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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Dr Bwaa's Avatar

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    Jan 2008
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Spoiler: NP Background
    Just to clarify for anyone following along: the galaxy of Nu Miaplacidus isn't a previously-established universe or anything. The story is derived from a game that I played in, and the communications that begin each snippet are drawn directly from in-game interactions. The narration is more or less a log of my own thoughts and perspective as the game progressed, heavily flavored, of course!

    Previous Chapter
    Spoiler: Nu Miaplacidus: Chapter 3
    Not a Drill

    Galactic Interval 45

    Dearest Commandant Elium,

    I write today to offer you the condolences of all Kafikans, with regards to the recent tragedy on Terebellum. I cannot help but imagine how poorly your citizens must think of mine by now. If there is any way in which I can provide aid to those suffering in the wake of the calamity, please have an aide contact my Ministry of Disaster Relief at your earliest opportunity. My people wish to help in any possible way.

    Regarding the movement of troops on our northern border systems, I appreciate your candidness in alerting me to your battlegroup's presence. Rest assured that I fully comprehend the necessity of such military exercises. It is only sensible that I likewise inform you that a trio of my own fleets will also be participating in war games in that sector over the next several cycles. I will have my group commander coordinate with yours, to preempt any possibility of tragic accidents resulting from the shared space.

    All the best,
    Empress Llamian Elwye of Kaf


    Training exercises, my ass. I know an invasion fleet when I see one. The damned Commandant still lacks the firepower to mount a truly dangerous offensive on his own, but he's tying up a huge chunk of the Empire's resources all the same. My other borders are painfully weak, and there is nowhere else from which to draw reinforcements.

    I am bending all of my diplomatic skills to the cause of peace on all fronts, because a second theater of conflict would spell immediate ruin. Commandant Elium certainly knows this: a trade ship intercepted an autonomous probe leaving his territory, bound for deep space. When decrypted, it proved to contain a message promising support for any war launched against the Kafikan Empire. Obviously, he denies any knowledge of such messages being sent, and assures me that he has only peaceful intentions.

    Even if the Commandant were being straight with me, the discovery of this probe means there are surely more that reached their destinations. So while I attempt to dissuade my neighbors from taking advantage of the Commandant's offer, I have instructed my Directorate of Manufacturing to begin preparations to defend the core against an invasion, no matter what shape it takes. It seems inevitable that the Empire will be dragged into war, sooner rather than later.

    Spoiler: Nu Miaplacidus: Chapter 4
    A New Hope

    Galactic Interval 49

    To the Beautiful Empress Llamian,

    Congratulations on such a wondrous scientific discovery. Dioxygen difluoride production is indeed a costly and perilous endeavor! Your scientists' loyalty, even after an attempt on their life, is a testament to your greatness! I believe an agreement to exchange our ideas will bolster both our empires and must emphatically agree that we must share our secrets.

    As this is a vast and troubled galaxy, I will tell you I have detected another great nation to my south under the leadership of a fellow with the odd name Sh'Rt. I have attempted communication with this gentleman and received no response. This is worrying. I have seen no signs of aggression but am keeping a keen eye on this chap. To my galactic west and north is only blackness. Do you have friendly neighbors?

    I wish to speak with you further but it must wait until after I have spoken to my Admirals. I will have a team deliver the specifications for improved warp drives with all haste.

    Be well, lovely Empress.

    Warmest regards,
    Commander Gerardan Ellisidel


    A indescribably fortuitous manufacturing breakthrough, by a team of scientists whom I had thought executed for insubordination months ago, has given me leverage to buy sorely-needed technologies from the neighboring empires. More importantly, opening trade with them will hopefully secure me their goodwill in the coming cycles. The Empire remains terribly impoverished, but banking advancements are within sight, or so my advisors promise.

    The threat posed by the Commandant still looms on the horizon, but several intervals have passed without incident. A few small fleets have been scrambled within defensive range of the Empire's most vulnerable systems in other sectors. I've also just received word that Commander Gerardan has followed through on his promise to deliver schematics for improved hyperspace jump range, bringing the bountiful Betgese system within reach. Perhaps--though I daren't hardly hope it--things could be looking up for the Kafikan Empire.

    Next Chapter

    Spoiler: The Isolation of Ashley, Ch1
    Well, it is the closest thing to a bed I could make.
    How does she know what a bed is, then? If this is the closest example to an existing bed, that kind of makes it a bed, no?

    I then filled it with every pillow I could scavenge from the abandoned city and covered it with a sheet.
    You're telling me there are pillows and bedclothes available, but no bedframes or mattresses? I would expect exactly the opposite in a setting where considerable looting has presumably taken place--the big, awkward things are usually the last to be removed.

    I decorated him with scrap metal to give it a face and call him Popeye
    This would be better if you picked either "him" or "it" to use when referring to Popeye. Also, you've got two distinct thoughts here. You should either separate them as two sentences: "...a face. I call him..." or join them with a comma-and: "...a face, and I call him...".

    "I had a weird dream last night..."
    "Last night" is a kind of funny thing to say when you've just woken up and you're still in bed. "I had a weird dream" is more natural.

    I let my mind drift off, remembering the dream.
    This sentence is unnecessary.

    I take several deep breathes

    I jump out of bed and shout, "Remind me to get a journal
    ...Why is she shouting? That's super weird.

    I make a joke about that every morning, and it just keeps getting sadder.

    "Oh, dammit!" I'm out of conditioner. With my fur coat it is difficult to comb out tangles and knots.

    I call myself Ashley, because of my gray fur.
    Without the explicit callout from the bio, I would have no idea how "Ashley" follows from "gray fur".

    After I returned the used water to the basin and put on my blue jean overalls... and combed out a dozen knots from my hair, I gather...
    You've got a tense problem here. Either "After I've combed...", or "After I comb..." is fine. Also, why the ellipsis? It's not an obvious place for the pause; I don't understand what it's doing there.

    some chalk, and I tie a canteen of filtered water.
    That last fragment doesn't fit with the rest of the list. Probably it should just be a sentence of its own.

    I read a guidebook that suggested I should always take one with me.

    Popeye, how is currently attached to a strap on my backpack.

    This is pretty much the normal
    Either "the norm" if you want to be idiomatic, or just "normal". Since Ashley seems to speak fluent English (even with some slang), it's doubtful that she'd misuse the idiom like this.

    Great, this my be my only opportunity

    but I can still poor them in my basin

    Interesting new setting you've got here, and you seem like you've got a lot of ideas to flesh it out. I'm intrigued, and enjoying your narration so far.

    Spoiler: The Big Play
    Isabelle changes lanes and swings the car way to fast

    Isabelle tightens her embrace on Jessica.
    You could do with a little more pronoun use here; this sounds a bit stilted.

    If she holds her any tighter she will not be able to breath.

    Isabelle holds her hug just a little longer. When she releases her hug on Jessica she moves her hands to each of shoulder and looks her in the eyes.
    You've got too many words in some parts of the second sentence, and not enough words elsewhere. Honestly it just looks like you wre writing really fast ;) I'd go with "When she releases her, she moves her hands to each of Jessica's shoulders and looks her in the eyes."

    Jessica can see the worry in face and that she might be holding back tears. This makes Jessica start to well up, too.
    You're missing a "her" there. And again, you're over-specifying at the cost of making your language sound awkward. Maybe reorganize these two sentences into one, and get rid of the double-Jessica-ing.

    "What?! You're kidding me. How can we rehearse without Macbeth?"
    In my experience, directors (or similar positions) tend to refer to roles as either their full proper titles, or possibly by a particular nickname for the actor. So here I would probably expect to hear "Lord Macbeth" (or "the Scottish King" if the director is a superstitious type, though this one clearly isn't).

    The drama club is fairly small. There isn't even enough students to have understudies.
    *aren't. However I don't think either of these sentences are useful: they're just expository justification. Everyone involved knows that there no understudies, and anyway, that fact is already implied by the missing kid being cause for concern.

    She keeps a rabbit foot key chain on her at all times, but no keys.
    Nice touch.

    Isabelle grabs Jessica's pointing finger and helps her up to the stage.
    And again.

    "Of course there is."
    I like this, especially as an ending bit of the scene. Nice, matter-of-fact "well obviously curses are real" moment.

    Spoiler: Government Intervention
    She starts telling every cat in the neighborhood to go to my hotel room while I start scattering kitty litter throughout the room.
    Oh boy; can't wait to see where this is headed.

    I studied many languages in my journey's.

    I should be complimented that I would draw the attention
    I think the word you want here is "flattered", not "complimented". What you've got now implies that other people should literally compliment you, whereas what you're going for is "I should feel some emotion".

    She left the range of our psychic connection just a few seconds, ago.
    No comma needed here.

    I have clearly sold the idea that I'm an elderly Italian woman that is hording cats in her apartment.
    Get rid of "that is", and it should be "hoarding".

    I doubt I can stale very long.

    "Yes. An elderly woman who keeps a swarm of cats in her apartment, with plenty of cat litter, but no cat food."
    If that's the detail that convinced him, how did he already know about it before he entered the room?

    "Turn on the news."
    Ooh, always a classy way to introduce a situation (both in-story and from a storytelling perspective).

    As usual, a fun snippet for The Bard!

    Spoiler: Hindsight
    the suddenly present monk.
    Do you have any artistic capability? Not that things like this haven't been done before, but this story in particular could make a pretty funny comic.

    I have you know I do know the meaning of that word, and Jorun is right. With a blink of the eye Jorge is suddenly on the other side of the doorway.
    lol. Well done.

    the now ghost of Jorun shouts at the top of his not lungs
    You sure do know how to turn a phrase, lol.

    After a brief moment of silence Bob speaks up and says, "Well, let's divide his equipment before we move on."
    Aaaaand down to business! Frankly I'm impressed they even bothered with the moment of silence.

    "How pragmatic of you," Varonis says, using a made-up word

    Jorge looks around at the group and then the door and says, "How much XP do I get for surviving the door?"
    I'm telling you, you've got a gift for this brand of comedy, here. This series is always fun.

    Spoiler: Cronc in Cyrodiil
    he just jumps head long into them.
    "Headlong" is one word.

    it starts to bash the golems head in with it.

    It is a large alligator-like creature with human-like arms and stands on its' hind legs.

    "HOT AXE!" With those words flames start to pour out from the head of the axe.
    Haha, I like it. Great command word.

    The daedroth is more than happy to abide.
    I think you mean "oblige". "Abide" means "put up with".

    the daedroth lets its' prey go.
    *its. Also, maybe "releases its prey" is smoother.

    Oily black blood streams from its' neck.
    he cuts the daedroth in half through its' stomach.

    The massive creature shouts, "COLD AXE!"
    Of course!

    The Argonian woman starrd at the giant Orsimar

    "Cronc gunna git nue butes! Ware bute makey gui?!"
    Wow it took me a while to figure out what he's saying here. "butes" and "gui" don't feel like the right phonetic translations of Cronc's speech here. I think "boots" is really probably fine, and maybe "gai"? Likewise when these words are repeated later on. You've got some inconsistency in general with how you're transcribing Cronc's speech.

    the argonian woman almost jumped at the sound of her own voice.
    Capitalize "Argonian".

    Cronc pauses for a moment as he chews the idea around. "Moar butes fo' Cronc!" He starts to run off in a direction and suddenly stops. "Wat wai?"

    "Sssithisss sssave usss."
    Nice ending, and as always, great characterization for Cronc.

    Spoiler: Codename: GARM
    Another very intriguing, well-constructed piece. There some really great hooks dangling there; as usual, you do a huge amount of characterization with few words. The details are great. I particularly enjoyed the last paragraph in the Performance section. I'm looking forward to more, if there is more to come.

    I entered this as a standalone entry in the archive, but if it should belong to another story grouping, let me know.
    Last edited by Dr Bwaa; 2015-03-26 at 03:10 PM.
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