Quotes!

[Foeofthelance]

This started as a joke amongst one group, and soon spread. Every once in a while a player would say or do something stupid (both IC and OoC) and it was to good to let go. Below are merely some of the things said in games, by gamers, or about gamers. Prepare to be offended, we pull no punches. And feel free to add your own!

The Things Gamers Say

“I’m not evil, my morals just aren’t the same as society’s.”

“Women should only come when they are making sandwiches.”

“Where would we be without technology?”----“Happier?”

“The more fun it is to eat, the more likely it is to kill you.”

“Who needs drugs when you have anime and games?”----“Besides, I couldn’t afford drugs any way”

“I’m going to cut out your heart with a Kender!”

“Well, I went out trying to rape a steamroller. It's a man's death.” (Courtesy of Bash.org)

“Oh, I poked too hard and killed myself!”

“Did you just say with a shaved kitten involved?”

“Is that an Elven saber in your pants or are you happy to see me?”---“No, it’s an Elven saber.”

“The undead do not give foot massages!”

“The evil guys go, ‘We shall conquer the world!” while the good guys go ‘Ooh Bunny!’---SQUISH”

“From chaos comes order, and from order comes chaos.”----“Then where do refrigerators come from?”--- “General Electric.”

“I don’t want an Osakian accent. They’re as bad as Texan accents.”

“Mommy, Santa took a crap in my stocking!”

“Everyone has a bullet with their name on it. It’s the ones marked ‘to whom it may concern’ that worry me.”

“I believe it is perfectly acceptable to accept a bribe as long as you don’t act on it.”

“It’s a can of towers.”

“Wrap yourself in my fat.”

“Dude, that’s how the black guy dies in every movie.”

“Wait there were six guys and two girls and half the class was making out ?”

“Well that’s an orgasm right there. I mean orgy!”

“Stop making it outside your quarters.”

“That’s the answer to life the universe and everything! How many houses must I loot? Forty-two!”

“Going to war with France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

“I am Twinkie, the Eskimo trained poodle, destroyer of worlds.”

“Turnips echo loudly.”

“I’m a girl so either I get a large amount of experience or a really big weapon.”

“The gnome wanders off to find a banana tree while you all talk to a monkey.”

<SNIP>

“You have life problems.”

“I drink dirty.”

“How do you roll a d8?”---”With a d8.”

“You know what a dork is right?”---”I’m a dork!”

“Our dork is a strawberry blow pop.”

“I’ve heard of D&D. It’s kind of like Chutes and Ladders.”

“I tease myself.”

“She drank old man blood. Its stronger then herpes.”

“Why diet when you can eat?”

“Stop deep throating the eggnog.”

“I fire angry ticks out of my nipples.”

<SNIP>

“Grant and Mike haven’t said anything because they’re chewing.”

“I don’t have rabies I have syphilis!”

“History is written by the victor…or the necromancer.”

“You killed it beyond death!”

The Game

“The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ---“A what?!?!?”

“You are now gay. You gain a plus 10 to fashion sense checks.”

“I sense motive.”---“You sense that the bartender really wants to kick you in the nuts.”

“I shoot him point blank. With a ballista.”

“Nine?”---“Nein!”

“I bribe nature.”

“So we just killed a whole bunch of bugs because they were black?”

“Actually, I was really just trying to kill the dog.”

“The barbarian gets raped by a dire squirrel with an enlarge spell.”

<SNIP>

“Man overboard!”---”I think you mean man under board.”

“The otter saves your ass.”

“I can’t big until tomorrow.”

“You stroke your otter while the dwarf rides it.”

“Hey man, pants up!”

“You suddenly realize otter piss enhances your swim ability.”

“Morning comes and I dodge!”

“Of course you can wear doggy pants, but people will laugh at you in battle.”

<SNIP>

“Have him say that he’s a mute.”

“The werewolf has a trampoline! Kill it!”

“You take the board and thrust it up into his crotch.”

“Mount the Manticore!”

“You know you want the manticore in your lap!”

“Let’s go sleep with the sheep!”

“Better yet I’m going to ride the sheep!”

“The rogue is pedophile.”

“Is that a dwarf in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?”

“I seek the power of the almighty twinkie!”

"... And the halfling goes berserk. Everyone make fear checks."

"-What do I see?
- Um... A halfling, riding on a dog. The dog is flying."

"Look, guys, it's obvious he isn't going to tell
us anything, and we're wasting our time here,
and our supplies are low, and it's been *so*
long since we've had fresh meat...."

“The nuke? The nuke! Of course, why didn’t I think of that!”---”But you don’t get a reflex save.”

“I can hide the dwarf in my pants!”

“Obscuring mist is only good if you want to beat it in public.”

“Scooby Doo walks up to you…”

“You can’t make the save against box text.”

“I’m going to piss on him.”

“Your hand is now down your pants.”

“Congratulations, you are now Michael Jackson.”---“But I’m not black.”---“Neither is he.”

“Take us to your dude.”

“I try and activate the dragon.”

“The dragon is so shocked, it misses.”

“You just bitch slapped the dragon.”

“The dragon is now attracted to the gnome.”

“The dragon failed its straight check.”

“Tell him you took a vow of silence.”

“You don’t use diplomacy to seduce someone, you use bluff stupid.”

“The dog and psion are know high on mushrooms.”

“The psion now thinks he’s one of the dogs.”

“He then falls over dead from a drug overdose.”

“I cast light on my torch.”

“I’m a Barbie wolf, in a Barbie rage…”

“The kender crits…with a book. Oh, and it’s a plus one tome.”

“The pen is mightier then the sword, and so is my book!”

“Did you just tell Palin Majere that an amulet of an evil god was pimpin’?”

On Gnomes

“I tie the gnome to my leg!”

“I shoot the gnome in the ass!”

“I agree with the dwarf. For about two seconds. Then I run and hide!”

“It’s hard to be afraid of the gnome when he doesn’t have a ballista.”

“You got gnomed!”

“The gnome pisses on you.”

“Your gnome loses his mind.”---- “Nooooo the Eskimos did!”

“Oh my god, the gnome just invented twinkies!”

“The dwarf reaches in and tongues the leather.”

“The gnome invents Viagra.”

“Someone kick the gnome so we have a foghorn.”

“There is no way the guards won’t believe you were drunk.”

“I’m going to deforest the gnome.”

“The gnome seduces the dragon.”

“The dwarf is crowd surfing the bugs, and you’re using him as a surf board.”

“Your gnome now looks like an ever quest gnome. Your head is now twice the size of your body.”

“Why are you trying to get the dragon to deep throat you?”

“The gnome is now stoned.”

On Dwarves

“Dumb Dwarf!”

“Stupid Dwarf!”

“We tie the thing to the dwarf’s leg.”

“Why do we always tie things to the dwarf?”

“Dwarves on the whole are very unslinky like.”

“The dwarf is sitting on the ground, tied up, and singing in aquan about the dragon. Badly.”
<SNIP>

The Bartender

“The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ----“A what?!?!?”

“The bartender is Neruul.”

The Necromancer

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by an orc.”

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a bandit.”

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a manticore.”

“The Necromancer gets shot in the back.”

“The necromancer is criticled from behind

On the Subject of Criticals:

“You climb so well you walk back on the rope”

“You climb down headfirst.”

“The dwarf does a double back flip into the hole.”

“I just Matrixed.”

“Your shot splits it down the middle.”

“You activate the air.”

“Congratulations. The boat now looks like beef stroganoff.”

“Its head boils off.”

“You run up to the statue, hug it, yell red rover red rover, and it works.”

“You sever his head by plunging your rapier into his neck.”

On the Subject of Failure:

“You smash into the side of the ship.”

“While trying to accept the goblins surrender, you fall in the water.”

“Your crossbow explodes into you.”

“You make yourself look like an idiot and fall in.”

“She sees a tree as she walks into it.”

“You cut your hand.”

“You bash your shin.”

“You bash your shin again.”

“You bash your shin for the third time in a row.”

“The manticore chips a tooth.”

“You are now convinced the boat is a powerful magical item.”

“You stare into the sun.”

“You poke yourself in the eye with the spyglass.”

“You hear God. Your head implodes and your heart explodes.”

“You hit yourself with the rock.”

“The bad guy flies into the ground.”

Things That Sound Odd, But Shouldn’t

“Sounds Like my idea of a good time.”

“I need someone to got out to the forest with me.”

“Excuse me sir, how much for a sheep?”

“No one will suspect you of anything, the ranger is all over you.”

“Sleep with the stable.”

“I’ve had worse things in me.”

“I just want to explore the deep holes!”

“I’ve put bigger things into tighter places.”

“I’m marking my territory on the dwarf.”

<SNIP>

“I want a stiff drink.”

“I’m holding a pole with a sack at one end and no armor.”

“I’m going to search the manhole.”

Stupid Names for Skeletons

Bob (Human)
Sir (Human)
Stanley (Human)
Delicious (Human)
Hellman (Manticore)

Stupid Names For Ninjas

Bob the Ninja

Skills That Should Exist

Use Magic Animal (Turn On)
Seduce Dragon
Bitch Slap
Craft (Ethnic Foods)

Spells That Should Exist

Summon Barry Manilow (Legendary Bard)
Summon Indiana Jones (Legendary Rogue)
Summon Chuck Norris (Legendary Monk)
Summon Humphrey Bogart (Legendary Bogart)
Summon John Wayne (Legendary Duke)
Power Word Cuss
Symbol Obscenity

If Dungeon Parties Had 'Little Black Boxes,' the Most Common Final Recordings Would Be:

“Why is something so small listed as a 5th level monster? “

“We'll cover more ground if we split up! “

“I don't detect any traps.”

“They're not that impressive, are they?”

“I'll get it! I just learned to cast FIREBALL!”

“Godcall. Pffft. Like anything'll happen if I shout ‘Hey! Cthulu! Bite me!’”

“I jump out of hiding and waste one with my crossbow. “

“I don't detect any evil.”

“Hey, I'll bet that unholy artifact fragment fits together with this one. “

“Look! As long as I don't roll a fumble, I'll win!”

“I'm not worried. I have a +2 sword!”

“Whaddaya mean, trolls here aren't affected by daylight?”

“I cast an illusion of a bridge, and tell no one to disbelieve it until we're safely across the gorge.”

How to tell if your Dungeon Master has military experience:

The orc hordes you encounter have noncoms and medics.

Healing potions also restore tattoos.

The Winged Horse won't fly until you do a full safety inspection.

The dungeons are patrolled by MP's that keep asking 'Who started this fight?'

If you don't state that your character is performing scheduled weapons and armor maintenance after each combat, they rust to powder in about a day.

Elves give directions with terms like 'Fore' and 'Aft.'

You learn to retreat from any monster with a Marine Corps tattoo.

The curses attached to some treasures include KP Duty and Full Kit Inspection.

You can't stop for a night without submitting a complete watchbill for the characters in camp.

New players joining after the adventure starts show up with Transfer Orders.

The kingdom has a number of trolls, minotaurs and giants caged in silos on the border. The threat of MAD (Monster Assured Destruction) seems to keep the peace.

No matter what sort of area you adventure in, or what background culture dwells there, or what the dominant race of the surroundings is, every town, keep, village, city or fish camp you enter has at least one bar, two brothels, three pawn shops, a tattoo parlor and a barber shop.

The Healing Cleric always makes you wait for two hours before trying to send you away with a pair of toadstools and forced fluids.

After the goblins pass by, all the dungeons have a fresh coat of paint .

A mysterious figure, the Gunny, appears every time you make a mistake. Don't make mistakes. Just don't.

Saying 'we tie him up' always starts a 20 minute discussion of knots, with 4 skill rolls.

Guard Dogs are not just hit points that bark...they're chain saws with fur.

If captured by the monsters, your character always gets put to work digging latrines. Even if held by ethereal beings that don't use them.

Magic Users have to account for every ounce of equipment or supplies they carry, in careful attention to the rules for burdens. Blooded warriors can put 'One Piano' on their character sheet and it's just assumed they can 'handle the load.'

Every advancement to a new class level involves a trip to a tattoo parlor.

Laws of Dungeon Delving

No matter how bad your last level was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the lowest dungeon level, since you still have to climb back up to go home.

Your best adventure will be followed almost immediately by your worst adventure ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you brag to about the former.

Brand new magic weapons are monster-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more powerful the magic of the sword, the greater its attraction to monsters.

Fumble rolls are mathematically as likely as Critical Hits. In play, fumbles are four times more likely.

No matter how clearly stupid it may have been to attack a given monster, no matter how overmatched the hero was before the first blow was struck, all the surviving party members must solemnly chant "Bad luck on the dice roll, dude," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

The greater the experience of the player, the more he overestimates the abilities of his newest character.

The first level of every dungeon in the world has a secret desire to humiliate adventurers before they even see the lower levels.

Waiting for the other guy to make his save and rescue you is the most painful torture known to man.

The rate of consumption of consumables is directly proportional to the distance from any chance of stocking up again.

Dice are alive. If they aren't, how do you explain the way they work against you?

God-Calls annoy the Gamemaster. This is why they take such delight in presenting the called God as being annoyed by the summoning.

NPCs are small, weak, lazy, lacking in initiative and dependent on your good will to survive...until you let them hold your magic sword, then they can out steal, outfight, and outrun you, your party, the city watch and most of the combined armies of the known world.

All woods more than 3 miles from the city gate are demon-possessed. "Civilized areas" are points on the map, not circles or any other area-inclusive shape.

The last three treasures or curses of a dungeon will automatically adjust your net worth to what it really should be.

A severe fumble is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

"Nice form" can usually be translated to "wasted motion."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The person or monster you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who shows up after you fumble your weapon over the side of the canyon.

Dragons have no word for "friend." They don't understand the concept. The closest they can get is "an enemy who isn't dead yet."

Intelligence is your ability to learn new things. Wisdom indicates your ability to not kill yourself with the new knowledge.

Charisma is not exactly how a person looks, there are a number of factors that work together. Still, remember that no centerfold was ever described as having a "nice personality" in her top ten compliments.

Strength is the ability to lift heavy things. Constitution is your ability to walk to a cleric despite the pain from horribly overestimating your strength.

The day you have more than enough Holy Water to clear the undead from the Castle is the day you meet your first Agnostic Vampire.

All vows made during combat shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

When inside the stomach of a beast, it is possible to coup de grace and back stab the stomach of the beast in the same action.

Gimli’s Law- No matter how big the creature, and no matter many creatures it takes with it, it still only counts as one kill.

Important Delving Terms

Amazon: Party member out to prove she's more of a man than any man, while dressing to prove she's also more woman than any woman, and acting like she's more of a woman than any man can handle.

Ballad: Form of entertainment describing the events experienced by victorious heroes.

Dirge: Form of entertainment describing the actual events experienced by heroes.(See also: Eulogy)

Blood: Inexpensive marking device used to inform other delvers where traps are located.

Copper Piece: Inexpensive marking device used to show late-coming delvers where treasures used to be located.

Bone: That part of a delver likely to last long enough for the authorities to determine exactly which dungeon you died in (Sometimes a critical question for determining disposition of worldly goods).

Campfire: Device used to attract monsters, above and below ground.

Chiurgery: the art of preventing people from bleeding to death by attaching leeches to suck them dry. See also: Quack, Suicide, Lingering Death and Amputation.

Danger Zone: Subtract X (the number of times you have exited from a dungeon) from Y (the number of times you have entered a dungeon). Any time Y-X does not equal zero, you are in a danger zone.

Dirty Harry Speech: A phrase, riddle or essay composed by adventurers during slack time to commemorate a victory, underscore an irony, humiliate a foe, or otherwise enhance the drama of a combat round. Also, a signal to villains to attack immediately because the guy doing the talking really, really expects you to wait politely until he finishes.

Dragon Hoard: Place for adventurers to store shiny personal effects while they work their way through the reincarnation cycle back to Hero again.

Dungeon Party: Means of leveraging your afternoon up from a mere suicide to a suicide pact.

Face Off: The reason players are hard to identify following an orc attack.

Familiar: Really cool, slightly useful and very dangerous aspect of being a mage, in that you bind a good deal of your soul and hit points to a small animal that couldn't fight its way out of a Teletubby slumber party.

Fault: Mechanism for determining the member of the party that will be most useful when a human (or near human) sacrifice is required.

Fog: Weather elemental used to allow your fate to sneak up close and prevent preparation or escape.

Funny: Gamemaster word used as a synonym for "deadly."
"You hear a funny noise."
"Something smells funny."
"Something about the temple just seems funny to the cleric."

Hero: The adventurer most willing to be the first to enter a dungeon (lair, den, nest, warren, burrow, labyrinth, ruin, marsh or any other term for the location of a collection of monsters).

Wealth: Items of interest retrieved from the remains of the Hero.

Hibernation: Method some monsters use to minimize the chance of being detected by a party and also maximize their grumpiness when the party stumbles over them.

Magic Weapon: A device augmented by supernatural forces, designed to use adrenaline and confidence to cause suicide.

Magic Wand: A 'Magic Weapon' for character classes that don't use swords.

Holy Item: An object augmented by supernatural forces, usually involving the horrible death of a religious celebrity, used by a less famed follower of the same religion in the quaint hopes of preventing their own death. See also Magic Weapon.

Mapping: Process by which a Gamemaster uses poor language skills to highlight a player's poor graphing skills (and vice versa). Usually resolved when all attempts at mapping are suspended during high speed transits. (See also: Retreat)

Natural Weaponry: That part of a creature designed to poke holes in the adventurer's body parts. All animals have weaponry. Some carry it in their mouth (fangs), some carry it atop their heads (antlers, horns), and most have something painful on their feet (claws, hooves, steel-toed shoes). Classification is left to the naturologists, just be aware anything with a pulse will try to kill you.

Negotiate: Means of delaying combat rounds for as long as it takes for the monster to figure out which of the party is the greatest threat.

Ninjas: Disposable bad-guy combat round minions deployed for humor relief. Unless there's only one, then he's death on roller blades.

Ocean: Place where pirates store armor and those who wear it during maritime combat.

Optimism: An annoying characteristic of first-time characters. Not usually a problem after their replacements are rolled up.

Oracle: Supernatural being with the amazing power to tell you exactly 76% of what you need to know to complete an adventure. No refunds.

Plowshare: Shiny new metal tool the villager leans against while denying any idea of where your arms and armor may have got to.

Rest: a state of non-exertion, without emotional pressure, blinding pain, closing pursuit or fear of betrayal from co-workers. See also: Death.

Retirement: Long term rest See also: Dead and Buried.

Retreat: Process by which delvers become aware of the fact that they no longer have access to the exit.

Sacrifice: Means of drawing the attention of the Gods. Usually not your own

Scouting Report: A specific genre of fiction produced by NPCs.

Starlight: Naturally occurring phenomena used to determine that something big has ripped a hole in your tent.

Tent: Packaging material for bear or tiger food.

Supplies: Any consumable, and a reason to enter small villages while traveling towards adventures.

Lynch Party: Reason to avoid small villages while traveling back from adventures.

Tasty Meat Snacks: Body parts removed from delvers by means of traps, attacks, fumbles or other accidents and left to distract dungeon dwellers during retreat.

Tentacle: Quick way to determine if a being or animal is from another dimesion and likely to munch your face off.

Torch: Device used to explore dark spaces, ensure footing and search for clues, treasure and traps.

Torchlight: Radiation from a torch used to lure monsters to the party.

Darkness: Lack of radiation used to indicate the loss of a torch and (usually) the nearness of the monsters.

Trail Blazing: Method of ensuring that all the villains in the forest or maze will be able to find you.

Treasure Map: Device used by The Dark Lords to keep their dungeon dwelling monsters excercised and well-fed.

Treasure: Ethereal concept used to entice otherwise rational citizens into investing time and money in committing suicide.

Vulture: Naturally occurring phenomena used to find party members separated from the group.

Impatient Vulture: Last thing seen by lost party members.

Shark Fins: Vulture substitutes used during maritime adventures.

Impatient Shark: Same as impatient vulture

War Cry: Mechanism to make sure total surprise is never achieve in war, attack, ambush or assassination.

Reasons to remember that ASL is NOT the same game as AD&D

- You can bet that Torrsaque has more than 4 movement factors.

- actually more than 6 also.

- your 32 FP flamethrower will not even dent the confidence of a red dragon.

- no matter how many times you CX, you can't outrun an Elven Ranger.

- even your 10-3 leader will likely break and run if faced with a 21st level fireball. If this leader is Erwin Rommel in person, the Axis are in real trouble.

- your death star kill stack will definitely be outgunned by the small, dark, female elf with the white hair and the necromantic robe

- even if she pretends to be a Peasant Girl

- c'mere Boys... BOOM

- If wishing to sic your Tiger on the dragon over there, kindly pause to consider that its frontal armor factor is around 75. Even from the rear, you'll not get less than a 60.

- and as for your Stuka, and aerial armor factors - forget it. The dragon just took off, and he can maneuver better than any DB.

- KAPOWWW! There goes that Tiger...

- I love the smell of roast panzergrenadier in the morning

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Here is a list I collected years ago in my very first campaign I ever played. It took place in real time in a chatroom on mIRC.

Most of these sound 'really' bad out of context...

(AO is the DM, btw. The rest are the players)

-=-=-=-

"Llyrani: ooc and he isnt Ralph...the fraggin bird in Shaara's backyard is Ralph!

"Sharra: ooc Is the house still on fire?

"AO: ooc make that a purple yellow and green diaper

"Llyrani: ooc I killed the baaastard

"Faaza: ooc oh no, the suckling pig is still red inside! Oh, wait, go get Tinuvael, he'll know what to do!

* AO puts the bling back in IngblayIngblay

"Phulish1: If she would quit eating walls it would help.

"Fidelia: ooc: ANGIE! I am so sorry! I clicked on ban instead of op! I am sorry!

"`Hobo: Any toe cheese Andrew?

"AO: There is nothing wrong with nakedness. In fact, my apartment is an independent municipal entity. Its called Naked Land.

"Sharra: ooc The maiden, Linu, is a weird thing from the Nine Hells.
"AO: ooc maiden? THAT is an assumption

"`Hobo: I listen to the voices in my head and answer them

"Sylva: Although if it's a thief, as soon as he comes up here and sees me in my underwear, I'm sure he'll run away again!

"AO: The beast gobbles down the schwag

"Fidelia: Musical gas, that's me!

"Sylva: I've discovered a foolproof method of increasing breast size myself...

* Sharra tirs to move Linu back away from the guards
"Sharra: ooc trys
"Sharra: ooc tries
"Faaza: ooc very good ;)
"Sharra: ooc oh nevermind

"Sharra: But, if they are cornered and shone they did something wrong, they, I believe, will do what needs to be done to make it right.
"Sharra: ooc or showed?
"Faaza: ooc shown
"Sharra: ooc ok shown
"Sharra: thanks
"Faaza: know problum

"AO: ooc malus has left his mark with all the smirking going on

"Sharra: ooc its not dandruff, it's bread crumbs!

"AO: Recrap last game

"Sylva: ooc Well, I've decided to get dressed since the pizza guy will be here any time now.

"AO: And you waggled the poor old man's self, you should be shamed you pervert

"AO: Through the course of the measurement, Tinuvael bumps Faaza's crotch several times, each time apologizing with less and less protest.
"Faaza: ooc *looks at Steve oddly*
"AO: ooc Whats odd is that Tinuvael didn't bat an eye.

[starwoof]

Oh wow. Thats just...brilliant.

Bravo friend. Bravo.

[Donsic]

Wow, looks like you guys have a lot of free time, yes? Most of those were pretty good.

[The_Chilli_God]

Oh, yes, I got some.

"The orc, after saying his goodbyes, walks away in the direction he came from, for no apparent reason."
---
DM: "You see a room with a vat of black goo."
Megara (Half-Drow Bard): "C'mon, MURK, you know you want to dive into the goo. It makes you stronger."
MURK (Orc Fighter, 4 int): "Black goo make MURK stronger!" *Dive, starts drowning*
---
"So, MURK just killed 3 orcs singlehandedly in a single round. At 1st lvl. With a half-cooked limb of halfling lodged in his axe."
---
"I turn undead! How long do I stay undead for?"
---
MURK: "I shall hide now." *1* "I'm standing in a corn field, in plain sight, with my hands over my eyes, saying to myself 'If MURK can't see them, they can't see MURK!'"
DM: "The tarrasque ignores you."
MURK: "... Okay, I charge."
---
Cleric of Kord: "Hey guys. How's i-- Sweet mother of Kord!"
---
"So... It's a Chicken Merchant Merchant Murderer Murdering Merchants with chickens?"
---
"Well maybe, if you weren't so fat, you wouldn't have fallen into that pit trap like I managed not to." *Gets backhanded*
---
"I'll take care of this hill giant, you 4 get rid of the other one!" (Last Words)
---
DM: "So now Aust is dead. What's going to happen?"
Kheldar: "We'll put him in my cart. I'll just mark on my inventory... 'One Dead Aust.' There."
---
Guard: "We've got to perform a routine check of your cart, to make sure that there's nothing you're smuggling in here."
Kheldar: "Well, I sure won't stop you. **Oh no! What if they find the dead Aust in the back?**"
Guard: "Okay, you're all clear."
Amy (Ranger): "But what about the dead el--"
Kheldar: "**Quiet, you!**"
Guard: "What was that?"
Kheldar: "Oh, nothing. My friend here is quite... insane, sir. She randomly blurts out random stuff."
Guard: "I see. Carry on, then."
---
Senthos (Psyker): "So, how much for the ship?"
Guy: "10,000 credits."
Senthos: "I see." *Looks in wallet* "Hey, any of you got 10 grand here?"
Tom (Space Marine): "...No, but I have an IMPERIAL CREDIT CARD!"
Senthos: "... Dude, that's a local Eftpos card. We aren't even on the right planet for that card."
Aphikiel (Sister of Battle, turned Psyker): "I shall make my hands catch fire. Then I will grab the guy. Then I will burn him."
Senthos: "Oh dear. Terribly sorry about all this!"
---
"So... this metal beam here is all that is keeping this building from collapsing? I shall see if I can remove the beam and replace it before the building collapses."
---
"I am going to melt the platinum altar down, and put it into my bag to sell later."
---


Hm... I'm sure I've got more than that in memory... Ah well.

[Abd al-Azrad]

I like the whole, "One Dead Aust" one very much.

---

DM: Okay, you find the guy who knows about those sorts of things... he's an elf... he's wearing a... shirt... kinda long hair.

- Our DM after a particularly long day.

[bosssmiley]

"... And the halfling goes berserk. Everyone make fear checks."

^--- Pure OOTS! ;D

[Jerthanis]

"conscience makes cowards of us all..."

that's all I can think of right now.

[Wih]

Dear gods, most of these are brilliant. *steals them*

....don't mind me.

YOINK.

[tgva8889]

"I drink the bottle labeled 'poison' on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion!"

"But my character was TRYING to go out in a blaze of glory!"

[Leadfeather]

DM: You hear a loud splash off to your right.

Player: Does the splash sound threatening?

[Ratatosk]

Player, to an NPC: "You know too much - and you know it!"
----
DM: "You open the coffin... the stench is DEAFENING!"
----
Player (threatening an NPC): "I'm going to be watching your ass... and I know you'll be watching mine!"
----
NPC High Priest: "Before you embark on this perilous adventure, I shall give all of you my God's blessing!"
Player (unable to stop herself): "Do you really have enough Blessings...?"
NPC High Priest: "..."

[Catch]

My group has a few running jokes.
---
DM: A mostrous tentacled creature attacks the side of your boat; it has three eyes and fishlike body.
Party: Okay, so it's an aboleth.
Me: What's an aboleth doing on way the hell out here?
Party: I guess they're pretty common.
Me: So an aboleth walks into a bar...

---
*party captures a hobgoblin*

Wizard: Tie him up!
Dwarf: Nah, my rhino can just sit on him.
Wizard: Sit on him!? You'll crush him!
Dwarf: Betty can be gentle...
---

Fighter with a Fullblade: Big swords are NOT compensation.

---

"No more amputations" (Don't ask about this one)

---

Me: A female with +30 to diplomacy means never having to say you're sorry.

---

Dwarf: Okay, the fighter's a little too drunk, and there's no more room in the inn. My rhino takes him out to the stable and sits on him 'till he sobers up.
DM: During the night, you two *gestures to the wizard and ranger* have some company. You wake up feeling a little winded. *gestures to the fighter* You wake up with a sore bum.

[Aenerb]

This one needs a little backstory: I, Dorbin, am the party barbarian. I collect the heads of those I kill to fasten onto my armor. It's my characters thing. So we managed to kill a named kobold, and I took his head mostly because I had sworn to him that I would if he crossed us again... The DM had forgotten about this. The kobolds had become the force of this dungeon as we had killed the Orc champion early on.

<hideous> is Hideous Dinn, gnomish bard.

*party comes up to a door in the dungeon. Behind the door is what is left of the orcs. They are all wounded*
<hideous> *knocks* Excuse me, can we pass through?
<DM> [orc]What? No!
<hideous> Oh come on, isn't there anything we can do that will allow us safe passage?
<Orc> *thinks* [orc] *laughing* Ok, you bring us the head of the leader of the kobold army. Then we let you pass.
<hideous> *turns to party* Umm, didn't Dorbin kill him and take his head?
<party> Yes.
<hideous> *turns to orcs* Ok, give us 5 minutes. We'll go kill him and bring the head to you.
<DM> [orc] *quizzical expression on the orcs face* Umm, ok...

*Party waits 5 minutes while Hideous gets the head from Dorbin*

<hideous> *knocks again* Ok, here's the head. Let us through now.
<DM> The orcs are thoroughly scared of you now and let you pass. They cower in the corner.

[Jibar]

Just a wee something we came up with when discussing prestige classes,
Josh; "A dwarven defender can stop anything in defensive stance!"
Seth; "Silver dragon charges at them?"
Me; "Easy. defensive stance! The dragon boucnes off."
Sam; "Horde of charging silver dragons?"
Me; "Too easy. defensive stance."
Josh; "Okay then...how about..."
Seth; "Bahamut?"
Sam; "Isn't he the god of dragons?"
Me; "Guess we'll need two dwarves then."

[valadil]

I've seen way too many players botch their heal checks and give another player a "tourniquet to the neck."

[Ratatosk]

“You don’t use diplomacy to seduce someone, you use bluff stupid.”

Surely this is dependant on circumstances?

"In order to secure our claims to the realm, we need to conceive an heir. (Diplomacy)

"I've never felt like this before... not for anyone!" (Bluff)

"Nothing can happen if we do it standing up!" (Bluff Stupid)

[Xanosect]

Barbarian: "I grab a nearby blunt object and throw it at the skeletons"
DM: "You're in a field, their aren't blunt objects laying around."
Barbarian: "Theirs a cleric next to me. Do thrown clerics do extra damage to undead?"

Cleric: "Damn it, the average kindegarden class has more intelligence than we do."
Barbarian "But not as much firepower"

three sessions into a game where the DM always threw the most challenging thing for our level at us.

DM: "Up ahead on the road you can see three men standing there waiting for you."
Fighter: "Don't be fooled, their bears."

Samurai who's intelligent armor just walked away with him. "You'd be in so much trouble now if I were in control of my body."

City Guard feeling out numbered. "BACKUP"
Samurai: "Does he back up?"
Everyone else: "Not that kind of Backup!"

"Do you have control, because I don't think I"m ever going to get it."

DM: "Roll a will save against your own death effect." *wonders of spell turning

Navel combat
DM: "Make an attack with your dingy."

"Wow we have a 50/50 gender ratio"
"Quick, shut the door!"

[Parallax]

Overheard in a gaming store:
"You're a half-dragon half-fiend half-giant half-what?! Exactly how many species stuck their beeeep in your mom?"

[JimmyDPawn]

The two most common phrases in my games...

1)"You do what? No, a dragon jumps out and eats you."
I say that far too often



2)"I cast fear on the ranger."
This one, has been repeated numerous times by the party sorcer, who has a short temper for stupidity, and has to deal with another not-so-great player.

[Maxymiuk]

Spoken by my character (a ranger with a horse companion) to another PC, who's a bit of a sex fiend, in an otherwise all-female party.


Beren: Now... Ryan, is it? I may not know a lot about people, but I do know how things work with horses. See, every now and again there's this young colt running up and down the field, bothering the mares, and making a general nuisance of itself. And you know what the solution is? *Ryan shakes his head* *Beren pulls out and starts sharpening a gelding knife* *Ryan's eyes go wide* Now, horses are just animals. They can't help but follow their impulses. I'd like to believe humans are different - their mind can override their body. Do you think I'm right in this, Ryan?

[Thistle]

The players are at the palace of the godess of death. They get stopped by a small girl who insists they go away.

Player 1: Ok, none of us have any diplomacy or bluff. What do we do?
Player 2: Why don't we jump her.
Player 1: Ok [rolls natural 20]
Dm: Umm... ok you pin her.
Player1: Alright!
DM: Then she smiles and her eyes start to glow.
Player 1: I get off! I get off!

[Tyas]

I am not mean, cruel, hearless or sadistic. I am evil, and there is a distinct difference.

(and there's a distinct story behind that... but that would spoil the flow of the thread.)

[RoboticSheeple]

Sorc: Scorcing Ray!
DM: do you take the - 4 to hit so that you don't hit Og (the Barbarian, already into melee)?
Sorc: ummm, hell no.
*Rolls*
Sorc: woops
DM: (laughs) You incinterate Og in a flash of red light. And get (checks table) #### XP for incinerating one Barbarian.
My CE halfing: Excellent, there may be hope for you yet young one...

This made the 2nd Party member *killed*, the first was assassinated by my Halfing. The other party memebers in this campaign that had been lost were due to other reasons such as...

"Where's the bard?"
"We are letting her sleep it off, you know, all that beer from the last town..."
"But we haven't been in town in 3 days!"

[Jaina]

Not so much a quote but a situation that still makes me grin broadly every time I think of it...

We returned from a fierce battle with a band of orks somewhere in northern Faerun and reached a small town in which we chose to spend the night.
Gideon, the leader of our party, had been made about 8 feet tall by our mage, so that he could pose as an orog when we had tricked our way into the ork camp. Unfortunately the mage had omitted to mention that he didn't know how to reverse that spell, which left poor Gideon feeling quite awkward and uneasy. :-[
So when it came to the point of deciding who of us should knock at the gate and ask for shelter (usually his task), he stopped and looked around to the aforementioned mage, who happened to be a half-drow, then the ranger, who was a half-ork. Deciding that both of them would hardly be considered trustworthy, he turned to Tjalf, a local barbarian (NPC) who had helped us in the fight.
"Well, Tjalf, since these are your people..."
"Nope, they ain't. We raided their town last year." ::)

So in the end Rhona, my poor rogue, ended up booking beds and food at the local inn for 4 grown men who looked totally embarrassed to be there...

That's what makes roleplaying great! ;D

[sniffles]

In a post-apocalyptic d20 Modern campaign, the GM instituted a rule that a 1 on attack rolls or skill rolls using technology meant that the equipment malfunctioned, due to it having been improperly maintained since the collapse of civilization. This pretty quickly expanded from just guns jamming and heads falling off axes to other things:

GM: Roll a Spot check.
Player: I rolled a 1. My eyes break!!

Now whenever anyone rolls a 1 in any game involving this group, we exclaim, "My (insert appropriate thing here) breaks!"
;D

[DeathQuaker]

"No! Not Blackleaf!"

(Sorry. I'll be over here. ;) )

[luffy316]

Quick review of the cast;
Lupus, human thief/fighter. Greedy, cocky, and hates the team druid

Ecko, half-elf druid/monk. The only slightly moral (and youngest) player, which makes him picked on a lot.

Balthas Giggleberry, half-orc bard/fighter. Very self-absorbed and CN to the letter.

Urith, drow mage/monk. Neutral in terms of the party, but likes to raise trouble.

Cutthroat Bill, ogre barbarian. An NPC murderer/rapist/cannibal that Balthas freed on a whim. Apparently a favorite among the party

Andy: elf priest. An NPC and very neutral

Me, DM.


The group sails out to sea in two vessels; Ecko's magical ship manned by the undead, and the local Baron's legitimately obtained boat. Lupus rides the "human" ship

Lupus: What's the name of this boat anyway?
Captain: Um, the Sea Saint, sir.
Lupus: Are you kidding me!? That sucks! We need a bitchin name that'll strike fear in our enemies! Something that says "We f*** up undead"
Me: Dave, that's what we call 'necrophelia'
Dave: PERFECT! I try and paint "The Necrophelia" on the side of the boat!


Balthas: Hey, remember that Scroll of Enlargement I found?
Me: Yeaaaaa...
Balthas: Can I use it on objects too?
Me: Yea, I guess
Balthas: Sweet! I use it on my cannon and fire on Lupus' boat


Me: Do you even know what an illithid IS?
Lupus: I know what BACKSTAB means, and that's all I need to know


Lupus and Ecko are forced to head down a path together, finding two sets of shoes before a long path of lava. They realize they'll need to wear them to cross

Lupus: Okay, we obviously have to wear these. I take the green ones
Ecko: I get the leather ones
Me: Okay, Lupus, you start tap-dancing uncontrollably.
Lupus: Um... I meant to do this. I start tapdancing towards the lava. See, I call this move the 'California Hotfoot'


Sage: What you have here, son, is a Sword of Wishing
Lupus: I laugh maniacally and start drooling


The group faces an illusion of Satan, which Ecko attacks heartily. Balthas suspects it to be a fake (seeing as it is guarding a random trap door)
Balthas: I'll sit back and watch Ecko kill Satan
Me: That had BETTER be the last time i hear that in this game!

Lupus, looking me dead in the eye and speaking a loud, clear voice: I WISH ECKO WAS DEAD!

Lupus spends his three wishes thusly; wishes he can never die, wishes Ecko would die. After a frustrating series of rolls, he unwittingly snaps "I wish I was dead!"

Me: Lupus, you drop dead on the spot.
Lupus: WHAT?! I wished I could never die!
Me: Yea, but this wish trumps... um... wait... unless you... okay, Death himself shows up for negotiations



Urith: I make a Phantasmal Force of a huge wolf and send it to attack them.
Me: Your TEAMMATES?
Urith: They have to learn to stop waking me up this late at night


Balthas: I hurl the halfling at Lupus!
Lupus: I try to dodge!
*rolls
Me: HA! Lupus, you parry the halfling. I don't mean you stop him in midair, I mean you backhand the guy, sending him flying straight back at Balthas like a volleyball


Balthas (after getting hit by a "stink bomb" trap): Okay, whoever made this dungeon is no trap master. We obviously are dealing with a necromancer of 'Home Alone' quality, at best


Balthas: I shove my decapitated junk at the priest and scream "HELP MEEEEEE!"


Ecko: I got a one on my constitution check. I'm poisoned, right?
Me: Hell, Marcus, you have cancer


When Andy leaves the team, they replace him with a dark elf priestess of the god of suffering. Accompanied by her and Cutthroat Bill, they wander into an enchanted woods and find a pool occupied by nymphs.

Me: The nymphs peek out of the water, see Bill, then duck back down into the water in a hurry.
Balthas: Son of a... okay, Bill, hide in the woods, okay?
*Bill grumbles and walks off. The process is repeated, only this time with the priestess. She leaves into the woods too

After asking for directions from the creatures (and Lupus getting briefly brainwashed by a Charm spell), they go back into the woods to find their NPCs. They find both characters covered in blood, the priestess barely standing while Bill is thoroughly gutted.

Ecko: Oh, god, Bill tried to rape her...
(A very logical thought)
Me (oog): No, Marcus, she tried to rape Bill. The 90 pound dark elf tried to rape the ogre! [enter my giant, half-pirate/half-irish ogre voice] NOT LIKE THIIIIS! I'm saving myself!!


Balthas first springs Bill from jail, the two of them fleeing town. I am trying to insist just how dangerous and evil Bill is, as a convicted rapist/killer.

Me: You two run through town, the other escaped prisoners causing too much chaos for there to be much resistance.


The group is on trial, even though none of them did anything genuinely wrong besides Lupus (who is already fleeing town and leaving them behind). The local fortune teller claims he knows the real culprit and shows a magical image of Lupus

Urith: Now, just a minute! That man is a saint! The only thing he's ever stolen in his entire life..... is my heart!


Me: You hit the orc annnnnnd...
*roll
Me: Oof... wow... he um... he goes down and never gets up again.


Balthas: I confess, I did it all. The robbery, the killings, the stuff that I would have to be in two places at once to do, all of it.


Me: The battle's over then. Ecko's doing alright, but Lupus... well, you're standing in the center of the room, surrounded by goblin corpses, a mind-flayer impaled on your spear from a backstab, covered in your own and your enemies' blood, roaring apparently. This is like the perfect image to identify Lupus.
Lupus: Actually, no, because I'm not threatening my loved ones or allies... so i start shoving my spear in Ecko's face with the mindflayer still on it.



Illusion of Male Mage: I really do think we ought to practice more, dear
Illusion of Female Mage: Yes, but we don't exist, dear


Andy is driven mad by the stare of an Umber Hulk, making him attack Ecko and gnaw on his ankle. Balthas manages to use his bardic spells to fix him.
Andy (lying on his back quietly): ...what happened and why do I taste half-elf?


Me: You see Bill outside in the fort's main grounds. He has a pile of bodies on one side of him, and a pile of stolen rations on his other side. He's eating from both indiscriminately


Balthas throws a card from his Deck of Illusions near a huge cauldrun in the goblin kitchen as the others fight off a small troop. I put a spin on what they summon.
Me: Out of the pot appears a 9 foot, ugly green creature. It's a troll, wearing a swim cap and a speedo and looking very wet and angry

[The_Ferg]

When about to die: "I can take 'em."
When rescued from the brink of being killed: "But I had him right where I wanted him!"
When you need to be resurrected: "I gurgle convincingly."
When things are going VERY badly: "Time to skidattle."

[roadkiller]

"Hail fellow travelers of the Deep!"
Or more accurately
"Hail fellow trav--*takes 1d6 from an arrow* OW!"
or
"Hail fellow travelers of the D--*takes 1d6 from a bolt* ARG!"

He managed to finish that sentence about 1/10th of the time.
--
"Don't worry, I swept this place for traps yesterday."
--
6 INT half-orc- You have pies? Pies for lunch?
Waitress- Errm we have shepards pie.
Half-orc- I don't eat shepards.