"The same thing we do every night... Try and take over the world!"

[onthetown]

In an upcoming campaign, we're going to be decidedly lighthearted. With this in mind, I've created the following character:

This blackguard has plans of world domination. He does his best to be evil in everything so that he's constantly working toward that goal... but, unfortunately, he sucks at it. At being evil, I mean. Remember that orphanage down the street that was set to be demolished? This guy set the entire place on fire --which was great! But then he rescued all the orphans inside and brought them safely to the street. He laughed maniacally as they watched their home burn to the ground... Which was going to be burnt to the ground anyway. They were already packed to go to a new orphanage.

Scaring innocents? He's got that down to an art... or so he thinks. To exercise his control over the weak minds of the fearful, he got a necromancer to raise him a whole army of undead... to help out at the soup kitchen for the homeless. Not only did the people learn that this guy's undead minions were going to help them, but the extra hands made the work much more efficient and more homeless were able to be fed. What does this guy think? "Muahahahahahahhhh! Now there will be less people focused on starving and more people focused on fearing me and my undead!"

What does his god think? Doesn't care. This guy can cleave through seven orcs in five seconds, so he's too much of an asset to kick out of the faith. Besides, it's almost adorable (in a sad, pathetic way) how he tries so very hard and believes he's doing so very evil.

My blackguard will join up with the party to help them save the world so that he can take it over.

Thoughts? Discussion?

Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

[hamishspence]

TV Tropes is a good source- as long as you don't lose sight of the reason you're there and spend hours looking at irrelavent stuff.

Particular tropes:

Poke The Poodle
What Do You Mean, It's Not Heinous?
Ineffectual Villain

These are a good place to start.

[Morph Bark]

Anti-villains yay!

Also reminds me of Garland from 8-bit Theater, at least at the start. Except this guy doesn't offer the orphans self-made cookies. But yes, the way you described it, he does sound adorable. I'd buy a Blackguard plushie any day if there were any!

Perhaps he also wears armours with spikes, but with something covering the tips because "someone might get hurt and then they'd focus on the pain rather than staring at me wide-eyed in awe and fear!"

[akma]

I like the idea.

Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

When he wants to kill random people, he kills people that everyone hates/fear from/criminals.
For exemple, he might want to kill an evil tyrant to get chaos in the kingdom, but instead the people are glad to become free of the tyrant rule and develop a peacefull, happy country.

[Cyrion]

He's a rational bad guy- he knows that anyone on the ladder to power needs flunkies he can trust and depend on. Orcs, goblins, demons, what have you- those'll stab you in the back and make a power grab at the first opportunity, and they should be dealt with pre-emptively. Paladins, however. Those guys you can TRUST to have your back!

Also, draw inspiration from the character you quoted. Each of your plans should be elaborate and grandiose but with... issues.

[Ormagoden]

Someone watched Despicable me too many times :P

(Sounds like a great idea!)

[hamishspence]

And maybe, while he's got the idea behind torturing prisoners, he's not quite got the idea right. Such as playing nursery rhymes over and over with Create Sound, in the hope that this will cause them to crack.

[Acero]

He needs an elaborate name.

Example
*Deep breath*
The Great and Allpowerful [insert name here. Lawrence?] of [insert homeland], Blackguard of [insert god here], Terror of the the air, earth, and underworld, Destroyer of Souls and Wrecker of Worlds, all While
Looking Frickin' Awesome in my all Black Onesy! (its got spikes man!)
*Grasping for air*

[WarKitty]

Is he high enough level to have a fiendish servant?

Spoiler

Show

Pink or lavender accents are also always nice.

[JeminiZero]

The Great and Allpowerful [insert name here. Lawrence?] of [insert homeland], Blackguard of [insert god here], Terror of the the air, earth, and underworld, Destroyer of Souls and Wrecker of Worlds, all While Looking Frickin' Awesome in my all Black Onesy! (its got spikes man!)
*Grasping for air*

You forgot "and mayor of a little village up the coast".

[Tussy the Druid]

Perhaps he kills tyrants and criminals and the like to show just how tough and evil he really is?

[Jergmo]

I'm trying to think of this one episode of Johnny Bravo...this demon kept getting Johnny to do thinks to be malicious towards people, but they kept turning out to be positive for the people in question.

"And we're paying entirely in pennies. Canadian pennies!"
Cashier: *Screaming*
Demon: *Maniacal laughter*
Cashier: *Picks up a penny, gushing* I've been looking for this year of penny etc. etc. for ages for my collection!

[Siosilvar]

You forgot "and mayor of a little village up the coast".

"Mistress of Magma".

[ShadowsGrnEyes]

haha i'm just starting a sorceress who's can trace her lineage back to Elvish royalty, demons AND devils. . . she's going to try to take over the world to cope with family pressure. . . having a lighthearted take over the world character is the best. . .


AS for trying to be evil and failing:
1. Destroy an important artifact of great power belonging to a benign and unimpressive lord, an important artifact that was cursed to prevent him from becoming the great leader that he was meant to be and lead his kingdom to greatness. . . yay you destroyed their important artifact. . . . and lifted the curse. . . . oops. . .

2. TICKLE TORTURE!

3. DEATH OR CAKE. . . wait what?

[hamishspence]

I like the notion of a blackguard who made a wish "I wish that all women would find me cute" and got turned into a very small female gnome with the curse that everything they wear turns pink and cutesy:

"Not that kind of cute!!"

[Jergmo]

2. TICKLE TORTURE!

That was a genuine method of torture in the middle ages, though. The middle ages were strange - you remove a few finger nails and teeth, a broken arm and a few brandings here and there...then you tickle them.

[Randel]

He's evil but he's smart enough not to help people more evil than himself if it can be avoided.

Blackguard: All right you bandits, you think you can rob from these villagers and get away with it. If anyone's gonna rob these villagers its me!

Villagers: *gulp* You're gonna rob us?

Blackguard: Huh? Well maybe... but you guys don't have much for me to rob and if I rob you now you'll be too poor to rob later. I'll probably just... charge a high toll on a bridge or something.

Villagers: But we don't have any bridges... there's that huge river over there we have to cross to sell our produce in the city. If we had a bridge then we could make alot more money with our farming.

Underling: Yeah, that's nice. His evilness has better things to do than listen to your sob story. Lets just kill these bandits and get out of here.

Bandits: *gulp*

Blackguard: What? And let the lords of HELL have more slaves?! If anyones gonna have slaves around here it's me! I have a better idea, I'll enslave these bandits to do my dirty work for me like... *thinks about it while rolling his hand a bit*... build a bridge, or something.

Bandits: What?

Blackguard: Yes! That's it, you slaves are going to build a bridge for me your evil master. You villagers will be in charge (and be sure to use those weapons the bandits used to keep them in line) and once you finish the bridge then you pay me the tolls for its use.

Villagers: Yah!

Blackguard: Heh heh heh... so evil!

[BobTheDog]

That was a genuine method of torture in the middle ages, though. The middle ages were strange - you remove a few finger nails and teeth, a broken arm and a few brandings here and there...then you tickle them.

There is a point where being tickled is no longer funny. That may happen shortly before or after you pee your pants.

[Randel]

Have him specialize in dealing nonlethal damage (maybe have his primary weapon be merciful though he calls it "a fate worse than death... being still alive but really sore!") that way once he's beaten his enemies he can torture them or use death traps or sell them as slaves. After all, he is an evil mastermind and any mastermind can tell you that you can always kill someone later but its really hard to bring them back to life if you need something.

I've actually always wanted to play in a group of adventurers who instead of killing all their enemies actually do just knock them out and send them somewhere. Like you knock them all out and tie them up and send them off to "Quick-N-Slave" where you get paid money depending on how tough or useful the creature would be.

[Morph Bark]

Have him specialize in dealing nonlethal damage (maybe have his primary weapon be merciful though he calls it "a fate worse than death... being still alive but really sore!") that way once he's beaten his enemies he can torture them or use death traps or sell them as slaves. After all, he is an evil mastermind and any mastermind can tell you that you can always kill someone later but its really hard to bring them back to life if you need something.

I've actually always wanted to play in a group of adventurers who instead of killing all their enemies actually do just knock them out and send them somewhere. Like you knock them all out and tie them up and send them off to "Quick-N-Slave" where you get paid money depending on how tough or useful the creature would be.

Acquiring a unique weapon that keeps those you "kill" alive but they must obey your orders would be perfect then.

[Math_Mage]

Blackguard: *holds up a list of wanted criminals* "Fear me! You know these men, that have eluded your grasp? I HAVE ELIMINATED THEM ALL!"
*crowd cheers*
Blackguard: "I said FEAR ME, not CHEER ME! ARGH!"

Classics always work:
"Put him in the comfy chair! Poke him with the soft pillows!
...WHY WON'T YOU TALK?!?!"

[Lhurgyof]

In an upcoming campaign, we're going to be decidedly lighthearted. With this in mind, I've created the following character:

This blackguard has plans of world domination. He does his best to be evil in everything so that he's constantly working toward that goal... but, unfortunately, he sucks at it. At being evil, I mean. Remember that orphanage down the street that was set to be demolished? This guy set the entire place on fire --which was great! But then he rescued all the orphans inside and brought them safely to the street. He laughed maniacally as they watched their home burn to the ground... Which was going to be burnt to the ground anyway. They were already packed to go to a new orphanage.

Scaring innocents? He's got that down to an art... or so he thinks. To exercise his control over the weak minds of the fearful, he got a necromancer to raise him a whole army of undead... to help out at the soup kitchen for the homeless. Not only did the people learn that this guy's undead minions were going to help them, but the extra hands made the work much more efficient and more homeless were able to be fed. What does this guy think? "Muahahahahahahhhh! Now there will be less people focused on starving and more people focused on fearing me and my undead!"

What does his god think? Doesn't care. This guy can cleave through seven orcs in five seconds, so he's too much of an asset to kick out of the faith. Besides, it's almost adorable (in a sad, pathetic way) how he tries so very hard and believes he's doing so very evil.

My blackguard will join up with the party to help them save the world so that he can take it over.

Thoughts? Discussion?

Also, I need ideas for more ways that he can suck at being evil in every day life.

Make sure to take it to heart when people mispronounce black guard. xD

[Math_Mage]

Make sure to take it to heart when people mispronounce black guard. xD

Heh.

"Black Guard? No! It's Blaggard, you fool! And I am proud to wear the title!"

[Lhurgyof]

Heh.

"Black Guard? No! It's Blaggard, you fool! And I am proud to wear the title!"

Haha, yeah. I was thinking of making an NPC villian like that, because the party makes fun of me for pronouncing it right, and stuff like that.

"It's black guard, because they made the greyguard. What's that? A greggard?"

"No, the WotC staff is just dumb."

"Whatever"

[Randel]

Acquiring a unique weapon that keeps those you "kill" alive but they must obey your orders would be perfect then.

Hmm... maybe he looks down on having undead minions because they are unsanitary and prefers using enchantment, mental domination... or just paying people.



Necromancer: Fools! I am the master of undeath! Fear my undead army.... of zombies!

Blackguard: *ugh!* Thats just... gah. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, have you no shame?!

Necromancer: So, has my evil given chills to the famous Blackguard?

Blackguard: No! Your hygiene is atrocious! Sheesh, you're even worse than those so called 'heroes' who slog though sewers and bogs who knows what kind of tentacle otherworlds and never bother to bathe or even get soap. And then they go tracking their slimy mucky boots all over my nice dungeon floor without even wiping their feet off on the welcome mat I put out for them!

*Necromanver gives Blackguard an odd look, all the rotting zombies stare slackjawed at the discussion.*

Blackguard: But this?! For the love of all that is evil, do you have no sense of smell? I mean, you're sitting here in this cave or whatever this is... tomb? And you hang out with rotting, maggot infested, dead people... I mean... GAG! I know, I know, there are... certain people out there who have a certain fondness for the dead but come on and get some friggin soap! You're not a master of undeath, you're a sad strange little man in a cave who never cleans his room, talks to corpses who can't burst his little bubble (and never bath themselves I might add), and it looks like you haven't even done your laundry in ages! I sure hope you're not planning on becoming a Lich with that attitude... I've seen what Lichdom does to slobs they turn into slobby, skeletal, cobweb people who's robes are full of more mushrooms and mothholes then a druids underpants!

*blackguard holds his nose and tries to fan the smell away*

Necromancer: Oh yeah?! Well... I have minions! Do you have minions? I have minions that I made with magic!

*Blackguard raises an eyebrow and claps his hands twice. Three hot amazon women in black armor step in out of the shadows, they do wear decent armor though.*

Blackguard: I took the Leadership feat. These girls just follow me around now without me having to do stuff like... you know... waste my life learning "spooky dark magic" in a hole in the ground and blowing money on onyx stones to animate rotting corpses who in life would wouldn't go on a date with me cause I was too busy learning spooky magic in a cave.

*Necromancer just scowls. The zombies stare slackjawed. One of the dark amazons gives Necromancer a cheery wave. Necromancer feels sad that his zombies never do that for him unless he commands them to do it.*

Blackguard: So yeah, how about this? You ditch these rotting corpses over here, wash yourself up, and I'll let you join my list of cohorts. I understand Sarah was just doing this to help pay her way though law school so I'm sure we can have an opening for you soon enough.

Necromancer: *all sad puppy dog eyes* Would you do that for me?

Blackguard: Aww, how can I say no to that? We're all one big happy family, after all.

*Necromancer wants a hug but Blackguard backs away cause of all the filth on Necromancers robes. After a few moments they compromise and Blackguard just gives him a little "mini-hug" and wipes his hands with a handkerchief afterwords."



Later...

Blackguard: What? What do you mean I don't have Dominate Person on my spell list? Why didn't you tell me?!

Perky Female Minon: I thought we were just role-playing.

[JonestheSpy]

Sounds like a lot of fun. Just avoid that tropes site - evil imagination sucking stuff.

How about stealing from rich tyrants and distributing the money to the poor - so they can build up successful farms and businesses and have so much more to steal back later!!

[Morph Bark]

*snip*

Thematic evil full plate: 2000 gp.

Killing the local list of baddies: 4800 XP.

Combining Blackguard with Thrallherd: priceless.

[Thieves]

he's not quite got the idea right. Such as playing nursery rhymes over and over with Create Sound, in the hope that this will cause them to crack.

If that's what you consider a "you're doing it wrong" for tortures... then once you do "get it right" I doubt there would be a chamber to compete with yours.

Seriously, I'd freak out. I KNOW THAT HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL!!!!!!

[chiasaur11]

Obviously there should be SACRIFICES TO THE DARK GODS!

And you can't sacrifice innocents. Pure souls always have light flowing out of them and the like. Mess up the decor. So really evil folks only, to avoid those problems. Like, death row inmates and stuff.

But how can you know they're evil enough? Well, if they're really evil, in addition to their evil deeds, they'll be willing to die to further the cause of evil. Obviously.

And some god or other takes souls that die in battle, that sounds cool. His god should get in on that. Have the sacrifices fight alongside and stuff.

And if they stop being evil, well, they'll just have to be let go. And if they run, they're cowards, and a cowardly sacrifice is no good.

And essentially it becomes a work release program.

[Randel]

Hmm, maybe set up his armor so that it has detachable or retractable spikes? Spikes are intimidating but they can be really uncomfortable or awkward when you are lounging around on your evil throne or having dinner or something. So he wears armor but only puts on the spikes when he needs to be intimidating or goes into battle.

Blackguard looks at his opponents and they size him up. He presses a little button on his armor and several dozen spiked blades pop out of his suit like switchblades. Instant bonus to intimidation.


Also, he always drinks his coffee black black as his evil heart! Though he does have a fondness for hot chocolate... that way he can drop a fluffy white marshmallow into his cup and watch it slowly melt away.

Blackguard: Yes, soon my evil plan will be complete and those foolish heroes of good will be gone! Melted away just like this little marshmallow melts away in my cup of hot cocoa! Mwahahaaa! ...wait, it didn't melt all the way. Oh yeah... my cocoa isn't normally hot enough to melt them all the way cause it burns my tongue. *shrugs and drinks the cup along with the marshmellow* Ah yes, those fools are DOOMED! Doomed to either melt away or have their fluffy white sweetness be consumed by the forces of evil.


Later...

Heroes: *Strung up in a death trap* Uh, why are you suspending us over a vat of hot chocolate?

Blackguard: Hey, do you have any idea how expensive it is to get acid in this economy?

Giant Dragon: RAWR!

Blackguard: Oh yeah, also dragons can't drink acid. Be sure to die! Bwahahahaa!