The Thing that Should Not Be
Spoiler: The Thing that Should Not Be
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Yurgear Isflipplingawn

Kender Good Lich
Antiquarian Handler Rogue 1/spellthief 8/Apostle of Peace 4//Contemplative 1/Divine agent 1/Loremaster 1/mystic theurge 1
Undead with [Evil] subtype
Alignment undetectable but CG on paper
Inspires insanity in real life in players, and therefor, in their characters.
Has tentacle attacks in the form of trained rust monster antennae and disenchanter snouts

A kender that you can’t attack that has unlimited free action sleight of hand checks, no sense of property rights, and a bag of devouring that he feeds all of your goods to while riding either a rust monster or a burrowing arachnoid disenchanter. He has crazy immunities and AC, the ability to rebuke constructs as well as to turn undead and outsiders. Mundane items explode when they hit him. Did I mention that he trains bags of devouring? He breeds them and leaves them around. No saving throw calm emotions that can affect anything with emotions. Crazy high DC Paralysis. He can walk up to you, pilfer tons and tons of things, and if he touches you, it prevents you from attacking him. His disenchanters and rust monsters often feed off you, and if you’re humanoid, you suffer from a calm emotions effect the whole time. He is often heard yelling, “It’s what my character would do!” when people ask why he is even around their persons. Sometimes, he’s been heard saying, “I’m Chaotic Neutral!” which is totally a lie, but detect alignment spells don’t work on him and he’s got a weird evil subtype. If you cast a spell at him he can absorb it. He can literally steal up to your 3rd level spells, doing non-lethal damage in the effort. The only way to kill him for good is to find his phylactery. He’s not entirely sure where he left it. He can make magic items using distilled joy, which he harvests from the madness that he instills in players. He can rebuke undead, fiends, and constructs which is crazy useful considering that those types of creatures are the most likely to be immune to his calming presence.
He also believes that the root of all evil is the reliance of people upon their technology and views creatures that eat technology as divine agents of a happy sky robot that he worships.

CR HD Class BAB Fort Ref Will Feats Skills VOP and Racial Abilities Abilities
1 1 antiquarian (CC p.51) “handler” (DLCS p.31) rogue 0 0 2 0 Sacred Vow (BOED p.45) 44: Sleight of Hand 4, Handle Animal 2, Spot 4, Disable Device 4, Balance 4, Climb 3, escape artist 1, Listen 4, spot 4, Hide 4, Diplomacy 4 Move silently 4 small, landspeed 20, +1 racial bonus to saves, +2 racial bonus to spot, open locks and sleight of hand, lack of focus, +4 to use bluff to taunt, fearless: immune to fear Antiquarian, sneak attack +1d6
2 2 Spellthief 1 (CA) 0 0 2 2 9: Sleight of Hand 5, knowledge arcana 4, move silently 5, decipher script 1, UMD 1 Sneak attack +2d6, steal spell (0 or 1st), trapfinding
3 3 Spellthief 2 1 0 2 3 Vow of Poverty(BOED p.48 & 29) 9: Sleight of hand 6, Knowledge arcana 6, UMD 6 AC Bonus (Su): +5, Endure Elements (Ex): Detect magic, spellgrace +1, steal spell effect
4 4 Spellthief 3 2 1 3 3 Vow of nonviolence (BOED p.47) 9: Sleight of Hand 7, UMD 7, Diplomacy 7, Hide 7 Bonus Exalted Feat, Exalted Strike (Su), +1 Cha Steal energy resistance 10
5 5 Spellthief 4 3 1 3 4 9: Sleight of Hand 8, UMD 8, Concentration 6 Sustenance (Ex): At 5th-level ascetic doesn't need to eat or drink Steal spell (2nd), spell casting
6 6 Spellthief 5 3 1 3 4 vow of peace (BOED) master pickpocket (CoS) 9: Sleight of hand 9, UMD 9, concentration 9, Dipolmacy 9, AC Bonus (Su): +6, Bonus Exalted Feat, Deflection AC Bonus +1, Sneak attack +3d6, steal spell-like ability
7 7 Spellthief 6 4 2 4 5 9: Sleight of hand 10, knowledge religion: 2, Concentration 10 Plus 1 Resistance (Ex) bonus to saves, ability Score enhancement +2 wis: Steal spell (3rd)
8 8 Apostle of Peace 1 (BOED) 4 4 6 7 nymphs kiss (BOED), Craft wondrous item (Heward’s Hall variant option (CS p.146) 7: Handle animal 8 Bonus Exalted Feat, Natural Armor (Ex) Bonus +1, Mindshielding: immune to detect thoughts, discern lies, and any attempt to discern his alignment. +1 CHA Turn Undead, spells
9 9 Apostle of Peace 2 5 5 7 8 creature type trainer: rust monster (A&EG p.73) 7: knowledge religion 9 AC Bonus (Su): +7 Pacifying Touch!!!
10 10 Apostle of Peace 3 5 5 7 8 exalted turning (BOED) 7: knowledge religion 13, Handle animal 11 Bonus Exalted Feat, Exalted Strike (Su): +2, Damage Reduction (Su) 5/magic
11 11 Apostle of Peace 4 6 6 8 9 Inscribe Rune (PGTF p. 40) via Heward's Hall Magical location variant option. 8: spellcraft 4, craft 1, Sleight of hand 11, handle animal 12 Ability Score Enhancement (Ex): +4 wis/+2 int Censure Fiends
12 12 Contemplative (CD) 6 6 8 12 practiced spellcaster (CA p.82), words of creation (BOED) 6: craft 7 AC Bonus (Su): +8, Bonus Exalted Feat, +2 Deflection (Su) AC bonus, Greater Sustenance (Ex) Bonus Domain: Joy (BOED p.87), Advance Apostle spellcasting
15 12 Become good (LM) Lich(MM) 6 6 8 12 Turn Undead (Su): As a cleric = to HD, Turning Immunity (Ex), damage reduction 15/bludgeoning
and magic, immunity to cold, electricity,
polymorph (though they can use polymorph effects on themselves),
and mind-affecting attacks., Fear Aura (Su), Paralyzing Touch (Su), HD turn to d12s. +5 natural armor bonus, ritual of alignment: [evil]		 Ritual of Alignment (SS p.148)
16 13 Spellthief 7 7 6 8 12 Tattoo magic (Lords of Darkness, p. 189) via (Heward’s Hall variant option (CS p.146) 11:UMD 16, sleight of hand 13 Resistance (Ex): +2 on saving throws, Energy Resistance (Ex): resistance 5 to acid, cold, electricity, fire, and sonic energy. Absorb spell
17 14 Spellthief 8 8 6 8 13 sacred strike (BOED), Skill focus Knowledge (history) via Frog gods Fane (CS p.145) 11:disable device 15 Bonus Exalted Feat, Exalted Strike (Su): +3, Freedom of Movement (Ex) Steal spell (4th)
18 15 Divine agent (MoP) 8 6 8 15 creature type trainer: bag of devouring (DMG) 10: UMD 18, sleight of hand 17 AC Bonus (Su): +9, Ability Score Enhancement (Ex): +6 wis/+4 int /+2 cha, Damage Reduction (Su): damage reduction 5/evil granted domain: warforged (FoE p150)
19 16 Loremaster (DMG) 8 6 8 17 Intuitive attack (BOED p.44), Creature type trainer: mineral warrior (Und p.96) arachnoid (Und p.80) disenchanters (FF p.62) 11: Handle animal 19, sleight of hand 19 Bonus Exalted Feat, Natural Armor (Ex): +2 , +1 Int Secret: Bonus Feat: [Arachnoid Disenchanter mineral warrior] trainer, advance apostle spellcasting
20 17 mystic theurge (DMG) 8 6 8 19 9: spellcraft 13 Exalted Strike (Su): +4, Resistance (Ex): +3 on saving throws, Regeneration (Ex): 1hp/hour advance spell thief and apostle casting.



Here are some combos:
Master pickpocket + pacifying touch.
Rob them of everything you possibly can as a free action and touch them to no save, force them to be non-violent about it. Nonchalantly feed spellbooks and component pouches and wands to your bag of devouring. If pcs want their gear back, just hand over the bag of devouring. (Doesn't matter to Yurgear becasue he breeds them anyway!)

Joy domain’s Distilled Joy on an apostle of peace + tattoo magic = 450gp per spell, 18xp per casting, casting time is limited from 24 hours to 1 hour.

VOP + Words of creation + inscribe rune + tattoo magic: you can inscribe runes on your gear, or tattoo yourself, and if you consecrate the spells with words of creation they gain a caster level.

VOP + [creature type] trainer + bag of devouring, not technically a magic item, but a creature. VOP has no provisions against carrying creatures around. Your creature just happens to be

Vow of nonviolence + Vow of peace + entice gift= gimme your sword + feed sword to bag of devouring.

Quick potion should allow you around the use of the prohibition against magic items, at least that is what the text around VOP implies.

Creature type trainer doesn’t necessarily have to be as limited as they are used here with different uses of rust monster trainer and arachnoid mineral warrior disenchanter actually both belonging to aberration trainer as a feat. Mostly we wanted your players to know that this guy wants to train these things. If aberration trainer is a feat that covers both, take godsblood spellthief at level 9, and aberration trainer as your loremaster bonus feat. Key godsblood spellthief to the joy domain (when you steal spells you can then cast them from the joy domain) and take the plant domain and warforged domains with contemplative and divine agent so that you can rebuke all of the creatures likely to be immune to your shenanigans.

This build uses the same variant of the hewards hall 3 times to get free item creation feats as well as Frog god’s phane: Skill focus(knowledge (religion)) as a Bonus Feat. Dude is an immortal lich with wanderlust, of course he’s going to travel to all of the world’s most notorious halls of archaic rune production to learn how to use skills that he can use without any material inputs.

1st level spellthief spells
Transference
Hoard Gullet (draconomicon)
Instant diversion (Races of the Dragon)
Spontaneous search (Spell Compendium, p. 204)

2nd Level spellthief Spells
Entice Gift (draconomicon)
Quick potion (Spell Compendium, p. 164)

Access to spells and powers of Joy Domain and warforged domain.


Drive the players mad, and their characters will be forced to act incoherently!