Oh Lord my game had so many I can barely remember all of them, here are some I do:

DM(me): ... Habren you now have permanent cold resistance, and Lucrio you lose another 3 inches of your height.
Lucrio: BRO! Bois, he doesn't know what he's done! I'm 11 inches tall now!
DM(me): I may have miss calculated

Reddel: Your 11 FREAKING inches tall, how is your penis a foot long?
Lucrio: my body is hollow and it retracts.
Habren: where the heck are your organs?

Habren: did you just steal my one on one kill of a Phoenix with a single effing magic missile???

*Group walking up on the MASSIVE body of a dead terrasque*
Lucrio: what the HELL happened here?
Skye: once again it appears I an to perfect to die.

Skye*shifter speaking deep German accent*: once when I was younger I tried to slit my own wrist, but the knife, she broke on my skin. I tried to throw myself off a cliff but I floated safely to the ground. I ate sand once in desperation and trapped out glass. Finally, I tried to drown myself in the waves of the ocean, but my feet would not sink beneath the waves. It was then I realized I was to perfect to die.
DM(me): mind explaining how you have 39 AC?????
Skye: it was an accident

Matrix: imma light my weed bush familiar on fire and have him get the little @$!#$@ high as @$!#!!.
Lucrio: and then we stab them

Lucrio whilst chucking 6 javelin of lightning at a kraken: I'm the god of lightning @$!#$@! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS!

Lucrio: I'm gonna need a pig, a head band of intellect, and as many glyphs of warding as we can cast.

DM: congratulations you short jerk, you just one shotted a god.
Tassel: he is a God

Habren: what if they confiscate our weapons?
Reddel: I've got the best weapon right here! *pulls Lucrio out of coat*
Lucrio: Surprise $!#:×+@!!!

Entire group: hash tag, just cult things

Reddel: evening officer*tips imaginary hat*

Lucrio: if you even think of buying the deck of many things I'll cut your balls off.