We open on the planet Kamar
Specifically, in the Kamar badlands, a desert region. "Little to see in any direction
except sand, parched hills, miser-plants, barrel-scrub and sting-brush".
Chewbacca is performing field quick repairs on the
Falcon , with Han's help. Another ship touches down, piloted by
Sonniad
He's not bad-looking, is he? Described in-text as "a compact, gray-haired little man with a cocksure
walk and a rakish tilt to his shapeless red bag of a hat." A "former smuggler and bootlegger",
apparently living as an honest merchant these days. He's one of the lucky few who have been able to
leave the underworld behind them.
We also see Bollux, still with Blue Max aboard. Described as "designed in the image of man ..
somewhat shorter than Han, barrel-chested and long-armed, slight stiffness that indicated
a heavy-duty suspension system .. red photoreceptors for eyes and small vocoder grille set
in his blank metallic face where a mouth should have been. His durable body was finished in
a deep, gleaming green."
We are told "the outlaw-techs had [provided him with a new body]. The droid had opted for a
new body much like his old one, insisting that durability, versatility, and the
capacity to do useful work had always been the means to his survival. He had even retained
his slow speech pattern, having found that it gave him more time to think and made humans
regard him as easygoing."
Blue Max is here too. He's had a chassis upgrade also but I'm not going to bother describing it.
He's a blue box. Easy image, right?
Both 'bots have been manumitted and want to see the galaxy, so they've signed on as crew
with the
Millenium Falcon, exchanging work for passage.
Wait, wait, wait.
Robots can be manumitted ? Like, they own themselves? No memory wipes unless they want them?
It's a great pity this little fact isn't mentioned elsewhere in the Star Wars universe.
*Folds Arms Angrily*
Or that R2D2 wasn't manumitted after some SIX DECADES of flippin' service. Interesting how
the good guy Rebel Alliance hardly ever frees their droids. Wanna bet that around 200 ABY
the only thing anyone remembers about the OT generation is "They were slaveholders, and
therefore all evil people with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever"?
But I digress.
Back to the story! We've introduced our characters and now we're filled in on how the team
wound up stuck here in the middle of the Kamari badlands when last we saw they were at an
outlaw base after wiping out the Authority's space-Guantanamo.
Pieced together from conversation, the last run was to the planet
Rampa II in the outskirts of the Corporate Sector. Apparently they've got
some silly customs rule forbidding the import of off-planet water and the on-planet stuff
is polluted and awful. Anyone who can smuggle water into the planet gets rich, and the smell
of money attracted Han and Chewbacca. So they show up in orbit around the planet with
a false id, a general cargo as cover consisting of 12 'Lockfiller' holo-projectors, and
a hidden cargo consisting of 500,000 liters of
R'alla Mineral Water , installed in tanks.
Problem is, the tanks leak. Han tells us next time he'll install the stupid things himself.
Wait, he let someone else do it? And didn't inspect them? it's all on you , Han. Not thinking
things through. That's why you're a two-bit chancer instead of a crime lord with dancing girls
at your beck and call.
So .. leaking tanks leave a vapor trail behind his ship. The local patrol notices, tries to grab him. He dumps the entire cargo and cuts into the traffic pattern. Successfully avoids the police and
lands with his legal, cover cargo.
And gets stiffed on that as well. It seems that the cargo consignment -- which, AGAIN, he DID NOT CHECK -- is incorrect. Instead of 12 lockfiller holo-projectors he's got 11 lockfillers and 1
Brasso Mk II, which is a much older, cheaper, model. The buyer takes the 11 lockfillers but won't
take the Brasso, and then refuses payment on the entire consignment because they've been shorted.
What's Han going to do about it? He doesn't dare take them to court, because the minute he
makes himself visible to law it'll bring out all kinds of ID questions. Underworld types don't
really have the courts as an option, so Han takes off to Kamar and settles in the badlands. Their
they begin doing repairs on the ship, which was pretty badly shot up during that little escapade.
They have to replace a number of components with hydraulics, mechanical devices without electronics,
because this is an incredibly primitive planet which still has nationalism and nuclear weapons.
Nationalism? Nuclear weapons? Yeah, you're really in the sticks here, Han. Better get out of
there fast before they replace your entertainment system with 8-track tapes.
Next time, you could solve a lot of these problems by PAYING ATTENTION and practicing some DUE DILIGENCE, both in inspecting the tanks and in checking your cargo. It's all your fault.
With the new components the
Millenium Falcon handles like a garbage truck compared to its
normal profile, although it's still one of the fastest ships in the galaxy.
So .. why we're here. Han has decided to make the best of the holoprojector by showing movies
to the locals in exchange for barter. He doesn't speak the language, doesn't have a protocol droid,
and there's no universal translator in the GFFA. But he eventually finds the word for admission --
q'mal. The locals bring in q-mal, and he shows them the movie in return. He only
has one show which came with the projector --
Varn, Planet of Water. A travelogue. The locals --
Kamarian badlanders,
--
have been coming in ever-larger numbers to see this holo-show with rapt fascination, which he shows over and over and over again. That's why he's called out to Sonniod -- he wants more shows and more variety. The locals are really hard up for entertainment -- if they get this much from a travelogue, imagine what they'll get from a REAL movie!
And that's where Sonniod comes in. He's brought in a romance number called
Love is Waiting. The intent is he'll trade this movie for the travelogue, then trade that back for more money than he paid
for the Romance -- Love is Waiting is the oldest movie the dealer had, so Sonniad will make money off the trade.
We look at the
q'mal Han has collected in two piles.
The larger pile is primarily bulk goods -- musical instruments, tunneling tools, cooking utensils, paints, portable awnings. Han intends to hold a fire sale for these on the last day in exchange for stuff from the smaller pile -- semi-precious gemstones, artwork, high-quality tools and implements.
Somniod inspects the pile and says Han won't become a man of leisure anytime soon at this rate. Han agrees, but this isn't a career -- just enough to get a new stake and a new cargo. At which point, he'll sell the holo-projector to the locals so they can keep the show running.
Hmmm ... this is very 70's-ish drive-in theater vibes. I can't find a link, but I can imagine someone in the South Pacific driving from island to island and setting up shop in an outdoor clearing with a screen and a projector, charging the locals barter in exchange for shows.
Sonniod mentions that , if this isn't working for him, he's heard word of work back in the Corporate Sector. No details about what the work is or who for, but leave the word you're available and you'll be contacted. Han notes the information, but decides he's going to do this the honest way for once. This is sure money versus a job for unknown people who are probably really shady.
The guests arrive and Solo starts the new show. Sonniod doesn't like that word Q'mal and goes to look it up. Meanwhile, the show runs for about five minutes before the audience starts getting very agitated, enraged even. What's going on?
Just at this moment, Sonniod comes running back. "Q'mal" doesn't mean "admission". It means "offering". I'll put it in his words:
"Don't you stop and analyze things,
ever? You've been showing them holos of a
world with more water than they ever dreamed existed, filled with cultures and life forms
that they've never even fantasized about. You haven't set up a holotheater, you idiot; you've STARTED A RELIGION!"
Well, fudge.
So, Solo? You may not have known what the word meant but your buddy was able to find out quickly enough. This is the third time in this same chapter you've SCREWED YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT. PAYING. ATTENTION!!!
Sheesh.
Quick! Get the travelog feature back in the projector. But it's too late. The anger has devolved into a riot. Some of the locals are beating on the projector with sticks, while the rest are coming at Han with blood in their eye-equivalents.
Realizing that just giving a refund won't pacify them, Han draws his blaster and fires at the ground to slow them down. Then he fires at the holo-projector and it goes berserk, generating random sounds and visuals and panicking the locals out of their minds.
Han seizes on the distraction to run back to the ship with Sonniod. Chewie doesn't really know what's going on but he knows a mob when he sees one, so he uses the Falcon's guns to fire into the ground to keep the locals at bay. Neither he nor Han has any desire to kill their former customers even in this situation if it is at all avoidable. Han stops long enough to pick up as much as he can carry from the valuable pile of q'mal, then runs aboard and they are OUTTA THERE. Maybe they can come back in a century or two.
Well, another disaster for Han. He asks Sonniod for the information on this Corporate Sector deal. Sonniod gives it, but warns him he really ought to find out more about it before actually taking the job. Han says no; he's so desperate he's not no choice but to take the job no matter what it is. He comments to Chewbacca, "we just aren't cut out for the honest life."
Yeah, I'm sure this'll end well. NOT !!! PAYING!!! ATTENTION!!! A FOURTH TIME!!!
Y'know, this is the least I've liked this character in a long time. Simply because he's so... so
careless. I wish Chewbacca would do more to keep him in line. He's like a stupid adolescent
stumbling from mistake to mistake and never learning because too cocky.
Incidentally, in-universe the
Cult of Varn survives this incident and eventually spreads off-planet as well. It even gets a following on Mon Calamari, of all places. Han gets a place in their mythology as
Solohan the Deceiver . Serves him right. Ah, but at least his fame will outlive him.
Re: Let's Read: The Han Solo Adventures (1979)
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