I haven't posted in here in like forever.
I haven't really posted in the Playground very much lately, either, and so I feel so ridiculous and selfish and whatever other word you want to use concerning the need to talk about this.
And, boy, is it ever a long, long story.
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If there's anyone who frequents this thread who also attends the JC meetup, you know who I'm talking about, since I brought Logan along for the ride. You might as well skip the blow by blow of our relationship, since you've seen the mechanics of it.

So, February of 2011, I break up with a Playgrounder. Nice guy, first time I've really cared for someone strongly since highschool, it just didn't work out, etc etc.

I, being young and silly and thinking the best way over heartache of realizing love itself doesn't just fix anything, reactivate my old OKCupid account.
And the next few weeks is nothing but first dates after first dates until I get a message from Logan.
Logan was like that person in highschool I knew of but didn't KNOW. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, but everyone knew who he was, because he was freakishly tall and had super long hair and his dad owns the only decent gaming/comic shop in town.
His message was just one line "Hey, you're Nicole, aren't you?"
It went crazy from there.

As a friend said to me the other day, the one who has the more intense feelings in a relationship is the one without control. I have always, always been the one in control- I have always had a reign on my emotions when I'm with someone. I have always been level-headed, and I've always known that if the relationship I was in ended, I'd be fine.
I hate to sound stuck up and vain and full of myself, but there's always a line waiting for me.

This was not the case with Logan, and it was clearly not reciprocated, so, panicked, our relationship lasted a month.
Nothing was good enough for a while after that, and then I met Ryan.
Ryan was slightly older, calm and kind. And that lasted six months, because, to be frankly honest, he was boring. I've dated men older than him who wanted to do more, who had bigger aspirations.
Somewhere in that six months, Logan and I began to hang out as friends.
That's it. Nothing more.
We talked about everything- all the things I didn't know when we were dating. All of his emotions and what made him tick, and he went on and on about having feelings for his ex girlfriend Maggie.
When I broke up with Ryan, I immediately went to hang out with Logan. And it was cool. It was fine.

I was on OkCupid again within the week, and there were multiple dates- atleast one everyday, and then there were two days where I had three or so all in a day.
And then another one of Logan's group contacts me and we agree to meet up that Saturday.
Thursday, Logan confesses to still having feelings for me, that his talks about Maggie were really about me- a way to complain about me to me.

It was days until we were together again.

And, at first, it was fantastic. Texting constantly when he wasn't with me- which wasn't very often. Flowers and kisses and time seemed to pass so quickly.


Its hard to know where to start with the problems. A lot of people assume the real problem lays in the fact our relationship is gender reversed. I pay for 80 percent of the dates, I take care of him in the way a man is culturally expected to take care of a woman. I walk him through his issues, help him with his problems, make him feel safe because, in the end, Logan is terrified and stressed and sad all the time.
And I like it like this- I like being the...I don't want to say "strong one", but I liked that I was useful, I liked feeling like I was needed and someone good for him to have around.
All I wanted in return was affection and love, and, for a while, it was freely given to me- I was showered in love and hugs and cuddles.
I became very convinced this was it- Logan was, as the shippers in fandoms and such say, my "end game".

But things started getting weird when his friend Mike came home from college. And I don't think he's entirely to blame, especially not at first, but he certainly didn't help as things went on.
First, Logan lost his wallet in my room on his birthday (he was sick from drinking so much and I had taken him home, let him throw up in my waste basket, dressed him in shorts and a tshirt, gave him a glass of water and ibuprofen and let him sleep in my bed). We searched high and low and couldn't find it, until, weeks later, I was digging around.
It was open on my floor.
There was a picture of a girl.
It wasn't me.
When I asked him, all he said was that it was an ex (no name given), and I, after some time, calmed down. Maybe he had just forgotten it was there? Multiples of my guy friends supported this theory. It is, apparantly, common to forget something like that is in your wallet.
Fast forward to the meetup, and Logan is going to do the ropes course with Hippie and hands me his gages for his ears, his keys, and his wallet. Its a new one- he replaced the big, lumpy Green Lantern one for a nice, slim, leather OKC Thunder.
For the first time in months, I remember the picture of the ex girlfriend, and curiosity overwhelms me. I can't help but look through (and I hate myself for my distrust) and the picture is still in there. Panic comes back, full force, and I am pumped with adrenaline.
What do I do? I am far from home, halfway through the weekend, and there's still an awfully long drive home. As my friend Crystal and Zeb point out, approaching him about it then is probably not the best idea.
But I do anyways because I'm not smart. A fight does not break out over it- nothing is really said except that I know its there, and I know that he had to intentionally move it, and I don't understand.
He shrugs.
Later, he tells me he tore it up and threw it away. I kiss his forehead and tell him I'm sorry I was mad.

So we come home after the meetup and things are fantastic. Things are freaking great. He brings me flowers again and we spend ridiculous amounts of time together. We had been in a bit of a slump before the meetup, but it is exactly like it was in the beginning.
And then, one Saturday night, when I had a friend spending the night, I get a text from my friend Stratton.
Stratton is a friend of mine from years back, but he's known Logan since they were kids. He and Dex and Mike.
All of them had been spending the weekend at Mike's while his parents were out of town.
Stratton tells me that, the night before, when they were all trashed, Logan had admitted to having a huge crush on Mike's sister.

I feel like I need to point out several things before I go on to say what happened next. I am usually in possession of fiery temper, as I'm sure some of you know. But, Logan? He calms me. There are dozens of times I can remember when I could have been (and probably SHOULD have been) mad at Logan. He sleeps through our plans often, he on occasion blows me off for friends to the point he forgot when my birthday was and made plans that conflicted with the ones we had made previously (though he cancelled those as soon as I reminded him), he mentions sexual relations with other girls from the past from time to time.
I swallow it all, because I love him.

So, I've been drinking, and I get this text message, and I flip. I call Logan up and tell him if he has such feelings for another girl, we're done, and he can go pursue her if he wants.
That is when everything hits the fan.
I don't hear from him for two days, and, when finally I do get him to come over and talk, I apologize endlessly, and he still breaks up with me. He cries and cries and I hold him and tell him it will be okay- note that this is me consoling him over breaking up with me. I assure him that there will be a pretty girl who won't over react to these kinds of things and he'll meet her and fall in love and it will be okay.
And all the time, I am holding in my own sobs, because I desperately want to be the one for him, and I'm worried about who will help him, because his parents don't and his friends who he loves to death don't really give a rats ass about him so long as he's good to bring booze and get drunk with them.
He spends the night because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I let him leave, and, in the morning, he does just that.
By three in the afternoon, he's telling me he made the worst mistake of his life, and that he loves me, and that he can't imagine what his life would be like without me.
There's a week of goodness. Of perfection and sweetness that only comes after a makeup.

And then...things get weird. He doesn't text me, we don't hang out unless its me asking first. When we're together, he's quiet. I tell him I love him, and he's hesitant when he answers.
He spends 90 percent of his time when he's not working with his friend Mike, who, I've been informed by several neutral parties, is not fond of me. From what I've been told, he frequently states that he thinks I am incapable of controlling my emotions, and he wants Logan to be single so they can go pick up chicks at the bar.
I am terrified he has talked Logan out of me.

Yesterday, I sent him a text asking if we could talk today. He said, exactly "Yesh, but I have to mow the lawn for my parents so it will be after that."
No nervousness. Nothing.

I am scared, but I feel like I need to establish myself and my needs and my wants. I'm not sure what to say, and I'm terrified I'll chicken out.

I just have never felt this way for anyone before, and I'm scared.