Stupid and Useless Abilities

[Yodaman23]

Hey guys,
I'll be short, I am home brewing a Mystery Men RPG and need your help. Yes Mystery Men as in the Ben Stiller film about crappy "super" heros.
I need a lot of powers that are pretty much useless but may still be useful in a situation or two. For example, psychically controlling butter or at will projectile vomiting.
They should be entertaining and can't be too powerful.
Work those creative juices, thank you.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Dodge - The ability to automatically dodge ANY attack... as long as you were told at least three days in advance of the particulars of the attack. For example, someone saying "I'm going to shoot you" does not work. It has to be specific: "Next Tuesday, after Noon, I'm going to walk up to you, pull out a machine gun, and riddle you full of holes". Useful against the Joker, who tells you what he is going to do as part of a head game, but otherwise useless.

Static Cling - The ability to manipulate static cling in garments. Useful for skirt watching, or making sure you are immaculate in attire. Also makes you immune to cat hair on your clothing.

Sneeze - The ability to make anyone sneeze on command. While generally useless, imagine what would happen if someone attempting a delicate operation (forging a document, picking a lock, rigging explosives) were to sneeze in the middle of the task...

Mr./Ms. Normal - The ability to negate any super ability he can sense. Probably doesn't believe in super abilities, either. Super powers simply don't work in front of him. As long as he doesn't sense it, it happens normally. Superman falls from the sky when Mr. Normal sees him soaring, and assumes it was a jumper. It's not anything he does consciously, he just doesn't believe in super powers so much that they don't function when he is observing them. Considering only the party, and maybe the BBEG, will have any super powers, this isn't particularly powerful.

The Emo - Completely and totally immune to any and all... self-inflicted wounds.

Postcognition - This ability gives the supernatural insight of what the perfect solution for a problem is... just after it has been solved.

Movie Buff - The supernatual ability to perfectly and instantly recall any quote or detail from any movie ever viewed. He could tell you exactly how many nose-hairs the actor had during any given scene, but could not necessarily recognise that actor if he were met walking down a street.

[Yodaman23]

Off to a great start, those are awesome. Mr./Ms. Normal seems like it would be too powerful.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Off to a great start, those are awesome. Mr./Ms. Normal seems like it would be too powerful.

The Normal operates under the supposition that super powers are extremely rare in the game, thus the only people it would inconvenience the majority of the time would be the other players. If you face off against other supers frequently, then yes, it would be more powerful.

Also, it only negates those powers which he can directly observe. It would not impact, for example, Postcognition, because people often go "Oh, I know what we should have done back there..." all the time. It would only impact powers with visible effects, such as flying, shooting lasers out of eyes, and other such 'unreal' phenomona.

[Ashtagon]

Social Invisibility: No one pays any attention to you.

[Dienekes]

Telepathy, all the time you constantly hear what every single person in a mile (2 miles well whatever distance you want) is saying at the same time, causing a constant cluttering of noise that is impossible to focus. For added torment this includes animal thoughts... fear the hyper squirrels.

[Myou]

Puppy Love - The ability to appear hugely attractive to dogs.

Pastamancy - The ability to animate overcooked pasta. Sadly pasta is pretty soft and yeilding, pretty useless as a weapon.

Mudbreathing - The ability to breathe under mud.

Sea Man - The ability to talk to fish. Note that you cannot breathe underwater.

Laservision - For the love of god, don't blink!

Frictionless - You can annul all friction within one metre of your person. I hope you have a Fly spell handy.

Master of Light - You can cast Dancing Lights once a day as an SLA.

Creamy - You sweat cream.

Lingering Odour - Your body odours linger on anything you touch for months.

Dodge - During your action, you designate an opponent and receive a +1 dodge bonus to Armor Class against attacks from that opponent. You can select a new opponent on any action.

Coffee Addict - If you drink more than 100 cups of coffee in an single day you may cast Time Stop as an SLA once before the day is out. If you don't drink 100 cups you get the shakes and go into a coma until you get the coffee you need.

Short Change - Coins of a value of less than 1sp are magnetically attracted towards you.

Death Beard - Anyone who shaves your beard will die.

Rainbow Boy - Your skin and hair shimmers and ripples with all of the colours of the rainbow. You look gorgeous. <3

Knowledge (BDSM)

Rock Tumble - You are skilled in the use of rock tumblers and falling electric guitars.

Emoting - Cute emoticons appear over your head to display your moods.

Invisible Hair - All of your bodyhair is invisible.

Blatant Liar - Your body produces light as the Light spell whenever you tell a lie.

Hypercontinence - You never need to go to the toilet. Ever.

Light as a Feather - You weigh 1/100th what you should.

Bouncy - Your bones are made of rubber. Walking may be a challenge.

Immune to Shampoo - Shampoo cannot harm you.

Unbreakable - You have damage reduction 20/water. And everyone knows it

Never Lost - Even the most incomprehensible plots and storylines make sense to you.

Razor Wit - You can deal slashing damage with any attack as long as you make a cutting remark immediately beforehand.

Alphabetical Orders - You can make items arrange themselves in alphabetical order with the power of your mind.

I could go on all day. XD
I hope some of those are helpful.

[Pyrusticia]

Pyro - can, at will, summon up a flame from his fingertip, about the size that you'd get from a cigarette lighter. Useful for party tricks, and would often carry around a can of hairspray for a small makeshift flamethrower (except that he's disarmed any time he goes onto an airplane...rats!).

Just Won't Die - has a form of regeneration that works slowly (but surely!) and only kicks in when he's near death (in D&D terms, negative hp, including beyond -10). Doesn't really help during the fight, or between fights that are close together, but ensures this will be a recurring hero/villain. (Wait, didn't I kill you last month? Um...I got better...?).

[Collin152]

Moist. You're... moist. All of the time. But hey, if anyone ever needs something dampened, or made soggy...

[Yodaman23]

I love death beard that is great.
Some of the ones I have come up with;

KGB-Despite all rational thinking, everyone you meet believes you to be a KGB agent. Regardless of time period, location, or relationship to the person you are always a Russian to them.

...he drives the van!-You’re the guy who drives the van. The SUPER VAN! You begin play with a large van of a make no later than 1985. You have a start with a 4D Drive van skill under Mechanical and no matter what happens to your van you will always have a new on in your driveway.

All Seer-You don’t blink, ever. It’s really creepy and you hold several awards for staring contests.

The Big Man-From either watching a lot of TV or just idolizing commercials you have made a personal hero of the Kool Aid Man. You have practiced your whole like and are now able to break through wall just like him. You are only able to do so when shouting “Oh Yeah!” or a special version of your own making and you need a constant supply of sugary Kool Aid to give you energy.

Super Nanny-With a commanding voice that is no doubt filled with some UK accent you are able to give people time outs on the naughty stool. By placing your stool on the ground, pointing at the subject and giving them a good verbal pranging the subject will sit on the stool until told to do so or goes into a fit of crying through hunger and potty time.

Immune to glass-You have entamaphobia, a fear of doors. Why you have that fear only you can say but it prevents you from using doors. Instead you have to enter and exit a building through windows in a dramatic fashion. All that leaping through glass has made you immune to damage from glass.

[Dienekes]

Moist. You're... moist. All of the time. But hey, if anyone ever needs something dampened, or made soggy...

Best ability ever.

[Izmir Stinger]

Panacea Tongue - You can heal most wounds by licking the effected area for 5-20 minutes.

Anagram Awareness - You are instantly aware of all possible English words and phrases that can be spelled with the same letters as any word or phrase you see in writing.

Athletic Osmosis - You are exactly as strong/flexible/agile/dexterous as any person you are currently watching that is engaged in an activity displaying these abilities. If they cease displaying their abilities, or your view of them is interrupted, you immediately cease to have those abilities.

Photographic Memory - You can recall every conceivable detail of any scene/event if you have personally photographed/recorded it AND subsequently viewed the resulting photograph/movie.

X-Ray Eyes - You can emit a beam of X-rays up to an intensity of 200 kV from each of your eyes. Prolonged exposure to X-Rays at this intensity significantly increase your victims' risk of cancer. Your visual perception range is the same as everyone else.

Extra-retail Perception - You know the current market value (when it is new) of every commercially available object you see. You are also able to express any monetary value in terms of what you can buy with it. (e.g. "$750! That's 124 paperbacks from Baen Books, a number 11 value meal from Burger King and a pack of Five Gum!")

[Lorn]

...he drives the van!-You’re the guy who drives the van. The SUPER VAN! You begin play with a large van of a make no later than 1985. You have a start with a 4D Drive van skill under Mechanical and no matter what happens to your van you will always have a new on in your driveway.

This seems really, really abusable. You're waiting for your average Joe Chaos to park the van round the corner... every day... for a month. Or maybe sell them off.

All Seer-You don’t blink, ever. It’s really creepy and you hold several awards for staring contests.

I can do that ish...



Hm. How about..

.. the ability to make cake levitate?

.. the ability to remove dust from any surface by touching it?

.. the inability to get drunk?

.. the ability to make anything, no matter how foul, smell slightly less foul?

.. the ability to turn one kind of wood into a different kind of wood?

.. the ability to solve any jigsaw puzzle in a matter of seconds?

.. the ability to lock doors that used to be locked, but only if the door had been seen to be locked under an hour ago?

.. Family Guy-esque theme music? (As in, the episode where Peter gets three wishes. Two of which are his own theme music and no bones.)

[JackMage666]

*cough cough* Self-ploy *cough cough*
These are from the archives, but thematically might help...

Warshovel
AND
Trench Digger

These were not designed with this in mind, but as someone mentioned...

[Yodaman23]

I like those stats for the Warshovel.

[KBF]

This seems really, really abusable. You're waiting for your average Joe Chaos to park the van round the corner... every day... for a month. Or maybe sell them off.

It's the same van, every time. You find you somehow have acquired a huge debt after spending the cash you made off that van on booze.

[Arcane_Snowman]

Super Dancer: You know every conceivable dance move performed throughout the entirety of history, whether you have the physique to execute them is something different.

Stupid Questions: Whenever you ask an question that someone perceives as idiotic, that person is compelled to answer. This ability does not function if you ask anything that that person perceives as relevant.

[MisterSaturnine]

Lord of the One Unbuttoned: You always know if there is a button unbuttoned within a 1 mile radius. This does not give you the power to button them with the power of your mind--you just know.

Not-Josef-Stalin-Lad: You have the infallible ability to know whether or not someone is Josef Stalin, former General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

"Hey, You Look Kind of Like..." Man: You bear a resemblance to a celebrity, though the celebrity differs depending on who's looking. The resemblance is not strong enough for someone with normal human sight to confuse you with the celebrity. The celebrity you look like to someone is not always a celebrity that they know the appearance of.

Living Atom Bomb: You can explode with the force of a hydrogen bomb without harming yourself...once. Ever. You already accidentally used the ability when the power first manifested.

[Syne]

All Smelling: You can smell things by looking at them for a couple of minutes. This has many negative consequences, as you can imagine.
Reflective Cranium: Your bald scalp is so shiny and reflective that you can use it to blind others.
Accidental Gesticulation: You tend to accidentally flip people off at the most awkward moments. The frequency is, in fact, supernatural.
Really Disturbing Gaze: Your gaze deeply disturbs others for no reason they can name. Over 3 or 4 minutes of direct staring can result in physical discomfort and an increased risk of ocular cancer.
Iron Stomach: You can digest things no human being has any right to, including plastic, wood, rubber, softer metals, and leather.
Lewd Cognition: You can find a lewd interpretation to any anecdote, sentence, phrase, situation, image, and name.

[Darth Stabber]

Headache - you have a constant headache, it doesn't impede you in any way, it just hurts, If someone is a complete jerk to you you may pass the headache off to them for 1 hour, at which time your head resumes aching.

And actually the Mr. normal guy was represented in a Mutants and Masterminds game i once played, He did believe in superpowers (he himself could also make copies of himself, and he was a genius scientist), its just that most peoples were suppressed around him (he could not control it). He ended up being the guy on the other end of the comlink researching stuff while the other heroes did the heavy lifting, that was a fun game.

[DracoDei]

The Tail - You have a large fluffy, warm tail. Choose one of the following: Skunk(innocent bystanders are usually convinced you can also spray, villains never really buy it), fox, raccoon, squirrel, or mouse/rat (in this last case the tail is long enough to wrap around most people at least 3 times. While it has a relatively strong grip, its lack of dexterity means you can't hold most objects with it, and anyone with their wits about them can easily escape if you try to grab them with it. Small children will often run up to you and yank on your tail on sight. While wrapped around a person (including yourself) they gain the following benefits:
-Immunity to hypothermia and in fact feel warm and comfy at all times.
-1 minute of wrapping after a fear condition or mental trauma induced state is induced that condition is negated for the next several hours at least. This includes PTSD, and Stockholm Syndrome.

The Horror - You appear HIDEOUSLY ugly to everyone except villains, who see you as amazingly handsome/beautiful. Despite this villains will never be romantically or sexually attracted to you in any way.

Laser Ranging Vision - You may shoot harmless rays from your eyes. These let you know the exact distance from each pupil to the first opaque or reflective object the lasers strike.

From "Sky High"
Ability to turn into a guinea-pig and back at will.

A variant:
The Kamikaze Lemming - You may transform into a lemming by concentrating for 3 seconds. Turning back requires you to die. If you did not die in a spectacular, messy, and/or violent fashion, you do not revert until you body has begun to noticeably putrefy or your corpse is mangled or some such. You appear in human form in the nearest relatively safe spot in the same state of health as you were when you assumed lemming form.

[ericgrau]

Toastmaster: You can convert sliced bread into warm toast, with butter on one side if you desire. Any quantity of bread within a range of 100 feet may be instantly converted in this fashion, but it must be un-toasted pre-sliced bread. Good for stirring up chaos at the local bakery maybe? Charitable events?

[Raging Gene Ray]

Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back to being bread again.
-Eric Graun d'Beif, Toastmaster.

[Draco Dracul]

The Cuopon- With the amazing ability to get a ten percent discont anywhere.

Master of the Centennials- Has mind control powers anyone 100 years old or older.

[Raging Gene Ray]

The Cuopon- With the amazing ability to get a ten percent discont anywhere.

Master of the Centennials- Has mind control powers anyone 100 years old or older.

These actually seem pretty useful in a D&D setting. Especially since beings over 100 years are fairly common and 10% off of +4 weapons for the entire party translates into a lot of gold.

[cha0s4a11]

Duck Man: You have a duck as an animal companion for as long as you persistently refuse to acknowledge its existence. It can typically be spotted (by others, who can and do acknowledge the existence of said duck) as either wandering around you or sitting on your head. The duck is perfectly normal and non-magical except that once you acknowledge its existence it instantly vanishes for 1d4 weeks and then reappears near you as it did before as your animal companion, still subject to disappearing if acknowledged.

[The Minx]

Laser Ranging Vision - You may shoot harmless rays from your eyes. These let you know the exact distance from each pupil to the first opaque or reflective object the lasers strike.

Very useful if you use ranged weapons a lot, and have to gauge ranged to-hit penalties and/or use spells where you have to name the range at which it will take effect.

[osyluth]

Duck Man: You have a duck as an animal companion for as long as you persistently refuse to acknowledge its existence. It can typically be spotted (by others, who can and do acknowledge the existence of said duck) as either wandering around you or sitting on your head. The duck is perfectly normal and non-magical except that once you acknowledge its existence it instantly vanishes for 1d4 weeks and then reappears near you as it did before as your animal companion, still subject to disappearing if acknowledged.

All hail Terry Pratchett!

Copper's Feet Choose one city. As long as you are outside and wearing cheap boots in that city, you know exactly where you are in that city.

[Collin152]

Best ability ever.

Yes it is. Yes it is.

[Teron]

DodgeSneeze - The ability to make anyone sneeze on command. While generally useless, imagine what would happen if someone attempting a delicate operation (forging a document, picking a lock, rigging explosives) were to sneeze in the middle of the task...

That could easily hamper someone's ability to fight if it can be used repeatedly in a short time.

The Emo - Completely and totally immune to any and all... self-inflicted wounds.

That's easy to abuse -- strap a bomb to yourself, or just chuck grenades willy-nilly without fear.

Movie Buff - The supernatual ability to perfectly and instantly recall any quote or detail from any movie ever viewed. He could tell you exactly how many nose-hairs the actor had during any given scene, but could not necessarily recognise that actor if he were met walking down a street.

Perfect retention of information from documentaries and instructional videos could yield a lot of useful knowledge and at least a significant head start on learning most skills.