Funny PCs!

[SuperJesusFTF]

What was the funniest thing a PC that you DMd for or played with did in game.

I had a Warlock and he found a wand, wasnt sure what it was so he tried to activate blindly.

Warlock: Whats the DC to activate the wand blindly?

DM (me): Its DC 25.

Other Player: But hes not blind!?

He was completely serious too, im sure you know the type that doesnt have a sence of humor so everything they say is serious.

[LotharBot]

Our party's half-orc barbarian, Grokk, spends about 90% of his time smashing things. "Grokk smash!" is his battle cry.

"OK, Grokk, since you won the game [a dice game at a high-class establishment] you have to tell a story."

"Once, when Grokk was a kid, Grokk was walking in the woods. There was a little frog."

*long pause*

"So Grokk smash!"

[cylepher]

DM (me): You smell a foul stench in the room, and can barely make out a large form in the center of the cavern.

Wizard: Lets wait for the others to get here.

Halfling Monk: Screw that, I run up and attack, Flurry of Blows!

DM: The huge black dragon looks down at you and spits...roll a new character.


Mind you, they were only 4th level. Ah well......

[RandomNPC]

i had someone disect a dragon after a battle it went something like this.

Fighter: i cut the dragon open and search it's innards, they've been known to snack on gems.
Me: ok, you slice her open and find a bunch of dragon organs
Fighter: just regualr dragon organs? nothing else?
Me: you notice a few of them are slightly out of key
Fighter: What?
Barbarian: are they pipe organs or some other kind of organ?
Me: just dragon organs, but you were expecting something special, so a few organs are out of key

i've got more moments but my minds a bit tired, ill post 'em later.

[NecroPaladin]

I don't mean to plug my own thread, but a lot of good things pop up at the PC Stupidity Thread. Of course, those only pertain to the moments that are funny because they're idiotic.

Aside from this, I know I mentioned my Paladin's undead-themed one liners somewhere, and this was a good conversation;

Namesake the Necropaladin: That was quite the battle. I need you to heal me.

Dread Necromancer: Come again? I don't heal, I'm a necromancer.

NN: Only dark energy can help me stand once I'm down.

DN: Are you coming on to me? I mean, you're a priest. That's kinda wrong.

NN: I beg your pardon? I simply need you to touch me-

DN: Okay, No.

NN *draws club*: Do not think that I will not resort to punishing your frail form until you agree to touch me!

DN: Ew! Dude, that is not...normal! What is wrong with you? That isn't HEALING!

NN: It most certainly is, Necromancer. Now lend me your hand!

DN: God no!

NN: God no? I am a servant of those gods! I will be useless in battle until I have only a fraction of your power in my hands!!

DN: Wait, you want your hands on ME now?




It went on like this.

[Voleta]

Our group was faced with trying to leave a city surrounded by evil horrible people. The party is all good, and I'm a CN gnome bard. Yea. They were all arguing about how to escape, and I had come up with a plan, but no one was paying attention. I slammed a book down on the table and said "SHUT UP I'm being clever!"

I then stormed the city's Information Office (yes, it was a big cubic building with plain walls and no windows) and attempted to convince them that I had a plan to drain the sewers so the city could be evacuated. Yes, my plan consisted of getting the money, running away at full speed,then offering it to the advancing army to let me pass.

[Luircin]

So my players were given an assignment to sneak across enemy lines and disable a bunch of catapults. A simple go-in, go-out mission. The minotaurs in the encampment were nice and drunk with heavy penalties on their listen checks from the partying, and it was the time of the night during which the guards are the sleepiest.

First thing that they do when they come across the encampment? Fireball, burning hands, flaming sphere. Lit the camp up like a torch, literally, burning down all the buildings with the partying minotaurs in them. They managed to take out the catapults, but mostly because they were charred cinders by the end.

One of the guards managed to escape and was bringing reinforcements. As they ran from the burning encampment, my players went and added insult to injury by singing off-key. "Burninating the catapults! Burninating the barracks! Burninating the drunken minotaurs!"

It became a running gag for the rest of the campaign AND the one after it...

[CatGuy]

The Shugenja PC in a campaign I DM is a 'cult leader' type who, at level 7, seems to have convinced even himself that he is his own deity. The real mystery, though, is the cleric cohort who worships that PC. Three sessions in and even I'm not exactly sure where that cleric's getting his spells from.

[Vaynor]

The Shugenja PC in a campaign I DM is a 'cult leader' type who, at level 7, seems to have convinced even himself that he is his own deity. The real mystery, though, is the cleric cohort who worships that PC. Three sessions in and even I'm not exactly sure where that cleric's getting his spells from.

Technically that works... which is kinda scary.

It's a "divine source", or something to that affect...

[Jade_Tarem]

The party I DM for entered a room with a curious enchantment placed there - any spell cast in the area would become a living spell (not just area of effect spells). They found this out after the casting of a contagion spell, so now they fight the living, oozy essence of the contagion magic. The party was light on players and so the powergamer was running two: a gnomish rogue named Opti and a human cleric named Justin Case. Opti got caught in the ooze and finally made it out after having his con reduced to low, low single digits. When he got free the player got Opti out of there as fast as he could, tumbling to avoid AOO's - which Opti happened to be very good at.

Player: Opti gets free? In that case he gets back up and tumbles to hell.

Me (slightly confused, this is the powergamer, after all): Can you do that?

Player (distracted, rolling dice): If you're good enough. (Finishes, looks up with a sneaky expression) Or... bad enough.

This still does a better job of cheering me up than a number of other things.

[KuReshtin]

I once played a human rogue that was chosen to complete a riddle that our DM had set up for us.
The DM liked putting in OOC type riddles in the game for some reason and this particular one was a statue of some sort with 10 arms, one of which was holding a golden orb.
After much deliberation within the group, and reading a few hints on pillars located at the perimeter of the room the statue as in, we came to the conclusion that we needed to find items symbolising the 9 planets of the solar system. Since there were nothing but the statue in the room, we scout ahead a bit and find a room littlered with small items that we figure needs to be used to complete the riddle.
We all head back to the roo with the statue with a heap of stuff. First try to put an item on the first little platform..

**ZAP!**

Lightning bolt fires out of one of the pillars and hits the group. Everybody freaks out and runs out of the room in fear of getting hit by more lightning bolts.
Since I was the rogue with the Dodge feat, I was chose to go back in and try ot sort the riddle and solve the puzzle.
Every time I placed an incorrect item on a platform, a lightning bolt would go for me, and every time I rolled a reflex save, and each time I managed to dodge the full damage of the lightning bolt.
Of course, if I got hit, I'd just turn to the cleric and ask for a CLW, but the amount of saves I made during that trial had the players rolling with laughter and the DM getting more and more annoyed because his trap didn't seem to have any effect on my PC.

Me: I place the tiny shoe on the third platform and get ready to dodge.
DM: You hear a slight noise and then a bolt of lightning shoots at you from one of the pillars. Roll reflex save.
Me: *rolls* Total of 24.
DM: Damn. Lightning bolt misses.
Me: Okay, then I place the tea cup on the third platform and get ready to dodge.
DM: again, you hear the slight noise and another bolt of lightning shoots at you. Roll reflex save.
Me: *Rolls* Total 22.
DM: Dammit.

And repeat....

[ExHunterEmerald]

Terrence Randall, my rogue ex-bandit who found religion.
We always joked about how bad he'd be if he tried to become a cleric or paladin.
"You know, there's a ranged smite feat..." "I can see it now. 'TASTE TEH JESUS!' Twang!"

"Oh man, Terry would be the worst priest ever. 'Brother Terrence, why
are the new acolytes passed out on the foyer rug?' 'Damn, I knew I shouldn't've slipped them some sacramental wine.' 'What?' 'Uh, nothing. Praise Allah!' 'Argen.' 'Whatever.'"

I've made a few incarnations, and nowadays one is going through the Tomb of Horrors. I -really- maxed out my saves. I have a +20 to reflex and evasion. The first trap I sprung was a hallway with rocks falling in. I roll something like a 38 and remind the DM that Terry takes no damage on a passed reflex save.
So we decided that he does a quadruple-jedi-style-backflip out of the tunnel dodging rocks and comes out on one knee, arms outstretched, with an inexplicable rose in his teeth.

Later I kept attacking these undead swarms of insects by jumping on and off an altar that launched a lightning bolt and a fireball when touched. I kept making my saves, and the bugs became crispy critters.

[Steve_the_ERB]

Long story, but hopefully amusing.

So the party is camped on the beach near a pit (more of a trapdoor really) leading down to an underground outpost. We know the entrance way is trapped, monsters appear every time we pass the threshold. We decide to camp for the night before going further.

During the night the monk decides to go fishing (he has supposed to be on watch but has some strange obsession with fishing, although not for much longer...) With some crude line (no pole, no net) he saunters down to the water and throws the line in. After a little while there is a heavy tug on the line. He fights with it for a while but the final tug yanks him off his feet and drags him into the water (as he had tied the line to his belt).

The druid, who is also on watch, sees this, gives the nearest character (the fighter) a shove and starts running towards the water. The fighter quickly grabs her sword and runs after. Neither of them think to wake up the rest of the party (myself - the wizard or the dwarven cleric).

As the druid dives into the water he transforms into a huge shark and making a split second decision the fighter grabs his dorsal fin as he goes under. They speed after the monk and find that the other end of the line is in fact held by a sahaugin raiding party. Apparently one of them got caught in it and they pulled the foolish land-dweller under. They then subdued him with some sort of conch shell that acted as both a water breathing potion and a knockout gas.

With a daring move the druid decides not to stick around and simply darts forward, the fighter desperatly holding on the whole time, and swallows the monk whole, snapping the fishing line. He then high-tails it back to the beach. The sahaugin have sharks of their own and are in hot pursuit. The druid decides not to slow down at all and when he gets to the beach says he is literally going to thrown himself on it. The DM called for a Jump check and the result is truly massive.

So imagine if you will you're stading on a moonlit beach and all of a sudden this 20 foot long shark leaps out of the water and arcs overhead in a horrible rendition of "Free Willy". At the top of his jump he literally vomits up the monk, who lands in a wet, slimy, smelly pile in the center of camp. The druid however, with fighter still attached, continues his graceful leap suddenly realizing that he's headed straight for the pit. With no time to do anything he shuts his eyes, waiting for the impact. As they hurtle towards the ground the fighter tumbles forward so she's under/ahead of the shark, which is OK since the shark is too big to fit and gets lodged at the top of the pit.

So the fighter is sitting at the bottom of a short pit, in the dark, with water and shark vomit dripping on her from the druid above. And then what happens, why the monsters appear of course; two floating skulls wreathed in green flames and two shambling zombie like things. Of course the druid just wild shaped into something more appropriate for battle next round but for that one moment the sceen was hilarious.

Meanwhile the cleric and I wake up because of the commotion to find the dazed and reeking monk next to us and a large band of angry sahaugin marching out of the sea.

Suffice to say the monk gave up fishing at that point.

[Ranis]

In an epic-level campaign of the RPGA that I was watching, a party had been given a charge to retrieve a crystal that contained the soul of Heironeous. It was a diamond with swimming charges in it about the size of a basketball, so it was pretty heavy. They gave it to the Half-Orc.

They were taking it out of the dungeon when they tripped a trap they hadn't sprung on the way in, causing the Half-Orc to drop the gem that contained the soul of a god. The bard in the party then asked the absolute funniest thing I have ever heard.

"Does Reality get a saving throw?"

[ssjKammak]

Gday,

In a particualrly boring campaign i played in a while back, the party was placed in a room steadily filling with water and the only way to escape as told to us by an npc looking down on us was to make him laugh, so after 3 players had told a series of very bad jokes (OMG players can be so uninspiring when put on the spot to make a quick descision) and been left to drown, the next player simply stated how do you stop a dwarf from drowning ... dm was silent (i htink he was cuaght off guard being asked a question) in the end the NPC responded i dont knwo to which the player stated take your foot off his head.

in the end he was the only player who managed to get a laugh and was then left with the task of rescueing the rest of the party.

Cheers
A friendly aussie

[MaxKaladin]

In one of my college games, I had a priest of Tempus who was the grim, hardbitten, tough-as-nails warrior type. This game took place in the Forgotten Realms -- specifically in Waterdeep and the North. Two amusing stories come to mind.

1. He was walking through the streets of Waterdeep with one of the party wizards when he felt a tug at his belt and noticed a street urchin dashing off with his belt pouch. He and the wizard took off in hot pursuit. The kid tries to lose them in the alleys, but ends up at a dead end where new construction has just blocked off the escape route he was using. Finding himself cornered, he tries a desperate tactic. He pulls a stick out of his tunic and points it at the pursuers as if it were a wand. "Stop! Stop or I'll fry ya both!", he cries.

This caught the players by surprise and they actually did stop and stare at the kid for a moment. I guess they figured it was just barely possible the kid pickpocketed a wand of some kind and figured out how to use it -- this is the high-magic Forgotten Realms, after all.

They only paused a second though. The priest of Tempus then pointed his finger at the kid and bellowed "Drop that wand and surrender or I'll use your guts for garters!"

The wizard (and the player, who had absolutely PERFECT delivery) turns to the priest with a somewhat surprised and puzzled look on his face and asked "You wear garters?"

I suspect this is one of those stories where you really had to be there but I can't help but laugh every time I think of it.

2. The party was besieged by a force of Zhentarim. They knew the Zhents were coming and had prepared various booby traps, including magical ones, around the castle they were in to create a minefield of sorts. Once the Zhents arrived, their leader raised a flag of parley and asked if he could have a safe conduct to approach the castle to talk. The priest of Tempus granted permission but made a big production out of warning the leader not to try anything treacherous because Zhents are like that, you know. When the leader made his own warning about treachery, the priest started in on how honorable he is and how he would, of course, observe the rules of war. Satisfied, the leader approached. Unfortunately, the priest forgot all about the various boobytraps they'd set and the leader walked right into one, injuring himself. He fled back to his lines while cursing the treacherous, lying priest of Tempus. The Zhents got a lot of good propaganda mileage out of that incident.

[The Prince of Cats]

I started a game in a small farming village. The party were just farmers and farm-hands, one was a tailor and the mage was a cook (explains all those herbs she is always picking).

One of them was a fighter with an int of about 4. I will never forget the first time she was left on watch. I told her she saw a couple of dark figures in the night, so she waved to them with a big smile and offered them some food.
The party awoke to find that she was sitting with a pair of very well-armed elves while discussing all their plans and secrets. Also, their weapons were gone. Luckily, these elves were allies and just being cautious by taking the weapons.

Later, the same character was trapped in a situation where all seemed lost. So, she started praying. To whom, I asked. Otatop...
You see... She had a pet potato, named Otatop. Given her high strength rating and tendency to roll high, Otatop was also a deadly thrown weapon. I am not sure why, but we always played with the house-rule that you could pray for divine intervention and get a 2% chance of at least being heard. Since she was praying to a potato, I warned her that it was just as likely that a malevolent deity would hear, but she would not be dissuaded.

This is how a humble potato became a deity... Not only that, but she even convinced me to let her take ranks in Paladin... ..of Otatop... This would come back to haunt me. The party pooled their money to buy and reconsecrate a captured church of some dark god. The cult of Otatop was now the church of Otatop. They used the favour owed by the king for ending a rebellion to have the church recognised formally.

=====

The other great moment was when I was a player. The group had been split and (purely by accident) I was stuck with the characters played by my brother and my sister. The other group had got through a border checkpoint by pretending to be merchants, but that left us trying to get past. I was a human mage without my spell-book, armed only with a longsword I couldn't even use. My brother was a fighter pretending to be a monk (not the class, the robed holy kind) and so unarmed just to hide his face under a hood. My sister was playing a bard with 18 cha.

We said we were merchants who had been robbed and bluffed for all we were worth. Almost enough, but they wanted a bribe.

We had no gold, no equipment. Everything we had was on the other side of the checkpoint so as not to arouse suspicion. (we had no money as a party, just weapons) What could we pay with?

"How about her?" we asked, offerring our sister's character to the guards while she was in the toilet. They liked that idea.

That would not be so bad, but she was eating when we told her what had happened. She choked and uttered the line which she would not live down for a while...

"I think I need a drink."


For a while, we were not allowed to make plans involving her without permission...

[Nahal]

Improvised weapons are FUN

My first campaign, obscenely high magic (think FR on crack; one of the first party NPC's was a sentient construct that was not only immune to magic, but rebounded and amplified any spell cast at it at everyone in a large radius. I accidentally took out a whole militia with a single magic missile spell later when the thing got possessed and turned hostile.)

We had acquired the power to cast a version of reduce person on steroids, shrinking ourselves down to a couple inches tall or back again at will. This is important, because our foes (who did not know this) were mini-size and using beagles to track us. Eventually they caught up, because we were mini-size to avoid other foes (specifically the zombies that tended to arise spontaneously every night). However realizing we were outgunned here, the barbarian goes back to normal size while the rest of us deal with their riders. He grabs a beagle and snaps its neck. He then uses it like an improvised flail... and beats the other beagles to death with it. Problem solved, but the mental image had us in a mixture of stitches and horror.

[silentknight]

I've mentioned this one before, in a different thread...

Party is fighting a flying undead, a nightwing. Its SR is protecting it from most of the spells and the party is impatient to kill the beastie.

Player A is a monk.
Player B is a halfling rogue with Wings of Flying.
Player C is a gnome wizard.

Player A uses his Abundant Step to Dim Door 900+ ft above the nightwing and uses himself as human missile to pound the undead severely.

Players B & C think this is a great idea, so Player B picks up Player C and they fly up above the nightwing. They then fly straight down, attempting to copy Player A. They both miss. Player B flies gently to the ground. Player C smacks into the ground at terminal velocity.

It was several minutes before we had the composure to continue play.

[Brauron]

Yay improvised weapons...

In a recent adventure we finished, we had to think or way through a dungeon based on the concept of a Funhouse (also, the movie "Cube"). We had to do this to get to an evil gnome illusionist who had kidnapped a little girl. We get there, and he immediately releases the little girl into the custody of two NPCs who had come with us; a local Monk and a Warrior who was the older brother of the little girl. They leave, and a wall of flames springs up behind us, as the gnome looks at us and says, "I'll get much more on the slave market from you four..." and animates a bunch of toys (he'd been playing games with the little girl) to attack us. In addition to the toys, he summoned a Fiendish Boar to deal with my barbarian, the biggest, strongest, and most-threatening in appearance.

I picked up the boar by the tusks, swung it around, and hurled it at the illusionist, hitting him, dealing 15 pts of damage.

The DM looked at me, awestruck, and said, "I didn't think you'd be able to actually pull that off!"

[Nahal]

Hey, our barb almost hit a BBEG with one of them beagles; he was the enemy leader and stading up on a tree branch. GM ruled he'd hit on a nat 20 (we have a few situations like that which paid off), sadly he rolled a 19 on the last one.

[PnP Fan]

I was a Storyteller for a Vampire game once when one of my friends decided to play a Malkavian. But rather than playing some sort of truly deranged and violent nut, his Malkavian has a very high humanity, so he opts for just weird. His character had been a writer when he was embraced, so he developed two personalities. The first was known as "The Hero" or "Our Hero", and he was the hero of a novel. The second persona was "The Narrator", who narrated the novel that "The Hero" was in. Of course the Hero was unnaware of this, nor was he aware of all the smart remarks the Narrator was making about him and the other Characters he was dealing with.
The player even went so far as to max out his Auspex, so he could see into the future, and put points into Celerity so that he could speak/act faster than everyone in the party, and narrate their actions as well. Hilarity ensued, to the point it was distracting from the game and he had to retire the character.
He still shows up from time to time in my games, whenever I need a truly maddening character.

[The Prince of Cats]

Yay improvised weapons...

As improvised weapons go, you would be hard pressed to beat a deity. I suppose that potato was pobably an avatar, rather than the real thing, but there is something crazy about the whole affair...

[ExHunterEmerald]

Our war-cleric had SUCH a sending off a few games back.
We're all being held in a maze while the thugs that caught us bet on our demise over us. Each time someone is brought in, they're bound, unarmed, and irritated. (Mostly because the other PCs kick them in the stomach for no reason. Ahem.)
Anyways, we've gotten some gear back and we hear a halfling trying to teach a troll to read through a door. "GROGG WANT PLAY!"
We burst in (actually, the Goliath barbarian annihilates the door and we charge through.) and begin fighting--I'm a kineticist, so I'm launching fire missiles at the two of them. The cleric douses his weapon in oil and it does fire for a round, and so on.
In the room are some bundles of our captured gear and another captive, our new PC to replace One-Eyed Stump, our old barbarian who got liquified in a pool of acid. So the gnome sorcerer goes to free him (Erik the Awesome, a paladin) while we're making with the toasty.
I hit them with an energy missile(fire) and they both make saves--the troll makes it...and the halfling nat. 1s. The DM rules that he failed so hard he took double damage and lit on fire.
Meanwhile the troll has hit and rends the goliath. His arm is nearly torn off--and on his turn, he nat. 1s his attack. The DM usually rules you hit yourself on a one--only this time, because he was hit with the rend, he flails and his arm flies off.
Meanwhile the cleric inadverdantly nat-1'd and set himself aflame oiling his blade, so both he and his sword are on fire. He's not gonna survive. So he makes a grapple check and strength check, and he throws the halfling into the troll.
The halfling is nearly dead at this point, and so he shatters on impact. The troll is PISSED.
Meanwhile the paladin is untied and needs a weapon. What does he do?
He doesn't go for his equipment.
He doesn't go for the barbarian's axe.
He picks up the goliath's arm and SETS IT ON FIRE.
Now the troll, stabbed, chopped, burnning, and being bludgeoned with an arm, attacks and rends the cleric, and tears him apart.
A few rounds later he tries to escape by smashing through a wall and running (and crying), but he's brought down the round before he would have escaped.
And now the paladin uses the severed limb to smash a bookcase.

And that's the story of the molotov halfling.

[Assassinfox]

I think your party likes fire a wee bit too much.

[ExHunterEmerald]

I think your party likes fire a wee bit too much.

Well, it WAS a troll.
And the DM's told me we've managed to burn the building down. (The equipment area we'd just returned to was connected to the maze but separate)

[LotharBot]

I think your story demonstrates very clearly why I don't play with fumble rules.

[NullAshton]

Matrix RPG I tried GMing...

One PC named their character Ray Den.

[Lapak]

I think your story demonstrates very clearly why I don't play with fumble rules.

See, all I need to do to convince new players they don't want to play with critical fumbles is to show them this.

(Only one of several amusing painful lessons that can be found at http://www.hoodyhoo.com/kodt.htm)

[pestilenceawaits]

I had a halfling thief named Cardigan who wasn't paying attention to what was going on when another PC yelled at him hey "sweater boy" the name stuck after several minutes of laughing. I also named future characters related to him Paisley, Argyle and Kashmir.