I recently learned something about myself, and sharing it here in case:

1) Anyone else has the same problem and wants to discuss it.
2) Anyone else has the same problem and finds it useful.

Short version: "It's okay to be less than perfect".

Long version:

I have two things in my background:

1) I was drilled from a very young child to not give excuses. I expect myself to take responsibility for my actions and failures and improve, not fob off my failures on other people or other things. Even if the dog DID eat my homework, it was MY responsibility to ensure the homework was adequately secured. So there is no weaseling out of the fact that I screwed up.

http://www.stewsmith.com/linkpages/noexcuses.htm

2) The second problem is unrealistic expectations. I routinely demand more of myself than I can reasonably give, and fail in the attempt. So I try, and fail, and fail , and fail.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue...ctionisms.html

Put these two things together, and what do you get?

You got it. One really, really unhappy person.

So how do I fix this?

Well, the only thing I really can do is to allow myself to make excuses after all. The military trains you to not make excuses because they expect you to do your best, to take responsibility for your actions, to adapt to changing circumstances and not to use a fluid situation as an excuse for failure. Find a way to win, no matter how badly things are fouled up. In a military situation, things are ALWAYS fouled up. So if you can't adapt or adjust, you're in the wrong business.

Thing is .. there IS such a thing as a valid excuse. I have asthma. I cannot run hardly any distance without collapsing on the ground, wheezing.

The US military recognized that no amount of motivation, no amount of additional training, would allow me to perform up to the spec demanded of a soldier. So they wouldn't let me join in the first place when the DODMERB medical exam came back.

I believe it was a wise decision.

So that's what I have to do. The whole "no excuse" thing only works if you are following expectations set by others who have a reasonable understanding of what they can and cannot expect of you. But when you're dealing with your OWN expectations, "no excuse" results in a death spiral of failure and self-punishment.

So I need to step back from the military way of viewing things and start thinking more like a normal person.

Maybe that's part of it. Perhaps there's a balance to the whole thing. If you're constantly failing to meet expectations and rationalizing it, maybe it's time for a little time with the DI who will get you to accept responsibility and start working on improvement. OTOH, if you're constantly in despair and depression over continued failure, maybe it's time to dial back the expectations. In other words, to lower your standards and allow excuses to some extent.

And if .. as I am ... you are doing both, you have to decide which is the more critical problem and focus on it. In my life, I routinely perform up to and beyond expectations at work but find myself constantly fighting against a black pit of despair. This is an indication that I should be tilting more towards 'be kind to yourself' and less towards 'shape up your lazy self' .

Maybe moderation is the name of the game. Maybe if I'd actually BEEN properly trained, instead of gleaning ideas from movies and books, I'd have a proper understanding of the balance. Ah well. Live and learn.


Respectfully,

Brian P.