The Depression Thread

[sktarq]

You made me think long of that. All I can say is, you might be correct. After all, I'm a perfectionist. I simply can't do anything under my own expectations, to the point that I rather do not, instead of failing them. That might also be a reason it took me so long to answer this post.

Well I'm glad you thought about it. I'd prod you to keep thinking about it...if not what I said then what you would explain it as that's different...but I'm apporox 6K miles from your marked location so the only way to do that is: *poke*
*poke*

Turn off might be the wrong term. More like do other things to not think of a particular problem. Just, that also means I can't read anything, because it makes me feel guilty I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, and I can't do what I'm supposed to, since it makes me think of my situation and keeps me off anything to change it. It took me days to even start learning, because every time I went there I got "deeper" thoughts. Which means up to suicidal or what I call "floating".

Right-avoidence-nah never heard of it. Never done it myself. None no-siree-bob. (heck who do I think I'm kidding)....As for focus leading to suicidal or depressive thoughts I recomend turning any project into a bunch of little ones if you can. It help allot of people (not me but I swear I've seen it work). When you say "learning" do you mean school or learning about the way you do this?

What can I say. I don't have such a person. I keep very far from other people, meaning I don't even get asked for something, and my mother for example is far too proud to ever ask for help. That also means I feel absolutely powerless.

Getting closer to people was a big help for me. Other people can be a pain in the rear but they are also my friends, lovers, loves, foes, nemesises, and all those other things that spice life up so much that I care. Also I found I really LIKE helping people....I am not talking about helping with the homework type stuff but musings on life, dealing with the a teenage agst breakup, the death or divorse of parents, somebody having a bit of a personality crisis, depression or something else about people. Most people are pretty neet if you get up close to them-no matter how hard it can be to see their good sides and easy to fault them from a distance. Your current status as an outsider and objective observer will actuall be a big help in these kind of non-small talk situations. It was by helpping others that I was pulled out of the little isolationist shell I had grown. And your mother may not be the best person to try helpping...Start with your peers....

Oh, I do that very often. Actually, I love nature. It's beauty is one of the few absolutes I agree on. But it also makes me think of its (transience? I would like to use "Vergänglichkeit" but have no clue as how to translate it.) and only more depressive. It's kind of strange, but exactly what usually makes me happy, makes me sad now. Take the four seasons for example. They always are the same. It kinda makes me sad to see something repeat itself again and again and again. Or a forest, I walk through it and only see the destruction caused by humans, rather than the beauty of it.
I do not know if I yet can see that. On one hand I hate this, on the other it seems natural and as balance to the repetition.... Reading Dostoevsky or Tolstoy for example made me read whole pages again just because I wondered how much I lost by not knowing Russian. Still, I think it's a good idea, but I have yet to see if I can relate to it.

Why are the seasons sad? Each season is a little different really...Not really sure exactly what you are getting at with this one....Know of too many things it could be....Is it seeing the negative in general...both in nature and everything else? A stuck feeling that such things as the seasons remind you of?
When I say to see its beauty as more FOR its transience I'm trying to get you to see its greater value in the idea that it is sometthing more rare and the experience is more special for that.(Edits out 4th dimention explination)..Something that will soon disappear is something that also MUST be enjoyed now in this moment and this life...it is also not something that you can just get used to or come to take for granted beacause by the time you do-it will be gone. In
And yeah, Russian lit-yeah it works that way...There is really no way around it except to learn every language on the planet that has writen something down you want to learn from. This may be a place to leave your perfectionism at the door. Instead of learning everything possible by one source (by learning the language) try learning as much as you can from several sources. I still got much enjoyment, and new ways of thinking, from Yegevny Zamutin's "We" eventhough it was the book which made me actually want to learn Russian due to the whole "what does the translation leave out?" issue.

Isn't it interesting how gold is actually useless to us yet we value it higher than anything of real worth? I fear I might be caught in its brilliance and forget the real value of it. I simply don't know, I don't think I'm ready yet, but then, I might never really be. Now, if I just knew somebody to risk trying for.

Very true gold is just about worthless in a practical sence (except as a highly stable plating for drinking vessels and being able to see gold ornamented things easier in the dark-(pre industrial revolution uses that is)). As for getting caught in its brillience I might point out that a surprizing amount of love is based in the lower brain-it requires both the head and the heart to fall. As for finding someone to risk that much for....All I can recomend is time, being out there for people to meet and actually get to know, being active in exposing yourself to new people and places (not to mention you get to pick up new friends, stories, info, and often places to crash on the other side of the globe-it's fun).

Martial arts I have tried. But it felt too repetitive and too stable for me. But that was years ago, I might try it. With paintings the problem is that I can't get anything right. I have a perfect picture in my head and then when painting it I somehow fail and end up destroying it for not being perfect. Anger doesn't help in the least with that. I rather stay with appreciating that of others instead, as it is in an area I can work with.

One thing about martial arts....They are repeditive for along time....at least a year of regular practice....but then something else happens. The basic moves are internalised in your mind and start to "just happen". Like when you write in cursive; a complicated muscle command is compleated with little to no active thought. This helps with all sorts of mental issues-it promotes mental and emotional discipline while still giving a vent port to aggressivness. Builds confidence and it makes you much harder to intimidate. Also you get all the benefits of exercise on your body and mind.
As for the paint have you tried painting from the emotion first instead of the mental picture? This again needs years of skill building to work right because once you are good enough technically the emotions you blast onto the paper actually carry your emotions onto other people when they view it.-Keep trying there is always hope in this avenue.

Well, I already think of professional help. Just, my first impression was no good one and it's actually very hard for me to open myself and say yes, I'll do it now. I somehow never get to the point that I can openly say that. Still, I see myself as sick. All evidence shows that (well, if three different Psychologists say the same independent of each other I doubt I can refuse it) I am.

I have to admit never liking professional help, even the very idea of it. Part of it is that they do have an interest, even a subconcious one, in saying I'm sick and need to come back regularly for treatment. Maybe I have have my own pride issues with this sort of thing (okay I do but that's a different story-let's just say I relate to your mother on this one) but I'd say go for whatever works. I know that trying a bunch of different ones until you "click" has been important for several of my friends. And see if you can find ones that are comfortable talking about other things besides getting you to just "open up" right away-they can be few and far between depending on the local caseload but if you have trouble opening up may be worth the effort of searching.

It's not like there is nothing that grabs me. Quite the opposite actually, I can see myself doing a lot. Unfortunately, so can everyone else and thus I can't really decide what to do. Sometimes I feel like caught between my own urges. I can see myself in so many things and yet they are... far.

I'm not talking about things you do well at. Doing well at just about everything is another kind of curse that most western culture doesn't know how to deal with it. The fact that everybody else tells you about it all the time just makes you feel worse because finding limits nowhere is about as guiding as finding limits everywhere but saying it makes you feel like crap and a spoilsport for having tons of talent. That is not what I'm talking about-I am talking about something that grabs you and says you REALLY want to do THIS. A passion not a talent.

Well, one thing I have decided, and that is studying in a foreign country. I'm not sure as to where yet, but I don't want to stay here anymore, that much is clear to me.

Kudos! Good luck with that!