The Depression Thread

[The Great Skenardo]

The Depression Thread
Given a mod-nod, I'm re-creating this thread because I think it has a lot to offer this community. so, welcome.

Perhaps you'd like someone to listen,
or maybe you need some advice.
Maybe your heart's feeling broken
Or maybe it's colder than ice.

We'll keep a light on
and we'll keep the door wide
Although there's a storm
or a blizzard outside.

We're here to support
when the world seems to crumble
when you can't seem to win
or to do naught but stumble

We'll keep a light on.

This is a thread for people with depression or people who are feeling depressed or even just down, and also for those who want to help.

[J_Muller]

My humble contribution to this thread consists of a link.

[Khantalas]

Right. Anyway...

I don't know where else to post this, and it isn't important enough to deserve its own thread, so I'll just make do with here.

I've been feeling insignificant lately. Like, I can contribute nothing, even to my own life. I can't study, I don't have any friends, I am terrible at social interactions (good thing is, I'm taking help about these three - we'll see how that works out), I am much worse than what I could be in college (and it's only my first year), I probably know only as much as any dedicated person with average intellect would after two hours on any given topic, I could care less about what happens around me if I tried, I spend hours on the web adding not even one thing at times, and besides my family, most of the people that feel important are miles away.

Now, I know I could be better. Everyone I know and their mother and their little dog knows that I could be better. I can be good at nearly anything I have ever attempted, apparently, since everyone says so, including complete strangers. And I am better, sometimes, when I care a bit more. But those moments are few and far between lately.

There are a few things that contribute to this, especially of late. One of them is, well, the fact that I am spoiled rotten. I am used to receiving attention, and lots of it. Not only from my family, but at school, too. I was, to be fair, the top student of my class in elementary and junior high. Far from the best - I can't remember studying for an exam once in elementary school, and only a few times in junior high. Yet I still had the best grades, and the teachers spoiled me for it. I barely missed the top 100 in high school entrance test (yes, we have those), and that was with only one month's of loose study. I got into one of the best high schools in the country (considered the best, but that's really not the truth), and I got a 5.00 average (on a maximum of 5.00) without serious study (except for second year literature, admittedly), and even then I was spoiled, although considerably less, while students far better than me were not spoiled as much.

Then two things struck me: internet and college.

On the web, I am a nobody. No one knows who I am, what I can do, what I can't do, what I know, what I like, etc.. They only know what I present them, what I write for them to read, what I can relay, to the best of my ability. And my best ability is not very good. I could be the most intelligent guy on Earth, and you couldn't know it, because you couldn't see it in my posts. I could be caring, sensitive, charming, funny, lots of good and positive stuff, but you would not see me so.

In college, it's even worse. They see more of me than you will probably ever do, but they don't see the good side, the side that I'd prefer people to see. Instructors only see the academic side, the failing side, while most other people don't even know me, even those I see every day.

That's one reason I can think of. The other is the fact that I can't handle emotions. And I'm way too emotional for such a person. I tend to get sad, angry, annoyed, etc., often, and when I am in such a mood, I can't confront it, and tend to flee whatever causes that emotion. This tends to make me ineffective in certain situations (the rest are usually covered by my academic inadequacy), and a poor member of whatever community I'm in.

There are certainly other reasons I can't think of right now. I have been deluding myself that I was going to get better. But the last month clearly showed me that I haven't been getting any better. In fact, I have been getting worse.

Something that comes to mind is my time in here. I have been a regular member of GitP for about five months now. And I have been posting relatively quite a lot in that time. But when I think about those four months and numerous posts, not a single contribution that meant something comes to mind. And this is just one example. The same goes for another forum I have been a regular member of for more than two years, where I left for over three months and they noticed only when I got back. It goes for any other similar community, online or not.

Now, this leads me to the question: what purpose do I have other than to breed? What makes my life worthwhile? At least I had a dream of being something once, seeing how I was successful then. But now, enjoying anything is hellishly difficult and this feeling of void and lack of purpose are getting harder to ignore. And since I will never consider ending my life, what can I do to make it go away?

I know this may feel a bit too vague for you to help me, but I can't think of more details right now. But right now, at least until Monday, I will appreciate any and all help you can give.

I was gonna post this on the old Depression Thread right before it went down, but most of it is still relevant.

Also, yay! The Depression Thread is back! *does a happy dance*

^ That is pretty much the most depressing song ever. Right after the Galaxy Song.

[The Great Skenardo]

The only reason I'm not pouncing on Khantalas' new post like a kitten on a twitchy piece of string is that I've already had the opportunity to comment on it earlier. If he feels like it, Khan can of course post them as well.

[zeratul]

That is pretty much the most depressing song ever. Right after the Galaxy Song.

What's the song. I love depressing music.

[Ego Slayer]

Yay, it's back! Thanks, Skenardo. ^_^
Know if the old one is going to be move back to FB?

[J_Muller]

He's talking about my link. I can't tell if he's joking or serious, though.

I actually like the Galaxy Song. But then, pretty much all of what Idle does is solid gold.

[Khantalas]

I like the songs. They're just as depressing as Celestia. All bright and good and archony.

[The Great Skenardo]

Yay, it's back! Thanks, Skenardo. ^_^
Know if the old one is going to be move back to FB?

According to the mod I spoke with, the old thread won't be coming back.

[Trog]

Trog Update:

Continuing where I left off of posting observation while under therapy for depression in the hopes that this will help some reader.

I missed a day of medicine. Don't. Ever. Do this. I was honestly in VERY bad shape. However I WAS able to (eventually) remember that I did not take my meds and I was then on the lookout for negative conclusion jumping. And was pretty good and spotting it if I remained vigilant.

I have come to notice that my medication, while working, was steadily having less and less effect on me. Eventually it seemed to really fade and I started to fall back into some of the same thinking modes. A good lesson from this is that I am not yet prepared to be off of meds. So I switched. Actually today is my first day on the new stuff. All in all it seems okay so far but time will tell. Hopefully it will be much less disruptive than the last medication (which had the following side effects: tremors and shakes esp. if taken with too much caffeine, restless sleep, and delayed gratification... er... after a while you begin to... er... chafe )

So there you go. I was on it for months before I could accurately assess that the drug was not doing its job. I have been told that it is rare to get the correct medication for you for depression right out of the gate. Everyone's body chemistry is a little different so experimentation may be needed. See your physician, don't try this at home, etc., etc.

[The Great Skenardo]

@Trog

Glad to hear you're making progress on that front. Keep us updated! We tend to worry

(Incidentally, any word on how Bor's doing?)

[dogmac]

Trog, you are so right. Do NOT miss medication. I can so notice when I forget mine. Not usually that day but the next one.

What are you on? I am on enough lovan to (quote shrink) launch a rocket.

I should introduce myself. I got rather nasty PND after I had my daughter. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Might give a link too, since I did an article on my pnd a couple of years ago, which explains how things were then. They have improved since.

http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/page...05_dianne.html

Cheers

Di

[zeratul]

(Incidentally, any word on how Bor's doing?)

I emailed him asking for him to come back. I doubt he will ,he seems resolute but kind in his decision.

[The Great Skenardo]

Trog, you are so right. Do NOT miss medication. I can so notice when I forget mine. Not usually that day but the next one.

What are you on? I am on enough lovan to (quote shrink) launch a rocket.

I should introduce myself. I got rather nasty PND after I had my daughter. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Might give a link too, since I did an article on my pnd a couple of years ago, which explains how things were then. They have improved since.

http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/page...05_dianne.html

Cheers

Di

Welcome to the forums! Clearly you're not in search of advice, and you say you're doing better than before...
Glad to hear it. it's quite a story.

EDIT: @ Zeratul: I figured as much. I was just wondering if he was still doing okay and all that.

[LurkerinthePlaygnd]

Glad to see this thread is back. It seems to be a pretty helpful one.

On the old thread I offered an ear/eye for anyone that wants to talk about drug addiction or alcoholism. While I am not an addictions councilor, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict who's been through the wringer. If you prefer, PM's are welcome.

[Daze]

I get seasonal depression disorder... after too many months of no sun, I start to get really irritable and kind of sad.
I'm also an insomniac, so that doesnt help anything...

thanks for listening :)

[dogmac]

You poor thing with the insomnia. I know that lack of sleep makes EVERYTHING worse. I find that I have to really watch myself, and make sure I go to bed at reasonable times, otherwise I know I am going to have a horrible time the next day.

Makes me quite boring to be around sometimes :D Ooh, it's midnight, time to go to bed or I'll be suicidal tomorrow. NIGHT!!

Yes, things have improved bigtime for me, mainly. I am now divorced (woo), and shrink and I are trying to work out why I am the way I am. He thinks childhood sexual abuse. I don't remember it. I don't enjoy my shrink sessions. Bleah!

Cheers

Di

[Daze]

You poor thing with the insomnia. I know that lack of sleep makes EVERYTHING worse. I find that I have to really watch myself, and make sure I go to bed at reasonable times, otherwise I know I am going to have a horrible time the next day.

Makes me quite boring to be around sometimes :D Ooh, it's midnight, time to go to bed or I'll be suicidal tomorrow. NIGHT!!

Yes, things have improved bigtime for me, mainly. I am now divorced (woo), and shrink and I are trying to work out why I am the way I am. He thinks childhood sexual abuse. I don't remember it. I don't enjoy my shrink sessions. Bleah!

Cheers

Di

It sure does make everything worse. No energy, cant think clearly, moodiness, etc...

I've been to a few different doctors, a couple of shrinks... not a one has been able to help me. I get the same crap answers everytime (even though I tell them I've gotten those answers before).

It's always "Lay in bed earlier", "try deep breathing", "get yourself in a good sleep pattern", "Take this supplement", "Try this sleep pill", blah blah blah.

After much investigating, I think I've nailed it down to a circadian rhythm problem. My brain cycles awake at night, and tones down during the day. Good news is, I know what the deal is. Bad news is, nothing I can do about it.
No matter if I slept 12 hours, or 12 minutes the night before, I always seem to be up til 5:00am or so. I even lay in bed for HOURS before anything happens. The dark circles under my eyes are ridiculous.

Anyhow... I hope everything goes well with your sessions. Psych-work is hard for me, but I hope it works for you. :)

[The Great Skenardo]

@Daze

Clearly you're in the midst of professional help, so I doubt you need amateur advice at this point . Being a night owl definitely has its advantages and disadvantages; I'd guess the worst part is not being able to choose which one you are. Hopefully you'll find some permanent solution soon.

[Trog]

Post Natal Depression is BAAAAD. My ex wife had a bout of that when our oldest was born. Horrible both for her and me. I even tried to get her to see someone (let me tell you THAT went over not at all). Cleared up on it's own, eventually. But those months were not very fun. Well except for the cute kid and stuff.

[Daze]

@Daze

Clearly you're in the midst of professional help, so I doubt you need amateur advice at this point . Being a night owl definitely has its advantages and disadvantages; I'd guess the worst part is not being able to choose which one you are. Hopefully you'll find some permanent solution soon.

Heh, no worries man. No professional help here, I've given up on that... Let's put it this way, my doc gave me a script of Ambien (zolpidem)... didn't effect me in the least. Actually made me hyper.
So that's all that needs to be said about my body chemistry, a sleeping pill wakes me up... sheesh.

Anyway, appreciate any amatuer advice, you cant do any worse than the so called professionals.
I've kinda accepted my night owl status. I work 2nd shift (2:30-11p). So that allows me to live fairly comfortably, with about 5 or 6 hours of sleep at night. I just know it wont last forever though... but what can you do? Eventually I'll be old... and I notice old people sleep less... that might help.

[Deathcow]

So what exactly happened to the old thread? And for that matter, what happened to Bor? Sorry if this has already been hashed over, but I guess I must have missed that part of DT history.

[The Great Skenardo]

Heh, no worries man. No professional help here, I've given up on that... Let's put it this way, my doc gave me a script of Ambien (zolpidem)... didn't effect me in the least. Actually made me hyper.
So that's all that needs to be said about my body chemistry, a sleeping pill wakes me up... sheesh.

Anyway, appreciate any amatuer advice, you cant do any worse than the so called professionals.
I've kinda accepted my night owl status. I work 2nd shift (2:30-11p). So that allows me to live fairly comfortably, with about 5 or 6 hours of sleep at night. I just know it wont last forever though... but what can you do? Eventually I'll be old... and I notice old people sleep less... that might help.

Old people sleep less? Not in line with mine own observations, I'm afraid.

Anyways. The only thing I can suggest, if you're not content with a nightowl lifestyle (and who can blame you), then it's possible to fill in the gaps with rest that isn't sleep. Some people swear by meditation, if that suits your temperment, but I find a good way to rest is to sit in a darkened room with a fan blowing and listen to smooth and quiet music.

I've never had insomnia, so pillar of salt, and all that.

EDIT: regarding the previous thread, I gather that Bor left after he and someone else on the board had a somewhat personal exchange, and the thread was closed for mod review. A mod has informed me that they're not planning on reinstating the old thread, so I got the mod-nod to make the new one.

[Daze]

Old people sleep less? Not in line with mine own observations, I'm afraid.

Anyways. The only thing I can suggest, if you're not content with a nightowl lifestyle (and who can blame you), then it's possible to fill in the gaps with rest that isn't sleep. Some people swear by meditation, if that suits your temperment, but I find a good way to rest is to sit in a darkened room with a fan blowing and listen to smooth and quiet music.

I've never had insomnia, so pillar of salt, and all that.

Yeah, quiet rest time is ok I guess... but that's a lot of valuable night-time video game playing that I'd be losing. ; )
My GF doesnt appreciate me wasting my weekends on it...
And meditation time doesnt go over so well at work.. buncha slave drivers here.

I'll stop complaining though, such is life.

And old people do seem to sleep less in my experience. They tend to toss around in bed a lot and still get up at the crack of dawn... but maybe thats just what I've noticed, could be wrong.

[Ego Slayer]

EDIT: regarding the previous thread, I gather that Bor left after he and someone else on the board had a somewhat personal exchange, and the thread was closed for mod review. A mod has informed me that they're not planning on reinstating the old thread, so I got the mod-nod to make the new one.

'kay... though, this bothers me because there were thing in that thread I needed to read.

[J_Muller]

The fact that what was said will never be made public is... to say the least, annoying.

The above is a gigantic understatement. Not knowing what's going on in an important situation is in the top 5 on my "list of things that majorly tick me off".

[dogmac]

Another link for you guys

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

This is based in Australia, but I think the information there is helpful to pretty much everyone.

[ocato]

Yes, things have improved bigtime for me, mainly. I am now divorced (woo), and shrink and I are trying to work out why I am the way I am. He thinks childhood sexual abuse. I don't remember it. I don't enjoy my shrink sessions. Bleah!

Please take this with a grain of salt, because I am not a fan of most therapists.

I would suggest having a discussion with your therapist about his or her psychological paradigm. I am not denying repressed memories as a concept or as something that may occur, but I think that some therapists are prone to a sort of Freudian approach that involves a lot of things that I do not see based on science. Sigmond Freud wasn't much of a scientist in regards to many of this theories, and the fact that many modern psychologists follow his beliefs is a riddle to me. I am not meaning to attack you or your therapist, but I do worry when I hear things about diagnosing repressed sexual abuse that may've not ever occured. The human mind is very open to suggestive memory adaptation, and it would not be the first time that a therapist has 'created' a memory of sexual abuse or altered a memory to appear more abusive than it was by taking advantage of the amount of trust a patient often has in their therapist. I doubt that any doctor would do this intentionally, but sometimes it is done in an attempt to 'help' you. Depressed or unbalanced patients are often quick to assume the patterns their therapist appears to be seeking. Parents or guardians are (rarely) imprisoned because of these circumstances from time to time, and it is sad.

Good luck with your problem though, I do hope that you find the help you need.

[Skippy]

Hi there everyone

Anyone remembers my story?? Well, I'm depressed once again...
I thought I had gotten over her already (Is it the right verb form?? I really have to improve my english, I think...) and I was even happy, since she and I could talk freely as before. I don't know if she is playing with me or if she's interested in me somehow, or if she only sees me as a friend, but I'm really depressed since yesterday, because I spoke to a friend of hers, who told me how she had felt about me some time ago. It really hurt me, even though I knew it already. Suddenly I realized I hadn't got any better, and that I am still foolishly in love with her, and then I'm afraid. I love her so much I'm afraid there will be a moment when I can't stand it anymore and try to win her love, even if she has a boyfriend, he's my friend and she told me she will never go out with me, so I would earn a black eye (or perhaps more than that) and the loss of two friendships.

The result: Once again, I'm running away from her. I don't want to be near her, or talk to her, or anything, because it hurts. AND to make things funnier, both her and myself are taking the same japanese class, so I have to be alone with her (Well, not exactly alone, but at least without her boyfriend or our friends) three days a week, two and a half hours a day... I don't know what to do... It sucks...

[The Great Skenardo]

@skippy

The second punch doesn't any less than the first, especially if it's in the same place.

Well, she has a boyfriend whom she's apparently happy with, and you've apparently decided that she won't be any good for you. Now all you have to do is tell your heart and your hormones that.

That's the tricky part. I'd encourage you to stay strong and avoid direct contact with her. In Japanese, sit further away or in a row that's in front of her row, so she doesn't distract you. Your hormones never have your own self-interest in mind; they're kinda selfish like that.

Best of luck.