Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[dehro]

How many of those turned into something more than a few halfhearted emails?

I'm better at long form than I am at short form, and you have to play to your strengths. There are people out there with a similar trait and/or who react well to just that.

Again, I'll ask how well this has worked out for you. Some dealbreakers are indeed dealbreakers. But it takes a lot of experience and a lot of introspection to narrow down on what traits are really important. It's better to read and get a better sense of general compatibility, and decide afterwards how much hassle they're worth, than to get caught up on a list of specific traits.l.

Both worked out pretty well. Back when I was living in the UK I used to go on more casual dating oriented sites (yes, exactly the kinds you're thinking about)... my profile was somewhat long and my success rate was adequate...I'd say more than average, if the stories that were shared around on those same websites were accurate. My criteria at the time being less discerning, I may have encountered a few people on there that I would or even should have avoided, but I also made a few good friends/relationships. This is also the time I learned which were my dealbreakers.
More recently I used the same approach on OKCupid, enhanced with the aforementioned experience... chatted with about a dozen people, met a few of them and finally settled down with one of them, my SO, some 3 years ago. We're living together and have been for almost 2 years now.

Yes, it took quite some time and during that time I did talk to women that I already knew I was never going to meet (mostly because of geographical reasons) but I never took those chats seriously (and made damn sure they didn't either), and was having them purely out of boredom and because we did have a few shared interests we both liked to talk about.,,which we did to then politely say goodbye once those common subjects were hashed out.
I will say that introspection and experience are things you learn going on these sites and putting in the work. You learn to write down the important bits and make the rest a fun read or just not bother with it. But since if you're reaching out over the internet you're probably sat at home and confronting other people's profiles and what they reveal about themselves, it's most likely you have at least some time to spend on introspection and thinking things over. At least that's how it was for me at the time.
If your speed is more suited to a shorter format, by all means, stick to that. Plenty of women will appreciate your choice. Not the ones that would be interested in me, probably... but in the end, there only needs to be one (or at least one at a time), to get the ball rolling.
Dealbreakers might be a strong way to put it.. but let's say, as a random example, you're super into sports and fitness.. you're not having a good time with someone who prefers to not get out of the house or off the couch... so you might chat with her if you share a common interest, but to pin any kind of hope on a possibility for a budding relationship on that premise is an exercise in futility.
Similar miss-matches are most likely going to fail, and at some stage, hopefully quite soon, you're going to be disappointed and frustrated by the wasted time or the erroneously placed expectations. Facing this possibility, it's better to stick to contacting people who share a larger number of values and interests with you.. which makes them quality contacts, rather than going for quantity by broadening the search criteria beyond your comfort zone.
Finding the balance I mentioned in my previous post is really a matter of trial and error, sticking to putting in time to contact the people, playing your cards the best way you know how to, and learning from your mistakes. Have a friend who knows and whom you trust look at your profile and call you out on your bull.. because chances are the people reading it will be able to do the same. Be sincere and state what you're looking for. Maybe even explain your difficulties in finding it an, if you have any particular personal issue, identify it (provided it doesn't turn into a sob story or a gripe)... some people will shy away from it, others will relate to your struggles and conversely be attracted.
If you're not confident in your writing skills/written comunication ability (two different things), look at other profiles and see how they're doing it. If you see a good line, steal it (provided it's applicable to you as well).

In the end, whilst this is very much a numbers game and the necessity to stand out and have both a decent profile and decent interpersonal skills is very much a real factor, there are so many people out there that you're bound to click with a few of them if you don't do anything too stupid.
I'm rambling because I haven't slept all night and it's 6 am.. Hopefully I still made sense.

@Dr.Samurai... this may be completely off the mark and possibly a little inappropriate, but there's plenty of people out there who have an actual fetish for baby behaviour or for enacting it.... what's going on with your SO may have nothing to do with that, but some parts of your posts did make me think about it. It is however a subject that goes heavily into kink-related areas, so I'm not sure it's forum appropriate. Anyhow, maybe consider that angle of things?