Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
My ex-boyfriend just got together with another girl. It really hurts, especially since we'd practically set the date for reassessing and possibly trying again . . . I don't want to feel bitter. I especially don't want to hope they break up. But it's hard to let go like that.

Part of me thinks maybe he has the right idea, might as well move on with life since obviously he doesn't want to try again all that badly . . . yeah I know you guys have already said that's a great idea. More so since I am sort of pining right now and that's not healthy. But the thing is, I don't want to find someone else - I don't want someone to just fill a role. I want to be close to the person I love. Since that's not going to happen (I doubt I could trust him to stay with me even if he said he wanted to), I really want to be the way I was before. Happily single. And I was genuinely happy without romantic feelings for anyone for almost three years. I enjoyed that. I was clear in myself and I had so few worries compared to when I try to be in relationships.

But I love him and that's not going to go away. I just don't know how to shift it back to loving him as a friend.
Ugh, yeah, that's gotta hurt a lot. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where there are no quick, easy fixes - it's gonna hurt for a while, and mostly you need time.

You've got the right intuition here, though: He is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and you need to move on eventually. It's okay if it takes a while, it's okay if it hurts. It's okay if you can't handle friendship right now. But he's not coming back, so you're right, you need to move towards rediscovering the happily single person you were.

What did you do back then? With what did you fill your time? What were the friends you leaned on? If you don't naturally feel happily single, you can still act like a person who is, and your emotions will catch up eventually. Fake it 'til you make it, basically. It's standard breakup advice for a reason.

Do you need to cut contact with your ex for a while? It is okay to tell him that you understand the permanence of the breakup and therefore need time to get over it, so you need to stop contact for... three months? I don't know what feels reasonable for you. For me, this period of no contact has been absolutely key to keeping sane and eventually recreating friendship.

You'll be okay. You just need time to heal. Hugs, if you want them.