or how to advise me there.


Isn't that what is generally meant/desired due to the fear of gatekeeping?
I specifically asked for someone who could actually help me figure out what my cross-gender fantasies and desires really meant, not someone who would just give me permission for something I wasn't sure I even wanted. I did ask for someone who wouldn't oppose me if I decided that was what I needed, but that wasn't my primary concern.

[JusticeZero]

In-person roleplaying games I tend to talk in first person and that just doesn't work (in my mind, which is the one that matters when I'm playing the character- more power to you if you can make it work) with playing a female character due to having a deep voice. If I could pull it off I probably would play more female characters just to have some more gender balance at the table..
There are a couple voice changers available online. At least one has a free no-frills version.
I didn't use one because I was afraid the settings would slip or background noise would get changed and clock me. I don't know if that's actually a real worry, but it was more than a little bit paralyzing. If you are actually transitioning, it's better to adjust your actual voice because you want to be you EVERYWHERE, not just as a disembodied ghost on Teamspeak. Which is how I felt like I was for a decade or two.
But, if you are just trying to get a more in character voice and you aren't trying to present your player as female, they should be more than sufficient. I tried one out and it made my voice into.. pretty close to where it is right now actually. Just remember to keep the delay turned way up or it won't change it very well.

[Togath]

That plushie is adorable.
I put it with a matching fox one by my PC~:smallredface:

[Icewraith]

There are a couple voice changers available online. At least one has a free no-frills version.
I didn't use one because I was afraid the settings would slip or background noise would get changed and clock me. I don't know if that's actually a real worry, but it was more than a little bit paralyzing. If you are actually transitioning, it's better to adjust your actual voice because you want to be you EVERYWHERE, not just as a disembodied ghost on Teamspeak. Which is how I felt like I was for a decade or two.
But, if you are just trying to get a more in character voice and you aren't trying to present your player as female, they should be more than sufficient. I tried one out and it made my voice into.. pretty close to where it is right now actually. Just remember to keep the delay turned way up or it won't change it very well.

Your answer confused me until I realized I hadn't been clear that in-person tabletop roleplaying is 100% of the actual roleplaying I do for the foreseeable future. I play WoW, but that's not the same thing at all. Even if I used some kind of personal voice changer, people are literally sitting in the same room as me so they'd just hear both voices, which would probably be worse and distracting. Plus I'd need something with a screen to run a client-based program, which I try to avoid so I don't start checking internet things out of habit and tune out of the game.

I did do messenger-based RPGing for a bit way back when and played a female character one time with a new group. She was promptly sexually harrassed and stalked in character by one of the other pcs.

[Asmodean_]

--snipped for length--

This entire post made me think of this image
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KzOtz-8coJU/Uga2fN7SNmI/AAAAAAAAKI4/6QXtU2oXcJ4/s1600/ADTWO21.png



I did do messenger-based RPGing for a bit way back when and played a female character one time with a new group. She was promptly sexually harrassed and stalked in character by one of the other pcs.
These are the people that give gamers a bad name, when really any group is X℅ *******. Hope you haven't had to deal with that one anywhere else.

[Dire Moose]

Oh, I was too self-absorbed to say this earlier, but better late than never I suppose.

Togath: You look quite pretty; keep up the good work :)

Heliomance: Looks like you had fun; I've only been to one real Pride event myself but I'd have to agree those are great.

[Yabvi]

Hmm, for me, I am a dude and occasionally a dudette but I do see myself as a guy pretty much 100%.

For my sexuality I'm gay, I probably first discovered I liked men years ago when I was very young so I had an idea that I liked guys much earlier than most people usually do.

[Lentrax]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

[noparlpf]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I have not personally tried any, but I've heard enough stories online of people giving themselves chemical burns that I don't think I'd recommend it. Granted, relatively mild chemical burns, but still.

[Coidzor]

One thing to remember is that such things are generally for specific areas of the body based upon their formulation and bad things happen when used in other areas.

Another is that how sensitive your skin is, especially to chemicals, matters a lot in terms of how leery you should be.

Also, test in a small area first. That way you only burn a small portion of yourself if you have a bad reaction.

[golentan]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I tried them. They worked well, until some little bits got smeared where it wasn't supposed to by accident and then, as mentioned, chemical burns. On some... very sensitive areas.

Upshot, my legs were super smooth as intended. Just at the cost of being unable to sit down for a couple days.

[Heliomance]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I tried them for a bit. They were a faff, they stunk, and they don't last any longer than shaving. Decided they weren't worth the effort and expense.

ION, my referral letter for surgery came through at last yesterday! Now I've just got another unknown amount of waiting to do.

[Dire Moose]

I tried them for a bit. They were a faff, they stunk, and they don't last any longer than shaving. Decided they weren't worth the effort and expense.

ION, my referral letter for surgery came through at last yesterday! Now I've just got another unknown amount of waiting to do.

Great to hear you're making progress. :smallsmile:

[Lentrax]

Alright, well thanks for helping avoid a probable bad idea.

[golentan]

I kinda wish I had a way to give a covert thumbs up to people who ping on my queerdar without outing them or making them uncomfortable.

Instead... I find myself looking at people and going "Kindred Spirit! Oh god, don't stare, you'll make them uncomfortable. But don't not look at them, they might think I pegged them and am disapproving. GAAAAAAH!"

In other news, I continue to be socially awkward and like looking at cute girls, boys, and others.

[YossarianLives]

My mother tried to hide my hormones from me today. I convinced her to give them back pretty quickly, but it... still wasn't pleasant.
That's horrible, but at the same time just... So petty and immature. I'm sorry.

[Lentrax]

My mother tried to hide my hormones from me today. I convinced her to give them back pretty quickly, but it... still wasn't pleasant.

Gods honey. If I could get you out of there I would.

[Astrella]

That is so so abusive, hiding someone's medication. Not to mention probably illegal.

[lio45]

Not to mention probably illegal.

Probably not, if that item is readily accessible in her house and the complainer is merely a non-paying "guest" there.

Is your mom aware of all your anxiety issues, Denmark breakup, etc.? Maybe sharing some of that would help make her more supportive or at the very least kinder/gentler. Just throwing the idea out there.

[Asmodean_]

Wow that's whole new levels of petty. But think of it this way. She's much older than you, and has had much more experience than you. She'd know the most effective way to push her views on you. And if it's that, then it's clear she's fighting a losing battle.

[Illven]

Probably not, if that item is readily accessible in her house and the complainer is merely a non-paying "guest" there.


I would hope in general medications would be illegal to hide. I mean withdrawal alone from some of them.

[Asmodean_]

So I accidentally came out to my friends today...

We were doing Jekyll and Hyde in English class and one of my classmates thought I was an appropriate Hyde for one of my friends.

"It actually makes sense. He's tall, I'm not as tall. He has ironclad morals, I emphatically don't, he's (pre-scrubbed for your convenience), I'm bisexual--"

"you're what"

I swear I'm a living Seinfeld episode or something.

[Ravens_cry]

I was out today, girled up but for foundation, and I think a guy was flirting with me. I don't know, but he just came up and talked to me, mostly small talk about how long I've lived in the area, but still. I honestly don't know, but my upbringing gives me no tools for how to deal with this.

[Xihirli]

Today was my first birthday as a girl and the GSA sang me "happy birthday" and they used my chosen name and it was beautiful.

[JusticeZero]

my upbringing gives me no tools for how to deal with this.
Well, what did you want to accomplish with dealing with it? that's sort've the starting point.. :)

[Grytorm]

I'm up in Seattle for a few days by myself. Brought my skirt up to wear but forgot my earrings and lipstick. Started to think about how little I've done in the last 2 years. And that stupid unresolved uncertainty. Now I go sleep.

[ArlEammon]

I"m at a major crossroads in my life, please PM me if you want to counsel a grief stricken guy who doesn't want to go looney

[Heliomance]

Just had a letter from the hospital about surgery. 10-12 month wait to get an outpatients appointment, then another 2-6 months after that for surgery. I've spent a chunk of this evening weeping - it's just taking so long.

[noparlpf]

That's nuts. I'm sorry, Helio.

[EternalMelon]

Went to my first LGBTA+ Meetup! And my second! I was super shy during the first meeting but I went out all done up for the second and made friends! Friends that were fine with my awkward shyness! Also left my house done up today, so that's liberating, and scary.

EDIT: Now my brains going back over the whole event trying to pick it apart and show me how awkward and terrible I was. But I aint havin' none of that ****.

[Serpentine]

Watching a Korean movie called Man On High Heels right now. It's a gangster action movie, where the hero is also a trans woman secretly going through transition.
It's really interesting so far. A bit of a mixed bag between extremely problematic and, I think, quite well done. Like, I'm pretty sure (though I don't really know) all the trans characters are played by cis people, albeit some by men and some by women; and at one point a doctor tells the main character to avoid doing things to "act like a man", like swearing or drinking, because otherwise the hormones won't work. On the other hand, the main character is a huge badass, and it seems to be fairly sensitive to how hard the process can be. I think that if you like the idea of an action-drama movie with a trans protagonist, and you won't find the problematic stuff too upsetting, it might be worth having a look.

[Delusion]

swearing[/B] or drinking, because otherwise the hormones won't work.

So thats why my boobs are still so tiny.

[Serpentine]

So thats why my boobs are still so tiny.Literally the context in the movie.
*doctor pokes at main characters chest*
"I hope you're not still lifting weights. We should be seeing more results by now."
*goes into long list of all the manly things the main character should stop doing that will interfere with the hormones*

[Lentrax]

Well, s***. I guess I'd better cancel my usual weekend of Arnie movies, cigar smoking, and binge drinking.*

* Lentrax does not actually drink or smoke. And she only occasionally watches Arnie movies.

[Lissou]

Plus I'd think that working out your pecs may help a little bit if what you want if for your breasts to be more visible. I know some women who've had success with it, and it's true they weren't trans but for a trans woman who is taking hormones I don't expect the situation would be different. As I understand, hormones are the big reason why muscles develop differently on people who were AMAB vs AFAB, and once you're taking hormones you're fine.

[noparlpf]

I don't know anything about breasts, but I'd assume it'd look more prominent if the thing it's on top of is bigger?

[Lissou]

I don't know anything about breasts, but I'd assume it'd look more prominent if the thing it's on top of is bigger?

Right. That's what I meant. So the whole thing makes even less sense to me than the "don't swear", which is just silly but won't change anything one way or the other.

[Dire Moose]

Great to hear things are going so well for you, Xihirli and EternalMelon. :smallsmile:

Heliomance, I'm sorry they're making you wait so long. :smallfrown:

Ravens_cry: Maybe respond if you like the guy, ignore it if not?

Also, remember when I posted this?


One good thing coming up for me in the near future I should mention.

Back when I was having a major crisis about my gender identity last fall/winter, I talked to a lot of people in order to help try to make sense of myself. Most of them were unable to help me resolve it despite having dealt with it a lot themselves, including a professional gender therapist.

Finally, one trans woman who had been talking with me on this one IRC (which ravens_cry is also a member of) was able to calm me down like nobody else really could, and really spent some time with me helping work things out and put them in perspective. We've remained close friends after that, and she was also with me through losing my job and my girlfriend last summer, where she was able to help lift me out of that.

As it turns out, she's having her SRS done in late October right here in the Phoenix area, where she'll be staying for almost a month. We're both looking forward to finally meeting in person. :)

Well, we've continued talking over Skype about various things every day since then, and have become very close to each other, more so than anyone else either of us have met before. At this point, we've mutually decided to take the next step and she's my girlfriend now. We both love each other and look forward to the future, and even though we live far away, her living situation was always a temporary one while she cleared up a few things, so she will be moving to Phoenix in about a year's time or so. In the meantime, we've arranged to visit each other several times over the next year. :smallbiggrin:

[Lentrax]

Great to hear things are going so well for you, Xihirli and EternalMelon. :smallsmile:

Heliomance, I'm sorry they're making you wait so long. :smallfrown:

Ravens_cry: Maybe respond if you like the guy, ignore it if not?

Also, remember when I posted this?



Well, we've continued talking over Skype about various things every day since then, and have become very close to each other, more so than anyone else either of us have met before. At this point, we've mutually decided to take the next step and she's my girlfriend now. We both love each other and look forward to the future, and even though we live far away, her living situation was always a temporary one while she cleared up a few things, so she will be moving to Phoenix in about a year's time or so. In the meantime, we've arranged to visit each other several times over the next year. :smallbiggrin:

*hugs*

Congrats on taking that step. It's a big one and you both deserve it. I wish for nothing but happy times for both of you.

[Xihirli]

Other thing: I have now built up enough estrogen to have cramps.

Mixed feelings.

Namely, they are "YAAAAAAY" and "OWWWWWW."

[Comrade]

Well, we've continued talking over Skype about various things every day since then, and have become very close to each other, more so than anyone else either of us have met before. At this point, we've mutually decided to take the next step and she's my girlfriend now. We both love each other and look forward to the future, and even though we live far away, her living situation was always a temporary one while she cleared up a few things, so she will be moving to Phoenix in about a year's time or so. In the meantime, we've arranged to visit each other several times over the next year. :smallbiggrin:

That's great to hear, Dire Moose. Glad things are going well for you.

[Jormengand]

Other thing: I have now built up enough estrogen to have cramps.

Mixed feelings.

Namely, they are "YAAAAAAY" and "OWWWWWW."

Ugh, yes, this is familiar. All the hugs, if you want them.

[Xihirli]

Hugs are nice most of the time.

[Lissou]

Are those cramps in the lower abdominal area, or something completely different? Either way, congrats and commiseration :)

[Heliomance]

Other thing: I have now built up enough estrogen to have cramps.

Mixed feelings.

Namely, they are "YAAAAAAY" and "OWWWWWW."

I had cramps some months ago, looked into the matter, and discovered that actually "period" cramps in trans women aren't a thing. Mine were due to trapped wind!

We don't have a uterus to tear itself apart, so your cramps almost certainly aren't to do with the oestrogen. Sorry!

[Jormengand]

I had cramps some months ago, looked into the matter, and discovered that actually "period" cramps in trans women aren't a thing.

This is odd, because mine have been pretty regularly on the expected cycle multiple times in a row. Either I'm weird and my body is massively overreacting to what it thinks should be happening (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocebo), or it's just a massive coincidence.

[Serpentine]

I had cramps some months ago, looked into the matter, and discovered that actually "period" cramps in trans women aren't a thing. Mine were due to trapped wind!

We don't have a uterus to tear itself apart, so your cramps almost certainly aren't to do with the oestrogen. Sorry!
I've been wondering about that, since it seems to be fairly common among trans women I know. I figured that since the "spoot out all the stuff" hormone also works to the same effect on the poopchute it must still have an effect in the absence of a uterus. I wonder what's going on there.

[Astrella]

Well the estrogen I take (estradiolvalerate) does list cramps as a side effect and do have cramps once a while so I don't think it's unusual.

[Iethloc]

I haven't had any cramps, but my migraines, which used to be very regular (once a month I get several in a row over a few days, and I've already heard the obvious comparison), have become much more irregular. They're also less severe, which is unusual considering I've heard a lot of times that feminizing HRT can cause migraines or make them worse.


A little over a month ago, I decided when I was going to go full time: my birthday, December 4th. As it draws closer, I've been getting more and more nervous about it. I've been nervous about whether I'll lose enough weight before then, if my face will change enough before then, about how strangers will react to a 6ft woman with broad shoulders, and a lot more. It's been getting bad the past couple of days.

I have a couple appointments today. The distraction should help.

[Lappy9001]

So, I'm not really a regular around the thread but I'm interested in being a private consultant for people who need help. If I'm able and you guys are looking for people to fill that role.


A little over a month ago, I decided when I was going to go full time: my birthday, December 4th. As it draws closer, I've been getting more and more nervous about it. I've been nervous about whether I'll lose enough weight before then, if my face will change enough before then, about how strangers will react to a 6ft woman with broad shoulders, and a lot more. It's been getting bad the past couple of days.

I have a couple appointments today. The distraction should help.Good for you! :smallbiggrin:

The first time I went 'out' in public was simultaneously one of the most frightening and liberating experiences of my life. The best advice I can give is that if people are looking at you, assume it's because you look gorgeous unless they give you reason to believe otherwise :smallwink:

One thing I've noticed about being a trans woman is that I've gotten really perceptive to other people's eyes on me, but don't let it get you anxious or it'll drive you crazy. I've been really startled at how much confidence I've gained since transitioning and I've been continually pleasantly surprised at people's reactions. I will say that if you're already on HRT, you might get outed by your appearance before you're ready. I've been on it for about 9 weeks and I've already had some people note that my face has changed slightly. There's also the chance that you're inclined to being on the busty side which might cause breast development to happen relatively quickly. Of course, everyone is different but it's something to be aware of.

Also, I"m 6'3" and love heels if that makes you feel any better about your height :smallbiggrin:

[Xihirli]

Are those cramps in the lower abdominal area, or something completely different? Either way, congrats and commiseration :)

Thank you!

[Iethloc]

I will say that if you're already on HRT, you might get outed by your appearance before you're ready. I've been on it for about 9 weeks and I've already had some people note that my face has changed slightly. There's also the chance that you're inclined to being on the busty side which might cause breast development to happen relatively quickly. Of course, everyone is different but it's something to be aware of.

I've actually been on HRT for just over 5 months now, and my face has changed a whole lot, partly thanks to me shaving all of my facial hair now. Strangers still gender me male. It's surprised me how much that can hurt, even though I haven't made any attempt to present as female.

As for breast development, I'm pretty sure I'm so inclined, and I'm happy with what's happened so far. They definitely won't be a hindrance when the time comes.


Also, I"m 6'3" and love heels if that makes you feel any better about your height :smallbiggrin:

It does, actually. I don't stress over my height very often, but it just makes stuff worse when I do since I can't change it. I don't think I'll be wearing heels much, though. :smalltongue:

[Lappy9001]

I've actually been on HRT for just over 5 months now, and my face has changed a whole lot, partly thanks to me shaving all of my facial hair now. Strangers still gender me male. It's surprised me how much that can hurt, even though I haven't made any attempt to present as female.Yeah, it stings, especially when I do present female (which is most of the time). Even unintentional misgendering hurts (like 'man', 'dude', 'guys', etc) even I know that wasn't the intent. It's caused me to get better myself about saying stuff like that.


It does, actually. I don't stress over my height very often, but it just makes stuff worse when I do since I can't change it. I don't think I'll be wearing heels much, though. :smalltongue:But they're so comfortable :smallbiggrin:

But I might be an oddball there since I've taken to wearing heels like a duck takes to water.

[Astrella]

Dating other trans people is always an option since there's a bigger chance they'd be okay with dating someone trans, but like, just focusing on your transition for now is fine too of course. I personally wouldn't fret about it too much right now especially since your break up is still fairly recent and just take things as they go?

[Iethloc]

So a couple months ago, I contacted a local clinic that does a lot of voice therapy, including classes for trans women. They said they didn't have any classes available until October.

I half-expected to be forgotten since it was so long ago, but I got a surprise call from them just the other day. I have an appointment on Tuesday, and after that I should be able to start voice training! I'm hoping it goes smoothly. I had a talent for voices when I was little, though I never really went for more feminine ones.

[ArlEammon]

I'm in Arizona preparing for a special art's project at a University. . . I will be taking data and I need to PM in order to talk about it.

[Eldest]

I think your inbox is full good sir.

[ArlEammon]

It's done.

[Eldest]

Anybody got any good sources for why the terrible restrictions on HRT came about? My mother is making noise about it, because of course she is.

[JusticeZero]

The ones that are largely gone in the WPATH 7th Ed.? No idea, but I am sure a huge helping of transphobia and the fact that whatever was written as a policy was carried out everywhere was involved.
These days, it's by informed consent. Strictly speaking, by current standards you can go to your GP and just ask for it as long as you talk over the side effects first and seem like you are able to make informed decisions. Most require some sort of evaluation first. There's still a bunch of holdouts still using 6E and earlier that required various sadistic and cruel barriers.

[Lappy9001]

The only restriction in my state is that many doctors require a letter from a psychologist/therapist. My doctor is great and didn't even require that. I found him through a local transgender healthcare group.

[Astrella]

Anybody got any good sources for why the terrible restrictions on HRT came about? My mother is making noise about it, because of course she is.

Whipping Girl by Julia Serano has a history about it iirc. (is a good book, just a bit outdated.) I'll try and see if I can find some online stuff.

[Lappy9001]

So I'm very excited to announce that I've officially been on HRT for 2 months and out as transgender for 5 months. If it's alright, I'd like to share a picture of me 5 months ago, and a picture taken just the other day to commemorate this special occasion :smallbiggrin:

http://i729.photobucket.com/albums/ww294/Lappy9000/14556547_10154081351016902_6847341810164993875_o_1 .jpg

[Irish Musician]

Wow Lappy, looking great! Congrats. Love both the shirt from 5 months ago, and the dress ensemble you got going there.



Hope everyone else is well, and doing good. Lots of love and puppies and kitties and hugs all around.

[Lissou]

Looking great, Lappy! Happy monthiversary!

[Heliomance]

So, my mother and my sisters go red and blotchy in the face whenever they drink alcohol. My father and brother don't, and I never used to. Since I've been on hormones, I now also go red and blotchy when I drink. It's thoroughly bizarre, and very annoying.

[Miraqariftsky]

@Iethloc:
Alright, sounds great, pretty lady. Best wishes to ye and keep up the good work.

@Lappy:
Gorgeous, girl! Keep on rockin'.

Also...
...hell yeah for tall ladies and burgeoning bosoms.

Koff. Ahem.

@Heliomance:
Sorrytahear...
...though, I suppose that's part of the package, now that you're one of your clan's daughters, eh?

@Comrade:
GLAD FER YE. Beautiful!

@Everybodyyyyy:

HALLO, once again, comrades queer. Best wishes to y'all. Cyber-coffees and teas to those who want 'em, hugs to those who need 'em.

How've y'all been?

Sorry been away. Dealing with family stuff, depression, dysphoria, work-crap and floods. Also, bullets. But hey, I ain't dead yet. WOO, hell yeah.

Chiming in with my two coppers regarding the groping issue that's arisen in the wake of Trump-related troubles... (and yes, I'm aware that this isn't AS bad as many other incidents out there, but a crime is still a crime, right?)
...It was while I was on my way to school, in a jam-packed jeepney, crowded with commuters, on a bumpy road with a crappy driver, during heavy traffic. Some passengers got off, replaced by another cavalcade of commuters. This time, a bunch of giggling girls in school uniforms. W'elp, nothing out of the ordinary. More passengers boarded, vehicle got cramped again. I felt a person take the seat next to me, but ignored my defensive instincts, because hey, mass transit vehicle. I started feeling something on my back and side, but dismissed it as simply commuters jostling against each other because of traffic. And then I felt it more, and more forcefully. As well as some touches going down. Surprised and mortified. Used my phone's reflection, and then a surreptitious glance at the driver's mirror to check to confirm. Why was I checking covertly? Who knows if they were members of a gang? Wouldn't do to unwittingly provoke gangbangers. I looked a third time, this time with my Model Ones-Mark Ones. By this time, she was practically humping and rubbing all over my back. Much to the enjoyment of her tittering and smirking crew. I wanted to get out of there, but I didn't want to leave without doing anything. I took a page from my notebook, wrote "Miss. Appreciated but HELL NO. I am LOYAL to my BELOVED. And HE AIN"T YOU."
And just like that, I debarked and walked away...
...while mid-trip. Missed class that day. The rattlement only set in later in the day.
And yes, I was in boy mode during that incident.

[super dark33]

Heyy heres one for all the bi folk who enjoy the benefits of having double the chances of having their heart broken per second. Or thats just me.

Anyway im getting frustrated with everything and almost outed myself several times last week so im kinda distressed.

[golentan]

@Iethloc:
Alright, sounds great, pretty lady. Best wishes to ye and keep up the good work.

@Lappy:
Gorgeous, girl! Keep on rockin'.

Also...
...hell yeah for tall ladies and burgeoning bosoms.

Koff. Ahem.

@Heliomance:
Sorrytahear...
...though, I suppose that's part of the package, now that you're one of your clan's daughters, eh?

@Comrade:
GLAD FER YE. Beautiful!

@Everybodyyyyy:

HALLO, once again, comrades queer. Best wishes to y'all. Cyber-coffees and teas to those who want 'em, hugs to those who need 'em.

How've y'all been?

Sorry been away. Dealing with family stuff, depression, dysphoria, work-crap and floods. Also, bullets. But hey, I ain't dead yet. WOO, hell yeah.

Chiming in with my two coppers regarding the groping issue that's arisen in the wake of Trump-related troubles... (and yes, I'm aware that this isn't AS bad as many other incidents out there, but a crime is still a crime, right?)
...It was while I was on my way to school, in a jam-packed jeepney, crowded with commuters, on a bumpy road with a crappy driver, during heavy traffic. Some passengers got off, replaced by another cavalcade of commuters. This time, a bunch of giggling girls in school uniforms. W'elp, nothing out of the ordinary. More passengers boarded, vehicle got cramped again. I felt a person take the seat next to me, but ignored my defensive instincts, because hey, mass transit vehicle. I started feeling something on my back and side, but dismissed it as simply commuters jostling against each other because of traffic. And then I felt it more, and more forcefully. As well as some touches going down. Surprised and mortified. Used my phone's reflection, and then a surreptitious glance at the driver's mirror to check to confirm. Why was I checking covertly? Who knows if they were members of a gang? Wouldn't do to unwittingly provoke gangbangers. I looked a third time, this time with my Model Ones-Mark Ones. By this time, she was practically humping and rubbing all over my back. Much to the enjoyment of her tittering and smirking crew. I wanted to get out of there, but I didn't want to leave without doing anything. I took a page from my notebook, wrote "Miss. Appreciated but HELL NO. I am LOYAL to my BELOVED. And HE AIN"T YOU."
And just like that, I debarked and walked away...
...while mid-trip. Missed class that day. The rattlement only set in later in the day.
And yes, I was in boy mode during that incident.

Sorry you went through that, dearest.

[Eldest]

So, my mother and my sisters go red and blotchy in the face whenever they drink alcohol. My father and brother don't, and I never used to. Since I've been on hormones, I now also go red and blotchy when I drink. It's thoroughly bizarre, and very annoying.

My mother bruises like mad, my dad doesnt, and I used to avoid it. But now I've still got a bruise from a blood draw 2 weeks ago.

[Astrella]

People with primary estrogen tend to have thinner skin than people with primary testosterone, so bruises and I imagine redness and such happen more easily.

[JusticeZero]

I am now completely out at work, at least in my department and administration. I also just moved, am marveled at how much more effective I am at life now that I have a bit of estrogen in my system, and really feel a lot depressed that I can't get a couple of decades of my life back.

[lylsyly]

and really feel a lot depressed that I can't get a couple of decades of my life back.

Never ever backwards, always Forward unto Tomorrow! The time/energy spent looking backwards shall serve you better improving the future.

This is just about the only thing keeping me sane (along with a healthy dose of D&D).

CHIN UP gentlebeing!

[noparlpf]

Apparently it's Asexuality Awareness Week. (I was aware of it last week though...)

[Black Socks]

Apparently it's Asexuality Awareness Week. (I was aware of it last week though...)
I believe the primary purpose of an 'awareness week' is to make more people aware of whatever the week is about, rather than reinforcing the awareness of those already aware.
....and I just realized I took a joke way too seriously. Again.

[JusticeZero]

For reasons that everyone is likely very aware of and which I have NO desire to discuss, I am a bit terrified to continue my life as it presently is. Seriously, please don't talk about it.

I might have some ways of getting out of range of the probable problems, and I am looking into them tomorrow.

I need hugs and crossed fingers, if anyone can spare them. I feel a little bit starved for hugs right now. Hugs are good. Not optimism though. All the people who were blocking me from the things I needed were using optimistic, nonspecific assertions of positive progress to prevent me from bypassing them, so it puts me on edge now.

If anyone knows much about name changes and passports in the US, maybe a PM. We know how to acquire them, but not the fastest way to get both or if it can be done from a long way away.

[Serpentine]

I'm thinking of you all. Please stay safe and look after yourselves and each other.

[Ninja_Prawn]

I need hugs and crossed fingers, if anyone can spare them.

Hugs from the UK! My heart goes out to you guys. :smallfrown:

[Togath]

So given today's "events", I'm mildly afraid of my own safety for the first time.
Hugs would be appreciated while I try to absorb stuff.
I know logically, big changes aren't likely to occur quickly. I just need to get my confidence back enough to not break down and plan out what to do in case things do go south.

[Lycunadari]

Lots of hugs for all of you. Let's hope things wont turn out quite as dire as it seems now.

https://66.media.tumblr.com/7e60e51bb2a8bc68925963d2927f06c4/tumblr_n7b27aCgwr1tpzcdco1_500.gif

[Eldest]

Much love to my fellow us residents. Everything will be okay.

[Psyren]

As a silver lining to... things, trans rights should improve where I live! That message at least was received loud and clear.

[Irish Musician]

I love you all. :smalleek: I'm so sorry about.....things, and I love you all. I don't know what else to say or do but wrap everyone up in a giant blanket and throw all 5 of my cats in there with you for snuggles. :smallfrown:

I love my LGBTAI+ family and there isn't anything in this world that will change that or lessen that.

@Psyren - as silver linings so, that's a very nice one. I am very happy for you! :smallsmile:

[The Succubus]

My usual finesse with words has let me down today. Remember that you have one another and nothing can take that away. There are still people outside the family that care a great deal for you. You are not alone.

[Errant_Polearm]

Fear me, for I am the bringer of "recent events."

Firstly, quell your fears. People such as myself are no more likely to wish you ill today than we were two days ago, than we were about the time of "Love Wins", than the days we were born. To be blunt, if even a small number of us were such brutes as you have built up in your minds, why are you still alive? Especially from about the time of "Love Wins", when so many were crowing and strutting around openly.

This leads to my second point: what lead you to think so ill of your fellow man? Here, "Love Wins", "No Hate", etc are telling; you all are pro-love (and the only definition of "love" at that, it seems) and all that is good, people are opposed to you, so it follows then that those others must be pro-hate and for all that is evil. Can you not see how absurd this is?

Concluding, I have some unsolicited advice: If you don't want to be seen as a paranoid delusional, stop acting like one.

[Psyren]

Firstly, quell your fears. People such as myself are no more likely to wish you ill today than we were two days ago, than we were about the time of "Love Wins", than the days we were born. To be blunt, if even a small number of us were such brutes as you have built up in your minds, why are you still alive? Especially from about the time of "Love Wins", when so many were crowing and strutting around openly.

"You haven't been killed" is a pretty low bar for tolerance don't you think? :smallconfused:

[Asmodean_]

Firstly, quell your fears. People such as myself are no more likely to wish you ill today than we were two days ago, than we were about the time of "Love Wins", than the days we were born. To be blunt, if even a small number of us were such brutes as you have built up in your minds, why are you still alive? Especially from about the time of "Love Wins", when so many were crowing and strutting around openly.
"You haven't been killed" is a pretty low bar for tolerance don't you think? :smallconfused:

It's a bit of an exaggeration, but the point still stands. If someone were willing to be intolerant to any meaningful extent against any members of any community, it's unlikely that someone would wait until certain events like today's happened to do it. It's unlikely to get much worse on a personal or local level.

[The_Snark]

Concluding, I have some unsolicited advice: If you don't want to be seen as a paranoid delusional, stop acting like one.

While I appreciate that you would like to express your thoughts on this matter, may I ask that you please do it in a different thread? One that isn't designated as a support thread? This really isn't a good place for the sort of discussion this is likely to spark.

[LinkBoy]

It's a bit of an exaggeration, but the point still stands. If someone were willing to be intolerant to any meaningful extent against any members of any community, it's unlikely that someone would wait until certain events like today's happened to do it. It's unlikely to get much worse on a personal or local level.

https://www.google.se/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=hate%20crimes%20after%20brexit

[Irish Musician]

Fear me, for I am the bringer of "recent events."

Firstly, quell your fears. People such as myself are no more likely to wish you ill today than we were two days ago, than we were about the time of "Love Wins", than the days we were born. To be blunt, if even a small number of us were such brutes as you have built up in your minds, why are you still alive? Especially from about the time of "Love Wins", when so many were crowing and strutting around openly.

This leads to my second point: what lead you to think so ill of your fellow man? Here, "Love Wins", "No Hate", etc are telling; you all are pro-love (and the only definition of "love" at that, it seems) and all that is good, people are opposed to you, so it follows then that those others must be pro-hate and for all that is evil. Can you not see how absurd this is?

Concluding, I have some unsolicited advice: If you don't want to be seen as a paranoid delusional, stop acting like one.


It's a bit of an exaggeration, but the point still stands. If someone were willing to be intolerant to any meaningful extent against any members of any community, it's unlikely that someone would wait until certain events like today's happened to do it. It's unlikely to get much worse on a personal or local level.

So, this is a support thread. This isn't a thread to discuss the ins and outs and ups and downs of the interaction between the LGBTA community and the straight community.

This is a thread to support and help talk through issues the LGBTA community is having with whatever it is they are having issues (of course as long as they don't violate the forum rules).

I'm not trying to silence you or shut either of you up. But this isn't the time or the thread in which to have this discussion. I will respectfully ask that you don't press the issue. Thank you.

[Psyren]

While I appreciate that you would like to express your thoughts on this matter, may I ask that you please do it in a different thread? One that isn't designated as a support thread? This really isn't a good place for the sort of discussion this is likely to spark.


So, this is a support thread. This isn't a thread to discuss the ins and outs and ups and downs of the interaction between the LGBTA community and the straight community.

This is a thread to support and help talk through issues the LGBTA community is having with whatever it is they are having issues (of course as long as they don't violate the forum rules).

I'm not trying to silence you or shut either of you up. But this isn't the time or the thread in which to have this discussion. I will respectfully ask that you don't press the issue. Thank you.

Thirded.



@Psyren - as silver linings so, that's a very nice one. I am very happy for you! :smallsmile:

Yeah, it's been a spot of comfort in an otherwise bleak day.

That and you folks! We're all awesome.

[Lentrax]

Am I missing something? I probably am, considering I don't pay much attention to the world outside my little middle of nowhere bubble....

[Siosilvar]

Am I missing something? I probably am, considering I don't pay much attention to the world outside my little middle of nowhere bubble....

The US Presidential election did not go favorably for the LGBT+ community. I think no more can be said within the bounds of the forum rules. Honestly, even that might be too much.

[Spanish_Paladin]

Am I missing something? I probably am, considering I don't pay much attention to the world outside my little middle of nowhere bubble....

I envy you very much

[Errant_Polearm]

Firstly, I would like to apologize. That first comment of mine was poorly worded in parts, and wholly inappropriate in others.

I read some posts expressing distress, and the particular phrasing led me to believe that the posters were worried about physical violence; this colored my response. Those who would be violent against gays/etc are as rare as hen's teeth, and even if one lived near you, how would they know to target you? Pretty much only if you've been publicly vocal, in which case, why would they wait until now to act?

There will not be any sort of reprisal against gays, certainly not violent ones, and more generally, the sky is not falling. That's what I was trying to say, and again I'm sorry for any distress I caused with that first post.

[Siosilvar]

Firstly, I would like to apologize. That first comment of mine was poorly worded in parts, and wholly inappropriate in others.

I read some posts expressing distress, and the particular phrasing led me to believe that the posters were worried about physical violence; this colored my response. Those who would be violent against gays/etc are as rare as hen's teeth, and even if one lived near you, how would they know to target you? Pretty much only if you've been publicly vocal, in which case, why would they wait until now to act?

There will not be any sort of reprisal against gays, certainly not violent ones, and more generally, the sky is not falling. That's what I was trying to say, and again I'm sorry for any distress I caused with that first post.

Because I am visibly trans. Because they feel empowered now that their candidate was politically successful. It has already started - I literally have posts on my Tumblr dash of exactly that.

Don't downplay this, it's happening. We can get through it, but it will be hard.

I want everybody to know that you are valued. Each of you individually brings value to somebody's life, and I believe that a free-thinking mind has value of its own even beyond what it brings to others. Please stay safe.

[Jormengand]

Also, in general, if your solution to a problem is "Hide who you are and live in fear of being attacked if you ever try to have a romantic relationship", something, somewhere has gone horribly wrong.

[The Giant]

First, you all know about the restrictions on explicit political discussions, so I won't go into that.

Second, this is a support thread; it is for giving support. It is not for telling people that they don't need support right now. Coming into a thread intended for people to share their feelings and telling them that their feelings are silly is pretty much the definition of threadcrapping, which is against the rules. So don't do that.

Third, I would normally ask people to go start another thread if they want to discuss that topic, but given that the topic is virtually impossible to directly discuss without talking about politics...don't. Don't start another thread.

I'm not going to worry about warnings or whatever, but let's just all drop the narrow subject of whether or not worry is actually warranted. Everyone is allowed to feel how they feel. If you need to reference what's going on in order to discuss your personal support needs, you can simply say something like, "due to current events," without getting more specific. (Which is what most of you were already doing, because you're awesome posters.)

Let's keep this forum a place where people who need to escape politics can escape politics, OK? OK.

(I originally wrote the above in Moderator Red, but it just seemed much harsher than I intended. Just assume that everything above has Full Moderator Force behind it.)

[Iethloc]

I decided to start pushing my transition as quickly as possible before more...events happen. I started going by a female name and pronouns in public, even though I don't have much in the way of women's clothes yet. Everyone around me has been supportive, which has gone a long way in assuaging my worries.

I hope everyone else here has also been able to find comfort.

[JusticeZero]

I basically came out to all my coworkers recently. Today I came out again with great force to my dad, who seems supportive but complained bitterly about being expected to change his pronoun usage for me and my husband. There are very few if any people currently in my life now who are not aware.
I literally worried myself sick about current national news, and am in bed sick to my stomach.
I also collapsed in tears on my lesbian cousin at the stress. She has serious life problems of her own right now and didn't vote or track the election for reasonable reasons, so I had to explain why I was so distressed - which prompted the tear waterfall. Alas, the tears weren't quite as unrestricted as I would have hoped, though they were a bit easier. Mild dysphoria while trying to have an anxiety attack isn't helpful.
Friday, I get my E upped from a starter dose, and my husband starts on T.

Also, I feel like I should change my avatar, but substantial amounts of soul searching have yet to reveal what to yet. Hrm. I need a vision quest to discover a forum avatar concept.

[Delusion]

Just got a call from the nurse. I have a surgery date on third of january. So nervous.

[Kittenwolf]

I wanted to offer everyone *Big Hugs* after The Incident. Please everyone stay safe :(
Congratulations to those with good things happening in their life right now though :)
If anyone needs to chat or rant or anything, my inbox is always open.

[Orcus The Vile]

Also, in general, if your solution to a problem is "Hide who you are and live in fear of being attacked if you ever try to have a romantic relationship", something, somewhere has gone horribly wrong.

Hey, that is what I have been doing with my family so far. And it totally works... Well, besides the deep and terrible emotional scars but... Who don't have those?

[Demon 997]

I basically came out to all my coworkers recently. Today I came out again with great force to my dad, who seems supportive but complained bitterly about being expected to change his pronoun usage for me and my husband. There are very few if any people currently in my life now who are not aware.

I have a few friends that transitioned. I know I spent the first while screwing up pronouns half the time, but it switched subconsciously fairly quickly. I hope he can adjust too.

To everyone here: you have my deepest compassion and support, if you need anything, do not hesitate to ask.

[AmberVael]

I have a few friends that transitioned. I know I spent the first while screwing up pronouns half the time, but it switched subconsciously fairly quickly. I hope he can adjust too.

For the first while, I kept screwing up my own pronouns.

For some reason I feel like its best to be very forgiving of any difficulties around pronouns. :smalltongue:

[Demon 997]

For the first while, I kept screwing up my own pronouns.

For some reason I feel like its best to be very forgiving of any difficulties around on pronouns. :smalltongue:

That gave me a fairly needed chuckle.

The name changes were fine, but watching myself stumble over the pronouns was sort of funny.

Yeah, friends were totally nice about it, understood it was never deliberate.

Stay safe everyone, lots of hugs.

[Irish Musician]

For the first while, I kept screwing up my own pronouns.

For some reason I feel like its best to be very forgiving of any difficulties around on pronouns. :smalltongue:

Two of my friend from college went from female to male and now go by male pronouns and names. And I'll be a monkey's uncle if I didn't have to slap myself for the first long while to get my brain rewired to calling them both by their new chosen names, but also pronouns. Mostly because my brain is stubborn and once it learns something one way, is difficult to re-memorize it into submission for new things. Stupid brain.

But they were both very sweet about it and forgave me a lot, probably more than they should have. Love those dudes. Also just sold an old pair of my biker type boots to one of them :smallsmile: Was honestly surprised his feet fit my boot, but he looks pretty darn badass in them.

@Justice - I am glad you are able to come out to pretty much everyone and it still be generally alright. But I am sorry that you are so worried about current events that you had a waterfall of tears. Sometimes, though, having a nice cry is good for the soul. Just know that you are loved and there are still a LOT of us here in the States that support this community and love you all no matter what. I honestly don't know what I'd do without the LGBTA friends I have in my life, and know that we will fight hard to keep you all there.

[Lissou]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here yet, but I'm back in college right now, learning Spanish and ASL (because I love languages and I can always use more of them). My college has a really good LGBT+ alliance as well as other minority clubs. In response to current events, they have been showing their support more vocally, and the teachers have been reminding us of where and when we can get support if needed. Crisis hours have been set in place which means it is possible for students to drop in at pretty much any time (while the campus is open) to get help and support.

This is very good, and I want to give everyone as much support as I can. Hugs to everyone around. So far the hostility has been limited, but quite honestly, we're next to Portland, Oregon and that's not an unsafe place to be.

My boyfriend and his husband have been struggling to deal with it all. It was my boyfriend's 30th birthday yesterday and he was as depressed and scared as I've ever seen him. I'll be doing my best to comfort and support him today (it's our date night) and I want to make it clear to everyone that if you want to talk about things, if you're scared or worried or anything, this thread is a safe place for you, and you should feel free to PM me for anything you would prefer not to discuss publicly.

Hugs to everyone who wants them :)

[Icewraith]

We've checked in with friends that might be vulnerable given recent developments. Being an ally just got a whole lot more important. If anything bad goes down, document and report it.

In related news, I went three months without flashbacks, my doc and I decided we probably didn't need to meet, now this happens and boom. If things don't settle down in a couple days I may set up an appointment.

[Ravens_cry]

For the first while, I kept screwing up my own pronouns.

For some reason I feel like its best to be very forgiving of any difficulties around pronouns. :smalltongue:
Me too to both. I also would and sometimes still do so. As long as it's not maliciously done, I tend to be outwardly pretty chill about it. I know I don't pass, and I know that people who have known me one way will take awhile to adjust.
I still feel a little spark of glee when someone, especially a stranger, gets it right though.:smallbiggrin:

[Heliomance]

Blarg. I've hit my regularly scheduled "I don't have a girlfriend and I don't see any way I'm going to get one any time soon and I'm going to end up a lonely spinster" episode again. Not helped by the fact that I've recently moved into a flat with a pair of very attractive friends who are very much a couple.

[golentan]

So, I'm weighing the pros and cons of leaving the country.

Not because I'm afraid for myself. I mean, I have been considering this for a while, especially since my newly acquired status as a vet tech is valid in canada (we share a licensing oversight board). But with my fiance overseas to begin with, I'm worried that getting legal status elsewhere together may be easier than getting her legal status here in the very near future. At the same time, I'm worried about... the potential rush, and I'm not at all sure I want to abandon my life, friends, family, etc. here. And anywhere but canada, I'm not sure about the status of veterinary technicians and I definitely don't want to abandon my career.

This isn't a request for legal advice, or an attempt to comment on the causes of my concerns. It's just... a very real, very pressing stressor on my life right now. And in part, this is one of the only places I can talk about the full thing without outing my lady love.

[Asmodean_]

Help i just accidentally came out as bisexual to my mum over a pad thai i can't even

[Demon 997]

Help i just accidentally came out as bisexual to my mum over a pad thai i can't even

Hoping this is the start of a funny story and not a scary family experience. Hugs either way.

[Eldest]

Hoping this is the start of a funny story and not a scary family experience. Hugs either way.

Seconding this, especially the hugs.

[Togath]

Just got a call from the nurse. I have a surgery date on third of january. So nervous.

Is it for SRS, or something else?

[Kittenwolf]

Thought I'd post up a picture of my Scarlet Witch cosplay at PAX AU last weekend. Easily the most stressful cosplay/costume related thing I've ever done but glad I went through with it.
Hopefully it'll prove an interesting diversion from any crappy things going on.


http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b279/LeviathanZero/15016350_1186307221465635_2213018373717823022_o_zp s9mqydmze.jpg

[CWater]

Thought I'd post up a picture of my Scarlet Witch cosplay at PAX AU last weekend. Easily the most stressful cosplay/costume related thing I've ever done but glad I went through with it.
Hopefully it'll prove an interesting diversion from any crappy things going on.


http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b279/LeviathanZero/15016350_1186307221465635_2213018373717823022_o_zp s9mqydmze.jpg


Wow, that's pretty cool!:smallcool:

[Lissou]

Nice! Amazing cosplay :)

[Grytorm]

So, I'm weighing the pros and cons of leaving the country.

Not because I'm afraid for myself. I mean, I have been considering this for a while, especially since my newly acquired status as a vet tech is valid in canada (we share a licensing oversight board). But with my fiance overseas to begin with, I'm worried that getting legal status elsewhere together may be easier than getting her legal status here in the very near future. At the same time, I'm worried about... the potential rush, and I'm not at all sure I want to abandon my life, friends, family, etc. here. And anywhere but canada, I'm not sure about the status of veterinary technicians and I definitely don't want to abandon my career.

Hi Golentan. Good to hear from you. What occurs to me is that it really depends on what kind of timeline you are running on. If your and, um. I don't remember how to spell her screen name :smallredface:. Well if she is moving real soon then it might be worthwhile. But if it isn't for several years then it seems to be more of a wait and see. Hope that helps.

[ArlEammon]

Still kind of dead inside. i never thought I'd ever become a Goth.

[JusticeZero]

And I am suddenly tempted to fill my wardrobe with white and gold and pastel, but I don't know why, what that would look like, if it's a thing, or what.

[137beth]

Help i just accidentally came out as bisexual to my mum over a pad thai i can't even

So...how did she take it?

[Delusion]

Is it for SRS, or something else?

Yup SRS. Also means that I need to stop taking hormones next month. Hope that wont make me too moody.

[Asmodean_]

Had a conversation, went something like this
- be careful just in general
- make sure you're certain because coming out is hard to backpedal
- I hope you're not going to go out clubbin' when there's GCSEs and A-Levels to be done.

[Coidzor]

And I am suddenly tempted to fill my wardrobe with white and gold and pastel, but I don't know why, what that would look like, if it's a thing, or what.

Well, the white and gold sounds like it could be out of sci-fi or certain music videos, I suppose.

It'd be pretty overpowering and attention-grabbing in my conception of it.

I can't get the mental image of a big poofy, white furry collar out of my head right now, though.

[Serpentine]

White and gold are particularly popular for weddings and Christmas.

[Jormengand]

- I hope you're not going to go out clubbin' when there's GCSEs and A-Levels to be done.

I am the least surprised that this was the response. Oh well.

[Heliomance]

So I'm pretty sure that, at this point in my life, finding a partner is basically going to be online dating or bust, so I'm gonna try and get back into that.

My facebook feed at this point is a fairly continuous stream of my peers getting engaged, with the occasional baby starting to show up. I am chronically single and have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to find someone interested in dating a trans lesbian awkward geek in the quiet, Conservative commuter suburbs where I live.

[Orcus The Vile]

So I'm pretty sure that, at this point in my life, finding a partner is basically going to be online dating or bust, so I'm gonna try and get back into that.

My facebook feed at this point is a fairly continuous stream of my peers getting engaged, with the occasional baby starting to show up. I am chronically single and have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to find someone interested in dating a trans lesbian awkward geek in the quiet, Conservative commuter suburbs where I live.

Maybe you should try to be less Romantic and just be more classical about it.

Why does finding a partner needs to be a calling or a love at the first sight? Does that really work? Is finding love through an app or a site really that different or less noble? Why do you feel like that is a bad thing if it fits your type of personality more than going out a tring to find someone? Who said that they way things need to be? And why do you agree with that?

Out of curiosity in an ideal world how would you finding a partner work for you?

[Heliomance]

Maybe you should try to be less Romantic and just be more classical about it.

Why does finding a partner needs to be a calling or a love at the first sight? Does that really work? Is finding love through an app or a site really that different or less noble? Why do you feel like that is a bad thing if it fits your type of personality more than going out a tring to find someone? Who said that they way things need to be? And why do you agree with that?

Out of curiosity in an ideal world how would you finding a partner work for you?

I'm... not entirely sure what you're asking here. I never said anything about a "calling" or love at first sight - what do you mean?

[Orcus The Vile]

I'm... not entirely sure what you're asking here. I never said anything about a "calling" or love at first sight - what do you mean?

I'm sorry it is just that to me you aways seem to act like online dating is bad thing and has the hopes of finding "the special one" to be a event that happens naturaly and without predetermination and I don't get why.

If you are not, I'm sorry I guess I'm not supposed to just assume things.

Pardon the intrusion.

[Heliomance]

I'm sorry it is just that to me you aways seem to act like online dating is bad thing and has the hopes of finding "the special one" to be a event that happens naturaly and without predetermination and I don't get why.

If you are not, I'm sorry I guess I'm not supposed to just assume things.

Pardon the intrusion.

Always? I wasn't aware that I'd mentioned it for quite some time.

I don't consider it a bad thing - the most successful relationship I've ever had was with someone I met on OKC. I do think online dating is difficult, and has a depressingly low success rate regarding messages sent to anything coming of them. I tend to get discouraged with it fairly fast.

In an ideal world, I would like to discover someone more naturally - we happen to cross paths on a regular basis, we find each other attractive, and friendship naturally grows into more. For there to be good odds of that, though, there would have to be a distinctly higher concentration of queer folk in my area. Especially as both my field of work and my primary hobbies are extremely male-dominated.

[golentan]

So I'm pretty sure that, at this point in my life, finding a partner is basically going to be online dating or bust, so I'm gonna try and get back into that.

My facebook feed at this point is a fairly continuous stream of my peers getting engaged, with the occasional baby starting to show up. I am chronically single and have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to find someone interested in dating a trans lesbian awkward geek in the quiet, Conservative commuter suburbs where I live.

Didn't Serps say at one point that everyone is someone's fetish?

You'll find someone, have faith. May take a while, but finding a good match isn't supposed to be easy, and the expectation it is I think is partly responsible for the high divorce rate out there.

[Lentrax]

I'm sorry it is just that to me you aways seem to act like online dating is bad thing and has the hopes of finding "the special one" to be a event that happens naturaly and without predetermination and I don't get why.

If you are not, I'm sorry I guess I'm not supposed to just assume things.

Pardon the intrusion.

I am fairly certain that Tamsin has only, on occasion, mentioned frustration at online dating being unfriendly to her at its best. And frankly, its kinda normal to be frustrated with a lack of love life, and so I am not worried about Tamsin finding a wonderful woman to spend her life with. Because I know she is awesome, and deserves someone equally awesome.

[ArlEammon]

still depressed so bad snidely whiplash feels it.

i want to get better but I'm afraid I'll be mentally ill

[JusticeZero]

Just gave my husband his first T shot. One, I got mixed up on all the steps and did a poor job. Two, I feel like such a villain.

[Heliomance]

Welp, got off my arse at last. I'm going to a pub quiz tonight with a whole bunch of lesbians that I've never met before!

EDIT: HOLY FREAKING CRAP SOME GOOD NEWS AT LAST! Charing Cross are referring me to a different hospital, and reckon that'll mean I'll get seen for surgery between March and May!

[Eldest]

Didn't Serps say at one point that everyone is someone's fetish?

You'll find someone, have faith. May take a while, but finding a good match isn't supposed to be easy, and the expectation it is I think is partly responsible for the high divorce rate out there.

This is not the best phrase for trans people, just a heads up.

In unrelated news! I'm trying to socially switch over to proper pronouns and name this winter at school and work. Hopefully it goes well.

[noparlpf]

Welp, got off my arse at last. I'm going to a pub quiz tonight with a whole bunch of lesbians that I've never met before!

EDIT: HOLY FREAKING CRAP SOME GOOD NEWS AT LAST! Charing Cross are referring me to a different hospital, and reckon that'll mean I'll get seen for surgery between March and May!

On the one hand: Congrats!

On the other hand: Wow, it took what, like, five years of waiting lists to admit they can't handle your case and refer you to somebody who can? Geez.

[Orcus The Vile]

Didn't Serps say at one point that everyone is someone's fetish?

You'll find someone, have faith. May take a while, but finding a good match isn't supposed to be easy, and the expectation it is I think is partly responsible for the high divorce rate out there.

Also a lot of people use the word "fetish" wrong.

People think it means "Something you are attracted to". But it is a psychological term for a mental and/or emotional problem.

Fetishism is characterized as a disorder when there is a pathological assignment of sexual fixation, fantasies or behaviors toward an inanimate object -- frequently an item of clothing -- such as underclothing or a high-heeled shoe -- or to nongenital body parts -- such as the foot.

Only through use of this object can the individual obtain sexual gratification. The fetishist usually holds, rubs or smells the fetish object for sexual gratification or asks their partner to wear the object during sexual encounters. Fetishism is a more common occurrence in males, and the causes are not clearly known. Fetishism falls under the general category of paraphilias, abnormal or unnatural sexual attractions.

The word comes from a type of spell, a shaman wold create a fetish to represent something and whatever he did witht he object it would also happen to the thing it represents.

That is why it is used to refer to people that prefer an object for sexual gratification rather than sex itself.

[Heliomance]

On the one hand: Congrats!

On the other hand: Wow, it took what, like, five years of waiting lists to admit they can't handle your case and refer you to somebody who can? Geez.

Eh, not quite. Something like a year and a half from referral to first appointment, then a few years of clinical appointments, then referring me on to surgery at which point the clinic discharged me. I'm now the urology department's problem, and they have a year long waiting list but have just passed me to a different hospital with a shorter list.

But yes, the overall result is somewhere in the region of four or five years' wait.

[golentan]

The word comes from a type of spell, a shaman wold create a fetish to represent something and whatever he did witht he object it would also happen to the thing it represents.

That is why it is used to refer to people that prefer an object for sexual gratification rather than sex itself.

~hides hair dolls hastily behind back~

Whaaaaaaaat? That sounds crazy, I've certainly never heard of anything like that.

But... clumsy word choice aside, I stand by my assertion that somewhere there's a lovely lady who will hear Heliomance speak and develop an itch she can't scratch herself, and vice versa.

[Heliomance]

Quiz was pretty fun, though most of the women there were into the 40-60something age bracket. Still, I'll probably be back next month.

There was one woman just a few years older than me that I really hit it off with. She's cute, funny, loves fantasy fiction, smart... and full of interesting stories about her wife.

Oh well.

[Serpentine]

This is not the best phrase for trans people, just a heads up.
While I still think it's true, I thought the same thing about this particular context.

So for here, even if it's not as catchy, let's go with... everybody is somebody's type.

Still good, Heliomance! Who knows, maybe she'll know someone who knows someone :smallwink:

[Togath]

So I may vanish for a while.
Due to the apartments adding fees every time my family tried to pay the rent, we're behind and facing a possible eviction.
I'm terrified and having trouble staying stable emotionally...
So... I may be online less.

edit: Change that too "we need to be 100% out by monday"

[137beth]

So I may vanish for a while.
Due to the apartments adding fees every time my family tried to pay the rent, we're behind and facing a possible eviction.
I'm terrified and having trouble staying stable emotionally...
So... I may be online less.

edit: Change that too "we need to be 100% out by monday"

Ouch! Good luck handling the situation:smalleek:

[lylsyly]

So I may vanish for a while.
Due to the apartments adding fees every time my family tried to pay the rent, we're behind and facing a possible eviction.
I'm terrified and having trouble staying stable emotionally...
So... I may be online less.

edit: Change that too "we need to be 100% out by monday"

Been there, done that, still sort of doing that. Best of luck and all my prayers. :BIGHUG:

[Dire Moose]

Ugh, that feeling when you have an announcement you'd really, REALLY like to make but you know at least one person in the room if not two would feel bad upon hearing it...

[JusticeZero]

Ugh, that feeling when you have an announcement you'd really, REALLY like to make but you know at least one person in the room if not two would feel bad upon hearing it...
Is it information they will need to get anyways?

[Dire Moose]

Ok, I guess it's probably best to just let it out. And before I say it, I'm really, really sorry, Heliomance. I know you've directly stated you've heard enough of these announcements and feel bad about them. :(

I've posted on here already that I met someone online last year (her name is Mariah, by the way) who was able to help me resolve my gender issues when nobody else could, and that she and I have become very close friends since then, especially after we helped each other through some very dark times last summer (notably, my losing my job in California and struggling through things there until I could make it back to Arizona). We have been talking for hours almost every day over Skype and FaceTime since then.

After months of extended meetings, she and I mutually realized we had developed feelings for each other in mid-September, and things just went from there. In October, we finally met up IRL when she visited Arizona for a month to undergo SRS and we stayed together the entire time except for when she was in the hospital. She only just returned to Washington State yesterday, and I'll be visiting her for Christmas this year. We have another visit in Arizona scheduled for early spring next year, and I'll be making another trip to Washington in July.

So here's the announcement. Mariah and I are engaged, and we will be marrying in a small civil ceremony in Seattle next July to get the paperwork done. The remainder of next year will be spent moving everything from her place to mine, getting her settled in Arizona, and eventually finding a house together. The full ceremony will be sometime in Spring 2018 when that's all over.

Oh, some pictures (https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1bWh8m3lYtCO75tku0--6ZbfW4JJyxryaxDJnIhX8K7w/edit?usp=sharing).

[Comrade]

Whoa, that's great news. Congratulations!

[golentan]

Congratulations!

[lio45]

Wow. That is indeed fantastic news! Congratulations!!!

[Lissou]

Congrats! You're very cute together :)

[Dire Moose]

Awww, thank you everyone.:smallredface:

[Heliomance]

Ok, I guess it's probably best to just let it out. And before I say it, I'm really, really sorry, Heliomance. I know you've directly stated you've heard enough of these announcements and feel bad about them. :(

I've posted on here already that I met someone online last year (her name is Mariah, by the way) who was able to help me resolve my gender issues when nobody else could, and that she and I have become very close friends since then, especially after we helped each other through some very dark times last summer (notably, my losing my job in California and struggling through things there until I could make it back to Arizona). We have been talking for hours almost every day over Skype and FaceTime since then.

After months of extended meetings, she and I mutually realized we had developed feelings for each other in mid-September, and things just went from there. In October, we finally met up IRL when she visited Arizona for a month to undergo SRS and we stayed together the entire time except for when she was in the hospital. She only just returned to Washington State yesterday, and I'll be visiting her for Christmas this year. We have another visit in Arizona scheduled for early spring next year, and I'll be making another trip to Washington in July.

So here's the announcement. Mariah and I are engaged, and we will be marrying in a small civil ceremony in Seattle next July to get the paperwork done. The remainder of next year will be spent moving everything from her place to mine, getting her settled in Arizona, and eventually finding a house together. The full ceremony will be sometime in Spring 2018 when that's all over.

Oh, some pictures (https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1bWh8m3lYtCO75tku0--6ZbfW4JJyxryaxDJnIhX8K7w/edit?usp=sharing).

Yeah yeah, congrats and all that. *grumble grumble*

:smalltongue:

I kid, I kid. Seriously, good for you guys.

[Jormengand]

So here's the announcement. Mariah and I are engaged, and we will be marrying in a small civil ceremony in Seattle next July to get the paperwork done.

Well done! :smallbiggrin:

[ThinkMinty]

I haven't been here in forever, and...everyone doing okay? I know we just all got some very bad news around the 9th, so I hope you guys are doing okay. There is impending dark times ahead, and we can't act like everything will be okay...because it won't. The bad guys won, at least for a while anyways, so...it's okay to feel bad about it. I'm being indirect to comply with forum rules, but

A lot of people aren't going to make it out, and we need to stay strong to honor those of us who aren't so lucky and will be trampled in the coming years of bad times.

So I hope y'all are holding up alright, all things considered. ._.

[YossarianLives]

Congrats Dire Moose!

Yesterday was Transgender Day of Remembrance. I went to a small vigil, not really sure what to expect, but I can't describe how profoundly sad it was. I'm sorry to say I was ignorant of how many deaths have been related to hate-crimes. I don't cry much, but I couldn't (and didn't want to) stop myself last night.

Stay safe everyone, you're all great.

[Dire Moose]

I wanted to go to whatever events were going on for TDOR here, but the only announcements I could find were for last year. It seems our LGBT community is becoming less active as of late, unfortunately, especially since the pride center downtown had to close due to lack of donations.

This brings me to another thing on my mind lately. I've been pretty active in whatever local LGBT communities I've come across and enjoyed the sense of belonging and community there, and she's been quite active in trans support circles herself. However, while I am bisexual and she is transgender, I'm in a permanent relationship with her and she's completed her transition up to and including surgery. As such, we are effectively becoming "just another hetero couple" and I'm not sure how well we would fit in with the LGBT community going forward. If we were to go to a pride event, I can't help but think we'll get questions like "Why are you here?" etc.

[Asmodean_]

Your entering into a heterosexual relationship doesn't make you completely heterosexual in the same way that entering into a homosexual relationship doesn't make you completely homosexual. Let me demonstrate with a hastily made venn diagram:

http://i.imgur.com/Qm7Xw4t.png

[Jormengand]

Technically that's not a Venn Diagram, or entirely correct anyway, for multiple reasons (you can have a relationship with a man and a woman without having a relationship with a nonbinary person). But the general point, that having a heterosexual relationship doesn't make you heterosexual, remains sound.

[noparlpf]

I think it's supposed to read "still bisexual: includes [relationships with people who are the same gender as you], [relationships with people who are the other binary gender], and [relationships with people who are nonbinary]," but that's a lot of qualifiers to cram into a hastily-made graphic that was probably done in MS Paint.

[Lissou]

I think it's supposed to read "still bisexual: includes [relationships with people who are the same gender as you], [relationships with people who are the other binary gender], and [relationships with people who are nonbinary]," but that's a lot of qualifiers to cram into a hastily-made graphic that was probably done in MS Paint.

Also includes not being in a relationship at all (at least that's what I took the area outside of all the circles to mean). Not the best graphic ever but I think it gets the point across.

[GAAD]

Yeah, I never got the stereotype that bisexual people have relations with both genders at once. If you're single, it doesn't mean you're asexual, so if you're in a relationship with a member of the opposite gender it doesn't mean you suddenly aren't attracted to individuals of the same gender as yourself. Hence why I don't understand the trope of a man showing off his girlfriend to prove that he's not gay. It only "proves" his attraction to females and has no actual correlation with his attraction to other males.

[Dire Moose]

I understand the point. It's more like I feel that people will see us as both cis and straight and that as such, regardless of where we started, I'm no longer doing anything romantic/sexual with guys, and she no longer has any physical or legal "male" aspects remaining, so what is there to distinguish us from any other straight couple, and thus how will we be viewed by the LGBT community from here on out? Regardless of my attractions and her past, we are unlikely to be perceived as bi or trans by others.

There is an element of the community that prides itself on being different from everyone else and views LGBT people who get married, are monogamous, and adopt children (which are our plans) as somehow betraying their identities and trying to "be straight/cis." Not that most are like that, of course.

[Coidzor]

Well, you know your local area better than we do to know what the asshat quotient is.

[AliceLost]

Well, whose opinions do you care about? Because there will always be people who judge you based on your superficial appearances, no matter what they are.
Bi people don't stop being Bi when they date the opposite sex, and trans folk don't stop being trans when they "pass" to someone's satisfaction. Both should still entirely be welcome in LGBT spaces, and if you're not, that's a problem with the space, not with you or your relationship.

I'd say, go and don't worry about it. If someone there makes you feel unwelcome, talk to an organizer about it: even if you choose not to go back, they ought to know that someone is driving people away from the safe space created explicitly for them.

[Asmodean_]

Technically that's not a Venn Diagram, or entirely correct anyway, for multiple reasons (you can have a relationship with a man and a woman without having a relationship with a nonbinary person). But the general point, that having a heterosexual relationship doesn't make you heterosexual, remains sound.

http://i.imgur.com/lzxIb4C.png

[Prince Zahn]

Hi there I had a quandary with my romantic life, and was directed to this thread, I hope someone here can help me better understand and handle what I'm going through. here goes:

I have a girlfriend online, who is absent for long periods at a time, over these long months I was often worried about whether she felt for me the way I do for her, but even when she speaks with me, and I feel she does, I don't get to spend time with her and bond nearly as much as I would like to.

In the meantime, I've met someone else online, he's a man in his forties, about twice my age. We text affectionately a lot, despite both of us being straight males, and I get a lot of emotional intimacy from him that I don't get from my sweetheart.

(She doesn't know about him, but I never got a chance to bring him up. As I said - if I'm fortunate, she sends me 1 message within a couple of months.)

As of late, this man has been more "affectionate" than usual, I get the feeling that he wants our intimacy to continue to the next level,but I don't feel like I am ready for that. And I don't know if I ever would be. His presence fills a strong emotional need, comparable to what I had with my SOs in previous relationships, but I don't feel a physical or sexual attraction or anything like that, and there's a limit to how comfortable I can get with the occasional flirting.

I don't know how other people might view it, but from my (admittedly limited) perspective, love is something acquired, as opposed to falling into it suddenly. I want to think that I can learn to love a person who is this important to me, without having to worry about age, distance, and apparently gender (by the way please be patient with me and correct me if I'm using the wrong terms.) the only flaw in that theory is that I have strong hesitations holding me back about getting this close to him beyond the emotional levels.

I don't know if he's expecting anything, he says he's not, but I don't know if he'll want to stick around if I tell him all of this, and explain that I may never be able to reciprocate the feelings he has for me. At the same time, I don't want him to go, because when he's with me, my life feels better and I don't feel alone or lose sleep waiting for my sweetheart to send me a text.

I appreciate any and all wisdom the LGBTAI+ Community has to offer, I often seen myself as a supporter of LGBT+ rights (or at the very least, I try to be supportive and not judgmental to my friends and people I knew who were part of this community).

Thank you for reading, and for any support on the matter!

[Lentrax]

Hi there I had a quandary with my romantic life, and was directed to this thread, I hope someone here can help me better understand and handle what I'm going through. here goes:

I have a girlfriend online, who is absent for long periods at a time, over these long months I was often worried about whether she felt for me the way I do for her, but even when she speaks with me, and I feel she does, I don't get to spend time with her and bond nearly as much as I would like to.

In the meantime, I've met someone else online, he's a man in his forties, about twice my age. We text affectionately a lot, despite both of us being straight males, and I get a lot of emotional intimacy from him that I don't get from my sweetheart.

(She doesn't know about him, but I never got a chance to bring him up. As I said - if I'm fortunate, she sends me 1 message within a couple of months.)

As of late, this man has been more "affectionate" than usual, I get the feeling that he wants our intimacy to continue to the next level,but I don't feel like I am ready for that. And I don't know if I ever would be. His presence fills a strong emotional need, comparable to what I had with my SOs in previous relationships, but I don't feel a physical or sexual attraction or anything like that, and there's a limit to how comfortable I can get with the occasional flirting.

I don't know how other people might view it, but from my (admittedly limited) perspective, love is something acquired, as opposed to falling into it suddenly. I want to think that I can learn to love a person who is this important to me, without having to worry about age, distance, and apparently gender (by the way please be patient with me and correct me if I'm using the wrong terms.) the only flaw in that theory is that I have strong hesitations holding me back about getting this close to him beyond the emotional levels.

I don't know if he's expecting anything, he says he's not, but I don't know if he'll want to stick around if I tell him all of this, and explain that I may never be able to reciprocate the feelings he has for me. At the same time, I don't want him to go, because when he's with me, my life feels better and I don't feel alone or lose sleep waiting for my sweetheart to send me a text.

I appreciate any and all wisdom the LGBTAI+ Community has to offer, I often seen myself as a supporter of LGBT+ rights (or at the very least, I try to be supportive and not judgmental to my friends and people I knew who were part of this community).

Thank you for reading, and for any support on the matter!


I would probably tell him your current comfort level. Make sure he knows that this is (for now, at least) as far as you are willing to go. It may drive him off, but in the end, at least it won't make you feel pressured to take things further than you want to go. Make sure you don't sound bitter or angry about it, and hope that he understands (which I think he will, if he is as awesome as you make him sound).

(Oh, and FYI, I acquire love too, usually by falling head over heels in a sudden rush. And I just can't help it.)

[Prince Zahn]

I would probably tell him your current comfort level. Make sure he knows that this is (for now, at least) as far as you are willing to go. It may drive him off, but in the end, at least it won't make you feel pressured to take things further than you want to go. Make sure you don't sound bitter or angry about it, and hope that he understands (which I think he will, if he is as awesome as you make him sound). He is very awesome, thank you :smallsmile:
I followed up on your advice and he was alright with it I think, we talked about what we expected from each other. I told him that my affection for him is purely emotional, and not physical or sexual, afterwards, I asked him about his side of things, as I don't believe that my needs are more important than his. He tried to insist that he didn't want anything more from me, but he has a tendency to repress his own feelings and desires for others. I made it very clear to him that I want him to let those feelings come out when we're together, even if he feels selfish for having those feelings. I said I want him to openly disagree with me if I say or do something objectionable, so that those bottled up little things don't develop into resentment. He told me that it's hard for him not to bottle those things up, but he'll try his best for me. Without going into more details on it, I think that's the best I could have asked for.

In the relationship woes and advice thread I was also discussing this, someone there said that I might be "one of those people who are both Bi-romantic and heterosexual". A quick Google search and it appears that the shoe fits in a way, at least with him. But that opens up some more questions, (even though I don't necessarily need answers. I'm content where I am. ) such as "what exactly does that mean to me if I am a Biromantic Heterosexual?" "does it count as my orientation if it's only happened with 1 person?", "Is this sort of romantic attraction likely to develop into other aspects?", "could this newly developing Bi-romantic side of me develop into other forms of bisexuality?"



(Oh, and FYI, I acquire love too, usually by falling head over heels in a sudden rush. And I just can't help it.)I know what you mean, but that's part of the appeal of acquired love :smallsmile: it doesn't happen at first sight, but when it comes you never see it coming. :smallsmile: the funny thing is that the moment I stopped looking for love myself, I ended up developing feelings for him, it's like life gave me what I needed when I stopped worrying about it. :smallsmile:

[Togath]

So my family, me, my kid sister, and my mother, are in a rough spot money-wise.
We're still in the middle of moving, and trying to find a home, and hopefully recover enough for a job for her to become a safe option again, as well as to stabilize things enough for me to seek out my own goals.
Due to this, she set up a Gofundme page a few days ago.
It's not specifically LGBTAI+ oriented, as it benefits her and my kid sister too, but I figured I should ask how people would feel about me linking it here.

[Comrade]

I think it would be perfectly fine.

[Togath]

Here's the link (https://www.gofundme.com/keira-s-courage).
I feel embarrassed sharing it(largely due to worrying it's weird that I still live my family at 22), but other friends have encouraged me to do so. :smallsmile:

[Heliomance]

Here's the link (https://www.gofundme.com/keira-s-courage).
I feel embarrassed sharing it(largely due to worrying it's weird that I still live my family at 22), but other friends have encouraged me to do so. :smallsmile:

Hey, I moved out of my parents' house about four or five weeks ago. I'm 27.

[noparlpf]

I moved out when I was 21 and supported myself for a year but then I went back to school so even though I don't "live" with my mum she's paying my rent again. Or my grandmother is, I don't really know.

But anyway my mum is like 40-something or 50 and lives with her parents, so don't feel bad about it.

[lylsyly]

I lived at home until I joined the Army at age 22 (after I finished college).

[Dire Moose]

I moved out to go to school in South Dakota when I was 23, moved back home for a year at 26 afterward before moving permanently at 27.

[Prince Zahn]

Here's the link (https://www.gofundme.com/keira-s-courage).
I feel embarrassed sharing it(largely due to worrying it's weird that I still live my family at 22), but other friends have encouraged me to do so. :smallsmile:

22 isn't strictly an age where you have to worry about living independently yet. I'm 22 and I live with my mom. my brother is over 2 years older than me, he lives with us too. there's no shame in living with your parents at this age, because there are many advantages to doing so, at this age, (especially if money is an issue.) the same also goes if you're a student, or a soldier, or otherwise living by cutting back on a lot of things. basically until you and your family can recover from your financial troubles, work on building a career, and get started on pursuing your goals and dreams, getting a place of your own may a lesser priority right.

I do hope you and your family would will be successful, and bounce back financially as well as in well-being and spirit. in our family money is also a frequent issue, but I assure you that if I could, I would certainly contribute to your Gofundme page.

[Inevitability]

My dad stayed home until he was around 25. There's nothing wrong with moving out at your 22nd.

[Angelika Tatsu]

Greetings all! I'm a Trans gamer; male-to-female.

My realization came to me after my dad died. Something inside me snapped. I dealt with a lot of depression and bullying when I was younger, namely for caring too much and being too giving of myself. Coming to terms with being transgender was like opening a time-capsule; pieces of my past that fit together to form a cohesive picture of who I was meant to be. The puzzle is now complete but my life is still unfolding before my eyes.

I am still pre-everything. I am working towards making changes in my life that should be conducive towards getting on HRT and eventually being able to live on my own. I currently live with my mom...she has said, "I can't walk that road with you." This is not to say that she doesn't support me being trans though. She does want me to be happy; for the most part I am. Just knowing my truth is enough to keep me happy, even if for whatever reason I never get the chance to follow through with HRT and GRS.

[Comrade]

Welcome to the thread, Angelika Tatsu. I'm glad the puzzle is complete (so to speak) and hopefully your mother eventually finds herself able to walk that road with you.

[Iethloc]

Here's the link (https://www.gofundme.com/keira-s-courage).
I feel embarrassed sharing it(largely due to worrying it's weird that I still live my family at 22), but other friends have encouraged me to do so. :smallsmile:

I still live with my family, and I'm 24 (25 in just one week). My older brother and sister are still with my family, too. I also have friends around my age who still live with their family.


Also, welcome, Angelika Tatsu! I hope, as life unfolds for you, it turns out well.

[Angelika Tatsu]

Thanks for the welcome. I'm glad to be here. Looking forward to interacting with everybody.

[Dysole]

I've never really wished I wasn't transgender but lately... I don't know. I wish I'd just been born a man. Things would be so much easier. I'd probably have no problem finding friends and relationships. My anxiety and depression would probably be much less of a problem. I wouldn't have to worry about how this bandmate or that bandmate is going to take me telling them I'm trans. Instead I get to spend years going through an expensive, emotionally tumultuous 'transition' just in hopes that maybe I'll eventually kind of look like a woman and knowing that my chances of finding somebody to be with are drastically smaller than they otherwise would be because I probably won't ever not look like a man. Not to mention job prospects, discrimination, prejudice... What a ****ing albatross to be shackled with.

I'm not sure of your specific situation, but much of this resonates with my own experiences being a trans woman (although I think I wish more that I was just born in a "female body" than I wish I was born a guy, but otherwise...). It's less so now because I do have a decent support network (also helps being in one of the better states for trans people), but it kind of never goes away no matter what people tell me or how positive my own circumstances get. I can only offer you my empathy as it's hopefully more helpful than other pithy statements that came to mind.

[Angelika Tatsu]

Over the past year I have dealt with a lot of dysphoria. My biggest gripe used to be not having been born in the right body; wishing I had been born assigned female. I realized I had become angry over it, to point of mental exhausting and physical fatigue. I was mad at my mom for not supporting me the way I had hoped she would. Mad at my dad for dying; had he not would I have even be dealing with being Transgender? And mad at my sister... just mad, really, really mad. I ended up saying things to my mom, which only made her more angry at me for coming out. Things finally came to a head. I could have gotten angrier. Instead I mellowed out. Allowed peace inside myself and found that the more I accepted peace the more I was able to be happier in just knowing that I am female regardless of being born assigned male.

[Icewraith]

I've never really wished I wasn't transgender but lately... I don't know. I wish I'd just been born a man. Things would be so much easier. I'd probably have no problem finding friends and relationships. My anxiety and depression would probably be much less of a problem. I wouldn't have to worry about how this bandmate or that bandmate is going to take me telling them I'm trans. Instead I get to spend years going through an expensive, emotionally tumultuous 'transition' just in hopes that maybe I'll eventually kind of look like a woman and knowing that my chances of finding somebody to be with are drastically smaller than they otherwise would be because I probably won't ever not look like a man. Not to mention job prospects, discrimination, prejudice... What a ****ing albatross to be shackled with.

"Probably" is a dangerous word.

"If only" X then "probably" I'd be better is a trap. A big, gigantic, nostalgia trap. I mean, if only those things you couldn't control hadn't happened to you, the things you don't like in your current life would be better and not worse, right? If only you'd rolled a 20 instead of a 1?

My life would probably be totally different if I wasn't born with a learning disability, and if I didn't have depression, and if I didn't have PTSD from that one thing that happened awhile back. Would it be better?

I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. If I still got hit with depression in grad school but never had the learning disability, I don't know if I would have been able to find the resources I used to get myself back on track and avoid getting punted for poor performance. I only knew I should ask about seeing a doctor because I already had quite a bit of experience with mental health professionals, and if I hadn't had good ones I might not have trusted I could find good ones enough to get my courage up to seek care in the first place.

If I didn't have the learning disability but still got the depression, I probably wouldn't have handled it like I did, and would probably gotten kicked out of school, and the threads I was barely holding the rest of my life together with would have probably snapped.

If it hadn't rained a couple weeks before my final project in grad school was due, I probably wouldn't have gotten in that car accident. I would have tried to make it another week or so at work at least. Instead I ended up taking the next few weeks off to finish up my projects and study. Yeah I lost a day or so to finishing things off at work, and then another couple days to having a post-accident mental shutdown where I definitely got no work done on my project. It turns out I really, really needed the rest of that time to get everything done so I could graduate on time and really get my career going. If I hadn't gotten in that accident, I probably wouldn't have had the time I needed to get everything done.

Of course, if I had been a couple seconds faster at everything that morning, I might not have gotten in the accident at all, or I could have gotten seriously hurt in that accident instead of being merely shaken up.

In theory, if none of the bad or sad or nasty or unfortunate stuff I've gone though in my life happened to me, everything would be great. But if only some of the bad stuff happened and not others, I wouldn't necessarily have had the tools I got from dealing with bad stuff to overcome the stuff that still happened. I want to think that I'd probably be a billionaire movie star with a life of excess and pleasure. But completely different bad things could have happened and I'd be worse off than I am now, or I'd be dead or a vegetable.

Only do "probably" to the extent that it aids learning. If you'd done X different, then probably something better would have happened- next time something X-like comes up, do it different and see if you get the better result. But don't spend more than a moment of time wishing something different had happened just so you wouldn't have to deal with how things are now. You can't go back and fix things, or "fix" yourself, or fix other people so they don't hurt you. All you can do is make the best choice you can from your current situation. Sometimes you won't make the best choice, or you'll make the best choice you could given the information you had, and it will still turn out wrong. Even if you don't like where you are, all you can do is keep trying to make the best choice you can. If you spend time worrying about stuff you can't change in the past, you're taking away from time you can spend to positively change your future, or time you can spend relaxing so you don't go nuts dealing with your present stresses.

[Inevitability]

This may be out of place, or answering this question may be against forum rules (if so, please ignore), but who or what is Darth Arminius, exactly, and what necessitates the apologies?

[Asmodean_]

This may be out of place, or answering this question may be against forum rules (if so, please ignore), but who or what is Darth Arminius, exactly, and what necessitates the apologies?
I second this question.

[dascarletm]

If you google the name you'll find a twitter account, a facebook page, and a youtube channel.

I assume they are talking about the facebook page because the twitter account has like 3 tweets, and the youtube channel looks like someone playing some random video games.

[lio45]

There's quite a number of Playgrounders with usernames "Darth Something".

Darth Barbie Doll, Darth Bunny, Darth Belkar, Darth Muffin, Darth Pink Hippo, Darth Yoda...

In fact, there are exactly 86 users here with "Darth" in their username as the time of this writing. No Darth Arminius, though.

edit - there's a Darth V and there's also a Darth V. who is a different user (as well as a Darth Suvie, speaking of Vs) but no one has yet dared to use the full Vader in 12+ years! I suppose no one felt they could live up to that username...

[Lentrax]

Darth Arminius was the username of a member, but they changed their screen name.

And I do not recall the specifics of needing to apologize, but it was apparently warranted enough to make a statement in the title.

[Dire Moose]

He was apologizing to me for personal reasons; details are toward the end of last thread.

[Inevitability]

He was apologizing to me for personal reasons; details are toward the end of last thread.

Oh. Yeah, I see what the apology was for now.

[Togath]

So I'm starting to have a breakdown from making ZERO progress on finding a house due to relying on my family due to lacking an income currently.
Any ideas? I'm the only one looking and the only one who seems to think we should get the furniture out BEFORE the end of the 72 hour notice that may or may not have been delivered by mail.
It's crushing me to have my life fall apart and everything feels like an insane nightmare. I don;t want to have to live with nothing in cold rainy November weather on the street.
But it's starting to look like I might face that(or, maybe, if I'm, really lucky, a cold car with a broken window).
Ideas for trying to hold it together?
Sorry for my grimness... It's... It's scary. Having my entire life fall to pieces through no fault of my own out of the blue.
Maybe there is some hope... It's just hard to have hope.

[CWater]

So I'm starting to have a breakdown from making ZERO progress on finding a house due to relying on my family due to lacking an income currently.
Any ideas? I'm the only one looking and the only one who seems to think we should get the furniture out BEFORE the end of the 72 hour notice that may or may not have been delivered by mail.
It's crushing me to have my life fall apart and everything feels like an insane nightmare. I don;t want to have to live with nothing in cold rainy November weather on the street.
But it's starting to look like I might face that(or, maybe, if I'm, really lucky, a cold car with a broken window).
Ideas for trying to hold it together?
Sorry for my grimness... It's... It's scary. Having my entire life fall to pieces through no fault of my own out of the blue.
Maybe there is some hope... It's just hard to have hope.

I don't really know what else to say other than that I'm very sorry to hear what you have to go through. :( But you are right, it's important never to give up hope, even when everything looks bleak.

I wish I had advice, but countries are different and I'm really not sure what one should do in your part of the world in this situation. Would there be any charity organizations in your area that you could turn to?

[Icewraith]

So I'm starting to have a breakdown from making ZERO progress on finding a house due to relying on my family due to lacking an income currently.
Any ideas? I'm the only one looking and the only one who seems to think we should get the furniture out BEFORE the end of the 72 hour notice that may or may not have been delivered by mail.
It's crushing me to have my life fall apart and everything feels like an insane nightmare. I don;t want to have to live with nothing in cold rainy November weather on the street.
But it's starting to look like I might face that(or, maybe, if I'm, really lucky, a cold car with a broken window).
Ideas for trying to hold it together?
Sorry for my grimness... It's... It's scary. Having my entire life fall to pieces through no fault of my own out of the blue.
Maybe there is some hope... It's just hard to have hope.

Are there homelessness prevention programs or similar you might be able to apply to? Local charities (also check out religious organizations even if you're not religious)? Homeless shelters? Auto glass repair/replacement shops? Welfare?

Do you have any RL friends whose couch you could crash on for a bit?

If you don't have an income, could you get one? Drive for Uber (if you get the window fixed)? Mechanical Turk? Tutor? Local service/retail?

Also, have you tried looking for room/housemates to split costs?

[Togath]

Sorry for my grimness.
My family's helped me calm down a bit(sadly, not really able to get a job currently, and can't drive. But things ARE looking up).

[lylsyly]

I can relate, if it wasn't for an old friend, my 58 yo butt would be out on the street. Just hang in there.

Hey man, stick to the plan,
and keep cool as you can.
Face piles of trials with smiles.
It riles them to believe
that you perceive
the webs they weave.
And keep on coping,
and hoping.

(about 5% me and 95% the Moody Blues, circa 69/70)

[Astrella]

This is a sweet trans-related Finnish ad. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_cx9ITLZQ8)

[AliceLost]

This is a sweet trans-related Finnish ad. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_cx9ITLZQ8)
Wow, that's... it's kinda depressing that the bar is so low that an ad simply representing trans folk as people, without making a joke or a big deal, feels so progressive, but here we are.
I'd love to see more representation like that in the media.

[Heliomance]

Oops.

So I just poked my ex (of four and a half years ago, well over her by now) on FB messenger, asking if she happens to remember where we found a particular recipe we made together one time, because I'd like to make it again. Then I scrolled back through our chat history - and found our breakup conversation. Now I have a wistful.

Also I've been single for four and a half years. That sucks.

[GrayGriffin]

I just had a conversation with my mom where I had to go back to the me of ten years ago to pretend I shared her homophobic views. Won't go into detail due to board rules, but let's just say that selective compassion can hurt more than outright hatred.

I need a hug.

[Nemirthel]

I just had a conversation with my mom where I had to go back to the me of ten years ago to pretend I shared her homophobic views. Won't go into detail due to board rules, but let's just say that selective compassion can hurt more than outright hatred.

I need a hug.

That... really sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[Ravens_cry]

I need a hug.
*offers GreyGriffin a hug* :smalleek:

[Comrade]

I just had a conversation with my mom where I had to go back to the me of ten years ago to pretend I shared her homophobic views. Won't go into detail due to board rules, but let's just say that selective compassion can hurt more than outright hatred.

I need a hug.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

[JNAProductions]

I just had a conversation with my mom where I had to go back to the me of ten years ago to pretend I shared her homophobic views. Won't go into detail due to board rules, but let's just say that selective compassion can hurt more than outright hatred.

I need a hug.

*Offers a lot of hugs, and cookies.*

[Coidzor]

Anybody happen to know how online dating services/sites tend to be with regards to trans people?

It's come up a few times over the history of this thread. IIRC, things have improved on several fronts since the last time it came up, like with OKCupid.

The general consensus that it heavily depends on the individual site, as with most things, should still hold true, though, instead of there being any real kind of general rule.

[Heliomance]

So this is a thing! (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1446648428693755&set=p.1446648428693755&type=3&theater)

In other news, I gave myself a sad. One of my friends on Facebook said "Nostalgia is a cis privilege", which really struck a chord, and I wrote this in response:


Absolutely. There's a particular photo that Mum's really fond of, from our family holiday to Australia - it's one of the last family photos we have before we started pairing off and leaving home and such, it's attached to memories of the holiday of a lifetime, we all look really happy, it's just all around a great photo. She likes it enough that she has a screen print of it hanging in her room.

The trouble is, it's from 2010, and I have a beard. I really don't like the fact that the best family photo we have doesn't show me as me, but there's no way we can take a replacement - we're different people now, my sister's married, we'll never have another holiday like that all together again. I can't take that photo away from her and I can't bear it myself.

And now I'm tearing up at work, over the fact that we don't have and never will have a really nice photo of me, my parents, and my siblings that actually shows me.

[Icewraith]

So this is a thing! (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1446648428693755&set=p.1446648428693755&type=3&theater)

In other news, I gave myself a sad. One of my friends on Facebook said "Nostalgia is a cis privilege", which really struck a chord, and I wrote this in response:



And now I'm tearing up at work, over the fact that we don't have and never will have a really nice photo of me, my parents, and my siblings that actually shows me.

Photoshop?

Alternatively, if you want new family photos, you should be able to figure out how to get everyone in one place. You just need enough time in advance to make sure everybody's schedule lines up. Major holidays, weddings, funerals, births, and vacations will be your allies. It might take a year or two, but it should be doable.

"Nostalgia is a cis privelege" ...aaaargh. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about that statement.


We've actually had a relevant conversation about our wedding photos with our trans friend (this was fairly early IIRC, her thinking may have evolved from this position). She wanted us to tell our kids, if they ever exist and happen to ask who the one guy is in our wedding party photos, that that person died.

Well... no, because that's not what happened.
We also want our kids to know that we're OK with her being trans. It'll come out at some point. I'm pretty sure we'll have taught our kids that being trans is somehow inherently bad or shameful if we were willing to lie to them about it. That'll also set a really bad precedent if one of our kids or one of their friends turns out to be trans.

Shared past experiences are most of the basis for all of my current friendships with people. I don't think that's a cis thing, I think that's how human relationships work. If suddenly all my past experiences with a person and the activities (I thought) we enjoyed together are now bad things she doesn't want to be reminded of, the basis for our friendship is mostly gone. The friendship isn't automatically over, but it's more like scavenging usable pieces from a destroyed house and building a new one than it is repairing a badly damaged house.

I feel like there should be some healthy way for trans people to have nostalgia. To acknowledge that's what you used to look like (distinct from that's who you were) without experiencing personal distress or pain.

However, speaking as someone with PTSD, I am also freely willing to admit that how we experience memories isn't always the way we want to or should be able to. Although come to think of it... if looking at pictures of the past automatically dredges up old fears, dysphoria, emotions, or other disagreeable memory-related things, some of the therapy available for people with anxiety related disorders might help reduce that.

[Dysole]

I feel that.

I know my mom didn't know what to do with all her old memories and photos and I hate that genuinely good memories can crop up on facebook and they're "tainted" by me getting reminded "Oh right, that's not really me." We don't have a family photo of me post transition. Maybe that'll change this holiday season. Hopefully it won't be too bumpy as my family has been generally supportive (mostly my mom, but my dad and brother haven't tried to make too big of a fuss out of their reservations), but a cryptic text message from my brother about needing to talk has me a bit on edge and I'm honestly not sure what to expect from that conversation.

[golentan]

So one of my oldest trans friends is having surgery next week.

On the one hand, I really wish him the best. On the other hand, my long running distaste for surgery in general is freaking me, the way it does when any of my friends or loved ones go under the knife. I viewed surgery in general (not talking about GRS, but everything from Dental Surgery to cancer Lumpectomies) as at best a necessary evil even before I started studying anesthesiology or saw my first patient die to complications. Usually, I'm mostly okay with it (my patients have been all animals, which doesn't bug me, and I'd rather someone take the risk of anesthesia and cutting than run the risk of death, permanent crippling injury or pain, etc.), but there have been no less than 7 surgical procedures pertaining to people I care about lately or coming up in the near future and I'm worried that someone won't wake up. And my trouble grokking dysphoria doesn't help in cases like this.

:smallsigh:

And it makes me feel like a bad ally when I realize that I'm probably going to have at least some sort of panic attack over the fact that people I love are getting treatment they need. Or that when and if Miraqariftsky takes that step, I may feel the urge to anesthetize myself with a bottle of wine or something until I'm sure she's gonna pull through okay. My dad's dental surgery was 2 weeks ago and I lost sleep over it and was tempted to grab a glass of something the night of, and oral surgery is way less invasive...

[GrayGriffin]

I mean, if surgery in general is what upsets you, I don't think that really makes you a bad trans ally. And honestly it's an understandable concern. I've never had surgery before, and quite frankly the idea does scare me a bit.

Oh, and thanks for the hugs, everybody. At least I didn't end up getting dragged to a protest...

[Miraqariftsky]

Koff. To anybody who can answer? Out of curiousity? WHY is this called the Darth Arminius Apology Thread?


This is a sweet trans-related Finnish ad. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_cx9ITLZQ8)
Thanks for sharing that, ma'am. Crying now.

There weren't any subtitles, but the craftsmanship still conveys the meaning sufficiently. Friggin' crying. And, if I might share, I had a Finnish friend and ally and I can corroborate from his testimony, peace be upon him, that, yes, Finnish society isn't very LGBT-friendly.

May I ask, though? The gift--- What the heck was it? A pair of... hair-curlers?

Well, the material gift. We know that the true gift in that scene is something far more precious than some mere beauty-care product.


Wow, that's... it's kinda depressing that the bar is so low that an ad simply representing trans folk as people, without making a joke or a big deal, feels so progressive, but here we are.
I'd love to see more representation like that in the media.
Agreed on all counts, comrade. But hey, this is OUR struggle. Continue striving, continue fighting! Onwards!


Oops.

So I just poked my ex (of four and a half years ago, well over her by now) on FB messenger, asking if she happens to remember where we found a particular recipe we made together one time, because I'd like to make it again. Then I scrolled back through our chat history - and found our breakup conversation. Now I have a wistful.

Also I've been single for four and a half years. That sucks.
Sorrytahear...
...and don't worry, ma'am. You'll get there. Lady as kind and intelligent and beautiful as you, undoubtedly you'll get a partner whom you deserve, eventually.


I just had a conversation with my mom where I had to go back to the me of ten years ago to pretend I shared her homophobic views. Won't go into detail due to board rules, but let's just say that selective compassion can hurt more than outright hatred.

I need a hug.
Sorrytahear. ~huuuuuuuug~

FRIGGIN" FAMILY. Tsk.


Anybody happen to know how online dating services/sites tend to be with regards to trans people?
Sorry, don't know enough of that stuff to render decent input.

Good luck to ye, though!


So this is a thing! (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1446648428693755&set=p.1446648428693755&type=3&theater)

In other news, I gave myself a sad. One of my friends on Facebook said "Nostalgia is a cis privilege", which really struck a chord, and I wrote this in response:

And now I'm tearing up at work, over the fact that we don't have and never will have a really nice photo of me, my parents, and my siblings that actually shows me.
GOOD FER "EM, THEN!

Yes, agreed with you. And yes, I cry with you there.

Something similar from my end? I've always wanted to draw a really good, really happy family portrait. Have yet to muster the strength and courage to do so.


Photoshop?

Alternatively, if you want new family photos, you should be able to figure out how to get everyone in one place. You just need enough time in advance to make sure everybody's schedule lines up. Major holidays, weddings, funerals, births, and vacations will be your allies. It might take a year or two, but it should be doable.

"Nostalgia is a cis privelege" ...aaaargh. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about that statement.


We've actually had a relevant conversation about our wedding photos with our trans friend (this was fairly early IIRC, her thinking may have evolved from this position). She wanted us to tell our kids, if they ever exist and happen to ask who the one guy is in our wedding party photos, that that person died.

Well... no, because that's not what happened.
We also want our kids to know that we're OK with her being trans. It'll come out at some point. I'm pretty sure we'll have taught our kids that being trans is somehow inherently bad or shameful if we were willing to lie to them about it. That'll also set a really bad precedent if one of our kids or one of their friends turns out to be trans.

Shared past experiences are most of the basis for all of my current friendships with people. I don't think that's a cis thing, I think that's how human relationships work. If suddenly all my past experiences with a person and the activities (I thought) we enjoyed together are now bad things she doesn't want to be reminded of, the basis for our friendship is mostly gone. The friendship isn't automatically over, but it's more like scavenging usable pieces from a destroyed house and building a new one than it is repairing a badly damaged house.

I feel like there should be some healthy way for trans people to have nostalgia. To acknowledge that's what you used to look like (distinct from that's who you were) without experiencing personal distress or pain.

However, speaking as someone with PTSD, I am also freely willing to admit that how we experience memories isn't always the way we want to or should be able to. Although come to think of it... if looking at pictures of the past automatically dredges up old fears, dysphoria, emotions, or other disagreeable memory-related things, some of the therapy available for people with anxiety related disorders might help reduce that.


Good advice all around, these!


I feel that.

I know my mom didn't know what to do with all her old memories and photos and I hate that genuinely good memories can crop up on facebook and they're "tainted" by me getting reminded "Oh right, that's not really me." We don't have a family photo of me post transition. Maybe that'll change this holiday season. Hopefully it won't be too bumpy as my family has been generally supportive (mostly my mom, but my dad and brother haven't tried to make too big of a fuss out of their reservations), but a cryptic text message from my brother about needing to talk has me a bit on edge and I'm honestly not sure what to expect from that conversation.
And I feel ya there, comrade.

Koff. There's a reason I make it a point to keep away from family on social media.

But hey! Your family sounds pretty nice! Good fer ye!

And good luck with yer brother, then.


So one of my oldest trans friends is having surgery next week.

On the one hand, I really wish him the best. On the other hand, my long running distaste for surgery in general is freaking me, the way it does when any of my friends or loved ones go under the knife. I viewed surgery in general (not talking about GRS, but everything from Dental Surgery to cancer Lumpectomies) as at best a necessary evil even before I started studying anesthesiology or saw my first patient die to complications. Usually, I'm mostly okay with it (my patients have been all animals, which doesn't bug me, and I'd rather someone take the risk of anesthesia and cutting than run the risk of death, permanent crippling injury or pain, etc.), but there have been no less than 7 surgical procedures pertaining to people I care about lately or coming up in the near future and I'm worried that someone won't wake up. And my trouble grokking dysphoria doesn't help in cases like this.

:smallsigh:

And it makes me feel like a bad ally when I realize that I'm probably going to have at least some sort of panic attack over the fact that people I love are getting treatment they need. Or that when and if Miraqariftsky takes that step, I may feel the urge to anesthetize myself with a bottle of wine or something until I'm sure she's gonna pull through okay. My dad's dental surgery was 2 weeks ago and I lost sleep over it and was tempted to grab a glass of something the night of, and oral surgery is way less invasive...

Gooooood luck to him, then, dearest.

Sorrytahear of the troubles, dearest. And hey. You know you have me with you on these as with everything, beloved. Worry not, beloved.

Do these things HAVE to go all the way? CAN they just do partial anesthesia?

Koff. Pretty sure you've heard of the time I took a stab to the hand, right? Bled across several flights of stairs and corridors (partly minimized due to "keeping it raised" and "keeping pressure") and had the school nurse operate on me right then and there, took several stitches, no anesthesia whatsoever. Felt mostly fine and dandy throughout.


I mean, if surgery in general is what upsets you, I don't think that really makes you a bad trans ally. And honestly it's an understandable concern. I've never had surgery before, and quite frankly the idea does scare me a bit.

Oh, and thanks for the hugs, everybody. At least I didn't end up getting dragged to a protest...
Yep, yep and yep.

To a... protest? A protest... against... trans-folk? Hwat?

[noparlpf]

So one of my oldest trans friends is having surgery next week.

On the one hand, I really wish him the best. On the other hand, my long running distaste for surgery in general is freaking me, the way it does when any of my friends or loved ones go under the knife. I viewed surgery in general (not talking about GRS, but everything from Dental Surgery to cancer Lumpectomies) as at best a necessary evil even before I started studying anesthesiology or saw my first patient die to complications. Usually, I'm mostly okay with it (my patients have been all animals, which doesn't bug me, and I'd rather someone take the risk of anesthesia and cutting than run the risk of death, permanent crippling injury or pain, etc.), but there have been no less than 7 surgical procedures pertaining to people I care about lately or coming up in the near future and I'm worried that someone won't wake up. And my trouble grokking dysphoria doesn't help in cases like this.

:smallsigh:

And it makes me feel like a bad ally when I realize that I'm probably going to have at least some sort of panic attack over the fact that people I love are getting treatment they need. Or that when and if Miraqariftsky takes that step, I may feel the urge to anesthetize myself with a bottle of wine or something until I'm sure she's gonna pull through okay. My dad's dental surgery was 2 weeks ago and I lost sleep over it and was tempted to grab a glass of something the night of, and oral surgery is way less invasive...

You don't have anything to feel bad about. Having an actual phobia doesn't make you a bad ally, especially when it extends to all surgeries and not just [whatever we're all calling it now, gender confirmation surgery? I haven't been keeping up with the vernacular]. And because you're able to (at least intellectually) acknowledge that it's something that will be better long-term. But I know that telling somebody with an anxiety issue not to worry about their anxiety issue is kinda pointless, so I'm not going to belabor it. I'll just offer sympathy and e-hugs instead. If you want to talk about it more feel free to PM me.

[GrayGriffin]

Yep, yep and yep.

To a... protest? A protest... against... trans-folk? Hwat?

I don't know if it's been mentioned here, but recently Taiwan has been pushing for gay marriage to become legal here. And I'm currently in Taiwan for work, staying at my parents for the weekends. I hope you can put the pieces together.

[Grytorm]

Miraqariftsky, hooray. Good to see you again.

[Astrella]

Belgium is making it possible to get your legal gender changed without a requirement of surgery, which is a great step forward. :)

[Lentrax]

I am tired. I am tired of working for the stupid idiots we can managers. I am tired of dealing with people who ask about the same thing three different ways to see if I am just lying to them. I am tired of people asking me what I want for birthdays, for Christmas. I am tired of explaining to them that holidays and special occasions lost their meanings a long time ago.

I am tired of hating myself, even though that burning hatred is all that keeps me going some days. I am tired of everyone I know not wanting anything to do with me. I hate being in a relationship where I am so hated I don't get any physical contact, but it's passed off on illness.

I am tired of me.

I am tired of suffering.

I am tired.

I'm going to try and sleep. I just I still had hope that thjngs could be better tomorrow.

[JNAProductions]

I am tired. I am tired of working for the stupid idiots we can managers. I am tired of dealing with people who ask about the same thing three different ways to see if I am just lying to them. I am tired of people asking me what I want for birthdays, for Christmas. I am tired of explaining to them that holidays and special occasions lost their meanings a long time ago.

I am tired of hating myself, even though that burning hatred is all that keeps me going some days. I am tired of everyone I know not wanting anything to do with me. I hate being in a relationship where I am so hated I don't get any physical contact, but it's passed off on illness.

I am tired of me.

I am tired of suffering.

I am tired.

I'm going to try and sleep. I just I still had hope that thjngs could be better tomorrow.

*Offers you hugs*

I'm sorry to hear that, and if there's anything I can do to help make it better, please just let me know, whether by PM or posting here.

We care about you here, and want you to be happy.

[golentan]

I am tired. I am tired of working for the stupid idiots we can managers. I am tired of dealing with people who ask about the same thing three different ways to see if I am just lying to them. I am tired of people asking me what I want for birthdays, for Christmas. I am tired of explaining to them that holidays and special occasions lost their meanings a long time ago.

I am tired of hating myself, even though that burning hatred is all that keeps me going some days. I am tired of everyone I know not wanting anything to do with me. I hate being in a relationship where I am so hated I don't get any physical contact, but it's passed off on illness.

I am tired of me.

I am tired of suffering.

I am tired.

I'm going to try and sleep. I just I still had hope that thjngs could be better tomorrow.

Please be safe, lentrax. If there's anything I can do to help, feel free to ask.