You come across a hotel in a bubble of distorted spacetime that slows down the passage if time so that 1 real world second is 30 minutes inside it. You can enter it and stay as long as you want for free, but it's run as a business and the receptionists charge you for everything you do inside it. You have to pay for food, technology, rented furniture, bedding, electricity and internet and phone service and even for the air you breathe inside. Also, there's a resort fee that they'll sneak into your bill unless you demand to have it waived.

I wish for an algorithm that determines the best possible investment for me.