Unwritten Laws of D&D Gaming

[Muz]

In a fit of mental wandering, I was siezed with the idea that, over the course of many sessions of gaming (D&D specifically in this case), there appear to be certain unwritten laws by which the multiverse is ordered. In the interest of distraction and humor, I invite you to share what you've learned.
I'll get the ball rolling with Muz's 12 Laws of D&D Gaming:

1) Unless you're actually IN a fishing village, any humanoid NPC found fishing is 99% likely to be something else in disguise, and 8 times out of 10 it will be a dragon.

2) Nothing is ever THAT easy. Even if you've only been tasked with delivering a freshly baked pie to a man across town, either the streets and alleys will be infested with bandits and/or mindflayers with a craving for blueberries, or the man's house will be quarantined due to recent kingly edict.

3) The clever little piece of non-magical equipment (e.g. caltrops) that you bought at the start of your adventure will, 9 times out of 10, lay forgotten at the bottom of your pack until the point in which it could have been utilized has passed.

4) Even if the pit fiend appears to be completely powerless, it's really never a good idea to burn his personal library out of spite. (aka "Myrddin's Law")

5) You will, at some point, have to pull that lever.

6) There is no such thing as an inconsequential twin sibling.

7) The statue is never just a statue. (aka "Denise's Law") Denise's Law addendum: If the statue IS just a statue, it is only to lull you into a false sense of security for the NEXT statue-like thing that will be attacking you.

8) No matter how well the DM plans out a major encounter, the PCs will invariably think of something you did not that will render 75% of the DM's planning moot. (aka "Law of DM's Lament" or "Law of Improvising," depending on the attitude of the DM at the time)

9) Helpful and friendly NPCs almost NEVER wander into your campsite in the middle of the night. If such a thing happens, don't take your eyes off them for a SECOND. (aka "Fiera's Law")

10) If the PCs ever come across another group's campsite in the middle of the night, there will be a disproportionately good chance that said group is extremely friendly and helpful, even if you should be trekking through the 9th layer of the Abyss.

11) There is nothing to be feared more than a smooth, empty dungeon hallway. ...With the possible exception of an enormous pile of gems that appears to be snoring.

12) SOMEone prepares explosive runes EVERY morning.

[BlueWizard]

An amusing list.

[Sir_Ophiuchus]

13) The wizard has the exact spell for this situation - and he'll cast it tomorrow.

[storybookknight]

14) The older an NPC appears to be, the more powerful. Even if he is sitting on his front porch playing his banjo and smoking a pipe, he's secretly a retired paladin, high-level monk, or a dragon.

[Telonius]

7) The statue is never just a statue. (aka "Denise's Law") Denise's Law addendum: If the statue IS just a statue, it is only to lull you into a false sense of security for the NEXT statue-like thing that will be attacking you.

Our Warforged Barbarian has developed a phobia of statues for just this reason. Every time we encounter a statue in a dungeon, he attacks it before it can attack him.

[prufock]

I've broken at least half those laws in my campaigns. Toss in a random commoner who takes an active interest in the exploits of the PCs and the players get all paranoid!

[Muz]

I've broken at least half those laws in my campaigns. Toss in a random commoner who takes an active interest in the exploits of the PCs and the players get all paranoid!

Well sure, laws are meant to be broken, but that doesn't mean we can't be amused by them.

[kellandros]

14) The older an NPC appears to be, the more powerful. Even if he is sitting on his front porch playing his banjo and smoking a pipe, he's secretly a retired paladin, high-level monk, or a dragon.

So what do retired dragons do? Hang around all day talking about the hoards their children have collected, and reminising on old battles? What does an old dragon's home look like?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Daneel the Sane]

Yeah, here are a few from me

15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")

16) Any nation, no matter how militarily powerful, will have large groups of orcs and/or hobgoblins roaming throughout it on semi-regular basis. This is the Law of Spontaneous Humanoids.

17) Dragons always start terrorizing the countryside about a week before the arrival of the PCs.

18) The most powerful weapon to be used against a beholder is a blanket. Give the blanket to whoever has the best grapple rolls, and cover the beholder with it! As a corrolary to this law, swords go through blankets quite nicely, thank you so much. (This is also called "Lyric's Law of Desperation")

19) Elves with spiky hair and nasty facial scars always require an immediate Detect Evil spell or effect. (The "Law of Mitigating Surprise Sneak Attacks")

[Rolaran]

20) Every city, town, or village has at least one building where alcoholic beverages are served, commonly called a "tavern". These "taverns" exude an extremely strong pull on any adventurers not currently affiliated with a group, and these adventurers randomly coalesce into groups in what appears to be a bizarre macromolecular chemical reaction, possibly triggered by said alcoholic beverages. This is known as the "ethanolic group synthesis law" or more colloquially, as the "Everybody meets in a tavern" rule.

[Shhalahr Windrider]

15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")

Now and then, I encourage it.

DM (me): You come up to a village...
Player 1: Ooh! What's it called?
DM: What?
Player 2: What's the village's name?
DM: Hm? Oh, yeah. That. Uh... good question. What do you want to call it?

I call this sort of conversation "Collaborative World Building."

[Behold_the_Void]

21) If something in the PC's path is flammable, it will burn. If it is not flammable, they will find a way to make it burn.

[Woot Spitum]

20b) These taverns are the centers of economics, culture, politics, and religion in any given world. Thus, they are the only places you ever need to visit in any given settlement.

[storybookknight]

22) At some point, someone will give you an item, to be taken to another locale, where it will be either destroyed or exchanged for a different item. The first "item" may in fact simply be a quest, and this may repeat as many times as is necessary. (The Law of FetchQuests.)

[Dark_Wind]

23) If you come to a town that you've never been to before, chances are that the town is or will soon be the site of serious problem or another, and that the local authorities will be entirely unable to manage whatever this happens to be.

Corrollary: if you've been to the town before, then the chances are somewhat lessened, unless one or more PCs has an emotional attachment to the town.

[Shhalahr Windrider]

20) Every city, town, or village has at least one building where alcoholic beverages are served, commonly called a "tavern". These "taverns" exude an extremely strong pull on any adventurers not currently affiliated with a group, and these adventurers randomly coalesce into groups in what appears to be a bizarre macromolecular chemical reaction, possibly triggered by said alcoholic beverages. This is known as the "ethanolic group synthesis law" or more colloquially, as the "Everybody meets in a tavern" rule.

One of these days, I'm gonna make a character who is a teetotaler and see what my DM thinks of that.

[Jannex]

One of these days, I'm gonna make a character who is a teetotaler and see what my DM thinks of that.

Whenever the PC party in my current game goes to the tavern (we're in a dwarven town, so the tavern really is the center of commerce and culture), the crazy half-elf chick always orders apple juice. My minotaur has recently picked up the habit as well. Then again, the Drunken Master elf makes up for us.

[Khantalas]

24) The Law of Racial Inequality in Crafts of Ferro Chrome : The blacksmith is either a dwarf or a human. Elves, gnomes, orcs, even races that have no other contact with humans or dwarves have one dwarf or human blacksmith.

[martyboy74]

25) All corpses are just zombies/mummies/ghouls/etc. waiting for you to enter the room. They must be destroyed.

[Woot Spitum]

26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

[Crazy_Uncle_Doug]

27) Johann's Law: Every perfectly "innocent" barfight, whether instigated by a PC or an NPC, will invariably turn fatal.

[storybookknight]

26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

26b) Unless it's something really fancy and aristocratic, or incredibly magical. Then, the elves win.

[Gungnir]

27) When in doubt as to whether an NPC has any plot importance, ask his name. If the DM stutters, or takes a moment to think, leave or kill him, depending on your alignment on the good/evil axis.

[Jannex]

26b) Unless it's something really fancy and aristocratic, or incredibly magical. Then, the elves win.

26c) Or if it's something quirky and somewhat anachronistic. Then, gnomes are the clear masters.

[storybookknight]

26c) Or if it's something quirky and somewhat anachronistic. Then, gnomes are the clear masters.

26d) While not actually related to the mastery of a craft per se, if it was made by an orc or someone of orcish descent, it is not only of shoddy manufacture but also smells badly.

[Person_Man]

27) Attractive women that you find imprisoned will always betray you, most likely by being a succubus, and should be killed immediately.

28) Anything with a detailed description is central to the progression of plot.

[Khantalas]

26d) While not actually related to the mastery of a craft per se, if it was made by an orc or someone of orcish descent, it is not only of shoddy manufacture but also smells badly.

26e) Anything related to culinary is made by halflings in its finest. Dwarves, elves and gnomes can't match their talent at crafting objects to sate their appetite.

By the way, we have three 27's already.

[Jayabalard]

26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

"Welcome to all things Scottish Dwarvish... if it's not Dwarvish IT'S CRAAAAPP!! Can I help ye?"

Yeah, here are a few from me

15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")

Shouldn't that be "Hidden Light Valley Ranch"? Almost as irritating, and a little more clever.

[Dark_Wind]

31) If you pee on it, something bad is going to happen. Always.

[Innis Cabal]

32) No matter what direction the DM is taking the game, the PC's will ignore it until they are good and ready
33) There is a 1 in 4 chance that one of your male players will want to play a female seductess. There is a 3 in 4 chance that he will hit on one of your other players and there is a 4 in 4 chance that the rest of the party will be very uncomfortable