In the end the pair had taken to the woods for the night, burning through precious supplies and cursing the barbarian and I with a cranky orc and inquisitor.
Wow it took me a long time to figure out what you meant by this. I like gardens and the paths they may contain as much as the next guy, but this sentence really threw me for a loop. It's a really subtle problem, which is probably why it threw me so hard. You're talking about what they ended up doing the previous night. They're uncomfortable and generally unhappy, and you use the phrase "cursing the barbarian and I". What you mean (I'm pretty sure) is "and now, the barbarian and I are cursed with their presence", but given the tense and setting of the paragraph, it reads as "they sat around their campfire cursing our names." I'd split this out to make it clear that you're coming back to the (relative) present in your cursedness.
The orc grumbled loudly during our trek
We know vaguely that you're headed for the mine, but you haven't given us (unless I've forgotten) a description of how far it is; over what terrain, etc. Some knowledge of this would give "trek" some much-needed context.
Milo took it upon himself to make our walk doubly wretched.
Well, obviously.
His eyes would dart from Gar to Malakar to me as if he were inspecting us.
Just "darted", or something like "continually darted" to show repetition. "Would dart" is subjunctive.
“So how did you two sleep?” He snapped once, “’Cause you know, I’m feeling a little sore myself”
“So you’re from the south”
“Aren’t there, like, evil dragons in the south?”
“You’re a half-elf. Why do you hide your ears, half-elf? Are you hiding something?”
I thought this was a conversation at first. I like what you're doing here; I'm just having trouble figuring out a better way to make it clear that this isn't dialogue--maybe take out the paragraph breaks, and the structuring in the first one (the non-quoted part). You're also missing periods at the end of your quotes (you do this a lot, actually).
This went on for a good thirty minutes until we finally reached the mine.
Just my opinion, but I don't think half an hour qualifies as a trek (though they could have been trekking, I suppose; my standards are apparently different for those two versions of the word
)
We stood around awkwardly for a few minutes, knowing someone had to go in first but not wanting to upset each other.
Okay this is hilarious.
Goblins were not known for their cleanliness.
This line feels a little weak; it's like you're justifying these as being specifically Goblin signs by mentioning a thing that isn't present, that Goblins aren't known for. I don't think the line is necessary; without it the reader just assumes that filth and discarded meat indicated Goblin presence.
Milo insisted that Desna, his goddess of luck, would show us the right way. I had my doubts about how much a deity could possibly care about which direction we took, and they were not put to rest when the inquisitor pulled out a gold piece.
“Heads we go right, tales we go left” he muttered as he flipped the coin. We ended up going left. I knew there was no arguing with a man of faith.
This is a great moment. "Muttered" is the only thing that seems a bit weird; it has a connotation of him being unsure or embarassed, neither of which is appropriate for his character here.
I was just about to remark on how
fortunate we had been
Coming right after the religious luck discussion, this is a great opportunity for some snark.
The goblins came at us four at a time. There were certainly more, but the narrow walls of the mine prevented them from swarming us.
Lots of words to say what is essentially the first sentence plus the middle of the second sentence. That is, you're communicating "Narrow walls ==> only four at a time". Everything else can be left implicit.
I summoned my claws and prepared for combat.
I believe this is the first time we've seen these "claws", chronologically-speaking. Give them some description.
I slashed at the first one, scraping its face ineffectively. Milo drew his crossbow and finished the thing off before it could smack me with its tiny mace
Oh, level 1 misadventures. The situation is simultaneously desperate and pretty funny.
I had already been shot with several goblin arrows.
Out of character, I know what this means in-character--specifically, you've got to be just about on the verge of passing out. But that's not actually communicated here.
He roared with rage as he drew his curved blade and dove forward to slash through the first wave of goblins in a single, bloody swing.
Aaaand great cleave steals everyone else's thunder (for the next couple levels, anyway).
I waited respectfully for my companions to compose themselves before I knelt over the orc myself and began to collect his things.
Lol.
It was only then that it occurred to me that Milo and Malakar were glaring at me.
I was wondering.
“What are you doing?” Malakar managed, I was confused at how hurt he looked.
That comma is not the right punctuation. Technically you could put a semicolon there (two distinct, complete sentences), but really they should be separate sentences since they're separate thoughts.
“Taking his stuff?” I responded innocently
Lol again.
“Some respect for the dead would be appropriate, Kepesk.” Milo chided.
What, is Milo her mom? "Chided" is something you do to your family members, not the stranger who's looting your buddy's corpse.
tossing him the orc’s coin purse
Does he catch it? He's being all indignant; getting the dead man's coinpurse thrown at him should provoke some kind of reaction.
When I did so, however, I was immediately struck with what I could only describe as the most powerful and horrifying magic I had ever witnessed. Whispers flooded my mind, speaking over one another in languages that I did not understand. Mirth and anguish cut through me simultaneously and seemed to reflect off of each other endlessly. Hideous laughter chilled the blood in my veins and I began to shake with fear. I concentrated all of my will into identifying this magic, but it was from no tradition that I was familiar with. I could not even identify it as originating from any known plane of existence. My companions found me minutes later on the floor, clutching my head in my hands and muttering frantically.
Very nice description, though it strikes me as a bit odd that her first reaction to "OHGODTHEVOICES" is to try to identify the particular magical effect in place (as opposed to cowering on the floor like she does after that).
they were no match for Malakar’s barbarian rage
Oh man, more than one rage per day? So stroooong.
Isn't that just the way of these things, though.
I relayed the information to my companions with an admirable lack of sobbing.
Ahaha. Again, I love Kepesk's voice.
While we were inspecting the door, however, we failed to notice what had become of the bisected goblin. It’s top half hung in the air as if suspended on strings and it clutched its weapon unnaturally as its head lolled to one side. It swung at Milo, but missed.
“It’s being controlled,” Milo barked, “swing above its head, cut the strings.” Malakar did as he was told in his confusion, slicing some force above the goblin’s head and dropping it to the ground again. I hoped it stayed dead this time.
Okay, this is a really cool thing you've got going on here, but I have a couple of problems with it. First, you solve it instantly, which makes me think of that preposterous scene near the end of
Hackers where a virus comes up asking for a cookie and The Plague is like "you have to type 'COOKIE' to make it go away, obviously." Second, the characters give basically no attention to this half-Goblin (lol) puppet. It's a really weird, incredibly gruesome spectacle, yet there's no reaction to it at all. Why nottttttttt?
pulled a quarterstaff out of his backpack
That's some backpack. No surprise on Kepesk's part that he was keeping a quarterstaff in there?
“Damn. Hadn’t thought of that” the inquisitor muttered
The inquisitor hadn't thought about the alignment of the mysterious voice psychically commanding him to kill things?
“how about you? You seem to be the most… evil… person here. You do it.”
This guy's moral compass is signed S. Dali.
“Uh, sure. You set them up, I’ll knock them down” I answered, “with… evil I guess.”
Oh my god they're all adorable.
Finally the goblins broke the awkward interaction with violence.
For the first time in history, the subject of this sentence isn't "the PCs".
I tried to pick off the most wounded ones with a fairly weak lightning spell, but most of them dropped to Malakar’s blade or Milo’s crossbow before I had the chance.
I really like how discouraged/useless you've got her feeling throughout this whole scene.
“Uh, if I die in here…” I started, but thought better of it, “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Heheh. First, her voice is still great. Second, her unintentional double-meaning is completely hilarious.
“There was just some kind of rod in there,” I reported, waving the loot in the air, “I have no idea what it does.”
Oh, I thought she'd left it in the chest; it wasn't clear that she'd managed to remove the rod-plus-cloth in the midst of all those "would not budge" words. Maybe clarify that a bit.
“Well that was a waste” Malakar grumbled and sliced the strings on the tribute, sending the goblin tumbling to the ground. It was probably for the best that we didn’t leave this puppet master with any extra help from us.
No one questions who had set up the previous Goblin puppet?
We ventured into the stairway single file.
My only thought was "yeah, but what's your marching order??"
this man was certainly more powerful than we were equipped to deal with. Not even Malakar’s brute force could get us out of this place alive if we tried to fight him.
How do you know? For all the information you have, he might just be a lunatic who walked down here, found the mirrors, and started babbling to himself. If it's because of the magic you're sensing, that needs more elaboration--after all, you've only got a "hint" of that magic, and from the mirrors. There's nothing to suggest (beyond metagaming likelihood) that this guy is way over-CRed.
we would be dead in minutes.
If he's as powerful as you seem to think he is, it'll take much less time than that.
this was an item of the same terrifying energy as this man was invoking.
It is?
“Yes that one” I confirmed,
taking control of the conversation.
You're already controlling the conversation; "keeping control" or something to reflect (lol get it because mirrors) that fact would be a better choice here in my opinion.
I smacked the rod against my opposite palm to keep his attention,
the way one would to a dog with a stick.
Good visual;
very nice comparison, but the phrasing is really weird in the bolded part. The "to" doesn't make sense at all, and it sounds like the dog has the stick already.
The man in black nodded in agreement as he gestured once more to the mirror.
Because there is no way he could just have the barbarian's doppleganger trash the real party members and take the rod
we stepped through to the other side together, leaving my speechless companions behind.
Yeah, no kidding.
They were being attacked by the barbarian’s double, but I had no doubt they could handle it.
Oh yeah, there we go. I can't tell if Kepesk's being sarcastic in the second bit of this sentence, though.
“Everything you’ve worked for” I echoed, prompting him to tell me more
“and by that you mean…?”
You're already prompting him; you don't need this last bit.
“Very good” I said, pleased, “I will deliver the rod to them as proof of my loyalty and await your orders.”
I would expect her to be seemingly-pleased but not legitimately pleased here. She obviously doesn't think much of this guy (yet); I'm wanting more snark in her internal monologue where we get to see what she really thinks of him. I just always want more snark. What a great word.
...Snark snark snark.
“Then I will destroy them” he
reasoned.
Awesome.
I will find a way to return it to you on our way to the next city after they have lost interest in it.
How does she know such a thing is even possible? We know from the future that he can receive objects through mirrors, but for all Kepesk knows (and frankly, given the situation, she should very reasonably expect), he can only interact with the mirror realm through these specific mirrors.
Being magically sworn by blood to an obvious genocidal maniac was not the most attractive prospect I had encountered in my lifetime
Then life is good, right?
A small Mobius strip had appeared where the pain was the most intense.
Like, an actual one? A Mobius fleshstrip would be really, really gross.
I could hardly understand him, the pain was so horrible. I found myself blinking back unconsciousness.
This comes as a big surprise after her calm "assess the damage" a few lines ago. Maybe move things around a bit, or at least rephrase to have her fearfully looking back at her burning shoulder rather than "assess"ing.
I heard him say as he kicked me forcefully through the mirror portal back to my companions and out of consciousness
Nice ending; strangely I want more detail on his "kicking". Did he literally kick her back through the portal? If so, did he kick her in the head or something, to knock her out? This could use a touch more clarity (maybe he just punched her in the face and she feels herself falling through the portal again on her way into unconsciousness?). As usual, I can't wait for the next installment!
EDIT: wow, my individual comment dumps aren't always this long, are they?
Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting
Reply With Quote