Personal Woes and Advice 2

[MonkeyBusiness]

Cobra,
For starters, I had no idea you were in med school, and I liked you just fine then. I like you the same amount now. Yes, yes, I know that's not exactly what you meant. But you take my point, too, I hope.

*hugs tight* Failing always feels bad, and one of the things that makes it worse it worrying about what others will think of you as a result. The other thing that makes it worse is not knowing what you will do next, because med school was a big piece of your time, mental focus, and identity.

Let's talk about the second one first, because it is more important. I get the idea that med school was ... not entirely your choice? Is that right?

As Castaras wisely points out, you are now free to do what you want, to try something new. What will that be? What will *you* choose?

Follow your passion, whether that means going back to school, or joining the Peace Corps, or working as a cocktail waiter in Vegas. Do what you want. I know that is harder than it sounds (I am myself doing What I Want, and it is not easy to acchieve, or even always fun) but do what you can and kkeep looking for the next opportunity.

As for your dad. Well. Monkey knows you love him, and I am sure he loves you and is a good person. But may I say that Monkey also is Not Impressed by people who try to do that whole deathbed emotional manipulation thing. My mother tried this on me and my sisters when she was dying of pancreatic cancer, and I really wish she had overcome that temptation because it really left me with some angry memories.

My suggestion, if you can do this (and boy is it hard, so I won't blame you one smidgeon if you leave this gaunlet on the ground) my suggestion, I say, is to first verify that what you *heard* your dad say is what he *intended* to say. I don't know your relationship with him, or how well you two communicate.

If you did indeed accurately receive that rather unsupportive message, then it might be good to point out to dad that (1) you will follow your heart and define "success" for yourself, (2) his death does not put you on any kind of a schedule for "success", and (3) while you understand that he wants to know you'll be all right when he is gone, *your* concern is that you'll have loving memories when he is gone, and his comments don't really help that goal.

"Success", even when we define it for ourselves, is so elusive we are never really certain we've caught it. So the best thing to do is take care of yourself and love your life -- and the people in it -- as much as possible. In this Monkey's opinion, that is a good way too live, and the only way to avoid most regrets.

Can I ask you to go re-read the second point? And maybe write it on your hand? You are not under any kind of schedule to "prove" yourself or "succeed". I'm sorry your dad is dying, I truly am. That does not put you under any obligation. Or schedule. It does mean that this is your chance to try to form a positive bond before he goes. If that turns out to be impossible, it is your chance to tell yourself to do what is right for *you*. That is really, really hard to do, but essential.

Take care, dear one, and keep us posted.


Draconi,

Oh dear, that sounds unpleasant. Yes, distraction willl help, but one cannot be distracted all the time.

One thing that helps me is to purge the emotion. Listening to loud angry music, jumping around and yelling (make sure no-one else is home), or working out can all help.

Once you've managed to exhaust some of your anger physically, make yourself change focus when you start to dwell obsessively on it. Tell yourself to stop, and redirect your thoughts. This is different from distracting yourself with people. It's not easy, but with practice it works.

I was this angry at someone who wronged me, so I feel for you. Anger of that magnitude is like chronic pain: awful to experience, overwhelming, and even debilitating. It fill the whole world, and blocks out everything else. It is exhausting. That's why it is essential not to let it control your life.

Easier said than done, right? For me, a piece of conquering the cognitive loop of anger was to figure out how I felt wronged. Since I lost my job due to this person's manipulation (and nepotism in the workplace that shielded her) part of my hate and anger came from my fear and grief from losing work that mattered to me, at a time when I was financially and emotionally vulnerable to begin with. Finding another (better) job in the same field helped that tremendously.

Another thing that made me feel bad was knowing I could not fight back. (I had zero financial and emotional resources for legal action. I made the right choice to let that go, but it made me feel as if I was "letting her walk all over me". That's a bad feeling.

Sadly, for me, that just took time to resolve. I got lots of practice, meanwhile, at intentionally letting go of my anger. I had to remind myself the anger would hurt me, not her. I bring it up because when an altercation or betrayal happens on the internet, the only way to deal with it is to walk away, and that can feel like "defeat" or "giving in". It is not, but it feels that way.

Weird thing about anger: we feel as if we hang onto it, righteously, somehow it will burn the object of our hate. That has yet to work for me, and I doubt it works for anyone else.

Where was I? Oh yeah ... Anger can also be nudged out by other emotions. This is a subtle difference from distracting yourself with activities and people. For example, if you use angry music to purge some of the anger you feel, don't stop there. play more music that will make you feel calm or happy or silly ... you decide. When you get rid of anger, it is essential to replace it with some other feeling. I find humor helps me more than anything. The songs of Weird Al and Tom Lehrer keep me in a good mood. Stand-up comedians and The Muppets keep my anger at bay.

Whew! Hope that wasn't too much advice! And hope some of it is useful.









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