Pimp My Mule

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Okay, the Dungeon Mule is a staple of adventuring parties who cannot afford bags of holding or haversacks. It can carry far more than the party members can, which means more treasure you can haul back. It also means you can haul back fairly sizable pieces that you would normally be unable to take with you (such as a four foot long painting worth 10k, but who is going to carry around something that bulky while trying to go through combat?).

However, after the party can start affording Haversacks, the Dungeon Mule starts lacking in utility. Parties start going up against things with area effect abilities which can kill the mule even if it makes it's save. They also start running into problems that mules simply cannot cross, like climbing up cliffs and such.

I'm running a game for my friends, and they wanted a dungeon mule which would be able to withstand the rigors of adventuring. We came up with something reasonable which I found quite amusing and thought I'd share...

Draw, the Dungeon Mule
Size/Type: Large Animal
Hit Dice: 5d8+15 (35 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class: 16 (-1 size, +2 Dex, +5 natural), touch 11, flat-footed 14
Base Attack/Grapple: +2/+9
Attack: Hoof +4 melee (1d4+3)
Full Attack: 2 hooves +4 melee (1d4+3)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: —
Special Qualities: Low-light vision, scent, Evasion
Saves: Fort +6, Ref +4, Will +1
Abilities: Str 17, Dex 14, Con 17, Int 2, Wis 11, Cha 6
Skills: Listen +6, Spot +6
Feats: Alertness, Endurance

Draw is the Ranger's Animal Companion. He specifically asked that since he can get a horse or a pony, could he get a mule instead, and I agreed. So the Rng6/Sorc1/AA3 has an effective druid level of 3, which gives his pet Evasion, +2 HD, +2 Natural Armor, +1 Dex/Str, and two extra tricks.

Draw's Equipment

Yes, the whole party chipped in to purchase this equipment for Draw. I was too amused by this to have the heart to refuse them.

Gold Tooth of Sustenance - functions exactly as a Ring of Sustenance, only it is a gold tooth. Yes, they paid double price for an unusual item, and 500 gp for the MW gold tooth. Yes, the mule has a gold tooth. The ranger's player told me this was to keep from having to worry about feed, but I suspect he just likes playing 'Pimp my Mule'. I did agree to it, though, because it was funny and yet fitting.

Horseshoes of the Zephyr - Now the mule can walk over things that even the party can't, allowing it to go anywhere they can. It also doesn't leave tracks. The party wizard now has Telekenesis in case he needs to bring the mule up a ladder or something.

Saddle, Pack - so it can carry more stuff.

Everburning Lanterns - It has two Bull's Eye Lanterns with Continual Flame spells in them, one hanging on the lantern hook on each of the front corners of the pack saddle. It also has one in a regular lantern in the back. This is to keep the party from having to worry about who is carrying the light source for dungeon crawls.

Lantern of Revealing The fourth lantern is a Lantern of Revealing with a Continual Flame inside to keep it lit at all times. This has saved the party from ambush once already.

Collar of Resistance +2 to help beef up his saves

Saddlebags of Holding - Draw has two Saddlebags of Holding type IV, one over each side. These are large enough to hold nearly any sort of treasure they could find.

Handy Haversack - While having nowhere near the capacity of the saddlebags, it's built-in index makes it a handy place to store things that the party might want to access quickly (potions of nutralize poison, healing potions, or other items which need to be on hand quickly in the event of an emergency). It is resting on the pack saddle between the two saddlebags.The party has rigged up a four-post harness for the pack saddle to hang the lanterns on, and brace the Haversack between.

The Ranger was tempted to get some enchanted Barding for the mule, but instead went for the much cheaper Mage Armor as one of his sorcerer spells known to cast on the mule.

In short, the Ranger had to choose an animal companion, but knew he wasn't going to get more than 6 levels of Ranger any time soon (eventually going for Ranger9/Sorc1/AA10 so he can get evasion). Since he was only effective 3rd level druid, he knew his animal companion wasn't going to be much use in combat, so he came up with this idea. The rest of the party just LOVED the idea, so they all chipped in to outfit the mule.

I must say, this is one of the most pimped out NPC followers I've ever heard of, and a masterful use of what is normally considered a gimped class ability. They have been able to pack away darn near everything that isn't nailed down (and a few things that were) in those saddlebags (500 cu.ft. of storage...) including statues made of valuable metals or were artistically valuable, other forms of large and cumbersome but expensive artwork, a backup alter for the cleric in the event he needs to drop down a Hallow somewhere, an entire adult dragon rendered down for parts (scales, teeth, bones, blood... they killed it, then butchered it, and stored all the parts, which has paid them back most of the cost of outfitting the mule already), and just about anything else they came across that looked vaguely valuable.

Is it efficent? I don't know. That's a WHOLE lot of storage on that mule (3,000 lbs just in the saddlebags). But is it cool? Heck yea... that's why I let them do it.

Of course, the whole thing started when someone said 'My character is a pimp daddy', and someone else said 'pimp my ass'. And as we all know, that's just another word for donkey, right? So, they took him literally, and now they've got Draw, the Pimpin' Dungeon Mule.

[Red Sky Knight]

That ass got layers! now all you need is awaken

[PinkysBrain]

Maybe they are just master metagamers and it's all an elaborate ruse to prevent you from throwing AoE spells at them ;) Or do they just keep naming every new version Draw?

[Hzurr]

This makes me happy.

[JellyPooga]

What can I say but 'Wow'?

I do have one question though. What sort of paint job does it have? Are we talking 'Go Fasta Stripes' or 'Flames from the Wheel Arches (hooves)'? I'm pretty sure the wizard could knock up some kind of permanent, magical dying process to really pimp that ass.

[mikeejimbo]

That ass got layers! now all you need is awaken

Draw, the awakened pimped ass.

[JaronK]

I've done something similar before, and it wasn't even an animal companion. There's a story going around the internet of a mule that attacked and killed a mountain lion that was stalking a man and his wife when they were out on the trail, which lead to me buying a Magebreed War Mule. It rocked.

JaronK

[OzymandiasVolt]

I feel I must mention that Bags of Holding are limited by both space AND weight. Those metal statues must've been small.

(But yeah, that's pretty freaking awesome.)

[clericwithnogod]

That's absolutely awesome.

Summon Desert Ally II let's you summon a donkey. If you use an online gaming tool, you can assign display text for your attack macros like: "Bite, my ass" and use them in response to annoyances.

[Björn]

good but does the gold tooth have the mules initial on it?
it's not a pimped out mule with out the initial on the gold tooth

[Woot Spitum]

That's great. All you need now is some sort of seige weapon mounted on it. The closest any party I've played with has come to spending that much money on a pack animal was when we bought a domesticated triceratops to pull a massive cart. It was kinda impractical, but very cool.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Maybe they are just master metagamers and it's all an elaborate ruse to prevent you from throwing AoE spells at them ;) Or do they just keep naming every new version Draw?

Surprisingly enough, Draw has survived quite a few AoE stuff tossed at them. Since he's the Ranger's animal companion, he has Evasion, so he takes no damage on a sucessfull save. That Collar of Resistance really helps too.

That ass got layers! now all you need is awaken

Actually, that would hurt Draw more than help. He'd loose all the bonus hit dice, natural armor, stat bonuses, and Evasion that being the Ranger's Animal Companion gets. The idea got brought up, but shot down for this reason. Also, as an animal companion, he is more reliable than if he were an Awakened beast with it's own motives.

I do have one question though. What sort of paint job does it have? Are we talking 'Go Fasta Stripes' or 'Flames from the Wheel Arches (hooves)'? I'm pretty sure the wizard could knock up some kind of permanent, magical dying process to really pimp that ass.

New York Rims (horseshoes), and Go Fasta Stripes. They are looking into a practical boombox to install next, but are having issues with the party Rogue who wants to keep things quiet for potential ambushing/preventing ambushes.

I feel I must mention that Bags of Holding are limited by both space AND weight. Those metal statues must've been small.

(But yeah, that's pretty freaking awesome.)

250 cu.ft. per bag is a LOT of space in there. But yes, they were not too big.

good but does the gold tooth have the mules initial on it?
it's not a pimped out mule with out the initial on the gold tooth

Oh heck yea. What kind of gold tooth is considered Masterworked if it don't have your initials etched in it?

[Woot Spitum]

Ooh! You could get an enchanted boombox that can cast Soundburst, Shout, Greater Shout, and Earthquake! Plus give it the ability to automatically dispel any silence based spell.

[Arang]

That mule needs some enchanted mule bling. Necklaces with initials, top hats, grills (sorry, that should be grillz), the works. Then you need some sort of light spell on the shoes so you get an underglow neon mule. Then all you need is some coloured steam coming out of its nostrils at the same time that it activates its Haste ability.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

That mule needs some enchanted mule bling. Necklaces with initials, top hats, grills (sorry, that should be grillz), the works. Then you need some sort of light spell on the shoes so you get an underglow neon mule. Then all you need is some coloured steam coming out of its nostrils at the same time that it activates its Haste ability.

The Collar of Resistance is a golden necklace with a big 'D' dangle, gem studded.

They are working on finding him some sort of proper headgear as well.

They recently sold the statue, and are looking into some Mithral Barding with suitabally pimped out paint job.

He has no Haste ability, sadly. He has Horseshoes of a Zephyr, not Horshoes of Speed. While they are looking into getting him some 'nitro boosters', the Zephyr is just too damn useful to the party to switch them out on a more permanent basis. Besides, it does the party little good for the mule to go faster if the rest of the party cannot catch up with him.

"With my New York Rims, and my Gold Tooth displayed... no body messes with me 'cause they know I got it made. Yea I'm bad... I'm nationwide"

[Rama_Lei]

You may also consider a variety of enchantments such as Antipathy, which repels intelligent creatures or Sanctuary, which is great since he's not going to be attacking. A few ideas to keep the greatest NPC ever alive.

[CockroachTeaParty]

When you got a new mule...
uh huh uh huh
And you're feelin' like a fool...
ok ok
Whatcha gonna do?

GHOST RIDE IT!
Ghost ride your ass!

[ShneekeyTheLost]

You may also consider a variety of enchantments such as Antipathy, which repels intelligent creatures or Sanctuary, which is great since he's not going to be attacking. A few ideas to keep the greatest NPC ever alive.

Antipathy only works on one certain type of critter, although the duration is awsome.

Sanctuary is much better, however duration is only rounds/level. It is only a 1st level spell, however, so the cleric could concievabally cast it on the mule at the beginning of combat.

The issue is that there are no always on magic items which produce either of these effects. And, like True Strike, a Sanctuary item, while theoretically cheap, is far more game-breaking than it first seems. If I'm reading the formula correctly, the cost would be (1 (spell level) X 1(caster level) X 2,000 X 4 (normally rounds duration). If they make it something like a Periphat, there wouldn't even be the extra cost for Uncustomary Space Limitation. Simply hang it from the Collar of Resistance. So for 10k, anything that tries to attack the mule has to make a will save to be able to do so. That sounds broken. Even worse, when someone gets the idea of making one for themselves...

[KBF]

If Sancuary is game breaking, why not give him a very basic attack incase someone gets too close?

[ShneekeyTheLost]

If Sancuary is game breaking, why not give him a very basic attack incase someone gets too close?

An Amulet of Natural Attacks was also floated as an item to get Draw...

currently, they're trying to figure out how to get around the magic item slot rules...

[Raistlin1040]

Dude so cool. I'd pimp out my ranger's mule but all he has is a wolf.

[KBF]

Hmm... Is the belt slot being used?

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Hmm... Is the belt slot being used?

And where would one put a belt on a mule already carrying a pack saddle?

[goat]

What the mule needs, is a cod-piece.

[KBF]

If the mule's so pimped, what about hydrolics? He could be taught to dance.

[Collin152]

Cast "Polymorph" On the mule into a much, much more pimped out looking verison right before you strol into town. No need to load up on the bling-It's got it when you need it, and it doesn't when you don't.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Cast "Polymorph" On the mule into a much, much more pimped out looking verison right before you strol into town. No need to load up on the bling-It's got it when you need it, and it doesn't when you don't.

Polymorph, PaO, or any other form of Polycheeze is prohibited and banned from the game by order of the GM.

[goat]

Get it a straw sun-hat.

A purple one, with a zebra-print band around it.

Then make it a helm of comprehending language so the mule can understand any spoken command or warning.

[Collin152]

Polymorph, PaO, or any other form of Polycheeze is prohibited and banned from the game by order of the GM.

So cast an Illusion on it!

[Xerillum]

Oh, gold medallions! Pile on the bling!