The Depression Thread

[DarkLightDragon]

@Xykon Fan and SweetLikeLemons: Thanks. I'll keep in mind some of those ideas. And the books look interesting. It hasn't been confirmed whether I actually have ADD, but I have autism, which I was diagnosed with in 2001. Yay for social disorders!

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Is it just me? Am I monumentally stupid? Or is my emotional heart, already manfunctioning, too big for my mere mortal form?

*sigh* Yes, it's Bor story time. But instead of an event of the past, we will visit this very day.

With two dollars and 50 cents to get me through until the 3rd of next month, I realized the time had come to sell more of what little I own. I've been scavanging my DVD collection. Alas, the place that buys them will only take that which has no scratches whatsoever. Even a tiny mark on the very edge is grounds for rejection. Thus, I went through what I still owned and found four that I could still sell. That was it. I now own a mere 20 DVDs, some of which I never watch, still here.

"Awww...Poor Bor." Whatever. That's not the point of the tale at all.

On my way to sell them, I see one of my neighbors, "Doc," talking to a homeless couple. I overheard some of what was being said, and realized one key thing: my neighbor was DRUNK. Forget about walking straight...he couldn't sit straight.

I drop off my DVDs and go back outside to get the full story of what's going on. Well, at first I'm not sure, because Doc is going on and on about the homeless couple being Americans, and some political tripe about the government being stupid, etc. Once he gets past this, we're onto what's really happening. Doc wants to help them feed themselves and feed the dog they have with them. Well, despite Doc being whacked out, at least his heart is near the right place.

We all chat it up a bit, and I discover that this couple can't get any kind of aid because of the dog. While they consider the dog part of the family, no one else does. Since I understand the deep, abiding love for an animal, I can understand that they don't want to give her up.

I go and get what little I could for the DVDs. All of $10. This will get me a few days worth of food. I then go off to chase after to Doc, who has stumbled his way to the market. This is where I find Doc at the cash register, his debit card being denied repeatedly. Doesn't matter what amount is put in; they won't let him buy food for the couple and their dog. Heck, his bags were filled with more for the dog than for them.

As Doc tries to wheel and deal with people who know him at the market, I go back and report the problem to the couple. And as I say, "I would help, but I really need to buy food for myself," I find myself feeling somewhat petty. A goofy thought flits through my head, "How DARE you eat when others have nothing, not even a roof over their heads?"

Okay, that thought was a bit silly, but it was there. And it bothers me that I'm simply in no position to save the world. When I try to do a good deed that involves money, I find myself regretting it come the end of the month. It breaks my heart that I can't do as much as I would like. I start questioning everything I do with money. The DVDs I've sold were bought when I had the money to spend. Was my "need" for entertainment bigger than the needs of someone alone and hungry on the streets? The one and only luxury I pay for now is World of Warcraft. Is that money well spent, in an effort to keep my mind occupied? Or is wasted funds?

I need saving from myself.

[Hell Puppi]

Yeah...being a person with a heart, but poor, is hard.
I have heard of this problem before though. Many homeless shelters won't let dogs in, but for many people it's their only companionship, so their only choice is to get rid of the dog or tie it up somewhere and hope nothing happens to it.
If I had all the money in the world (or even enough), I'd put it towards this: I'd start a shelter for older and homeless animals. I think if I could do something like that I would be happy, but here I am stuck, working full-time, taking an occasional college class and barely scraping by. All I've been told is to get a 'career' and put some money towards my dream, but eh. There's nothing else I'd really like to do.
Least I know someone else who's as lost about what to do as I am.

[Narmoth]

Yeah...being a person with a heart, but poor, is hard.
I have heard of this problem before though. Many homeless shelters won't let dogs in, but for many people it's their only companionship, so their only choice is to get rid of the dog or tie it up somewhere and hope nothing happens to it.
If I had all the money in the world (or even enough), I'd put it towards this: I'd start a shelter for older and homeless animals. I think if I could do something like that I would be happy, but here I am stuck, working full-time, taking an occasional college class and barely scraping by. All I've been told is to get a 'career' and put some money towards my dream, but eh. There's nothing else I'd really like to do.
Least I know someone else who's as lost about what to do as I am.

Ask the coca cola or pepsi for funds, letting them use the shelter for advertising films and making themselves good PR as a community caring multinational corporation. (I'm not trying to be funny, this could actually work)

[smellie_hippie]

Bor,

Your heart is in exactly the right place. Nevermind that you may not have the ability (financially) to help those in need... just consider that there are many who can definately afford to help, but choose to ignore this problem.

Pats on the back may not feed or clothe us... but they hopefully warm the heart.

*smellie_hippie pats Bor on the back*

[PhallicWarrior]

Alright, the ole' PW is going into vent mode now, so stand back:


I spent last weekend in Pennsylvania, at regional youth gathering (for Lutherans.) While there I met what would hands down have to be the most beautiful girl I have ever met. A killer body, smooth dark skin, slightly frizzy black hair... Every physical attribute I love about hispanics but nothing I didn't like. I spent the whole weekend dropping complements, taking advantage of random opportunities (picked a bug out of her hair.) but when it came down to actually asking her to come to the late-night party, I froze. I couldn't bring myself to risk failure, that she would say no, and I turned away. I feel like the biggest coward on earth.

[Gitman00]

Alright, the ole' PW is going into vent mode now, so stand back:


I spent last weekend in Pennsylvania, at regional youth gathering (for Lutherans.) While there I met what would hands down have to be the most beautiful girl I have ever met. A killer body, smooth dark skin, slightly frizzy black hair... Every physical attribute I love about hispanics but nothing I didn't like. I spent the whole weekend dropping complements, taking advantage of random opportunities (picked a bug out of her hair.) but when it came down to actually asking her to come to the late-night party, I froze. I couldn't bring myself to risk failure, that she would say no, and I turned away. I feel like the biggest coward on earth.

Well, all may not be lost. Do you have her contact info, or any way of finding her?

[Serpentine]

Bor, I'm sure they appreciated simply being acknowledged and spoken to. Maybe if there's a butcher that gives free dog bones you could get one for them (by the way, I've read that they're good for making beef stock with, and soups can be made using various scraps and bits of leftover food - moneysaving idea for you, maybe?), and if you felt comfortable doing so you could perhaps offer yourself as someone they can turn to if they need (non-financial) help. You always have to look after yourself first, however, and from the sound of it you're only a step or two away from their situation, yourself, with the added burden of medical needs - tipping yourself over the edge will hardly help them.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Bor, I'm sure they appreciated simply being acknowledged and spoken to. Maybe if there's a butcher that gives free dog bones you could get one for them (by the way, I've read that they're good for making beef stock with, and soups can be made using various scraps and bits of leftover food - moneysaving idea for you, maybe?), and if you felt comfortable doing so you could perhaps offer yourself as someone they can turn to if they need (non-financial) help. You always have to look after yourself first, however, and from the sound of it you're only a step or two away from their situation, yourself, with the added burden of medical needs - tipping yourself over the edge will hardly help them.

Thanks, Serpie.

I have to say, big-hearted though I may be, I am not a fool. I have been tempted on numerous occasions to offer non-financial help, but it comes in two forms.

Advice: I have been homeless. I have fought for the nearly non-existent income that I have through goverment disability. When I try to point people in the direction they need to go, it's usually forgotten by the time I'm walking away. It crushes my heart to see the same homeless guy I spoke to weeks ago, standing around and still holding out his hand for money...money that he will probably use to gain a substance he's addicted to. But advice is free. I give it, and then I'm on my way.

The OTHER help: There are times when I want to ask someone to come back to my place, take a shower, maybe crash for a night on my couch. (Just inheritted a couch from a neighbor who was simply going to throw it away.) But inviting a stranger into my home has all kinds of drawbacks, including my potential death, followed by the theft of things I can't use while dead.

There's only so much help that anyone can offer. And it represents that which happens on this thread. We give the help we can, then pray the person we're addressing will take action for themselves.

[PhallicWarrior]

Well, all may not be lost. Do you have her contact info, or any way of finding her?

Alas, nay. If I had any chance of seeing her again I would have posted this in the relationship woes thread.

[Maryring]

22nd August, in the year 2005. I'm 16 years old, and about to begin my first day at my new school. I know none of my new classmates. I'm thinking to myself that it will be a fresh start. A new beginning. A change of pace. You name it, because whatever the name is, the meaning is clear. I was hoping for things to get better.

Unfortunately, that was not how things turned out to be. You see, my class mainly received applications from two different classes, so everyone in my class would already have a network of associates and friends to be with. Everyone except me, and her.

In order to keep personal information a secret, I'll call her "Angel".

On that first day of school, as fate would have it, we chose seats beside each other. I worked up courage I've never had before, and did something I spent the summer practicing on. I introduced myself to her. And she introduced herself to me. And we got to know each other. Now not only did she give me the impression that she was happy to meet me, but it would turn out that we had a lot in common. We had even both worked at the same theatre. And I was happy.

A few days later, we both got to know a different person, a boy who I will call "him". To begin with, I think we got off on a good tangent. At least "him" and "Angel" did. A week later, "him" invites "Angel" and me to the movies. I have to work at that time though, so I cannot join them.

The next time I see them, they're... whatchamacallit? Lovers? I don't know. I'm not even sure that there is a word for it, but I am sure my rambling makes it clear what I mean. Anyway, that is great news. "Angel" is a wonderful girl. She deserves a boyfriend whom she is happy with, and I am pretty certain that she was happy. At least for a time. Unfortunately, "him" and "Angel" being together meant that they were REALLY together. In other words, neither had any time for me. But that's okay. We could still talk from time to time. She wasn't ignoring me, and we still had a lot in common. Sure, "him" would rather not have me around, but "Angel" and I would still talk from time to time. We'd argue, fight, laugh etc. But no matter how loudly we yelled at each other, or whatever "bad" things we told one another, we both knew that it was not meant to hurt. It was just frustration, and it would always be a well meaning attempt to improve the other person.. And what is even better, she would respect that I did not want to drink, smoke or have sex. She would respect that I'd rather study than party, and she would respect that I had problems with "friends". (I later learned that she actually viewed things similar to how I did.) Sure, she would joke about it, and often she’d tell me that I should be a lot less perfect, or prude, as she’d call me when she was annoyed. But at the end of the day, no matter how cold, nasty or cruel I or she could appear, we both knew that the intention was good. And that would be our relationship during the first year of school. I’d be a stalwart and trustworthy partner she could speak to about anything she wanted, and she was a source of inspiration to me.

However, during the second year, I noticed things were not exactly as they would appear to be. As time went on, she changed. She became less and less outgoing, and I knew that it was something that was bothering her, though I could not find out what. We spoke together a lot less, and she would be absent from school for long periods. I wanted to help, I really wanted, but I was powerless. Or at least I felt powerless, because I could never get to speak with her because we rarely had classes together at school, and she’d vanish during recess and after school. And… I don’t know. Perhaps I actually could have helped her, and perhaps I actually could have stopped what she was going to do. Perhaps if I could’ve been a better partner, if I could’ve made her realize during that time that she meant a lot to me and that I was willing to help her in any way I could, perhaps things would’ve turned out different. She never told anyone. And though I suspected that she was a lot more wounded and tired than she let on, I would never guess that… After Easter vacation, she didn’t come back… one day before the 10th of May…

“Angel” was home alone, struggling with several difficulties, and to top it off, her boyfriend had recently left her. The same boyfriend she had been with for 1.5 years, the same boyfriend who had meant so much to her and been the key element to her new social network. Without him, I was the only one at school she could be with… While she was home alone, she would steal medicaments, mix them with alcohol and then drink the lethal concoction…

Suicide is a very selfish choice. The person experiencing the problems may have it tough, but the pain that those left behind has to feel… No one should have to feel that. No individual should be made a “murderer”. The feeling that someone dear to you have died, and that you failed to prevent it, you failed to even notice that the pain of the individual was so great that he or she was willing to throw away the most precious gift we have been given. It… that pain… it is intense. One of the greatest pains there is.

I don’t believe in destiny, nor do I believe in fate, but I do believe that it was no coincidence that “Angel’s” mother came home early that evening. Whatever you call it, I call it a miracle, because her time on earth was not yet over. They pumped her stomach, and even then it wasn’t certain that she’d make it. But she did… she actually did. A few minutes later, and she would have died, but she lived. And I was happy. I was relieved. But… I was also frightened. She lived, but her problems were not solved. It could happen again. It would happen again. I was certain of it. But… it didn’t. She finally spoke to me about her problems. She wasn’t receiving any help from the official health care system, and she was tired, an emotional wreck. So I would support her as best as I could… and later, while we were discussing the topics of friendship, it became clear. We were friends. Through all of what had happened, our bond had developed, evolved, it had become stronger, making us friends. I was still a bit worried. She was not receiving any help while we were attending school, and when I gave her my parting gift, since I was going to change schools, I was worried that it would be the last I saw of her.

But I was wrong. I’ve spoken to her again. I’ve seen her, and… she is okay. Her dull, tired look was gone. She had gone back to the healthy, compassionate and happy girl that she was. Things had worked out for her. Her depression was gone, she told me. Her fear of being outside, and her fear of meeting others, had finally gone away, so that she could live her life again. We spoke together, shared our dreams and hopes. And I could relax, and just be happy without having to will myself happy. What we spoke about, I won’t share, but… I had helped her become better. That, I am certain of.

Through all of this, I haven’t been able to shed a single tear, but at least I know that maybe… just maybe… I was wrong in believing in my inability to help others…

[EmeraldRose]

Maryring...I'm glad that things have begun to work out for your friend! I hope it continues to go well for her and for you!

EDIT: I know that this seems very short compared to what you wrote, but I am at work and don't have a huge amount of time to write back...please feel free to PM me if you want to.

[smellie_hippie]

Maryring: I'm sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal. It's terrible to think that soemone we care about could feel so low that suicide is the only viable option. I'm grateful that "Angel" survived, and that you two have been able to recover and grow from the experience. I'm also grateful that you have a living example that bolsters your confidence to help others.

*pats on the back*

[The Great Skenardo]

Through all of this, I haven’t been able to shed a single tear, but at least I know that maybe… just maybe… I was wrong in believing in my inability to help others…

A Heartening story indeed! But you know, I think I understand your original belief. When you see that something's going wrong with someone you care about, there's an aching fear you get; You feel like you ought to do something, but you don't know what you can do. For fear of making things worse, you forebear. And even when it comes to moral support, the words can get twisted on your tongue and silence prevails where there ought to have been words.

Yes, I know that feeling. But I'm glad that you've found the courage to act on your desire to help in the interest of a friend. A true friend. That's what's really important, isn't it? Help when you can, do what you ought, and maybe a little more besides.

Now, get out there and keep on being awesome!

[Hell Puppi]

Suicide is a very selfish choice. The person experiencing the problems may have it tough, but the pain that those left behind has to feel… No one should have to feel that. No individual should be made a “murderer”. The feeling that someone dear to you have died, and that you failed to prevent it, you failed to even notice that the pain of the individual was so great that he or she was willing to throw away the most precious gift we have been given. It… that pain… it is intense. One of the greatest pains there is.

To be totally completely and horribly honest, the only reason I'm not dead is because of the pain it would cause my family and friends. You have no idea how much it helps a person struggling to have a friendly ear.

If they don't look like they want to talk, drag it out of them. I say this because of my own tendency to bottle things up. Because it's my own problem, I should be able to fix it...and the longer you go on the worse the problem seems and the better suicide sounds. It makes you think 'well, if I do this, then I won't be a problem anymore! I won't have to bug my family or friend with my troubles!'.

I know it's hard to see the signs, but just try and be a good friend (like it seems you have been).

[Maryring]

Thanks everyone. This past six months have been incredibly difficult for me, though if I were to guess, no one has noticed (hopefully). In addition to her, I've had a lot of problems with my school, enough to warrant a change, and some... unpleasant discoveries. I can't stand it when my so-called "friends" secretly hate me. In those instances, I so loathe being right.

But... that's none of your concern. What is of your concern is... that I would like to thank you for that concern. Thank you for the responses you've given me.

[Dragor]

Hi, it's Dragor again. I regularly view this thread, but I've only ever made one post (if any of you remember it- about my brother with Aspergers).

Well, he was extremely good for about 4 months. He was less paranoid- we were closer than ever. We regularly played video games together- and he laughed for the first time in around a year. He smiled and understood jokes.

Well, at college, his only friends have all moved on. My brother has never really had any friends- friends which have stayed with him- and one friend turned into a bully at secondary school and beat him up on a regular basis (he was punished later on). This has kind of scarred him. He's very touchy with his old friends now, all of which understand his condition.

He's been very down the past few months and we were beginning to conflict in anything and everything. What I could touch on is our religious backgrounds, but that would be in breach of forum rules (I think) so I won't. This isn't saying that I would, it's just it would help you understand. We conflict regularly with religious matters- I'll leave it at that.

I'm worried how I can communicate with him- at all- when we suffer from these differences. I really love my brother, a lot, and I'll do anything I can to help him. He's extremely disillusioned with the world at the moment- and, goddamn my big mouth, I told him I wanted to pursue a career in Journalism. Big mistake on my part. My brother thinks all journalists are scum, ever since he read a Times article being extremely prejudiced towards children with disabilities. It angered him beyond belief and his mind tarred all journalists with the same brush, so to speak, and labeled them all under the same status.

Sorry. Just wanted to get that out.

My brothers psyche is quite complex. I don't know how to explain his mind pattern.... he is quite random. What worried me most, however, was this.

Me: Do you want to get Brain Training? It's getting rave reviews.
Brother: I don't want to train my brain.
Me: *laughing* Neither do I. It just sounds fun.
Brother: I don't want to 'train' my brain. If I had the brain size of an amoeba, I'd be happy. From what I've experienced Tom, knowledgeable and intelligent are more rude, hurting and spiteful than the people with little intelligence at all. I wish I was like them.
Me: *slightly aghast* Knowledge and intelligence can be used for good too, you know.

And so we argued. A lot. I apologized a few days later and so did he. We agreed not to talk on the matter again, but I felt incredibly guilty for bringing this up- I still do. His medication began increasing highly, and it didn't seem to have much effect.

Can't carry on typing now. My wrist is killing me.

Tom out.

[Arameus]

I can sum mine up pretty simply.

All of my dreams are impossible because I have no ambition or motivation. Thus, I essentially have no future to which to look forward. My present is exactly as bleak. My parents split, my brother is a drug-fueled time bomb, and I have no friends, and I mean none. The last time I received a social phone call was five years ago. My extreme intelligence, musical capability, and excellence at writing are all squandered and serve as no consolation. I have never done well at school despite a borderline-genius IQ of 145. In fact, my capable mind serves only to enhance my ability to examine all my failures and misfortunes. And that's what really hurts: that even what should be my good traits are destroying me.

I don't believe I have depression. My problem is simply unhappiness. I do not, however, pity myself, and I definitely do not hate myself. However, I have become as meek as a mouse (in person, anyway) and although I have a long fuse, the bomb it sets off is tremendous.

The real mockery of it, of course, is that the forum is my natural element. I can collectedly record my thoughts at my leisure, in a mood in which I believe I am really myself, a state which would improve my life dramatically if I could exhibit even a trace of it in person. However, as a result I become addicted to the forum and it consumes all my time that I should even now be spending on other things. This is why I have avoided forums (fora?) for years, despite its arguably therapeutic effect.

I think covered most of it.

[Rex Idiotarum]

You Win Arameus! Welcome to life. You have to just realize that it isn't a Railroaded RPG. Get out there, do something rash and impulsive, and watch as life changes around you. At least it worked for me... Life is good, look for it in the simple things, don't overload yourself on the steps. Right now, you only need to move five feet forward. When you get there, repeat. then repeat again. I know, since you sound a lot like me, you feel that life can overwhelm you. Just stop thinking about everything, and think in the moment. What will you do next?

Dragor, I think my response in an arguement like that would be a heavily sarcastic, "Ha! Ignorance is bliss, laughing all the way down the hill, unkowing about the sharp rocks below... Have fun."

[SweetLikeLemons]

@Arameus: I know you don't think you have depression, but please, please get yourself checked out. Even if you don't have depression, it could be something else. If you do have something, remember, there is nothing wrong with that, and finding out what it is could get you some help dealing with it.

As for the forums, if they help you, I would say don't give them up entirely. Just be careful. Keep track of how much time you spend on them. And make sure it isn't your only outlet. My advice, for what it's worth, is to find groups that tie in with your interests and talents. You said you are a good writer. Is there a literary center near you? That could provide both motivation to keep writing, and a way to meet new people. Or you could try to find a musical group to join. Or take a class. Or volunteer somewhere. Start small, but find things that interest and engage you.


@Dragor: My heart goes out to you. Your brother is really lucky to have you as a brother and a friend, and I'm sure on some level he knows that.

I don't know if this will be helpful at all, since you may want to try to keep the argument from coming up again, but if you are looking at a career in journalism I imagine it will be hard if his feelings about journalists stay the same. Autism and Aspergers have been in the news a lot lately. I'm sure there are articles out there with a much more positive outlook on it. Would it be helpful for him to see some?

Anyway, I wish you the best. Hang in there!

[The Great Skenardo]

Another possibility is to give him a manuscript of The Jungle, for example, or some of the other historical Muck-raking journalists' work. I seem to recall that paranoia was one of his major issues. Might help him to know that some journalists past and present have been struggling to say the unpopular truths.

[Hell Puppi]

Heh to be honest half of what I tell you people (I mean that in a good way) I wouldn't dare tell anyone else.
Soi yeah, I feel for you Arameus, and even if it sounds rough go talk to a professional about it. I don't mean to be mean, but what I thought was mild depression in myself turned out to be something much worse, and luckily because of the help I've received it's just turned into a mild anxiety problem. Sometimes it's not so much knowing what a problem is, but learning how to overcome the problem and change it.
You know, before it eats you. Don't let the depression wyrm (as I refer to it) do that.

[Arameus]

I think I should also make it clear that, despite these problems, I maintain a genuinely upbeat attitude about most everything and I try my hardest at everything I do, and even if it doesn't work out, knowing I tried makes me feel good, because, really, what more can you do than your best?

Fortunately, I don't think seeking help is any sort of need for me. The loneliness only becomes noticeable in summer when I'm not around other people as much, and I go back to school Tuesday. Past that, I have a father to which I honestly can tell anything. And, as he is a Methodist Minister (as are both of his parents), it's really been his life's work to help people. One thing of which I've always been very thankful is that, however difficult it may be, I have been supplied with all the help I need.

[Rex Idiotarum]

I want to create a character named after a Psychiatric Medication so bad. Biston, Cylert, Dozic, Geodon, Luvox, Orap, Serax, Sirtal, Tafil, Xanax, Xanor, and Zeldox.

Just for fun, see what characters you can find in your medication's name.


Well, Arameus, sounds really good for you.

[Hell Puppi]

Err I would say something but it sounds horribly depressing so I'm not.


Also:

Hehe sad thing is Rex I think those could easily pass for fantasy names as long as know one caught on. Then hopefully they'd just find it entertaining

[Rex Idiotarum]

Spill it, horribly depressing things is what this thread is about.

[Hell Puppi]

Well it's more of advice than my own problem, and I don't want to create a problem where there ISN'T one, it's simply what I went through a long while ago. Arameus' reply sounded a lot like a few things I've said in the past, but I'm not him (or her), and can't make assumptions.
That being said:
Sometimes believing your happy and being happy are entirely different things. If you didn't have problems you wouldn't want to share them, and again I'm merely saying this because before I had a major breakdown I went through a routine of being alternately depressed and feeling fine, thinking I could hold it off on my own.
And I'm only saying this because a few thing have echoed my own problems, anxiety, loss of what to do, ect. I'm not saying what you're doing won't bring you out of it, I'm just saying that if gets worse or you feel you need help GET IT. I should say this to everyone and not just direct it at one poster, but there is no shame in it.
Sorry if I sound like a douche, I just don't want someone going through what I went through.

Wow now that I've proved my own un-stabability I may go hide for a while....

[Rex Idiotarum]

I think it is good advice. Yes, people, talk to someone if you are feeling depressed. Sometimes talking about things can really help out.

[SDF]

Sorry if I sound like a douche, I just don't want someone going through what I went through.

Wow now that I've proved my own un-stabability I may go hide for a while....

You are speaking out of compassion, and that is like the opposite of personified feminine hygiene products. ;P The mind is strong and if you think you are happy you can make yourself feel that way, but that isn't to say you don't have other underlying problems. I can attest to random fits of instability, occasionally feeling extreme dread. Sometimes when there is a reason and sometimes when there isn't. Today for instance I had a really good time downtown. Met a mime and some random people, but when I came home I felt really lonely. Iuno, it's the way it goes.

[Arameus]

It's circular logic. On the one hand, I admit I have problems, but believe I maintain quite well in spite of them. On the other hand, this could be denial and I'm making the problem worse. Meaning as I feel worse and worse I'll pretend harder and harder.

However, I would take the awareness of such a concept and the lucidity to describe it as proofs that such is not the case. I do, however, appreciate your words very much.