Needed: Bad Jokes.

[Glyphic]

I'm currently in a campaign where we'll be facing off against gnolls, Wolves, Orcs, and all sorts of unsavory beasts. So, I humbly come to you forum goers for related, off-kilter, Bad jokes.

One such remark that got the group going was, "Watch out, there's a Gunman on that Gnoll!"

Also, dark gods/the occult should be prevelant in later sessions. So, if you've got anything that might just help keep people entertained Ic'ly or Ooc'ly, I'd be very much obliged!

[Skjaldbakka]

Let's make like Perseus, and get Kraken.

ok, that didn't really fit the theme, but it is what came to mind.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

Let's make like Perseus, and get Kraken.

That's awful. I love it.

[Pronounceable]

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Spoiler

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DUNNNNNG!

I know, it's awful.

[The Glyphstone]

"Don't worry, those zombies are vegetarians, they're harmless!"

"How can you tell?"

"Cause they're all moaning GRAAAAAAAINSSS!"

[martyboy74]

Not so much a joke, but...

Gnolly gnolly gnolly gnolly gnolly!

[nobodylovesyou4]

well, my rogue was training to be an assassain once, and the instructor said:
"well, lets get to the POINT! haha, sorry, assassain joke."

[Landy]

Where do baby orc's come from?


The St-orc!

[BardicDuelist]

From the PHB2: What do you do if an orc attacks you with a crossbow? Pick up the crossbow and shoot the orc!

I know it's lame, but I love that one.

[Armoury99]

"He makes like a treant... and leaves"

"Did you know that dark elves can't swim? Push 'em in a pool and they just drown." (gosh, that's awful)

"Who many dwarves does it take to change a lamp wick? None, they can't reach: They're not troll enough!" (for this one, blame Eric from the D&D cartoon)


...And my favourite fantasy in-characterable joke of all time (sadly not mine, I read it somewhere years ago):

Q: "Why do elves have pointy ears?"
A: "Gotta be some point to elves..."

[Guy_Whozevl]

Another PHBII one:

What did the fighter say when asked if he liked mutton?
"Sword-of."

I can hear the groans already...

[BelkarIsAGod]

Puns of this calibre should be SHOT.

[psychoticbarber]

Puns of this calibre should be SHOT.

Hahaha, very clever.

[BelkarIsAGod]

Hahaha, very clever.

Thankyou.

Perhaps:
I'm exspectreing some undead soon....

[Tellah]

A paladin takes his brand new car into the mechanic's shop to get it checked out.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asks the mechanic.
"It's the strangest thing," explains the paladin, "but every time I get behind the wheel of this car, I lose control and start running over babies, puppies, and little old ladies!"
The mechanic takes one quick look under the car and says, "Ah, I see the problem. Your alignment's off."

[Quietus]

A paladin takes his brand new car into the mechanic's shop to get it checked out.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asks the mechanic.
"It's the strangest thing," explains the paladin, "but every time I get behind the wheel of this car, I lose control and start running over babies, puppies, and little old ladies!"
The mechanic takes one quick look under the car and says, "Ah, I see the problem. Your alignment's off."

Hahahahha, classic

[SpikeFightwicky]

Two bards are standing on a bridge, when one of them emits a Stinking Cloud.
"I didn't know you could cast spells yet!" says one bard.
"I can't...." replies the other.


Q: What does the priest say at a necromancer's wedding?
A: Who gives this bride to be undead?


Q: What do you get when you cast Enlarge Person on a Bugbear?
A: A Bug-Dire-Bear.

I'll try to think of more...

[Edit 1]
Here we go again:

Q: How much does a necromancer's minions weigh?
A: A skele-tonne!

[MagFlare]

"Man, that half-orc highwayman was strong."
"How strong was he?"
"Well, I just saw him holding up a carriage."

(rim shot)

"How do you murder a troupe of wandering acrobats?"
"Easy - stab them in the juggler."

(slightly less enthusiastic rim shot)

"I just saw that paladin's mount doing macramé!"
"Well, naturally. It's a hobby horse."

(extremely reluctant rim shot)

"Here's my friend. You can call him by his nickname, 'Gar.'"
"What's 'Gar' short for?"
"What'm I short for? I'm a dwarf, ye fool!"

(gunshot; the drummer has committed suicide)

And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Keld Denar]

How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
Just 1, but it only apears to be lit.

How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
What, you'd actually trust a halfling with your candle?

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
Three. One to sing, one to dance, and one to summon the spirit of joyful flame into the realm material.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
Three. One to count the money, one to check for stone traps/sliding panels, and one to light the candle.

How many Trolls does it take to light a candle?
Just one, but he does it very, very carefully!

And finally,
How many Half Elves does it take to light a candle?
Only one. Apparently, half elves ARE actually good at something!

[SpikeFightwicky]

Q: What did Raymond the beholder use as the title of his memoirs?
A: I, Ray

[BelkarIsAGod]

And finally,
How many Half Elves does it take to light a candle?
Well, six, obviously!

Fixed it for you.

[Icewalker]

And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

You are a terrible person.

I say this in jest of course. That is ridiculous. And I'm going to spread it like the plague.

[SpikeFightwicky]

Q: What did the knight say to the medieval slave stuck in a tree?

Spoiler

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A: Serf's up!

[psychoticbarber]

Half orc barbarian has two horses, and can't tell them apart, so he goes to the fighter and says, "I can't tell my two horses apart!"

The fighter tells him to try cutting the tail off one. The half-orc barbarian goes off, and a couple days later walks up to the rogue, saying "I can't tell my horses apart, the fighter suggested I cut the tail off one, but it grew back!"

So the rogue suggests he cuts the mane off one. The half-orc barbarian goes back, and a couple days later approaches the wizard, saying "I can't tell my horses apart, the fighter suggested I cut the tail off one, but it grew back, and the rogue told me to try cutting the mane off one, but it grew back...what do I do?"

The wizard says, "Have you tried measuring them?"

The Half-Orc Barbarian returns 5 minutes later and says to the Wizard, "I measured them, and it worked!...

...The black one is half a hand taller than the white one."

[Nerd-o-rama]

And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Already done with Gandhi, but still awesome.

[Telonius]

(Hat tip to Eddie on this one)
Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken!

Q: Which class is the stupidest joke of them all?
A: The Aristocrats!

[Just Alex]

Some bard humor

Bard 1) An E-flat, B-flat, and G-flat walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors".
Bard 2) That struck a chord
Bard 1) Careful with those puns, they'll get you in treble
Bard 2) But they're key to my humor
Bard 1) I suppose they're very noteworthy

[Telonius]

(To an undead being controlled by a Necromancer): You know, he only likes you for your body.

(To a cultist, as you disrupt his attempt to summon an elder horror): Sorry, Cthulhu's on my Do-Not-Call list.

[Swordguy]

One day a group of evil monks rode into town. They bought a flower shop, and proceeded to create all sorts of vegeterian horrors by which they dominated the townsfolk. Anyone going near their place was consumed by savage plantlife.
This situation persisted until, one day, a Fighter called Hugh Swordsman rode into town, killed the plantlife, and drove off the monks, freeing the city.

The moral of the story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent unsafe florist friars.

[Swooper]

Q Why do female orcs always wear high heels?
A So they don't hurt their knuckles when they drag along the ground.

You did want bad jokes, right?