D&D Snippets

[Lady Moreta]

The Host of a Thousand Princes
Part Three

I enjoyed the first half of this more than the second... but it's still fantastic.

The circle can barely be called a circle any more; more sorcerers are on the ground than there are standing, many of them dead, others clinging onto life by the thinnest of threads. The remaining members of the Ashen Court present for the ritual sway dangerously, chanting in pained monotones as blood oozes from their eyes, their ears, their noses, their mouths, pooling at their feet and running in slow rivers towards the center of the circle.

This is possibly one of the most disturbing things I have ever read. You actually had me staring at the computer screen saying "Oh that's gross! Ewww. Yuck!" I rarely talk to my books. Well done sir. And because I know you like details, it was the litany/list of the various places blood was oozing from that got me.

Very quietly, the blood begins to freeze over. The girl with the stained glass hair doesn't even notice.

Just like she doesn't notice the bleeding stop.

Creeeepppyyy... Here I think it's the quiet, understated way you write this. The fighting with the goblins is given more time, more description. This is just a simple statement of fact - so simple that even she doesn't notice it. It's so understated it's just about screaming

Natasha laughs prettily, "General, if this is going to be my last act on Earth, I'm going to do it in style."

This just made me laugh

"STAND AND FACE ME, COWARD!" she screams, her voice rending the air and sending goblins and loyalists flying from the shockwave of its passing. The storm above strikes her with lightning and she drinks it in, her skin rippling with raw power. The Knight of the Shattered Laugh charges her, lie-tipped lance lowered, and she stares it down as he charges, the air around her crackling with contained energy.

Lie-tipped lance? As in tipped with lies? as in untruths? fascinating concept, but if that's not what you meant then I'm confused. Also got a little confused because I was thinking the knight was who she was talking to... then she killed him. But it's explained later on, so no biggie

There is a flash of light just before the Knight impacts, and he and his steed simply cease existing.

I honestly think 'cease to exist' reads better here

The ranks of the Host part, and striding forth from them is a tall, thin man garbed in shimmering light. His blades are made of leashed lightning and his deep hood conceals a face forged from shimmering light. Wordlessly, he holds one of his blades up, and communicates with Jillian with a pulse of shimmering light.

My only problem here is your overuse of the word 'shimmering' - unless it has some special world-specific meaning, I would say go change at least one of them (probably the last one) to some other word. It's a bit repetitive as it stands.

"No!" she snarls. "This. Ends. NOW!"

Beautifully done

When the first of the cat-faced goblins shows itself, she slits its throat with a quick, quiet motion, her strength quietly rebuilding itself as the ice creeps into her veins. She pushes the corpse into its fellows while they are still on the stairs and skips and slides after it, never noticing the ice that follows in her wake like a cloak.

She is still freaking me out. In fact, I think I like Winter's parts here the most - it's so quiet and understated, but you just get the feeling that it's going to end up being the most important thing of all...

Spring

Far behind their queen, the warriors of Summer hold themselves in a ragged circle, fighting desperately to hold the forces of the Host back. A young boy with cat's eyes and small talons claws desperately at the goblins that pour at him in and endless tide, terror starting to overcome his ferocity.

The Darkling grins like a mad thing as her fellow Spring courtiers whoop and holler battle cries. A slight distance away, the whup-whup-whup of combat choppers can be heard over the music.

Natasha seizes a microphone, her voice being projected over the sounds of Wagner as she addresses the mortals she has conscripted and the flagging warriors of Summer.[/quote]

This whole section confuses me... are we talking about Spring or Summer here? I thought Natasha was fighting on the side of Spring, so why is she addressing the warriors of Summer? and why do we care about them if this is Spring's section? It doesn't make any sense.

Time and again the Gentry tries to use his magics against Jillian, only to feel his power over light and lightning blocked and drained away by her counter-magics. He grows desperate as her hungry axes, their heads made from hand-forged iron, get closer and closer to him. He does the only thing he can think to do - he becomes living lightning.

I liked this paragraph... I like how you mention that his power is being blocked by her, and then he becomes living lightning. As soon as I read that I went "Oh, that was a bad idea." Very well written.

Overall this was excellent as usual just a few things that didn't quite make sense to me (which once again, may be the result of not being familiar with the world).

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go plug this into the charger before my battery runs out...