DM: "Long, long ago, when the gods were still young, this group met for our previous session."

Sheogorath: "My goal is to get a blowjob from the world."

DM: "Remember that time I got through an entire room description without being interrupted? Neither do I BECAUSE IT NEVER F***ING HAPPENED"

Draco: "Killing animals isn't hilarious, it's just fun."

DM: "For a brief moment, the street is calm. Then, Draco flies through the bar window."
Shad: "For f***'s sake!"

Ella: "I use my familiar to cheat at cards."

DM: "We cut back to the street outside, where some guy has just finished cleaning up the shards of broken bar window. [A paladin] smashed through the other window."
Shad: "I WALK OUT OF THE ROOM FOR 30 SECONDS AND YOU GET INTO TWO BAR FIGHTS. FOR. F***'S. SAKE."

DM: "He flies through the hole where the window was. Because you've already broken every window in this bar."

DM: "We're past 'losing sanity.' My sanity has been shattered, ground into dust, set on fire, passed through the digestive system of a cat, and launched into the sun."

DM: "[The cleric] finished casting raise dead. You are now alive."
Harukai: "I start screaming."

Sheogorath: "I buy a yellow robe."
DM: "Okay. You are now the King in Yellow. Have fun, try not to be killed by crazy old men with C-4"

DM: "Not one of you will just do this in a reasonable manner, will you."

DM: "This poor squire. In the past thirty seconds he's been groped, insulted, emasculated, and nearly stabbed three times."

DM: "They are drinking dark red wine."
Sheogorath: "Okay, I sit down."
DM: "Really?"
Sheogorath: "Yes?"

Sheogorath: "Wait! I wanted red robes, not yellow."
DM: "Well, well just retcon it. FOR I AM KIND AND MERCIFUL."
Sheogorath: "Nah."
DM: "You sure? I'll let you have red robes instead."
Sheogorath: "No! I'll just pour the wine all over my robes!"

Sheogorath: "It's not really 'leather armor' as much as 'kinky sex gear.'"

NPC Paladin: "Would you like to join [knightly order of paladins]."
Draco: "You don't know us very well, do you?"

DM: *gets up, walks out of the room, sits down on the kitchen floor, and laugh-cries*

Draco: "I don't understand why people say 'lmao' and 'lol.' Like, neither of those sound like laughing."

DM: "You figure it would be best to keep [the dragon eggs] warm and moist."
Draco: "So could we-"
DM: "No."

DM: "I step out of the room for thirty seconds and the campaign becomes an orgy."

Gana: "So how long've you been green?"

DM: "One day, there will be an enemy strong enough to pose a serious threat to Draco.
Draco: "But it is not this day."

DM: "I regret giving you that sword. So very, very much."