Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vice versa.

[dehro]

I'm kind of torn. Should I try and find a new Girlfriend or try the single life for a little while? I'm kind of tempted to just be by myself for a while. It's weird, because normally I associate breaking up with someone with a sense of pain, but this time? Not so much.

It sounds like it was very recent. If this were me, I'd wait. She wants to still be friends. Jumping right back in the saddle might compromize that by cheapening somehow the previous relationship. Also, if this were me, I probably would not have such an easy time finding a New girl right away.
Much depends on the individual. Best thing is probably not to set out for anything specific and enjoy a drama Free breakup

So.... Also, I think confessions through social media are kind of weird anyways.

So, what should I do about this?

Avoid doing it publicly over facebook. Potential memeworthy embarassements could ensue. A private chat is much better. Also, he's smart enough to ask for help but still hasn't got a clue... You might want to keep him focused, draw pictures and speak loud and clearly to him.
Mixed messages are... Mixed.

[FinnLassie]

I'm kind of torn. Should I try and find a new Girlfriend or try the single life for a little while? I'm kind of tempted to just be by myself for a while. It's weird, because normally I associate breaking up with someone with a sense of pain, but this time? Not so much.

I would suggest not to find a new lass on your side immediately - give it some time. From my personal experience, every time I found myself actively looking for a partner it either resulted in some of the worst relationships of my life or miserable sulking.

Let things lay low for a while. Don't hurry it. My advice would be not to look for/find a girlfriend, not immediately at least! See what the world might bring you when you least expect it.

[Serpentine]

It sounds like it was very recent. If this were me, I'd wait. She wants to still be friends. Jumping right back in the saddle might compromize that by cheapening somehow the previous relationship. Also, if this were me, I probably would not have such an easy time finding a New girl right away.
Much depends on the individual. Best thing is probably not to set out for anything specific and enjoy a drama Free breakup

Yeah, good point. I pretty much stand by what I said before, but be tactful for a while, especially if anything comes up for you. And I also suggest taking your time to assess your own feelings, too - both of you might seem fine now, but your state of mine could shift dramatically and suddenly in a few days or weeks. Be self-aware, aware of your ex, and honest about your feelings - to yourself most of all.

[Aedilred]

I would suggest not to find a new lass on your side immediately - give it some time. From my personal experience, every time I found myself actively looking for a partner it either resulted in some of the worst relationships of my life or miserable sulking.

Let things lay low for a while. Don't hurry it. My advice would be not to look for/find a girlfriend, not immediately at least! See what the world might bring you when you least expect it.

I've been given this advice before, but it hasn't really borne out. In my experience, sitting back and waiting to see what comes to you is a great way to end up with nothing, and that goes as much for relationships as anything else.

That said, I think it might be one of those things that genuinely is different for men and women. There does still seem to be a widespread expectation, rightly or wrongly (wrongly) that men will put the effort into overtly pursuing women, rather than vice versa. Of course there are women who think this is nonsense and will make advances themselves, and more power to them, but they seem to be a relatively small, if growing, minority. A single woman probably isn't going to have to wait too long for men to start making advances on her*, whereas a single man could easily find himself waiting years before he attracts anyone, let alone anyone he's interested in.

In this specific case, I'd second the advice not to go looking for a new relationship immediately. Try to enjoy the freedom and opportunities that being single gives you for a while; it's a great chance to clear your head. Then when you've had enough of that you can reconsider.

*In fact, forget the "single" part.

[FinnLassie]

Aedilred:

I at no point used the term wait, as it's not what I mean with what I said.

[Coidzor]

I'm kind of torn. Should I try and find a new Girlfriend or try the single life for a little while? I'm kind of tempted to just be by myself for a while. It's weird, because normally I associate breaking up with someone with a sense of pain, but this time? Not so much.

Come what may is the conventional wisdom, IIRC. I mean, if you've got something already more or less lined up and you want to go for it now instead of playing life by ear, that's one thing, though I'd still say make sure you've given yourself enough time for any hiccups to manifest first. Going out and actively looking for someone to pursue though, that's something different. Generally better to give a chance to regain equilibrium rather than go out hunting and find out that you're underequipped at a crucial moment, to mix some metaphors.

I've been given this advice before, but it hasn't really borne out. In my experience, sitting back and waiting to see what comes to you is a great way to end up with nothing, and that goes as much for relationships as anything else.

Less waiting, more playing life by ear and taking it as it comes, meeting new people organically rather than in an active attempt to score/find a woman to wife.

That said, I think it might be one of those things that genuinely is different for men and women. There does still seem to be a widespread expectation, rightly or wrongly (wrongly) that men will put the effort into overtly pursuing women, rather than vice versa.

Tradition and gender roles are a bitch, aye. Things are slowly changing though, IIRC.

IOf course there are women who think this is nonsense and will make advances themselves, and more power to them, but they seem to be a relatively small, if growing, minority. A single woman probably isn't going to have to wait too long for men to start making advances on her*, whereas a single man could easily find himself waiting years before he attracts anyone, let alone anyone he's interested in.

The main difference, I think, is between expressing interest when it develops and actively trying to create interest by engaging in the hunting paradigm of mate acquisition.

IIn this specific case, I'd second the advice not to go looking for a new relationship immediately. Try to enjoy the freedom and opportunities that being single gives you for a while; it's a great chance to clear your head. Then when you've had enough of that you can reconsider.

Indeed.

[Alad]

All I can say is whats been said already, dont rush.
Well update on my situation

Spoiler

Show

Well if anyones curious. Life is going pretty good for me now, I mean not everything is suddenly perfect but I saw my girlfriend on the weekend. we chatted about things, as one does when its 3am and you have an hour to walk home. Long story short we spoke about things and I'm feeling alot better. Thanks astrella for telling me not to be stupid. I was just a little bit freaked out and insecure at the time, and didnt really have the ability to talk to anyone about it

[Sholos]

How does one generate interest again? Because I've been told by a number of people that I'm funny, kind, a good person to be around, etc... and I have generated practically no interest at all.

[GrayGriffin]

Avoid doing it publicly over facebook. Potential memeworthy embarassements could ensue. A private chat is much better. Also, he's smart enough to ask for help but still hasn't got a clue... You might want to keep him focused, draw pictures and speak loud and clearly to him.
Mixed messages are... Mixed.

Well...he is coming back to Taiwan this winter break, and so far our class has always had at least one "class reunion" each break. I see no reason to stop that trend. So I guess it'd be best to wait for an opportunity when we can talk to each other in person.

[Alad]

How does one generate interest again? Because I've been told by a number of people that I'm funny, kind, a good person to be around, etc... and I have generated practically no interest at all.

Umm, confidence, spending large amounts of time with them, blunt honesty that you'd like to go out with them?
Not sure what I can recommend other than that, other than the usual you know take good care of yourself dont be an ass ect ect.

[Crow]

How does one generate interest again? Because I've been told by a number of people that I'm funny, kind, a good person to be around, etc... and I have generated practically no interest at all.

Just ask them out. Even if you might think they are way out of your league. Sometimes they are are interested and you just don't know it. Sometimes they aren't interested. Just ask to take them out. There are well over a billion out there. Sometimes you'll get a "yes", sometimes a "no". Don't sweat it, and just go for it.

[Sholos]

Just ask them out. Even if you might think they are way out of your league. Sometimes they are are interested and you just don't know it. Sometimes they aren't interested. Just ask to take them out. There are well over a billion out there. Sometimes you'll get a "yes", sometimes a "no". Don't sweat it, and just go for it.

There may be "a billion" out there, but I'm only likely to run into a few dozen at best. Probably less than even that, actually. And most of those will be attached to someone else.

[Chen]

There may be "a billion" out there, but I'm only likely to run into a few dozen at best. Probably less than even that, actually. And most of those will be attached to someone else.

Only running into a few dozen at best is something that you can change if you were so inclined. I think you're also vastly underestimating that number. Random people you see at a club, or on public transit (both of which examples of where someone has met a significant other), let alone if you're actively trying to meet people via things like online dating or speed dating.

[Sholos]

Only running into a few dozen at best is something that you can change if you were so inclined. I think you're also vastly underestimating that number. Random people you see at a club, or on public transit (both of which examples of where someone has met a significant other), let alone if you're actively trying to meet people via things like online dating or speed dating.

I'm in two clubs that meet every week. I'm also 28, so quickly getting passed the time when meeting a girl in a college club is still acceptable. I've tried online dating. Utterly failed. Speed dating isn't really my thing since I don't do the short get-to-know-someone thing well at all and I don't start up random conversations with people on the bus (not to mention the only people who are on the bus are people I'm absolutely not attracted to). I know the theory behind meeting people. It just doesn't happen for me.

[Chen]

I'm in two clubs that meet every week. I'm also 28, so quickly getting passed the time when meeting a girl in a college club is still acceptable. I've tried online dating. Utterly failed. Speed dating isn't really my thing since I don't do the short get-to-know-someone thing well at all and I don't start up random conversations with people on the bus (not to mention the only people who are on the bus are people I'm absolutely not attracted to). I know the theory behind meeting people. It just doesn't happen for me.

It doesn't just "happen" for most people. Meeting NEW people generally requires effort unless you're constantly working with the public (and even then that's generally not considered "meeting").

I think the point Crow was making is that if you're interested in someone go for it. If it doesn't work, there will almost certainly always be others. Sure you're never going to meet a billion people, it was an exaggeration to make the point that there are plenty of single people out there.

[Finlam]

It doesn't just "happen" for most people.

I think that's the truth of it. Every date I've had didn't 'just happen'. Oh no. It was always a gut-wrenching, battle of nerves to even be able to work up the courage to start a conversation, let alone ask a girl out. Being an introvert, my mind over-analyzes the situation on top of it, resulting in a negative-self esteem feedback loop that makes me feel worthless for being intimidated at the prospect of asking a girl out, which in turn makes me think I'm not even good enough to ask her out, or even capable of doing it without looking like a complete fool, getting rejected, and laughed at.

These feelings never went away, it happened every time. But I decided to bite bullet and ask her out anyway. The only way I ever found to overcome the nervousness is to lie to myself, "You're the sexiest man alive", "You could probably bench press Arnold Schwarzenegger", "Everybody likes you", "If she says 'no', then you're way too out of her league anyway and should find someone better", etc... it didn't matter how blatant the lies, or how little I believed them. The trick was just to turn my mind from the negative self-esteem feedback loop to a "I really do kick ass" feedback loop. And with a little effort, it worked.

Riding that temporary, totally falsely-induced wave of confidence, I've never been rejected. Confidence gets much easier after the first couple of interactions, and you can relax and be your awesome self without worry: just break the negative feedback loop.

But I've digressed, the point of it all was this: it never just happens, it always takes active effort to make it happen. You can't control luck or chance, but you can control you, your mind, and where you are. All you need to do is believe that you kick ass and make it happen.

[Glass Mouse]

The only way I ever found to overcome the nervousness is to lie to myself, "You're the sexiest man alive", "You could probably bench press Arnold Schwarzenegger", "Everybody likes you", "If she says 'no', then you're way too out of her league anyway and should find someone better", etc... it didn't matter how blatant the lies, or how little I believed them. The trick was just to turn my mind from the negative self-esteem feedback loop to a "I really do kick ass" feedback loop. And with a little effort, it worked.

That's an interesting strategy. It's pretty much "Fake it 'til you make it" turned to 11 I'm gonna try this next time I'm about to do something nerve-wrecking.

[Zrak]

I don't often give relationship advice, but when I do, I tell people to sieze the day.

One day when you look back, you will more regret the things you didn't do, rather than the things you did. Hope that helps.

I don't know, I think I regret more things I didn't do, but I more regret things I did.

On the other hand, I agree with the actual message about seizing the day and "just ask them out." Pretty much every time I've ever hit it off with a girl and not asked her to buy me a beer has been a mistake. I mean, I don't have any illusions we would have had a romance for the ages if I'd made a move, but I could have gotten a free beer out of it, you know? I'm serious. I always think about it that way. If absolutely nothing else happens at any point in the future, I'll at least get a free beer; if I don't even get a free beer, I'm in exactly the same position I was before asking.
Now, obviously things are a little different if there's some complication, like being close friends or the other person dating someone or whatever.

I mean, if they're dating someone, I'd still try for the free beer, but I'm a reprobate.

[Sholos]

It doesn't just "happen" for most people. Meeting NEW people generally requires effort unless you're constantly working with the public (and even then that's generally not considered "meeting").

I must know the absolute luckiest set of people around me, then, because every single one of my friends that's in a relationship had it "just happen".

I think the point Crow was making is that if you're interested in someone go for it. If it doesn't work, there will almost certainly always be others. Sure you're never going to meet a billion people, it was an exaggeration to make the point that there are plenty of single people out there.

Not around me there aren't...

[The Succubus]

These feelings never went away, it happened every time. But I decided to bite bullet and ask her out anyway. The only way I ever found to overcome the nervousness is to lie to myself, "You're the sexiest man alive", "You could probably bench press Arnold Schwarzenegger", "Everybody likes you", "If she says 'no', then you're way too out of her league anyway and should find someone better", etc... it didn't matter how blatant the lies, or how little I believed them. The trick was just to turn my mind from the negative self-esteem feedback loop to a "I really do kick ass" feedback loop. And with a little effort, it worked.

The funny thing? There's an equal amount of truth in these statements as there is in statements like "I'm completely worthless", "I'm going to be alone forever". If you are going to lie to yourself, might as well make it upbeat, right?

[Milo v3]

The funny thing? There's an equal amount of truth in these statements as there is in statements like "I'm completely worthless", "I'm going to be alone forever".

It may just be my pessimism, but those sound much much much more plausible than "You're the sexiest man alive", and "Everybody likes you"....

[Zrak]

I mean, strictly speaking, there is more truth to the self-deprecating statements, only because the ones chosen rely on opinion and conjecture. It can be one's opinion that one is completely worthless, and there's really no evidence to prove or disprove the matter of one's intrinsic worth; similarly "I'm going to be alone forever" may represent something unlikely, but I don't think it represents something demonstrably false.

On the other hand, it's pretty easy to prove or disprove "everybody likes me," and there are probably some people who don't. Saying "I could probably bench press Ahnold" has a little more factual leeway, but most of us probably know we couldn't with much more certainty than we know we won't die alone, since this relies largely on measurable data.

"You're the sexiest man alive," is entirely opinion, though, so it's basically the same as saying "you're completely worthless," since no evidence can prove or disprove either point.

That said, there's nothing wrong with believing you're worthless. Just because ego psychology and the self-esteem movement want to sell you something doesn't mean you have to buy it. It's not like Camus never got a date because he believed his life no inherent value or meaning.

[Coidzor]

It may just be my pessimism, but those sound much much much more plausible than "You're the sexiest man alive", and "Everybody likes you"....

Well, something something something but that thinking makes it so.

So, yeah, constantly reinforcing the idea that one is worthless to one's self is going to be fairly guaranteed success, but it's sort of a hollow victory, when one wars against one's very existence. Telling yourself that you're going to be alone forever is a great example of le self-fulfilling prophecy.

Self-talking yourself to have some spine, backbone, gumption, moxie leads to the development of those provided the right approach and circumstances matching up. Being assured in one's self is a very attractive trait, not only in the sexual-romantic arena.

[Chen]

I must know the absolute luckiest set of people around me, then, because every single one of my friends that's in a relationship had it "just happen".

Im fairly sure in all of those relationships someone made a move of some sort to get things rolling. Asking the person out, making a move to get physical or something must have occurred. It was some sort of proactive work on one of the two (or both) people's parts.

Not around me there aren't...

Well your location does say Middle of Nowhere so if its a small town or something I suppose it could limit your possibilities. Unless its an extremely tiny town (100 or so people) I still suspect you're underestimating the number of single people around.

[Sholos]

Im fairly sure in all of those relationships someone made a move of some sort to get things rolling. Asking the person out, making a move to get physical or something must have occurred. It was some sort of proactive work on one of the two (or both) people's parts.

Oh, well, yes. There was that at some point. But I do the same kind of stuff and absolutely nothing has happened for me. I don't just sit quietly and never talk to anyone. I try to involve myself in other people's lives, both as a friend and very occasionally romantically. I've been rejected every single time I've tried (in real life... my online dating has been more successful in getting a single date, though recently I've been just as terrible at actually getting anyone to talk to me as IRL).

Well your location does say Middle of Nowhere so if its a small town or something I suppose it could limit your possibilities. Unless its an extremely tiny town (100 or so people) I still suspect you're underestimating the number of single people around.

Oh, right. I keep forgetting to change that. Though I do live in a college town, so the vast majority of people I see (that I would actually be attracted to) tend to be much younger than me, and there's a whole host of issues there...

[Chen]

Oh, well, yes. There was that at some point. But I do the same kind of stuff and absolutely nothing has happened for me. I don't just sit quietly and never talk to anyone. I try to involve myself in other people's lives, both as a friend and very occasionally romantically. I've been rejected every single time I've tried (in real life... my online dating has been more successful in getting a single date, though recently I've been just as terrible at actually getting anyone to talk to me as IRL).

Lacking context for this, I can't really give any explanations and/or help, but it could just be a matter of continuing to try. It took me ages to find any stable relationships, but it did end up happening (at around the same age you are now btw).

Oh, right. I keep forgetting to change that. Though I do live in a college town, so the vast majority of people I see (that I would actually be attracted to) tend to be much younger than me, and there's a whole host of issues there...

You said you were 28, so while clearly going after the new college entrants who are around 18 might be a tad taboo, I imagine there are still plenty of people at college who are older. Anyone doing any post-graduate work will certainly be around your age. And honestly age differences start to make far less of a difference as you get older anyways. Being 5 years older than a partner is not abnormal.

[Jormengand]

It may just be my pessimism, but those sound much much much more plausible than "You're the sexiest man alive", and "Everybody likes you"....

Your pessimism may be the one thinking that, but my realism concurs.

[Coidzor]

Your pessimism may be the one thinking that, but my realism concurs.

No one can stop a man determined to make himself miserable, I suppose.

[Zrak]

There is one sexiest man alive. More than one person, to understate, goes through their life unmarried and/or without significant romantic interaction. Other factors being uncertain, the latter is more likely than the former.

Just sayin'.

[Aedilred]

No one can stop a man determined to make himself miserable, I suppose.

Oh, I'm sure someone could stop me if they tried. All I can do is be miserable and I'm not even very good at that.