Ridiculous Magic Items

[Irreverent Fool]

I've seen them mentioned off-hand in other threads, but what I'm looking for here is the weirdest and most 'useless' magical item you can come up with. I have a group of very resourceful players and they love figuring out crazy ways past all my hard work. I reward them with the tools to do so. The best I've seen mentioned are

A bucket that turns upside-down after 32 seconds (or some strange number like that)

A wooden pole that will stand perfectly upright if set on a solid surface.

It reminds me of the good ol' <i>robe of useless items</i> which has on it -- among other things -- a rubber sword and a glass shield.

[Hyfigh]

How about a key that will only open the last door it was used on, but won't work on the same door twice?

[Anxe]

A pair of really squeaky Boots of Elvenkind? Singing Candlestick? Spatula of the Nine Hells? Hurdy-gurdy of Owlbear Summoning? Pink Legwarmers of Speed? Knight of the Dinner Table Comic?

[rollfrenzy]

The Head of Vecna?

Or something completly random, like a Herring of Hearing, or something really awesome and useless, like space marine armour, but no ammo or power source. or a video game console.

Or if you want to go completely useless, give them a Samurai.

[Avaris]

I heard somewhere about a small, hand held movable portal to the plane of fire, that could be opened or closed at will. In other words a lighter.
Alternitively, something that looks like it should be opened but can't might be interesting. Say a book glued shut or something... I don't know.

btw, I'm sure I recognise that avatar... is that you MJ?

Edit: remembered another. A small statue made from Pottasium or similar and kept behind a water fall. Looks likem it is silver, but when try to leave with it it explodes.

[Nerd-o-rama]

A Samurai cohort is better than no cohort. Of course, any PC class cohort (or a well-built Expert) is going to be more useful than a Samurai.

The Skull of the Minor Background Character of No Significance

A +1 Sword, cursed with a permanent -1 to attack and damage. Of course, this is still sorta useful because it pierces DR/Magic and can be further enchanted immediately. It's just...who would use it?

A snowball that never unfreezes (warning: may cause the destruction of the universe if your DM is a physics buff).

A +1 Plant-bane Adamantine Herring.

[AslanCross]

Rapier of bluntness?
A candle that can only be lit by the kiss of a maiden and can only be extinguished by the breath of an orc?
Everflowing Still of Goblin Thudrud Brewing? (Thudrud is the awful goblin liquor that is said to smell like "a rotting cow that caught fire.")

A self-carving block of marble that becomes a statue of a kobold paladin.

[Arbitrarity]

The stockings of mystical awesomeness: Grant an extra boot slot.

[sikyon]

http://www.giantitp.com/comics/Incentives.html

Magic Items to put back

[Pronounceable]

Scroll of Remove Blindness, Potion of Stun Recovery and of course the almighty Potion of Uselessness.

[Kurald Galain]

Boots of dwarvenkind. They give you the (lack of) stealth, as well as body odor, of a real dwarf.

Arrow of sleighing. No, not of slaying. This one transforms into a sleigh when fired.

Okay, getting into pun mode now...

Ring of blanking. Casts erase at will.
Ring of chameleon strength. Gives user the strength score of a chameleon
Ring of count her spells. Works only on female casters.
Ring of invasion. Insert coin.
Ring of feather throwing. Lets you throw items the way you would throw a feather.
Ring of enemy shield.
Ring of the sheep. User grows woolen coat.
Ring of shooting stars. Shoots, but only at stars.
Ring of spell "storing". S-T-O-R-I-N-G, upon command.
Ring of three washes. Cleans your equipment.

All too easy

[Wooter]

A +1 Large sized Gnome Hooked Hammer.

[Shhalahr Windrider]

A wooden pole that will stand perfectly upright if set on a solid surface.

Sounds perfect for tent pitching.

Or portable flagpoles.

Not entirely ridiculous there, I think.

[Arbitrarity]

The 7'th level gnome psychic warrior, who just manifested an augmented expansion, laughs at your "useless" item!

[Jibar]

A snowball that never unfreezes (warning: may cause the destruction of the universe if your DM is a physics buff).

Heh, I once gave my player a pouch of burning snow.
3/day they could attempt a ranged touch attack with a hunk of snow from inside. Dealt 3d6 of cold damage and 3d6 of fire damage.

That... wasn't so useless actually.

Arrow of sleighing. No, not of slaying. This one transforms into a sleigh when fired.
:

A sleigh to the face is pretty useful actually.

[mostlyharmful]

check out the GURPs Discworld book, it's got all manner of pointless wastes of time, the shy standing stone that shuffles behind you when you look at it and the perfect (for a given value of perfect) magic mirror that shows you all of creation at once and thus just looks like a big black square to the naked eye, are two of my favorites.

[Arbitrarity]

Not a sleigh that retains it's momentumn, not velocity!

[Kurald Galain]

More bad puns!

Armor of e, the realness - no, I don't get it either
Armor of fire resistance - the resistance needs to find new employment.
Armor of host touch - keep in touch with your host
Armor of ghost teach - very educational
Shadow of armor - normal clothes, but your shadow looks armored
Armor of silent doves - summon bird I
Armor, slack - I don't feel like adventuring today
Armor of mario resistance - for those who like sonic
Armor, tame - works with your "tame shape" ability
Banded mail of luck - you MAY have already WON! Open this envelope to find out...
Elven chain - used to keep elves in prison. Comes with an elven lock.
Mithril full plate - a dinner plate of full mithril
Mithril skirt - goes great with that chainmail bikini
Plate armor of the beep - summon bird II

[Saithis Bladewing]

Rod of Hunger
When used, it makes the bearer lust for a random type of food.

[Chronos]

As a physicist, I've always wanted to see a piece of unstretchable, unbreakable string (it's a little under 11 yards long, of course), a frictionless table, and a massless pulley.

[Jothki]

A figurine of a sitting monk that grows to normal size and comes to life when a command word is uttered, but completely ignores any orders, merely sitting on the ground attempting to seek inner enlightenment.

[sikyon]

Give your players Blackberries of instant addiction.

[Draz74]

I saw a great collection of these once ...

The best was the Coin of Sporadic Divination. You ask this magic copper coin a yes/no question, then flip it into the air, and when it lands, it has a 50% chance of magically telling you the answer to your question.

Then there was the Potion of Frost Giant Breath.

Or the crystal rod that, if rubbed, smelled like jasmine. After several adventures, the party finally confirmed that its odor was its only power.

Or the little metal "peanut" can that had a spring-loaded fake snake jump out of it when you opened it. Its wielder eventually wasted - not one, but TWO out of three - questions at the end of a "find the Oracle" quest, to find out that his precious metal can didn't do anything else.

[goat]

The extension lead of the gods.

"It's a strange rope, with an odd looking grappling hook-type thing on one end, and what looks like a sort of lock on the other. And you say it conducts lightning?"

[Bassetking]

A pair of really squeaky Boots of Elvenkind? Singing Candlestick? Spatula of the Nine Hells? Hurdy-gurdy of Owlbear Summoning? Pink Legwarmers of Speed? Knight of the Dinner Table Comic?

Never before in the history of all existence has there been an object of such wonder, might, and power.

[mostlyharmful]

a worn out Ioun stone that has absorded all spell levels, it's great! My very first DM gave one of my party that in our first campaign, guy didn't have aclue what it was or what it did. We all got useful ones that did stuff so he was convinced that his did too (actually his character had annoyed our benefactor so got hosed), he then proceeded to test his hypothosis in every conceivable, stupid way..... maybe it lets me breath underwater.... glub glub.... or means i don't have to eat food..... que passing out in dungeon.... or i can tlak to squirrels.... nuts.... He kept it up for months, it just went round and round his head going whoom whoom in an annoying way. he just left it on for the rest of his life.

[Wooter]

How about a +1 pillow? It does 1 subdual damage on a critical hit, nothing otherwise.

A vorpal muffin?

A cup that will turn anything* put in it into walrus urine?

*any liquid that is. You can't destroy a liches phylactery by putting it in the cup. That would be silly.

[Kurald Galain]

Oh yeah.... in one of my older campaigns the PCs had a Ring of Protection from Weather. You could walk through rain and snow without getting wet! Great fun, and they even started quarrelling over it.

[PlatinumJester]

A book of Vile Darness with the cover of a book of Exalted Deeds.

[Joltz]

A rug that leaves colored footprints behind when you walk on it. They fade after 2 rounds and every creature on it at the same time makes a different color footprint.

There is a rather evil variant that unleashes a prismatic spray if 7 different colors are visible on it at the same time...