Things Arcetypes never say

[Thoughtbot360]

Top Five things a wizard will never say:

5) Man, the fighter is just so much more powerful than me....
4) Ooh! The enemy's spellbook! This'll make excellent toilet paper!
3) So what if I lost the only copy of my spell book? Its not the end of the world.
2) Oh no! There's so many! And look at those gigantic, WOODEN siege engines! And they are so close together, marching in formation with perfect military discipline! How can I fight such large, tightly-packed groups of 1 HD creatures armed with melee weapons? Its hopeless! Someone help me!
1) I don't believe in magic.


Top Five things a Druid will never say:

5) Get out of the way of them thar' bulldozers, you tree-hugging hippy!
4) By the gods, I hate nature! Why'd you have to drag me along for on this camping trip?
3) Man, I'm never leaving the city, for anything! ANYTHING! Well, maybe to set a Treant on fire, but other than that, NOT ANYTHING!
2) Mmm! Unicorn-kabobs! With the meat skewered with its own horn.
1) Who needs the Natural spell feat?


Top Five things a Cleric will never say:

5) *cries* Lord Neruuuuull, you shouldn't drain the life force from the cute little paladin halflings!
4) What the hell am I going to do with a wand of cure critical wounds?
3) *slaps his holy symbol* What's my name, bitch?!
2) Gods are just made up to delude the stupid masses.
1) *singing while answering nature's call* OOOOOOOhhh-I'm ur-rin-nat-ting in the holy wa-ter, and also on the altar with the sac-cri-fice

Top Five things an "old man in the tavern" will never say

5) What? This is the only seat open in the entire tavern. Are you going to make an old man like me stand?
4) I need you to pretend to be a singing ballad group. I forgot to get my wife an aniversery present!
3) So, how are you, good-lookin'?
2) Gentlemen, I'm from the Save the Orcs foundation, and I'm here with a Restraining Order. If you are caught within 400 feet of any Orc, Kobold, or Goblinoid, the penalties will be servere.
1) What? I don't have any job for you, Jimmy. Wait, you're not Jimmy! Oh, dear, my senality must be acting up again. (No offense to the elderly, but seriously, don't you find it funny that none of these "old men in the tavern" have ever said this?)

[Turcano]

1) What? I don't have any job for you, Jimmy. Wait, you're not Jimmy! Oh, dear, my senality must be acting up again. (No offense to the elderly, but seriously, don't you find it funny that none of these "old men in the tavern" have ever said this?)

I'm pretty sure they will now.

[Darkxarth]

Top Five things a Rogue will never say:

5) What? Sneak in and steal their stuff? No! I insist we honorably challenge them to single combat!
4) No! Go away! I don't need you to flank my enemies for me!
3) Wow Paladin, you are totally right.
2) No, no. No matter how many times you try and give me a double share I insist that we split the treasure equally.
1) Ah. This dragon's horde will be the perfect way to finance that orphanage I've always wanted to build.


Top Five things a Barbarian will never say:

5) Sure, sure the greataxe is nice, but I really prefer a good melee shuriken.
4) Constitution? Strength? Nope, my highest ability is Charisma.
3) My anger management classes are going very well. I've learned to deal with my problems like an adult.
2) Of course I can read and write.
1) Can't we settle this without violence?


Top Five things a Fighter will never say:

5) I put all of my skill points into Heal.
4) Huh? I don't even know what 'meatshield' means...
3) I totally should've been a Bard.
2) Meh, feats are overrated.
1) Yeah, I could totally take our Wizard. We're both level 15, I'd wipe the floor with him.

[The Glyphstone]

1) What? I don't have any job for you, Jimmy. Wait, you're not Jimmy! Oh, dear, my senality must be acting up again. (No offense to the elderly, but seriously, don't you find it funny that none of these "old men in the tavern" have ever said this?)

Senility? Haven't you noticed that people get smarter, wiser, and MORE perceptive, not less, when they age?

[F.L.]

2) Gods are just made up to delude the stupid masses.

Ur Priest would say it, I think.

[Frosty Flake]

1) Ah. This dragon's horde will be the perfect way to finance that orphanage I've always wanted to build.

That was my old rogue character, actually! Murdering cutpurse with a heart of slightly tarnished silver.

[Shhalahr Windrider]

Ur Priest would say it, I think.

But Ur-Priests with levels of Cleric, though they may have a certain flavorful charm, suck. They lose all their cleric abilities, and unlike an ex-paladin blackguard, get no suitable compensation. At least ex-paladin levels are "figher levels without the feats". Ex-Cleric levels aren't even that good.

So, yeah. That's still something a Cleric wouldn't say.

[Telonius]

Top Five things a Rogue will never say:


1) Ah. This dragon's horde will be the perfect way to finance that orphanage I've always wanted to build.

Actually my Rogue has said something like this. Charities are tax shelters in my gaming world.

[The_Werebear]

Bards

5) What, my music is annoying you? Ok, I'll stop.
4) I refuse to be the distraction here!
3) Nah, you can be the face. I didn't pump my Charisma too high.
2) But messing with people's minds isn't nice
1) Man, I totally just owned all of you.

[Telonius]

BBEG's
(Note that some of these may be said in order to lull the PCs into a false sense of security. They will never be said in earnest).

5) You know, I've never seen it that way. I will mend my nefarious ways.
4) Instead of letting you progress to a point where you might be a serious threat to me, I will kill you now.
3) Say, that "end of the world" plan of mine really does sound overly complex and easily defeatable. I'll try to simplify it.
2) I'm sorry, did you drop your sword? No, go ahead, pick it up.
1) Surrender? Uh, okay.

[Knight_Of_Twilight]

Top five things Orc Bandits encountered on the first adventure will never say
1) Top of the morning to ya!
2) Care to Buy something?
3) Look, I know what you're thinking, but violence isn't the answer. Have you let Pelor into your life?
4) I say old chap, that looks like a rag-tag group of adventuring misfits up ahead!
5) Thank goodness! Good adventurers, will you help us save our town from a maruding band of Gnomes!?

[Cocktail Umbrellas]

Top 5 not-sayings of the necromancer

5. Yeah, we should just cremate all these fresh corpses- respect for the dead and all.
4. I’m so glad I dropped illusion and enchantment magic! Who needs ‘em.
3. My job makes me smell pretty
2. Nah, I never bothered to learn Enervation, it doesn’t interest me.
1. I loathe the undead.

[Assassinfox]

2) Gods are just made up to delude the stupid masses.

That's something an Athar cleric would say.

[Narmoth]

Top five things Orc Bandits encountered on the first adventure will never say
1) Top of the morning to ya!
2) Care to Buy something?
3) Look, I know what you're thinking, but violence isn't the answer. Have you let Pelor into your life?
4) I say old chap, that looks like a rag-tag group of adventuring misfits up ahead!
5) Thank goodness! Good adventurers, will you help us save our town from a maruding band of Gnomes!?

Actually, if you don't play with absolute aligments, they could. I'll try it in my next campaign, just to see the faces of the players

1) What? I don't have any job for you, Jimmy. Wait, you're not Jimmy! Oh, dear, my senality must be acting up again. (No offense to the elderly, but seriously, don't you find it funny that none of these "old men in the tavern" have ever said this?)

Oh, I have Dm-ed such encounters. They are damn funny, especially if it's not some old man, but say the high priest or the king that don't remember.
Especially when giving a quest, then sending the group of in the wrong direction and forget to warn about the lishking and his army they have to overcome to collect some item of value that he has forgotten in fact is in his possesion allready.

Top Five things a Rogue will never say:

1) Ah. This dragon's horde will be the perfect way to finance that orphanage I've always wanted to build.

This would be a very good reason for a pally and a thief to travel together. The thief don't need to be selfish.

Top Five things a Barbarian will never say:

4) Constitution? Strength? Nope, my highest ability is Charisma.

well, he could SAY it, but then again, he would hardly have an understanding of such consepts

BBEG's

2) I'm sorry, did you drop your sword? No, go ahead, pick it up.

Actually, yes. A death knight (at least in 2nd ed) would. He would duell you honorably to your death.

Some more for bards:

5) No, I won't try to seduce the succubus! I'll rather fight her in melee like a true man!
4) No, I can't sing, you'll have to execute me.

[ocato]

Bards

5) What, my music is annoying you? Ok, I'll stop.
4) I refuse to be the distraction here!
3) Nah, you can be the face. I didn't pump my Charisma too high.
2) But messing with people's minds isn't nice
1) I am often considered the weakest member of a party because it is true.

All Fixed.

[Innis Cabal]

Commoners

1. I think i will take the day off
2. No mister adventuerer i don't need anything

[Narmoth]

A Dragon would (almost) never say:

1) Of course I have amassed my hoard for the benefit of the community, and now that there's this famine, I want you adventurers to take these piles of gold to town and buy grain for it.
2) I live to serve, human
3) Please hide me, magic is so scary

[Thoughtbot360]

5) Thank goodness! Good adventurers, will you help us save our town from a maruding band of Gnomes!?

What? A party made up of Gnome PCs? Holy hell-those are worst than all Elf parties! Yes, mr. Orc village elder, we'll be right over-and may the gods help us all!

[magicwalker]

A PC could always be the kind of rogue that steals for the sake of stealing, not for personal gain... 'You don't think that I could take the Prince's Amulet of Red Dragon Control from around his neck at the masquerade ball...' Get mad street cred. instead of money.

[Viscount Einstrauss]

King of Someplace, addressing the PC's-

5. "No, I just sent the adventurer invites out for laughs. April fools."
4. "Don't worry about it, I'll just have some guards rescue my daughter."
3. "Reward? I'm the damn king! I say it, you do it!"
2. "I'd like to hire you all on as my court jesters. Permanently."
1. "You are wanted for dozens of accounts of murdering various intelligent beasties in dungeons across the lands. Guards, seize them!"

[Winged One]

BBEG's
1) Surrender? Uh, okay.

I'm actually in a campaign where the BBEG offered to do that. The PC he did it to passed it up for a chance to listen to the standard "I think I'll reveal my entire plan so you can more easily find out exactly how to **** me over" speech, and we now have evidence that he was faking the offer anyway, but he did do it.

[Falconsflight]

5) Thank goodness! Good adventurers, will you help us save our town from a maruding band of Gnomes!?

Is it bad that this made me think of star trek?
The great Tribble War between Klingons and Tribbles!

Spoiler

Show

For those of you who don't know.
a tribble is a small creature that reproduces quickly, but it's more cute and fuzzy than a puppy and kitten combined. It has no arms or legs or mouth. It moves very slowly and and eats vegetarian food.
A klingon is like the barbarians. Big, rough, mean, and very strong proud people. Think of A Half-Orc without the -2 to int. Ugly but strong and not exactly that stupid.

[Rainspattered]

I once had a villain who surrendered, thereby defeating himself and saving the world from himself, so he became widely revered as its savior, while the party, as his foes, were openly persecuted around the world.
It was both a way to keep a party of munchkins from "winning" despite their best efforst to break D&D and a witty political satire all at once.

[brian c]

Top Five things a Rogue will never say:

5) What? Sneak in and steal their stuff? No! I insist we honorably challenge them to single combat!

Heh... the ever-so-common Rogue/Knight multiclass combo, made of 100% pure winconfusion

[Jade_Tarem]

Top five things, Paladin variant

5) What mount?
4) We could kill it for xp instead...
3) (To blaster wizard) That was awesome! Do it again!
2) Go ahead. Make my day.
1) Ok, but just this once...

[Mewtarthio]

Cleric of Pelor:

"I Gate in the Hecatoncheires. Yes, I know that creatures with more than twice my HD cannot be controlled."

[Demented]

Top five things a Gnome will never say:

Number 5!
"Explosives are not the answer here."
Number 4!
"We should approach this reasonably..."
Number 3!
"I'm sorry; I'll never do that again."
Number 2!
"Ogres are totally not my type either."
Number 1!
"I absolutely despise illusion magic."

[Roderick_BR]

The funny thing is that many of these things could be said, depending on the context. The wizard from the OP, for example:

5) Man, the fighter is just so much more powerful than me....
If he's a 1st level wizard, it can happen, although he usually wouldn't tell it out loud.

4) Ooh! The enemy's spellbook! This'll make excellent toilet paper!
If the wizard is now high level, and the enemy is low level, he could be mocking the enemy, claiming that his spellbook is useless.

3) So what if I lost the only copy of my spell book? Its not the end of the world.
Again, a wizard could be tranquil because he has spell mastery and enough copies of his book at his secret hideout.

2) Oh no! There's so many! And look at those gigantic, WOODEN siege engines! And they are so close together, marching in formation with perfect military discipline! How can I fight such large, tightly-packed groups of 1 HD creatures armed with melee weapons? Its hopeless! Someone help me!
Again, low level wizard without any spell left for the day.

1) I don't believe in magic.
Now, that you really wont hear any wizard say... unless he claims to be a scientist, and he uses science!

[Darkxarth]

The funny thing is that many of these things could be said, depending on the context. The wizard from the OP, for example:

Yes, yes, yes. They can all fall apart under close scrutiny or when applied to outside-the-norm scenarios. They're sweeping generalizations and stereotypes, if these were real groups of people these are the kinds of things that could get you sent to "sensitivity training." Just like making too many blonde jokes can get you into trouble around blondes, making wizard jokes around wizards is a poor move; though a blonde at the office isn't nearly as likely to shoot fire at you as a wizard is.

[A Gray Phantom]

Bards #1 quote they'd never say:

1) Man, I totally just owned all of you.

Man I hate you so much right now... Viva la bard!