I had a
great summer. The weather was great, I did all the things I wanted to do, I was feeling great, I was having a good time. I went through the summer with the attitude that I wasn't going to give a single frig what people thought, I was just going to enjoy myself.
That's fading. I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling kind of down lately. There are a few internal and external factors I can recognize, but they don't seem to be that important, because they're really no different than the summer. For example:
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I play in a band, nothing too serious, weekend warrior stuff. We play on average maybe a show a month, though we'd like to do more. Back in April, I had a cold, and was on the mend, when we played a gig. I blew out my throat. Full-on laryngitis after the show and for days following. We had to cancel a second show because I simply could not perform. Took some time off, recovered, played another couple shows and it was almost as bad. We took an extended break and I've been recovering. I've gone to an ENT specialist who tells me I have dysphonia - I'm overworking the wrong muscles in my throat.
This really gets me down sometimes. I've been taking steps to alleviate it (drinking LOTS of water, trying to change my vocal style, changing songs to suit my range better), but I'm kind of afraid I'll never get it back. We'd like to play shows more often, but I simply can't do it. We've considered getting a new vocalist (I also play guitar), but I love singing as well. I have noticed some positive change lately, though. We've had some jam sessions and even played a couple shows, and while I could definitely notice the strain, I didn't lose my voice at any point, and I was able to hit the high end notes. So that's something. I'm just concerned this will be a lifelong issue now. I have another appointment, this time with a vocal analyst, October 1.
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Still single, haven't had a date in a year. Have met a couple interesting women, but no reciprocation. Yeah, it could be worse, but it's still a bit of a bummer. Maybe connected to the next point.
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Went to a party, drank too much, made an idiot of myself, got sick. The dreaded combination. Talking with my friend about this, she made 3 comments.
1. I'm obnoxious.
2. Because I try too hard.
3. Because I'm looking for attention.
I was kind of aware of #1, but #2 and #3 I hadn't really considered. I can see some merit in them. I suggested that it was just because I was drunk and hey, everyone does that once in a while, but she says that I am this way when sober, too, just not as extreme. And it wasn't just the one party. Seems like every time I go out I end up with annoying or angering someone. Sometimes I'm aware of it, other times not so much.
This is basically my best friend I'm talking about, so I take her observations pretty seriously. It sort of hit me that I've become that guy. You know, the one that shows up at your party, acts like an idiot and annoys everyone, then has to be helped home. I HATE that guy.
Of course, now I've been thinking about it all the time, and it's colouring everything I do. Everything. I'm trying to be more reserved, because I don't want to come off as that guy. Thinking about my musical pursuits, I start to wonder if it's just attention seeking. I don't want to go out any more, because I think I'll either tick someone off or mope in the corner all night. Even posting this I thought "am I just seeking attention?" even though the forum is a faceless bunch of entities to me, for the most part. Maybe I am, I don't even know. I don't normally like to air my laundry to a bunch of strangers. I can see how it's affecting my behaviour, my mood, the way I dress, whether or not I bother to style my hair or shave in the morning, and I wonder if other people notice it too.
Maybe it's not such a BAD thing if it affects my behaviour. I guess I could stand to cut back on the booze when I'm out. Set a hard cap for myself at 2 or 3 drinks and not go past that. That's kind of the point, right, to check myself (before I wreck myself)? To not "try to hard." But I guess there's a difference between not trying too hard and not trying at all, so I'll have to find some balance there. I've been trying in the past 5 years or so to sort of change for the better. It's been a marginal success. Some ways I know I'm better, others... well, some ways I've become worse. I guess that's the "real me" coming through.
But what the heck happened to summer me? Why can't I just say "I do not give one single solitary frig" and move on? Was that so bad? Well, maybe it was. After all: obnoxious. Sure it's great to enjoy myself, but I don't want to be a nuisance or burden to other people either.
Don't get me wrong, I realize this probably
sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually is. I'm not going to work in sweat pants or refusing to brush my teeth. I'm not avoiding everyone. I'm not depressed and I can still
decide to get in a good mood and get in a good mood, just maybe not as good as before. I'm just... just kind of bummed out. It's a mood swing, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, really, and certainly not pity. If you want to chip in, go ahead, I just had to expel some of this (and hope no one I know reads these forums!).
Originally Posted by prufock
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
