Things you never want to hear your player say

[Jakinbandw]

I saw the other thread and realized that while I don't get to play much, I have quite a few things that terrify me when my players ask them.

"So are the walls magic or mundane?"

"I'm an illusionist!"

"So that's an arcane spell their casting right?" (in a game where the player was the god of magic)

"Hmm? What's going on?"

"So there's only one entrance to the monster lair right?"

[Quertus]

"I lost my character sheet."

"Hold on, let me look up how my basic abilities work / how do I calculate that again?"

"I wasn't paying attention."

"While we're waiting, there's a bedroom right there..."

"I've played this module before."

[hotflungwok]

"My turn? Ummmmmmmmmm..."

[The Kool]

"I'm sorry, what?" *looking up from something distracting* "can you please tell me everything that happened since my last turn?"

"Why do you need my character sheet? I can just tell you what it is. Okay, fine, you can look at it... I'll have to find it first... here's some scribbles, but it's old, and there's been changes since then..."

[Cygnia]

(when asked "What does your character choose to do?")


"...

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..."

[Pipquake]

Hi I created the other thread because I GM a lot:

"My character could easily kill your character."
"I attempt to steal x from y player character."
"I attempt to seduce <insert any creature>."

[Knaight]

"My work/school schedule shifted to [game night], can we reschedule?"

[Cygnia]

Or, after you've e-mailed/called/texted 2 weeks in advanced trying to get everyone's bloody schedule confirmed so you can run the Epic Final Battle, "Oops, I forgot! Can't make it today".

After everyone else has already arrived.

[Max_Killjoy]

"Hobgoblins are kinda my kink."

[Tohron]

* This new build is awesome, I found it on a Char Op forum!

* You allow *obscure splatbook here* right?

* I throw the Explosive Runes grenade at the BBEG!

* My Vampire uses Iron Heart Surge to put out the sun!

[The Kool]

"It says right here on D&D Wiki..."

[Cygnia]

*snoring*

(Context: every year there's a guy who insists on buying a seat at a popular game at the local con -- and EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL, he falls asleep)

[Imbalance]

"My character is a nudist."
Followed by:
"We should cosplay."

[Rynjin]

(when asked "What does your character choose to do?")


"...

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..."

I feel this deeply in my soul.

"I'm a Gnome!"

"I'm gonna play Berdaul this game."

(So for context, a friend of mine reuses characters a lot. Some are good, some are bad. Berdaul is one of the bad ones most of the time. In his original form Berdaul was a Dual Cursed Blinded/Deafened Oracle.)

[Kaptin Keen]

I lost my character sheet.

.. directly followed by 'but don't worry, I can play him from memory'.

Yea right! :p

[Mastikator]

"Oh it's my turn? Okay so what can I do?"

[Malphegor]

Wizard: “Ah, wait, I had a plan, but he just basically did... Okay hang on a minute... <hums> checking my spells, checking my spells, learning to play a wizard well”
Also wizard: “Come on hurry up with your turn so I can have mine!”

Barbarian: “I jump off the cliff.” (actually I always want to hear this. Barbarians have health to spare, they can take it, and it leads to someone crafting them hang gliders when it becomes a regular thing)

[Cygnia]

"Oh, it'll be TOTALLY fine that I bring my baby to your (non-childproof) house at the last second for the game!"

(Baby then proceeds to nearly choke on a ten-sider)

[DuctTapeKatar]

"This is Drillbit, my dark elf ranger who dual-wields shamshirs, and is also a prince of dark-elf-land, and is a good guy."

"Does the ring still work if I put it on my toe?"

I am guilty of this one: "I set <flammable object> on fire using my flaming sword/prestidigitation."

[Arbane]

Barbarian: “I jump off the cliff.” (actually I always want to hear this. Barbarians have health to spare, they can take it, and it leads to someone crafting them hang gliders when it becomes a regular thing)

Ive had two different Pathfinder characters who did this - a Witch with the Flight hex (at-will Feather Fall) and an Oracle with high HP and Boots of the Cat (minimum fall damage).

These struck fear and loathing into the hearts of GMs in the Nineties, maybe not so much now:
"Can I play a Kender?"
"I wanna be a ninja."

And always:
"I'm going to be Chaotic Neutral."

[Segev]

From a game of Iron Kingdoms, the Rhyn looked down at the iron lich preparing to cast a spell up at our position on the top of a 3-story building, after his player looked up from reading through the rulebook for both IK and 3.5e D&D for the last hour (during which the rest of us had taken a combat round): "I'm about to do something so stupid, there are no rules for it in the Player's Handbook."

[Quertus]

"Oh, it'll be TOTALLY fine that I bring my baby to your (non-childproof) house at the last second for the game!"

(Baby then proceeds to nearly choke on a ten-sider)

Had an idiot do that at my table, with the same result. Except I think it was a d20.

"Can I play a Kender?"

Oh, **** that!

[NRSASD]

Actually just happened right now:

"Hey DM, can you leave the table? We need to scheme."

[Arbane]

From a game of Iron Kingdoms, the Rhyn looked down at the iron lich preparing to cast a spell up at our position on the top of a 3-story building, after his player looked up from reading through the rulebook for both IK and 3.5e D&D for the last hour (during which the rest of us had taken a combat round): "I'm about to do something so stupid, there are no rules for it in the Player's Handbook."

Did it work?

[King of Nowhere]

anything showing that some of them still havent' mastered the basics even though we've been adventuring for three years

anything showing that some of them aren't paying much attention to the plot or worldbuilding

[Lacco]

GM: "It's your turn. What do you do?"
Player1: "Ummm... ok. Where is the enemy? How many? What are they wearing? What...? How...? ..."
GM: Provides detailed information.
Player 1: "I attack the closest one."
GM: "Ok, this and this happens. Your turn player 2! What do you do?"
Player 2: "Umm... where is the enemy? How does the battlefield look...? What is this guy wearing? And this one? And what weapons...?"

[hotflungwok]

"My water just broke."

[Kesnit]

Hold on, let me look up how my basic abilities work / how do I calculate that again?

Many years ago, I was in a 2nd ed. D&D game with a kid who was 12. No matter how many times we walked him through THAC0, he never got it. We even gave him note card with the calculations, and he still couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry, what?" *looking up from something distracting* "can you please tell me everything that happened since my last turn?"

We had a player in our current Pathfinder game who did this. She'd play on her phone until her turn, then ask for a recap, then go through the PHB to find a spell to cast. (She was playing a prepared caster, but was not actually preparing spells. Instead, she just viewed the list as her "prepared" list and picked one.)

"My water just broke."

OK, this is something you don't want to hear a player say. However, you can't blame the player for saying it!

[The Kool]

We had a player in our current Pathfinder game who did this. She'd play on her phone until her turn, then ask for a recap, then go through the PHB to find a spell to cast. (She was playing a prepared caster, but was not actually preparing spells. Instead, she just viewed the list as her "prepared" list and picked one.)

That sounds... rough. Though I can maybe one-up you... The player I'm thinking of once admitted to playing an entire Gambit match in Destiny 2 while waiting for another problem player to be done derailing the session with his rules argument. Can't entirely blame him though, and it would be difficult to tell him no laptop as he keeps an incredibly elaborate character sheet on there, complete with spreadsheets and calculations in addition to the character's extensive journals and spellcasting details and spell reference text... Which actually don't seem to bog down his turn when he's paying attention, to be fair.

[MrStabby]

"My water just broke."

Nearly had this last year - it was an hour and a half after the session ended. It was all online though so wouldn't really have been as dramatic.


For P&P:

"What's the wi-fi code?"
"Oh, I guess I didn't actually have water breathing prepared today" - 40 min into the underwater cave system
"I think it will be fun to play a pacificst"
"It's what my character would do"