hello everyone, my name is phantomhermit

*hello phantomhermit*

*sits down and takes a sip of coffee*

i have been to too many of those and i am feeling down tonight because of an indirect insult given to me on these forums. it amounted to "useless damn bastard" and, like most things, i thought about each word individually before putting them together. now i know that next to no one knows me on here, and those who do dont know me that well, but i am going to go ahead and spill my guts. in a very general sense. i have severe mental illnesses that keep me from doing pretty much anything more than sleeping all day from the effects of my meds. there is the useless part. the only thing i contribute to my family is in the form of a modified form of wellfare and all of that is spent on my meds. useless, except for my exceptional wit and charm i guess. pah! i can stare down a pit bull with its teeth bared but i cant load the dishwasher. odd thing that. i will get back to that in a second. now to "damn." with all the dealings i have had with the dark powers that be, i am not sure as to my status amongst the forces that decide what happens to me when i die. i am an odd mix of religion and philosophy. i am taoist/pagan/christian. to put it bluntly, i believe in inner balance and harmony, the sanctity of nature, and jesus as the means of "cleansing" all the "bad stuff" from my record. but how far can you go on one side of the fence until you cannot go back to the other? perhaps that is why i do not know myself- because i dont will myself to step further away from the wall than i ever have before. perhaps i am weak. and perhaps i am just depressed. it is late and my head is swimming and i feel faint, but i need to hack this out before i go to bed. honestly i know that pretty much everyone gives a **** about me, but not enough to actually read this thing, so if you have made it this far, i applaud you. i have a girlfriend. we are planning on getting married once she is out of college, and i cant support a family. the current plan is to get a job at the local liquor store here in town and try to stay there long enough to make seven dollars and hour. and i am going to take some online college courses. i want to be a computer programmer. i want to be normal and messed up just like everyone else; not like this *puts head in hands* no one understands me because of my mental illness and it isnt like i can explain it that well either. and i know this is just some crap-shoot full of self-pity, but i really am hurting and i dont know how to make it go away. i have tried god, jesus, religion, alcohol, drugs, sex, video games . . . . the only time i feel at home is when i am playing dnd with my friend peguinsushi. he is only a little older than me, but i view him as a father figure. o yeah, my father died in my arms when i was twelve. forgot to mention that. i cant quite seem to forget it fully though. well anyway, here is a tribute! i raise my water glass to you dnd people. without you, life would be empty- even with all that i may ever possess, your friendship means more to me than anything else in this world. you guys understand me. you guys love me. and the odd thing is this was all started by a flame by Koda. i know it shouldnt hurt, but when anyone calls me something like a "useless damn bastard" it really irks me. in person anyone who challenges my father's honor gets to deal with three hundred pounds of mean. and in person i would probably just let it slide. but when it is written, it is etched in stone. a very great banker once said "think alot; speak little; write nothing." i know i should put this on a freaking blog or something, but no one reads those, and this forum is the closest thing to home that i have except when i am gaming, and i am just a pixie for thor's sake. funny that. gotta think about that. cheers, drink up, and smoke em if you got em- and if you have any advice, send me a pm. i havnt gotten one yet and it will make my day. trust me.