Quote Originally Posted by Sivarias View Post
First, I've been victimized A LOT in my life, so my paranoia is frankly reasonable considering everything that has happened to me. But not only have I been victimized, I've been repeatedly blamed for the scenarios and internalized that blame, to the point where I FEEL like it's my fault. I can recognize that it's not my fault. But I do see how my actions led to the situations where I was either A) molested B) beaten C) robbed at gunpoint or D) was forced to support an emotional parasite. I realize that frames how I look at victimizing circumstances and leads me to wonder if the victim took "reasonable precautions" to avoid an unreasonable situation. That's not necessarily a helpful perspective or a healthy one, so I need to be aware of my own bias when these conversations come up.
I want to thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. And I'm sorry you've had to endure all that bull****.

It's hard, it really is, once you've experienced something bad, to balance that line of "I did not deserve that" and "How can I prevent a similar situation in the future?" because they are so fundamentally opposing. It is so so so common for people to do exactly what you're doing, to uphold the Just World fallacy, because that makes the world make sense again, and it gives you a feeling of control.

And frankly, there is some truth in it. You could've always done something (even something as ridiculous as "didn't leave the house that day"), and sometimes bad things are a result of genuinely bad decisions.

But we have this weird thing when we're victimized by other people, to take on extreme amounts of guilt and responsibility. Even if we accept that bad things like rape and robbery are basically unavoidable forces of nature that will never entirely disappear, we put them in a different category. Is someone to blame for a tsunami? Catching a disease? Do we wrack ourselves with guilt when they happen to us?

No, at least not to the same degree. We accept that statistically, someone will be hurt, and it ****ing sucks that it was us this time. Our actions were still the most reasonable ones we could take, but that didn't make them perfect.

Or at least we have a somewhat easier time coming to that conclusion when it's an experience less fraught with controversy.

Quote Originally Posted by Sivarias View Post
Second, The reason any-kind of verbal "Is that ok? Do you like that?" doesn't work for MY relationship is primarily because it creeps my wife out (reminds her of the rape scenes in various crime shows) and just makes me feel like I'm in a gatekeeper scenario with the first question which just breaks the mood for me. That's our relationship though.
It's interesting to hear this other perspective. I've never been asked that question in a way that I didn't interpret positively, but, well, people are different, and in long-term relationships you can take SO MUCH for granted in terms of consent and communication styles.