Useless, Inappropriate and Amusing Equipment

[Kid Jake]

I'm putting together a Paranoia game involving a tense mystery (who keeps stealing spoons?) and keeping with the spirit of Alpha Complex I'm determined to mostly issue them equipment that either does nothing or actively makes their lives harder but that they're still expected to make the most out of to keep from offending The Infinitely Wise And Benevolent, And Definitely Not Crazy, Friend Computer. So far I'm kicking around:

Team Leader/Equipment Guy: Outside of some experimental R&D tech I cant really think of anything to throw at this guy.

Hygiene/Happiness Officer: 2,000 assorted con-doms(This being AC nobody knows what they're for), 2 brillo pads, a spray bottle of bleach, lots of pills without any labels, laugh track.

Loyalty/Communications and Recording Officer: 6ft boom mic which The Computer expects to be regularly employed even especially during battle, a copy of the popular stand up routine 'You Might Be A Communist*', 20lbs of explosives...no obvious detonator.



Anybody else have ideas for other useless/dangerous crap to burden them with?



*"If you've ever spread sedition in order to undermine the safety and stability of Alpha Complex so that your friends and neighbors can be butchered in their sleep by horrible mutant cannibals...you might be a communist!"
"If you have suspicions that you might possibly have encountered a commie mutant spy and you don't inform The Computer...you might be a communist!"
"If you don't laugh and buy a copy of this album in the lobby...you might be a communist!"

[Maglubiyet]

• A large hourglass. "Backup" for timekeeping. Made of glass, not plexiglass.
• Emergency flares with instructions to use to signal danger. Except that they're the kind used for boating that launch into the sky. Inside Alpha Complex.
• A floodlight on a wheeled stand to be used to enhance video taken. To be used in conjunction with the microphone boom.
• Old white-gas camping stove with corroded pressure valve O-ring, a pack of matches, and no instructions.

[Kid Jake]

I particularly like the idea of building up the flare as 'FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY' and then in their time of need just having it bounce off the ceiling and either land at their feet or put an eye out.

[Zyzzyva]

I gave my team a "communist distractor" once: when turned on, all giant mutant cockroaches communists in a 50m radius stop what they're doing and rush the device. In principle, it'd be incredibly useful if you're already fighting giant mutant cockroaches; in practice, a box that makes communists burst from the walls and start coming towards you you freaks the players out so much they never turned it on again.

[Lacco]

How aboooout... the OmniSpoon Detector? Point at any item and if it is a spoon, it goes "ping".

For the team leader:
TeamSpirit Mood Ring. It changes colour according to mood in team. If communistic thoughts are present, it changes to (pick your own) colour. It's a standard mood ring, reacting on temperature.

AlphaComplex Mapper Tool (paper and pen, the pen is empty).
Since he is the equipment guy, also issue him the standard IX-49GZZöQ-1 form for each piece of equipment. And Maintenance Bot ("This piece of equipment is faulty. Please, provide spare parts for repair. If no spare parts are present, you must be a communist traitor and shall be eliminated!")

For hygiene officer:
One spare sock (used).
Ultrasonic toothbrush (one use, and you never have to worry about teeth).
Personal flamethrower (used on the person who is wearing it... completely disinfects... highly hygienic).
Completely similar bottles, one with 1l of lavender-scented detergent, one with lemon-scented highly abrasive lubricant (don't ask me) and one with 1l of peppermint-scented highly aggressive acid (which one of them knows how lavender, orange & peppermint smell? Don't forget, only communist traitors can recognize lavender, orange and peppermint!).

For loyalty officer:
LoyaltyEnhancer 2500 (tube working as projector for PPT presentation, laser pointer, beverage dispenser, cattle prod, acid spray and buzzsaw in one piece of equipment - of course they are not labelled except for one button labelled "do not press...again" in shaky handwriting - that button plays the presentation about Computer).

If you like these, I can provide more later.

[Flickerdart]

A small box labelled "push button when in need" that deploys an inflatable "party member", who mostly takes up space and gets tangled with the PCs as they try to escape.

[Kid Jake]

I gave my team a "communist distractor" once: when turned on, all giant mutant cockroaches communists in a 50m radius stop what they're doing and rush the device. In principle, it'd be incredibly useful if you're already fighting giant mutant cockroaches; in practice, a box that makes communists burst from the walls and start coming towards you you freaks the players out so much they never turned it on again.

I'd considered giving the Loyalty Officer a Communist Detector that would ping on everything it was aimed at; but I think I much prefer a device that buries them in mutant cockroaches.

TeamSpirit Mood Ring. It changes colour according to mood in team. If communistic thoughts are present, it changes to (pick your own) colour. It's a standard mood ring, reacting on temperature.

The funniest thing about this is that the second it changes color you're committing treason by wearing it without the proper clearance. Definitely something hilarious to spring on an unwitting troubleshooter.

A small box labelled "push button when in need" that deploys an inflatable "party member", who mostly takes up space and gets tangled with the PCs as they try to escape.

Inflatable Friend. Studies show that 61% of all missions fail due to lack of companionship.

[Cristo Meyers]

One thing that's always made it into our Paranoia one-shots was the SPLAT can. It's an aerosol can with a dial on the end. Turn the dial, push the end, and throw. Usually does something that would create the aforementioned SPLAT (fire extinguishing foam was a favorite) 'Course, the dial measures the Area of Effect, not the timer...

Last time we changed it up (repeat players) and made it the S.P.L.A.T. can - Suspiciously Precise Large Automatic Turret.

Those don't really fit the feel of the others here, though.

[nedz]

Team Leader/Equipment Guy: Experimental Team Leading Bot.

Annoying personality and it gives conflicting orders.

[Lord Raziere]

Team Leader/Equipment Guy: Experimental Team Leading Bot.

Annoying personality and it gives conflicting orders.

and it looks and sounds like Claptrap, and it randomly yells "Hey! LISTEN!" in an incredibly high pitched voice whenever it sees something shiny.

Digital Monocle:
It is supposed to analyze threats and tell the Troubleshooter how great a threat to Alpha Complex it is. But all it does is display "Communist Threat Level 9001" at whatever its pointed at and declare "Shoot it now!"

Mutant Vision Goggles:
It "allows the Troubleshooter to see a mutants true form" in reality its just Virtual Reality goggles that digitally overlays randomly selected people you see with the forms of monsters.

Edit:
The Ultimate Gun:
It looks like the greatest gun ever and Friend Computer instructs you to use it however you like. When you press the trigger however, it blows up and kills the wielder, with a little recorder being all thats left, saying: "only commie mutant traitors would be so greedy as to use an ultimate gun! and gullible enough to fall for it."

[Cristo Meyers]

and it looks and sounds like Claptrap, and it randomly yells "Hey! LISTEN!" in an incredibly high pitched voice whenever it sees something shiny.

That one is so going in my Paranoia one-shot file...

[Anonymouswizard]

A set of VR glasses which filter out everything with an appearance above your own. Permanently stuck on infrared clearance.

A battery-powered soldering iron, sans handle and off switch.

A locked safe, or in other words a cardboard box with one padlock on it.

20 tonnes of thousand year old strawberry frosting. The Friend Computer insists it is of vital importance and must be carried around at all times.

One book, approximately A4 sized, slightly battered, with the word 'Paranoia' just visible on the outside. The Team Leader is informed that there will be a test on the material when the mission is over.

An extremely fragile vial of smallpox.

One red wine gum. Over the course of the adventure mould begins to grow on it.

[Sith_Happens]

The funniest thing about this is that the second it changes color you're committing treason by wearing it without the proper clearance. Definitely something hilarious to spring on an unwitting troubleshooter.

I was just about to say this. And while you're at it, give them lots and lots of potentially-useful information-gathering devices that use color-coded lights to convey their findings.

On a different note, don't forget to provide an experimental "traitor-killer" guided micro-rocket that, when activated, uses an advanced data-mining algorithm to determine the identity of the nearest traitor, which it then seeks out and kills.

Spoiler: The Algorithm

Show

It's designed to explode immediately upon the safety being disengaged, because obviously any traitor among the troubleshooters is going to volunteer to hang onto it so it doesn't get used against them.

[Grim Portent]

A magic 8 ball with the normal answers replaced with things like, 'hit it with a wrench,' 'blame it on someone else,' 'make sure to hide the bodies.'

[Dire Moose]

A rubber ducky. That is, a perfectly ordinary rubber ducky with no special properties.

[Zyzzyva]

A rubber ducky. That is, a perfectly ordinary rubber ducky with no special properties.

That rubber duckie is WAAAAAAY beyond your clearance, citizen.

[Sith_Happens]

[Wild best idea ever appears!]

A modest-sized box filled with several thousand pH test strips.

[Drakeburn]

Throwing out a few things that come my mind......

Spoiler: Warning: List of Random Junk

Show

- A Pacifier

- Measuring Tape

- A Sock Puppet

- A Laser Pointer?

- A Handheld Game System (without any game cartridges)

- Headphones

- Stop Sign

- A bottle of cologne (or perfume)

- A Spray Can of Paint (alternatively it can be empty)

- A Teddy Bear

- An Accordion

- Fortunes (without the Fortune Cookies) [ Example Fortunes: "You're not gonna make it." "Have a nice day." "Through Suffering Comes Wisdom" ]

[goto124]

That rubber duckie is WAAAAAAY beyond your clearance, citizen.

Some of these items could become props IRL. Especially the rubber ducky.

[Lacco]

20 tonnes of thousand year old strawberry frosting. The Friend Computer insists it is of vital importance and must be carried around at all times.

One book, approximately A4 sized, slightly battered, with the word 'Paranoia' just visible on the outside. The Team Leader is informed that there will be a test on the material when the mission is over.

Well, the best would be 20 tonnes of strawberry frosting and a candle. I bet no one will ask about the frosting...

As for the book... don't forget that the information inside is far beyond their clearance!

Other ideas:
An old mp3 player with only one song, stuck on repeat and with battery that will last a lifetime. Mandatory equipment for the loyalty guy/team leader (pick one). Has to be worn. Provide a real old mp3 player and hand it to the player.
I recommend (sorted by cruelty rating) :

• D. Hasselholf - Hooked on a feeling
• Keep young and beautiful (or pick anything else from Fallout 3 radios - there were several good songs)
• CCCP hymn (if he recognizes it, listens for longer than five seconds or starts humming, he is obviously a traitor!)
• Gummi bear song; Axel F (for extra cruelty make it the Crazy Frog version)
• WARNING! Approaching extreme cruelty zone!
• Rebecca Black - Friday
• Justin Bieber - Baby
• Celine Dion - My heart will go on

Fully functional and equipped ServeBot with audio receiver problems (PC: "ServeBot! Protect the group!" SB:"CoMManD noT reCoGnizeD. DId yoU sAy: PerTrAcT tHe FooT? ProTracT my SoUp? PrE-hEaT the GrOOve?").

Oh...if you give them a list of these items (only by name) to pick from, please, include "The AXE" - either give them the body spray or a rock guitar (of course, no strings attached!).

For team leader - AttentionGrenade! - "This useful tool for each team leader comes with a timer, which LOUDLY counts down - perfect for organizing meetings! Need all eyes on you? Just turn the dial to number you want it to count down and it will start the countdown. After 3 seconds it starts flashing brighlty! You are guaranteed you get all attention! Order now and you get this InstaSilence flashbang!". Of course, the countdown can not be stopped, sometimes the countdown starts on its own and the detonator (well, did you expect to be harmless?) makes it explode in random times (so, no planned detonations).

For Loyalty officer - the LeashLash system. Each troubleshooter gets one collar, the loyalty officer gets also the LeashLash loyalty enforcing microphone on his own collar. It is voice operated. You say code phrase (provide list of code phrases with numbers... e.g. Iopwaqerblosq = small shock on collar 3-O023312, Iopwaqerblosc = head-exploding shock on collar 3-0O23312. guess who wears which, since the collars are not numbered...).

Plastic dagger. Of course, the "plastic" is C4. Voice-operated micro-detonator included (but not written on equipment list). Command word? Weeeeell... what about "danger" or "fight" or "go"?.

Picture of your Best Pal - Computer! Do not lose it (it starts to melt if exposed to oxygen in 2 hours).

I.O.U. -a simple small white envelope, including a paper with "Remember: I own you. It's for your own security. Signed: Your best pal - Computer". Does a retina scan on the person, burns itself and ever since then, all cameras will be watching the person, the Leds in his body start to flash, strange voice in his head will sometimes chime in... nothing really happens, but the paranoia...

A live duck, 10 cans of cat food and instruction to keep it alive (written in poor english for lizards).

Sleeping pills (sorry, that's a typo on the flask - they are "slipping pills" - when you take them, your body starts producing a lubricant from all its pores. Good luck staying in one place).

Emergency Whistle - a little too high pitch for the human ears. The dogs love it though.

Emergency survival box - contains 20 years old biscuits (not properly packaged and hard as rock), sentient can of lunch meat, dull spork, one piece of toilet paper, salivation pill, cyanide pill and a cravat (purple).

[Storm_Of_Snow]

Some vitally important documents that the team must read and act on once they get somewhere (instructions to defuse a bomb or something), and all cleared to their security clearance.

Give them a sheet of red paper - if you print something on it in red ink the exact same shade as the paper, even better.

[Anonymouswizard]

Some vitally important documents that the team must read and act on once they get somewhere (instructions to defuse a bomb or something), and all cleared to their security clearance.

Give them a sheet of red paper - if you print something on it in red ink the exact same shade as the paper, even better.

A UV light is above their clearance?

A red spray can, filled with blue spray paint.

An X-ray machine. They can get the infrared clearance materials, but the output is above their clearance.

To go along with their handheld game system, a copy of ET on Atari 2600.

A high programmer's puppy. It must come back from it's walk unharmed.

[Segev]

Field commissions on colored paper. Best hope they raise your security level high enough to read them.

Official, colorful badges. They give you the authority to kill anybody to whom you show them: the colors are above the clearance of anybody except Ultraviolet. It is not recommended you look at your own badge, or those of your compatriots.

For the loyalty officer: a set of "clearance-appropriate redactive glasses" for the whole party. They ensure loyalty by preventing you from seeing colors above your clearance. Unfortunately, half of them are set for infrared, and thus are wholly opaque black lenses.

A tandem bicycle with enough seats for everyone. The basket on the front counts as a seat.

[Anonymouswizard]

For the loyalty officer: a set of "clearance-appropriate redactive glasses" for the whole party. They ensure loyalty by preventing you from seeing colors above your clearance. Unfortunately, half of them are set for infrared, and thus are wholly opaque black lenses.

Already suggested it

A tandem bicycle with enough seats for everyone. The basket on the front counts as a seat.

Goody goody yum yum.

[Milodiah]

Remember, in Paranoia all explosive devices should have a blast radius larger than its maximum range.


-A radio set to call for backup. There are no instructions, and it is extremely technical and difficult to operate. If and when someone figures it out, the dispatcher listens to them, informs them that another unit will be dispatched at once, and hangs up. Then calls them back almost immediately and orders them to search for a Troubleshooter unit calling for backup at their current coordinates.

-An infiltration uniform that changes colors as they enter different security-clearance zones. It is always one color lower than it needs to be. If used in Infrared areas it flashes red and yellow text that reads "I am a communist!"

-Smoke grenades with improperly designed gas release nozzles. When the pin is pulled they immediately shoot out of the user's hands like an unknotted balloon, flying off in random directions trailing crazy kaleidoscopic smoke.

- A dart gun loaded with what are allegedly all powerful tranquilizer darts. The first round is a localized anesthetic. The second is a potent hallucinogenic. The third is a strong stimulant. The fourth is bath salts. The fifth is the self-destruct round.

-A rope ladder made of heavy-duty, impossibly-elastic rubber.

-A magnet tied to a string tied to a lampshade. The quartermaster insists it's very important.

[Zyzzyva]

Remember, in Paranoia all explosive devices should have a blast radius larger than its maximum range.

FTFY.

[Lord Raziere]

A bunch of Alternian troll cosplay equipment. Friend Computer insists that its useful for disguises.

a robot cat. its useful for detecting many things and even has great weapons to defend you with! unfortunately it behaves exactly like a cat.

bomb dog: its an incredibly loyal bomb dog! it plays fetch better than any dog, and will always retrieve the bone and come back just in time to blow up in your face.

[Cealocanth]

A list of random, useless objects? Count me in!

An automatic irrigation timer complete with hose adapter.
A large crate containing seven empty cans of silly string.
20 and a half poorly folded paper cranes.
A small clay urn labeled 'Grandpa's Ashes.' Empty.
A coffee stained TSA report.
A doctor's note for delusional parasitosis.
A small, well crafted soapstone statue depicting a sea lion.
An empty gift card to someplace called 'Kenny's Korral of Knick-Knacks'.
About 4" of copper wire.

Edit: More random things!

A deck of cards containing nothing except for Kings of Hearts. Labeled in crayon: "the suicide deck"
A single blood-splattered black Joker card.
A frayed bowstring, violin not included.
A small pocket Bible with a bullet hole in it.
The hilt of a Bowie knife.
A crate containing rotting fruit halves.
The lid to an aluminum canteen.
A cinderblock with a small length of chain welded on.
An amputated gout victim's left foot.
A pair of unused baby shoes.
A big-screen television made in 1983, broken.
A boxed edition of Bob Marley's greatest hits.
A mint condition copy of Action Comics #176
A stone slab with the words "I'm sorry" scrawled in blood.
A sopping wet diary of a Vietnam War veteran, most of the pages are missing.
A piece of a live sea sponge, in a tank.
25 oz of sea shells
$400,000, Confederate currency.
A stale bottle of open cooking wine, made in (insert campaign year).
A frayed shoelace.
4 square inches of spandex.
A cloudy glass orb.
A barely alive posy in a small pot.
Six open cans of dog food.
A pristine ammonite fossil.
A paintbrush labeled with the initials T.C.
A leather-bound cover of an 1890 Physics textbook.
A jar containing multicolored fish-tank rocks.
A fifth place compensation prize trophy for a t-ball tournament.
A tiny, bloodstained cubic-zirconium ring.
A pineapple with several human bite marks taken out of it, from the spiny outside.
A counterfeit $3 bill.
The handle to a sledgehammer, head not included.
A rusty 6" railroad spike.
A beautifully carved Brazilian rubber tap.
A used band-aid.
A very old WWI hardtack biscuit.
A paper plate covered in superglue and glitter.
The left heel of a pair of glass slippers.
A picnic basket, empty.
The windshield wipers of an unknown vehicle.
About 15 lbs of potting soil.
A literal bottom of a barrel, with scratch marks on the inside face.

[Storm_Of_Snow]

Remember, in Paranoia all explosive devices everything should have a blast radius larger than its maximum range.

FTFY.

Fixed the fix for you.

[Wraith]

Every Alpha-Complex investigation team needs a man-portable Grüning-Houser machine.

"What is a Grüning-Houser machine?"
"Oh, y'know... the standard variety."
"What does it do/look like?"
"Pretty much as you'd expect. It's a perfectly normal one, if a little battered."
"Well, how does it work?"
"The same way as all the others."

Repeat for as long as you find it amusing, and when you get bored, have it explode and kill whoever is carrying it.