The Depression Thread

[Ceska]

Wow, it took me long to be able to react on anything. Not good, or maybe it is. Well, I'm sick now. I missed an exam yesterday, but at least I managed to pass one of the main exams last Friday, so I'm pretty positive I'll pass this grade without any trouble, I'd pass anyway, but I don't want to do it that way.

One thing you may want to look at is if this "wanting to take the hard way" isn't just "terrified of failure" in a particularly subtle guise. Because if you take the hard way and fail you can always blame your more challenging choice...and then convince yourself you didn't REALLY fail...you just aimed too high.

You made me think long of that. All I can say is, you might be correct. After all, I'm a perfectionist. I simply can't do anything under my own expectations, to the point that I rather do not, instead of failing them. That might also be a reason it took me so long to answer this post.

As for help...not really sure...I really doubt the whole "turn off you brain" thing has ever worked for you but try meditation...Really it does work and can get you more complete awarness of your problem.

Turn off might be the wrong term. More like do other things to not think of a particular problem. Just, that also means I can't read anything, because it makes me feel guilty I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, and I can't do what I'm supposed to, since it makes me think of my situation and keeps me off anything to change it. It took me days to even start learning, because every time I went there I got "deeper" thoughts. Which means up to suicidal or what I call "floating".

Another idea is to have to do things well for someone outside yourself....when you are taking the easier route on another behalf it can put off that part of you that wants to take the hard way.

What can I say. I don't have such a person. I keep very far from other people, meaning I don't even get asked for something, and my mother for example is far too proud to ever ask for help. That also means I feel absolutely powerless.

As for the whole happiness thing I'd actually recommend that you start by looking for beauty in normal everyday life. Look around like you would walking into the second to last gallery at an art museum.

Oh, I do that very often. Actually, I love nature. It's beauty is one of the few absolutes I agree on. But it also makes me think of its (transience? I would like to use "Vergänglichkeit" but have no clue as how to translate it.) and only more depressive. It's kind of strange, but exactly what usually makes me happy, makes me sad now. Take the four seasons for example. They always are the same. It kinda makes me sad to see something repeat itself again and again and again. Or a forest, I walk through it and only see the destruction caused by humans, rather than the beauty of it.

And realize its transience is part of its beauty.

I do not know if I yet can see that. On one hand I hate this, on the other it seems natural and as balance to the repetition.

You may want to study some Japanese haiku's too as they are really good for the grasping transient beauty theme-they even have a word for it-but I'll be damned if I know it.

Maybe. But it's not beauty of writings I lack. Actually, I love poetry and every kind of writing (every kind of art, come to think of, but it's the only I can produce myself and thus feel closest too), but I simply would wonder how much I miss by not knowing the original language. Reading Dostoevsky or Tolstoy for example made me read whole pages again just because I wondered how much I lost by not knowing Russian. Still, I think it's a good idea, but I have yet to see if I can relate to it.

And with the whole feeling like you are part of some other kind of being but not. I have zero clue how to help you on that one-I've just gotten to the point I take it as a given in my life and ask "Well I'm here, now what do I do?"

Oh, I'm sure there are things one has to figure out for oneself. It's okay if nobody can help me, as long as I can. I wouldn't want you to tell me the absolute truth for me anyway.

As for the stable loving relationships-Just because something isn't gold doesn't mean it doesn't have value...and for the not wanting that realising you have lost control of your own emotions and someone else does is a terrifying part of being head over heals in love....But you know I still think it's worth it....more terrifying than skydiving but still worth it.

Isn't it interesting how gold is actually useless to us yet we value it higher than anything of real worth? I fear I might be caught in its brilliance and forget the real value of it. I simply don't know, I don't think I'm ready yet, but then, I might never really be. Now, if I just knew somebody to risk trying for.

With the anger-try either taking it out with your paints (you may even like the results more) or perhaps martial arts....It is amazing how punching a red leather flap drains you aggression to the world. (Personally I blame neuropeptides)

Martial arts I have tried. But it felt too repetitive and too stable for me. But that was years ago, I might try it. With paintings the problem is that I can't get anything right. I have a perfect picture in my head and then when painting it I somehow fail and end up destroying it for not being perfect. Anger doesn't help in the least with that. I rather stay with appreciating that of others instead, as it is in an area I can work with.

To Conclude it can be a serious problem, what you are dealing with. I totally bombed my Uni applications years ago because of this. It can get messy. I doubt that anyone here recommending it would get you to see professional help because you realize you have a problem but don't really see yourself as sick (Totally WAGing it here-but the story implies it).

Well, I already think of professional help. Just, my first impression was no good one and it's actually very hard for me to open myself and say yes, I'll do it now. I somehow never get to the point that I can openly say that. Still, I see myself as sick. All evidence shows that (well, if three different Psychologists say the same independent of each other I doubt I can refuse it) I am.

I might recommend travel and trying LOTS and LOTS of new things to see if you can find anything that grabs you hard enough that you want to make it work period...something where failure would not be acceptable no matter what. I won't say you'll ever find that but searching would be something I'd recommend-maybe in Uni.

It's not like there is nothing that grabs me. Quite the opposite actually, I can see myself doing a lot. Unfortunately, so can everyone else and thus I can't really decide what to do. Sometimes I feel like caught between my own urges. I can see myself in so many things and yet they are... far.

Well, one thing I have decided, and that is studying in a foreign country. I'm not sure as to where yet, but I don't want to stay here anymore, that much is clear to me.

After he had the guts to say something that made me cry so hard, I had to go home from school! Who did he think he was, doing something like that?!

A boy. A stupidly in love one, but still, just a person. I doubt his intention was to make you cry though.

So I ignored him. I was good at it. He would try to get me to talk to him, but I never said a word. He kept following me around, trying to get me to talk to him, and not spending a ****ing second thinking about how much he'd hurt me.

If he ****ing loved me, why didn't he actually sit down and think about what he could have possibly ****ing told me that would make me get so ****ing pissed off? He seriously hurt me, and couldn't figure out how! He's supposed to be smart! If he'd asked any of our friends, they would have told him that they saw me sitting outside the lybrary, crying so ****ing hard that I couldn't stop!

A, but teenagers are like that. His love probably says "I want you" maybe even "I want you to want me", but it's still a basic urge. A simple, egoistical "I want. And I want it now!" Now let me ask you, if an instinct was rational, would it still be an instinct?

Then he went all emo. He stopped grooming himself, he stopped talking to me, he couldn't even look at me. If anything, I only felt worse. That's not ****ing fair! He really hurts me, and has no idea how, and then goes and makes me feel horrible!

No he doesn't. He simply has no clue as to how it hurts you. Instead, he thinks of his own pain and how he can mope in it. Simply put, he's stupid and not even aware of it.

And he bounced back pretty quick, to. Just a few weeks later, it turns out he was dating one of my other close friends. Oh, I'm still friends with her, but I can't get over what a jerk he is.

If he really doesn't mean anything to you, why should you even care? Why should it matter who he annoys now, that he finally stopped to have you as his target? Why are you upset, because you feel bad for her falling for such a jerk, or because you're not his centre of attention anymore. Woah, I sound harsh. That's not my intention. What I mean to say is, oftentimes we like to be centre of the attention of others, even if we don't really like the attention. Nothing feels worse than to be ignored, or to be the fifth wheel. But what do I know, being antisocial and only observant.

can the world explode or something please?

Nope sorry, won't do. It's pretty close to impossible destroying it completely. Now, killing all life forms on earth, that's quite easy. But blow up a huge ball of metal and rocks, sorry, won't do.

Let me tell you all something that will depress the ever living crap out of you.

In five years, you will look back at high school and go 'man, those were the good old days.'

Unless you go to 'real' college, then maybe not. But it's pretty much downhill from there. Sorry.

Memory's strange, isn't it. It's funny how we usually only remember the good things, but not the long time in between. I won't trust anybody saying how earlier all was better, because, well, memory's pretty problematic. As we like to say es is a Hund. (It's a dog, it means it's a scoundrel, it's not completely honest. Bah, that's hard to translate)

Umm for the sake of full disclosure there is something I didn't tell you guys. I think about suicide. A lot. I doubt I'd ever do it but I've thought about it.

Now, what do you mean with thoughts of suicide? Do you mean you see yourself dead? In which instance? For example, I see myself dying when I drive in a car quite often. Same when I am on heights, or when I use oil and see a burning person dance in the night. Or do simply think of how you would do it, because that's fairly normal and definitely nothing new to me, surely older than my depression.

Or what I also have, I see loppers and picture myself cutting my biggest left toe off. I then check my left foot for the next fifteen minutes if it's still there. But that's not suicide.

The thing that got me depressed this time was planning my birthday. I usually love this sort of thing but its starting to bug me. I wanted to do something but my mum tells me we can't afford it. I get mega-pissed and wonder why she didn't tell me before even though I think she knew what I wanted to do. But maybe she misinterpreted something. She better have. So I can't do what I wanted to do. But there isn't anything else I want to do. This makes me even more pissed.

I sense great anger in you... Okay, I'll stop with that. Really, I wonder if you should be so angry about something so minimal. She said you can't afford it, so what? It's not like she forgot it or something. And why should you even care about birthdays? It's not like it's really special. Rather than that it's more or less like any other day. She probably just misinterpreted you, thinking she does hurt you for deliberately sounds a bit paranoid to me. I'm sure it's not her intention to destroy your party.

Then I went to bed (you know that). And woke up (you also know that). I was feeling really lonely. There are no people I want to hang out with, no people I want to invite (the last time I invited non-family was my 13th...). When this goes on for years like it has, it starts to get to me.

I'm sure you will find people you want to hang out with. Eventually (plus, I'm sure some here could feel hurt by your words)

At times I feel this extreme loneliness and that "why does the world hate me?" feeling.

It doesn't. Frankly, it couldn't care less about you or anyone else. Yes, the world's an apathetic b*tch. But it works that way. There sure are people who don't want to miss you and don't hate you, search them, find them and have a good day. And don't make them feel bad by acting like they wouldn't care about you.

I turn 16 on Monday. This has been a horrible way to spend my last week of being 15. I don't want it to end like this! I've also not been looking forward to turning 16 for other reasons. I also don't want to feel lonely, so I posted here to try and get rid of a bit of that.

Then change it. Go out and work on it, until you don't feel lonely anymore.

Wow, either I sound whiny or like a total ass. Neither is my intention, but I lack the middleground. I also feel extremely self-centred now.