I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.
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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;