Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[rogueboy]

Another entire problem is that I am in the beginning stages of converting to Judaism, which means you can not marry a non Jew (Or not supposed to). She is Torah Abiding gentile, and she said if I am Jewish that she would not let me disrespect part of my religion by marrying her. So either I don't convert at all, or I have to convince her to convert.

What "level" (reform, conservative, orthodox, etc) are you converting to? I know that at the orthodox level, marrying a non-Jew would be a problem, and it's highly frowned upon (at best) at the conservative level, but I know that at the reform level, it's not considered a barrier. It may be preferable (to some) to marry another Jew, but it's not one of the things that reform Jews get up in arms about (there isn't much that falls into that category, really). I'm speaking from the personal experience that comes from growing up in a reform household, with families in our chavurah that ranged from both parents being Jewish, to one Jewish and one non-practicing, to one Jewish and one Christian parent. None were frowned upon at any level I saw (from a very young age until late teens, when the entire chavurah became less active and my parents stopped being members of the synagogue).

If you're having concerns like this, you should talk to your rabbi. If you'd been in the Seattle area, I could give you the name of the reform rabbi of the synagogue I grew up with, but Eastern WA probably means that wouldn't be of great use, except possibly to get a name of someone closer to you. Let me know if you want the contact anyway.

I think I need to talk to her more still.

As others have said, do this. Be on the same page, or at least make sure your concerns are known (to a reasonable degree, as Mouse said).



For myself, I'm continuing the OKC thing (and looking for more direct options, but limited time with grad school makes that hard), but am starting to wonder if I should put the whole thing on hold for the next 5-6 months. I'm looking at finishing up my master's by the end of the semester (beginning of May) or early summer, at which point I'm looking to move across the country (back to the Seattle area, or San Francisco if I can't get a job around Seattle). At the same time, I'm starting to realize that a relationship is something I want more than I've let myself believe previously (it's always been "nice if it happens, but not necessary," but it's definitely in the "something I want" category now). OKC is also now giving me very poor matches (and taking a while to find them), so I'm starting to wonder if it would make more sense to "pre-move" on there and start looking forward with the OKC approach.

Related: if anyone's willing to look at my OKC profile and give me feedback, it'd be appreciated. I know people have done this a while back, but I'm fairly certain I've rewritten everything on my profile since then.