1. - Top - End - #40
    Ogre in the Playground
    banjo1985's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Worlds Without Number by Rational Goblin

    There's something rather Lovecraftian about this, more in the way of suggesting the existence of dimensional horrors just beyond the vale than the general atmosphere of the piece. It's solid work, and you writing style is a little rough around the edges whilst showing sparks of your very real talent. I immediately feel sympathetic towards the intern, the narrator of the story as he is, which I fell is a good thing from what he's going to experience later on. The beginning of your prose, with the business-like man and the slightly nutty professor kind of reminds me of Jasper Fforde's work, again a very good thing. As a first chapter of a book, this would have me interested.

    A few criticisms though. There are too many comma's around that work, and a few misplaced examples do break up the admirable flow of your narrative. The dialogue, or monologue as it has been by necessity so far, is okay but possibly a little unreal. I can't really see anyone talking like the businessman does, it just doesn't seem realistic, but maybe I'm just missing the point. Your description, at times, could use a little polish. These kind of things come with practice though, so they're no big thing.

    All in all a well crafted beginning to a potentially very interesting story that's just a little rough around the edges.

    I will post some form of prose here at some point, if it kills me...the way my writing's been going recently it probably will.
    Last edited by banjo1985; 2009-09-17 at 01:38 PM.

    Excellent Elan & Yoshi avatar by Mr Saturn