Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[LastCenturion]

"Consequentialism is the morality of kings, I'll kill you quickly and profitably."
"Yeah yeah, just make it a really dope death."
"Is there a non-dope way to consensually shoot your ally and fellow noble in the face until demons pop out and destroy giant mechanical apocalypse-spiders?"
"Point."

[Vknight]

"We must have career courtesy between witches even ones that eat children."

"You are correct my only goal is to guard the bridge you can just go around but I was really hoping for the fight"

"I am TAIYO bow before me and my great cosmic power over fire!!" *The ninja proceeds to pet him*

[dunfluff]

Horell: Ok. Things to remember to not say to the ninjas. Hello monkey. And eggnog city.
Lonji: Hello eggnog monkeys.

Alum: Don’t half ass 2 things, whole ass 1 thing.
Lonji: I’m already dragging your ass through town.

GM: I don’t think there is a knowledge crime.
Lonji: we are adventurers, we all have knowledge of a lot of crimes.

Scar: Does it look like a square rock with arms and legs?
Alum: he kind of looks like a tiny alum with wings.
Sasani: oh god how does it fly?
Alum: with great skill and immense determination.

Lonji: Oh no. My problem is that I’m not just incredibly hard to notice, I also am incredibly bad at noticing anything

Horell: I’m suddenly happy that I’m half pelican.

Lonji: Am I being evil if I stab this thing? I mean I can always stop stabbing it.
Sasani: it is a very stabbable offence.

Npc: *Hits Horrell*
Horell: *splits in two*
Npc: you’re doing it wrong, now there’s two of them.
Alum: you have to hit him backwards.

GM: alum, roll a reflex save
Alum: why would you say something so controversial?

GM: I know we joke a lot about this Alum, but you are actually made of flesh right?
Scar: did you actually turn into stone?
Horell: I think he actually turned into stone
Lonji: he does make a pretty statue.

Alum: I blame Lonji.
Lonji: Hey!
Alum: this all started when you called me statuesque.

Lonji: he talk with mouth like he pronounces goodly.

Alum: this is the tiny wall all over again.

Sasani: you really shouldn’t have given me the "no fun allowed" sword.

Horell: I like this guy.
Lonji: he’s both logical and practical. This has never happened.
Scar: can we knock him out and take him with us?
Alum: Horell, can you clone him?
Lonji: NO!
Horell: ...yes.

Lonji: I can’t see Horrell anymore, he landed on the other side of the... oh no.
Lonji: is this how you guys feel all the time about me? I like it.

GM: is that a hit?
Alum: yes, it is a t-rex. it’s not hard to hit, but you have to get worryingly close to do it.

Scar: HE WAS BEING POLITE!

Alum: The t-rex is a wise being
Lonji: haha, it’s so much wiser than me.

Horell: I AM HORELL FROM SANDPOINT, IMORTAL LIFECHEMIST, FLEE NOW!
NPC: You’re not even a real bird person.

Alum: I’m going to beast shape into a giant $#&§off bird.
Lonji: But rocks cant fly.
Alum: This one can.

Alum: you may play your sword and sorcery, but I’m in a friggin KAIJU MOVIE!

Lonji: PINEAPPLE! oh wait... CAREFULL!

Scar: I would run this country into the ground, building swamps everywhere.
Alum: you don’t build swamps. you stop building things and swamps sort of pop up.

Lonji: what’s the polite word for ninja?
Alum: freelance intelligence service.

Horell: Making potions for an entire army is monstrously expensive.
Lonji: They have an economy, it’s called being a country.

Alum: it’s always nice when anatomy works as intended.

Alum: I mean... they do look a lot like bowling pins from here.

Alchemist: Come down here and fight like a man.
Horell: I don’t suppose you could come up here and fight like a bird?

Horell: What do you call a flock of Horells? A MURDER!
Alchemist: See? He gets it.

Lonji: I can try, but it’s getting really hard to try and bluff everyone that we are a traveling circus.
Scar: Why are we concerned with stealth?
Horell: Also, we are transporting an army...
Sasani: Circus.

Sasani: Can you make a hollow in "stone Horrell" and put "real Horell" inside.
Lonji: Can we turn this into pacific rim?
Horell: I’m not saying that’s a bad idea... just that its hilarious.
Alum: if I was in charge this would have been a kaiju movie a long time ago.

Alum: out of all the summoned creatures I can call, Scar is still the most powerful.
Sasani: When you summon him does he get the celestial template?

Lonji: Don’t murder Horell. if anything, that’s overplayed.

Horell: I know I said to the dude that we had a plan, but we really don’t.
Lonji: We had an idea of a plan.
Scar: we have like 5% of a plan.

Lonji: We are a metaphorical heart attack.

Lonji: I’m not guilty of any crime, I’m just here to murder you.

[LastCenturion]

"They're elementals. Small for elementals, medium to large for a fish."
My character said this exact line no fewer than five times, to different people.

"This person claims to be a woman, which you've said trumps dignity. The broom closet is acceptable."

"Why are you telling me this? I'm a fisherman, not an adventurer."
"You're my best friend and I thought maybe you'd want to gossip? But fine, we can talk about something else. Who are the new guys?"

[Diachronos]

"Remember when I rolled PP?"

[u-b]

"Should I feel bad that we can use Justin's armoured courpse as an anchor to stop us going over the waterfall?"

[Diachronos]

"Well, he is a dog, so he's chewing on a dragon."

"I hear you have a castle problem."

[Foeofthelance]

"If kissing a frog gets you a prince, does the frog kissing the tyrannosaurus get the paladin back?"

[dunfluff]

Asher everytime he opens a door: I am Asher Levan d'Erages of the church of Pharasma. I`M HERE TO GET MY PASSPORT STAMPED!

Asher: I have authority! I have poise! I’m covered in goo!

GM: The furniture attacks you.
Tenka: Thats not a riddle! Thats not a riddle at all!

GM: what do you roll to identify booze?
Asher: I would guess Appraise, knowledge nobility or depending on the alcohol level, a fortitude save.

GM: The young magician has gotten into the spirit of the game. And judging by the smell, so has the cleric.

Tenka: so not just... material booze.

Ray: That's kind of my hole shtick. not being fun.

Ray: I can only be disappointed once per day.
GM: we all know that this is not true.

Tenka: There has to be at least 3 of them.
GM: well... you’re not wrong.
Asher: oh dear. perception is not your highest skill, is it?

Asher: AH! FIRE!
Tenka: that’s your answer to everything.
Asher: it has worked so far.

Asher: I can’t get poisoned. I’m protected by a layer of boils from wasp stings.

GM: And this is why you don’t eat origami grasshoppers.

Tenka: if I cant see it it cant hurt us.

GM: Asher, you hear a "tink" as Tenka tries to stab you in the back.
Asher: what are you doing? you’re not even that good with that thing.
Tenka: to be honest. that was really good for being me.
GM: he's right.

Asher: is it stealth or knowledge religon to find someplace to hide?

Asher: *praying* please hide us from maktena.
maktena: yes? hello?

Asher: We are in a house full of paper. I have so much fire.
Tenka: i have the wand of putting out fires.
Crow: im basically a wand of putting out fires.
Ray: I have a shovel.

Asher: my favorite enemy is paper.

GM: one of the peaches tries to eat you.
Ray: that’s ok. I’m impeachable.

Asher: oh god he’s a were peach!

Ray: Of course, you would abandon us.
GM: yes. there is no way you’re running away and letting the paladin see you like this.

Tenka: PESSIMISM FOR THE WIN.

GM: I SUGEST you turn around and leave.
Ray: yes. this is obviously a waste of time.
Tenka: I knew you would abandon us.
Ray: ...ouch.

Asher: I’m slowly building up an immunity through exposure.

Asher: YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSS!
GM: the good part of this poison is that it requires 2 consecutive saves.
Asher: OH COME ON.

GM: Tenka, you now realize that the term flailing wildly would be a lot easier if you had a flail.

Asher: I’m now immune to the poison. my blood is mostly poison anyway.

GM: your best sense was nonsense.

Tenka: Hello, I am Tenka Frostwolf from Rosslars coffer, we are here to get our passport stamped.

Asher: Wait... What? How? what? I don’t understand!
GM: You are as confused as you can be without having the confused condition.

Tenka: It has no mouth, and you must scream?

GM: This thing has the most CN personality. like a cat.
Tenka: knocking people of shelves?
GM: Yes.

Ray: Either I hit or it sucks my brain out. Here goes nothing.
*Miss*
GM: And there goes nothing.

Asher: She’s trying to be friendly, I don’t trust her for a second.

Asher: This thing seems to be running on some kind of magical energy.

GM: The paladin is currently practicing crouching moron hidden badass.

Crow: [GM], you told us to be creative with the tree feather token.
GM: This isn’t creative so much as "am gona brake thing"

[Diachronos]

Robot dragon: (to PC who just arrived) "Hi, Ducky!" (to party's alchemist) "You keep drinking, it's important!"

[GravityEmblem]

"Should I play his wife?"

[Darth Paul]

GM: "The analysis concludes that Ron has supernatural strength. He is a threat and must be eliminated. They concluded that Mark's character has some sort of electrical powers, and must be eliminated. As a shapechanger, Dan must be eliminated. And your character seems to have some ability to distract their minions so they all shot at you first, allowing your party to sneak in and get tactical surprise. You must be dissected to find out what this power is."

Me (playing the only mundane character in the party): "DISSECTED?!!"

[Telok]

"Is that a twelve foot tall were-treant with a laser cannon or are you just happy to see me?"

[Calthropstu]

"What's better than a +2 longsword?""
"+3 longsword"
...

[KorvinStarmast]

Immediately after the party concludes a non-combat encounter with a young copper dragon, and the copper dragon is still there next to the party
Halfling paladin: "I want to adopt the dragon."
Human bard: "I guess you can try, but I don't think it will work." (tries to motion to the dragon who is, like, right there -->)
paladin: "Why not?" (Genuine concern is present in the paladin's voice)
bard: "That dragon's Int score is 16, and yours is 10. I don't think that any amount of bardic inspiration is going to overcome that. Besides, to him, you are roughly an after-dinner-treat."

=========================

Party's fourth encounter of the day is against four owl bears. Hard fight. Last encounter of the day

Barbarian: "OK, let's set up camp. What's for dinner?"
Party checks and nobody has rations. Nobody.
Wizard: "How 'bout you go and forage some dinner?"
Barbarian: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!"
Ranger: "How about we cook and eat the owl bear?"
Party agrees. Food prep/cooking happens
Fighter asks DM: "Does owl bear taste like chicken?"
DM (rolls): "Nope. Tastes kinda gamey, actually."
Wizard (casts prestidigitation): "Mine tastes like fried chicken. Yummy"
Barbarian: "Can you do that to mine?"
Wizard: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!"

[Diachronos]

"The sun is weed!"

[Telok]

"I cast Taunt."
"There's no taunt spell in this game."
"Friends."
"Oh. Oh, yeah. And you aren't a sorcerer so you can't hide it... I guess that works. He attacks you."

[DeTess]

"Well, I don't know how physics work!"
"Violently, in this case."

[KorvinStarmast]

From Wednesday night's session.

"The cleric came near, reeking of beer, and proceeded to lie on the table"

Sung by the party bard. And yes, the cleric was well into her cups.

[Diachronos]

"I karate chop it with the sun."

[vasilidor]

"If I do what I have originally planned, we will have a popsicle baby."

[Telwar]

"Where did you get that much alchemist's fire, CostCo?"

[Diachronos]

"It peels off like foil off of an Easter chocolate, but in this case the chocolate is monsters."

[Phoenixguard09]

“Would you, by chance, happen to identify yourself as an adventurer of sorts?” – Ailbhe, in a sidling sort of way.

“Ah, a mercenary sure. Adventurer? Well, in a way, yes, I guess. Why? What do you see yourself as?” – The traveller, a little taken aback.

“A rogue, of the dashing variety.” – Ailbhe, a note of pride creeping into her voice.

...

“I’m not just a girl, I’m an adventurer! Now, I’m asking you again, for the last time, who are you working for?” – Ailbhe, proudly exclaiming as she jabs her captive’s neck with the point of her knife, keeping the man’s body in between her and his ally as best she can.

...

“Hey Michael, what’s your star-sign? You’re not a Stallion are you?” – Ailbhe, her reedy voice suddenly breaking the relative silence.

“Uh, Dragain? – Michael, not entirely sure off the top of his head.

“Aw yes! Nice, yeah, me too. How good is that?” – Ailbhe, excitedly dropping the corpse’s legs and holding up one of her furry hands, palm extended towards the Highlander.

“Um, yeah, sure?” – Michael, stopping briefly, lowering the corpse to the ground and wiping his brow free of sweat with the back of his hand.
Ailbhe grabs Michael’s other hand with her left and forces him to give her a hi-five.

“You’ve never seen that before? I’m pretty sure it’s an adventurer thing. It’s okay though, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough.” – Ailbhe, cheerfully grabbing the corpse’s legs again and waiting for Michael to take up his load once more.

...

All from the first session of Seven Stones and a Pale Shadow, the new Norbayne campaign log I have begun posting here on GitP.

[GravityEmblem]

"So, you all sleep in the sarcophagi, with throw pillows."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"
Bard: "I could see that from over here"

Spoiler: why this mattered

Show

The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll

[PhoenixPhyre]

DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"
Bard: "I could see that from over here"

Spoiler: why this mattered

Show

The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll

Spoiler: more context

Show

And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who had rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems.

[KorvinStarmast]

Spoiler: more context

Show

And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who had rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems.

Spoiler: why we are doomed

Show

Note to self: DM will have more halfling evil NPCs introduced into the campaign as a self defense measure against DM rolling 1s ...

[braveheart]

Is that written in gnoman numerals?

[Phoenixguard09]

“Shadow. Don’t worry, the knife’s in this hand. Wait, what knife?” – Shadow, offering his right hand to shake, as his left produces and then sheathes a dagger with a flourish.

* * *

“That’s a weird looking dog.”

* * *

“Can’t believe it, basically a tree climbing a tree. And she carried that thing up there too. It’s practically the size of a horse.”

* * *

“Is that… that’s no dog…” – The newcomer, a little taken-aback by the creature. She had noticed it, briefly, earlier, but did not pay too much attention before.

“It’s a cow!” – The still disembodied voice of Shadow.

* * *

“I don’t even know her. Who is she? I’m Shadow. What’s with the big knife? Don’t worry, the knife’s in this hand. Wait, what knife?” – Shadow, striding confidently towards the newcomer.

* * *

“Might be best to keep the trouser leg rolled up for a few hours, just to let it settle. Maybe stay off it for a little too, just let it heal a bit.” – Marwolaeth, tying off the bandage.

“So I’ll need someone to carry me.” – Shadow, nodding sagely.

“No, no, no, you can still walk, just not with all that sass like you normally do.” – Marwolaeth, putting her hands up.

“Not my normal strut then. I see.” – Shadow, with just the hint of a sardonic smile and his usual humour.

* * *

“Marwolaeth, ah, selling more acid of the finest quality I see. Quite the effect you know, I used some just the other night and, well, it did the job very nicely. Little to no residue, only the faintest scent, well and truly worth the cost.”

* * *

“Just a little one. A little bit of poison. Like, one dose of poison.”

* * *

“Ah, sleeping draught. Or paralysis? What one would you like? Or perhaps you want sleeping and paralysis?”

“That’s a thing?”

* * *

Draught of Living Death : )
Causes intense paralysis,
Effective for short period,
Possible side effects,
Don’t use on self.

* * *

“I’d offer to make some for you too, but I don’t know if I can go up to size twenty-six.”

* * *

“Where are you going?” – The voice again, insistent. This time, Shadow sees the offender, a pitch-black raven sitting in a nest of sorts constructed upon a windowsill, tucked away in overgrown greenery.

“Where are you going?” – The raven asks again, it’s beady black eyes inspecting the man as it ***** its head to one side.

“I thought you had a mammoth…” – Shadow, under his breath with a small grin. He leaves the Emporium, striding out into the midday sun.

“Where are you going?” – The raven calls after him once more.