You ever lose friends over this hobby? I just did.

[Odessa333]

At the risk of a rant, I just lost my entire gaming group. We've played online for over a year now, and I suddenly found myself kicked from the Dischord chat, and blocked by every person with no word of explanation. I went through every means of communication I had, and finally got in touch with the person I thought was my best friend. And keeping it short and sweet, the group didn't like me when I was quiet, and didn't like it when I voiced my opinion, so....I guess that didn't like me there at all. I'm still shocked. I know we didn't always get along, but I thought of everyone there a friend, and now I know they were complaining about me behind my back for who knows how long. That hurts. I'm left here in tears over people probably laughing at me, and I don't know how to handle that yet. I'm raw, and needed to vent a little.

[Pronounceable]

Those don't sound like friends. It's still a loss and upsetting, hopefully you'll feel better.

Also, this is an unnecessarily severe lesson that the internet isn't real. We need real friends from reality. In reality, when someone is pretending to be a friend but then is revealed to be an *******, you can punch them in the mouth. That sort of reality does wonders for manners and is thoroughly absent on the internet.

Don't let this get you down too much, you lost nothing that really matters.

[Akal Saris]

Hey Odessa, sorry to hear it and I'm sure you're really pissed off right now. All I can say is give it a week, and put them behind you. All I can say is to get back to some other holiday besides RPGs to let the pain fade a bit.

[Koo Rehtorb]

Some people don't get along, and there's nothing wrong with not associating with people you don't want to associate with. Organizing this sort of coordinated act behind your back without an explanation is pretty tasteless, though.

[zinycor]

Very sorry to read that, my advice would be to take a week off and then try to meet people who aren't backstabbing *******s.

[Particle_Man]

Those don't sound like friends. It's still a loss and upsetting, hopefully you'll feel better.

Also, this is an unnecessarily severe lesson that the internet isn't real. We need real friends from reality. In reality, when someone is pretending to be a friend but then is revealed to be an *******, you can punch them in the mouth. That sort of reality does wonders for manners and is thoroughly absent on the internet.

Don't let this get you down too much, you lost nothing that really matters.

But it does seem a bit ironic that these words of comfort (and all those on this thread) are also on the internet.

Anyhow, sorry that happened to you, OP. I hope you find better gamers (ideally a real life gaming group).

[Unoriginal]

At the risk of a rant, I just lost my entire gaming group. We've played online for over a year now, and I suddenly found myself kicked from the Dischord chat, and blocked by every person with no word of explanation. I went through every means of communication I had, and finally got in touch with the person I thought was my best friend. And keeping it short and sweet, the group didn't like me when I was quiet, and didn't like it when I voiced my opinion, so....I guess that didn't like me there at all. I'm still shocked. I know we didn't always get along, but I thought of everyone there a friend, and now I know they were complaining about me behind my back for who knows how long. That hurts. I'm left here in tears over people probably laughing at me, and I don't know how to handle that yet. I'm raw, and needed to vent a little.

This happened to me in real life, more or less. Had to insist for them to tell me to my face why they didn't talk to me anymore.

[MoiMagnus]

That hurts. I'm left here in tears over people probably laughing at me, and I don't know how to handle that yet. I'm raw, and needed to vent a little.

Unless they're really complete jerks, they're not laughing at you. They feel bad for doing so, but consider it was better for their own mental health / enjoyment.

I've met multiples players incompatible with each others trough my student club. I've seen more than once a player (or multiple players) just taking on himself/herself to play with someone incompatible with them, failing to communicate with them what is their problem, and starting more and more to hate the incompatible player for their incompatibility until they explode and either leave or make the other one leave. This is particularly sad because most of the time could have been very good friend if they'd just communicated their problems at the beginning rather than waiting for having suffered from it. And that's also sad for the "rejected" part because since the other side was too good as taking on himself/herself and hiding it, they never got the chance to understand they were problematic and try to amend themselves.

Please don't come out of this experience thinking "they're all jerks anyway" or "I'm worthless". People fails to communicate all the time. People fails to understand each others all the time. The blame is never one-sided. (And once peoples got hurt because of miscommunication, they tend to avoid any communication with you to heal from it, and put it in the past.)

Lastly, peoples can change if they want to. I don't know you enough to know if there is anything in your personality which is annoying for others, but you ARE ABLE to change. You might need at some point to have an honest talk with someone, asking him/her something along the line of "I've the feeling that I sometimes annoy or hurt peoples without knowing it, do you see something I could try to be more cautious of?".

Good luck!

[Knaight]

Also, this is an unnecessarily severe lesson that the internet isn't real. We need real friends from reality. In reality, when someone is pretending to be a friend but then is revealed to be an *******, you can punch them in the mouth. That sort of reality does wonders for manners and is thoroughly absent on the internet.

Ah yes, politeness through threats of violence. Love it.

This also isn't an internet phenomenon so much as a nonconfrontational people phenomenon, where the response to genuine conflicts is avoidance first and foremost, and eventually when everyone finds out that everyone is just tolerating someone because they incorrectly assumed the rest of the group genuinely liked them*. I've seen this play out in person a few times, though I'm generally confrontational enough that it tends to be a step removed.

*Which could be spun as pretending to be a friend, but that seems unnecessarily harsh. It's more being civil to someone you dislike, portraying actual friendship is a few steps beyond that.

[Segev]

Yeah, condolences, Odessa333. That stinks. And their behavior was not a kind way to go about it, either. I'm sure there's some level of struggle with trying to figure out the "best" way to deal with things, and cutting off a relationship is not ever "nice," but that does seem a bit ... juvenile. Still, try not to judge them too harshly; put it behind you, and find some real friends.

Because no, they weren't really your friends. You didn't lose friends over this hobby; you happened to think you'd made some through it, and it turned out they weren't really your friends after all. That's sad, and painful, and it stinks. My recommendation is to try to get out and make friends IRL, though I know that's easier said than done. I mean, I get that advice on "go find a girlfriend," but it is a legitimate challenge to figure out where to go to find such people.

In your case, if you still want to engage this hobby or similar hobbies, I suggest looking for RPG groups and board game clubs in your area. Fortunately, "friend" is a broader category than "potential SO," so just finding some people with similar interests to hang out with is a good start.

Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

[Man_Over_Game]

It sounded like they didn't give you a chance to fix the problem. And anyone who does that are pr***s.

I know you thought they were your friends, but that's not something that friends do, especially on a level of just kicking you out and hoping you don't ever acknowledge them again.

You'll find real friends in the future. It might take hard work and time, but you'll get there. My suggestion is to start looking sooner than later. Don't let the problem simmer and drag you down, and find a solution as soon as you're able.

[Pex]

I once lost a friend when he was DM and playing a druid I cast a spell that enabled circumventing a series of encounters he had planned. Hostility grew when in another game we were both players and when I played a cleric, 2E game, I had the audacity to cast a spell that was not Cure Light Wounds. This was in college and he literally yelled at me about it the following day in the Student Union.

I would lose another friend because he was disapproving of how I played a paladin. He was also playing a paladin and while he was gung ho kill all evil warrior I was reserved and wholesome.

[Waterdeep Merch]

It's not the easiest advice in the world to follow, especially in situations like this, but- don't spare too much time thinking about people who don't want to spend any thinking about you. It doesn't really matter who was right or wrong, whether they were justified or not, or how anyone feels about it, really. The more effort you dedicate to considering inconsiderate people, the more miserable you'll be for it. Let the anger and sadness wash past along with them. They don't serve you.

These people couldn't empathize with you, and didn't appear to try to either. But they aren't the only sort of people out there. If you're persistent and keep your spirits up, there is a perfect group out there, waiting for you to find them. Friends that could last a lifetime, if you'll have them. It might take a lifetime to find them. But they are out there.

Take some time for yourself. Breath in, let the moment pass. Then, when you're ready, see what else awaits you.

[Spore]

Yes but looking back these were acquaintances that just happened to play at the same table really. Even our resident munchkin and power gamer knows where the game ends and RL begins. He is probably the one that doesn't immediately identify with his character. It's a heap of mechanics with a neat backstory.

[Jay R]

It's worth remembering that this hobby didn't cost you friends. You met them through this hobby, and then lost them. That's not the same thing as the hobby taking your friends away.

You will never know what happened, but my money is on the possibility that your playing style was not compatible with theirs. That happens, and there's nothing wrong with it. Some people's game is not compatible with other people's game.

Move on, and remember that your actual friends are friends totally apart from the game.

[Honest Tiefling]

You didn't lose any friends because of this hobby. You got shown the true nature of people you associated with who likely would have blown up at anything, including a nice game of Go Fish.

I'm not saying this to dismiss your feelings, as any sane person would be upset by being so wrong about folks you thought were your friend. But if they didn't try to communicate with you at all, they were either jerks or very immature people.

Yeah, it sucks. But at least you're not wasting anymore time with them. It's probably happened to most of us.

As for handling it, it varies, but perhaps just take some time for yourself. Or be petty by making a really awesome campaign to DM for people WHO AREN'T THEM. Their loss.

[Mr Beer]

Well, you didn't lose friends over a hobby, you lost people who you thought were your friends and weren't. It's a horrible thing to happen and especially horrible if one of those people was someone you thought was your best friend. The way they did it was particularly uncool as well. I suspect you are all comparatively young? It sounds like the kind of thing that people do to other people in school.

Anyway because old people love nothing better than dropping information gained through personal experience...

As you go through life, friends will come and go, sometimes because they want it that way, sometimes because you want it that way, but more usually because life just gets in the way and circumstances change.

For that reason, it's worth making new friends and it's worth trying to have friends outside of a single social circle. For what it's worth, I have used this hobby to make new friends IRL, so it's been a net benefit in my life rather than otherwise. The same can be true for you.

I empathise with your pain, I've gone through similar things in my life, more than once. It hurt. But, it was a long time ago and I'm in a good place now. There's no reason the same won't happen for you.

[Comaward]

Some time ago, at a game where I wasa player, I got up to go get some more potato chips, came back 5 minutes later to see one of the other players not at the table, the DM and a second player so angry neither could see straight, and everyone else just sitting there in a state of shock.

Apparently, in the 5 minutes that I had been gone, the now-absent player had belittled one of the other players for being autistic, and then unapologetically used a racial slur to describe a different player.

The DM had already kicked him out by the time I got back to the table.

EDIT
I had thought of the now-banned player as a friend, in case it needed clarification.

[Stonehead]

Sorry OP, your "friends" sound like jerks. It always hurts when someone full on ghosts you.

To answer the question, in highschool, I was in a game with a group of friends, and one of them had been busy, and had to miss several sessions in a row. The day of one of the sessions, the DM at the time called him, and left several very rude voicemails, calling him out, and mocking him for skipping again. I think it was meant to be a joke, but the no-show friend stopped talking to anyone in the group, and I stopped hanging out with the DM much after that.

[Ken Murikumo]

"go find a girlfriend,"

You get that, too, eh? I'm far too busy with my isolationist hobbies (outside of gaming) to entertain another human, let alone go out and find one...



But seriously, though; When I was in like 2nd or 3rd grade, the group of friends i hung around with basically cut me out. Turns out i was only kept around because they would subtly pick on me and it was the running joke among them. When it was no longer any fun to pick on me, they decided they didn't want me around and told me to piss off. I, too, was crushed, but later accumulated a huge group of friends. I look back and see how it made me a better person, simply because i found people who genuinely enjoy my company, but it also taught me to be more discerning about people.

I don't have any idea how old you and your former group are, but you'll always find like-minded people out there. I am in the camp of finding people in meat-space but internet friends are also valuable. But for now, as others have said, i think it would be good to put table-top gaming on hold for a bit. At least until you can flush the bad taste from your mouth.

[KillianHawkeye]

Those don't sound like friends.

Yeah, I've never lost friends because of gaming, but I have had a couple of people that I thought were friends reveal that they never really were that.

Maybe I'm just old enough to be a bit cynical, but I just write them off when that happens. They burn their own bridges, and if you're lucky you never have to deal with them again. Just move on. The more you eliminate fake or toxic people from your life, the happier you'll be in the long run.

[King of Nowhere]

frankly, from the title I was expecting something much worse. Like, you had a real life gaming group with your real life best buddies, and you got into a bad argument with your best friend whom you had known since kindergarten, and now you two won't speak anymore.

online friends... well, i've seen meaningful relationships formed online, but I wouldn't ccount on them too much.

Yeah, I've never lost friends because of gaming, but I have had a couple of people that I thought were friends reveal that they never really were that.

Maybe I'm just old enough to be a bit cynical, but I just write them off when that happens. They burn their own bridges, and if you're lucky you never have to deal with them again. Just move on. The more you eliminate fake or toxic people from your life, the happier you'll be in the long run.

+1 on that.

[JeenLeen]

That really stinks, especially as they didn't have the respect to tell you to your face (or metaphorical, digital face, as it were) or to try to explain things or let it get reconciled.

I almost lost a friend over gaming. It was basically different playstyles and expectations. I feel like he was mostly at fault, out of lack of taking time to communicate (like respond to my e-mails trying to communicate), but he had a lot on his place and thus little time for game-stuff outside of game-time. There was a round of "yelling" at me via e-mail, and I almost rage-quit in an angry response, but fortunately waited and we talked it out in a semi-calm manner. I decided I couldn't play with him as GM, and was nervous about stating that.
Things worked out rather fortuitously, as real life stuff came up for almost every player and so the game just dissolved before I had to drop out.

I'm still friends with him about 5 years later, but I don't do tabletop with him. Or, at least with him as GM. (If we ever had time IRL, maybe I'd GM a game with him in it. And we did do one game as fellow players where we got along pretty well.)

[RNightstalker]

My heart goes out to ya, I've lost "friends" IRL from a game...it took a long time, but I learned in that specific situation, "they" were acting like a bunch of little kids even though they were adults. In the long run, my life was better for them NOT being in it. You play with someone for over a year and they ghost? That's a reflection on them, not you. There are others here in the playground who understand your pain, so vent as much as you need.

[Phhase]

, the group didn't like me when I was quiet, and didn't like it when I voiced my opinion, so....I guess that didn't like me there at all.

I thought of everyone there a friend

Now I know they were complaining about me behind my back for who knows how long.

I...
I'm sorry.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I've been there. It hurts. But, some people are two-faced cowards like that. All we can do is be clear and hope we get the same back. If you can feel any lingering tension or malcontent in a group, address and defuse as quick as you can. Better that than have this happen because nobody had the moxie to address it until it became too big to ignore. My sympathy to you, a thousandfold. But, don't worry. Keep adventuring. Somewhere, out there, there's a party of True Companions waiting for you. Don't keep em' waiting .

/cheesyspeech

[Name_Here]

Have lost a bunch of friends over this hobby. Up to three groups I think now. It'll hurt for awhile, I still feel really bad when I'm forced to interact with one of the guys who I thought would be a lifelong friend but you'll find another group and things will get better.

[1of3]

There once was a guy who seemed quite nice. He was really into another player, it turned out, made a total ass of himself and wasn't seen since. No loss there.

[NRSASD]

There once was a guy who seemed quite nice. He was really into another player, it turned out, made a total ass of himself and wasn't seen since. No loss there.

You aren't one of my players are you? Cause we legit had the exact same problem.

[Jerrykhor]

Not really the same thing, but i had people who left the group because of me. Twice.

The first was a bad joke at the wrong time. I admit I was wrong here.

The second was a guy who had weird expectations of the game. With insane rolled stats, he put his lowest stat in CON (i think was 7). Went down in almost every fight, then blamed me for starting fights. To be fair i kinda did, but i was playing a moon druid with a feral nature, with Charisma as my dump stat. The last straw was when he blamed me for starting a fight with a Giant Crocodile, saying i should not be aggro-ing it just because I'm a druid. I thought it was a a really stupid argument, and i told him that his character dont have to join the fight if he dont want to. He left.

[Kapow]

I feel you. It's hard if people just ghost on you.
Never had that in a game, but IRL.
I'll echo those, who blame it on confrontional issues of those you played with.

On the other hand, I actually had a friend and it obviously wasn't meant to last. Sometimes last year we had a really bad fight.
But we still can play together, we may not like each other anymore, but our characters still get along.
Mind, I wouldn't start a new campaign with him, but we played together for about ten years with those characters...