Best PC Quote

[Swash Macorum]

Hey, all! I'm sure this has made its appearance on the threads before, but why not bring it back? Post your funniest, most serious, or generally favorite quote as a PC.

For me? One of them was:

[Jokingly] "If I roll a nat 1, I hit Jax in the head!" [I rolled a nat 1]

[CyMage]

My 2nd edition mage talking to someone in town. "Yes, I do a bit of magic. I can start a camp fire."

Now this was a 16-17th level mage and a bit of a pyromaniac (Blasting was actually a good tactic in previous editions) who could start a sizeable bandit camp on fire. <_<

Also my current character. Marshal3/Barb 1 at the time. Trying to knock out a prone opponent, I charge trying to deal subdual damage. Roll and confirm a crit with a Valorous weapon. DM ruled that I broke his neck. "I think I need to work on my subduing technique. Good thing there is at least 3 more enemies in those ruins."

[Ravens_cry]

"What's your safety word?"
Said the paladin to the rogue.

[banthesun]

"Are there rules for weilding babies?"

[Serpentine]

"I find a filing cabinet."
Quickly followed by something along the lines of "Oh do you now? And in a medieval fantasy setting and all?" from the DM.

[Demons_eye]

"Dancing lights, flare, zombie.... I got it lets do thriller!"

[Xefas]

For me? One of them was:

[Jokingly] "If I roll a nat 1, I hit Jax in the head!" [I rolled a nat 1]

Strange, that's happened to my group on two other separate occasions.

Ranger: "Alright, this is a sure thing! Can't miss but on a natural 1. Hell, if I roll a 1, I'll shoot our rogue in the knee, eh?"
(Proceeds to roll a 1 and temporarily cripple our rogue)

Paladin: "Spiked Chains can hit both 5 and 10 feet away, right? The wizards between me and the kobold...heh, if I roll a 1 does that mean I accidentally strangle him?"
(Proceeds to roll a 1 and garner the unending distrust of our wizard)

[Ingus]

1.
During a long run campaign, our party had a moment to relax near a pond. Our wizard: "Oh, what a wanderful place to make Froggy play?"
Us: "Who's Froggy?"
Wiz: "My familiar." Then, to the stupor of everyone else, he let down his frog and started to play with it in the pond. All other party members were jaw-pending, but my bard, having known the wiz by long time, told them: "Wizards are famous for their outstanding intelligence. He's not famous".

2.
A barbarian/frenzied berserker immobilized a troll and made it fall inconscious. Then he started to eat it. He regenerated. He ate a piece again. Regeneration.
"Free food! Ya-hooooo!"

[kieza]

"Wait. We're fighting a petroleum-drinking kobold gadget-priest in a sewer that used to be the dwelling place of an Elder Evil, and he has a mechanized idol that runs on sewage. I don't think we should rule anything out because it's improbable."

Said by a druid during a particularly bizarre one-shot of my own devisement. It was shortly after another memorable quote which I can't post here. It's...earthy.



Me: "Well, I suppose you could put sharp objects on the quickest path to the village, and it might slow the orcs. What did you have in mind?"
Dumbest Player Ever: "Well, I drank two potions and used a flask of alchemist's fire in the last fight. How about I break the vials and use sharp glass?"
Me: "Um...That's not a lot of glass. It's not going to do much."
DPE: "So it'll take out the first few waves?"



During an attempt to rescue a hostage:
Me: "Despite your clever disguises, the guard appears to be dubious about your supposed 'Jumping-Out-The-Window' contest. He's moving over to the window to take a look outside.
Much Put Upon Player: "Jake, can you keep him from seeing the prisoner?"
Dumbest Player Ever: "Sure. I use my Thunder Rod (Which makes loud noises. That's it.), laugh loudly and strike an imposing pose." <Everyone stares at him> "What?"
MPUP: "...You're a drow. You have Darkness. You use it on us every chance you get."
DPE: "What do you mean?"
MPUP: "...It's dark, and the only light is the torch you have. You could have used that so that he couldn't see you or the prisoner, who is standing five feet away."
DPE: "This is better. I'm striking a heroic pose so that he focuses on me and not the prisoner."


Shortly after the botched rescue mission:
Dumbest Player Ever: "Okay, I use sign language to tell my landlord that if he finds three strong men to rip the Duct Tape of Sealing off of my face, I'll pay him handsomely."

[Ashram]

Wizard: We have to wait until nightfall to deal with the skeletons. After all, nighttime is the time of the damned. *Wizard then stares at the party's rogue, a tiefling, of which only he knows*

Tiefling rogue, A.K.A. Me: *After taking a drink of ale* ...You're just jealous.

[Naia]

At one time my players had hitched a ride with some pegasi. One of the players apparently had a fear of heights (or me as a DM?).

Player: How high up are we?
GM: Compared to what? Sea level? The mountains?
Player: To the ground or whatever the H... I'm gonna kill myself on when I fall down...

[Serpentine]

1.
During a long run campaign, our party had a moment to relax near a pond. Our wizard: "Oh, what a wanderful place to make Froggy play?"
Us: "Who's Froggy?"
Wiz: "My familiar." Then, to the stupor of everyone else, he let down his frog and started to play with it in the pond. All other party members were jaw-pending, but my bard, having known the wiz by long time, told them: "Wizards are famous for their outstanding intelligence. He's not famous".

Pfft. We've got an elderly witch who keeps two toads in his pants. And he's meant to have incredible Charisma...

[RE:Insanity]

Had a player who was killed by a velociraptor. We can all guess what he said.

Spoiler

Show

Clever girl.

His next character was crushed by an animated fire spit.

Spoiler

Show

Clever grill.

His NEXT character was killed by a mentally unstable kobold/gnome halfbreed riding an animated statue of a planetar on the round it came out of a hole in the ground.

Spoiler

Show

Clever gi-Wait. What the hell did you say killed me?

[Greenish]

"I find a filing cabinet."
Quickly followed by something along the lines of "Oh do you now? And in a medieval fantasy setting and all?" from the DM.

Well, where else would have medieval fantasy people kept their files? Okay, 17th century is not quite medieval, but it's not like they're hugely complex devices.

[Ravens_cry]

Well, where else would have medieval fantasy people kept their files? Okay, 17th century is not quite medieval, but it's not like they're hugely complex devices.

In a joinery, of course.

[hamishspence]

A lot of D&D stuff is closer to Renaissance than medieval- especially if you use Renaissance Weapons from DMG.

Even without it, Full Plate and Rapiers are both pretty late-period.

[Kuma Kode]

A few from my Shadow Theory game...

The group is in the mall trying to pull down the cage in the storefront while being attacked by four zombies, who are busting through the front glass. Kazumi, the doctor with absolutely no combat capabilities whatsoever and who has mostly sat back during battles and has actually yet to make an attack roll the entire campaign says "screw this" and grabs a Winchester rifle, takes aim at the biggest, toughest zombie, and fires. She suffers a -4 penalty on her attack roll because she is not proficient with firearms, an additional -4 penalty because the zombie is in melee with Fox, and the monster gains a +4 cover bonus to Defense from Fox. Somehow, she succeeds, and scores a solid 9 damage hit on the zombie in the Tapout shirt.
Terrence and Fox, simultaneously: "AAAAAAAAHHH! Do NOT shoot at us like that!"
Kazumi: *Jaw drops* "I... I just can't win with you people, can I?"

After pushing a monster into the light and watching it smolder, Marna continues to beat it with a wrench.
Marna (OOC): "How's it lookin' by now?"
DM: "Marna has crushed its corpse until it's snortable."
Terrence (OOC): "Man, good thing Ozzy isn't here." Does an Ozzy Osbourn impression. "It's like I snorted pure evil, man. It goes straight into your brain, It's like, it's like I'm the motherf**** Prince of Darkness."

Fox: “Do you think your life insurance ends when you become a zombie?”
Terrence: “I think your premium goes up a lot.”

Group is crossing the Miskatonic river on a boat when the radio begins to go off, signaling the presence of a monster.
Fox: "Uh, Marna, can't this thing go any faster?!"
Marna (Who is scottish and speaks with such an accent): "I'm givin' her all I've got, Captain!"
Silence falls over the group as they process that that really did just happen. They bust out laughing.
Christina, totally serious: " .... People have died."

After they realize that the charismatic zombies retain ranks in Perform (Sing) and in fact have a feat that grants an additional +2 to it, making them rather good.
♬ It's my party and I'll die if I want to,
Die if I want to,
Diiie if I waaaant tooooo,
You will die too when I come afterrrr yoooooouuuu... ♬

The DM complains that the wireless is acting up and he needs it to look up the stats for the zombies with foot-long claws, named Edwards because they look like horrific version of Edward Scissorhands.
Terrence (OOC): Wait, you have all your information online? So I could do a google search and find out all your monster stats?
DM: Uh... Yup... Good luck googling Edward, though.
Kazumi (OOC): Twilight fanfics. The perfect defense.

[Espher]

GM: "After repelling the first wave of boarders, the privateers take to the offensive, rushing over the boarding planks laid down by the attacking pirates. Though they attack with fervor, the pirates appear better trained and armed. It looks like you've got about six or seven rounds before the privateers are overwhelmed and the pirates attempted to board you again. What do you do?"
Me: "I set down my pack and take out the handles I had taken from the doors of the rooms at the inn."
GM: "... okay?"
Me: "I take out the vial of sovereign glue and quickly attach the handles to the underside of each plank."
GM: "... what are you doing?"
Me: "I ready an action to activate my Chime of Opening when they're on the boarding planks."
GM: "... espher, attaching a handle to a plank does not turn it into a door."
Me: "But it's a doorway to the water below!"

[Fouredged Sword]

In a game of D20 future one of my players had a init of something around 20+ or so due to cybernetics.

Combat starts and the first round the player draws and crits to kill the foe who was jumping out at him before anyone else could act.

Player who made the shot: "what was that!"

It was a running joke that he could draw and shoot before he actualy saw what he was shooting at.

[Xallace]

The Many Sayings of Sigfried Redding, Gun-Mage and Brigand
by my buddy Kal.

Daniel (Player): "I cast Detect Evil on the him!"
Sigfried (Player): "I use Prestidigitation to write EVIL in big, red letters on his chest."

Sigfried (Char): "So, Barkeep, tell me about what lives in them mountains."
DM (Barkeep): "¿Qué?"
Sigfried (Char): "Oh, um... No... No hablas Espanol. Mesa verde por favor?"

DM (Narrator): "As the wailing grows louder, the horrible swirling mass coalesces into a translucent pillar of screaming faces. The purple-black mass is about 12 feet tall and exudes pain and malice. I believe... Sigfried goes first."
Sigfried (Player): "Alright, well. I take a move action to wet myself. Then I use my other one to run down the stairs."

Sigfried (Player): Alright, I'm bored with the library. I'm going to open the door to see if Clive is in any trouble."
DM (Narrator): "Sigfried opens the door, and is instantly met with a dozen of hellish faces. Behind them, Clive floats helplessly in the mass of dark goo. The faces all look at you and scream."
Sigfried (Player): "I calmly close the door, turn around, and light a cigarette."
Sigfried (Char): "Yep, he's in trouble."

DM (Narrator): "The drow priestess appears unclad before you, her hands pulsing with dark energy. She slams a fist into Merrick! Will save, please."
Merrick (Player): "18."
DM (Narrator): "Nice. You shake off the curse. It's Sigfried's turn."
Sigfried (Player): "You said she was unclad."
DM (Narrator): "Yep. From what you know of drow, it means you caught her in the midst of a ritual."
Sigfried (Player): "Right, right, of course. Well, I'm still shooting at the bodyguard over here, but I'm definitely ogling the priestess behind me."
DM (Narrator): "-4 on attack rolls sound reasonable?"
Sigfried (Player): "Woooorth iiiiit."

There was a point in the campaign where Daniel, our warforged ninja, took a serious shock to his circuits and believed he was a dwarven paladin.
Sigfried (Player): "Alright, well, guys. Since last session I wrote a song! It's called 'I Really Hate New Daniel' and I'd like to perform it for you..."

Clive (Player): "You're an hour late, dude. Shame."
Sigfried (Player): "You know what? No. I had the choice between getting the phone numbers of two incredibly hot women and coming here to play with you guys, and I decided that my obligation to my friends and [Xallace]'s game were the more important of the two. So, no, you don't get to complain, especially if its about me being a responsible player and friend!"
Daniel (Player): Slow Clap.

[RE:Insanity]

Oh god, I killed some poor, wounded, unamed goblin! And now I'm taking his stuff! I'M THE GREATEST HERO THAT EVER LIVED!

[Cyrion]

"What?!? Nobody TOLD me it breathes fire!"

[Lord_Gareth]

"I never put down the tray of donuts."

[Grogmir]

Sorry for the long post

I was playing a Dwarven DragonShaman – Grogmir - Lawful Good – usual party – another was playing a ‘doppelganger’ type – basically could shapeshift. Don't remember the exact race. He’s got a pack of cards that he plays with (deck of many things) (Cheese I know but not my campaign)

Anyroad – we are under orders from the local Nature spirit to clear out some evil bears from a cave up a mountain.

We climb up to the entrance – all fail our spot checks and get bull rushed by the biggest dire bear you’ve ever seen, the 1st PC– our meat shield gets pushed off easily. Next in line is the doppelganger – there’s nothing he can do – so he throws a card…

DM rolls in plain sight - Bam – Great big freakin Demon appears – kills the bear instantly but its way out of our CR. That TPK look starts going round the group.

‘Lets get the hell out of here’ is the general consensus. We blast open the portal that the Nature Spirit gave us to travel back to her, when the DM starts cackling/laughing (never a good sign) He reads the Demon’s powers – constricts portals. Give us a break!

So the portal is now only the size of a tiny person. Who’s the only PC that could get through now? Yep the Doppel that summoned the demon in the first place!

The rest are cursing his name and watching that little movie that plays when your life is flashing before your guys – we can’t even touch this thing – so on my turn

Me ‘I jump across a large ravine – turn and eh… mock the demon’
DM ‘Mock it?’
Me ‘ Yeah you know – mother is a beardless whore - From a pit of flames? More like a flaming PIT! – that kinda stuff’ ‘ I want it to attack me’
DM ‘Ok it’s angry – its coming for you.’
Me ‘it has to make a jump check right?
DM ‘yep’
The whole Group finally seeing what I’m trying starts ‘Please roll a 1, please roll a 1’

Dm rolls… Bounce; Bounce; one!!! It’s only a (insert word) one! The demon falls long enough for the portal to un-constrict and we all jump through.

We appear 2 miles away – with the Doppel looking sheepish but we’ve got bigger fish to fry. We hear a mighty roar in the distance – the earth shakes and we see the tree’s near the cave start toppling as the Demon tracks us down for the kill.

At this point the group is discussing ways to get as far away as possible – most likely in different directions just to give us some more time. We are running out of time – out of options when I announce

Me ‘I walked towards it’
Another PC ‘YOU’RE GOING TO FIGHT IT?’
Me ‘Yep and I’ll probably die’

I would love to tell you I fell fighting that Demon – but alas the DM had ruled the fall had injured it – had toned it down to a very hard level encounter (We didn’t know this at the time) and with a little luck and a lot of healing we managed to take it down.

But for a while there I had never felt so badass, to quote every ones favourite villain.

[KillianHawkeye]

Me ‘I jump across a large ravine – turn and eh… mock the demon’
DM ‘Mock it?’
Me ‘ Yeah you know – mother is a beardless whore - From a pit of flames? More like a flaming PIT! – that kinda stuff’ ‘ I want it to attack me’
DM ‘Ok it’s angry – its coming for you.’
Me ‘it has to make a jump check right?
DM ‘yep’
The whole Group finally seeing what I’m trying starts ‘Please roll a 1, please roll a 1’

Dm rolls… Bounce; Bounce; one!!! It’s only a (insert word) one! The demon falls long enough for the portal to un-constrict and we all jump through.

Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule.

[Caphi]

"Okay, but..." is a staple in the DM version of these threads.

More times than is probably healthy, my response is "That's okay."

[WarKitty]

Edit: too many threads open in too many tabs. Silly me replied to the wrong one.

[Grogmir]

Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule.

Dude I was playing in a campaign where the DM put in the DoMT. Critical Failures were the least of our problems!

But you're right and they don't feature if I DM.

[Serpentine]

Yet another reason why critical successes and critical failures on Skill Checks is a dumb house rule.

...because they result in cool stories?

Grogmir: That story looks awful familiar

[Grogmir]

Grogmir: That story looks awful familiar

Guilty serpentine I cut and pasted from an earlier thread.

But - But - its my only uber moment!