I have no idea what's possessing me to do this. Depression manifests itself in crazy ways. I guess I just need to vent somewhere and know somebody will see it. That's what this thread is for right? This is about a relationship of a kind.
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I gave up my entire world to one person. I mean that both metaphorically and literally. I gave to her my heart and soul, everything that makes up me. I would give to her all I own if she had ever needed it, though she'd never ask. All the devotion and focus in my life is about her and while we are good friends, that is all I am to her, perhaps all I will ever be. Well, I'm not sure. I don't know what I am to her.

I'd say I need more from her, but I don't know what that would mean. I'm not in love with her, though I love her; but I am addicted to her. I absolutely need her presence in my life to function.

I'm in such a state tonight, it gradually building over the past few nights, because she's been appearing invisible in the programs we'd usually talk on for about a week now after she just stopped replying to me last week (not that this is anything strange in itself, she frequently goes offline or away without warning mid-conversation).

And while this is unusual - it's very rare she isn't signed in and we tend to talk quite often - and it's not like she has to talk to me if she's busy, talking to or seeing other friends, etc (though she frequently does). She has no real obligation to me above anyone else and it's unreasonable of me to expect such, I tell myself. I don't even know if that's true.

I'm sure this is nothing really, a combination of mundane factors that when explained will make perfect sense. In the meantime paranoia and anxiety will have free reign of my mind to instigate complex and unrealistic scenarios in which I'm unimportant to her or she's befallen some tragedy.

I honestly have no idea where we stand with one another, nor do I know how to ask her about it. I've before emailed such a question, though she never replied. I've asked, but she's been unable to really answer. Ironic that it's times like right now when I'm not feeling entirely sane that I would just blurt out such a thing to her, but I'm only this way because I can't talk to her.

I keep wondering if I was right in giving somebody my devotion in this way, in giving up every other facet of life for this simulacra of overpowering love, for choosing that loving her is more important than wealth or fame or career prospects. If it was right to follow my heart into its turbulent fantasy rather than buying into the perpetually shallow artificial world everyone keeps trying to sell me.

But then I find my thoughts back there and know I could never give up on her.


(I'm so going to regret this post in the morning.)