1. - Top - End - #160
    Bugbear in the Playground

    Join Date
    Jul 2009

    Thumbs up Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Would a story dealing with racism be allowed, or is it blocked by the forum rules? I have a story which I would like to put up, but I am not sure it would be suitable.

    In the mean time:
    Critique of Chapter One of RL, by Emerald Pheonix
    Quote Originally Posted by EmeraldPhoenix View Post
    CHAOS >> General Address >> Farewell, CHAOS.
    She is the creator of CHAOS. At age 17, it is time to pass on the burden to someone else. She has become too old for this. She is almost an adult, and CHAOS is not the place for adults.
    “My dear fellow members,” she types. “I have gathered you all here with a confession to make. At 1:08, a mere few minutes from now, It will be official. 18 revolutions of the sun will have passed since the day I was brought into the world.”
    She presses enter, and continues.
    “It is time for me to choose the next leader of CHAOS. You are all wonderful. You are all worthy. But only one can handle the task set before them.”
    Enter. Comments. Continue.
    “I am so sad to leave, and I will continue to watch, to guard over you as you continue on your chaotic ways. But someone else will take over from here.”
    Even now, people were scrambling to type heartbroken, incredulous replies. But she continued nevertheless.
    “The new leader. The new leader of CHAOS is...”
    The comments stop suddenly. She can feel everyone holding their breath.
    Solemn agreement. Arguments are too petty for this quiet moment of loss and mourning. That will come later.
    “JadeDragon, please step up. You are needed.”
    A quiet moment. People are waiting. And finally, a timid reply.
    “It is up to you, now. Don’t let them get too out of control. Don’t let ORDER get too cocky. Make sure...”
    She presses enter, trying to think of the words.
    “Make sure...that the world doesn’t get too complacent. You can do this. You are the new leader of CHAOS.”
    A heartbeat.
    “I will fulfill my duties as needed, SapphireOwl. I will help keep the CHAOS. I will protect our innocent. I will do everything I can.”
    “That is all I can ask.” Replies SapphireOwl. “It is all that you should have to do. And now, I bid you all farewell.”
    They leave a flood of goodbyes in her wake.
    “Goodbye, CHAOS. May you prosper.”
    And she presses the button next to JadeDragon’s name, “Appoint”, and logs off of the CHAOS forum.

    CHAOS >> The Stage >> A Sight for Sore Eyes

    JadeDragon opens the door to the kitchen, slipping into the turmoil unnoticed. She pulls a Katana from the sword rack, and holds it to GreyAndroid's throat. "Any last words?"

    “Well,” he says. “I’ve always wanted to say this...”
    He holds up a can of mace, spraying it in her face.
    “Gotcha.” He crows, jumping over her body.

    RubyWeasel grabs a bullhorn, and yells “STOP!”.

    JadeDragon peeks through her lids at him.

    GreyAndroid looks over from the doorway, hesitating.

    BloodSquid looks over from his spot on top of the counter. He kicks BlueSheep, and then immediately denies ever doing any such thing.

    BlueSheep innocently “accidently” pushes BloodSquid off the counter, turning towards RubyWeasel.

    LimePhoenix looks down on the mess from his comfortable place on the ceiling. These boots are really handy.

    CopperFeline stretches, wondering what’s going on. After a moment of contemplation, she asks, “What’s going on?”

    LemonLabrador enters the room. “Shush.” He whispers. “I think RubyWeasel was going to say something.”

    OrangePanda growls “Just say whatever you were going to goddamn say before I rip your head off. I want to get back to killing things.” She then proceeds to pick up a very large steak knife, for dramatic effect.

    RubyWeasel deftly disarms OrangePanda, saying “I know we’re all happy fighting eachother, but I don’t think any of you have noticed.”

    LemonLabrador sighs. “Noticed what?”

    “Yeah,” Bloodsquid asks, reaching up and “accidently” making BlueSheep fall off the counter as well. “Noticed what?”

    “ORDER hasn’t appointed a new leader yet.” RubyWeasel growls. “And it’s 1:30. In the morning.”

    CHAOS >> General Address >> ORDER Has Broken Code
    CHAOS is usually on generally “good” terms with ORDER. Sure, we may hate eachother. True, we may kill members whenever given the chance, or even, really, when we’re not given the chance. It would not be wrong to say that a longstanding battle has been erupting since the two groups were created, in actuality. But previous to this instance, it has all been in good, loyal fun.

    Yes, we kill and kidnap, but it’s all part of the game. It’s all part of the cat and mouse chase.

    But now, ORDER is crossing the line.

    As all of you will by now know, CHAOS appointed a new leader, JadeDragon, this morning. SapphireOwl retired her position as leader, and rightfully so, as it fulfills the code set out all those years ago. No adults may lead or be a part of CHAOS or ORDER.

    But it is far past those minutes of anguish and remorse, and yet ORDER has not given up their leader, ThePaladin. He is still in charge, and even as we have tried to contact him, we have failed to receive any response.

    Except for this helpful tidbit: “I’m not leaving. Cheers, @ssholes.”




    NO MANS LAND >> Arguments >> One Last Call for Peace

    We know that you may have messed up. We know that there may have been some kind of mistake or bad judgement call. Maybe someone got drunk. Maybe they failed to realize what they were starting.

    So CHAOS is generously allowing you to live.

    For now.

    If you don’t appoint a new leader within 24 hours, however, punches will be thrown.

    Bombs detonated.

    And there will be nothing stopping it from leaking into the worst frontier of all.


    We would make that sacrifice. We would bring it into RL. If it comes to that, we will bring it into RL.

    But here’s hoping it doesn’t.

    Adults are expressly forbidden in CHAOS and ORDER. And at eighteen years old, as SapphireOwl’s twin, you, ThePaladin, are an adult. You are hereby forced by duty to appoint a new leader. And log out.

    The code has been broken.

    Don’t make us kill you.



    TheArchitect snickers. “It wasn’t a mistake. We have an upper hand now.”

    TheLibrarian gasps. “Seriously? Oh, jesus. ThePaladin needs to get his sorry ass up here now, or we’re going to have a problem on our hands. Not everyone wants to start an RL war, TheArchitect.”

    ThePilot joins TheLibrarian in his gasping and indignation. “God-fragging-damn it, ThePaladin has crossed the line.

    TheGeneral flips them off. “Ah, yer a cuple ah pansies. What’s a war? And if we ‘ave the up’er ‘and, we’ll win. What’s the effing problem?”

    TheSoldier heartily agrees. “You’re all just pansies over there in CHAOS. ORDER knows how it’s done.

    LemonLabrador growls at TheSoldier. “I’ll cut your head off, you stupid ORDER member. With a blunt knife. This is across the line. This is not friendly killing. This is a direct violation of the only reason we don’t beat eachother up in RL. The code is the reason there is balance.”

    TheArchitect sneers “CHAOS is so predictable. “I’ll cut your head off.” “I’ll kill you.” “I hate RL.” Don’t you ever say anything different?”

    TheGeneral agrees. “Seriously, what is your problem with RL?”

    “What happens in RL happens.” GreyAndroid says. “What happens online can be erased. Deleted. When you get beaten in RL, you get bruises. When you get beaten in CHAOS, you get drama. When you die in RL, you’re dead. When you die in CHAOS, you get resurrected. I don’t know about you, but I much prefer not dying for real.”

    TheFighter grimaces. “That’s bullcrap. You’re just being gay.”

    LimePhoenix whispers, “Oh, no. Oh, no, you didn’t.” He has a horrified look on his face, and also a pitying one.

    OrangePanda backs away slowly, shielding his face from the coming explosion. “Dude.” He mouthes. “You are so screwed.”

    TheFighter glances around, and, seeing nothing, snaps “What the hell are you talking about?”

    BloodSquid grabs TheFighter by the neck, throwing him bodily against the wall.
    “Gay.” He yells. “IS. NOT. AN. INSULT!”
    He is furiously throtteling TheFighter with enough force to break the bones in his neck. TheFighter’s lifeless body slumps to the ground. Everyone scatters but BlueSheep, following closely behind him with a similar expression.

    “What the FRAG, man?” BlueSheep shouts. “You do not EVER say ‘gay’ and mean ‘stupid’. That’s just NOT cool, bro.”

    TheArchitect guards the body of his fallen comrade, striking out against the two-man assault. “That’s one more rule of code broken, then.” He growls. “No fighting in No Man’s Land.”

    “Frag the rules.” JadeDragon seethed. “This is war.”

    ThePaladin smiles as he enters the room. “Yes, JadeDragon. It is.”
    I think this is an incredibly inventive idea. Two organisations, CHAOS and ORDER, fundamental opposites of the world, waging war. I was gripped by it, and it is very well written. However, the colours did get distracting. I understand that you want to distinguish very plainly between the different people, however it does make it hard to read in places, especially the yellow. You should use darker, subtler colours.
    It was also not quite clear at times whether they were conversing over the internet, or in real life. In the last spoiler, I thought it was over the internet until there was all the physical action because of TheFighter missusing the word gay.
    I also find it rather ironic that it is ORDER who breaks the rules, and CHAOS who sticks to them.
    Good job, It is a very interesting plot idea, and a great story overall!
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2010-06-03 at 05:19 AM.