My Little Pony IV: Friendship is Sufficiently Advanced Technology

[Trobby]

@^: I didn't think of that myself...but that's a good point. :o Well done, fellow critic.

Okay, here goes my comments on Chapter 3 of "Fair Feather Friend"'s rough draft. I've put comments on each 'section' of the story, to better help you smooth out the edges.

Fair Feather Friend
Chapter 3
By Bobcat
Note: Thanks again to everyone at Equestria Daily, and also to everyone who I know personally and at the Giants in the Playground forum who helped beta-read this fic for me.

Spoiler

Show

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I feel like Sweetie Belle would try to resist her sister’s caregiving just a little more. Particularly being doted over so much, even in her state of sickness. Though I DO love the fact that the Cutie Mark Crusader Sushi Chef plan came back in this part to rear its ugly head again. I wonder how many readers will remember that?

Also, unless you want Rarity to look like she holds her sister in low regard, you should say that it’s “Hard to hold her record of thievery and mischief over her when she looked so pathetic, rather than was so pathetic. The latter implies that she’s always like this, which I don’t think is what you mean.

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…Sand worms? As Twilight would say, I don’t get it. ._. Also, Dash should probably say “I just want to buy something”. Pedantic yes, but I’m Mr. Padanticy Pants.

There’s also a long stretch of “Rarity says/Dash says”, which isn’t too bad, but might throw some people off a bit. It only happens a few times, so it’s not a bid deal. Just try to put a little more description into their lines, such as whether or not they’re looking at the other pony while talking, or if there’s a hint of annoyance in their voice. Though I get the feeling this is just a stand-in for you to fill with better description later, since your one line, “Rainbow Dash said laughed in her head.”, doesn’t make any sense otherwise.
And an outright typo: “You won't get a better price is town, since that's pretty much selling them at cost."” You’ll want to correct that one.

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Um…Angel Bunny and…toilet paper? That’s kind of a weird thing for a bunny to be concerned about. Even in this magical world. Maybe ESPECIALLY in this magical world. Maybe try something else? Like store brand carrots?

Another typo: Just as Fluttershy was about to check the clock again (she wasn't worried, since Rarity was often a little late) when Rainbow Dash

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No problems here. Though I LOVE the canonization of Pinkie’s supernatural ability to detect secret spilling.
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Nothing really to say here. Though against my better judgement, I actually feel like I should ENCOURAGE you to add an exclamation mark after nearly all of Pinkie’s lines. She just doesn’t strike me as a pony with any indoor voice. Ever.
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The transition from narration to dialogue at the end here is just a tad strange, but only slightly. No real problems here.
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…No comment. Except that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WAY YOU DO RAINBOW DASH’S IMAGINATION! <3<3<3 It's so delightfully absurd and exaggerated.

…Oh, and you should probably make this whole section italicized, to avoid confusion over whether or not this is actually happening. Granted it becomes REALLY obvious right at the start, but the visual cue of “this is a dream/imagination sequence” would help.

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…I said d’aww so many times here I lost count.

I feel like the last sentence is a little weak though. This is a HUGE moment for Rainbow Dash. It seems like a really tiny payoff for all she’s done, and I’d like to think that RD at least considers this to be a huge deal, after all that she’s invested into Baron Awesome.

*starts reading the next passage* …Ah. I see. Very clever. You wind this round, Darthbobcat.

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Hah…Rainbow Dash admiring herself in the mirror…both something she’d never do, and yet something that seems totally in-character for her in this specific circumstance.

I wonder now, at the end of this part, how much longer RD is going to go on with keeping her pet-holding a secret…it feels like Part 4 is going to introduce some form of conflict, but I can’t really guess what it’s going to be yet. Maybe Dash is fed up with giving up so much of her free time to taking care of her pet? Maybe Baron Awesome is getting lonely and Dash is picking up on her pet’s displeasure? Maybe she actually DOES get a date because of the incredible makeover that she got?

Maybe The Giggler has developed a new chemical that makes all the fish in the river giggle like crazy, and it’s up to Rainbow Dash and Baron Awesome to put a stop to her silliness?

I hope my comments help, and I really have to say that I love your writing style. Keep writing!

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End Part 3
To Be Continued

And it apparently took me so long that you've already made other edits to your story. X_X RE-READING TIME.



Edit In: And also a review for Lix! @_@;

This is a more general suggestion for her though. It's a good story, but you might want to include a little more description in what each pony does while they speak. It'll help emphasize the mood they have when they're doing a certain thing.

Other than that? It seems like a great fic. More of a friendship than a shipping fic though, so probably not going under the [Shipping] tag.